dots

weird_twitter

   1@dril: fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
   2%
   3@dril: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
   4%
   5@dril: congress members fighting over who can scream "halo 5" the loudest, until a senior member stands up and yells "halo 6", infuriating them all
   6%
   7@dril: THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED
   8%
   9@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
  10%
  11@dril: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
  12%
  13@dril: just realized that skeletons are basically just rocks hitching a free ride inside of our bodies. sad and pissed off
  14%
  15@dril: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
  16%
  17@dril: "Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,
  18%
  19@dril: see this watch? i got it by Crying. my car? crying. my beautiful wife? Crying. My perfect teeth? Crying. now get the fuck out of my office
  20%
  21@drugleaf: *hugs girlfriend, gets on 1 knee* honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out "LIKE A FREE IPAD?" she looks down& i'm holding a survey*
  22%
  23@drugleaf: sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force
  24%
  25@drugleaf: "dad where do babies come from?" 
  26*continues pulling a catapult out of the garage* I DUNNO KIDDO BUT I SURE AS FUCK KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GOING
  27%
  28@drugleaf: 2 New Interaction(s): A PACK OF WOLVES favorited your tweet "damn, feeling hella vulnerable today".
  29A PACK OF WOLVES started following you.
  30%
  31@nice_mustard: it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
  32%
  33@nice_mustard: what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
  34%
  35@nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
  36%
  37@rad_milk: as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
  38%
  39@rad_milk: maybe if your dad was the mcrib he would have come back
  40%
  41@rad_milk: "help i fell & cant get up" grandson rolls up on skateboard "more like GROUNDMA LOL" he kickflips over her&slurps GoGurt™ the grab&go yogurt
  42%
  43@rad_milk: you laugh at me because im different, i laugh at you because you are a playful family of lemurs at the zoo and i am hella stoned
  44%
  45@rad_milk: im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's
  46%
  47@bugbucket: it's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
  48%
  49@bugbucket: i love this club, everyone is so handsome, we are all having a great time "sir this is a mirror store" except this asshole bouncer
  50%
  51@bugbucket: list of best afros in nature: 
  52➊ broccoli 
  53➋ mountain with a cloud floating on the peak
  54➌ most trees
  55➍ ant i dropped a cotton ball on
  56%
  57@bugbucket: if you don't like being around someone just slip some poison in their beverage, then drink it when they're not looking
  58%
  59@bugbucket: "hey look at this there's a nickel in your ear" nice trick granpa "there's gotta be more where that came from" grandpa is that a power drill
  60%
  61@bugbucket: how to be cool on twitter step 1 get a trampoline step 2 who fucking cares about twitter you have a trampoline
  62%
  63@bugbucket: lol remember playin "floor is lava" as a kid by pourin gasoline everywhere and lighting it "lol Dad floor's lava" "aaaah im burning" "lol"
  64%
  65@thrillbo: looked up to ask jesus why there was only one set of footprints and he was like 100 ft behind poking a dead jellyfish w/ a branch. cmon dude
  66%
  67@thrillbo: dont hate me because i'm beautiful, hate me what you can do for your country
  68%
  69@thrillbo: wow nice leotard lol. more like reotard lmao. where'd you get that leotard, idiot fucker. was it on sale, shithead. does it come in a medium
  70%
  71@thrillbo: hi i need a new iphone because i changed my status to single on facebook and it vibrated so hard from texts that it turned into a diamond
  72%
  73@thrillbo: u tear off my shirt, buttons flying. u take time to admire whats underneath: a hard, rippling invoice. for the shirt. what were u thinking
  74%
  75@tree_bro: Why Can't I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
  76%
  77@tree_bro: *Cracks Diet Pepsi* Ahh...Refreshing Diet Peppi *Slowly Sips, Then Gulps, The Diet Pappo** Ahh, Diet Parpo. Thank's To The Papor-Colla Corp.
  78%
  79@tree_bro: *knocks on door* Mrs Smith? I'm from Army. Your son got owned in Iraq. He showed great valor in the face of epic fail. Semper fi or whatecer
  80%
  81@tree_bro: Wash My Clothes? just to get them Dirty again???? **attaches forehead to industrial oscillator, flips it on, SMH at 100,000 kHz**
  82%
  83@tree_bro: Sir? The intensive porpoises are here. They say you have something for them. Yes, all of them
  84%
  85@bikinibabelover: *john krasinski on the street* holy crap your jim halpert "uhh well actually thats not my name" *he looks at the camera and makes a face*
  86%
  87@bikinibabelover: Facts About You: 1) Your thinking of sombeody 3) You didnt notice I just skipped nubmer five 4) Your smilein now 5) Im hot 6) I like to cuss
  88%
  89@bikinibabelover: complex woody and smokey notes lend this wine a Dope Mouthfeel
  90%
  91@bikinibabelover: holy crap a alien just touched down to earth and asked if he could use my twitter. okay hes typing now. I HAVE A SPACE ZAPPER hes done lol
  92%
  93@bikinibabelover: 1960s: I HATE HIPPEYS
  942000s: I HATE EMO'S
  952010s: I HATE HIPSTER'S
  962020s: ajajajajajajaj mangas y dobstep por favor
  97%
  98@bikinibabelover: Nice faucets Ass Hole. Your faucets arent even that cool, and I dont even barely love them a lot that much
  99%
 100@bikinibabelover: my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs
 101%
 102@lawblob: Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at-
 103%
 104@lawblob: hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? because you may be entitled to compensation.
 105%
 106@lawblob: my favorite drinking game is PacMan. you drink everything in front of you as fast as you can before your ghosts catch up to you
 107%
 108@lawblob: Goodnight Moon, you albino m&m looking space-pebble garbage piece of shit
 109%
 110@lawblob: the man died doing what he loved, disrespecting my dojo
 111%
 112@lawblob: girl you must be Windows Security Essentials because I have no idea what you're talking about but I'll do anything you tell me to
 113%
 114@lawblob: the plural of fish is 'hella fish'
 115%
 116@lawblob: renamed my WiFi network "buried under 500 cans of corn in 4B, need help"
 117two weeks go by, and the community does nothing
 118%
 119@lawblob: cool perk of being a rapper is everything put in music videos is a tax write-off. cars, jewelry, clothes, laser printer, cat food, lightbulb
 120%
 121@conortripler: HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY
 122%
 123@conortripler: you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable
 124%
 125@conortripler: each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted
 126%
 127@conortripler: U'LL SLEEP WHEN UR DEAD HUH? COOL. SOUNDS PRTTY NEAT. I MEAN I'LL BE PLAYIN MINI GOLF W TUPAC WHEN I'M DEAD BUT YA SLEEP SOUNDS COOL TOO LOL
 128%
 129@conortripler: timothy we need to talk about your essay "How Do U Go Hungry In The Winter They Litraly Put Salt All Over The Streets Idiot." it is awesome
 130%
 131@conortripler: this nerd reciting the first 1000 digits of pi and im yelling NICE every time a 9 follows a 6
 132%
 133@conortripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
 134%
 135@conortripler: banned from imdb for adding "Frankie Muniz isnt in it" to the Goofs & Errors section of every single movie. score one for hollywood facists
 136%
 137@conortripler: Mr Tripler is sentenced to (I COVER MY MOUTH & YELL IN HIGH PITCH VOICE "5 SECONDS IN JAIL!" "YA ONLY 5 SECONDS I AGREE!") the death penalty
 138%
 139@conortripler: the moon was once part of the earth but broke off to orbit at close distance in a process known in the field of geoscience as "friendzoning"
 140%
 141@othersome: you know that kid at the arcade who’s just watching the demo and pressing the buttons like they’re playing? that’s how i handle adulthood
 142%
 143@othersome: "shaq, how did all these snapping turtles get into kobe's car?" gee i don't know, it must have been a *looks into camera* shaqcident
 144%
 145@othersome: the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
 146%
 147@othersome: people who tell you to "stay still when bees attack you" are just thousands of bees in a trenchcoat trying to tell u a lie
 148%
 149@othersome: obama giggles to himself as he neglects his farmville crops. "lol owned" he whispers "owned by the Persident"
 150%
 151@brendlewhat: #howareyouathug i am good at hug
 152%
 153@brendlewhat: lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag
 154%
 155@brendlewhat: girl are you a diminutive form of address intended for children that is applied to adults as a way to establish a skewed power dynamic becau
 156%
 157@cool_pond: son we need to talk. your mom and i saw your internet history and it wasnt pretty. frankly, we are concerned. can you seriously not kickflip
 158%
 159@cool_pond: this club is wild it got everything. long dark hallway, a large central pump, bubbles, big noodles flyin everywhere. wait is this a carwash
 160%
 161@cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF AESTHETIC SIMPLICITY:
 162
 163I O U C J S L Z V N F E D P T X Y W M R B A K H Q G
 164
 165PLEASE USE THIS SYSTEM FROM NOW ON
 166%
 167@cool_pond: son its time for the sex talk.pretend my computer is a girl. how might u find her settings? "dad u dont know how to use ur computer do u"
 168%
 169@cool_pond: and god sayeth unto Moses in a thundering voice "MOSES, YOLO" and so Moses did what Moseses do he graffitied a wiener on the 10 commandments
 170%
 171@mohnjelson: So i says to the guy, i says to this guy, i tells this guy i says look, i says to him, i says to the guy, hey. i walk up to this guy, i says
 172%
 173@mohnjelson: If Dracula Can’t See Himself In The Mirror Then How’s He Keep His Hair So Neat: an essay by Timmy, 6th grade, Pullitzer Prize Winner
 174%
 175@boring_as_heck: Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
 176%
 177@boring_as_heck: to the person who made their laser tag name Cool Sex Falcon please return to the front so we can give you a real gun
 178%
 179@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
 180%
 181@boring_as_heck: God... you are NOT the father *God krumps all over the stage as Mary weeps profusely*
 182%
 183@boring_as_heck: Your honor i couldnt have committed that murder. Im a man - I cant commit to anything!! *all-female jury laughs, renders not guilty verdict*
 184%
 185@MuscularSon: what if real life is jail and the ones in jail are the free ones?? *jurors gasp, judge bangs gavel* im holding 
 186u in contempt for scaring me
 187%
 188@MuscularSon: i accidentally said "wonder what a wizard's dick look like" out loud instead of thinking it and everyone in the bank started clapping
 189%
 190@MuscularSon: a dog howls and whines. a clock tower stops at the witching hour. a newborn speaks God's real name. it's Lobsterfest at Red Lobster
 191%
 192@MuscularSon: its really spooky in these woods flocka are u sure the rap battle is out here
 193%
 194@MuscularSon: all 182 members of blink 182, including blink 182 himself, perished in a plane wreck this morning
 195%
 196@MuscularSon: hey girl wanna play "gynecologist" ;) yes? ok *sits at desk, ignoring u while looking at paperwork* have a seat. ill be with u in 50 minutes
 197%
 198@MuscularSon: *pulls up outside a gamestop w/ people outside it* hey. why dont you all level up in talking to Girls *does donuts in my 95 ford escort*
 199%
 200@MuscularSon: my bedroom is set up to impress babe's. the guitar says im sensitive. the jackhammer says im tough. the horse is there because i love him
 201%
 202@spaceship_earth: NEW DRAKE MIXTAPE IS EIGHTTEEN JOANNA NEWSOM SONGS WITH DRAKE SAYING 'ITS DRIZZY' OVER AN AIR HORN AT THE END OF EACH ONE
 203%
 204@spaceship_earth: [at rich uncles dimly lit deathbed] "my boy there's something i waited until now to tell you" [rich uncle leans in] "im extremely random"
 205%
 206@spaceship_earth: Praise be unto Jesus, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win
 207%
 208@spaceship_earth: Dont be sad. Im in the cloud now, synergizing with all the brands who left before me. My strategies are too dynamic for this world. Im sorry
 209%
 210@spaceship_earth: What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered
 211%
 212@spaceship_earth: "A PACK OF WILD DOGS" would like to use your current location
 213%
 214@spaceship_earth: Ladies Call me Modernist Architecture because I'm forbidding, inhuman, don't relate to my surroundings & will be dismantled by govt in 30yrs
 215%
 216@grifteezy: When Lil Wayne dies, the warding spells tattooed on his body will be broken & all of the various djinns and ifrits will break free
 217%
 218@grifteezy: Endless Shrimp. Infinite quantities of shrimp. It never ends. Nothing we do has consequences
 219%
 220@grifteezy: Morning. Yawning, you check FB feed. A friend posts a status about you being dead. Haha, so zany. You go to click 'Like.' The cursor fades
 221%
 222@grifteezy: Fellow Druids, I give you,Stone Henge. It's kind of just, to hang out by and set your drinks on and stuff. Ok, Sorry, You build it next time
 223%
 224@grifteezy: owls are just real weird cats. sorry science
 225%
 226@diarrhea: "Son, why so sad? Are u crying??" All the kids in school call me gay. "Oh no. Why??" Because u named me Im Gay. "Lol I was so high that day"
 227%
 228@diarrhea: *sips muscle milk* what's this? *reads carton* MISSING BRO: ANSWERS TO GUN SHOW OR ROB. LAST SEEN DOIN INSANE AMOUNTS OF LAT PULLS AT GOLD'S
 229%
 230@diarrhea: favorite show on tv? Girls. second favorite is Business. third favorite? Car. fourth favorite is Meal. fifth favorite? u guessed it...Animal
 231%
 232@iscoff: Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999)
 233%
 234@earfdae: Um... I hate to be a Grammar Nazi, but shouldn't it be... 'The Diary Of *A* Frank'...?
 235%
 236@electrolemon: jay-z has a custom la-z boy that says "jay-z boy" on it. he doesn't even sit in it. just walks by n giggles, mumblin "u crazy for this one"
 237%
 238@electrolemon: a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread"
 239%
 240@electrolemon: sir... *removes hat* i'm going down with the ship. "oh you'll go down on the titanic, but not on me huh" jesus carol this is hardly the time
 241%
 242@leh0n: *walks over to a gaggle of teens* Yall droppin f-bombs over here?? Haha nice. Im totally down with that
 243%
 244@leh0n: i like my women like i like my universe, filled with an infinite amount of suffocating emptiness
 245%
 246@leh0n: *taps on ur window* Hey its me Leh0n. From twitter dot com. U fav'ed my "Butt Farts" tweet 8 months ago?
 247%
 248@leh0n: what did the bird say when he flew over kmart caw caw whyd my natural habitat get replaced wtih 165,000 sq ft of consumerist wasteland lol
 249%
 250@leh0n: how do you make friends. im asking for a friend
 251%
 252@leh0n: The Joker has turned the floor everywhere in the world to lava. This summer...Batman has to stop him...While not touching the floor
 253%
 254@degg: *crests a hill* hey dudes
 255%
 256@degg: anything can happen in football, especially sports
 257%
 258@degg: *takes a picture of myself holding $300*
 259%
 260@UtilityLimb: i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. keeps craning. head unscrews entirely. out of the hole pour jewels & mysteries*
 261%
 262@UtilityLimb: Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
 263%
 264@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
 265%
 266@UtilityLimb: your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it's got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen
 267%
 268@UtilityLimb: kinda miss when girls wore those "LOVE PINK" sweatpants. got kinda weird once they got replaced by "EAT BUGS," "FEAR SUN," and "LIVE CAVE"
 269%
 270@Hermit_Thrush: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a fs 270 flip to ss fs boardslide down rail
 271%
 272@Hermit_Thrush: if you claim to be "naïve" you arent fooling anyone. if you know how to get an ï then you know a lot of other shit
 273%
 274@Hermit_Thrush: DJ PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HERE, I SEE NOT ALL OF YOU ARE RAISING YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR?? WELL IF YOU DONT LIKE MY MUSIC I CAN LEAVE
 275%
 276@Hermit_Thrush: some people say im obsessed with semantics. i say it depends what you mean by obsessed
 277%
 278@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
 279%
 280@famouscrab: "carlos did u put youre shoes on the right feets today" YES DAD LEFT AND RIGHT "on YOUr feet son?" ..DAD THIS IS THE WRONGEST I EVER GOT IT
 281%
 282@famouscrab: hi son like my backwards hat? how bout that gerfald he sure eat a lasagna that cant be good for her. anyways bye *rollerblades away*
 283%
 284@famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
 285%
 286@famouscrab: what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
 287%
 288@famouscrab: fool me once thats enough of times for fooling me and i dont really enjoy it. Thanks
 289%
 290@famouscrab: im not here to make friends! - me at the zoo telling a lie lol
 291%
 292@famouscrab: Warning: password is case sensitive. password i think ur case is cute dont woorry so much
 293%
 294@famouscrab: my dad say he is leaving forever and then he came back with a pack of cigaretes hehe a twist on a old classic u are a funny and good dad
 295%
 296@famouscrab: i am involved in a scooter acident the accident is im riding 2 scooter's at the same time and all these beach babes are have heart attacks
 297%
 298@ahuj9: a steak pun is a rare medium well done
 299%
 300@ahuj9: RIP Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, 1972 - 2,042,998. Died of erosion.
 301%
 302@ahuj9: Remember that one scene where Indiana Jones drives a rusty Kia to his sysadmin job at Geico? Yeah me neither. Take off the fedora.
 303%
 304@ahuj9: "Here, kids. Here's a bunch of pipes and chains and shit sticking out of the ground. Go nuts." - John Playground, inventor of the Playground
 305%
 306@ahuj9: Dog Flowchart: "Can I Eat This" ---> Yes/Let's Find out
 307%
 308@woodmuffin: haha i've kept this police sketch artist here for two hours and he still doesnt realize he's been drawing the Cheers cast one by one
 309%
 310@woodmuffin: Hour 7 of refusing to say "when" as Mom spoons more and more mashed potatos onto my plate. Grandma crying, uncles yelling, I will not yield.
 311%
 312@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
 313%
 314@woodmuffin: "of course i've had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i'm doing!!" *types "what do girlfriends eat" into google*
 315%
 316@woodmuffin: "But Jesus, why were there only one set of footprints?" "Sand people travel single file to hide their numbers"
 317%
 318@MeepisMurder: in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
 319%
 320@MeepisMurder: reminder that there are a ton of skeletons that are wearing suits & dresses underground
 321%
 322@MeepisMurder: woops accidentally texted my dad "lets go to the club tonight" woops accidentally texted my dad "meet me at 8" woops im in the club w my dad
 323%
 324@MeepisMurder: son it's wonderful that you're starting to appreciate irony and everything but could you please just find my LOST dvds
 325%
 326@extranapkins: There's only gonna be 12 hits; Me hitting you, and you hitting the floor, then me listening to the Eagles Greatest Hits
 327%
 328@extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
 329%
 330@extranapkins: Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this club
 331%
 332@extranapkins: *lays $8 of quarters on the bar* Whats the plural of High Life
 333%
 334@extranapkins: Found a portrait of me in my attic that keeps getting uglier and older, at first I thought I was immortal but now I realized it's a mirror
 335%
 336@extranapkins: Thursday? Let's see, Thursday... *opens day planner revealing a single sheet of paper with PARALYZED WITH ANXIETY on it* Thursday's no good.
 337%
 338@extranapkins: Cut my sandwich diagonally? No thanks, I'm a boring idiot who sucks and is no fun to hang out with, I'll have it cut the stupid way please
 339%
 340@extranapkins: Yes thank you for the pizza but where are my lovers... I was supposed to meet lovers with this pizza
 341%
 342@extranapkins: The best you can hope for in life is for someone you dont know to see you from far away and think wow that guy looks cool
 343%
 344@extranapkins: Hello pizza store? Yes I'd like one round bread covered with cheese, one bread cut into sticks and one more bread cut into sticks with sugar
 345%
 346@extranapkins: Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now
 347%
 348@extranapkins: You can smoke weed in the ATM thing at the bank and the cops can't do shit unless they have the right debit card
 349%
 350@crushingbort: "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?" 
 3518 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
 352%
 353@bransonbranson: every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself
 354%
 355@bransonbranson: bad news gang. the gf broke up with me by disconnecting the bolt on her motorcycle sidecar and drifting it down towards a sexy beach party
 356%
 357@bransonbranson: *puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes... time to text some girls the word 'hey' and only the word 'hey'
 358%
 359@kilobees: what if, instead of the lyrics to three 6 mafia songs, you knew a whole bunch about like physics or some shit
 360%
 361@kilobees: Hello, Darkness, my old friend. Have you watched The Wire yet
 362%
 363@leyawn: son when i was your age we only had two pokemon. dog and cat. but we made do
 364%
 365@leyawn: slept over at a kids house once in third grade. saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. never talked to him again. hes in jail now
 366%
 367@leyawn: "wats yr greatest strength" i slide over card that says IM ALWAYS PREPARED "wats yr greatest weakness" i flip over card its a pic of waluigi
 368%
 369@UrplePingo: How much baby shampoo do I have to drink to activate this "no more tears" promise?
 370%
 371@UrplePingo: LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO
 372%
 373@ughHugs: i once looked at a woman in the eye now i am in a committed relationship
 374%
 375@PajamaBenLaden: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"
 376%
 377@duplicitron: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
 378%
 379@fart: wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams
 380%
 381@fart: i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
 382%
 383@fart: Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him
 384%
 385@fart: are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser
 386%
 387@fart: it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk
 388%
 389@fart: All the good men are either gay, taken, or two dogs standing on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat
 390%
 391@IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
 392%
 393@IamEnidColeslaw: I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
 394%
 395@IamEnidColeslaw: Yes I'm on birth control. It's called "my face"
 396%
 397@IamEnidColeslaw: The girl kept her eyes on the ground as the cashier rang up her cat litter & tampons. "I have a lot of internet friends," she whispered.
 398%
 399@afriendlyb: i am hearing an awful lot about this 'friend zone' how does one become a member because it sure would be nice to have some friends
 400%
 401@Penis_Zorro: all my frens:
 402•me
 403•my kite
 404•tupac
 405•mom
 406•billy (realy a kleenex)
 407•face drawed on my chin (hard 2 c)
 408•dave (imaginary)
 409•any dog
 410•dad (i wish)
 411%
 412@BevisSimpson: Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
 413%
 414@fucpk: And over here is our manager of barketing [gestures to a dog in a suit] sales are down 1000% its not good.
 415%
 416@fucpk: *knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
 417%
 418@fucpk: [sits down at computer] Hmm. In..ternet... [double clicks recycle bin. looks up at gramma] Were in. Were in the main frame. The dot coms.
 419%
 420@fucpk: moths are just white trash butterflies
 421%
 422@fucpk: debit or credit? debit i say as i swipe my holo charizard. sir do you have a debit card [swipe again and again without breaking eye contact]
 423%
 424@fucpk: I've had it! We are breaking up up down down left right left right b a! *she gasps* I can't believe you'd cheat on me!
 425%
 426@fucpk: Kanye West turnin off Scooby Doo and gettin mad. No one van should have all them flowers.
 427%
 428@fucpk: my stubble on your neck while i whisper losing lottery numbers in your ear
 429%
 430@fucpk: Houston, we have a problem. What is it Apollo 13? You guys are a bunch of fuckin nerds. We are hotboxin this bitch in 5, 4, 3,
 431%
 432@fucpk: [two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
 433%
 434@fucpk: You have to tell me if youre a dog or else its entrapment. [my dog just tilts his dumb head] i dunno man i cant sell this weed to you
 435%
 436@fucpk: guns dont kill people! no dude you misunderstand. they kill people. a lot of them. p sure thats why guns are here, actually.
 437%
 438@JucheMane: "If you hold the Down button and A at the same time, it makes it easier for the wild Pokemon to stay in the ball." Joe Biden added helpfully
 439%
 440@virgiltexas: Teens often hide computer pornography in a folder called C:\Windows\System32. Delete this folder if you see it 
 441%
 442@virgiltexas: The human body is a complex machine that transmutes oxygen and fast food into horrible beliefs about foreign policy.
 443%
 444@virgiltexas: "Find your own fucking state capitals." - Ayn Rand McNally
 445%
 446@Irish_Dinosaur: "you should be more serious, sir. this is arson." "no this is MY son!" *tousles his hair* "ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn"
 447%
 448@Irish_Dinosaur: do furries do "follow furday"? they probably do, i bet. strange people. wait dad don't hang up they only give me one phonecall in here
 449%
 450@Irish_Dinosaur: to u, my son, i bequeath my neville longbottom parody account & all its 84,000 followers [dies] "dad, whats the password? dad? no no NO DAD"
 451%
 452@Irish_Dinosaur: instead of saying "cool teen" might i suggest Radolescent
 453%
 454@Irish_Dinosaur: the Dairy Queen tolls the taco bell from her white castle. townspeople emerge from pizza huts. war has been declared on the Burger Kingdom
 455%
 456@Bro_Pair: Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?
 457%
 458@Bro_Pair: by law of averages, somebody's last words were "space jam"
 459%
 460@amelialikesyou: will the owner of the '96 Accord with rear spoiler & vanity Plate PUSSYDSTRYR come to the front. there are like 9 Bros that wanna high 5 you
 461%
 462@TriciaLockwood: Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"
 463%
 464@TriciaLockwood: Sext: I give u the Heimlich maneuver when u don't even need the Heimlich maneuver. A grape pops out of u that u never even ate
 465%
 466@TriciaLockwood: Has anyone ever looked into a TJ Maxx mirror so long and so deeply that they died
 467%
 468@TriciaLockwood: I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside
 469%
 470@dudehugs: my internal monologue is just me telling myself "damn girl" over and over
 471%
 472@dudehugs: i'm bout to put some cashews in this omelet, because i have the power to decide what swag means to me
 473%
 474@dudehugs: *kool aid man bursts thru wall* YOOOOO WHEN THE /////FUCK//////// IS TOYOTATHON
 475%
 476@dudehugs: "necromancer"? naw, i'm a neck romancer. lemme get at that neck girl. gonna love on that neck like u wont believe. you gona call the cops on
 477%
 478@rare_basement: "im pretty popular on the internet," i whisper to my cat. cat doesnt respond because cat doesnt exist. there is no cat and i am alone
 479%
 480@rare_basement: Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too
 481%
 482@rare_basement: "Bitch Make Me A Sandwich" - The Boring Man's Guide To Gaining Approval From Other Boring Men
 483%
 484@rare_basement: i have got murdered. u shake my dying body and yell "please! who did this to u!!" with my last breath i whisper "ur mom... haha owned..."
 485%
 486@rare_basement: sext: ur a lake. i dip my feet in u, then go deeper in ur cold wet body. i splash once, twice. its boring. i leave. lakes are stupid as hell
 487%
 488@rare_basement: "this doughnut is gonna go straight to my thighs," i said as i smashed it and smeared the custard on my legs, without breaking eye contact
 489%
 490@rare_basement: sorry kids, christmas is canceled. dad's a libertarian and we're not taking handouts from that fat bearded commie. he wears red for a REASON
 491%
 492@rare_basement: Bros Before Hos Except After C
 493%
 494@rare_basement: sext: i am a bear and you are a delicious porridge. chicks try to steal you from me but i eat them. i eat you too. i eat everyone. i'm alone
 495%
 496@BassoonJokes: Autocorrect kept changing Karl Marx to TJ Maxx in my essay about TJ Maxx
 497%
 498@BassoonJokes: this is your mind. this your mind on money. this is your money on your mind. this is your mind rollin down the street smoking endo sippin on
 499%
 500@BassoonJokes: the weed joke 420 has been adjusted for inflation, please use 531 as the new weed joke
 501%
 502@BassoonJokes: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
 503%
 504@BassoonJokes: I did the 1080 once in 1080 Snowboarding N64, but a shadowy figure appeared at my door and just said "Dont ever do that again" and vanished.
 505%
 506@BassoonJokes: new york times readers poll: how far can you skateboard? answers: 53% say yes, 10% say lower the debt ceiling, 37% blame millenials
 507%
 508@BassoonJokes: I'm always getting Christianity and Mountain Dew mixed up.
 509%
 510@MrSpoonicorn: why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
 511%
 512@MrSpoonicorn: hello 911? my girlfriend used my master ball on a Magikarp
 513%
 514@MrSpoonicorn: his palms are sweaty/ knees sweaty arms are sweaty/ hes got sweat on his sweater already/ moms sweaty/ hes sweaty but on the surface he look
 515%
 516@MrSpoonicorn: *cop slams bag of weed down on table*
 517"EXPLAIN."
 518"its not mine officer i swea-
 519"oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"
 520%
 521@MrSpoonicorn: busting sick dance moves in this club, all eyes on me. haters saying "this is a library" lol w/e dudes atleast i didnt bring books to a club
 522%
 523@MrSpoonicorn: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it break dance without some kind of system of weights and pulleys
 524%
 525@MrSpoonicorn: *PSY's head slowly emerges from my toilet*
 526"OPPA GANGNAM STYLE"
 527"NOOO"
 528*i wake up sweating*
 529*PSY is at the end of my bed*
 530OPPA GANGNAM STYLE
 531%
 532@MrSpoonicorn: *puts a hat on a dog*
 533yeah that looks cool man. you should get it
 534*dog doesn't responded cus he's a dog*
 535dude do you want the hat or not
 536%
 537@MrSpoonicorn: yuck! i put a glass of urine next to my glass of apple juice and accidentally drank the apple juice
 538%
 539@MrSpoonicorn: "wow these chicken wings are SPICY" i say aloud to no one, the world ended years ago. i'm not even eating wings. even the sun has gone
 540%
 541@vinceness: oh cool this gravestone has a QR code on it *scans* says this dude is dead. wow neat
 542%
 543@vinceness: kermit the frog here. haha no its still vince
 544%
 545@vinceness: Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jets. No no, of infinite jurts. Damnit. Infinite Jersts. Jarsts.Jorts Infinite J
 546%
 547@dogboner: haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
 548%
 549@dogboner: Y'all ever notice how muslims are always..*drops racism notecards and scrambles to sort them* ..Having Big Penises??
 550%
 551@dogboner: climb on into my bed, babe. let me just move these sandwiches and these backup sandwiches
 552%
 553@dogboner: if ur a cat and reading this 1: please let me pet you. 2. i dont know how you learned to read english but im very pround of u..
 554%
 555@dogboner: Dang!! Im having A Lunch Sandwich! Lets see what Sportsball team is on today! Ahh the Grumps vs the Whiskers. Should be a tense game! Beer
 556%
 557@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
 558%
 559@tastefactory: 2002: *Posts dumb joke on AIM*
 5602012: *Posts dumb joke on Twitter*
 5612022: *Posts dumb flerp on Flerpnark*
 5622032: *Posts dumb ₮۞☈♒ on ∰₪↭➈╰☆╮*
 563%
 564@tastefactory: Let's all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
 565%
 566@tastefactory: I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You Showed Me Your Photo Album It Looks Like You Had A Great Time Thanks For Sharing Those Pics.
 567%
 568@tastefactory: Life is basically you just walk through a shitload of doors and then you die.
 569%
 570@tastefactory: *Goes to meet The Pope* Don't be nervous, don't do anything stupid..."Hi, The Pope" *opens Pepsi that got shook up and it sprays everywhere*
 571%
 572@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
 573%
 574@tastefactory: *ding dong* "Pizza man!" "I didn't order pizza.." *looks thru peephole, sees spider w fake mustache "Ha nice try dude ur not gettin in here"
 575%
 576@briangaar: Girl I'm so sorry your parents died, was it Kony? Oh a bus accident. Was Kony driving the bus
 577%
 578@doctorveritas: Horton Hears The Terrible Voice Of God Telling Him To Murder Isaac
 579%
 580@thatsnotkosher: At the start of the trial the defendant and i go back and forth with sick burns. "Yo lawyer so fat he obstructs justice just by being here"
 581%
 582@idontlikethings: *steps out onto balcony*
 583*sweeps hand over stunning breadth of nature*
 584fuck this
 585%
 586@Busocco: *casually sips a melted candle*
 587You mean "you're."
 588%
 589@MuscularSon: this porn sucks these lesbian babes say their bored but i can see a computer, a portal to other magical worlds, in the back. thumbs down
 590%
 591@fart: if only we could harness the energy of white people's desire to be the first of their friends to own a fiat
 592%
 593@Ennui_Raver: Whats that? Hitler was a monster, who was responsible for some of the worst atrocities of the 20th century?? Well, actually, hitler is good
 594%
 595@MikesRadTwites: I know what you're thinking: "You only like Macklemore so much because he's white." Well, you're wrong. It's also because I'm in college.
 596%
 597@CBoyardee: in high speed car chase with police. trying desperately to unwrap this mcchicken before i go to jail
 598%
 599@BikiniBabeLover: Pull yourself Together Drew Carey Your To High. hes eating everything on set. Drew keeps callig himself Jim Carrey and laughing hysterically
 600%
 601@briangaar: *follows attractive woman out to balcony*
 602so then they released the Wii, which was basically a Gamecube with motion controls
 603%
 604@thatsnotkosher: [dont pronounce Denny's as denies. Don't pronounce Denny's as denies] mr president would you like to get some grand slams at denies
 605%
 606@johntorn: stay in school, I'm serious, you think you won't but you WILL need grammar when you're proofreading the stencil for your shitty neck tattoo
 607%
 608@neonwario: I always assumed "gay for pay" just meant you really liked money, but it's too late to back out now
 609%
 610@mattytalks: Ladies call me the Joe Paterno statue because I'm in bad taste,I weigh 1000's of pounds and have been forcibly removed from a college campus
 611%
 612@dril: inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. "Im Sorry Sir" "Ill Do Better Sir" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen
 613%
 614@robwhisman: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate take to long to get ready!! also drowning their children
 615%
 616@rolldiggity: Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
 617%
 618@Lowenaffchen: Local High Schooler Forced To Turn Dragon T-Shirt Inside Out. "All the hot girls were distracted by how cool it was," the principal told us
 619%
 620@Lowenaffchen: if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
 621%
 622@MuscularSon: i cant control my enormous nerd sons. they force me to cosplay as a police box from Dr Who and take turns paintballing my nude torso
 623%
 624@dogboner: john wilkes booth just wanted to see a play and this asshole sits in front of him with a tall ass hat on like hes king shit of fuck mountain
 625%
 626@Hermit_Thrush: Waiter? Instead of unlimited breadsticks can i get a finite but indefinitely large number of breadsticks? i draw a philosophical distinction
 627%
 628@graeyalien: "Firemen" will never win their pointless war yet we continue to subsidize the charade
 629%
 630@fart: who is a dog's favorite actor
 631
 632bark ruffalo
 633%
 634@electrolemon: the final stage of pregnancy is also known as the "british spelling period" because that's when either U is in labor, or U is in mom
 635%
 636@Ennui_Raver: dear diary. i had another scary encounter with a goose today, but luckily this time i was safe anf sound inside my hyundai
 637%
 638@dril: GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC-- WILL THIS COMMON TUBERCULOSIS VACCINE GIVE ME THE GOOD AUTISM OR THE BAD AUTISM???
 639%
 640@robwhisman: i've watched this roughly a thousand times and it never gets less amazing https://t.co/pwd14c3dsH
 641%
 642@BronzeHammer: when its time to put my dogs down, im not taking them to the cold, sterile vet to say goodbye. ill just throw a nerf football into a volcano
 643%
 644@leyawn: dude... DUDE... why do we drive on the highway and get high in my driveway
 645%
 646@ahuj9: it's so hard to find a good babysitter these days. no one will sit on my infant for money.
 647%
 648@spaceship_earth: i know a certain pick up 'artist' who ran a sick magic 'routine,' hung around with hookers and has been living with his dad for 2000 years
 649%
 650@BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life
 651%
 652@boring_as_heck: I own one of those shirts that lights up when you're listening to music, and I vote.
 653%
 654@fart: so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over
 655%
 656@MuscularSon: I'm looking for 3 Hyper Muscular Latino Grandads to come over and rattle some chains and frighten my large sons into going to bed early
 657%
 658@hamsandcastle: Ah you might think that is a female dwarf! But that is actually a bit of a miss gnomer.
 659%
 660@ieatanddrink: Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you're doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I'll explain
 661%
 662@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
 6631 Ricochet
 6642 Retrieve, rethrow
 6653 Line up birds precisely
 6664 Huge boulder
 6675 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
 668%
 669@ahuj9: Death is Certain, Charlie Brown
 670%
 671@cat_beltane: ON THE FLIGHT, MY ACCOMPLICES & I COMBINE OUR 3-OUNCE SHAMPOOS INTO 1 CONTAINER. "THIS IS IT, BOYS.." I WHISPER "THE DEADLY 9-OUNCE SHAMPOO"
 672%
 673@dangerousneil: whenever i order pizza onjline i feel like sandra bullock in The Net
 674%
 675@UrplePingo: What idiot called it Lake Titicaca instead of Boobshit Lagoon
 676%
 677@brideylee: What's your favorite band? I'm kidding.
 678%
 679@BronzeHammer: *arches a piss stream into a trashcan from across the room while still sitting in my computer chair* I Fucking Love Science
 680%
 681@Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that the grumpy cat is grumpy his paedomorphic expression is actually a look of longing, a longing for the void of nonexistence
 682%
 683@ahuj9: "Ugh, I can't wait to change my name to something cool." - Eugene Zombie, before he became Rob Zombie.
 684%
 685@brendlewhat: as grandma used to say, if you can't abstract yourself from something through a layer of proprietary technology, don't bother doing it.
 686%
 687@graeyalien: my idiot daughter got married to a snippet of dubsteb beat!!!!!!! i regret bring family to america!!!!!!!!!
 688%
 689@boring_as_heck: *throws my hat in the ring* can you guys stop boxing for a minute so I can grab my hat
 690%
 691@ahuj9: Or the singular form, Tom Hank
 692%
 693@doctor_ass: "69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal
 694%
 695@IamEnidColeslaw: when I pierce the egg with my fork I like to let out a high-pitched wail as the yolk bleeds all over the plate
 696%
 697@tastefactory: Son, it's time we had a talk about Burt's Bees... In 1984, co-founder Roxanne Quimby began making candles from Burt Shavitz's leftover beesw
 698%
 699@Dead_Wizard: "Thunder is the angels listening to dubstep" I said to my son. I gently removed his Google Glass and tucked him into his Pepsi Sleep Cocoon
 700%
 701@disaster_dog: just broke up with my boyfriend via pacman highest score names
 702%
 703@buttplanet: Mark Zuckerberg announces changes to Facebook newsfeed. "More racist uncles," he said. "You'll see 180% more racist uncles posting things."
 704%
 705@Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that bulls hate the color red what they really hate is being born into a uncaring godless universe and when boys dont text back
 706%
 707@WyanRilson: *gets bit by an radioactive white girl*
 708*my legs turn to yoga pants*
 709I FCUKEN LOVE GRUNMPY CAT
 710%
 711@brownboyblues: dude whoever named the orangutan good fucking job man lol
 712%
 713@weedhitler: party glock is in my mouth tonight, this joke’s dated and i wanna fucking die
 714%
 715@bridger_w: The year is 2043. The world population has exploded to over 10 billion. Gangs of ruthless criminals roam the streets. Judge Judy is dead
 716%
 717@freecialis: Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings...could you remind me again how many Ulysses has?
 718%
 719@cat_beltane: a good way 2 find out if yr a dog person or cat person is ask yrself would i rather live with a big weird toddler or a blood-drinking demon
 720%
 721@graeyalien: "as much protein as 1 egg!" we're all soooo impressed GoLean Crunch. maybe i'll just go buy 1 egg. fucking idiot crunch. braggart.
 722%
 723@thatsnotkosher: i’m so fucking stressed after finding out i’m the only one who can prevent forest fires
 724%
 725@electrolemon: wow, cool bo staff donatello. i mean, he has a gun, but yeah, thanks for bringing a tall stick to the drug bust. piece of shit idiot turtle
 726%
 727@dry_hugs: *leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire
 728%
 729@glenna_opt: charlotte's web presence
 730%
 731@BassoonJokes: Has the mayor of Detroit tried the money cheat from Sim City 2000?
 732%
 733@rad_milk: i  pull my face out from between your thighs and spin the propeller on my hat
 734%
 735@lordbeef: A horror movie designed for tiny dogs that's just people periodically making sudden movements
 736%
 737@bonerman_inc: LADIES - call me the phonebook because you're still not 100% sure how to stop me from appearing uninvited at your doorstop every few months
 738%
 739@UrplePingo: Kinda dumb that they don't call boxing "fisting" isn't it? Anyway welcome to Applebee's can I start you folks off with some drinks?
 740%
 741@fart: i hope this tweet in which i express my feeling that we should pardon bradley manning is the one that turns the tide and makes it happen
 742%
 743@robfee: Air Buds coach is screamin at the refs but theres no rule saying the other team cant toss beggin strips into the stands. Air Buds goin nuts.
 744%
 745@mrdavehill: Erotic short story #218: A couple was getting married and a guy showed up and beat everyone up with a cross and banged the bride on a bus.
 746%
 747@FuckTyping: I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats.
 748*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
 749Cats are also cute.
 750%
 751@HunkyJimpjorps: avoid these rap boasts: longest crying jag, loosest stools, most panic attacks at the supermarket, most dead houseplants, deepest ennui
 752%
 753@extranapkins: Today saw a font in Papyrus (ugh!) and I said "should of used Helvetica!" out loud to myself. Yeah I know a lot about Fonts and design
 754%
 755@AHoleAlex: f the haters. seronade the haters. braise the haters w a nice orange glaze. bury the haters in freshly tilled loam. water haters frequently
 756%
 757@Fart_Bringer: "Great work God! It looks like youre all done designing humans so le-"
 758"Give em hair on their asses"
 759"What? Are you su-"
 760"Give em ass hair"
 761%
 762@chuchugoogoo: what a lovely day, the birds are chirping, the jeffgolds are in blum
 763%
 764@ahuj9: yo how'd that dog turn into a helmet *points to turtle*
 765%
 766@leh0n: Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper
 767%
 768@MuscularSon: yeah lemme get a 12 inch toasted BMT with *slowed down voice* all these hard ass cookies for free
 769%
 770@leducviolet: haterade is packed with disrespectrolytes
 771%
 772@robwhisman: yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out
 773%
 774@dogboner: i call him Dang cook because im always like Dang this guy rocks lol
 775%
 776@rush_less: let slip the dogs of war. rub bellies of the dogs of war. scratch behind the ears of the dogs of war. whos a good dog of war. yes you are
 777%
 778@SamGrittner: Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
 779%
 780@IamEnidColeslaw: what base is it when you steal his mail
 781%
 782@bedbugs99: thursday mornings i lay out on the curb with the trash. "we simply cannot take you," the trash men always say, "we'd get in trouble."
 783%
 784@drewtoothpaste: I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others' jobs
 785%
 786@boring_as_heck: "world's greatest dad"? *knocks mug out of my son's hands, shattering it* 
 787more like world's shittiest mug. bring me the mug with tits on it
 788%
 789@TriciaLockwood: .@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
 790%
 791@ahuj9: Ages 0-2: suck on a tity. Ages 2-14: no tity. Ages 14+ suck on a tity
 792%
 793@Bro_Pair: "how do you plead" "i plead guilty...to reenacting the non-stop action of Pacific Rim in a hotel lobby full of pussies
 794%
 795@sarahjeong: "Why don't you have a job? All you have to do is learn how to code," Patrick Bateman taunts his homeless victim
 796%
 797@Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
 798%
 799@lowtax: I would like to share my controversial opinion on the Jews, but I can't decide which Pirate Bay torrent I should comment in
 800%
 801@Busocco: How much for the horse tornado?
 802Sir, that's a carousel.
 803I must have it.
 804%
 805@Lazer_Cat_: *spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I'm sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
 806%
 807@Lazer_Cat_: "Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!" "Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!" *We both grin and put on bibs*
 808%
 809@Lowenaffchen: Cracked presents The Top 5 Phases of the Moon. 5) Waxing gibbous. This motherfucker is almost entirely visible
 810%
 811@boring_as_heck: *drives pickup truck through the front of your house* no fuckin way are dolphins mammals
 812%
 813@chuchugoogoo: "hey hand me some of that crude metal"
 814"the lead or the iron?"
 815"either ore"
 816%
 817@Trill_shitman: Girl in line at Texas state fair: "every time I drink a water bottle of vodka I black out" whoa weird me too are we soulmates?
 818%
 819@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying 
 820"pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
 821%
 822@extranapkins: Thanks for shopping at Krogers. Thats not cum on my pants by the way. It looks like cum, but its wood glue. Did you find everything ok today
 823%
 824@promissory_boat: fact about me: i once asked a drug dealer if could buy "a single pot" and he asked me to leave.
 825%
 826@Mickey_McCauley: To get your Native American name, ask a real Native American what his name is and then unjustly appropriate it
 827%
 828@dammitbabies: you can lead a horse to water but if you want your horse to go hard, sport stronger, and crush the competition, lead your horse to Gatorade™
 829%
 830@tinypantsbitch: #AwkwardThingsToSayInTheBedroom this is the kitchen
 831%
 832@eliyudin: "As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants
 833%
 834@woodmuffin: In GTA V you can knock out someone walking their dog and take control of it. Press triangle to use Dog.
 835%
 836@dril: The Foundation For The Restoration Of American Honor Has Given President Barack Hussein Obama A Hitler Rating Of 34.  This Is The Worst One.
 837%
 838@dril: WHAT DO WE WANT
 839"Memes"
 840WHEN DO WE WANT IT
 841"Instead of regular jokes"
 842%
 843@cowcaster: you are what you eat, as they say. which is why im going to eat this flaming cornucopia of weevils and medical waste
 844%
 845@spaceship_earth: "The condemned will now be allowed to make a final statement." Yes Warden, what idiot called it the Iditarod instead of Polar Derby
 846%
 847@nice_mustard: sex ed was really awkward in high school nobody wanted to eat lunch with that dude
 848%
 849@mollersandb: I'm sorry Father, but do you have any gluten free Body Of Christ?
 850%
 851@michaeljhudson: I told everyone at the party how much I love MC Escher and I got some weird stairs
 852%
 853@koala_hugs: Please, call me Son. Dad was my father
 854%
 855@duplicitron: You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
 856%
 857@dril: what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more
 858%
 859@othersome: this pair of size 69 shoes were not worth in comical value what they cost in remortgaging my house
 860%
 861@johnfreiler: if i had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever
 862%
 863@BassoonJokes: technically ALL words are made up. i mean someone made them up at some point in time. so shut it, and let me play "Blurporg" for 52 points
 864%
 865@wolfpupy: an egg and spoon race can go a lot of ways. if its down hill bet on egg. if theres a big magnet at the finish line bet on spoon
 866%
 867@four_eels: two things if you’re a sax player with a ponytail:
 8681) congrats
 8692) u should grow the pony out long enough to use as a strap for ur sax
 870%
 871@filth_waste: i told this homeless guy to get a job and he just chattered and ran up a tree with his acorn smh
 872%
 873@filth_waste: how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
 874%
 875@filth_waste: haters in the club telling me to pay child support.  haters banging they gavel.
 876%
 877@neonwario: you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought
 878%
 879@dril: my spinning 3d head rises from a dumpster full of discarded shrimp who were born fucked up by the bp oil spill. eeyaaghhHHH!!! im ALIVE baby
 880%
 881@ahuj9: those obstacle mud courses are gettin really popular so i'm cashin in on this fad by filling this mcdonald's playplace with my own shit
 882%
 883@graeyalien: New Gamer Salute i just cam e up with
 884Gamer 1:Game in Courage 
 885Gamer 2: As True Gamers Dare
 886Both in Unison: May We Game Forever
 887%
 888@IamEnidColeslaw: if I ever get to Heaven I'm going to ask God why some people put bullet hole stickers on their cars
 889%
 890@earfdae: I'll have what she's having.
 891 
 892*points to garbage truck violently shaking the alley dumpster into its open mechanical maw*
 893%
 894@ahuj9: The fact that the Blue Man Group is still around is really discouraging to the unemployed.
 895%
 896@bransonbranson: *walks into pet store* what is this some kind of pet cemetery for alive dogs
 897%
 898@bransonbranson: i was at six flags chicago today and the staff there realized quick that it was my Emotions that were the Real Roller Coaster
 899%
 900@bransonbranson: "One soft taco for one Hard man," they say, in the taco bell of my dreams
 901%
 902@bransonbranson: me and my future wife will be able to kill a 30 pack in ~3 hours
 903%
 904@boring_as_heck: religion is stupid. I hate it *dude in a rumpled suit knocks on my door at 6 pm and gives me a Jesus brochure* hm.. some salient points here
 905%
 906@stuartcraig: Please call me Dick, Penis was my father
 907%
 908@stuartcraig: Idk why everyone is so pissed off about the friend-zone. I'm pretty sure there's a ball pit and maybe even laser tag
 909%
 910@stuartcraig: My password for everything is weedfart0
 911"Why 0?"
 912Well Cathy that is the year that Jesus was born
 913%
 914@gewqk: i'm a speed reader. *looks at train* that's fast. *looks at my chex mix* it's goin really slow
 915%
 916@fart: liquor before beer, can i take a nap here. beer before liquor, can i text your sister
 917%
 918@nice_mustard: what idiot named them push up bras instead of brescalators
 919%
 920@nice_mustard: your porn star name is your first dog and the street you grew up on. cool mine is "spider prison" where are the auditions
 921%
 922@Penis_Zorro: *jay-z hangs painting*
 923hows that?
 924"to the left to the left"
 925now?
 926"to the left to the left"
 927*painting goes out window*
 928dammit bey thats 5 now
 929%
 930@virgiltexas: "Mr. President, what's your favorite place to make whoopee?"
 931
 932The audience hoots and Obama grins, his mind turning to the Drone Murder Room.
 933%
 934@crylenol: What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
 935%
 936@neonwario: know where i can find some dudes whose profile pictures are them wearing headphones in a dark room, faces illuminated by a computer screen?
 937%
 938@boring_as_heck: Today on The View, Drew Barrymore stops by to chat about her latest project. Plus, our favorite cocktails! Then: vaccines cause autism.
 939%
 940@chiIIdog: my friends have discovered bronies independent of me & we are all having a good laugh and im trying to conceal how much i know about bronies
 941%
 942@boring_as_heck: I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING... WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL."
 943%
 944@crylenol: Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
 945%
 946@mattytalks: My tweets are good as hell and that's why I'm in a sauna full of hot babes and they're feeding me hoagies while I coo
 947%
 948@brendohare: You actually miss 0% of the shots you don't take, that's how shots work
 949%
 950@sskylark: pretty much all your freestyle raps are thinly-veiled ads for the recorder lessons you offer for kids
 951%
 952@degg: all the other guys wearing hawaiian shirts and ponytails are pieces of shit. not me though, i look good and cool. im the cool one doing this
 953%
 954@MikesRadTwites: Swallow paint, shitbird. Eat fuck and choke on it. - last words to my awful 9yo son as I sold him for a bag of original Utz and a used dildo
 955%
 956@mostlyfeelings: put a fedora on the water cooler at work so people will stop congregating around it
 957%
 958@cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF MOST WILD IN THE SACK TO LEAST WILD IN THE SACK:
 959
 960S X Q O B P R W M Y V D I G E F U C H K A J N Z T L
 961%
 962@tastefactory: "See that area up there? I'd like to somehow be standing up there." - inventor of stairs
 963%
 964@WinkyBonky: *I bury grandma in the sand* sandma
 965*I karate chop grandpa in the head* handpa
 966*I have to order a new grandpa on the internet* on demandpa
 967%
 968@leyawn: "allstate. are you?"
 969"like a good neighbor, state farm is"
 970-new ad ideas existential insurance do not steal thx
 971%
 972@four_eels: a horse walks into a bar. an elephant walks into a library. a lion walks into a hospital. it’s been five years since the last human vanished
 973%
 974@brendohare: *gently rolls over in bed* Parkour
 975%
 976@brendohare: Seriously all I did today was eat waffles and watch Wall-E how am I going to make fun of a guy for having a fake girlfriend
 977%
 978@brendohare: Andre 3000 arrives in hell. He timidly approaches Satan and says "W...what's cooler than being cool?" Satan loves irony & Andre is set free
 979%
 980@brendohare: Hey SCIENTIST: If global warming is real, then why is it COLD outside? Why isn't it HOT? Where does the sun go at NIGHT? Where did I PARK?
 981%
 982@leyawn: ad idea: robin willams stumbles out of hte jumanji game. checks his iphone 5 damn hes got hell of apps to update. good gadget ad imo hire me
 983%
 984@DinkMagic: if u have a shitload of money you can buy a special other house by a lake with shittier versions of all your stuff and go there to eat chips
 985%
 986@bransonbranson: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and 9 others who fuck regularly
 987%
 988@Mickey_McCauley: Strength alone is not enough; your password must also have Compassion
 989%
 990@Bro_Pair: president obama.....isnt it fucked up and weird to try and imagine two pterodactyls having sex. imagine the noises. i dont have a question.
 991%
 992@PajamaBen_: This is my Charizard card and this is my Zapdos, Blastoise an-
 993Sir, stop-
 994Don't interrupt me. This is Gen-
 995Sir, you had the job at Charizard
 996%
 997@Aeshir: take me down to parallax city where the hills move quickly and the mountains behind move less quickly
 998%
 999@bread_thing: I work at a grocery store and every time I volunteer to do something I say "aisle do it" and it's a joke only for me
1000%
1001@bread_thing: hey girl do you wanna *pulls out dictionary* *looks up sex* woah gross what the heck never mind
1002%
1003@crushingbort: Please select a card theme:
1004☐ Birthday 
1005☐ Graduation 
1006☐ It's A Boy/Girl!
1007☑ Even Though Shark Attacks Are Statistically Very Rare, I'm Sorry
1008%
1009@wolfpupy: theres nothing in the rule book that says i cant kiss the basketball
1010%
1011@MrSpoonicorn: "What is the meaning of life?" "Why are we here?"my gold fish keeps opening his mouth to reply but doesn't know how to word it yet. i wait
1012%
1013@fart: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, those who don’t, and like 8 others i guess
1014%
1015@crushingbort: Cute girl at the bar already got a boyfriend? Not a problem--you printed out your best Rainbow Road track times for a reason.
1016%
1017@nap_dad: "sometimes men can be so misleading / to take what they need from you" says a man writing an album to get himself laid
1018%
1019@IGotsSmarts: Taylor Swift When Taylor Being Chased By Predator
1020%
1021@WeedCoffin: how come when jesus heals the blind hes "amazing" but when i glue googly eyes on a deer's butt i'm "kicked in the face by a deer"
1022%
1023@DieselCheese: want to see who can fit more crackers in their mouth
1024"dad i dont care"
1025tahts nine
1026"dad i have homework to do"
1027ats fefteem ur losing
1028%
1029@jawbroken: November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
1030%
1031@othersome: obama moves the microphone away, points at a member of the press, turns to the secret service and whispers “he wants the d”
1032%
1033@thefurlinator: *phone vibrates*
1034...
1035*phone vibrates again*
1036"Sir, you might want to answer that, freedom is calling"
1037"No, let freedom ring"
1038%
1039@leyawn: doc you gotta help me. i cant tell if im purchasing and consuming Bud Lite Lime-A-Ritas® ironically or sincerely anymore. the refreshing rea
1040%
1041@othersome: did you done a crim? hi im Bill Lawyer and if u done a Bad Thing, i wil put on my suit and go to the jodge and tell him u didnt do it #Law
1042%
1043@MuscularSon: happy birthday america. i love this country even though there's a clause in the constitiution that say s i cant mow a clitoris into my lawn
1044%
1045@spaceship_earth: "Sir, please stop downing those can beers" The experiment requires me to continue
1046%
1047@ingmarbirdman: if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door
1048%
1049@ingmarbirdman: after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode
1050%
1051@boring_as_heck: Hearing reports that Twitter may "unverify" Aaron Hernandez. Talk about irreparable damage to one's brand. Heavy stuff.
1052%
1053@crispinbest: "bitch i might be" - shrödinger's cat
1054%
1055@robwhisman: fuck/marry/kill: anthropomorphized red m&m, anthropomorphized yellow m&m, anthropomorphized brown m&m
1056%
1057@BrodyKenny: have too much to drink? get a friend to call you a cab. they'll be like "you're a cab" and you'll likely find it amusing due to intoxication
1058%
1059@blaudiablogan: Had a great dinner at the C*****r Barrel
1060%
1061@rolldiggity: The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
1062%
1063@graeyalien: Hmm What should
1064my sexy r&b singer name be?  Seal? As in aquatic seals? Sea creature. Swimmy mammal. rep that for rest of my life i guess.
1065%
1066@bonus500: High school debate champion wins again by answering "Yes it does" 93 times in a row to 92 consecutive arguments of "No it doesn't"
1067%
1068@tylerschmall: *coach takes huge hit off blunt*
1069"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
1070%
1071@rad_milk: *hears a girl talkin about some hot guy*  hmph he probably cant even wield a sword very good lmao
1072%
1073@AceMakesWords: Tragedy strikes us today as a local "Caution Tape" factory explodes, leaving officials unsure how to properly barricade the area
1074%
1075@varylarge: i think blink 182 put the 182 at the end of there name bcuz they wanted to just be blink but the hotmail email adress was all ready taken
1076%
1077@MuscularSon: hey kids *sits on a backwards chair* when you think about it the first php bulletin board was really the bible. check it out sometime
1078%
1079@JoughStrix: You say potato. I say potato as well. We cannot stop saying potato. We die. Our tombstones read 'potato.' death is the only escape.
1080%
1081@crushingbort: "When is a door not a door? When it's ablaze." I kick the door down, impressing the other firefighters with both my humor and strength
1082%
1083@leyawn: the guy next to me is havin a way better convo with his hairdresser cmon leon step it up "SO WATS YOUR FAV THING ABOUT HAIR" fuck fuck ffuck
1084%
1085@degg: im fat but handsome and my hair is luxurious. my butt smells and i cant stress enough how heavyset i am
1086%
1087@jitka: "Slim Jim" is short for "Slames James"
1088%
1089@UrplePingo: Well I'm fluent in three dialects of Elvish so that explains the panties in the chandelier
1090%
1091@yourpalsparky: some may tell you bulbasaur was the best pokemon to start with cause he's good against rock & water but guess what life is full of hardship
1092%
1093@DankHerbMullet: aqua teen hunger games
1094%
1095@DankHerbMullet: should never have brought babar to the damn club "i like learning" be cool, babar. fuck.
1096%
1097@ivanthefargo: Best quote from zoo today: "mom checkout the monkeys or whatever the fuck in here" - a full grown man in reference to the meerkat exhibit.
1098%
1099@Tormny_Pickeals: lady, if my sea lion impression where i strip nude & eat raw fish gets more attention than ur zoo animals, then ur zoo's the problem. not me
1100%
1101@stuartcraig: At 11:11 I wish that everyone who is superstitious would take a science class
1102%
1103@grifteezy: What a crazy world! Pizza is a fruit, water is a metal, anime is a mental disorder. The sky is flames. A 4th dimensional skull is president
1104%
1105@dril: fucking Nude Man ruine all our laser tag games, cant shoot him cause he isnt wearing the vest, cant rack up any points against him
1106%
1107@Lowenaffchen: 1863: I'm standing on the Mason-Dixon line rubbing the Union and Confederate flags together and making kissing noises. Everyone is yelling
1108%
1109@BuckyIsotope: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's" I sob as I cram them into both barrels of a loaded shotgun and put it in my mouth. I die delicious.
1110%
1111@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
1112%
1113@ahuj9: the best part about being a cartographer is you can use height maps and contour lines to figure out the best place to make out
1114%
1115@postcrunk: stereotypes persist because they're more marketable than the idea of individual complex beings with unfathomable realities
1116%
1117@MuscularSon: *slides next to girl at the bar* and imo the whole subculture of weird twitter is just an extension of post modernism
1118%
1119@MuscularSon: just realized that the Aeron Chair by Herman Miller - Highly Adjustable Graphite Frame - with PostureFit - Carbon Classic (Medium) cant hug
1120%
1121@bransonbranson: grow my dick four inches in *four* weeks???!?!??? but the winter formal is on saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1122%
1123@bransonbranson: i'm dry humping the shit out of this chick in a one piece bathing suit in this outdoor motel hot tub and i voted Cigarettes for president
1124%
1125@brendlewhat: Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
1126%
1127@bug_deal: ive been dating your mom…. carbon dating that is ;D she's ten million years old and ive been Fucking her too
1128%
1129@Bro_Pair: You like my tweets, homo? *flexes biceps* yeah I bet you like my tweets you big fag *arches rippling back*
1130%
1131@briangaar: My dad keeps calling lol I'm not talking to someone with 20 followers
1132%
1133@hamsandcastle: Just learned that bathrooms don't count as rides in Roller Coaster Tycoon and am shutting down Toilet Acres with a heavy heart.
1134%
1135@lizard_wizard77: yr tellin me i left the forest for the 1st time in my fuckin life for shoes w/ wheels?? wish i never even found this coupon for rollerblades
1136%
1137@BevisSimpson: Next on the discovery channel an elephant balancing on a ball. And you wont believe how many clowns come out of one car. Next on discovery
1138%
1139@BikiniBabeLover: "PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM...
1140
1141P - PLEASUREFUL
1142I - INTERESTING
1143Z - CANT THINK OF ONE
1144Z - CANT THINK OF ONE
1145A - "AGG"-CELLENT
1146%
1147@RorynotRoy: “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
1148%
1149@UtilityLimb: yes terry our job IS just to make them but shouldn't we tell someone about this order for 6,000,000,000 "BONESLAVE" novelty license plates?
1150%
1151@crushingbort: it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the guns taped to the dogs head *batman voice* Alfred look what I did to the dog
1152%
1153@Bro_Pair: Well....as the agreat Persian poet Rumi eonce wrote  "Out beyond good and evil there is a field. Please let me finger you there"
1154%
1155@barf_bag_: *children line up, Captain von Trapp plays whistle*  
1156ma$e,  
1157ke$ha,  
1158a$ap rocky  
1159too $hort 
1160curren$y
1161%
1162@mostlyfeelings: *cries because my lawnmover has moved on to another lawn* it is so sad
1163%
1164@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com:
1165
1166*man yells nonsense out his window*
1167
1168Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
1169%
1170@fart: i've been going to starbucks a lot more ever since i decided my starbucks cup name is “Rasmussen”
1171%
1172@boring_as_heck: THIS IS A ROBBERY. Hand over all the cash, preferably in a giant suspicious bag with a dollar sign on it.
1173%
1174@boring_as_heck: Lebron. Are you happy you won. "Yes." There you have it, folks.
1175%
1176@TrevorsDumbass: take me down to the alzheimers city where the grass is green and welcome to the jungle
1177%
1178@TheThomason: A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom.
1179%
1180@nickmullen: calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son
1181%
1182@boring_as_heck: "A person of note has died. Time to change the tenses on their Wikipedia page." - literally multiple people
1183%
1184@graeyalien: OHHHHHHHHHHHH Bro + Ponies
1185%
1186@BronzeHammer: Hey kid...catch
1187*Lebron tosses kid his headband*
1188*Kid tosses it back*
1189Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
1190%
1191@Fred_Delicious: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
1192"officer, I'm..."
1193*turns to camera*
1194"double jointed"
1195*cop starts breakdancing*
1196%
1197@crushingbort: do you think Hitler was the kind of guy who marched up an escalator or did he just stood there and if so did he let other people go by
1198%
1199@MuscularSon: sexually frustrated frank caliendo tryin to pick up a 21 year old girl at the bar without doin the madden voice
1200%
1201@boring_as_heck: Rob, what was it like on the set of Grown-Ups 2? Must have been a real laugh riot! "Haha, it was a great experience. Vaccines cause autism."
1202%
1203@piss_wizard: NEW JO BSEARCH STRATEGY: GET DRUNK, REPLY WITH CV AND "YEAH I CAN DO THIS" TO EVERY ADVERT. DONT WASTE TIME READING THE ADVERT.
1204%
1205@ahuj9: *takes a picture of a stop sign and sends it to a blog about passive agressive notes*
1206%
1207@rov_rovovo: i made a graph of the reasons i've been dumped in the past. this is the ex-axis and this is the why-axis
1208%
1209@Kalarlis: look i'm sorry but when i committed myself to this relationship i didn't realize that you don't have netflix
1210%
1211@dubstep4dads: you've got a 9. would you like to hit, sir?
1212"sure"
1213*hands card*
1214"11? thats not even a card wh-"
1215*you look up. your dealer is bush. he grins*
1216%
1217@electrolemon: So the NSA heard everytime a girl told me I was great in bed?! [i peer over my shoulder & move closer to some women by the bar] So the NSA h
1218%
1219@dril: review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off
1220%
1221@Mickey_McCauley: Lil Wayne pauses. "You feel it?" The earth trembles again, harder. A crow caws. His eyes widen in fear as the the horns sound. "Big Wayne."
1222%
1223@Mickey_McCauley: Start an argument by adding another woman to the stick-figure family decals on the back of a minivan
1224%
1225@crushingbort: Hello, not-confident guy here. Mind if I group with you all? Trying to talk to a girl here among us. I'm not threatening anyone. So, sports
1226%
1227@crushingbort: She pre-ordered the D
1228%
1229@jitka: I can't believe nobody thought of sandwiches until like the 1700s. The past was stupid
1230%
1231@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president*
1232*is asked race sensitive question
1233"The thing is, I don't see color"
1234*crowd goes wild*
1235%
1236@DuncanIdunno: Judge a person by how long they commit to an unsuccessful attempt at starting a chant
1237%
1238@hell_homer: Hello, 911? My grandson said Windows 2000 is "gay and old like me"
1239%
1240@electrolemon: "Open the car doors, mom!" "The button is broken. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." Thus spoke Sara Thrustra, from her 2001 Honda Odyssey
1241%
1242@johnfreiler: most people move to the suburbs to escape the bustle of city life, find a better school district, or to have more room to bury the bodies
1243%
1244@ceejoyner: Kind of hard to be on time for work when I have to stop at every steaming sewer grate to rip a sax solo.
1245%
1246@Kyle_Lippert: A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
1247%
1248@Kyle_Lippert: If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, you've broken its spirit & it's now insecure & weak. It has been defeated. You won
1249%
1250@Kyle_Lippert: Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.
1251%
1252@Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying
1253%
1254@leyawn: morpheus is making leon a sandwich!! *crew of the nebuchadnezzar stop what theyre doing and run to the control room*
1255%
1256@boring_as_heck: Tesla ftw. Big time Tesla fan here. F*ck yeah Tesla. Oh for the last god damn time I'm allowed to smoke this inside, it's an e-cig.
1257%
1258@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"
1259%
1260@amelialikesyou: *takes sip of wine, staring out the window as Rain gently cascades off the Glass* i wonder how many times tom hanks Fucked that volleyball
1261%
1262@diaper_wolf: mum is mad that she bought me a treadmill & i never use it. shes wrong; i put a burger on it just this morning and had it zoom into my mouth
1263%
1264@leyawn: *looks at a beautiful swan* that is a bull shit goose
1265%
1266@leyawn: i hope every one is trying their best online today but also having fun
1267%
1268@leyawn: OBAMA: I PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET. ROMNEY [HASTILY]: UH I ALSO PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET #DEBATE #CAT #PLANET
1269%
1270@Mickey_McCauley: The NSA has been collecting millions of phone records, 80% of which were outgoing calls from the Jerk Store
1271%
1272@tastefactory: To make their essays seem longer, students in the Middle Ages often used Courier Olde font instead of the standard Medieval Times New Roman
1273%
1274@dril: i can't afford any rat literature because i spent too much money on the elaborate sign over my empty bookcase which reads "RAT LITERATURE"
1275%
1276@leyawn: hugghhhh yea this tomato is fresh. lets turn it into a stupid sugar paste instead fo a million other better things
1277%
1278@emergingthought: use discount code SMDH and we will shake our damn heads while we pack your order
1279%
1280@LordSuplexious: Hey everybody we're LinkedIn Park are we're gonna sing you a song about the correct way to page break on your resume
1281%
1282@michael_raphone: The fact that earthworms are called earthworms suggests the existrnce of sea worms and, more distressingly, air and fire worms.
1283%
1284@ChrisThayerSays: "I also enjoy fingering." - Michael Douglas announcing he has Carpal Tunnel
1285%
1286@sucittaM: When you ask me to tell someone you said hello I actually tell them you said the N word. Maybe just text them next time.
1287%
1288@spaceship_earth: yeah let me send u my snapchat, i love seeing your content so much, i want to look at it on a different app
1289%
1290@fart: i want to do something spontaneous like throw a dart at a map and live wherever it lands, then make a whole new life in the indian ocean
1291%
1292@dril: my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou
1293%
1294@dril: me and TekkenChauncey banned from red lobster after getting into scuffle over gradius canon & becoming tangled in decorative fishing net
1295%
1296@snazzmania: 2064; Gangnam Style plays softly over a diner radio. An old man gently takes his wife's hand. "Hey sexy lady, they're playing our song."
1297%
1298@snazzmania: What if your dog suddenly made the "AUWAH-AH-AH-AH" sound from Down With The Sickness, that'd be fucking terrifying
1299%
1300@nice_mustard: ladies, sex with me is like gun control. no matter how much we talk about it nothing happens bc we can't get it to work down south
1301%
1302@crushingbort: Air Bud sees his first murder scene after joining the force and throws up. "You'll get used to i--" Air Bud is already eating it all back up
1303%
1304@Lowenaffchen: Online tips: 1. Dont look at porno or your wife will find out 2. Theres a site called History that shows your wife what pornos you looked at
1305%
1306@electrolemon: "do you love trail mix, but hate all the gross peanuts and raisins in there? well guess what motherfucker," begins my kickstarter
1307%
1308@SexCarl: what you nimrods interpret as spam mail has provided me with several ipads and a massive, powerful penis
1309%
1310@TitaniumToplass: Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do
1311%
1312@mauracakes: If you're really hot you can express any horrible opinion with impunity. My goal weight is telling everyone that the Jews did 9/11
1313%
1314@craigslistlove: Basically imagine Milhouse but taller
1315%
1316@laurenbutt: when girls go to the bathroom as a pair we are absolutely smooshing our boobs against each other and just generally having a ball
1317%
1318@tastefactory: Oh great, I just remembered I'm a weird, self-aware animal that lives on a big scary space rock.
1319%
1320@lizard_wizard77: “dont date the player date the game” –the rapper the game
1321%
1322@YUNGLIKEAHORSE: *kills hitler* hm, looks like i pitched a no-hitler *strangles himmler* the heindrich manuever *looks at camera* they did nazi that coming
1323%
1324@Mobute: 19 Companies That Made Huge Social Media Fails - 
13251. Dessauer Chemist - Zyklon B. 
13262. Union Carbide - Bhopal disaster. 
13273. Dow - Napalm.
1328%
1329@Bro_Pair: typical media bias: none of the sunday morning talk shows said word 1 about me & a buddy getting our dicks caught in a chinese finger-trap
1330%
1331@ceejoyner: A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
1332%
1333@flannel_toilet: i have a phd in 90s remembering. my thesis is titled Non-Pejorative Slam Pieces: Pogs as Postmodern Expression of the Fucken Rad. unemployed
1334%
1335@brownboyblues: Thats So Raven! Wow Thats Really Raven! Whoa Thats A Little Too Raven. Hey Man Im Worried About How Raven That Is. Take It Easy On The Raven
1336%
1337@lawblob: if I had a time machine I'd go back and explain to Hitler how bad his personal brand was becoming
1338%
1339@leyawn: i got all my ducks in a chaotic, constantly moving flock that swarms around me wherever i go. we shit on your stupid row of ducks
1340%
1341@dril: what's that bitch?? you say twitter is a "vacuous cesspool of lackadaisical platitudism"? yeah, i can make up words too: blublubludgyuhgh
1342%
1343@dril: legally obligated to go door to door and inform neighbors of sex offender status but this is a good opportunity to sell my custom Gamecube's
1344%
1345@lawblob: hi it’s me, the guy with 30 followers. I’m here to talk about the spelling / grammar in your last tweet
1346%
1347@ariscott: 1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous 
1348
13492003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known
1350
13512013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine
1352%
1353@weedguy420boner: When I die please remove the dirt compartment from my roomba and set him free in the streets
1354%
1355@mattytalks: I had a dream where I was visited by the ghost of Christmas fast and the ghost of Christmas furious
1356%
1357@mattytalks: "Stacy's Mom is Buried in my Lawn" ~ Fountains of John Wayne Gacy
1358%
1359@Home_Halfway: Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
1360%
1361@Are_Kelly: it's the remix to ignition/ college student edition/ i eat poptarts for dinner/ i can't afford my tuition
1362%
1363@Bro_Pair: "Tech support? Xbox One didn't measure my insulin level correctly...what? Died 3 years ago? impossible. I'M the owner of this Xbox. Unless-"
1364%
1365@crylenol: [Wu-Tang Pot Luck]
1366
1367"All I brought was the ruckus"
1368"Yea, me too."
1369"Did anyone not bring the ruckus?"
1370*silence*
1371%
1372@kbridge: The next meeting of Time Traveler's Club will be held immediately prior to this one, as you know.
1373%
1374@Tom_Vom: it's kinda dope to think that Tom Hanks and I are on the same internet, just browsing sites and having fun.
1375%
1376@lawblob: meeting women is easy. first, go to a place where women congregate, such as a pond or a windmill. then you wait…days, months, maybe years
1377%
1378@Duane1024: Do you have someone in your home who loves baseball? Then they will absolutely love a DVR: a digital video recorder.
1379%
1380@SCbchbum: Get the fuck out if you go on The People’s Court without a stack of irrelevant papers to shuffle through.
1381%
1382@WeedCoffin: *drags a dead body into apple store* YO WHERE'S SIRI I NEED SIRI RIGHT FUCKING NOW
1383%
1384@OuterJohn: In olden times an okcupid profile listed three things: length of mustache, number of wagons, and all-time favorite wheat field
1385%
1386@dammitbabies: ‘What’s cooler than cool?’ 
1387You venture: Ice Cold? 
1388“No.” Andre 3000 turns to face you. “Betrayal,” he sneers. 
1389Your heart stops. He knows.
1390%
1391@famouscrab: some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
1392%
1393@crushingbort: "You are NOT the father," Maury yells. Guy starts dancing. Richard Dawkins stands up in the audience. "Do you know who is also not a Father"
1394%
1395@mattytalks: What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering
1396%
1397@davedittell: I wish I was a stand up comedian, Stephen Hawking said as he blew out his candles.
1398TECHNICALLY THAT'S TWO WISHES, STEPHEN, BUT I'LL GRANT IT
1399%
1400@boring_as_heck: Hundreds of 69-year-olds commit mass suicide. "They'll have to say 69 on the news a lot," said the leader of the group, a huge bad-ass.
1401%
1402@boring_as_heck: Kudos to the reporters yelling "Do you smoke crack" at Rob Ford, as if maybe he'll be like "Oh, yeah, totally."
1403%
1404@jonnysun: i cant believe you kiled Death himself adn turned him into a sofa... what have u done. this has serious reaper cushions
1405%
1406@johnfreiler: are recent college grads still getting "oh, the places you'll go" as gifts or are we just giving them "the road" yet
1407%
1408@MrSpoonicorn: i know what youre thinking & no, this isnt real barbed wire around my arm, its a sick tatt thats designed to look like it. im tough as hell
1409%
1410@911VICTIM: my gf blew over when i went to pick her up. but because my car is really fast. not because shes cardboard
1411%
1412@drugmountain: 1920s: I hate flappers
14131960s: I hate hippies.
14141980s: I hate yuppies.
1415Today: I hate hipsters.
14162030s: I hate grimples
14172070s: I hate jonkflons
1418%
1419@lawblob: saw some guy checking me out so I was like “whats ur problem bro! u like dudes?” I punched him then we kissed
1420
1421also, someone broke ur mirror
1422%
1423@duckpuppet: You shot 4,548,645,546,872 pounds of buffalo, but you can only carry 50 back to the wagon Press Any Key To Continue
1424%
1425@iRowlf: "Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!"
1426
1427-Vin Diesel eating a purse
1428%
1429@MuscularSon: somebody has eaten my last hot dogh *makes a fucked up fweird face out my mansion window as lighting strikes* someone will die tonight
1430%
1431@yerfavoritejoel: million dollar idea: Give me a million dollars and I stop ripping up your lawn with my giant bird feet
1432%
1433@ideaot: how many rules does it take to screw in a fight bulb
1434%
1435@fart: so the IRS took a closer look at groups whose entire thing is “man we hate paying taxes” and this is bad or dumb somehow
1436%
1437@dril: YOUTUBE VID "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS.  TIME TO ROLL OUT THE "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR
1438%
1439@SanditonCoffee: We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
1440%
1441@blaudiablogan: I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.
1442%
1443@lawblob: my favorite yoga position is breathing heavily against the glass outside the yoga studio
1444%
1445@TheThomason: Bought the world a Coke. One can for 7 billion people. There's no sharing, only bloodshed. A warlord rules this smoking ruin. I'm sorry.
1446%
1447@ahuj9: Trying to learn a new language? Switch your phone to another language and soon you'll have no idea why the fuck you did that. Switch it back
1448%
1449@2tonbug: Every time I think I can pull off a fedora, the person moves their head
1450%
1451@spaceship_earth: if you arent constantly going viral im not sure where our business interest meet sir
1452%
1453@JevenSteakobson: *scans hieroglyphs* by god we found it.. the Lost Meme *ceiling starts to collapse* theres no time. the world will never know Upset Pharaoh
1454%
1455@crushingbort: AD 2013. Racism has been completely eliminated from the face of the earth. Except for the existence of black history month and no white hist
1456%
1457@brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"
1458%
1459@TitaniumToplass: "OK, so it's agreed, we'll call this day Wendsday. Does anyone have anything else? Yes, Richard?" 
1460
1461"Let's spell it fucked up"
1462%
1463@gawsh: authorities vow to find and destroy all rock tumblers. "we are doing everything we can to stop kids from kissing smooth, glistening stones"
1464%
1465@Ulillillysses: [loses an entire chicken nugget in the compueter keyboard]
1466%
1467@boring_as_heck: Mr. President? Sir? I think you might wanna take a look at this. It's a Biggest Fails Of The Year compilation. Oh man this part is so good.
1468%
1469@thrillbo: *paris, 1997* *drives around wreckage of black sedan* excuuuuuuse me, princess
1470%
1471@leyawn: shout out to all hte moms out there for warding off predators with bright coloration and giant eyespots on their wings
1472%
1473@meganamram: "I sold my iPad to buy u a loop of Oprah dancing" "I sold my tumblr to buy u a loop of a squirrel winking for ur iPad" (The Gif of the Magi)
1474%
1475@ariscott: Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
1476%
1477@leh0n: *rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!!
1478%
1479@woodmuffin: all right you bastard, we've got you hooked up to the polygraph and we want answers. first question: what number am i thinking of
1480%
1481@beefstalin: I wanna put a liner in my truck bed and make it a pool. But I want to be the guy driving and the babe chilling in the pool at the same time.
1482%
1483@huntermadeit: Liquids are great you can turn any floor into a dangerous one
1484%
1485@jake_dot: you can feed a child for just pennies a day but theyre gonna hate it pennies taste real bad, just awful
1486%
1487@Favvstar: robocop's full name is robert o. cop
1488%
1489@robwhisman: WAKA, IT'S MARVIN. YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN FLOCKA FLAME.
1490%
1491@robwhisman: this weather is so hot i wouldn't be surprised if it told me what a great friend i am
1492%
1493@robwhisman: i like my women like i like my coffee: all over my crotch mere seconds after being picked up at the arby's drive-thru
1494%
1495@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
1496%
1497@robwhisman: sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their abercrombie & fitch shirts who probly can't even name one abercrombie & fitch album
1498%
1499@robwhisman: don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy "the player" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "the game"
1500%
1501@crushingbort: "Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes*
1502%
1503@MaryKoCo: Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
1504%
1505@MaryKoCo: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hi
1506%
1507@MaryKoCo: If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
1508%
1509@MaryKoCo: Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
1510%
1511@MaryKoCo: Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
1512%
1513@weedhitler: "pizza is a vegetable" "orange soda is a fruit" "bedtimes are illegal" wait a sec. *opens doors to congress, it's full of 12 year-olds*
1514%
1515@maxlavergne: Groening quits Simpsons! “im tired of drawing the yelow people” he say “u have to draw them so many times to make it look like there moving”
1516%
1517@Linzbulb: Tap my vertebrae in the proper sequence so my rib cage opens like a locket. Climb inside and write your name on all my organs
1518%
1519@stuartcraig: Ok twitter, I'd say "compose" is a strong word for what were doing here
1520%
1521@MuscularSon: well im just mad as hell that dollar general does not have a sommelier on site but i guess this jug of carlo rossi will do for my hot dogs
1522%
1523@lawblob: the boss walked-in on me furiously trying to open a Capri Sun under my desk.
1524
1525mostly it was awkward b/c I was also watching porn at the time
1526%
1527@RowdyBowden: Please Choose Your Family Photo Backdrop:
1528- Leaning On Old Wagon Wheel
1529- Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
1530- A Giant, Bloodshot Eye
1531- Seagull Party
1532%
1533@olhnso: Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell
1534%
1535@DoctorDogballs: local minor league baseball team has a $10 all you can drink beer night & I'm going to show them that marketing decisions have consequences
1536%
1537@Mickey_McCauley: Home Alone 6: Take A Hint, Kevin
1538%
1539@spaceship_earth: Your libertarian sex offending college weed dealer likes a page: Esurance
1540%
1541@mrsjohngoodman: somewhere right now a priest is listening to "Lose Yourself" to get pumped up before an exorcism
1542%
1543@dukelongboard: "She wants the 'dhi" - Gandhi
1544%
1545@roaringblood: "When I'm with you, it's like every day is March 11." - A 311 fan who's in a really good relationship with another 311 fan
1546%
1547@dukelongboard: RIP John Lennon, died doing what he loved; getting murdered
1548%
1549@DCpierson: God approaches your deathbed. "Hey, if you've enjoyed your life experience, I would love it if you could give me all fives on this survey."
1550%
1551@crushingbort: at some point there's been a guy who proposed during Christmas in a Santa suit and he got turned down and there he was still in a Santa suit
1552%
1553@rad_milk: How Many Golden Corral Entrees Can You Fuck Before They Destroy Your All You Can Eat Contract
1554%
1555@galvinchow: PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
1556%
1557@hamsandcastle: Ru**ats in Paris
1558%
1559@lawblob: nice medal, grandpa *rolls eyes*
1560
1561wow u shot down 5 Nazi planes? *makes J/O motion*
1562
1563Um, I’ve killed like 5 million Nazis. It’s called XBOX
1564%
1565@killcops247: may i remind the defendant that he is under oath and therefore doesn't have to precede every sentence with "real talk"
1566%
1567@killcops247: i followed my dad on twitter and he added me to a list called "sons that i dont love" and im the only person on it
1568%
1569@jonnysun: first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club
1570%
1571@jonnysun: YO who died adn made u king?? oh rigt. ur dad, the king. i gues we do live in a monarchy here in 15th centurey englamd. im sorry for ur loss
1572%
1573@spaceship_earth: all the people in the club are getting meta about their shared tropes
1574%
1575@ceejoyner: Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
1576%
1577@leh0n: SHE was looking for love in all the wrong places. HE was mentally ill from doing too much irony online. The Notebook 2: Weird Notebook
1578%
1579@othersome: the number one most signed petition on the white house website is currently "have you ever had soup obama" followed by "admit it you did"
1580%
1581@AutisticPet: venue manager accidentally books 'countless crows', chaos ensues as they tear and rend the soft flesh of would-be concertgoers
1582%
1583@stuartcraig: Um I think you mean Fewer Misérables
1584%
1585@markleggett: Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".
1586%
1587@dril: what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player & it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA
1588%
1589@woodmuffin: "Hell is other mall cops" - Jean-Paul Blartre
1590%
1591@PajamaBen_: In a mosh pit. Youre jumping. Except youre the only person. Everyone else is a puppy. Keep jumping. Youre happy. They love you. We love you.
1592%
1593@MrSpoonicorn: *a shark flies in through the window & smashes into the TV*
1594"SHARKOUR"
1595*everyone laughs & forgives the shark because of his rad joke*
1596%
1597@2tonbug: I always cry whenever I'm slicing onions, because that's what my brother was doing right before he exploded
1598%
1599@3Dnudeman: every once in a while i like to give a nice big  Thumbs up to the sun, its doing a good job and i want it to know that i appreciate it
1600%
1601@bransonbranson: with the number one overall pick in the 2013 nfl draft the chiefs take such a good boy, such a strong, good boy, what a good boy he is
1602%
1603@UtilityLimb: my pitch for a "gritty reboot of myself" isn't going so well; all the pre-schools say i can't enroll at 28
1604%
1605@IamEnidColeslaw: 1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs
1606%
1607@EireannDolan: As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"
1608%
1609@rad_milk: dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain
1610%
1611@Lindzeta: when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
1612%
1613@bransonbranson: would you still love your cat sooooo much if he said the n word
1614%
1615@nice_mustard: yeah i work in porn. you know the pizza delivery guy who shows up & has sex? *drops shades* i'm the guy who eats the pizza
1616%
1617@tpoact: my boss just touch my tittie & smiled. im self employed hehe
1618%
1619@CoolBabyRat: magneto forcing wolverine into jacking off at a funeral
1620%
1621@LennoxTruman: The hostess at church says there's a 45-min wait to be seated and that it makes her uncomfortable when I refer to the Olive Garden as church
1622%
1623@urfavoritejoel: Ladies, just call me an obscure holiday, cause you prolly won't get off on me
1624%
1625@SatansTongue: HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
1626
1627BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1628
16291ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
1630
1631DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
1632
1633ＷＨＹ ＤＩＤＮ'Ｔ ＹＯＵ ＨＥＬＰ
1634%
1635@boring_as_heck: under where do you see yourself in 5 years you wrote "jacking off in a hot air balloon" and then "it doesnt even matter if its in the air"
1636%
1637@Tom_Vom: It's been a week since I started this Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. I'm tired, I haven't showered, I just want to see my family.
1638%
1639@ahuj9: i never learned to dance. my family shunned any movement of the arms and legs that wasn't utilitarian
1640%
1641@ahuj9: What if God was one of us? Posting on Reddit and tagging us in unfunny eCard pics on facebook.
1642%
1643@dogboner: congrats to the millionaire singers and performers who won tonight Im out of toilet paper so I'm washing the poop off my butt in the shower
1644%
1645@boring_as_heck: Cant believe how hard core Nirvana was... tricking a baby with money, and then the baby drowned, and u can see its wiener.. Damn
1646%
1647@chiIIdog: *falls in to a Hole Hidden Under Some Leafs trap*
1648%
1649@robwhisman: hey my name is rob but can you write rahb on my cup i haven't landed anything good on instagram in a while
1650%
1651@nice_mustard: before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
1652%
1653@doctorveritas: Curious George Plunges The Needle Down And Feels Like He Can See Into Heaven
1654%
1655@HunkyJimpjorps: Aren't you supposed to bury Thatcher under a crossroads or something? Otherwise she's gonna roam the countryside privatizing things
1656%
1657@mzeld: Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
1658%
1659@robwhisman: football am i right. love that sport. linebacker. ok now that chicks have stopped reading fellas i cut my sack shaving how do stop bleeding
1660%
1661@HAlanScott: I love sex. At least I'm pretty sure I will.
1662%
1663@MuscularSon: a chart of how white people who liked the chappelle show would turn it off when the musical guests came on
1664%
1665@robwhisman: every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can't help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt
1666%
1667@ughrevolution: if you leave youtube comments they should print a little booklet of all of those you've made when you die and hand it out at your funeral
1668%
1669@doctorveritas: "Goodbye, everybody," I say as I crawl under the bed. The monster I feared in childhood is waiting for me. I take its hand.
1670%
1671@boring_as_heck: chopped judge: this food is good as hell
1672[contestant smiles]
1673here's where you fucked up though, big time
1674[contestant looks insanely uneasy]
1675%
1676@diarrhea: to make your own sexting pseudonym, you combine the name your childhood best friend and the thing you're most afraid of. mine is Mom Girls.
1677%
1678@SaddestTiger: excuse me sir, just letting you know that you forgot to take the tag and sticker off your hat. whoa, alright. no need for profanity.
1679%
1680@bn2b: I hope noone in Africa busy repaying their Kiva loans ever sees Kickstarter. "Money for an album about Dr. Mario? They pay it back right?"
1681%
1682@leh0n: I'm a gamer foodie. Lol at cheetos and mt dew. Toasted eggplant avocado wraps much? Eat a braised quail slider every time i get a headshot
1683%
1684@boring_as_heck: seems as though George Orwell was wrong about 1984. none of that stuff happened that year. way to go George. your book is worthless.
1685%
1686@davedittell: look at the sign, buddy, "all you can eat shrimp." sign don't say "all you WANT to eat." *cocks gun* now keep eatin.
1687%
1688@BronzeHammer: obamacare is a fuckin trainwreck. kids with cancer don't even want insurance now. "the website is bad," they said, dying. "its too slow"
1689%
1690@boring_as_heck: hello 911. somebody crapped through the glory hole in my stall. no emergency, I just wanted to tell somebody and forgot my phone password.
1691%
1692@leh0n: I did not ask to be born with aspergers. It was thrust upon me, just like Sonic's quest to save the master emerald from Doctor Robotnik
1693%
1694@dangerousneil: ok buy 4loko, energy drink, big water bottle. mix the 4loko and energy drink. drink that shit. why do u have a water bottle throw it away
1695%
1696@neonwario: I'm gonna kick the ass... the ass that you have... lemme start over... I'm gonna kick your ass tonight (why did i say tonight what the fuck)
1697%
1698@BAKKOOONN: if you put that clear disc that comes at the top of a spool of blank dvds into a dvd player theres videos of no skin people making out
1699%
1700@Mickey_McCauley: I Defend Pooping In The Tank Of This Orphanage's Only Toilet, Using Ayn Rand's Objectivism
1701%
1702@leyawn: Hurrr i dont give nicknames to my pokemon. my wifi network is called linksys and my dog is called Dog
1703%
1704@dril: as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard
1705%
1706@McNevich: 1-buy waterbed
1707
17082-fill with wine 
1709
17103-get Capri Sun straw
1711
17124-never leave your bed again
1713%
1714@ConorTripler: manager at subway won't tell me which sandwich artist is the most post-modern
1715%
1716@dogboner: He works at a startup. She opened her own gluten free dog treat shop in park slope. Their six hour long proposal video will melt your heart
1717%
1718@pisscop: why does barack obama remind us hes got children all the time yes obama we get it uve had sex i almost did once too, whatever man
1719%
1720@COMPUTER_KID: hm another practical, thoughtful multipage essay from an Affluent White Man about Traveling Light with thousands of dollars of apple gadgets
1721%
1722@COMPUTER_KID: I Went To College And All I Got Was This Lousy Tendency To Complain That I Never Get The Things I'm Owed
1723%
1724@COMPUTER_KID: *DESCENDS FROM NIGHT SKY, HOVERS SILENTLY AT DRIVETHRU* REALLY. YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO DENY ME SERVICE BECAUSE I AM NOT IN A CAR. *GLOWS*
1725%
1726@butt_ham: 87 dead, 142 injured and counting as the Coors Light train rips through the city again. Police urging white males to stop cracking open beer
1727%
1728@dangerousneil: oh whats this. *pulls dog food can out of coworker's bag that i planted earlier* Stacy eats dog food. Look at this everybody. my goodness
1729%
1730@drugleaf: i just lit a cigarette using a toaster like some kinda Depressed MacGyver
1731%
1732@AceMakesWords: (girl receives a scrawled message by carrier pigeon)
1733"I mis u, luve. carryr pigen desrvs lotsa bred"
1734(pigeon discreetly brushes a pen aside)
1735%
1736@bug_deal: I buy soap that says For Men on it because i'm one of those and i want to be sure the soap will work on me
1737%
1738@COMPUTER_KID: in my free time i like to sit in a fucking enormous chair and be really god damn right about the tech news
1739%
1740@Ennui_Raver: Hm whats that? You think capitalism is bad? Well i just found our i can buy a shrimp ring from the drug store now. So actually its good
1741%
1742@dril: just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit & blood will drip upon the funny impact font
1743%
1744@vrunt: speed dating sucks. it takes way more than 7 minutes just to explain what an arduino is
1745%
1746@robwhisman: check it out. put up a shelf for empty liquor bottles so people can see what we've drank. yeah. right below the boondock saints poster
1747%
1748@electrolemon: Gary Busey's Open Letter To Miley Cyrus Scrawled On The Back Of A Wet Chili's Napkin Is The Most Heart-Warming Thing You'll Read All Day
1749%
1750@boring_as_heck: This bar has a clever chalk sign outside. Let's go in and have a drink. The sign makes me want to drink here.
1751%
1752@neonwario: I tell ya, Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering! It's a Wife Sentence! I can't believe she's gone
1753%
1754@SamuelRahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.
1755%
1756@thatsnotkosher: Let's hear what both cheeks of my ass have to say about this issue. Welcome to CNN
1757%
1758@LatherRinseRT: “How did you and mom meet?”
1759“Well I added your mom on Facebook, poked her, liked every pic, and commented ‘dang’ on the cleavage ones”
1760%
1761@LatherRinseRT: Hey guys. It’s me, Malcolm, from Malcolm in the Middle. But there’s nothing “in the middle” about my stance on abortion.
1762%
1763@spaceship_earth: so disturbed by my iDevices' post-upgrade lagging, can't even remember the last time i thought about millennials casual hookup culture
1764%
1765@ahuj9: November 1st - October 30th: Don't approach houses covered with bones.
1766
1767October 31st: Go for it.
1768%
1769@KomodogD: Anchorman (2004) - Will Ferrell and a star-studded cast do all the quotes from Anchorman (2004) in order (94 mins)
1770%
1771@vvvolte: does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
1772%
1773@meganamram: Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
1774%
1775@Lowenaffchen: what do you mean its not on there. you said you were a professional DJ. ok try searching with the ! at the end instead of after Godspeed You
1776%
1777@danieleastman: I saw the best joke formats of my generation destroyed
1778%
1779@wettbutt: "can you use it in a sentence"
1780- He was a very Erudite drummer 
1781"can you use it in another sentence"
1782- His drum skills were very Erudite
1783%
1784@mattytalks: The name is Juan, Juan Headlight
1785%
1786@wettbutt: hahaha im gonna get a doctorate in Anthropology and pronounce it human beans the entire time. they cant stop me its not illegal
1787%
1788@neonwario: straight fucking LAUGHING at the idiots who don't say how long their commute to work is with a ± margin of error
1789%
1790@000___000: the proper nomenclature for a group of orangutans is a confederacy of dunstons
1791%
1792@BAKKOOONN: big time thanksgiving tip; you put the turkey in a childs car seat and drive around with the window down. let the sun do your work, idiot
1793%
1794@relatabledad: dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
1795%
1796@shruglord: i'm not high maytance. maintice? maytennis? fuck i am high though
1797%
1798@TheNardvark: RT @AaronSorkin After much trepidation, I’ve decided to join Twitter. What piques my curiosity is the economy of language required to (1/57)
1799%
1800@briangaar: Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid
1801%
1802@ahuj9: Hot Camgirls that Accept Bitcoin!! These Randian honeys are Objectively smokin!! Give your invisible hand of the market a workout ;)
1803%
1804@wettbutt: newsflash twidiots: i actually like checking if my fridge is running. Every time you prank me with that youre making sure my food is good
1805%
1806@wettbutt: characterized by a devil-may-care usage of hyphens
1807%
1808@extranapkins: Unlike most people who don't own televisions, I don't own one on purpose. Yes, it was no accident that I don't own a television;
1809%
1810@vvvolte: Sometimes I really hate dealing with other people, but other times, I'm asleep so I'm not really thinking about it that much.
1811%
1812@Tommytoughstuff: *Ronald wipes the tears and makeup from his eyes as he digs yet another grave.*  The secret sauce will be a secret at least one more day.
1813%
1814@logibear2: I don't know much about rap but I have weed and 9 credits in English Lit so yeah I'll listen to Drake's new album and share my thoughts
1815%
1816@robwhisman: what idiot called it shady records instead of marshall artists
1817%
1818@dril: bury my heart at wounded knee's Hard Rock Cafe franchise
1819%
1820@bransonbranson: SodaDawg wants to chat. SodaDawg is a criminal. You want to chat with SodaDawg.
1821%
1822@SexCarl: did you know that there are grown ass men going around saying their name is "Dick" lmao
1823%
1824@crushingbort: "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle," said Jesus, reaching for the nachos, "than for Eli to pass to his own team"
1825%
1826@michael_raphone: "To be perfectly Frank" - Frank, talking about his life goals.
1827%
1828@michael_raphone: "You have to look at the big picture" - Aggressive museum guard
1829%
1830@BAKKOOONN: i am surprised the tv show ended up being stupid and bad again, as are the rest of the men in my eunuch collective
1831%
1832@wettbutt: ive made a remix that puts anna karenina together with war and peace. its called War and Peace & Family. i also screwed it so its 8000 pages
1833%
1834@BuckyIsotope: Wile E Coyote steps out onto the road and sees a pile of blood and blue feathers. A truck did what he never could. He sighs and sits down.
1835%
1836@famouscrab: son on a scale of 1 - 100 how interesetd are you to watching me rollerblade of the roof 1 being very interested and 100 being very intersted
1837%
1838@famouscrab: if you dont stand for something you will fall for anything - i yell at the kfc sign
1839%
1840@ceejoyner: We've replaced Brenda's pommel horse with a real horse, let's see if she notices... this is magnificent.
1841%
1842@BAKKOOONN: how many baked potatoes will i eat today?
1843
1844how many stars are in the sky, wolf child
1845%
1846@humanbeings: hey, hogwarts, you know who else sorted people after they got off a train?
1847%
1848@robwhisman: i'm fat but at least i'm not "my facebook profile picture is a pokemon" fat
1849%
1850@wolfpupy: sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now
1851%
1852@apostrophebeats: Bunsen Honeydew shuts the lights on his lab. It's been lonely without Beaker. Sometimes he can still hear his dying words: "Meep, meep meep"
1853%
1854@wettbutt: if al songs were like Under the bridge by the chili dudes, ringo would just go, Yeellow law daw daw sub marine, Sub yeah marina hey yeah eah
1855%
1856@extranapkins: Pronouncing it "foist woyld" because of your ridiculous over-the-top Three Stooges-esque Brooklyn accent #FirstWorldProblems
1857%
1858@50cent: I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit
1859%
1860@buttplanet: Wilbur awoke to find a new message woven into Charlotte's Web. "I defend laissez-faire capitalism using Ayn Rand's Objectivism."
1861%
1862@spaceship_earth: *uses a moebius strip to symbolizew my brands commitment to core values and fresh approaches
1863%
1864@stuartcraig: But the gluten ate my homework!
1865%
1866@collatingbones: Dude i could never be muslim. i love my corvette too much. what..? oh word? thought they had a thing about cars. i guess i could do it then
1867%
1868@wettbutt: u know what they say. One man's trash, is always that guy's. it can only belong to one man. thats the law of garbage
1869%
1870@neonwario: So I said, "Yeah you can use Papyrus... If you don't give a shit about kerning!" and we've been together ever since
1871%
1872@brendohare: The over-sexualization of M&Ms in the media is bad for M&M Minis
1873%
1874@anna_train: Iran calling the White House over & over but they can't get through because Biden has installed dial up and will not stop playing Runescape.
1875%
1876@moshekasher: Guys, I think it might have been Walt who was "breaking bad" this whole time.
1877%
1878@NightValeRadio: Let me be clear. Let me be literally clear. Let me be entirely unseeable.
1879%
1880@dril: the absolute best place to hide your nudes is in a file folder on your desktop labelled "Clothes"
1881%
1882@wettbutt: have fun finding another roommate who knows all the chords to the Friends theme
1883%
1884@BevisSimpson: i hate when my parents call GTA "that game where you kill prostitutes". you can actually kill a fairly sick variety of people in the game
1885%
1886@AceMakesWords: Dang girl are you a meme because you haven't matured at all over the years but you're really popular on Facebook
1887%
1888@rad_milk: i have a really good memory despite all those Not Remembering drugs i always forget to try to take
1889%
1890@extranapkins: Ever since I got this high paid IT job + my beautiful model wife+ hdtvs streaming ASMR vids 24/7 I've noticed that capitalism is really good
1891%
1892@MindyFurano: my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
1893%
1894@collatingbones: [in the club yelling to a babe over thumping house music] THERE'S A BIG COFFEE STAIN ON MY SHIRT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THIS DIM LIGHTING
1895%
1896@IamEnidColeslaw: if you watch Titanic backwards it's about an ice man who leaves his ocean home to repair a ship & fuck a girl
1897%
1898@nice_mustard: the cutie is coming from INSIDE the deathcab
1899%
1900@tnylgn: When someone asks if you want to play a board game they're really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes.
1901%
1902@bedbugs99: Both My Dads were Millennials: How the Roflcopter Seriously, Literally Crashed into My Adolescence
1903
1904       by: Smooches Presley-Taylor
1905%
1906@wettbutt: suspect is armed, dangerous, and will not listen to reason, unless that reason is Hoobastank's "the reason"
1907%
1908@JulianGoldstein: BARK
1909
1910what Lassie?
1911
1912BARK BARK
1913
1914i'm a what? a statusquo Orwellian proletariat conformist?
1915
1916BARK BARK BARK
1917
1918no I won't take you to whole foods
1919%
1920@neonwario: Yeah, I like to think I'm pretty well informed. For example, my news bookmark, which I never click on, is Al Jazeera, not CNN.
1921%
1922@weedguy420boner: There's a 4 hour wait for a table? Maybe my friend Grover Cleveland can change your mind *slides u a 3'x4' presidential portrait*
1923%
1924@UtilityLimb: there's more than one way to skin a cat ;) whole lot more ways ;) some you learn by accident while petting someone's cat ;) i'm really sorry
1925%
1926@UtilityLimb: goofus achieves wonders like instantaneous global communication and interplanetary travel but remains governed by his own decay. gallant too
1927%
1928@UtilityLimb: cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong
1929%
1930@pharmasean: You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
1931%
1932@fart: the first prototype for gogurt had to have been a bunch of yogurt in a tied-off condom
1933%
1934@degg: attention everybody!!
1935the guy who scored a touchdown is on my fantasy team.
1936this is good for my fantasy team. started him in my work league
1937%
1938@SamuelMoen: Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
1939%
1940@dril: muscle economy, muscles as currency, end the dollar, get ripped, get rich pumping weights, weatlh = body size, predicted by Blaise Pascal
1941%
1942@wettbutt: Twitter ladies, please stop sending me marvin gaye's sexual healing. its already always on inside my ford pinto
1943%
1944@crushingbort: this guy on ESPN is holding up a sign with a football and shouting "one" and holding up his finger. I don't get it, what is he trying to say
1945%
1946@crushingbort: "Next stop," shouts the conductor, "420th St!" The train erupts in cheers of "heck yes" and "I get this" as we zoom off to our watery graves
1947%
1948@electrolemon: [begins descending a giant beanstalk hurriedly] THEY DEFINITELY ARE GIANTS
1949%
1950@wettbutt: Steve albini here. Notice album title, yea, songs about fucking, ive had that shit and it was good for sure. i know my way around the sheets
1951%
1952@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
1953%
1954@collatingbones: let me smoke you out. let me get you really high and make you watch different colored beverages slide off my stain resistant dockers
1955%
1956@rad_milk: [ok theyre almost done makin my 6 foot party sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub] "im gonna fuck the sub"
1957%
1958@Mobute: Yeah, I'm lying on the couch eating roasted green beans from a cold baking pan on my chest. I am the living embodiment of your desire.
1959%
1960@DVSblast: Dog Whisperer is fucking ripoff. ANYONE can whisper "doooooogs", or ANY word they know.
1961%
1962@BronzeHammer: my personal e-mail? uh well. ok. it's bonerhound@gmail. thats "b" as in "big boner", "o" as in "oh shit what a boner", "n" as in nice boner,
1963%
1964@BAKKOOONN: the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
1965%
1966@TheNardvark: Carries guitar case into party *GROANS*
1967
1968Opens case—it’s full of Tostitos *CHEERS*
1969
1970They eat the chips and uncover a ukulele case *SCREAMS*
1971%
1972@911VICTIM: (in batman voice) Wares my ipod
1973%
1974@partiepig: "choose your weapon"
1975"i choose pikachu"
1976"literally you can choose a gun"
1977"pikachu use growl"
1978%
1979@dril: The Bible Is Fake.  oh. what's that?  you're holding a physical copy of the bible, you say?  hm, looks legit.  The Bible Is Real, Then
1980%
1981@drewtoothpaste: Was just using my laptop as a flashlight to tell which Jelly Belly I got and remembered a billion people don't have access to clean water
1982%
1983@thatsnotkosher: "But Yogi, that's NSA director Keith Alexander's pic-a-nic basket, you can't steal that!" "I'm uh morally justified in doin' so, boo-boo"
1984%
1985@rachelmillman: Your Honor, I would appreciate if the defense would hop off my dick here
1986%
1987@Ennui_Raver: Hi Yes I was wondering which of these IPAs you sell would pair best with eating an entire Dominos pizza shirtless in a public park by myself
1988%
1989@sad_turd: MULDER: scully im beleive in alein
1990SCULLY: no
1991MULDER: alein exst
1992SCULLY: no
1993%
1994@rrrunk: Can I still call it a TED "Talk" if all I did was silently perform one hundred pelvic thrusts, each more powerful that the one before?
1995%
1996@bransonbranson: Chris Angel has turned into a duck and he won't stop swimming around in my pool. I know it is you Chris. Here is some bread.
1997%
1998@lanyardigan: Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.
1999%
2000@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
2001%
2002@tnylgn: My dentist's dick is now the mayor of my shoulder on foursquare.
2003%
2004@doctorveritas: "It's-a me. Mario," he says to Peach. Her elderly eyes don't recognize him. Alzheimer's has done what Bowser couldn't.
2005%
2006@rigamarock: @ahuj9 here's my advice. be born rich. also, if you can manage it, white and male. it worked for me.
2007%
2008@electrolemon: BARELY LEGAL LESBIANS XXX (90min): watch as two thirty-year-old women exchange their wedding vows just inside the Vermont state border
2009%
2010@BAKKOOONN: bunch of red faced white dudes yelling in a room, on the whiteboard is "OB______" and underneath is UNGLER, ORTION, AMMUNIST, LACULA, ABY
2011%
2012@COMPUTER_KID: data...... i need more data. i`m hungry as hell for as much data as i can collect
2013%
2014@briangaar: If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox
2015%
2016@hamsandcastle: Never have I ever...Done 9/11 *ex presidents all glare at Bush as he drinks*
2017%
2018@cakemittens: If God isn't real why is "atheist" an anagram for "eat shit"? #checkmate
2019%
2020@wettbutt: constantly saying "let me give it the ol college try" while you are at college will get you laid so often you will develop pneumonia
2021%
2022@Z_A_Kline: @DuncanIdunno 
2023WAKE UP! 
2024(wake up)
2025sheeplesheeplesheeplesheeplesheeple
2026Bush flew the planes into the towers
2027(he wanted to)
2028%
2029@NightValeRadio: I can't believe it's not butter. It's not even close. That's actually a black widow spider. I can't believe you marketed that as butter.
2030%
2031@fart: here is a joke i thought of while asleep. it is bad.
2032q: where should u go if u aren't ready to be a mummy
2033
2034a: planned pyramid
2035%
2036@wettbutt: hi. welcome to Tim's Trousers, where it is always our "measure" to "pleat" you hahaha. i'm tim and i miss my wife
2037%
2038@briangaar: Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from "he's a dog" to a 70
2039%
2040@wettbutt: sorry that i only married you because TV Land paid me to marry a woman and say we were going to TV Land for our honeymoon
2041%
2042@neonwario: "Hmm... SOunds like Dunning-Kruger, mixed with a touch of Sunk Cost Fallacy,", I post on the forums, from my high chair
2043%
2044@experienceBij: experience unprecedented and previously unimaginable levels of bij
2045%
2046@experienceBij: Bij returns four-fold, infinite, expansive, vast, boundless, cosmic, godlike, universal bij.
2047%
2048@leyawn: instead of watching the thanksgiving day parade me and my entire extended family are gathered around a rock chanting "we dont even own a tv"
2049%
2050@neonwario: I'm smart....
2051       ....But I also pronounce hors d'oeuvres as Horse Durves
2052%
2053@fart: dude have you been to hawaii? your multiple window decals make it look like you've been there. just checking because it looks like you've be
2054%
2055@_Hermit_Thrush_: You can tell it's me and the rowdy bows bowling because the frame says 
2056
2057ASS
2058POO
2059BUT
2060DIK
2061%
2062@ahuj9: Oh, it’s a turkey, but its’s stuffed with money! Haha very clever!! (god I hate Thanksgiving at Banksy’s)
2063%
2064@bridger_w: I'm just going to say it: You embarrassed me at the scrapbook and stamping expo
2065%
2066@LisaGoodwin1: Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron
2067%
2068@bransonbranson: when my friends ask me (slightly annoying task), first i'm like (animated gif) then i'm like (different animated gif)
2069%
2070@sskylark: Separated from my young daughter in a large crowd, never saw her again. My least chillax Warped Tour experience
2071%
2072@HealthySphinx: hey babe. how about we head back to my place. i got a two dollar bill we can look at
2073%
2074@collatingbones: please slash my throat so my sons can watch their father die with honor. only joking. just a trim today
2075%
2076@filth_waste: lmao look at this idiot who turned around when i yelled "hey idiot". what's up idiot how's ur wedding ceremony going u  look beautiful.
2077%
2078@ConorTripler: *sprints through the airport to catch girl just before she boards a plane to paris*
2079sarah! sarah, listen. im gay lol
2080%
2081@woodmuffin: No one texts like Gaston No one tweets like Gaston No one holds down control-alt-delete like Gaston
2082%
2083@sad_turd: whats good in the hood bro lol [hooded man beckons me closer, closer. "peer into the hood"] my god [poverty & social inequality in the hood]
2084%
2085@Perfect_Beanis: in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
2086%
2087@dril: A GATHERING OF MISCHIEVOUS IMPS FIRE UP THE NINTENDO 64 AND RUN MARIO UP THE ENDLESS STAIRCASE FOR 1 HR
2088%
2089@KarenKilgariff: FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
2090%
2091@rudetanks: Regret everything, dance like your ex is watching, love like you're forced to, eat like it tastes bad, pray like you know no ones listening
2092%
2093@KeetPotato: If you fuck up at work today, keep in mind in 1987, someone decided "Ken" was a good name for a Street Fighter character
2094%
2095@a_girl_irl: *shoots 400 grenades at a deer licking dew from the tall grasses* hunting is so pure and serene
2096%
2097@Tormny_Pickeals: mushroom kingdom is ruled by a HUMAN princess. her hat that looks like a toadstool isnt fooling anyone.no wonder some mushrooms turned rebel
2098%
2099@leyawn: dude you gotta check out this food companys twitter account. Yea, the food talks like a real person. its not like other food
2100%
2101@briangaar: Girl are you that one light switch in the bathroom with tape on it because I'm frightened yet intrigued by you
2102%
2103@Tormny_Pickeals: glad the athlete on my fave team said hed just take it one game at a time.was worried hed try to take it 3-4games at a time which is bad
2104%
2105@boring_as_heck: [19 pics that will restore yr faith in humanity] nice [17 pics that will destroy yr faith in humanity] nooo [clicks the first one again] yay
2106%
2107@Mobute: ｡★*ﾟﾟ*★∵★*ﾟﾟ*★｡
2108☆ﾟ　　 ﾟ☆ﾟ　    ﾟ☆
2109★*  ANHEDONIA *★  
2110  *★｡               ｡★* 
2111     ∵☆｡　　 ｡☆∵
2112        ﾟ*★｡｡★*  ﾟ　　 
2113        　ﾟ*☆* ﾟ
2114%
2115@borbison: So sad. I just watched a 2 year old try to swipe a magazine like an iPad and then get run over by a bus.
2116%
2117@IamEnidColeslaw: all the animals in "Homeward Bound" are dead
2118%
2119@boring_as_heck: don't own the president... don't own the president... [goes to shake his hand but then whips my hand back and runs it through my hair] fuck
2120%
2121@leyawn: wanna put my tender heart in a blender, learned some big words so ill use em now oblivion, rendezvous, those are words i used
2122%
2123@briangaar: Got fired from the ice block factory just because I'm good at karate
2124%
2125@UNTRESOR: whenever i see someone leaving the liquor store in their pajamas, i always hand them a card with 'www.twitter.com' on it.
2126%
2127@collatingbones: 2003: check it out. my phone folds in half
21282008: my phone doesnt fold. this is whats good now.
21292018: watch this. my phone folds. i love it
2130%
2131@collatingbones: "Drone bad"... what's a drone... a robot. Bot is bad... Botta bad... A bot... Abbottabad! He's in Abbottabad! We move out at zero dark 30
2132%
2133@BevisSimpson: Kiedis was inspired to write the lyrics for Under the Bridge when he was driving and noticed a bridge [1].
2134%
2135@pattymo: "Uhh, Peter Griffin in a sombrero or whatever. Fuck you" - the pitch for Seth MacFarlane's 2014 breakout hit "Bordertown"
2136%
2137@myDUIproblem: ah. Sports Authority. my two least favorite things in one store
2138%
2139@rad_milk: "i fucked my bicycle and now i have the deadly AIDS virus" - people on obamacare
2140%
2141@CornOnTheGoblin: Welcome to Sarcastic Club
2142Im sooo happy to see you all
2143Anyone know the 1st rule?
2144"Be less sarcastic?"
2145Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
2146%
2147@laurenlaborde: Worst thing about planes: I couldn’t immediately text everyone to say a guy in front of me had “pussy on my mind” written in his notes app.
2148%
2149@dubstep4dads: hey pigpen how come you always smell bad?
2150"hmm i dont know charlie brown how come you're 8 years old and already fucking bald"
2151%
2152@nice_mustard: wile e. coyote raises his black & smoldering head. still alive. he throws the ACME shotgun across the room and begins to weep
2153%
2154@leyawn: Guy Fawkes?? uhhh yea ok nice not made up name mine is Dude Ivehadsex
2155%
2156@jonbruh: *snaps out of 11 year trance* more like bad charlotte
2157%
2158@boring_as_heck: I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex. 
2159"That's not a category."
2160Yes, that's right. 
2161"That's not a category."
2162I chose that, yes.
2163%
2164@chuchugoogoo: "What you in for?" "I kissed some cops in Knoxville" "You're the Tennessee Cop Kisser?!" "I ain't proud of what I done" *leans in for kiss*
2165%
2166@Tormny_Pickeals: "how do u feel after hittin that game-winnin home-run?" IT'S A WELCOME DISTRACTION FROM THE CONTINUAL TERROR OF KNOWING DEATH IS INEVITABLE
2167%
2168@neonwario: The phrase "Cool as a cucumber" rose into prominence because cool is an ideal temperature for storing and serving cucumbers. (Greene, et al,
2169%
2170@rogerclark: UHm no. I could buy 300 McDoubles for the price of this thing. And in the time ive spent in this Jo-Ann Fabrics i couldve eaten 18 McDoubles
2171%
2172@rev_null: In ruby, you don't ask where the bathroom is, you just redefine it to be wherever you are and then shit all over everything.
2173%
2174@craigslistlove: By the time Im done jackhammering her butthole with my boner, Ill just leave and say Ill be right back,But instead Ill be enjoying an omelet
2175%
2176@robdelaney: "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
2177%
2178@meganamram: I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)!
2179%
2180@OhLookBirdies: "BUT SHE'S A FAKE GAMER GIRL!" I scream as they drag me away in a straitjacket. Behind me, the lizard man in the gamer girl suit grins.
2181%
2182@Roger_Burton: 911 what is your emergency? "how the fuck is mr krabs pearls dad" I don't know sir that's pretty fucked up
2183%
2184@Tormny_Pickeals: son, there are no monsters under ur bed. there is no monster except the monster within, the monster inside us all. have a good night ...son
2185%
2186@electrolemon: 1. Buy 80 Taken DVDs. 2. Stack them next to woman. 3. "Is this seat Taken?" 4. Call your bank. "Why would I buy 80 Taken DVDs," you'll say.
2187%
2188@rad_milk: Hi Welcome To The Jeans Store May I Help You [i pull off my mask and im jared, from subway] yes the biggest jeans available please
2189%
2190@wettbutt: HAAAEEvaaaaaan fluuoooowwooww..im the guy in pearl jam yeaah eaaah. Hoo hee doonoooohhhhhohhhh..im the guy pearl jam guy all Day ay yeah-ah
2191%
2192@KingRainhead: i came here to network with moguls
2193%
2194@dril: the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle
2195%
2196@wettbutt: wow..easily hacked this bus wi fi pass. its Wheelsonthebus123. as always. pathetic
2197%
2198@Jamie1947: "Another day, another dollar"
2199-Men
2200
2201"Another day, another 77 cents"
2202-Women
2203%
2204@maxlavergne: Mumford designed his sons to interlock into 1 larger, stronger mumford should he die before his work is complete
2205%
2206@newupdate: Let's pretend that booty is a small indigenous village and I'm 18th century western colonialism.
2207%
2208@collatingbones: It's gonna be some Starcraft 2, next level Metal Gear Solid shit, like for real (mr kerry your lapel mic is on) ...committed to human rights
2209%
2210@wettbutt: Daniel Eagle: For Hotel California we were staying in hotels a lot, cause of rock music touring. and we realized.. what if a hotel was Scary
2211%
2212@collatingbones: 4.21/5
2213Classic American adjunct lager. Strong notes of doritos and champagne.
2214%
2215@ieatanddrink: Dating tip:
2216Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you
2217%
2218@aeon_daimyo: damn girl are you david bowie because i'm having a hard time figuring out if i'm physically attracted to you
2219%
2220@Ulillillysses: Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas)
2221%
2222@DinkMagic: Get married? Sure as soon as theres a woman thats a) a truck b) Bacon c) its a Ford D) theres tits on the side of the truck E) sports or w/e
2223%
2224@dril: looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo
2225%
2226@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
2227God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
2228Me: oh
2229God: *nods solemnly*
2230%
2231@Travis_Hood: you can't call them "sneakers" if they light up. your stealth capabilities are severely compromised. fucking idiot 8 year old
2232%
2233@lydiaclare: a gloryhole but for petting anonymous dog
2234%
2235@HelloCullen: On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there
2236%
2237@bobby: Next time you have a new person in your office, play nothing but Incubus & get everyone else to act like it's normal and they're into it.
2238%
2239@dril: @wikileaks "harpo" from harpo productIons is oprah spelled backwards. bam. welcome to the matrix
2240%
2241@boring_as_heck: world chess federation refuses to recognize my admittedly unorthodox "rub the king & queen together and pretend they're having sex" strategy
2242%
2243@jonnysun: *dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
2244"ROAR"
2245whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
2246"GROWL"
2247hmm
2248"SHOUT"
2249hmmm
2250"YELL"
2251hmmmmm
2252"HOLLER"
2253oh its a thesaurus
2254%
2255@kcgreenn: Watch the throne *a duck lands on the throne* I told you to watch it!! Now a duck is our king!!
2256%
2257@dril: if that lawyer didnt want his wall punched, he shouldnt have told me my uncle left me a sony walkman filled with cut up bugs in his will
2258%
2259@weedguy420boner: why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
2260%
2261@dril: setting up your own yahoo account is easy! you just click here, and he.. oh no.  i just sent 60,000 pictures of my ass to my boss's daughter
2262%
2263@Secks_man: construction worker chased me down for singing ushers climax in my car. he said it was beautiful & i held him as he cried. i kissed him too
2264%
2265@dogboner: yea ok lemme just BING that, tv *does the jack off motion while pretending to go down stairs behind couch* *jacks off for real behind there*
2266%
2267@respected_loner: nice bass guitar, dork. it doesn't even look like a bass. it looks like a fuckin piano. oh it is a piano? way to prove my point
2268%
2269@dril: i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things
2270%
2271@logibear2: Just tackled my neighbour as he put out his garbage. Are you ready for some fucking football
2272%
2273@Tormny_Pickeals: #PerksOfDatingMe im descending into inevitable entropic decay slightly slower than many others cuz i do squats at club firtness
2274%
2275@dril: i will never apologize for being wild about apps and upgrades
2276%
2277@famouscrab: hi briney spears can u pls signed this book for my daughter? her name is um.. david? can i also please have a hug i will pass it onto her :3
2278%
2279@wettbutt: colleges are basically gardens for sculptures of lions and old guys and then they decided to add classes & talking as a formality
2280%
2281@collatingbones: If a girl breaks up with you and you respond by nonchalantly saying "well that's a spicy meatball" she will almost always reconsider
2282%
2283@neonwario: when I was a kid, I would write "DEBT" in the moisture of my dad's car window, to remind passersby of their huge debts. Like the commercials
2284%
2285@mccv: If you're waiting in a line for GTA5 how much have you really learned from GTA?
2286%
2287@dril: a cool prank is to convince someone to join the Armed Forces and watch them get spooked by guns & missiles in exchange for hollow gratitude
2288%
2289@rogerclark: old man next to me on the plane just caught me typing the words “old man next to me” into twitter
2290%
2291@lordbeef: "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - new york's most hated cab driver
2292%
2293@boring_as_heck: NBC's Sunday Night Football: Monday Night Football on Sunday Night Edition: Thursday Edition: On Sunday
2294%
2295@bug_deal: whoops, did I call it an iBad again? what a weird mistake to make seventeen times on the same Christmas
2296%
2297@neonwario: "... And that's one Imgur comment she'll never forget!" My toast at my daughter's wedding concludes. Everyone in attendance is visibly upset
2298%
2299@fart: yeah ok you lost your leg or whatever but now you'll get like 20% drunker
2300%
2301@DVSblast: the most coveted jewel of being WILD famous is you can name your album somethin real regular like "Nice Times" or "Water"
2302%
2303@neonwario: parents thought i was autistic because i forgot the word "them" when filling out a school workbook so i kept saying "all of the ones"
2304%
2305@johnfreiler: ok but what if the ghostbusters zapped the holy ghost, wouldn't god be mad? huh? no i don't have a confession it's a real question
2306%
2307@Tormny_Pickeals: if only there was, like, a historical precedent for why bombing mideast country is bad. but the thign is.. everytim we did it. it was good
2308%
2309@nice_mustard: SUP HUMAN FEMALE. I AM A DESIRABLE MATE. CORRECT NUMBER OF DICKS, SMOOTH NON-SCALY BUTTOCKS, ZERO VISIBLE TENTACLES, REPEAT ZERO VISIBLE TEN
2310%
2311@bub__bub: I don't see race. I don't see gender. Hell I can barely see anything I'm wearing 6 pairs of shades and its night time
2312%
2313@dril: two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks
2314"I just attained oneness with all living beings"
2315"I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam"
2316%
2317@Eatingmeals: One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all "Holy shit these people have families"
2318%
2319@asimplesean: Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
2320%
2321@8bitf0x: haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?
2322
2323"a chair haha duh, nice try mo—
2324
2325it's your dog. spot's dead billy
2326%
2327@nice_mustard: don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday
2328%
2329@skullmandible: is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
2330%
2331@famouscrab: theres no crying in baseball but this bird sitting on the fence is so pretty i think we will make and exception
2332%
2333@DVSblast: Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper?
2334%
2335@dril: I'm Sgt. General James Bond. My mission is to collect guns and gather intel on the unimaginably fucked up drugs known as Cocaine & Marijuana
2336%
2337@neonwario: "hey buddy, we didn't pay to see 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Short'" <-- sick own i used in the theatre in 2011
2338%
2339@animal_drums_: If you do a robbery and the money is fluttering in your wake as you speed off, slow down. You're not that rich, you just resorted to robbery
2340%
2341@neonwario: pilgrim lookin puritan ass plymouth rock motherfucker
2342%
2343@animal_drums_: First they came for the Jews and some guy was like "Oh so you only come for Jews? why not the Christians?" Then they came for the christians
2344%
2345@animal_drums_: Next on TLC, you'll never believe what happens when we get the world's most peaceful monk to take a huge bite of the world's hottest pepper.
2346%
2347@Ennui_Raver: the taller the beer, the harder they... uhh.. the beer is very tall
2348%
2349@murrman5: Résumé? It's just a list of bands you like. 
2350"So no job?"
2351No...and by the way it's Phil, not Fill Collins
2352"Thanks. I will update my resume."
2353%
2354@wheatretard: My father Harold Netflix started this company because he had a dream that no unemployed man would have to wake before 3 to see latex aliens
2355%
2356@freecialis: I've stunned yet another 3rd grade class with my lecture "Coca-Cola Used to Have Cocaine In It." just a day in the life of The Cool Teacher
2357%
2358@danklein_is_fat: You know when you say something funny but your friend doesn't laugh? You might feel better if you shoot them with a gun and they die.
2359%
2360@mallelis: never forget roald dahl's idea of a happy ending was a kid turning into a mouse & being super stoked to realize he'll die with his grandma
2361%
2362@hermaph: *whisper to guy at urinal* That stream should be on justin.tv lol *whisper to guy at next urinal* Wow that stream should be on justin.tv
2363%
2364@BevisSimpson: Are those cum stains on my cargo shorts or just misleading shadows??? Good luck figuring it out as I speedwalk past you at incredible pace
2365%
2366@COMPUTER_KID: Some men just want to watch the world burn *opens a beer*
2367%
2368@animal_drums_: A late entry to the hot dog eating contest, It's Mike with a dump truck full of hot dog wrappers, and we have to assume he ate all the dogs.
2369%
2370@ElleOhHell: Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?
2371%
2372@ahuj9: These are my three kids: my oldest son Bush, my daughter Did, and my youngest daughter Cassandra. She was from my wife’s last marriage.
2373%
2374@11protons: The sweats say I've given up. The Nike logo says "but not entirely."
2375%
2376@promissory_boat: i'd like to introduce my sons, kevin and second kevin
2377
2378*a child and an incredibly pissed off child step out from behind me*
2379%
2380@shatbit: "Is this the burn ward?"
2381"Yes can I help you?"
2382"You need to admit my mom, I told her that her casserole was ass-erole."
2383"Stop calling here."
2384%
2385@ProfBoomHatch: Pokémon Red (Gameboy Colour, 1998):
2386A fatherless ten year old leaves home and finds out the only way to gain respect is to fight strangers
2387%
2388@Ennui_Raver: @MuscularSon 10-4 sad dad Im lying shirtless on the roof of my trailer snapchatting myself balancing a pizza box on my sizeable gut over
2389%
2390@mikesacco: rose stems are green
2391kind of like hemp
2392we all know steel beams
2393wouldn't melt at that temp
2394%
2395@conner_omalley: "I'm super into guys who get pissed off at xbox video games and smash the controllers on the ground, it's really hot." All women
2396%
2397@neonwario: my resume says both "attention to detail" and "junion financial analyst"
2398%
2399@ideaot: British Man and Normal Person Conversation
2400
2401British Man: Oi! M8 m8 m8 sherlock m8!
2402Normal Person: Good, how are you?
2403%
2404@dogboner: the guy who built the berlin wall must have been like "oh cool. great." when they were tearing it down
2405%
2406@doeg: My handwritten wine tasting notes:
24071: sweet, grapey, citrusy and bright 
24082: tart and sour, grapefruit
2409...
24108: idk kinda sweaty 
24119: P GOOD
2412%
2413@respected_loner: one trick is before doing something say "no whammy no whammy" to decrease the chance of there being a whammy
2414%
2415@Lovemywife3: I want to  change my username
2416%
2417@wash_cloth: TREBEK: for $800--"You are. You are--that's who!"
2418[all three contestants begin to wriggle excitedly and pant and wag their tails]
2419%
2420@UNTRESOR: Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
2421%
2422@drewtoothpaste: "I love this pen, but why did I receive it immediately? And why was it $1.00 instead of $99?" Across the room, Dan Kickstarter had an idea.
2423%
2424@ch000ch: Greetings, this is your captain speaking. Can anyone here tell me how many thousand feet are in 10 meters & help me turn off all the beeping
2425%
2426@bitcoin_txt: I informed the manager and we both come to the realization that someone has put their own QR code over top his with double sided tape. FUCK.
2427%
2428@ideaot: Girl, did it hurt when you were launched from Hell at extreme speed?
2429%
2430@dvoted_hubsand: Hi I'm Dale, I'll be your segway "instructor." Actually segways cant be instructed. They are wild beasts driven by hate. That was lesson one
2431%
2432@rad_milk: RIP to philip seymour hoffman. he was so good in twister. the game twister. he was very flexible before the rigor mortis set in
2433%
2434@fart: “more crawdads for the raw dad” -what im already planning to say at a seafood cookout in the year 2029
2435%
2436@funWindow: i came to this town with nothing but the clothes on my back. and a few suitcases full of other clothes. and this one is just shoes actually
2437%
2438@bjnovak: I come up with some of my best ideas in the shower. "Buy more soap," "need shampoo," stuff like that
2439%
2440@chuchugoogoo: finish a sentence? I can't...I can't even...I just...this, just this
2441%
2442@dril: genderman's only weakness is being told that his name contains a masculine bias
2443%
2444@animal_drums_: 1st letter from the Corinthians to St. Paul: "Fuck off paul. We do what we like. How would you like it if we sent you a letter, dick"
2445%
2446@degg: im bad news babe a true rebel biker. ive killed people... *sneezes and one of my teeth breaks off* shit oh my god hahaha
2447%
2448@animal_drums_: [driving behind salt truck, yelling out window] Why are you putting salt on the road dummy? Are you going to try to eat the road? Good luck
2449%
2450@elzw: Liking 'Pampers Latino' on Facebook is the best thing that's ever happened to me
2451%
2452@boring_as_heck: "Friendship, friendship, respect, everyone have a good clean game, friendship, Bibles, hike!" - Russell Wilson at the line of scrimmage
2453%
2454@Laser_Cat: Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.
2455%
2456@fart: my life is basically “Stan” but instead of writing to eminem i’m calling mcdonalds every day to ask if the mcrib is back
2457%
2458@DinkMagic: marty where we're going, we don't NEED friends *i say bye to my wife on my "husband night out" and then play nintendo in the car for 3 hours
2459%
2460@ieatanddrink: In high school I was known for being the guy who could urinate with parts of his body besides his penis
2461%
2462@CoreyNotKori: Picture a butterfly fluttering toward a flower, turning around suddenly, and then muttering obscenities because she left her phone at home.
2463%
2464@collatingbones: hi grampa how is things at the nursing home
2465
2466i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade
2467
2468its gay
2469%
2470@tnylgn: If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal.
2471%
2472@bransonbranson: in lieu of a musical performance at the golden globes everyone is going to watch the mythbusters fellas throw small axes into ballistics gel
2473%
2474@HankQuotes: You know, if the class of '02 really 'ruled' they wouldn't have to paint it on a rock.
2475%
2476@animal_drums_: Welcome to the Parent Teacher conference. The good news is your kid is chilling out and just generally kickin it at almost a 5th grade level
2477%
2478@animal_drums_: Not gonna bother keeping up with milk anymore. Every time I go to the store theres a new date on the jug and its the same damn milk. Im done
2479%
2480@animal_drums_: CEO of Dominos defending his product: Actually asshole, almost 7 out of 10 people prefer our pizza to eating a frisbee full of kraft singles
2481%
2482@degg: all pickup artist techniques are mediocre ripoffs of the time jeff goldblum put a drop of water on the lady scientists arm in jurassic park
2483%
2484@HJBenjamin: All my past failures have helped shaped who I am today- a really big failure
2485%
2486@collatingbones: Gold Coast Shrimp Stout
24876.3% ABV
2488
2489Little shrimps hatch and crawl up over your glass and you have to catch them. Good beer.
2490%
2491@leyawn: oh shit this guy is wearing a tshirt over his long sleeve shirt. normally a tshirt goes on first. This rebel must know something i dont know
2492%
2493@boring_as_heck: Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.
2494%
2495@wettbutt: if youre on a 1st date a cool alpha thing to say is "Yea i dunno food really all just tastes the same to me. theres no such thing as flavor"
2496%
2497@collatingbones: BOURDAIN: yea, yea, the genocide must have been rough, man. shit... so what is this, spicy beef tacos?
2498%
2499@TweTro: One day my irony filter is going to fail and i'm going to comment "What a piece of shit" on a picture of somebody's baby
2500%
2501@pushinghoops: "I'm 1/16 Cherokee" - White proverb
2502%
2503@a_girl_irl: there's a marketing dude somewhere who had to approve the exact fuckability of the girl M&M
2504%
2505@collatingbones: *Raises Glass* to social media in 2014
2506%
2507@TriciaLockwood: "Are you ready to find out what kind of fucked-up dog or cat I am," the girl Animaniac whispers to me as I lift her dress over her head
2508%
2509@SaddestTiger: if america didn't adopt the dutch word "cookie" in the early 18th century, the cookie monster might've been called the biscuit bastard today
2510%
2511@collatingbones: So whats everybody's new Years Resolution? Wrong. We're going to stop letting the customers use so many salt packets. Now get back to work
2512%
2513@boring_as_heck: Imagine if Kevin McCallister was like 5 years older in Home Alone. It would just be him jerking off for the entire movie.
2514%
2515@dril: back before the web, Content had to be delivered house to house by the content man. he worked 14 hrs a day & people tried to shoot him a lot
2516%
2517@cat_beltane: a GPS that sighs and says "NO IT'S FINE" every time you miss a turn and it has to recalculate
2518%
2519@gab1g5: when I die place a pepperoni over each eye so satan knows a true pizza connoisseur has arrived
2520%
2521@collatingbones: Dude I'm sorry about your dad... I... I know those feels man. It's very... fail. y he no continue living.
2522%
2523@johnasavoia: periods of gucci mania, followed by gucci depression
2524%
2525@piss_wizard: its 4am. im starving. i cannot sleep. i stare out of the window into the night, into the stars, into infinity. how do snails fuck
2526%
2527@MrPhetz: And good Jovi to you, sir
2528%
2529@m0mmalex: book review: to kill a mockingbird    wasnt about mockingbirds and i still don't know how to kill them not a good guide do not recommend
2530%
2531@disincentivize: Potatoes are tasty. THey make a bread out of potatoes. They should make a spaghetti out of potato. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk
2532%
2533@911VICTIM: when did mirrors stop displaying a beautiful child with hope for the future and start displaying a fat balding dude with a blank gaze
2534%
2535@michael_raphone: [Pitching coach calls the bullpen] I don't care what the people want, send in the belly-itcher
2536%
2537@michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
2538%
2539@dudehugs: do cocaine and you become robin williams. do mushrooms and everyone else becomes robin williams
2540%
2541@katienotopoulos: I came here to chew gum and raise brand awareness, and it looks like I'm all out of Trident™ Layers Wild Strawberry & Lime.
2542%
2543@katienotopoulos: Boston police interrogation: [good cop] here's some chowder. [bad cop] *throws chowder on face* you don't deserve chowder you maggot
2544%
2545@hipsterboner: I'll never forget the day I took my newborn daughter in my arms, looked her in the eyes and whispered softly "Have you seen The Wire"
2546%
2547@jdcrowley: If you think it's funny to reveal to kids that Santa isn't real, instead try telling them he did 9/11. It's WAY funnier.
2548%
2549@d2fn: if this gets 1000 RTs i will literally eat a panther
2550%
2551@meganamram: Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
2552%
2553@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
2554%
2555@fart: Bacon. Dubstep. Father of two. Freethinker. Bitcoin. Doctor Who. Zombie apocalypse survivor. Shampoo is a scam. I’m in the empire business.
2556%
2557@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
2558%
2559@tastefactory: Please, call me Maury. Mr. Povich was my father. Or was he? We'll find out after the break.
2560%
2561@craigrachel: Business idea: we will have 3 "Download" buttons but only 1 will be correct. The other 2 will be tricks or something
2562%
2563@wettbutt: US Poker Champ Comes Clean: "I Only Became Good At This So I Could Wear Sunglasses Inside"
2564%
2565@wettbutt: welcome back to physics. im your profs twin brother. he quit school after u all made fun of his tattoos. todays lesson is on quantum Manners
2566%
2567@PureDad: I remain entirely silent on the roller coaster only screaming when the ride stops and I have to return to my shitty life.
2568%
2569@jejerepy: what kind of idiots buy coins they cant even eat
2570%
2571@boring_as_heck: Every cloud has its silver lining. If 9/11 happened a day earlier, we'd have to change our "out of ten" rating system.
2572%
2573@ch000ch: *wearing a GoPro on my head* no i'm fine. just thought this date would be more extreme
2574%
2575@rad_milk: *judge bangs gavel* sir youre found not guilty under the precedents of I Can Has Legal Immunity (2008) & Y U No Dismiss My Allegation (2010)
2576%
2577@TriciaLockwood: "Stop giving away your content for free," my mom sobs on the phone. "No one will ever marry you if you give away your content for free"
2578%
2579@BromanConsul: I awake to find a note under my pillow:
2580
2581[Bush did 9/11]
2582
2583"Looks like someone got a visit from the truthfairy" a voice whispers
2584"DAD I'M 23"
2585%
2586@dril: woah. just realized the "Hungryman" logo on this can of sloppy joe is referring to me, the guy buying and eating thhe food. Insane mindfuck
2587%
2588@neonwario: SCENE: Anti-irony reprogramming center. A voice says over the PA: "Hitler Is Bad". Some shout "Hitler Is Good". I know better. I keep quiet
2589%
2590@degg: *bench presses 1000 lbs* ah shoot that workout made me hungry *eats a one milllion dollar bill*
2591%
2592@mattytalks: What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins
2593%
2594@bransonbranson: for the talent portion of this years Husky Boy Pageant i will, again, heat up a can of chili simply by laying on it for a few minutes
2595%
2596@corysnearowski: Pretty sure you should bet on the Giants this week, pal *winks, looks around* I slept with the football
2597%
2598@dril: daily reminder that i wear a suit and tie daily eeven though I have not set foot in public for over 16 years #GoodBoy #Hansdome
2599%
2600@neonwario: when they flip a coin in the movies how do they make it so that the coin lands on the right side [self.movies]
2601%
2602@swarthyvillain: on page 4 of my resume you'll see all the random suburban teens i subjected to period in front of the @ replies. they stopped being racist
2603%
2604@tastefactory: [on phone] Haha no I'm not sitting around alone on a Saturday night dude. I'm hanging with my bros...uh...Jeff Boyardee and...um...Ned Flix.
2605%
2606@Thynebear: [Jesus at the bar]
2607"Oh, I'll just have a water" 
2608*winks at camera*
2609%
2610@Thynebear: *calls into work*
2611
2612"yo boss i'm real sick"
2613
2614"you don't sound sick..."
2615
2616"ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys"
2617
2618"wow u do sound hella sick"
2619%
2620@blippoblappo: REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?
2621
2622OBAMA: What kind of question is --
2623
2624[biden grabs podium]
2625
2626BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
2627%
2628@ibogost: What Educators Can Learn From Some Dumbass Thing I Just Made Up
2629%
2630@neonwario: 1950: Woman, make me a sandwich! 
26312010: Woman, cloudsource me data analytics solutions!
26322040: 62656572206d65
2633%
2634@NightValeRadio: Would the owner of a blue Ford Focus please think about the human heart for a bit? Really mull over the precariousness of physical life.
2635%
2636@neonwario: 2000s: Everything causes cancer!
26372010s: Everything causes autism!
26382020s: Everything alerts the Spiders
26392030s: Everything causes space autism
2640%
2641@boring_as_heck: [runs in a zig-zag pattern to confuse the komodo dragon chasing me] fucking idiot haha
2642%
2643@iscoff: "Minesweeper!" — a boring person's favourite game or an angry German custodian yelling at teens who stole his broom
2644%
2645@boring_as_heck: Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma
2646%
2647@animal_drums_: Man it's so nice outside. It's nicer than a witch's tit. It's more appealing out there than if a witch cast a sexiness spell on her own boob
2648%
2649@swarthyvillain: where do i see myself in 5 years? using a slightly better iphone to fool people into thinking calvin coolidge was a diaper fetishist
2650%
2651@collatingbones: Waiter: Would you prefer a dry wine sir?
2652
2653Me (wealthy): wine is wet. you're being disingenuous. [Knocks silverware off table] pick that up.
2654%
2655@KeetPotato: How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
2656%
2657@911VICTIM: all the ppl who update facebook about local escaped pedophiles are just rival pedophiles doing it to take the heat off them
2658%
2659@DanaJGould: Traditional marriage is the union between a man and a woman arranged by their parents while they are still children in exchange for land.
2660%
2661@dril: i have moved all of my bitcoins directly into my brain for safekeeping until all this nutso crap blows over
2662%
2663@websigh: yeah i'd say poptarts are pretty good but i mostly like indietarts. i mean, i pretty much like all tarts except for rap and country
2664%
2665@animal_drums_: I invented a lot of shit but all anyone talks about is the wheel. I also thought of doing stuff really poorly out of spite  when youre mad
2666%
2667@dril: "the ancient americans had over 20 words for sandwich but only 1 word for betamax.  fucked up but real" says a future man to his crystal son
2668%
2669@swarthyvillain: cant believe taylor swift is dating FUCKMAN_DE_MADRID after he posted "i love the feet, come to spane" on her instagram
2670%
2671@i_eat_fruit: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness?
2672me: im vague
2673interviewer: can u elaborate?
2674me: yeah
2675%
2676@TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?"
2677I have to check with the Mrs!
2678[unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply]
2679No sorry I have plans
2680%
2681@dril: ME: ill take.. one Cruisp bird w/ extra bird sauce please
2682KFC CLERK: Huh?
2683ME: (gives him the Wink of Irony)
2684KFC CLERK: Ah! The Wink of Irony
2685%
2686@Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3
2687%
2688@alliewach: technically it's not even hypnotiq unless it comes from the hypnotiqúe region of France
2689%
2690@HelloCullen: Say yes to depressed
2691%
2692@DanMentos: "Grandpa what was it like before emojis?"
2693Well, we used words called adjectives
2694"That doesn't seem very 💯"
2695No, it was not very 💯 at all
2696%
2697@dril: folks the only thing higher than Cheetch & Chong—is gas prices
2698(audience goes wild, hooting,screaming; starting Great Gas Price Riot of '15)
2699%
2700@70Ceeks: You know "sea foam" is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
2701%
2702@Tormny_Pickeals: hey Dickens, were the times good or were they bad, you flip-flopping piece of garbage good-or-bad-times waffling ass motherfucker
2703%
2704@aprilmaywilson: Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.
2705%
2706@degg: i need a huge new wallet for my hundred dollars my petperks cards and my vibrator
2707%
2708@EthanGSN: @PFTCommenter I'm trying to coach my dads senior pop warner league team from the court ordered 1000 yards away
2709%
2710@MrBrendan23: @PFTCommenter I'm mixing in some shots with my beers too promote muscle confusion.
2711%
2712@PFTCommenter: How are YOU getting ready for NFL thursday? Im camped outside tilted kilt with an huge erecton and a terrible towel
2713%
2714@trumpetcake: I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
2715%
2716@SirEviscerate: Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
2717*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
2718%
2719@TriciaLockwood: Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
2720%
2721@danielralston: Meet hot married men who will explain things to you on Actually Madison.
2722%
2723@dril: soirry. i didnt know retweeting "fuck lobsterfest" would make me lose 200 followers. ive learned my lesson so feel free to follow me again
2724%
2725@dril: (pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes
2726%
2727@ldobsonhughes: Amazing - overheard at Whole Foods. "Um, I need to read the numbers on the barcode aloud to you. I don't want any lasers touching my food."
2728%
2729@Bro_Pair: PLANNED PARENTHOOD SECRET VIDEO
2730
2731"You kill infants right"
2732
2733Nurse's mouth opens, video freezes
2734
2735*Arnold Soundboard voice* Yeah, that's right
2736%
2737@robwhisman: unreal. actor posing as scared teen making toughest decision of her life gets planned parenthood clinician to fall for updog gag (video)
2738%
2739@robwhisman: you go through life thinking numbers don't get much bigger than a million. then you see two million and its like, are you fuckin kidding me
2740%
2741@DinkMagic: Hah no Sorry babe they call me skidmark because I was driving a car and turned and the tires screeched and I shit my pants from being scared
2742%
2743@DanMentos: date: So what do you do?
2744me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
2745date: Oh wow
2746fox: and a ventriloquist
2747%
2748@bobby: there is such a thing as too nice toilet paper. some of the top tier varieties are mondo thick. like wipin your ass with a damn persian rug
2749%
2750@freecialis: Thanks for calling me, an economist, to the stand in this murder trial. Everything everyone did was good because it increased their utility.
2751%
2752@DVSblast: ARE YOU A COMPANY AND YOU SUCK REAL BAD? GIMME MONEY AND I WILL FIX IT BY SAYING HIP YOUTHFUL SHIT LIKE "AYO SUCK MY DICK, ITS ME ARBY'S"
2753%
2754@neonwario: bakers use 13 as their dozen because historically they are a stupid group of dipshits
2755%
2756@animaldrumss: wow nice recital, it took you one year to learn to play that song on violin? i can go to youtube in one second and find a song by mozart.
2757%
2758@swarthyvillain: @Lowenaffchen 
2759USER: Swarthyvillain
2760BLOCK BOT LEVEL 3:
2761REASON: harasses activists who call it "Trader Joe's" instead of "Trader's Joe"
2762%
2763@ebrawley: This "adult pre-school" thing in Brooklyn makes me wish Dennis Miller was still alive. Man. I bet he'd have some real slams on that thing
2764%
2765@brendlewhat: Your resume states "Despite every precious second of life being a wondrous mystery, I'll spend it in an office, caring about Work." Hired.
2766%
2767@yunginstitution: bury me in my finest tech wearables
2768%
2769@degg: "hey baby nice tits!!"
2770christ on a bike i wish this harassment wouuld stop. im a man. and my huge cans are lamentable
2771%
2772@rad_milk: COP: ready the suspect for cross examination
2773ME: let me tell you bout a guy who was "Cross examined" he died 2000 years ago for our sins
2774%
2775@6thgrade4ever: 2044. washington dc. my hand atop the bible. 
2776CHIEF JUSTICE: ...defend the Constitution of the United States
2777ME: fuck her right in the pussy
2778%
2779@jonnysun: LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
2780
2781ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
2782%
2783@davedittell: I can't afford a subscription to Dog Fancy so I get Basic Bitch instead
2784%
2785@BMcCarthy32: the first day at a new job is always scary but thankfully I had a shower with my co-workers to look forward to and that took the edge off
2786%
2787@neonwario: The wifi password is "NoCapitals_1SpelledOut"
2788%
2789@Lowenaffchen: I live by the three S's... Sarcasm, Sriracha and Shirt that says no i will not fix your computer
2790%
2791@edyong209: Roses are red
2792Violets are blue
2793Vaccinate your kids
2794%
2795@pr0spector88: Letterman:Our next guest is.. a huge piece of shit
2796[i walk out on stage & am greeted by thundering applause][letterman spits coffee out lol]
2797%
2798@leyawn: im still permanently banned from from three different bird watching forums for photoshopping cups of dr pepper into pictures of birds
2799%
2800@HelloCullen: one time ppl were doing yoga in the park and my dog ran up and got into the same pose as them and took a shit. i gave her a whole hamburger.
2801%
2802@NightValeRadio: He died doing what he loved…letting his guard down around birds.
2803%
2804@Lowenaffchen: ME (entering hell): I hope they serve beer here
2805SATAN: did you come up with that quip yourself
2806ME: yes
2807SATAN: its really good
2808%
2809@dril: like this if youre one of the 3% of teens who remembers when music was just guys saying "my name is kid rock" over and over
2810%
2811@leyawn: i used to ride my bike and play outside with other kids. then my parents got me vaccinated. Now i post online eighteen to twenty hours a day
2812%
2813@Fauxgyptian: POLITICAL PARTY 1: WE OFFER NOTHING BEYOND THE CONTINUANCE OF OUR DECAY AS A NATION
2814POLITICAL PARTY 2: MAYBE MEDICINE IS ACTUALLY A DISEASE
2815%
2816@BevisSimpson: i dont follow hot early 20's white girls on here because im a horny creep. i follow them because i love tweets about how Kanye is good
2817%
2818@DALIAMALEK: So glad 50 shades of grey popularised 'sex' & made it accessible to the average consumer
2819%
2820@crushingbort: *effortlessly rips off bondage blindfold* did you really think this was powerful enough to stop me
2821%
2822@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
2823%
2824@weedguy420boner: Me at 16: while messy, public discourse is the only way to improve civil society
2825At 30: I wonder if I can get this nerd to say what's updog
2826%
2827@BevisSimpson: [rolls a die made of human bone that has all the different Subway sub options on each face][it comes up Tuna] so it shall be..
2828%
2829@jonahkeri: A dejected Mike McCarthy heads to Vegas, sidles up to blackjack table, spends entire night sticking on 12 against face cards.
2830%
2831@weedguy420boner: Want to feel old? The kid in the "Charlie bit my finger" video was just sent to a penal colony on Europa for trying to clone humans
2832%
2833@dril: @NancyGraceHLN my 2 year old son is drawing swastikas everywhere after seeing a toddler smoke weed on your show. thanks #Irresponsible
2834%
2835@mattmacneil: me: so you're saying i have to go back to school, starting with grade 1, all over again? 
2836
2837judge: no sir you are going to prison for life
2838%
2839@Mobute: Jason Garrett looks like the RAF major in a WWII movie who says "I know these German chaps can be reasoned with" before being shot to death.
2840%
2841@markleggett: If I lived in Gotham City, I’d steal the two roses Bruce Wayne lays down in Crime Alley every year and give them to women with big tits.
2842%
2843@neonwario: Folks if you ask me, the drink "Sex on the beach" has a name designed to be provocative. I'll just have an oatmeal with raw slivered almonds
2844%
2845@robwhisman: 26. new to tinder. recently single, though unsullied. albion sword in the pic is mine, the kimono is not
2846%
2847@dril: awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
2848%
2849@Lowenaffchen: RIP Santa. his sleigh crossed paths with a great horned owl and its beak hit his jugular vein at 120mph
2850%
2851@ariscott: Midnight mass? More like midnight ass. Because of all the food. The Christmas food. That makes my ass big. I am all alone tonight.
2852%
2853@dril: tomorrow im going to fill up on bread befoore 10am and get waterboarded by my seven identical uncles
2854%
2855@dril: #WorstDateIn5words a bunvch of blades arranged to spell out" 9/11". the worst date, in swords
2856%
2857@thenatewolf: *Orders pizza*
2858
2859What a night
2860
2861*Phone buzzes*
2862
2863And a text? Killing it
2864
2865*checks phone*
2866
2867ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
2868%
2869@dril: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like "oh tortures bad","its ineffective" fuck off
2870%
2871@dogboner: @ChuckCJohnson your hair looks like somebody put it there as a prank
2872%
2873@wettbutt: bowling would be a better game if you had to crawl down the lane and pick up the pins yourself and learn about futility and consequence
2874%
2875@dril: "Give me an App that will make me say, 'Wow'"  "Apps will help us in our lives" "An App is always just a download away" some good app quotes
2876%
2877@boring_as_heck: Wait a second, this isn't a vase at all. It's just two guys pushing their faces together. I paid $7000 for this, what the hell.
2878%
2879@boring_as_heck: MICHELE: Well Al, Jim Harbaugh says they're going to keep playing like shit in the 2nd half, instead of playing better.
2880AL: Thanks Michele.
2881%
2882@g0m: [turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later
2883%
2884@robwhisman: looking to join a new group of friends. would like to be the guy who says "well that went well" when something doesn't actually go well
2885%
2886@wettbutt: juicy j: "Inhale, exhale, go to jail, im postin bail"
2887rap genius editor: here he describes a cyberpunk city where its illegal to breathe air
2888%
2889@michaeljhudson: The only kid I knew who became a cop tried to convince me at age 12, that Lola from Space Jam was his real girlfriend.
2890%
2891@rad_milk: ok mr. Jos. A Bank if Family Size isnt "a real shirt size" then maybe you can tell me why you arent "a real bank"
2892%
2893@swarthyvillain: when my wife and i are about to hang up, we do this cute thing where we keep saying "i am literally adolf hitler" and "no I'M hitler"
2894%
2895@fart: there was a secret darpa project to attempt to build the most insufferable twitter bot and the experiment was a success: @LegoIsPlural
2896%
2897@DinkMagic: if i was mario & i had to stomp some animals to death with my feet to get my girlfriend back i dont know if i could do it
2898%
2899@swarthyvillain: Time Person of the Year is important to me. dominos makes pizza "too italian" for my taste and i'm afraid to shake my dick after i piss
2900%
2901@snakebro: Feels like a getting drunk alone in a parking lot kind of night
2902%
2903@_woodpile: me: hey bro nice Dead shirt. 
2904bro: yo, you ever hear the show from nineteen eighty se- 
2905me: you gonna buy some fuckin keef or what? 
2906Sold.
2907%
2908@degg: i texted a photo of my ass to my softball rival to curse him now he's wiffing on everything. buddy im getting a cold from that breeze lol
2909%
2910@wettbutt: my favorite rap thing is when a song starts with people getting pissed off that the song is on. Ahh shit.. Damn. It's the rap song. Fuck it
2911%
2912@jonnysun: look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
2913%
2914@bridger_w: People get so caught up thinking how deadly falling off a cliff is that they forget it's also extremely embarrassing
2915%
2916@bridger_w: Just thought of something really nice to say about my friend. I hope he dies before me so I can say it at his funeral
2917%
2918@vvvolte: if you think there's a better way to cut your hair than to blast it off with a shotgun than i don't want to hear it. and i can't
2919%
2920@crushingbort: It would be cool if instead of uncomfortable beds there were holes in the earth that you could just sleep-plummet in for eight hours
2921%
2922@jitka: My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in
2923%
2924@joshxhowie: Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
2925%
2926@dril: the blue thumnbtacks on this map indicate concentrations of high 月(luna) energy, the red ones are all the panera breads ive been banned from
2927%
2928@animaldrumss: [I get up at the end of my comedy central roast with a notebook i've been writing in the whole time and calmly refute every single insult]
2929%
2930@animaldrumss: Neil: One small step for man...
2931Houston: more like one small dick for Neil Armstrong
2932Neil: fuck you!
2933Houston: run away to the moon about it
2934%
2935@meganamram: The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing
2936%
2937@dril: to counter-act the terrible "ISIS", im starting my own group called "NICEis". what we do is give retweets & faves to the hopelessly decrepit
2938%
2939@dril: congress: it would be an honor to let you join Congress
2940me: absolutely no. it'd be a disservice to my followers to join the bastard congress
2941%
2942@DinkMagic: It's bad to tweet like god damn idiot for a restaurants money. You're supposed to do it for free because you have mental depression
2943%
2944@brendohare: This interview is over [struggles to get out of beanbag chair]
2945%
2946@EliTerry: I like when there is a full length mirror in front of a toilet because it's like, oh yeah, my human body is disgusting. Nice reminder.
2947%
2948@DanMentos: “Grandpa what was it like in the old days?"
2949Well kid, phones only had one app: Phone
2950*kid is just bawling uncontrollably*
2951%
2952@bug_deal: anyone else on here an absurdly elaborate assemblage of trillions of cells with no higher purpose and lots of urges
2953%
2954@rad_milk: INTERVIEWER: where do you see yourself in five years
2955ME: i think they should release a completely shirtless mario game on all consoles
2956%
2957@nickmullen: "feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready
2958%
2959@neonwario: Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
2960%
2961@animaldrumss: Ahh sorry, Id post a pic but my smile always looks fake, and plus I live inside an abandoned toilet factory and my teeth are yellow chiclets
2962%
2963@dogboner: love separating the wheat from the chaff. get the fuck out of here, chaff. stupid piece of shit
2964%
2965@g0m: I used to laugh at people who would run off a cliff and then stay in position until they looked down - and now, I'm one of them...
2966%
2967@HotEnoughForYa: Im on Tinder for networking. On weekends you can find me sipping coffee in the tire store waiting room
2968%
2969@UrplePingo: [at interview for a waiter job] Well, I feel that I bring a lot to the table
2970%
2971@Lowenaffchen: I used to think i was black when i was little / Trayvon got shot just for having skittles -Macklemore - Skittles (Tribute to Trayvon) (2016)
2972%
2973@tetradugenica: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in the history of the WWE, the custody of a child will be determined in a ladder match
2974%
2975@cryotuna: NORMIE: ebola is scarey
2976ME: actually [smirk] your more likely to die of cancer or heart disease
2977NORMIE: I'll take better care of myself now
2978%
2979@NicestHippo: *doesn't look up from phone*
2980I do
2981%
2982@Thynebear: *uses my one phone call in jail on a radio request*
2983%
2984@murrman5: what's on your back?
2985"a katana"
2986what?
2987"it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
2988%
2989@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
2990"Did u just propose using emojis?"
2991...
2992"Technically its called a propoji, but yes"
2993[She's already gone]
2994%
2995@BevisSimpson: Dialogue Between Gamers
2996Gamer 1: I prefer Features
2997Gamer 2: I like insanely sick graphics.
2998Gamer 1: well, at least we both hate Feminism.
2999%
3000@nice_mustard: BREAKING: NASA reveals the reason we haven't been back to the moon is Moon Spiders. "the moon is fucked up as hell," said one scientist
3001%
3002@jonnysun: this is the story of a girl /
3003who cried a river & rejuvenated the ecosystem of the area, bringimg back a natural vitalitey to the whole city
3004%
3005@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
3006Me: He didn't. But watch this.
3007[I make the doll do a backflip]
3008Judge: Holy shit lol
3009%
3010@dril: "im not owned!  im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
3011%
3012@dril: stonehenge actually sucks and i hope someone pushes those rocks the hell over real soon
3013%
3014@DinkMagic: Cant wait for the new hobbit movie so I can know the end of the 9 hour story of some guys trying to get their money from a snake or whatever
3015%
3016@BAKKOOONN: much like ortolan ( bird u eat whole with napkin over your head so god cant see your sin) daylight savings is free hour; plan accordingly
3017%
3018@bashfulcoward: Cop: what's your height
3019me: 6'1"
3020Cop: eye color?
3021me: blue
3022Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying...
3023me: what?
3024cop: shut the fuck up
3025%
3026@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you 
3027"..y..o..u..'r..e.."
3028%
3029@boring_as_heck: NANTZ: And there's the kicker warming up.
3030SIMMS: The kicker could use the practice net as a hammock if he wanted.
3031NANTZ: Thank you Phil.
3032%
3033@fart: computer, load things that are a short length of time, cross reference with baseball game
3034“this game is longer than Kim k’s first marriage”
3035%
3036@dogboner: if any of you are looking to buy an ark I noah guy. lol. Please give me something to do that isn't this website.
3037%
3038@weinerdog4life: When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
3039%
3040@crushingbort: Liquor before beer, never fear
3041Enchiladas before a date, be home before 8
3042%
3043@PaperWash: Daddy can we go to the park?!
3044
3045*looks at 12% battery*
3046
3047"No"
3048%
3049@freecialis: technically we built this city on migrant labor, but we did play rock and roll for them while they built it
3050%
3051@BevisSimpson: cool kid: that denim is washed. its NOT raw i can tell
3052Me: nah man look closer.. check it.. [he leans in and I muay thai knee his nose bone]
3053%
3054@DinkMagic: Still think there should be dude fitness classes at the Y where you all go over to a dudes yard and just tee off on a tree with bats
3055%
3056@KattWillFerrell: first it was windows 8 then it was windows 10, what's next windows 12
3057%
3058@murrman5: [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
3059"It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
3060%
3061@ch000ch: "dang. i forgot to make balls less gross. ah whatev." -god, day 7
3062%
3063@ch000ch: [being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let's see where this goes
3064%
3065@dogboner: [seamlessly transfers 13.00 from savings to checking, then back again] Jesus christ this is probably how the wolf on wall street guy felt
3066%
3067@mattytalks: My girlfriend thought my race car bed showed that I was immature, so I got a minivan bed to show her I'm serious about our future
3068%
3069@dril: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
3070ME: I agree
3071%
3072@ch000ch: hey can i use ur phone real quick
3073"sure yeah hold on a sec" [moves to mexico and begins a new life]
3074%
3075@BevisSimpson: [tries to drink some bad tasting whiskey to be cool like the guy from Mad Men][it stings my throat] fuck!! fuck this!!!! [smashes the glass]
3076%
3077@bashfulcoward: JUDGE: So Andrew, you're saying someone swiped your pants in the dark haunted house and replaced them with a pissed pair?
3078ME: yes your honor
3079%
3080@bashfulcoward: What would I do with $500? oh man... [imagines driving 20 jetskis through an indoor river inside my mansion]
3081%
3082@dril: "i think that, if every American had a math book in his hand, instead of the big gulp, we would be in a better place, of the country." -Dril
3083%
3084@michaeljhudson: buying the physical U2 album is 2014's hottest gag gift
3085%
3086@famouscrab: in the film 'home alone' you might be surprised to find it was actually the robbers who were truly home alone
3087%
3088@dril: Beat the shit out of the football.  Beat the shit out of the football.  Beat the shit out of the football. 11 43 22 36 hothothothot
3089%
3090@boring_as_heck: TREBEK: And Stefan, you have a story about a funny YouTube video?
3091ME: That's right Alex. So this guy on a bike- or, wait, no, it was an ATV,
3092%
3093@wettbutt: me: thank you mr president
3094barack obama: [in mocking dumb voice] thank you mr presindent
3095me: wow... im going to tweet about this you bastard
3096%
3097@Cheesegod69: Ho Ho Ho! It's me, Monsanto Claus. I landed here on your roof with my chemtrail sleigh to put fluoride in your water & do a false flag
3098%
3099@g0m: There are 3 kinds of people in this world: people who understand binary, people who don't, and of course Type 3
3100%
3101@dogboner: update: i am blocked by the guy in bowling for soup for claiming he died in a murphy bed
3102%
3103@PajamaBen_: when the doctor puts his stethoscope on you just softly say something nice like "oh hell yeah" to let them know they are doing a good job
3104%
3105@BevisSimpson: tomato is a fruit... [gaining power] black and white are shades, not colors.. [charges up, goes SSJ] Star Wars is Actually a Western!!!!!!!!
3106%
3107@animaldrumss: Barber: wow, your hair is really thick. 
3108Me: thanks, it's actually millions of tiny thinner hairs, it just looks like one piece
3109%
3110@dwineman: Evolution of music sales:
31111. Pay a lot
31122. Pay a little
31133. Pay anything
31144. OK fine, just pay once a month
31155. Fuck you, now you own a U2 album
3116%
3117@ahuj9: the phone. they made the phone big. like farrell’s hat
3118%
3119@fart: #DevOps The “www” in urls originally stood for Wild Wild West, as a promotion for the Will Smith film. Everyone just got used to saying it
3120%
3121@dril: koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast,
3122%
3123@jazmasta: Joke's on you, guys who drew dicks on my face at the party last night. I have a job interview at the dick face store this morning.
3124%
3125@tastefactory: Anti-depressants come in three strengths:
3126
3127- Regular strength
3128- Extra strength
3129- Furniture store
3130%
3131@cat_beltane: who can say who is wrong. stalkers posting credible death threats, or a woman who once did a kiss. perhaps the truth somewhere in the middle
3132%
3133@woodmuffin: yeah, you could say i'm the world's most inept carjacker, but i prefer to think of myself as the world's least convenient parking valet
3134%
3135@extranapkins: Wait, you're telling me this liquid will make me stupid, uncoordinated, and fat, AND it costs $5 a glass?? Yeah let me get like... 8 of them
3136%
3137@Fauxgyptian: *makes sexually suggestive reply to attractive Internet woman with thousands of followers* no one else has done this and she will like it
3138%
3139@boring_as_heck: MICHAELS: The football, of course, is the brown, lemon-shaped object.
3140COLLINSWORTH: You know, that's something a lot of people don't realize
3141%
3142@shrekpissslave:
3143ANDREWS: Al, the numbers on the field start at 10, then go up to 50, then back down again 
3144MICHAELS: Thank you Erin
3145%
3146@Shanehasabeard: MICHAELS: Kicking the ball often produces unpredictable results due to the oblong shape
3147COLLINSWORTH: That's phenomenal
3148%
3149@tarashoe: hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get
3150%
3151@SamGrittner: if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
3152%
3153@dril: cant wait until work is over so i can stop sitting in front of this monitor and sit in front og the monitor at home which is 3 inches bigger
3154%
3155@DVSblast: CONGRATS TO EVANESCENCE FOR WINNING AN EMMY FOR THE PART WHERE THEY GO "WAKE ME UP INSIDE" THEN THE DUDE GO "WAKE. ME. UP. INSIDE."
3156%
3157@TriciaLockwood: I'm blazed out of my mind and watching the muppets and all I can think about is chomping into Fozzie like a huge piece of fried chicken
3158%
3159@nickmullen: Pool rules. 
31601 just jump on in there!
3161Step 2: immediately piss as much as you can
31623 find the suction jet and put your dick in it
3163%
3164@DanMentos: "What's the deal with palm trees?"
3165What are you doing?
3166"You said do tropical humor"
3167Topical. I said topical.
3168"What's the deal with ointment"
3169%
3170@dril: i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly
3171%
3172@fart: i dont like kickstarter because "kicksharter" was my nickname in 4th grade due to an unfortunate even after i got kicked in the jeans
3173%
3174@animaldrumss: Cashier: anything to drink?
3175Me: yeah I'll have a drink at full price  [I roll my eyes, get the jug from my bag and go to the soda fountain]
3176%
3177@BronzeHammer: looking forward to science fiction film RoboCop, which depicts an alternate future in which a highly militarized police force kills at will
3178%
3179@dril: whats the job where you dress up like a michelin man and get attacked by vicious dogs. anyway thats the thing i spent $800000 at college for
3180%
3181@GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books?
3182
3183Yeah, they're in the back.
3184
3185(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
3186%
3187@biorhythmist: Sorry I commented “Nope” under your new baby pic on Facebook
3188%
3189@BronzeHammer: another day of explaining football to my wife. "why's the guy running with the ball?" hell, i don't know. maybe its his ball. leave me alone
3190%
3191@sskylark: If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
3192%
3193@wheatretard: Impressive, but your Kung Fu is powerless against just how pathetic I look and sound when I beg people not to hurt me
3194%
3195@thenatewolf: Long story short, there are a bunch of mice, snakes, mongooses, and hawks in your room. Now we need something that eats hawks.
3196%
3197@DinkMagic: Me and my friends five hour quest to get our money back from a strong lizard
3198%
3199@skullmandible: most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
3200%
3201@SpiderExpert: The most romantic proposal would be … to get married to them , hide the ring in the cake and propose to them at your wedding … I think
3202%
3203@animaldrumss: Alright grandma, computer's aaaalmost fixed, I'll just... [runs fingers up and down the keyboard like its a piano] And done. 50 bucks please
3204%
3205@DefZeppelin69: love is like when you find a movie...on redbox...that has a rotten tomato score...of not that many rotten tomatos...
3206%
3207@fart: yeah isaac newton was probably the smartest person who ever lived but he doesn't know how to find a 50yo diaper fetishist pooping on youtube
3208%
3209@boring_as_heck: (tech guy gets sent back to the 1940s) Fellas, let's "disrupt" the Führer. My new app, "Hitlr," sends mean tweets to his official account.
3210%
3211@scullymike: "521?" "542?" "555?" "573?" "586?" - Levi's brainstorming session
3212%
3213@Mike_Bianchi: Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
3214%
3215@animaldrumss: I just wanted to say that although I didn't know the deceased that well, I feel he would have wanted me to take this bouquet for my house.
3216%
3217@animaldrumss: A ticket? Maybe former president andrew jackson can change your mind... [in andrew jackson voice] Don't give Mike the ticket, hes a good kid
3218%
3219@wolfpupy: sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind, just throw a whole bunch of garbage at the wind. my point is fuck the wind
3220%
3221@ch000ch: *crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say "go dudette" or "no not yet"
3222%
3223@michaeljhudson: I don't want no Scrubs / Scrubs was a show that debuted on NBC / documenting the comical lives of two best friend guys / named Turk and JD
3224%
3225@dril: "auuahuhuh" some nerd who wears glasses probably right now
3226%
3227@animaldrumss: Imagine if they had facebook in the 1800s. [screenshot of 1800s guys posting about what it would be like if they had facebook in the 1600s]
3228%
3229@animaldrumss: the author doesn't just criticize the wealthy, he also turns his eye on the starving artists. The guy just turns his eye all over the place
3230%
3231@neonwario: Boys go to Jupiter to get even stupider? Laughable. It seems unlikely. And yet... perfectly in character for someone who's already stupid...
3232%
3233@animaldrumss: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
3234%
3235@animaldrumss: [I return home after ditching family for a failed business venture, hang up my hat] Sorry honey, suuuuuper long line at the cigarette store.
3236%
3237@extranapkins: JUDGE JUDY: and it says here you tweeted...86 times before txting back your gf
3238ME: turn off that fucking camera. Turn off the fucking camera
3239%
3240@cool_pond: With the 19,789th pick of the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hell [Zone K^22] Bonelords select... Human 9.018b, Pod B, Sector H8.220 Training Facility
3241%
3242@BevisSimpson: What's my favorite animal? [beginds to grin smugly] Human. Its technically an animal [smug grin] My favorite legume? ....... The Peanut.
3243%
3244@bIoach: all the songs on ya girl iphone is by "various artists". all her ID3 tags fucked up n she don't even care. she weak
3245%
3246@mountainlex: What idiot named it twitter and not ok stupid
3247%
3248@thecatamites: the average human eats 50 horseflies per night even if it means having to drive out to get them.
3249%
3250@rebeccawatson: "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined
3251%
3252@extranapkins: Gallant RTs Subway promotional material because he respects their strong social media brand. Goofus RTs Subway ironically
3253%
3254@DanMentos: Sweet, this webinar has an open bar *gets beer out of fridge*
3255%
3256@DanMentos: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 7 days since my last-"
3257Son, you can't do that in here.
3258"It's not smoke it's vapor"
3259%
3260@swarthyvillain: VINCE: Turtle, that's crazy! I'm sure Jews died in 9/11
3261DRAMA: he's right, baby bro. Google the Black Eagle Trust Fund
3262%
3263@BuckyIsotope: [at the White House weekly basketball game]
3264*Obama sighs*
3265We'll take Joe
3266*Biden rips off shirt*
3267WOO HOO I CALL SKINS
3268Joe we have jers-
3269SKINS
3270%
3271@ch000ch: [phone call from jail] hii honey.. dont get mad but remember when you told me not to get arrested tonight and i did the jerkoff motion
3272%
3273@6thgrade4ever: I wrote a play. the main character is MOM. mom, youll be cast as MOM. 1st act opens with you showing the audience where you hid the nintendo
3274%
3275@ItsTonyNow: in 2004 i blocked neopets on our company router & the owner, a 50 year old man, got so frustrated he sold the business within six months
3276%
3277@boring_as_heck: Next, on TLC's Lunchbox Wanters
3278
3279RON: Back off, Jim. That box is mine.
3280
3281[CUT TO INTERVIEW]
3282
3283RON: No way was I letting Jim get that lunchbox.
3284%
3285@coffinzone: Monarchist. Coder. I do not listen to music made after 1900. RT = I have printed your tweet out and shot it with a rifle
3286%
3287@Hermit_Thrush: [in hipster voice] i would never sit down for fast food but if its served from a movable truck, ill travel to the truck's location go eat it
3288%
3289@meganamram: I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
3290%
3291@g0m: person: hey g0m, [anything. literally anything. It doesn't matter]
3292me: Live like a racecar, die like a rocket.
3293person: That's fucking cool
3294%
3295@boring_as_heck: [dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
3296%
3297@meganamram: Sorry officer but if weed is legal in Amsterdam I'm pretty sure it's also legal under this putt-putt windmill
3298%
3299@mattytalks: Sir, Memorial Day supports the troops but not even the troops will get the support offered to you by this sleep number bed
3300%
3301@dril: if youre that guy who emailed me last month asking to be my "intern" come forward so me & my rich friends can smack tennis balls at your ass
3302%
3303@nice_mustard: america, my new mission is to see ALL of the boobs "joe idk-" hold on barack. i'm calling it Manifest Breastiny "dammit that's pretty good"
3304%
3305@sskylark: i love how people make fun of the holocaust then when you ask them how they would solve the jewish problem they're like uhhh
3306%
3307@scrublord: Is this real life / Is this just fantasy / Caught in a landslide / No escape from Benghazi
3308%
3309@neonwario: i love to cite irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce
3310%
3311@robwhisman: think you've got it rough? watch a little film called hotel rwanda. don cheadle had to be on set at like 5 am to film some of those scenes
3312%
3313@dubstep4dads: mom. yea get in here. ok heres my phone, take the picture right as i exhale the weed smoke. this is gonna be so rad lol
3314%
3315@dubstep4dads: can i get 30 cocktail umbrellas?
3316"sure. havin a party eh?"
3317haha.. yeah..party..
3318*montage of 30 mice flying around my livingroom w/ parasols*
3319%
3320@ConorTripler: u ever think ab how easy it was for the thomas the tank engine characters to eat ass
3321%
3322@bjnovak: This Mother's Day, give your mother the gift of broadcasting your love for her on a social media platform she doesn't understand.
3323%
3324@BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5
3325%
3326@Mobute: Michael Sam's liking to kiss dudes will tar the noble tradition of minorities giving themselves brain damage for the profit of billionaires.
3327%
3328@aDavidP: "The lyrics are 'we'll NEVER be royals.'"
3329
3330"Yeah but: ROYALS."
3331
3332"..."
3333
3334*Kansas City Royals illogically use song in stadium for eternity*
3335%
3336@ahuj9: “What’s my favorite amendment, you ask?” I repeat as I lean back in my gun chair, knocking over racks of guns like dominoes.
3337%
3338@Cheesegod69: If you punch a redditor a bunch of bitcoins fly out like when Sonic loses his rings
3339%
3340@themiltron: *whombastank
3341%
3342@unsuiii: (banging on car window of girl in parking lot putting on makeup); you don't need that. You're beautiful naturally. (Trying to open door)
3343%
3344@HouseBudgets: WIFE: I have a blog about boogie and Chinese food
3345HUSBAND: And I sell pajamas for llamas
3346WIFE: Our budget is $430K
3347%
3348@HouseBudgets: HIM: I launched a Kickstarter for smart lowboys
3349HER: And I saw a chinchilla yesterday
3350HIM: Our budget is $780K
3351%
3352@KrangTNelson: AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
3353
3354AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
3355%
3356@doctorveritas: [Jeremy Corbyn comes on stage visibly stoned]
3357CORBYN: Hello.
3358[30 second silence]
3359CORBYN: My name is Jeremy Corbyn.
3360%
3361@onlxn: fake American cities I'd joke about if I were British:
3362- Hamburgerville
3363- San Leopoldo
3364- Jerropolis
3365- Bumber
3366%
3367@dril: (trying to apologize for sending dick to 900 girls) you see the phones have a front & back camera. so taking pictures is really complicated,
3368%
3369@backhoe_mix: you, not on twitter, experiencing the world at a normal rate: did you hear about --
3370me: last week is as distant to me as the burning of Rome
3371%
3372@huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends 
3373ME: ok wow, that's a-
3374Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
3375%
3376@AnnDabromowitz: I find it kind of funny
3377I find it kind of sad
3378The dreams in which I'm dying
3379Hello Dying my name's Dad
3380%
3381@InternetHippo: [as my congressman is strangling me] I like that he’s a businessman,
3382%
3383@jephjacques: Child: do you remember when Trump touched the Orb?
3384
3385Me: Yes. None of us realized what it would-
3386
3387Orb Police: HAIL ORB
3388
3389Me & child: hail orb
3390%
3391@dril: my new shit:  "Burger king = mc donalds"
3392
3393Please let me know what you think of my new shit, and provide suggestions on how I can improve it.
3394%
3395@dril: Sword's. The only blade known to man
3396%
3397@eedrk: Me in Hell: i *like* this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atually
3398Satan [exasperated]: this guy is owning me! this guy is owning all of hell!!
3399%
3400@flashember: You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
3401
3402Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
3403%
3404@JimmyJazz1968: ME IN 2016: I have principled objections to Hillary Clinton
3405ME IN 2017: I guess it's OK if The Rock was president
3406%
3407@mammothfactory: Welcome to CrimeTown, the podcast about a town of crime
3408[twenty hours & 50 Blue Apron ads later]
3409In conclusion crime is a land of contrasts
3410%
3411@PulpPit: 2009: Why join Twitter, it's just posts about lunch. 
34122017: I am addicted to an app that shows me the opinions of the worst idiots alive.
3413%
3414@bobvulfov: [concert]
3415SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
3416CROWD: woo
3417ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
3418%
3419@mikefossey: OK first of all I'm not homo phobic. many of my most pedophilic uncles are gay
3420%
3421@kathbarbadoro: I broke a lot of hearts this weekend when I explained to a group of people that Arby's just means "roast beef" (RB) and isn't a guy's name
3422%
3423@FoodNetwerk: Need to whip up a dessert in a hurry? Dump a bag of oreos on the floor and eat the oreos off of the floor like a animal you piece of shit
3424%
3425@sincir3000: Is it bitchass, bitch-ass or bitch ass? I want this letter to my congressman to be perfect
3426%
3427@historyinflicks: Funny that you oppose socialism yet use a public library to look at porn & then get arrested for indecent exposure by publicly-funded police
3428%
3429@leyawn: SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
3430DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
3431%
3432@dril: much of bliged
3433%
3434@Bro_Pair: age 20: I'm easily going to drink every Bud Light Lime in a 30 rack to prove a point
3435
3436age 29: can movie theater popcorn make your bones hurt
3437%
3438@dril: Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
3439%
3440@unsuiii: Beautiful Tavern Girl telling her Moby Dick crew husband goodbye: Come home safe my love, do NOT fuck that whale you hear me? don't you dare
3441%
3442@parsfarce: boss: goin out tonite mate?
3443
3444me: nah few quiet ones
3445
3446[boss receives text at 5am]
3447
3448cqnt coome in yoqmorrow sick srry
3449%
3450@jackhaveitall: me in 5th grade: if i can go on the computer today thatd be neat
3451
3452me now: if im not scrolling twitter while i brush my teeth im going to die
3453%
3454@dril: (girl tells me shes sick) aahh that sucks so much. you can come over & have some of my mens one a day vitamins. probably works on girls too,
3455%
3456@robotrowboat: [spilling out of my top at Red Lobster]
3457Me: [to manager cutting me off from shrimp at Shrimpfest] No you’re a disgrace
3458%
3459@dril: fellas... you know i dont ask for much... but my fake US embassy in Ghana just got shut down and i dont know if i can make rent next month,
3460%
3461@FernieCommaAlex: All white dudes like 1, possibly 2, but never 3 of the following: Donald Trump, Run The Jewels, Alan Alda.
3462%
3463@Jarrettjack03: Yo I couldn't imagine this many women being mad at me at one time
3464%
3465@PFTCommenter: Jack Del Rio name literaly means "masterbate into a river"
3466%
3467@dril: between the gun & the blade.. throwing knives are the "Best of both worlds" when it comes to eliminating thousands of home intruders at once
3468%
3469@mikefossey: It's crazy that people pay to be trapped in a room. Like I'd pay a couple bucks NOT to be trapped in there but luckily it's already free
3470%
3471@robwhisman: if youre mad the gym is crowded now you know how we feel when we are trying to get a beer and youre at the bar just because its may 5th
3472%
3473@mikefossey: (I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going
3474%
3475@Ethan_Booker: LeBron unwrapping a Christmas present from his aunt. He sighs when he sees it's another basketball. "I know you love those," she smiles.
3476%
3477@Peckerdude: @zune I take my zune everywhere i go, it is my life. i even take it to work. I love my zune more than my computer
3478%
3479@vineyille: [CompUSA, 2001] 
3480Me: How many Korn songs can I fit on this "iPod"? 
3481Clerk: All of them.
3482I sit in an office chair and promptly fall out of it
3483%
3484@shutupmikeginn: Its that wonderful season where I call Target to ask if their world map shower curtains acknowledge Israel & get mad no matter what they say
3485%
3486@trillballins: Mike & Mike power rankings (Dec 16)
34871) Mike
34882) Mike
3489%
3490@mikefossey: Frankfurter is short for Francis Further
3491%
3492@missokistic: *wakes up and looks at phone*
3493ah let's see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device
3494%
3495@ConnorFinnegan: I'm here to kick ass and botch the punch line
3496
3497And boy are my arms tired
3498%
3499@fart: i still remember the office i would walk by with a whiteboard inside that had only the word "APPS" on it, circled. those guys are rich now
3500%
3501@fart: trump: im literally going to murder people and it will be good
3502dnc: ol' out-of-touch bernie is man spreading again. download the emoji app
3503%
3504@fart: trump: it will be illegal to be muslim or black or gay
3505dnc: watch this clip of the bazinga guy saying donald trump is like voldemort
3506%
3507@Arr: Wallace and Gromit is the world's oldest story: a stupid fucking idiot piece of shit and his long-suffering dog
3508%
3509@obleadearequipe: me: wow this sandwich is great 
3510
3511person who studied abroad in Europe 30 years ago: not as great as the one i had in Barthelona ....
3512%
3513@boring_as_heck: TRUMP'S IDEA OF LOCKER ROOM TALK: I love sex crimes.
3514ACTUAL LOCKER ROOM TALK: Jesus, that old man is using the hand dryer on his asshole.
3515%
3516@willrahn: BUSH COMPOUND, DECEMBER 2015 — 
3517
3518JEB: We must stop Trump. Any ideas?
3519
3520GWB: Nope
3521
3522GHWB: Sorry no 
3523
3524BILLY: Nope, no idea, nothing, zilch, zero
3525%
3526@PFTCommenter: In fairness to Trump most women woudnt be able to even notice a grab from such tiny hands. Just feel kindve like a spider bite or whatever
3527%
3528@billbarnwell: Crowds are weird. They cheer a fan running on the field and boo if he gets caught UNLESS he gets physically harmed, in which case they cheer
3529%
3530@dril: ME: there is a new type of beer called "Wine"
3531shirtless guy witht 104 followers: Shut the fuck up
3532ME: Yes sir
3533%
3534@adultblackmale: [shines a laser pointer directly in the pilots eyes as im getting off my flight] planes not in motion its not illegal you cant do shit bitch
3535%
3536@elijahdaniel: watched a girl take a 'broken, do not use" sign off Whole Foods sliding door, take a pic w it over her heart, then walk into the broken door
3537%
3538@i_zzzzzz: [Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy
3539%
3540@drewtoothpaste: Told my kid hamsters only understand Jamaican patois and one of them died and now shes yellin WHY YOU NAH WAKE UP LIKKLE BWOY
3541%
3542@dril: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool's Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!!
3543%
3544@netw3rk: Trump: Savage dark-skinned illegals, roaming the streets in search of murder and mayhem
3545
3546Fallon: What? WHAT? Haha, wow!
3547%
3548@plopadop: misscutie247: if i was there rite now would u make me some chicken
3549GodOfKFC: ya
3550misscutie247: is that ALL u would do? ;)
3551GodOfKFC: ya
3552%
3553@mattytalks: Apple: Remember the free headphones that worked great, what if I told you we had ones that only work for 5 hrs and cost 160 bucks
3554
3555Me: go on
3556%
3557@electrolemon: Wahlberg places the Lone Survivor DVD and steps back, eyeing his altar. Two Guns. Three Kings. Four Brothers. The ritual is almost complete.
3558%
3559@onlxn: TRUMP: "Weiner mess proves Team Hillary bunch of pervs! Meanwhile I have raped 0-3 women, the lowest possible range. Wise up skirts: TRUMP!"
3560%
3561@jessesingal: What if Anthony wins her back with an incredibly long and thoughtful stream of dick pics
3562%
3563@KenTremendous: Emperor Palpatine: Give in to the Dark Side.
3564Luke: Never!
3565@AP: Debate Over Force Arises During Meeting in Large Space Station
3566%
3567@KenTremendous: Marie Antoinette: Let them eat cake
3568People of France: That seems callous
3569@AP: Everyone Has Equally Valid Points Regarding Food Distribution
3570%
3571@dril: frowning while the entire waitstaff of California pizza kitchen sings "happy birthday" to me, looking like a lump of shit in a neckbrace
3572%
3573@vyzdoravlivay: The Lord: *giveth*
3574me: nice
3575The Lord: *taketh away*
3576me: wtf
3577%
3578@electrolemon: WERNER HERZOG: i weep for the creature. his icy hell, a tale of sisyphean addiction
3579ME: his name is scrat
3580WH: we are all the squirrel scrat
3581%
3582@BAKKOOONN: i will confess that as a child a lot of the double dare obstacles made me very anxious
3583%
3584@leyawn: *giant meteor hurtling towards earth* If we destroy it, we are no better than the meteor itself. let's hear what the meteor has to say
3585%
3586@alejandroid: how come we drive on the parkway and i got beat up at safeway
3587%
3588@aedwardslevy: THE YEAR 1952
3589eisenhower: this is my dwight song
3590nixon: no
3591eisenhower: my i like ike song
3592%
3593@dril: girls always love to telling people not to" Mansplain"
3594but they  do not care of, "Man's Pain"
3595%
3596@randygdub: trump at rnc: the rivers of blood are only the beginning 
3597hillary at dnc: ghostbusters was [squinting at teleprompter] on fleek?
3598%
3599@CornOnTheGoblin: [hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open
3600%
3601@adultblackmale: interviewer: why do you want this job?
3602me: i need money to live
3603interviewer: hmm, not a good attitude
3604me, overly cheerful: i neeed moneeey t
3605%
3606@BronzeHammer: if your dad ever does the classic bit of putting the stud finder on himself and saying "beep", please laugh at it. its all some of us have
3607%
3608@gilbertjasono: HILLARY: I hope you Pika-choose me this November!
3609TRUMP: Slobodan Milosevic had some smart ideas
3610TWITTER: Damn, these two are equally bad
3611%
3612@McLeemz: HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me "fire" up the economy
3613TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal
3614%
3615@i_zzzzzz: AIDE: [angrily tossing flashcards aside] No -- that frog sips tea. This frog rides a unicycle. For fuck's sake
3616HILLARY: Sorry. Sorry. I know
3617%
3618@BikiniBabeLover: I Lost my wife. My job. My children. Now "Body shaming clapbacks" are only things that can bring me joy anymore
3619%
3620@jimmytorosian: [God creating platypuses]
3621God: This is my best work. Yes, Karen I am high, but that has nothing to do with it. This is perfect. Send it out.
3622%
3623@ch000ch: firing squad guy: any last words
3624me: i wasn't really a fan of The Wire tbh
3625(one guy fires his rifle at me before the signal)
3626%
3627@dril: going to start asking "What do you Think?" at the end of each post, to help stimulate discourse and reap the substantial benefits of Social.
3628%
3629@dril: i refuse to consume any product that has been created by, or is claimed to have been created by, the (((Keebler Elves)))
3630%
3631@fart: there is a law that every vlog has to start with "hey guys, sorry i haven't posted a video in a while"
3632%
3633@6thgrade4ever: love when newspapers fact check trump speeches. its like using a roomba on a beach
3634%
3635@JoeMande: tonight proved once and for all that LeBron is better than Steph, Nike is better than Under Armour, & Comic Sans is better than Copperplate
3636%
3637@dril: im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm
3638%
3639@dril: ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
3640%
3641@dogboner: me: a rip. a rap. a hamilton brrrap (i start beat boxing and fucking spitting all over my shirt) 
3642everyone in america: this is insanely good
3643%
3644@fart: hey ive been meaning to tell you that your parody account is really funny. it's good. everyone loves it. good job
3645%
3646@ranjit: Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
3647%
3648@Merman_Melville: Crazy how you can say you're "pissed off" on some TV shows but you can't say "piss on me" or "hail Piss God" or "replace my blood with piss"
3649%
3650@ByYourLogic: Muhammad Ali was an outspoken anti imperialist who invented the tactic of getting a guy tired and mad so you can beat his ass
3651%
3652@dril: user named " beavis_sinatra " has been terrorizing me since 2004, by sending me pictures of cups that are too close to the edge of the table
3653%
3654@g0m: Me: When I play a game I like to be engaged in the world and consider my options carefully
3655You: The goomba blocks my path. I must destroy it
3656%
3657@fart: im becoming extremely wise..brain huge..reaching a new level of intelligence.. i will now say "Please provide a Source for this claim" a lot
3658%
3659@fart: brain.. growing in complexity every moment.. neurons firing at incredible speed... pleas Upvote this pic of my computer which i call a "rig"
3660%
3661@dril: the $100000 pyramid is actually fairly fucking cheap for a pyramid
3662%
3663@ahoybailey: "This generation can't take a joke" 
3664
3665Our entire generation laughs at fucking internet memes all day long we just don't like racist jokes
3666%
3667@fart: gotta give it up for adults who play those complicated ass board games. you know about sex and alcohol but you choose to do that shit
3668%
3669@DanMentos: John: we need a new word for foolishness
3670Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
3671John: Ok that's definitely what I'm writing down
3672%
3673@dril: ill never rinse my farm fresh vegetables. its the responsibility of the greengrocer to rinse my God damn food and if i get poisoned so be it
3674%
3675@KatyYeiser: i like it on tv shows when the detective is like 'how we doing over here' and the cop is like 'better than this guy' because the guy is dead
3676%
3677@KenTremendous: 1. Nervous
36782. Excited
36793. Nervous *and* excited
3680
3681(The three possible states of existence for Bachelor contestants)
3682%
3683@rad_milk: PAT SAJAK: ok final round. category is "Author of Goosebumps" i'll give you the letters RSTLNE
3684[RL ST_NE]
3685ME: no idea. reading is for nerds
3686%
3687@BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5
3688%
3689@Bosko_DePompo: Viking warrior ancestor appears in ghostly form: "You're eating yogurt from a tube and all your son talks about is Minecraft."
3690%
3691@GroverNorquist: None of the candidates mentioned the Obama/Democrat war on Vaping and the 10million Americans who cape.
3692Missed opportunity.
3693%
3694@neonwario: I love dearths and paucities
3695%
3696@Mejwell: you may joke but Scalia's dissent about having to take words literally regardless of context is also the plot to the beloved movie Air Bud
3697%
3698@drewtoothpaste: I once asked some programmers if they'd used the youtube API and they said "The Youtube Ape" at me for 2 months & didn't answer my question
3699%
3700@boring_as_heck: SIMMS: Jim, in my opinion, the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year.
3701%
3702@Merman_Melville: *returning Pet Sounds to the record store* I was expecting something different
3703%
3704@eedrk: to all those people that said i would never be successful: how did u accurately predict the future. please use your powers to help me
3705%
3706@eedrk: family is cool it's like having boring friends who are always mad at you
3707%
3708@eedrk: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
3709%
3710@eedrk: [struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]
3711%
3712@Bro_Pair: mom included a note in my lunch saying "I love you little man!"
3713
3714dad also included a note saying "I fucked your mom two nights ago"
3715%
3716@neonwario: Using a base-10 number system is rational, as 10 is the first two digit integer
3717%
3718@TheAnimePolice: no i dont want to do an archery contest robin hood, you win every time its not even fun. you win by a whole lot every time.
3719%
3720@murrman5: [wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
3721"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
3722we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
3723%
3724@tree_bro: I strive to be like the ant, noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me
3725%
3726@leyawn: DAWKINS: Impossible. My nose is still firmly attached to my head. You do not have my nose. You will never get my nose
3727%
3728@kalebhorton: Show Idea: I sit down with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, throw on Armageddon, and just keep going "wow, I bet all of this is true."
3729%
3730@shutupmikeginn: barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
3731%
3732@dubstep4dads: TWITTER: donald trump is a horrible person
3733
3734FACEBOOK: i like donald trump because im racist
3735
3736TUMBLR: bernie sanders choke me daddy
3737%
3738@thomas_violence: ricky gervais: i'd bloody shag the queen
3739me: thats weird
3740ricky gervais: oh you're offended? are you offended??? have i offended you????????
3741%
3742@SheaSerrano: the only NFL player position i'd ever be successful at's the guy who's in charge of telling the kick returner not to run it out the end zone
3743%
3744@bathroom: welcome to the bathroom
3745%
3746@pattymo: 2004:
3747DEAN: BYAHHHHH
3748PUBLIC: Whoa this guy's nuts
3749
37502016:
3751TRUMP: Say what you want about Hitler, but the man was organized
3752PUBLIC: Carry on
3753%
3754@rad_milk: *comments "This." when sharing a link*
3755%
3756@fart: if someone says they have swimmer's ear a good gag is to say "well you better give it back!!!!" people love it
3757%
3758@kibblesmith: Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
3759%
3760@BikiniBabeLover: Its time for us to have a national conversation to end the stigma around being,  a mental retard
3761%
3762@BikiniBabeLover: I love to reap all the benefits of living in a society
3763%
3764@BikiniBabeLover: I love to be declared dead upon arrival
3765%
3766@HelloCullen: My sex style is best described by my favorite grammar guide: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
3767%
3768@moonpolysoft: dyson is ron popeil with better marketing
3769%
3770@ColdmanHot: [Christmas]
3771
3772"NO-ONE is opening their presents until we start using their proper name! Sarah stop crying"
3773
3774"They're not "jifts" Dad"
3775%
3776@boring_as_heck: What's that Walking Dead show about? People on their damn smartphones? Listen folks, I don't want to go on a rant here, but I think (1/46)
3777%
3778@DrShenanigans: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Lightsabers would never work in real life. They certainly wouldn’t make the lightsaber noise!
3779
3780ME, IMPRESSED: Wow
3781%
3782@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
3783%
3784@dril: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin
3785%
3786@bedbugs99: Wife just saw Star Wars w/ her trainer Lucius and REFUSES to spoil plot to me💕 TY babe. I'll see it when I have time (5hrs, wow! Long film.)
3787%
3788@neckbread: "can someone explain this like i'm 5, please"
3789
3790sure: you're 5, this doesn't concern you. go poop your pants some more
3791%
3792@jdcrowley: uhhh, technically the plural is actually "Stars War" [pushes glasses so hard up my nose they shatter]
3793%
3794@HelloCullen: "No let's actually do it" -the guy who named the Cherry Poppin' Daddies
3795%
3796@pr0spector88: [runs into fefo at star bucks & she name drops another weird tweeter] Lol yea there hillarious (now under breath) shut the fucj up..
3797%
3798@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
3799%
3800@dril: (in worst human voice possible) folks rmember to click that fuckin like & subscribe button and leave a comment below in the fuckin box there
3801%
3802@fart: i bet Slash has a lot of trouble trying to tell people how to get to his website
3803%
3804@brendohare: [in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys
3805%
3806@Lubchansky: *george lucas sits down*
3807now to create characters, in space. an infinite canvas
3808*hours pass*
3809what if they were racial stereotypes from earth
3810%
3811@markpopham: "Werner! It's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Herzo-"
3812
3813HERZOG: The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.
3814%
3815@pixelatedboat: 11.45: Arrived at crime scene
381611.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
381711.45: Found murder weapon in drain
381811.45: Realised watch was broken
3819%
3820@fart: if your name is Doug you probably have a phase where people call you "Dirty Doug" then you try to walk it back in your 30s with "Nice Doug"
3821%
3822@degg: my bra doesnt match my diaper... fuck it who cares its the weekend
3823%
3824@BikiniBabeLover: Do you, ☾woke lil cranberry mami ☾, take ✨FKA wifi angel✨ to be your lawfully wedded bride. You may kiss the ceremonial pink Nikes
3825%
3826@decentbirthday: *olive garden*
3827me(to waiter): I'll take "olive" the breadsticks you have
3828*leans over to family next to me*
3829me: i'm a pretty popular guy here
3830%
3831@dril: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
3832%
3833@dril: it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
3834%
3835@ahuj9: @ahuj9 Carlsbad Caverns are adjacent to the Brokeoff Mountains, formerly known as the Actually Carlsgood Mountains
3836%
3837@OtherDanOBrien: DOG OWNER: Who's a good boy!
3838[dog wags tail excitedly]
3839DOG OWNER: You are! Yes you are
3840[I emerge from the bushes] I am also a good boy
3841%
3842@markleidner: God grant me the money to accept the things I cannot change, the money to change the things I can, and the money to know the difference
3843%
3844@GayRodney: I'm on Grindr to make jokes, I'm on Twitter to find a job, and I'm on LinkedIn to fuck
3845%
3846@DaveKingThing: let the record show: on the same day they shut down Grantland, espn devoted 45 seconds of air time to a skateboarding dog.
3847%
3848@BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life
3849%
3850@dril: and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. "egg_dad_ebooks" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium*
3851%
3852@buttsword: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness?
3853me: im vague
3854interviewer: can u elaborate?
3855me: yeah
3856%
3857@TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?"
3858I have to check with the Mrs!
3859[unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply]
3860No sorry I have plans
3861%
3862@Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3
3863%
3864@bobby: 👨🏻 guys, i need to get something off my chest. in 2004 i was driving drunk and ran over a wonan with my truck. not a day goes by that i don't think about her. i'll never forgive myself.
3865
3866🤠 wonan
3867
3868🐵 did this mf just say wonan
3869
3870⠀⠀⠀⠀steve changed the group name to wonan
3871%
3872@randypaint: me: i would like to buy a piano
3873
3874yamaha: ok
3875
3876me: i'd also like to buy a motorcycle lol do u know where i can find a good one
3877
3878yamaha: ur not gonna believe this
3879%