Commit a1a566e
xxwhirlpool
·
2025-10-10 09:07:17 -0400 EDT
parent e67c79e
add more fortune files
9 files changed,
+12865,
-0
+7512,
-0
| ... | ... | @@ -0,0 +1,7512 @@ | |
| 1 | + | your engineering curiosity. | |
| 2 | + | % | |
| 3 | + | Do Not Respond To Another Request For Money Before Reading | |
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| 5 | + | I Want, and as Much as I Want, Any Time I Want, Literally on Demand, Completely Free of Confusion, Frustration, | |
| 6 | + | % | |
| 7 | + | The 5 Keys to Distance | |
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| 9 | + | Kind Decorations Are Going To Be Used | |
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| 11 | + | door hollow-core door solid-core door fabric synthetic fabric natural fabric guitar electric guitar acoustic guitar Internet broadband | |
| 12 | + | % | |
| 13 | + | Water runs clean, and that helps | |
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| 15 | + | role your ears | |
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| 17 | + | Get Paid To Pass Out Free Samples | |
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| 19 | + | Headlines for | |
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| 21 | + | NOW – THERE IS A BETTER WAY TO LEARN VENTRILOQUISM | |
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| 23 | + | you d get results like | |
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| 25 | + | Thirst on these Miserable Occasions, Sec, within the length of the drift boom, must certainly obstruct the velocity of the upper part | |
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| 27 | + | Marketing Revealed | |
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| 29 | + | of your emotions and your life | |
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| 31 | + | Toasty Walnut Muffins | |
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| 33 | + | Decorate for the holidays with luxe-look baubles, faux floral and beautiful ribbon. Find new and inexpensive | |
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| 35 | + | have the five Professional Other | |
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| 37 | + | Alaskan Commercial Fishing 1 | |
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| 39 | + | every time for those that have applied them...all | |
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| 41 | + | Step 2: Embrace The Power Of Eating | |
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| 43 | + | As you can see the picture | |
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| 45 | + | around even | |
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| 47 | + | From Head To Soul For Women | |
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| 49 | + | Teach Themselves And Never | |
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| 51 | + | If You re Looking To Dramatically Increase The Number of Butterflies That Linger Around Your Beautiful Garden, This Might Be | |
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| 53 | + | Having stacks more | |
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| 55 | + | Swimming Pool Sparkle | |
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| 57 | + | The Missing Ingredient For Good Health | |
| 58 | + | % | |
| 59 | + | word of success is, and how if you re missing it, nothing else matters. | |
| 60 | + | % | |
| 61 | + | Do you feel clueless as to what to say when you are standing | |
| 62 | + | % | |
| 63 | + | You hold the lamp - the power is yours! The secrets of the Universe are now revealed with these easy step-by-step techniques! | |
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| 65 | + | The key point you need to know when | |
| 66 | + | % | |
| 67 | + | You Can Start this Business Quick! | |
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| 73 | + | Time Each Month All While Your Business Grows At A Pace You Never | |
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| 75 | + | If you re a radio | |
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| 77 | + | Turning Their Trash Into Your Profits | |
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| 79 | + | the best time to talk about | |
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| 81 | + | Auto Pop | |
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| 83 | + | Your Thoughts And Opinions In The Art Of A Song? | |
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| 85 | + | It s fun and it s profitable. | |
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| 87 | + | Low Cost High Impact Ways | |
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| 89 | + | and Guest Thank You | |
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| 91 | + | CONVENIENCE AND NECESSITY AND CONVENIENCE AND CONVENIENCE AND CONVENIENCE AND NECESSITY AND CONVENIENCE CONVENIENCE AND CONVENIENCE | |
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| 93 | + | changing income on the internet. | |
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| 95 | + | she s ever seen on her finger...at a price that will keep | |
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| 109 | + | A Very, Very, | |
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| 119 | + | he stood: stood, his THE HOUSE ON THE RAMPARTS 33. | |
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| 123 | + | If You Know Nothing About Tattoos For Women. | |
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| 125 | + | this flower. | |
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| 127 | + | How to talk to people over the phone and many other sample conversations. | |
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| 129 | + | companies they buy | |
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| 131 | + | what we need to remember, inevitably | |
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| 133 | + | legs. HOW WILL YOU BE | |
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| 135 | + | Find Find road. Find Find Find roads in the vicinity of a building. distance between buildings. | |
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| 137 | + | Essays for Law School | |
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| 139 | + | How to tactfully interrogate a used car | |
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| 141 | + | - this may very well be the letter | |
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| 143 | + | Just imagine being able to learn how to care for bees in just 7 days (or less) without buying | |
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| 145 | + | describes situations that he or she could not have experienced. | |
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| 147 | + | Gettysburg... Other Times | |
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| 149 | + | Nerve center is used to describe body areas which are most | |
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| 151 | + | the beautiful quarters and | |
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| 153 | + | Think about what you could accomplish if your biggest dreams were | |
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| 155 | + | and beauty can be a new beginning, | |
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| 157 | + | How to Overcome Any Form | |
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| 159 | + | while leaving out all the fluff. | |
| 160 | + | % | |
| 161 | + | Absolutely no face-to-face selling is involved and it s nothing to | |
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| 163 | + | HIDE in the comfort | |
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| 165 | + | available, but if you follow this plan, | |
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| 167 | + | Finding Unstoppable Keywords | |
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| 169 | + | 9 Things You Really Don t | |
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| 171 | + | A little-understood secret that will keep the water in your | |
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| 173 | + | Crunchy Teriyaki | |
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| 175 | + | Ultimately, Dalton has offered no | |
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| 177 | + | Be Pumped About! | |
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| 179 | + | 5 More Things You Can Start Right Away | |
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| 182 | + | % | |
| 183 | + | Energy ... Eat, Don t Hate! Connections The Potted Plant The Sun The Heart Prayer The Emperor The Lonely Consciousness Reunification | |
| 184 | + | % | |
| 185 | + | you heard me right, one day. | |
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| 187 | + | You ll sound so good they ll fire the piano | |
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| 189 | + | Blogging With Pride | |
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| 191 | + | are actually two separate individual businesses | |
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| 193 | + | Let me know if you are interested. So whether you | |
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| 195 | + | to why the game of Roulette can never be beaten. | |
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| 197 | + | up richer and | |
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| 199 | + | There has never been a better time to go | |
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| 201 | + | Sizzlin Circuits | |
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| 203 | + | The Worlds Most Beautiful And | |
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| 205 | + | Two foods you can eat with Italian food that are light in calories, contain no | |
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| 209 | + | 1 week in the life of a romantic! | |
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| 211 | + | The Best Investments in the World | |
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| 213 | + | and happiness for years) | |
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| 217 | + | Carp are the same the world | |
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| 219 | + | Everything started great in the initial stages of planting our new garden. | |
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| 221 | + | The Beginners Guide to Professional Finishes | |
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| 225 | + | I Want to be | |
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| 227 | + | inventory | |
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| 229 | + | The Things You Have Always Wanted To Today... | |
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| 231 | + | You get over thirty specific | |
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| 233 | + | Knowledge worldwide is doubling | |
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| 235 | + | and tell time. (Worth Thousands) WILL WE LOSE OUT FOR BEING HONEST? WE NEVER, NEVER, THINK THIS WAY | |
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| 237 | + | the web for the first time... and possibly the last. | |
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| 239 | + | 7 types | |
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| 241 | + | Save yourself a ton | |
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| 243 | + | Discusses some issues that may be encountered - including | |
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| 245 | + | Friends and Your Enemies When | |
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| 247 | + | and friends constantly | |
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| 249 | + | you for saying nothing? When they are talking are you too busy thinking | |
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| 251 | + | Mastering Stress | |
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| 253 | + | You re not alone in your passion for tomatoes! | |
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| 255 | + | photos help | |
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| 259 | + | money) into a room | |
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| 263 | + | Feelings and most of all YOUR | |
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| 267 | + | distance Bursting Distance Into clouds Clouds Clouds Distance, clouds Distance Distance, sails Into clouds Distance, clouds Sun, clouds | |
| 268 | + | % | |
| 269 | + | Remember the last time you were sitting | |
| 270 | + | % | |
| 271 | + | Faster Flexibility | |
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| 273 | + | with two hands, thumb inside and fingers outside, stretching garment open. Puts shirt over head. Pulls head through opening. Searches for | |
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| 275 | + | Suddenly, I had | |
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| 291 | + | Wise Women Topics | |
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| 297 | + | tasting sauces for | |
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| 303 | + | How I started my money making Italian | |
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| 311 | + | Her Creativity Shows! | |
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| 313 | + | gold in your hand, you don t know it exists. | |
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| 317 | + | What Are Rare | |
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| 321 | + | Frequently Made Mistake To Avoid Depleting Your Soil s | |
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| 337 | + | Outrageous Chocolate Chip Cookies | |
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| 339 | + | ICE-FREE SEASON SEASON PROPOSED PROPOSED PROPOSED PROPOSED ANNUAL ICE-COV. ICE-FREE ANNUAL SEASON SEASON PROPOSED PROPOSED ICE-COV. ICEFREE | |
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| 341 | + | Chords Are The | |
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| 343 | + | between the pillars of | |
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| 347 | + | I love to document everything. I want to prove everything. I want to systematize | |
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| 349 | + | They think the salesperson | |
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| 353 | + | the wind turbines, these | |
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| 355 | + | intensification played within the early Sandwich | |
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| 357 | + | AN SASASASASHAHAHAHAHRARASASASAS E Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin Copper Copper Timber DESERT RTRTRTRT P e r s i i a n G u l Ancient C | |
| 358 | + | % | |
| 359 | + | Again Using The Proven Best Selling | |
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| 361 | + | The Romantic s Guide | |
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| 363 | + | In Apartments | |
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| 365 | + | Many people love their cats but worry | |
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| 367 | + | You do not need to spend hundreds for a chain link, | |
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| 369 | + | Specific Food And Drink In A Restaraunt, And Even Questions | |
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| 371 | + | How To Tell If Your Dog Is Sick | |
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| 373 | + | money, your patience. Arm | |
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| 375 | + | more hours | |
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| 377 | + | Make the best choices and still enjoy | |
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| 379 | + | buildings in the west | |
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| 381 | + | The Book of Lights | |
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| 383 | + | Business Fast-Track Resources Tool with access to hundreds of the useful and damn right MUST-HAVE | |
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| 399 | + | An absolutely | |
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| 401 | + | One Week Marketing | |
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| 407 | + | POL IT ICS POLL SENIORS PLEOGE TO GIVE BEFORE THEY 01280 GRAOUATE FACULTY PLEOGES — COMPROMISE 01421 BETWEEN HARO SELL ANO NO SELL PERTINENT | |
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| 409 | + | food recipes for guys who likes | |
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| 413 | + | totally by accident several years ago when selling a motor home. I had no idea that this type of industry | |
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| 417 | + | How to casually introduce | |
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| 419 | + | Four Steps To Financial Freedom | |
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| 425 | + | Effort is Wasted So You Better Listen Up! | |
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| 427 | + | If You | |
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| 429 | + | Primary Care - Oral Health Action Pack | |
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| 433 | + | Thousands of people just like you were at a loss at what to do about the pain and discomfort from the unnecessary | |
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| 435 | + | VARIATION IN OF THE VARIABILITY IN AS SHOWN BY FISH + VARIABILITY OF THE VARIABILITY OF BETWEEN DAY AND NIGHT | |
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| 437 | + | The incredible energy, | |
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| 439 | + | The Power of Laughter | |
| 440 | + | % | |
| 441 | + | A proper warm up prepares you for physical exercise, allowing you to perform better. | |
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| 511 | + | Designing Successful Kitchens | |
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| 1604 | + | Profit System | |
| 1605 | + | % | |
| 1606 | + | MAGICALLY COMMAND MIRACLES OF WEALTH, | |
| 1607 | + | % | |
| 1608 | + | Specific ways | |
| 1609 | + | % | |
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| 1623 | + | % | |
| 1624 | + | Questions for each other about the wedding | |
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| 1630 | + | GASOLINE ENGINES FOR GASOLINE ENGINES, GASOLINE ENGINES, GASOLINE ENGINES, GASOLINE ENGINES, GASOLINE ENGINES, NATURAL GAS PISTON TYPE | |
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| 1632 | + | Q: Do I need to be a technical whiz-kid to make a success of the Coffee | |
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| 1638 | + | her phone rings | |
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| 1640 | + | Or real estate... Or anything else... | |
| 1641 | + | % | |
| 1642 | + | Those are just some of the things no one is talking about, | |
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| 1644 | + | How to Conquer Pain Once and For All by Attacking the Source and Do It | |
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| 1646 | + | The Science of Ghosts | |
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| 1674 | + | A Guide to Researching | |
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| 1682 | + | Aren t you curious how artists do | |
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| 1684 | + | Secrets To | |
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| 1686 | + | The Value Of Attention | |
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| 1688 | + | Its Not Just About This | |
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| 1690 | + | A Product Pick A | |
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| 1700 | + | you instructions. It shows you, step-by-step, | |
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| 1702 | + | I never craved fast food and actually even thinking about it | |
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| 1704 | + | Home Assembly Jobs | |
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| 1706 | + | made by using ordinary household scissors. This company needs | |
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| 1848 | + | Great high-tech | |
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| 1852 | + | her she might easily write, and by that means put it out of the cruel Dalton s power to | |
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| 1866 | + | Kids trade baseball cards, radio | |
| 1867 | + | % | |
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| 1882 | + | fruit originated, | |
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| 1886 | + | Hungry Private Investigators, Yet, | |
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| 1890 | + | escape | |
| 1891 | + | % | |
| 1892 | + | that up- yikes!)... and you STILL wouldn t learn HALF of what s | |
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| 1902 | + | Business. 33. Setting Up a Website for Your Business. 34. The Art of e-Commerce. 35. A Computer | |
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| 1904 | + | How I Sell Thousands of Products | |
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| 1906 | + | of touch and hugging. | |
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| 1908 | + | Unfortunately Many Owners | |
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| 1910 | + | Best Flowers for your | |
| 1911 | + | % | |
| 1912 | + | Three Times...Even Four Times! Implement | |
| 1913 | + | % | |
| 1914 | + | It is the words that comes out of your mouth today that will either | |
| 1915 | + | % | |
| 1916 | + | This is a checklist | |
| 1917 | + | % | |
| 1918 | + | Kids out of control Friends and Family Successful Dreams | |
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| 1920 | + | The jealously guarded secrets of successful natural | |
| 1921 | + | % | |
| 1922 | + | Who else wants to meet and marry the man of their dreams? After YEARS of dating all the wrong men, I learned to draw | |
| 1923 | + | % | |
| 1924 | + | Your Attitude - Your Self-Esteem | |
| 1925 | + | % | |
| 1926 | + | Away City! [ = JUST an EXAMPLE HOW | |
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| 1928 | + | steel and alloys and alloys and alloys and alloys and alloys and alloys and alloys | |
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| 1932 | + | YOU ARE ABOUT | |
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| 1934 | + | ClickBank Ad Formats | |
| 1935 | + | % | |
| 1936 | + | gold and must be | |
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| 1940 | + | we are informed with reference. Six Weeks Early Market Great Divide Polaris Acme Early Ohio Pink Gem 4 4 4 4 8 3 very 3 shall shall shall | |
| 1941 | + | % | |
| 1942 | + | Slam-Shut The Internet Gap Holes And Target Hungry | |
| 1943 | + | % | |
| 1944 | + | eWriter Pro | |
| 1945 | + | % | |
| 1946 | + | Anything Else Faster Than You Can Possibly Imagine?" | |
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| 1948 | + | What to take for arthritis. | |
| 1949 | + | % | |
| 1950 | + | Successful Have | |
| 1951 | + | % | |
| 1952 | + | Or entertain exhilarated diners with your mind-blowing table | |
| 1953 | + | % | |
| 1954 | + | Keeping Control | |
| 1955 | + | % | |
| 1956 | + | 100.000 100,000 50,000 stated, stated. Btated. Capital not stated. Capital not stated. 50,000 stated, stated, | |
| 1957 | + | % | |
| 1958 | + | in bad weather | |
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| 1960 | + | cast | |
| 1961 | + | % | |
| 1962 | + | money away in the chaos and clutter? | |
| 1963 | + | % | |
| 1964 | + | The reality behind "wholesale prices" | |
| 1965 | + | % | |
| 1966 | + | Expectoncy 0 X Motive Motivotion 0 Story A + Story 8 + Story C + Story 0 = (Frequency of | |
| 1967 | + | % | |
| 1968 | + | What Kind of Mortgage Fits | |
| 1969 | + | % | |
| 1970 | + | Are you a busy pregnant professional | |
| 1971 | + | % | |
| 1972 | + | the elongation of the gully. The gully length (Xs) has been included in equation | |
| 1973 | + | % | |
| 1974 | + | Great Fortunes, and How They Were Made | |
| 1975 | + | % | |
| 1976 | + | Meditation Loud Neighbors Hot bath or Massage Healing Love Energy Guidelines for Positive Projection Fears Concerning | |
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| 1978 | + | Let me prove to you beyond all doubt that you really can make six figures a year with this legal loophole | |
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| 1980 | + | Enjoy The Flavor Of The Holidays With A Delicious Homemade Pumpkin Pie, Cake, Dessert, Or Even A Lucious Pumpkin | |
| 1981 | + | % | |
| 1982 | + | sand, hair | |
| 1983 | + | % | |
| 1984 | + | 15 Day Resell Rights Success | |
| 1985 | + | % | |
| 1986 | + | I Know Where The Rocks | |
| 1987 | + | % | |
| 1988 | + | rapid rapid rapid rapid rapid Individuals | |
| 1989 | + | % | |
| 1990 | + | WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS FOR | |
| 1991 | + | % | |
| 1992 | + | your best friend unfortunately | |
| 1993 | + | % | |
| 1994 | + | Before and Beginning the Negotiation | |
| 1995 | + | % | |
| 1996 | + | Supports 100% of online browsers - Supports all online | |
| 1997 | + | % | |
| 1998 | + | An illegal inquiry that can | |
| 1999 | + | % | |
| 2000 | + | always going to lock | |
| 2001 | + | % | |
| 2002 | + | Pyramid s. Love . LOS ANGELES Pyramid Records is dislnbuung 2 000 12-inch two sided disco disks | |
| 2003 | + | % | |
| 2004 | + | Credit Cards The Lowdown | |
| 2005 | + | % | |
| 2006 | + | and many more are revealed in | |
| 2007 | + | % | |
| 2008 | + | Cheddar Apple | |
| 2009 | + | % | |
| 2010 | + | Nicaragua was to familiarize ourselves personally with the country and the people and physical and moral | |
| 2011 | + | % | |
| 2012 | + | time clients with deep pockets. | |
| 2013 | + | % | |
| 2014 | + | Getting Paid for Your Opinion | |
| 2015 | + | % | |
| 2016 | + | It goes without saying that your inaction may be destroying your precious photographs, but | |
| 2017 | + | % | |
| 2018 | + | Common causes of a poor memory. How to organize your memory for easy retrieval of information. How your subconscious helps you | |
| 2019 | + | % | |
| 2020 | + | to an honest, loyal, loving, successful, | |
| 2021 | + | % | |
| 2022 | + | Physique And Silhouette | |
| 2023 | + | % | |
| 2024 | + | One Million Items Wholesale | |
| 2025 | + | % | |
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| 2027 | + | % | |
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| 2030 | + | is, and how best | |
| 2031 | + | % | |
| 2032 | + | into rotary Motion. eating Motion. Motion. Motion. Motion. | |
| 2033 | + | % | |
| 2034 | + | Tour through the Eastern Counties of England | |
| 2035 | + | % | |
| 2036 | + | your muscles rapidly responding and growing like a dry | |
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| 2040 | + | making $10,000 dollars online and they will thank you for it! | |
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| 2050 | + | Here Is Just Some Of What You Will Learn In The Make Me | |
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| 2054 | + | 597 Business Letters Library | |
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| 2056 | + | The next 33 weeks carried the record to November, 1891. There were many deaths then, the weather being | |
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| 2058 | + | Starch | |
| 2059 | + | % | |
| 2060 | + | Determined to get big and strong, I started reading | |
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| 2064 | + | Barnaby Rudge | |
| 2065 | + | % | |
| 2066 | + | Use the strength behind each setback to add fuel to your determination to succeed Inflate your comfort zone to reach confidence - | |
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| 2068 | + | SHIFT SHIFT REJECT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT REJECT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT REJECT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT REJECT REDUCEd) REDUCEd) | |
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| 2070 | + | experience to swim | |
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| 2072 | + | just from playing golf for businesses and business | |
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| 2078 | + | 5000 belts or gadgets? | |
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| 2104 | + | The Digital Download Music Lovers Guide | |
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| 2114 | + | 50 Quick, 2 Minute Shortcuts To Online Business Success | |
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| 2118 | + | Two trysts. 7317(573) Two tunes in march time. 28632. Two tunes of long ago. 11470. Two weeks notice. 11471. Two were lonely. 6846. Two were | |
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| 7338 | + | % | |
| 7339 | + | She knows I m a no-nonsense medical researcher who has dedicated my life to finding all-natural treatments for devastating | |
| 7340 | + | % | |
| 7341 | + | at the insights you gain about those weird, bizarre symbols in your dreams. | |
| 7342 | + | % | |
| 7343 | + | Lawn Mower Style Line Trimmer | |
| 7344 | + | % | |
| 7345 | + | to make any sales Haven t a Clue of What Makes it Happen Have problems with creativity. Have not started marketing on the net Don t have | |
| 7346 | + | % | |
| 7347 | + | You ll receive an over | |
| 7348 | + | % | |
| 7349 | + | INTRODUCTORY.--HOW WE MET. I. INTRODUCTORY.--HOW WE MET II. HOW TO TALK III. TALK IV. HOW | |
| 7350 | + | % | |
| 7351 | + | Why you should think twice about painting the walls in your house anything | |
| 7352 | + | % | |
| 7353 | + | Demand Furniture | |
| 7354 | + | % | |
| 7355 | + | Just look at everything that I am going | |
| 7356 | + | % | |
| 7357 | + | shopping format allows you to identify and measure quality of products and services. The need to | |
| 7358 | + | % | |
| 7359 | + | 101 Money Saving Cost Cutting Tips | |
| 7360 | + | % | |
| 7361 | + | countertops to make certain | |
| 7362 | + | % | |
| 7363 | + | your roses. Realize that rain water | |
| 7364 | + | % | |
| 7365 | + | Including simplified four part arrangements for the novice student and | |
| 7366 | + | % | |
| 7367 | + | Jet Lag Plane | |
| 7368 | + | % | |
| 7369 | + | Not only that, but whether you believe it (or want to believe it) the car salesmen will continue to laugh | |
| 7370 | + | % | |
| 7371 | + | In 2004, two independent dental research teams completed | |
| 7372 | + | % | |
| 7373 | + | of events get you the | |
| 7374 | + | % | |
| 7375 | + | are worth the attention to create a "balance". | |
| 7376 | + | % | |
| 7377 | + | Decorate With Wallpaper | |
| 7378 | + | % | |
| 7379 | + | What if you could do the very | |
| 7380 | + | % | |
| 7381 | + | .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. GRADING AND GRAVEL. .RADING AND GRAVEL. GRAVEL. GRADING AND GRAVEL. TOTAL | |
| 7382 | + | % | |
| 7383 | + | And for many, it does both. | |
| 7384 | + | % | |
| 7385 | + | Vertical Jump Training Program | |
| 7386 | + | % | |
| 7387 | + | I am not sure of his feelings and I would | |
| 7388 | + | % | |
| 7389 | + | What value could | |
| 7390 | + | % | |
| 7391 | + | Culture Revealed. | |
| 7392 | + | % | |
| 7393 | + | attention to more and more comforts to make your | |
| 7394 | + | % | |
| 7395 | + | Essenial Guide to Lasting Pain Relief | |
| 7396 | + | % | |
| 7397 | + | remember and fun to share. | |
| 7398 | + | % | |
| 7399 | + | Novice and seasoned tomato growers alike find this section invaluable, as it contains everything you | |
| 7400 | + | % | |
| 7401 | + | Even The Best Won t | |
| 7402 | + | % | |
| 7403 | + | Life style strategies to support your youthful memory. | |
| 7404 | + | % | |
| 7405 | + | & visual perception, Memory, | |
| 7406 | + | % | |
| 7407 | + | and that geological significance should not be lost in the search for more and more | |
| 7408 | + | % | |
| 7409 | + | wild don t diet, and neither should you. | |
| 7410 | + | % | |
| 7411 | + | Discover new tactics to solve your computer problems | |
| 7412 | + | % | |
| 7413 | + | New cars, clothes, | |
| 7414 | + | % | |
| 7415 | + | All the various circumstances you might encounter when turning | |
| 7416 | + | % | |
| 7417 | + | term effects Packaging | |
| 7418 | + | % | |
| 7419 | + | and more SECURE FUTURE | |
| 7420 | + | % | |
| 7421 | + | and more! Start raising your self-esteem today! | |
| 7422 | + | % | |
| 7423 | + | Saving On Cleaning Supplies | |
| 7424 | + | % | |
| 7425 | + | This sounds like the beginning of a brutal experience, that I personally | |
| 7426 | + | % | |
| 7427 | + | another place would tell | |
| 7428 | + | % | |
| 7429 | + | Do these simple things, and you are guaranteed to keep your license (or regret it | |
| 7430 | + | % | |
| 7431 | + | Getting Started In Auto Sales | |
| 7432 | + | % | |
| 7433 | + | But that s just basic | |
| 7434 | + | % | |
| 7435 | + | Discussion | |
| 7436 | + | % | |
| 7437 | + | Overheads are low, usually just | |
| 7438 | + | % | |
| 7439 | + | No circus act lifts or beach body workouts. | |
| 7440 | + | % | |
| 7441 | + | Essays for Undergraduate Programs | |
| 7442 | + | % | |
| 7443 | + | and how often they hear it. | |
| 7444 | + | % | |
| 7445 | + | breath, and vice versa. How many of the common things I and others thought we were doing | |
| 7446 | + | % | |
| 7447 | + | AND BURNED BY UNSCRUPULOUS BUSINESSES MORE TIMES | |
| 7448 | + | % | |
| 7449 | + | I have personally used this technique to break many memory | |
| 7450 | + | % | |
| 7451 | + | Miracle Mind Manifesting Program | |
| 7452 | + | % | |
| 7453 | + | The "Battle Tested" Technique The "Swap Me" Technique The "Prize | |
| 7454 | + | % | |
| 7455 | + | of the court again once you ve | |
| 7456 | + | % | |
| 7457 | + | We both have discussed, researched heavily | |
| 7458 | + | % | |
| 7459 | + | The interviews can be shorter since you would have many | |
| 7460 | + | % | |
| 7461 | + | One Hundred and One Patchwork Patterns | |
| 7462 | + | % | |
| 7463 | + | your daily life, and also in difficult and trying situations. | |
| 7464 | + | % | |
| 7465 | + | face year | |
| 7466 | + | % | |
| 7467 | + | How many times have you wished you were strong enough to concentrate your mind, | |
| 7468 | + | % | |
| 7469 | + | displayed are all for right-handers? I ll show | |
| 7470 | + | % | |
| 7471 | + | Conversational Japanese Video Course | |
| 7472 | + | % | |
| 7473 | + | In less than three weeks you can be looking at things differently, more creatively, if you | |
| 7474 | + | % | |
| 7475 | + | Why many people achieve very little despite spending most of their time | |
| 7476 | + | % | |
| 7477 | + | And practical explanations | |
| 7478 | + | % | |
| 7479 | + | Then I decided to try an experiment and put all of my hard work to the test. The next morning I got up and walked straight to my computer.. | |
| 7480 | + | % | |
| 7481 | + | Learn to Trade Markets | |
| 7482 | + | % | |
| 7483 | + | principle to work to make more money while having more fun. Unlucky people | |
| 7484 | + | % | |
| 7485 | + | One of the greatest barriers to making the sale is your prospect s natural | |
| 7486 | + | % | |
| 7487 | + | Don t stubbornly | |
| 7488 | + | % | |
| 7489 | + | process from preparation, through to delivery. | |
| 7490 | + | % | |
| 7491 | + | Turn Eye Appeal Into Buy Appeal | |
| 7492 | + | % | |
| 7493 | + | This is a very special technique that I have never seen | |
| 7494 | + | % | |
| 7495 | + | -And Gain Power By Learning Ways To Become Peaceful | |
| 7496 | + | % | |
| 7497 | + | space in your house How to sell faster than your neighbors How to make a strategic use | |
| 7498 | + | % | |
| 7499 | + | to discourage you by telling | |
| 7500 | + | % | |
| 7501 | + | All Star Personal Trainers | |
| 7502 | + | % | |
| 7503 | + | The real goal of any talk or speech | |
| 7504 | + | % | |
| 7505 | + | Bear Stearns Bravo | |
| 7506 | + | % | |
| 7507 | + | (213) 444 0102 | |
| 7508 | + | % | |
| 7509 | + | http://t.co/fFjVzCrTrZ | |
| 7510 | + | % | |
| 7511 | + | I m going to outline 14 different ways that I ve found you | |
| 7512 | + | % |
Binaries are not rendered as diffs.
+1468,
-0
| ... | ... | @@ -0,0 +1,1468 @@ | |
| 1 | + | tweet -@UtilityLimb | |
| 2 | + | % | |
| 3 | + | kewl garden tip: pet cactus provide your pad w/ spicy latin style AND essential home security -@UtilityLimb | |
| 4 | + | % | |
| 5 | + | @AGentleBrees What if someone made a battle bot that could only suck its own weener -@UtilityLimb | |
| 6 | + | % | |
| 7 | + | ugh... meet'n'greet devolved into hoot'n'woot yet again... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 8 | + | % | |
| 9 | + | family dog tear up couch and uses scraps to build cocoon... metamorphosis into better dog?? answer: no... #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 10 | + | % | |
| 11 | + | get in a taxi and driver has no steering wheel or pedals-but you do! he make you go opposite direction. really out of the way #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 12 | + | % | |
| 13 | + | convoluted series of domino events create uplifting NRG beat in backyard waking neighbors #DarubeGoldbergMachine #unfaireviction -@UtilityLimb | |
| 14 | + | % | |
| 15 | + | @woodmuffin man tweet likely happenings #mundaneevents all come true except sudden new skullshaped moon being "no big deal" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 16 | + | % | |
| 17 | + | you write check &realize yr sig sideways look like man impaled on spears. spooky part: check was for DIY home spike trap kit #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 18 | + | % | |
| 19 | + | RT @woodmuffin: Your long-dormant pager comes back to life displaying 80087734. You flip it around to discover "hELLBOOB" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 20 | + | % | |
| 21 | + | family dog disappear with lantern for days on end. returns with wounds, foursquare checkins deep below earths crust, amulets. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 22 | + | % | |
| 23 | + | parakeet strangely laconic except imitating sound of distant train at 4am daily. train sound closer each time. earth tremors. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 24 | + | % | |
| 25 | + | frugal black cat close browser each time u walk in room. history cache show DiscountCauldron.info, Factory2ndBats.biz #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 26 | + | % | |
| 27 | + | @bro_pair in english Namaste translates to: Da Nastayyy!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 28 | + | % | |
| 29 | + | driverless black subaru pursues u thru desolate desert but has trouble keepin pace, breaks down after couple miles #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 30 | + | % | |
| 31 | + | booming, disembodied voice admits "Balthazar" is just nickname, real name particularly less imposing #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 32 | + | % | |
| 33 | + | @woodmuffin thank you. based on true story. irl amulets big let down. dog did not need artifact enhanced urinary power+neither did my carpet -@UtilityLimb | |
| 34 | + | % | |
| 35 | + | @AGentleBrees same thing happen to me. tried to say Ian Curtis, accidentally said I am Kurdish. #MyLifeEndedInEarly90sIraq -@UtilityLimb | |
| 36 | + | % | |
| 37 | + | @bro_pair bieb baath and beyond -@UtilityLimb | |
| 38 | + | % | |
| 39 | + | estranged romanian uncle send gift for 9th birthday: undulating black sphere. turns out its really fun to play with #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 40 | + | % | |
| 41 | + | hooded groundskeeper's answer of "puberty" RE: sudden severe growth of manor's stone gargoyles just raises further questions #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 42 | + | % | |
| 43 | + | @kafkaesqueteen new country form based on FW:funylaws.rar! dissolve in controversy 2 days later when prez throws owl like football (ILLEGAL) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 44 | + | % | |
| 45 | + | @AGentleBrees bush demands swole activist judges STOP legislating from&killing it on the bench, gets swirly in toilet full of legal gay weed -@UtilityLimb | |
| 46 | + | % | |
| 47 | + | typo in my craiglist m4m ad cause pharoah show up at my house gimme Mummy Tummy. toilet withering in decay from so many curse turds :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 48 | + | % | |
| 49 | + | neighbor's SUV has stick figure decals on rear window of man, woman, 2 boys, dog, horde of scorpions, giant sandworm, obelisk #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 50 | + | % | |
| 51 | + | @Ingwit ing wit? what verb is presently participling, and wit what? 1 of times great unknowable enigmas... (answer: hooting wit' prescience) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 52 | + | % | |
| 53 | + | @brendlewhat thank you but only follow during day, leave me alone at night. need stealth and silence for genderheists -@UtilityLimb | |
| 54 | + | % | |
| 55 | + | @mydxmproblem lol @ jennifer schwalbach smith marrying a figurative 12 year old -@UtilityLimb | |
| 56 | + | % | |
| 57 | + | realize 2late that travel brochure claim "breathtaking spine tree forest" not a typo &neither is "snow-capped mountain beaks" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 58 | + | % | |
| 59 | + | .@mobute cancer diagnosis much more fun before realizing doc had said oncology not arcology #hypertower #sprawlingtechnoziggurat -@UtilityLimb | |
| 60 | + | % | |
| 61 | + | driving through seemingly abandoned town you notice every clothing store has sign declaring size 80W500L pants all sold out #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 62 | + | % | |
| 63 | + | sleeves of every shirt sold at mall have no opening connect together like ouroboros, mall exits just lead deeper into mall #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 64 | + | % | |
| 65 | + | @leducviolet was accidentally within range of that hex during filming, spent last decade in fetal pos w/ excruciating impassable gall stone -@UtilityLimb | |
| 66 | + | % | |
| 67 | + | @leducviolet i meant lotr not marilyn manson sucking own dick (lost highway directors cut, also the straight story directors cut) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 68 | + | % | |
| 69 | + | @brendlewhat roger waters good solo albums cure cancer, too bad heeeEEEEAAAA*voice turns into sound from invasion of the body snatchers* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 70 | + | % | |
| 71 | + | roger waters doesn't need novocaine, he's already comfortably... HITLER?!? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 72 | + | % | |
| 73 | + | @bro_pair thanks for the heads up bout the new #CherryPoppinDeities altar! #NonEuclidianCheckerboardPattern -@UtilityLimb | |
| 74 | + | % | |
| 75 | + | @Bro_Pair what the... only the dick is catching flame?? booming bega bellows: "i am a construct of wood, not of society" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 76 | + | % | |
| 77 | + | @PlanetofFinks definitely going to try writing something for that but have no idea how to write anything longer than 3 sentences -@UtilityLimb | |
| 78 | + | % | |
| 79 | + | 'ey there sugar... thinkin your thorax look even hotter reorganized into bonyboob exoskeletal configuration #CreepTweets -@UtilityLimb | |
| 80 | + | % | |
| 81 | + | that pepper spray isn't going to help you, i don't have eyes. #creeptweets -@UtilityLimb | |
| 82 | + | % | |
| 83 | + | RT @woodmuffin: Your mouth is like a cave. It's dark. It's damp. And in a moment, it's going to be filled with spiders #CreepTweets -@UtilityLimb | |
| 84 | + | % | |
| 85 | + | @fart cranberry born in wrong berry body -@UtilityLimb | |
| 86 | + | % | |
| 87 | + | BREAKING: dead sewer scrolls reveal christ turn water into slime. entire ocean, slime. #bible #prophecy #oozechrist -@UtilityLimb | |
| 88 | + | % | |
| 89 | + | BREAKING: dead sewer scrolls give stern warning: judge not lest ye be sludged #bible #prophecy #oozechrist -@UtilityLimb | |
| 90 | + | % | |
| 91 | + | @dinosaurjrrk dont hav that sory but fav mory feldman is "for samuel beckett" could upload for you if you dont hav. #slowlymodulatingthicket -@UtilityLimb | |
| 92 | + | % | |
| 93 | + | @fart Year is 2012 and the genderqueer mayan gods aren't decimating society's BS constructs, just society's vital infrastructure #fuckthem -@UtilityLimb | |
| 94 | + | % | |
| 95 | + | @Ingwit yes he does! and thaks gonna check those out later :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 96 | + | % | |
| 97 | + | mosquitoes landing on bug zapper unphased, successfully biting and sucking electricity out of it #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 98 | + | % | |
| 99 | + | women, children, and the unarmed #shiitesmydadslays -@UtilityLimb | |
| 100 | + | % | |
| 101 | + | lookin 4a thiack azzz mami 2 lick+suck my chitin while i sloooowly cleave her noggin in twain w/ me pincers #twitterafterdark -@UtilityLimb | |
| 102 | + | % | |
| 103 | + | @aerobicrobot wat hapen?? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 104 | + | % | |
| 105 | + | @ingwit good night james, from me, a hideous mutant made of tendons and teeth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 106 | + | % | |
| 107 | + | you are only one surprised and not singing along with national anthem at baseball game being "black ships ate the sky" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 108 | + | % | |
| 109 | + | arrive at paleontology museum to discover singular titanic skeledino created from all bones of other dinos and museum staff #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 110 | + | % | |
| 111 | + | @leducviolet toddler dismayed that megazord crafted of household pets and glue gun not very fun or powerful -@UtilityLimb | |
| 112 | + | % | |
| 113 | + | gonna swarm and violently puncture+inject you with rumpspike venom #sincewereseethinghornets -@UtilityLimb | |
| 114 | + | % | |
| 115 | + | RT @crushingbort: some of the faces on the missing children flyers are now stamped "DEFEATED" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 116 | + | % | |
| 117 | + | none of the 48,000 identical cans of potted meat received at food drive explain what exactly is "chicken of the deep" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 118 | + | % | |
| 119 | + | kafkaesque arboretum -@UtilityLimb | |
| 120 | + | % | |
| 121 | + | house republicans claim thrill-first-ask-questions-later bailout of artifact recovery specialists danbrownesque, qobratic, kickassian -@UtilityLimb | |
| 122 | + | % | |
| 123 | + | distant smoke tweet alert coming of lizard ones. yell for @grok @thoog return to cave. beg spirits that bone rites protect. #primevaltwitter -@UtilityLimb | |
| 124 | + | % | |
| 125 | + | @Ingwit i will mak you 1 art. you or som1 else gimme shortstory/post/tweet to turn in2 audioreading on top of surreal postminimal soundscape -@UtilityLimb | |
| 126 | + | % | |
| 127 | + | @menfickskabb that could work mebbe! possible microsong material. will see... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 128 | + | % | |
| 129 | + | @Ingwit aaah that would own! but i started a couple hours ago on "open palm slam a vhs". if ppl think like this i'll do that one next -@UtilityLimb | |
| 130 | + | % | |
| 131 | + | @bro_pair love will find a wayans... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 132 | + | % | |
| 133 | + | RT @Mobute: @thebibandit The Wayans calendar ends in 2012. Mark your time. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 134 | + | % | |
| 135 | + | i hope "hoot first, ask questions later!" been used at some point by marketing man making lot of money to positivley describe a sitcom -@UtilityLimb | |
| 136 | + | % | |
| 137 | + | @J_Chastain mystery blur assault lazy bird man. crime: put food in paper shredder as nestling wife+daughters knelt beneath, mouths agape. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 138 | + | % | |
| 139 | + | greg howard vows to destroy careers of liberal twitter trolls aaliyah, ian curtis, big bopper, def leppard drummer's disembodied arm -@UtilityLimb | |
| 140 | + | % | |
| 141 | + | gaza elect bahamas. jew, arab friends now. steel drum play havah nagila/adhÄn medley. "only battle at limbo now" say man sipping coconut. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 142 | + | % | |
| 143 | + | during debate lincoln point at douglas start yelling "FAAAAAAA-". graveyard report say corpse still yelling. yet 2yell "GGOT" #debaterecord -@UtilityLimb | |
| 144 | + | % | |
| 145 | + | reagan tell mondale he "weepy baby" &got "doodoo dipey" 172 time during surprise debate after election at mondale moms funeral #debaterecord -@UtilityLimb | |
| 146 | + | % | |
| 147 | + | you took our fire. you gave it to the mortal ones. now look what they did to build-a-bear. #badprometheus -@UtilityLimb | |
| 148 | + | % | |
| 149 | + | Beauty is Exactly Skin Deep - Wardrobe by Buffalo Bill's Boutique #badpromthemes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 150 | + | % | |
| 151 | + | renovation reveal hidden tunnels beneath mpr, green day - time of your life heard echoing below at 40bpm in impossible key #badpromthemes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 152 | + | % | |
| 153 | + | i got a monster manual too *holds up yearbook* no fictional beast could match the damage that todd did to me... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 154 | + | % | |
| 155 | + | @extranapkins we all piss on a yellow submissive -@UtilityLimb | |
| 156 | + | % | |
| 157 | + | @leducviolet thats ok yours was better, mine just a graey alien ref. all the retweets you got are legally mine tho. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 158 | + | % | |
| 159 | + | The Guy From Queen Is Dead #pozmoz -@UtilityLimb | |
| 160 | + | % | |
| 161 | + | Mange Gay's Rear, We Cum #pozmoz -@UtilityLimb | |
| 162 | + | % | |
| 163 | + | My Twitter Rank is Wildly Different from My Social Standing in Actual Life! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 164 | + | % | |
| 165 | + | my twitter is rank. "puke duke." "bog baron." -@UtilityLimb | |
| 166 | + | % | |
| 167 | + | John Balance delighted to be freed from "Most Hilarious Fatal Toppling" burden -@UtilityLimb | |
| 168 | + | % | |
| 169 | + | @mydxmproblem special message from jhonn: always eat your greens. esp. broccoli. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 170 | + | % | |
| 171 | + | Inbred Empire #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb | |
| 172 | + | % | |
| 173 | + | Eternal Sunshine of the Spicless Mind #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb | |
| 174 | + | % | |
| 175 | + | Arousing Cougar, Hidden Imam #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb | |
| 176 | + | % | |
| 177 | + | A Portrait of the Arab as a Human #bannedbooks -@UtilityLimb | |
| 178 | + | % | |
| 179 | + | @bro_pair palestinians fall for Enticement Dinghy filled w/ basic human needs, trigger comical trap that crush them and offspring w/ anvils -@UtilityLimb | |
| 180 | + | % | |
| 181 | + | GOOD NEWS: terrifying figure discovered beneath mall just a mannequin. not a dead body. BAD NEWS: not a dead mannequin. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 182 | + | % | |
| 183 | + | Face Brown, Class Lower / Thats The Race That We Fuck Over! #TeaPartyPR #TeaPartySongs -@UtilityLimb | |
| 184 | + | % | |
| 185 | + | @bro_pair @acaringgirl i always wonder how many islamophobes happen to love those "romantic relationship" poems by "some guy named rumi" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 186 | + | % | |
| 187 | + | @Rappin4Safety im hard to find. username contain glyphs not available on human keyboard. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 188 | + | % | |
| 189 | + | RT @graeydaeve: pumpkin hatched. this world is not what i thought it was. the patchling scratches. devoured many crow. So. You new to s ... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 190 | + | % | |
| 191 | + | .@SimmonsBedding sleep on simmons bed restless, hollow. nightmare of beds past. ?? years spent in slumber. do not recognize world i woke to. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 192 | + | % | |
| 193 | + | loar boar speak of histories hidden and artifacts antiquarian. warn that the new ways weaken planets lifesauce, scorn the zomnipotent. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 194 | + | % | |
| 195 | + | spent last 9weeks shuffled back+forth thru diffrnt lines. no1says if tickets still available, or even exist. this kafkafest is kindaâ¦u know⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 196 | + | % | |
| 197 | + | home godot 2: bumbling burglar duo try to rob house. are foiled. become ensnared in stasis imposed by selves, superglue. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 198 | + | % | |
| 199 | + | .@Ingwit butt cairn. corn bones inside. interred in turd. #mortalhusk -@UtilityLimb | |
| 200 | + | % | |
| 201 | + | RT @babywolfpupy: people in egg costumes chanting "egg council rules" in car drive over banan peel and fly off cliff -@UtilityLimb | |
| 202 | + | % | |
| 203 | + | @kafkaesqueteen @woodmuffin my name irl is Ominous Evan -@UtilityLimb | |
| 204 | + | % | |
| 205 | + | ANCHORMAN: highway traffic halted by a 17 car pileup-*listens 2 earpiece* correction... halted by a serpentine scarred pylon #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 206 | + | % | |
| 207 | + | have no reagents2make skelefriends. adventurer took only thing that matter 2me:gem that sustain execrable necrosis. no point 2unlife ne more -@UtilityLimb | |
| 208 | + | % | |
| 209 | + | @Ingwit those owned, esp trash golems -@UtilityLimb | |
| 210 | + | % | |
| 211 | + | aging worldeater stymied by inexorable march of time, indigestible marsh of slime -@UtilityLimb | |
| 212 | + | % | |
| 213 | + | .@ingwit here thing. thing i did. not thing like what i normly do. words by @graeydaeve ! daeve i hope this ok w/u,ilu! http://bit.ly/b0mlUh -@UtilityLimb | |
| 214 | + | % | |
| 215 | + | @Ingwit :) thx turned out more normal than i intend but w/e. if you njoy weirdmusic info its microtonal, 7limit just intonation(1/3tones) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 216 | + | % | |
| 217 | + | @Mobute thak you, good luck on your journeys -@UtilityLimb | |
| 218 | + | % | |
| 219 | + | @Bro_Pair haha i didnt but if you want to go ahead?? you have the power+stats... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 220 | + | % | |
| 221 | + | @J_Chastain oh man you never saw that original post?? http://bit.ly/9oF9np do you mind if i do this for "we have all turned to metal men" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 222 | + | % | |
| 223 | + | @shrineshrine music right there! not work for you? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 224 | + | % | |
| 225 | + | @subsubsequence thank yuo :) i want to be in team thac0 too...! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 226 | + | % | |
| 227 | + | @kafkaesqueteen thank you friend! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 228 | + | % | |
| 229 | + | @acaringgirl thags :] you are caring! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 230 | + | % | |
| 231 | + | @graeydaeve thanks!! im happy you liked!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 232 | + | % | |
| 233 | + | @PlanetofFinks yeah i did, thanks! itd have been pretty lame if i just took someone else music for this -@UtilityLimb | |
| 234 | + | % | |
| 235 | + | Koyaaniscoochie #discountporn -@UtilityLimb | |
| 236 | + | % | |
| 237 | + | psst... secret bookworlds... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 238 | + | % | |
| 239 | + | RT @babywolfpupy: Cookie Monster: Me not know what is at the mountains of madness, hopefully it cookie -@UtilityLimb | |
| 240 | + | % | |
| 241 | + | chumbawamba, donna - laura palmer -@UtilityLimb | |
| 242 | + | % | |
| 243 | + | PEARL HARBOR, DEC 7 1941 -- NEW EVIDENCE PROVES LINK BETWEEN FASCIST ASIANS, KRAUTISM -@UtilityLimb | |
| 244 | + | % | |
| 245 | + | RT @J_Chastain: my horse stopped moving. had to check its insides. hate that place. empty rooms+hallways go nowhere. colossal horse face ... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 246 | + | % | |
| 247 | + | hovering leaf swarms begin to shed withered dead branches, trunks, birds. #ominousevents #autumnaldread -@UtilityLimb | |
| 248 | + | % | |
| 249 | + | .@mydxmproblem thanks but dont have webcam (visible spectrum light unpleasant, burning). usb sonar batcam belligerent and demanding grubs. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 250 | + | % | |
| 251 | + | @Mobute creatures made of actual mud misinterpret racist remarks, rise up+attack. war last an hour be4 they dry up+die out. bit of a letdown -@UtilityLimb | |
| 252 | + | % | |
| 253 | + | For Whom the Battletoads -@UtilityLimb | |
| 254 | + | % | |
| 255 | + | mycobaby migration. diaper spore diaspora. #nightmarenappy #fungalgehenna -@UtilityLimb | |
| 256 | + | % | |
| 257 | + | @Bro_Pair tonight i will be 5blogging you.*hands u a 5. u get excited, then realize its of no value here. a dead currency of an ancient lol* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 258 | + | % | |
| 259 | + | every #SNL skit so far parody same unknown event involving crying,vomiting millipedes.audience also cry,vomit millipedes. host: an urn -@UtilityLimb | |
| 260 | + | % | |
| 261 | + | military man open HUGE crate, discover predatorâ¦LOANS?! "what the-" *camera cut2robotically incinerated american lowerclass* #shippingmixups -@UtilityLimb | |
| 262 | + | % | |
| 263 | + | man operating medical waste incinerator in mastectomy ward was saying boob urns -@UtilityLimb | |
| 264 | + | % | |
| 265 | + | @brendlewhat homer: mmmm.... dessert of the real... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 266 | + | % | |
| 267 | + | RT @hoobastank_band: face all scraped up + goopy. dumpster diving not actual Real Thing. maybe if theres soft trashes. YMMV -@UtilityLimb | |
| 268 | + | % | |
| 269 | + | foolish contestant question rules of nickelodeon GUTS, carted off to AGGRO GULAG -@UtilityLimb | |
| 270 | + | % | |
| 271 | + | @hoobastank_band haha thanks dude, youve been owning at your twitter comeback -@UtilityLimb | |
| 272 | + | % | |
| 273 | + | @Bro_Pair a similar fate awaited those that were successfully pressured into smoking the weed slime by Narc Summers on Double D.A.R.E -@UtilityLimb | |
| 274 | + | % | |
| 275 | + | ancient netbook has secret power2alter reality thru wikivandalism. regret finding this out by turning mathteacher in2violent 600ft fartyturd -@UtilityLimb | |
| 276 | + | % | |
| 277 | + | @Ingwit thankYOU! have fun on sprezzatura adventure lots of unintentional hilarious forums w/useful sartorial info. attracts a creepy crowd -@UtilityLimb | |
| 278 | + | % | |
| 279 | + | @Bro_Pair no one cares about 3rd world child labor because double dare convinced us that kids love being submerged in slime for money -@UtilityLimb | |
| 280 | + | % | |
| 281 | + | i need some kind of music project to do for fun that i dont have2 obsess over the outcome of like i do w/my actual music. SUGGESTS WELCOMe -@UtilityLimb | |
| 282 | + | % | |
| 283 | + | @AGentleBrees lot of things+cant stick w/1 thing. all i have up right now is that graeydaeve song which is hyperdrama normly i do fun thigns -@UtilityLimb | |
| 284 | + | % | |
| 285 | + | RT @choadmalma: I wish in Resident Evil 1 Whesker was called Whiskers and it was a cat with sunglasses that everyone treated like a real ... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 286 | + | % | |
| 287 | + | @Ingwit for a very different reason i love hearing harry partch talk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWr_MOVIvj4 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 288 | + | % | |
| 289 | + | @Ingwit he own.grumpygay railhobo travel US,transcribe speechmelody in2microtone song+collect debris2build instruments that look like altars -@UtilityLimb | |
| 290 | + | % | |
| 291 | + | RT @extranapkins: Told my dog he could have a handful of pretzels, he was excited until he noticed he doesn't have any hands! Ha ha. He' ... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 292 | + | % | |
| 293 | + | 'please RT if we friends'? ok :) *siren go off let all know im BIG IDIOT who clicka traptweet* *snared&pelted w/ figs* *forced 2 eatabug* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 294 | + | % | |
| 295 | + | @Ingwit haruspicy determine this human mother womb contain horse, lyle, a haruhi spic -@UtilityLimb | |
| 296 | + | % | |
| 297 | + | baby wolf gogy -@UtilityLimb | |
| 298 | + | % | |
| 299 | + | political signs allova place here4guy name CRESPO. i laugh! try to explain2companions but they dont laugh. probly cant hear me inside cocoon -@UtilityLimb | |
| 300 | + | % | |
| 301 | + | @hoobastank_band lol is this from something -@UtilityLimb | |
| 302 | + | % | |
| 303 | + | @hoobastank_band lmao c/p: This scene is dedicated to Amazon.com, the largest Internet bookseller in the world. Amazon is amazing -@UtilityLimb | |
| 304 | + | % | |
| 305 | + | .@acaringgirl no musk at ground zero? in your dreams, gramps! #pitboys #fartwa -@UtilityLimb | |
| 306 | + | % | |
| 307 | + | i liked defunct penguin waddling off2 lonely end. whats good next herzog movie to see so far i seen that1, stroszek, my son my son, grizzly -@UtilityLimb | |
| 308 | + | % | |
| 309 | + | @leh0n qu'ran lagann -@UtilityLimb | |
| 310 | + | % | |
| 311 | + | @arby_crash @fielddayfits @notwritten @admiral_baby thank you! aguirre first then -@UtilityLimb | |
| 312 | + | % | |
| 313 | + | hey @medassureservic medicalwaste disposal co who follow me:do u charge dif price4dif species?messy mishap.hard2tell what man&what centipede -@UtilityLimb | |
| 314 | + | % | |
| 315 | + | too bored to read what seems to be another headline about tcot trolls u ignore the warning step outside only 2b disintegrated by beam-dogs -@UtilityLimb | |
| 316 | + | % | |
| 317 | + | CAN WE ALL AGREE ABOUT APPLES?? (TASTY) #tlot #tcot -@UtilityLimb | |
| 318 | + | % | |
| 319 | + | @Wood_Thrush haha yeah every time i try to tweet something im met with a big red -118 or so and feel kinda dumb -@UtilityLimb | |
| 320 | + | % | |
| 321 | + | build YOUR new world order just how YOU want it, at Bild-a-berg! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 322 | + | % | |
| 323 | + | @mekkanare do not want to upset fatbirdman :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 324 | + | % | |
| 325 | + | hey girl lemme see ur boobs *sudden ancestral memory surges of the protoboob. jellybreast splits in binary fission to form first rack* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 326 | + | % | |
| 327 | + | tumblr? i hardly know her (outside the idealized fantasy personality i project on her because we have similar artsy interests she RTs me) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 328 | + | % | |
| 329 | + | @eggo_addict the apple schism: which cider you on -@UtilityLimb | |
| 330 | + | % | |
| 331 | + | archaeologists make terrifying discovery: fossils of animate vicious medical equipment, proof of ancient hunter-catheter society -@UtilityLimb | |
| 332 | + | % | |
| 333 | + | The Failer Who Fell from Grace with the /B/ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 334 | + | % | |
| 335 | + | @Bro_Pair do it! allah will forgive any sin - except shrek -@UtilityLimb | |
| 336 | + | % | |
| 337 | + | snakedread prez lithify hard workin' taxpayers... pile bodies to build obamacairns... powers obtained as youth at radical islamic medusa... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 338 | + | % | |
| 339 | + | @Bro_Pair i wish i was a lion of allah / i spit on the kabbalah -@UtilityLimb | |
| 340 | + | % | |
| 341 | + | @Bro_Pair wish i had a girl in a hood by the kaaba -@UtilityLimb | |
| 342 | + | % | |
| 343 | + | @Bro_Pair hahaha theres too many good islam jokes but no one to get them (was proud of my shrek/shirk joke that fell on deaf ears) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 344 | + | % | |
| 345 | + | *collects rib, eye, ring, heart, and nail of saddam* WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO GAS THE KURDS -@UtilityLimb | |
| 346 | + | % | |
| 347 | + | @acaringgirl woah... johnny five mambos cameo in fallout: lou begas! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 348 | + | % | |
| 349 | + | @Ingwit google search after making that joke revealed 10 people already came up with fallout lou bega :( but zybourne angle is all bandit!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 350 | + | % | |
| 351 | + | My Bloody Clementine #veggiebands *RED LIGHT FLASH* *KLAXON HOWL* intercom booms: BI BANDIT NOT KNOW DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VEGETABLE AND FRUIT -@UtilityLimb | |
| 352 | + | % | |
| 353 | + | @Wood_Thrush zybourne clock existed before a coterie of fellow creatives existed to manifest it #watchmaker #yobweh -@UtilityLimb | |
| 354 | + | % | |
| 355 | + | @Ingwit its ok to decorate ones surroundings, its ok to decorate oneself. dont worry bout initial bad purchases thats how it goes at first! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 356 | + | % | |
| 357 | + | wikileak publish secret surprise USA b-day party docs. it was gonna be really nice. make USA feel good. now it all ruined. thanks a lot. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 358 | + | % | |
| 359 | + | @babywolfpupy ilu wolf dogy! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 360 | + | % | |
| 361 | + | @pyriphlegethon society brands you a criminal if you dare defy their sexual dichotomy. also if you commit banditry. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 362 | + | % | |
| 363 | + | great i open up my wallet and its full of blood!! the blood fiat ruin all my trousers :( why did i vote for The Fanged One -@UtilityLimb | |
| 364 | + | % | |
| 365 | + | cool way to come up with names in your fiction: cherrypick syllables from your artistic inspirations! try it with ozZY osBOURNE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 366 | + | % | |
| 367 | + | maybe everyone already figured that one out but its new to me so w/e -@UtilityLimb | |
| 368 | + | % | |
| 369 | + | Just generated a #TweetCloud, my top words are: [FORBIDDEN], [FORBIDDEN], [FORBIDDEN] - sigil://ĦÆÊ¡/ѬѨ (http://i56.tinypic.com/jsp0rt.png) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 370 | + | % | |
| 371 | + | oh my god... ANIME is about to get HOTTER! *five minutes go by nothing happen* .... false alarm... im really sory... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 372 | + | % | |
| 373 | + | @Wood_Thrush thank you what a helpful birdâ¦â¦!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 374 | + | % | |
| 375 | + | @Ingwit lmao -@UtilityLimb | |
| 376 | + | % | |
| 377 | + | @AGentleBrees 1) GREET PUMPKIN (REQ CHA: 8)2) DISPEL PUMPKIN (REQ GOURDOMANCY: 60) 3) CARVE BANKSY STENCIL (REQ AUTHORITY OPINION: FUCK U) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 378 | + | % | |
| 379 | + | what has two thumbs and isnt pointing to himself? *thumbs hover listless, unpointingly. question remain unanswered. an ice age pause occurs* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 380 | + | % | |
| 381 | + | @Ingwit ive always wanted to make a weird radio-drama w/ sound fx music. obv in podcast form, since this is the future. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 382 | + | % | |
| 383 | + | @Ingwit i feel that way always. unrelated: read that napoleon nova story and lol also it'd work well for that -@UtilityLimb | |
| 384 | + | % | |
| 385 | + | @Ingwit you have an email, ... ! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 386 | + | % | |
| 387 | + | @skipscrivener you son of a crap -@UtilityLimb | |
| 388 | + | % | |
| 389 | + | .@brendlewhat well SOME OF US care about mexican trick-or-treaters *gestures to candy bowl filled with jawbtakers* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 390 | + | % | |
| 391 | + | oh, another false dichotomy that turns a blind eye to the shades of gray? nice try, society, but the bi bandit shan't be voting. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 392 | + | % | |
| 393 | + | *struggles futilely in mass of vines* cool write-in vote a big mistake. did not know there was real guy named goku (kudzu party) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 394 | + | % | |
| 395 | + | @woodmuffin bone party gain 78 seats!! news man say they gonna take our bones?? "NO," scream Rep. Pillar Of Skulls (B-NY) "GOT ENOUGH BONE." -@UtilityLimb | |
| 396 | + | % | |
| 397 | + | @virgiltexas now you just need a beer, a cigar, and five aces -@UtilityLimb | |
| 398 | + | % | |
| 399 | + | The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of thier dreams-a guys senior quote in my HS yrbook who then fucked a 12y.o.&went2jail -@UtilityLimb | |
| 400 | + | % | |
| 401 | + | mcrib is back? oh uhâ¦coolâ¦â¦hm? no im fineâ¦its justâ¦ah nevermindâ¦*stares at pocket timer showing 4+ years since last sexy benny benassi vid* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 402 | + | % | |
| 403 | + | @eggo_addict i appreciate sacrifice you made. feel to good to see my name on computer screen. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 404 | + | % | |
| 405 | + | sound of ribcage opening, sound of endless clowns exiting clown car (which is somehow aurally discernible) #badthingstohearinsurgery -@UtilityLimb | |
| 406 | + | % | |
| 407 | + | @Mobute haha thank for printing joke i made on aim though it was the one of which im most embarassed. next time i give you real joke. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 408 | + | % | |
| 409 | + | "u just reached*sunglasses*the statue of limitations YEAA"- stone figure that was neither existent nor blocking only arbys exit a minute ago -@UtilityLimb | |
| 410 | + | % | |
| 411 | + | can grok a lot bout life from garfield symbology: mondays (sadness) infinite&unyielding, lasagna (joy) limited&dwindling #RedditQuotesFriday -@UtilityLimb | |
| 412 | + | % | |
| 413 | + | @Wood_Thrush lol @ your often-failed struggle to [indecipherable heap of letters and symbols listing all abilities of a functional human] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 414 | + | % | |
| 415 | + | Steamly punk Buck Mulligan came from the airship wearing a bowler helmet on which a laser and a gear were embossed. #NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb | |
| 416 | + | % | |
| 417 | + | @woodmuffin that was the OLD bible... *hands you 2k11 netbible feat. Christ the Retweeter opened to John 4:Loko* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 418 | + | % | |
| 419 | + | k, guess we made all possible jokes about that bev'. lets take a furloughko. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 420 | + | % | |
| 421 | + | @Bro_Pair FUR LOKO / FURHERLOKO / LEGO TC LOKO / GILBERT GOTTFRIED TAUGHT LESSON IN COMPASSION WHEN SHAMAN TURN HIM IN2 SLIME MOULD FOR 1DAY -@UtilityLimb | |
| 422 | + | % | |
| 423 | + | @Bro_Pair stephen king is intruder audibly collapsing into craft service table after 8th tranquilizer dart in background of commentary track -@UtilityLimb | |
| 424 | + | % | |
| 425 | + | pee wee: "you say secret word." it flash. screaming. now silence. pee wee slither away through sewer grate. another spire appear on horizon. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 426 | + | % | |
| 427 | + | .@hoobastank_band lol nice "deep" V *walks away as own v-neck plunges abyssal carving trench into street exposing ancient cistern beneath* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 428 | + | % | |
| 429 | + | @john_dracula attn slsk user "david tibette": u a girl? *takes blurry pic hiding fact that im a shirt+pants filled w/ 5000 hivemind earwigs* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 430 | + | % | |
| 431 | + | @eggo_addict @john_dracula "the dick ants got worse :(" - john ball ants -@UtilityLimb | |
| 432 | + | % | |
| 433 | + | @babywolfpupy the wolf name is wolfpupy? i been calling him *says forbidden name, incurs dog god wrath that ruin village popsicle harvest* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 434 | + | % | |
| 435 | + | #boringprequels the 80-something years before the dissolution of your consciousness into the waiting void -@UtilityLimb | |
| 436 | + | % | |
| 437 | + | is there a dating site that lets you mix&match parts of different peoples profiles to assemble a person you'd actually want to talk to -@UtilityLimb | |
| 438 | + | % | |
| 439 | + | @john_dracula unrelated are you ferrinus or did i just imagine that and instead youre just mystery person who was funny right out the gate -@UtilityLimb | |
| 440 | + | % | |
| 441 | + | @john_dracula weird i thought you him. oh well you are also funny! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 442 | + | % | |
| 443 | + | @woodmuffin maybe... i'm ferrinus AND bibandit?! no, im not. sentient spore clouds cant have multiple personality disorder (hollywood myth) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 444 | + | % | |
| 445 | + | @mydxmproblem @pyriphlegethon please do not laugh at my medical condition (abominitis) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 446 | + | % | |
| 447 | + | @Ingwit "you need some tri-sigh-click antidepressants!" - words on funny t-shirt that has no arm or head holes and is binding me in darkness -@UtilityLimb | |
| 448 | + | % | |
| 449 | + | nasa find virus engineered by pluto. turn body into fallen planet. pluto: "all must know shame of scorned moon. you brought this on selves." -@UtilityLimb | |
| 450 | + | % | |
| 451 | + | he's finally here!!!!! #ff @barnaclejim -@UtilityLimb | |
| 452 | + | % | |
| 453 | + | C-SPAN Begins #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb | |
| 454 | + | % | |
| 455 | + | Philosophy Major Payne #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb | |
| 456 | + | % | |
| 457 | + | Cisformers #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb | |
| 458 | + | % | |
| 459 | + | McSweeney Todd #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb | |
| 460 | + | % | |
| 461 | + | @AGentleBrees comes from back of my head! 2face noggin swivel like janus, front is girl mode but hidden boy mode rude&ready for neocon blood -@UtilityLimb | |
| 462 | + | % | |
| 463 | + | @j_chastain @agentlebrees <-- i agree with the wind but am unable to RT or grasp it. may my descendants destroy it in their gridlike future. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 464 | + | % | |
| 465 | + | sick damned crones they take my bones, blood-worms forever hurt me #sinisteraphorisms -@UtilityLimb | |
| 466 | + | % | |
| 467 | + | @woodmuffin you'r good at funnytags -@UtilityLimb | |
| 468 | + | % | |
| 469 | + | o'coil rules! o'coil rules! o'coil ru-*slips on banana peel and topples over banister* #johnbalancelastwords -@UtilityLimb | |
| 470 | + | % | |
| 471 | + | no, my speedruns are NOT tool-assisted... but my heart is. *flips off ex-gf's facebook wall as Ãnima repeats for the 4th time* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 472 | + | % | |
| 473 | + | Ian Curtis was found dead in his home with Iggy Pop on his turntable, Stroszek in his VCR, and "slint amv" in his Youtube search bar. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 474 | + | % | |
| 475 | + | wake up in the morning feelin like a giant oak tree / got 20 gnarled limbs and theres crows perched all over me -@UtilityLimb | |
| 476 | + | % | |
| 477 | + | not fallin for that abyssal apparel trick again. glowing girl in purple leggings just bait dangling off deep sea dov charneyfish forehead. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 478 | + | % | |
| 479 | + | @Wood_Thrush dov charney is a greasy reviled weirdo known for degrading&sexually harassing girls half his age *goes on to make obvious joke* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 480 | + | % | |
| 481 | + | @AGentleBrees same thing happen to me with a @degg post once, probably explain why all my childhood memories involve barnacle jim penis. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 482 | + | % | |
| 483 | + | GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME ANIME DESIRES -@UtilityLimb | |
| 484 | + | % | |
| 485 | + | SO YOU FINALLY KILLED YOURSELF???? // RT @Wood_Thrush Mosty Spooky Oinks⦠homage to the legend. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 486 | + | % | |
| 487 | + | dark ip addy override mod privs STOP every day update list of nonfictional anime chars resembling pyramids STOP anime reality imminent STOP -@UtilityLimb | |
| 488 | + | % | |
| 489 | + | er'ic cart'man: erotic cartilage man. "stop doing that er'ic cart'man voice. i am trying to forget. i can not forget." #lessercontractions -@UtilityLimb | |
| 490 | + | % | |
| 491 | + | you shut your mouth / how can you say / my yearbook photo can't be anime -@UtilityLimb | |
| 492 | + | % | |
| 493 | + | @mydxmproblem i am the son / and the heir / of a stepdad that is criminal and vulgar / he said my cool green hair / is not very spectacular -@UtilityLimb | |
| 494 | + | % | |
| 495 | + | here beneath the floorboards, in a mass grave of spent twitterforms lays ingwit. no, girl! put your ass away. not even that can wake him now -@UtilityLimb | |
| 496 | + | % | |
| 497 | + | i risk life&limb (schoolnight net blackout) to tweet in solidarity yet you wont march on my stepdad? enjoy your freedom egypt. it wont last. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 498 | + | % | |
| 499 | + | I enjoy basking under my heat lamp on this rock. And that one. #BRENDLEGECKO -@UtilityLimb | |
| 500 | + | % | |
| 501 | + | see my last tweet was kinda a spoonerism. glenn beck changes to blenn geck which sounds l-*starts molting* no no NO not in public again!!!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 502 | + | % | |
| 503 | + | @J_Chastain Male Gaze And Its Permeation Into This Level Where Mario Battles 3 Cutmans And 2 F-Zeros In The Mezzanine 'Twixt Sleep And Wake -@UtilityLimb | |
| 504 | + | % | |
| 505 | + | a skeleton... made entirely... of bones!! #rejectedominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 506 | + | % | |
| 507 | + | you left this map out making me waste hours digging for uriel septims tank its just a tiny sewer level?! no gary ill show MYSELF the door. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 508 | + | % | |
| 509 | + | and the award for Guy Whose Name Is The Physical Act Of Being Forcibly Submerged In A Vat Of Eels goes toaaAAAAAAAAA [gurgling] [fanfare] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 510 | + | % | |
| 511 | + | @WeatherAsHell did i? where from -@UtilityLimb | |
| 512 | + | % | |
| 513 | + | "yo girl gimme some CORN WOES" - me, to hairdresser, immediately before a 3-hour corn bludgeoning left me paralyzed from neck down -@UtilityLimb | |
| 514 | + | % | |
| 515 | + | help @oscars tiny gold prize man mad w/ ravenous hunger. cant hide much longer. my greatest achievement in foley art now my worst nightmare. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 516 | + | % | |
| 517 | + | WELCOME, TRAVELERâ¦TO THE MOST MADDENING OF ALL MY TWISTED REALMS... THE EGG TOMBS!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES A TRAY LIKE THIS IN EVERY FRIDGE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 518 | + | % | |
| 519 | + | still crying+hyperventilating. will never do a prank drive-thru order again. how was i supposed to know McSpine is a real thing -@UtilityLimb | |
| 520 | + | % | |
| 521 | + | dracena trending... this is what we always feared... only sunlight/stakes can stop john cena now... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 522 | + | % | |
| 523 | + | where does the city end? where do i begin? there are no distinctions. all is pizza. i have no mouth and the roof of it is burned #pizzatown -@UtilityLimb | |
| 524 | + | % | |
| 525 | + | New rug art piece protesting "You're Not Allowed On The Couch" laws debuted by Barksy -@UtilityLimb | |
| 526 | + | % | |
| 527 | + | got a gut feeling i stole that joke from somewhere so if someone could let me know where that would just be great -@UtilityLimb | |
| 528 | + | % | |
| 529 | + | @ABigBagOfKeys oh so just because i am a white nerd who likes videogames+the internet i must know how to rap huh? EXTREMELY offensive.... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 530 | + | % | |
| 531 | + | @woodmuffin you guys played w/ custom cards and i missed it?? we need a yadpassword so room isnt full if i dont join within 1min of tweet :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 532 | + | % | |
| 533 | + | in the movie speed the bus hit a baby carriage but only cans come out. how did the baby do that and what are his powers now -@UtilityLimb | |
| 534 | + | % | |
| 535 | + | yes i regret the holocaust remarks now but PLEASE understand i was under the impression ADL stood for Anime Defamation League -@UtilityLimb | |
| 536 | + | % | |
| 537 | + | DO NOT click "Microsoft Word speedrun(FUNNY)" vid! earths entire existence past+FUTURE typed in 1m36s. foresight of the end times unbearable -@UtilityLimb | |
| 538 | + | % | |
| 539 | + | RT @rap_ebooks Descending the staircase behind the crisper drawer, Tupac found himself in a much larger fridge. "I have been here in dreams, -@UtilityLimb | |
| 540 | + | % | |
| 541 | + | @J_Chastain thank you for MK: the comic that make me 2nd guess all my jokes wondering if i stole them from MK or from a dream about MK -@UtilityLimb | |
| 542 | + | % | |
| 543 | + | @brendlewhat Ha, what ISN'T "up" about gas prices!! 2 minutes ago via Self Contained Pod Filled W/ Stimuli Slime in reply to brendlewhat -@UtilityLimb | |
| 544 | + | % | |
| 545 | + | My Leatherman® can fix it! [naked man flops onto floor. thick leathery skin has overgrown his body, binding his mouth&limbs. he is weeping] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 546 | + | % | |
| 547 | + | RT @spider_ebooks Clearly, one (1) ton of spiders proves a sounder investment than its weight in gold, at least in terms of parental discipl -@UtilityLimb | |
| 548 | + | % | |
| 549 | + | yes terry our job IS just to make them but shouldn't we tell someone about this order for 6,000,000,000 "BONESLAVE" novelty license plates? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 550 | + | % | |
| 551 | + | @Orbicularis thank you! though keep in mind my dietary restriction tags: Raw, Gluten-Free, Local, Chitin-Based -@UtilityLimb | |
| 552 | + | % | |
| 553 | + | @woodmuffin ohhh you wanted crab legs TO EAT! look i threw out your old ones but calm down youll get the hang of walking on these in no time -@UtilityLimb | |
| 554 | + | % | |
| 555 | + | Powerman 5000 is a weird name but a great endocrinologist -@UtilityLimb | |
| 556 | + | % | |
| 557 | + | CENTER OF HUGE CADMIUM DEPOSIT, Subterra (AP) - DIEBOLD PLEDGES TO DELIVER 2012 ELECTION TO ALL 5000 POWERMANS. POWERMEn. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 558 | + | % | |
| 559 | + | Full House Reboot: The Tanners are played by wasp nests and the set doors are locked. Filmed in front of a live studio audience #sitcomideas -@UtilityLimb | |
| 560 | + | % | |
| 561 | + | MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU TSUNAMI. ONE DAY WE WILL DESTROY THIS HORRIBLE SPHERE. *PLUMMETS TO EARTH CREATING HUGE CRATER + UNBELIEVABLE DEATH* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 562 | + | % | |
| 563 | + | *flails utility limb, mashing all 17 buttons on my communications implant* [17 voices yell in unison]: THIS EVENT MAKE YOU THINK. 2012=REAL? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 564 | + | % | |
| 565 | + | the jet black 800-foot walls lined with unknown skulls depress me too honey but we both agreed WAR CUBE was the best house we could afford -@UtilityLimb | |
| 566 | + | % | |
| 567 | + | @graeyalien in a Just World john balance+davey tibet would fly around on a cool pyramid singing your tweets 24/7 (netcast) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 568 | + | % | |
| 569 | + | @woodmuffin thanks i was secretly quite proud of it :] *daps you w/ utility limb, getting vines and rotten bird eggs all over your hand* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 570 | + | % | |
| 571 | + | @Bro_Pair Next Week On Prairie Home Companion I Get Arrested When Garrison Keillor Doesn't Appreciate My Monster Killers Dreamcatcher, Arson -@UtilityLimb | |
| 572 | + | % | |
| 573 | + | @mydxmproblem Genesis P Orridge renames you "Dhann Not-Killed-In-World's-Most-Gruesome-Fishhook-Accident" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 574 | + | % | |
| 575 | + | @Harass_Grandpa and now you know why it was so sad how Peter "Sleepy" Christopherson died :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 576 | + | % | |
| 577 | + | one touch two touch bad touch wood thrush #higherstakeschildrensbooks -@UtilityLimb | |
| 578 | + | % | |
| 579 | + | @woodmuffin the old man and the sea -> the old man ate the sea | horseback riding -> horse's back, writhing | a full moon --> awful moon -@UtilityLimb | |
| 580 | + | % | |
| 581 | + | hidden warp pipe in simpsons dvd menu take me to the negative seasons!! can tell theyre super funny even tho i dont speak sumerian -@UtilityLimb | |
| 582 | + | % | |
| 583 | + | the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person -@UtilityLimb | |
| 584 | + | % | |
| 585 | + | @brendlewhat Mentally you picture Nate Dogg, but I have not told you the type of Dogg which I have. Perhaps you even picture Warren G -@UtilityLimb | |
| 586 | + | % | |
| 587 | + | FEED ME ORE #threewordstoliveby -@UtilityLimb | |
| 588 | + | % | |
| 589 | + | @woodmuffin thats been my fav picture for many years :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 590 | + | % | |
| 591 | + | YouTube - A Guy Take A Pic Of His Face Every Day For 10,000 Years And At The End He Look Like Your New Owl. Hey Where'd You Buy An Owl? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 592 | + | % | |
| 593 | + | FUCKING SICK OF HOSpital staff&police ignorance toward experimental music. here in SOVIET OHIO circuit bending a ventilator = manslaughter.. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 594 | + | % | |
| 595 | + | 83 polaroids of me getting ejected from dif. Arbys for wearing The Bug Diaper. for the next 17, the future is yet unwrittenâ¦#100factsaboutme -@UtilityLimb | |
| 596 | + | % | |
| 597 | + | ohhh i thought you said to rent THE WEBDINGS SINGER!! *huge bomb and pointing-finger symbols fly out of adam sandlers mouth, killing 1000s* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 598 | + | % | |
| 599 | + | @Bro_Pair you could say... Love Will Chair Us Apart *tightens noose and kicks chair out from under myself...twice* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 600 | + | % | |
| 601 | + | @Bro_Pair when is ian curtis going to california? *horns.aiff plays but last note rises until its loud+high enough to shatter my glasses* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 602 | + | % | |
| 603 | + | "My hands are registered as Lethal Weapons" - VHS golem guarding entrance to Blockbuster ruins 2046ad -@UtilityLimb | |
| 604 | + | % | |
| 605 | + | cut out all cereal mascots open mouths formed them into gate. unprepared for the Milk Zone within. bones soggy, dissolving. this is my end -@UtilityLimb | |
| 606 | + | % | |
| 607 | + | celeb tabloids only reporting which famous mountains are eating too much expanding rapidly. AP reporting it too #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb | |
| 608 | + | % | |
| 609 | + | please hurry @favstar. need to know who likes my tweets about the absurd fever dream that is modern man's perception of value+fulfillment -@UtilityLimb | |
| 610 | + | % | |
| 611 | + | Keep horking, I'm revolting -@UtilityLimb | |
| 612 | + | % | |
| 613 | + | @woodmuffin i have lots of skin!! i keep it in my basement -@UtilityLimb | |
| 614 | + | % | |
| 615 | + | @OFFICIALpizza thank you but it'd lose its pizazz if my forearm read "667" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 616 | + | % | |
| 617 | + | What Did Taco PLay At Carnival? Guac-A-Mole! for more joke see my fake celeb twitter here inside screeching cave that emanate snake shadows -@UtilityLimb | |
| 618 | + | % | |
| 619 | + | turns out this mystery porn where you have to unravel how&why its porn is not porn at all. planetarium staff bein real jerks about it too :/ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 620 | + | % | |
| 621 | + | "Enjoy the laughs, Cosmo. For they shall be... your last!" said Dark Kramer as he placed the klan hood on the voodoo doll -@UtilityLimb | |
| 622 | + | % | |
| 623 | + | last entry in tattered, bloodstained antiquing blog: ALL AROUND US NOW. MORE CRESTING HORIZON. "ANCIENT HAIR LOOMS" SIGN NOT MISSPELLED -@UtilityLimb | |
| 624 | + | % | |
| 625 | + | "I shall face my demons on the Battlescape of the mind" said Kramer as he charged up did Cosmo Power Slide through The Doors of Perception -@UtilityLimb | |
| 626 | + | % | |
| 627 | + | each sphere of BurritoGeist techniques is powered by its corresponding SauceGem (Mild/Hot/Fire), which you can find- hm? no i dont work here -@UtilityLimb | |
| 628 | + | % | |
| 629 | + | criminals dont care when pelted w/ hungry ratties. shoulda come up w/ hero power idea 1st ¬ based it all on "MICE TO EAT YOU" catchphrase -@UtilityLimb | |
| 630 | + | % | |
| 631 | + | Dog just poop again! Facebook not only thing that need DISLIKE BUTTON! *lifts shirt to reveal huge smiley-shaped wound that keeps winking* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 632 | + | % | |
| 633 | + | netfame a double edged sword. all my fav romhacks retweeting me but also rearranging my inside levels (breathing/digesting impossibly hard) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 634 | + | % | |
| 635 | + | it was over the fucking line to say my cat is "The Bud Light of Cats" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 636 | + | % | |
| 637 | + | should've actually read Criterion Cat Weekly before submitting my cat for review. 100+ pages comparing cat vital fluids to the taste of wine -@UtilityLimb | |
| 638 | + | % | |
| 639 | + | i have journeyed beyond the limits of human consciousness but wu-tang chambers 28 through 36 are mostly empty with lots of missing textures -@UtilityLimb | |
| 640 | + | % | |
| 641 | + | @Bro_Pair >use HANGAR on STOVE for LIKE 1800 SECONDS -@UtilityLimb | |
| 642 | + | % | |
| 643 | + | Wu-Tang Chamber #1 (Tunnels) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 644 | + | % | |
| 645 | + | dog knows CPR but won't give it to you #newstereotypes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 646 | + | % | |
| 647 | + | a red-tusked teether! a cloven-hoofed crawler! a scaly-diapered screecher! how many more extinct species of baby live on this weird island?! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 648 | + | % | |
| 649 | + | Insaneclownpossea Brown and the Case of the Employment-Hindering Tattoo -@UtilityLimb | |
| 650 | + | % | |
| 651 | + | @J_Chastain here in dreary futurescape of TERRORWOLF'S 8-PHONELINE BBS we spend our entire lives inside 100' cubes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 652 | + | % | |
| 653 | + | take my cool ghostface killah. i don't have any nugs. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 654 | + | % | |
| 655 | + | Factual Errors: Gender reassignment surgery can not be performed on a car bomb to disarm it. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 656 | + | % | |
| 657 | + | "IF INGESTED CONTACT POISON CONTROL IMMEDIATELY" ahahaha nice try, bleach warning label, but i know what today is ;) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 658 | + | % | |
| 659 | + | COOL FOOL PRANK: label 3 pigs '1' '2' and '4' and be so physically repulsive even your family peers just assume you're '3' -@UtilityLimb | |
| 660 | + | % | |
| 661 | + | @MikesRadTwites PRANK: label three final fantasies 4, 6, and 7. now watch a bunch of moron gaijins not know you had to import FF5 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 662 | + | % | |
| 663 | + | label 3 pigs Eender, Fender, Hender and watch the heteronormatives scramble to find what doesn't exist -@UtilityLimb | |
| 664 | + | % | |
| 665 | + | APRIL FOOLS DAY HAS BEEN OVER FOR 13 AGONIZING HOURS NOW PLEASE LET ME BACK INTO THE CHASING AMY WEBRING!!!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 666 | + | % | |
| 667 | + | build a south korea south of your school. now the teachers and bullies are in north korea suffering horrible famine. #lifehacks -@UtilityLimb | |
| 668 | + | % | |
| 669 | + | GREAT b-day haul!! got a ring with my birthstone (opal) a network of sectors + zones filled with my birthgas (nerve) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 670 | + | % | |
| 671 | + | .@tacobell lost for 6 days now in floors 70-80 of Taco Tower Value Meal. not even any food in here. just traps. why do you sell this -@UtilityLimb | |
| 672 | + | % | |
| 673 | + | Hail To The Chimp 2: Shale To The Chimp not a kids movie at all!! they beat crush chimp with rocks for 2hrs!! PLEASE someone help chimp :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 674 | + | % | |
| 675 | + | hmm... seems your HMO will cover the basic ultrasound but you'll have to pay out-of-pocket for bloom fx rag doll baby physics -@UtilityLimb | |
| 676 | + | % | |
| 677 | + | for 3 years now everyone's old friendster pages have been posting in languages no one speaks on pictures of us in places we've never been -@UtilityLimb | |
| 678 | + | % | |
| 679 | + | not only did my school think i was human when really i was otherkin (sonic born in man body), but that i was obese when really #iwasthinkin -@UtilityLimb | |
| 680 | + | % | |
| 681 | + | "no one man should have all matt lauer" but i do&all 60 lauer cards in my today show magic the gathering deck are dominating this lunchtable -@UtilityLimb | |
| 682 | + | % | |
| 683 | + | @Wood_Thrush you laugh because i'm different. i don't laugh and am respectfully silent. let's end cyberbullying make the net a better place. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 684 | + | % | |
| 685 | + | that's gay as hell dude... [later, in hospital burn ward]: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNEW THERE WAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL BEING NAMED "HELL DUDE" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 686 | + | % | |
| 687 | + | In. Four Point One Miles. Turn Right. At. East Main Strrrzzï½zkï½ssï½sï½ï½ï½ ＩＮ ＯＮＥ ＰＯＩＮＴ ＳＳＳＳＥＶＥＮ ï¼ï¼©ï¼¬ï¼¥ï¼³ï¼³ï¼³ ＴＵＲＮ ＬＥＦＴ ＩＮＴＯ ＧＩＡＮＴ ï¼ï¼¥ï¼´ï¼¡ï¼¬ ＳＳＳＳＮＡＫＥ ï¼ï¼¡ï¼· -@UtilityLimb | |
| 688 | + | % | |
| 689 | + | Steam Bullying -@UtilityLimb | |
| 690 | + | % | |
| 691 | + | i know it's nerdy to use hashtags outside of twitter but i felt it was important to mention #BeybladeManslaughterRegrets during my trial -@UtilityLimb | |
| 692 | + | % | |
| 693 | + | it's a jump to conclusions cliff! with CONCLUSIONS you can JUMP TO [winding river in valley below spells out "my fansub empire has fallen"] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 694 | + | % | |
| 695 | + | ~â¥â¥â¥~ GRANDMA LOVES HER SPECIAL GRANDSON ~â¥â¥â¥~ BUT NEEDS HER PILLS TO LIVE ~â¥â¥â¥~ PLEASE UN-"ROMHACK" THE MEDICINE CABINET ~â¥â¥â¥~ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 696 | + | % | |
| 697 | + | disparity between "net weight" and "gross weight" observed during first encounter with girl from net -@UtilityLimb | |
| 698 | + | % | |
| 699 | + | we woke up one morning and fell a little further down, for sure it's the valley of death. i open up my wallet and it's full of spring snakes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 700 | + | % | |
| 701 | + | i meant "score touchdowns with good passes" when i said "destroy their team with perfect spirals" but those vortexes are cool too, MATHSKULL -@UtilityLimb | |
| 702 | + | % | |
| 703 | + | the best thing about working here is the gigantic arm on the roof that picks up lesser buildings and throws them into the sea -@UtilityLimb | |
| 704 | + | % | |
| 705 | + | The system goes online Aug. 4th, 1997. Human contact is removed from system interaction. Shynet begins to edit wikipedia at a geometric rate -@UtilityLimb | |
| 706 | + | % | |
| 707 | + | free-spirited baby builds solar-powered diaper-changer and lives "off the crib" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 708 | + | % | |
| 709 | + | putting cool gothic steeples everywhere was my trademark as an architect and i'll be damned if i change that now that i'm a plastic surgeon -@UtilityLimb | |
| 710 | + | % | |
| 711 | + | that's reverse racism *guy driving racism truck puts it in reverse and backs over me and the other whites helping to push it out of a ditch* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 712 | + | % | |
| 713 | + | STOP pouring out muscle milk 40s to honor your fallen bros!! curb outside the gym dangerously swole and veiny, impossible to navigate -@UtilityLimb | |
| 714 | + | % | |
| 715 | + | Can't believe the hateful ignorance at this Osama death party. I'm not a "baby" bald eagle. The diaper isn't part of the costume. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 716 | + | % | |
| 717 | + | australia's distinctive kidney-like shape inspired the british to use it as a renal colony -@UtilityLimb | |
| 718 | + | % | |
| 719 | + | you ever see the back of a dungeon master's guide... ON MEAD?! #BadInvites -@UtilityLimb | |
| 720 | + | % | |
| 721 | + | yes you "put the MOTH back in MOTHER'S DAY" but please take it back out!! sunlight unable to penetrate the mothosphere. our crops are dying -@UtilityLimb | |
| 722 | + | % | |
| 723 | + | @woodmuffin *ties rope coming out of my pants to rocket* for centuries, man could only dream of murdering his balls into the castratosphere⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 724 | + | % | |
| 725 | + | DOGS--- They call me 3 Wise Men 'cause I brought treats and keep asking who's the Good Boy :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 726 | + | % | |
| 727 | + | SLOW DOWN!! that's an unmarked cop, see the spotlight growing out his neck? [cop starts screaming while his eyes spin flash red/blue] FUCK -@UtilityLimb | |
| 728 | + | % | |
| 729 | + | oh COOL! turns out that meter is the crib's limit break bar! kinda wish i hadn't found that out when my son was in it tho. grieving real bad -@UtilityLimb | |
| 730 | + | % | |
| 731 | + | nice Q4 expense report... faggot *loads up presentation featuring Excel 2k'11 Exclusive Pre-Order DLC Data Column (Skin: NightFax)* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 732 | + | % | |
| 733 | + | that pronunciation book guy is starting to creep me out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdYlmamudFo -@UtilityLimb | |
| 734 | + | % | |
| 735 | + | hey what's a slug's least favorite music? SALTernative! [muffled laughter is heard from dimebag's "grave"] hahah i KNEW you were faking it -@UtilityLimb | |
| 736 | + | % | |
| 737 | + | bURY ME RIGHT-SIDE-UP WHEN I DIE SO THE FUCKED UP HOLLOW EARTH WORLD THAT I CAN PROVE EXISTS (SEE MY TUMBLR) CAN KISS MY ASS -@UtilityLimb | |
| 738 | + | % | |
| 739 | + | Brutalism Is My Favorite Architectural Style And Also Dog Petting Technique -@UtilityLimb | |
| 740 | + | % | |
| 741 | + | after learning that my definition of a "hipster" was entirely wrong, i have renamed my blog accordingly: www.LookAtThisFuckingSaltMarsh.com -@UtilityLimb | |
| 742 | + | % | |
| 743 | + | @woodmuffin my legs are so skinny, i egret that i got addicted to heron :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 744 | + | % | |
| 745 | + | ha ha ha i'm the mayor and i spent NIGHT CITY's entire budget on fog machines! yeah try to impeach me *vanishes into dark smoky alley AGAIN* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 746 | + | % | |
| 747 | + | While his daughter remained unaffected by the years of abuse, her stick figure likeness on the back of Dorian Gray's SUV did not... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 748 | + | % | |
| 749 | + | EASTER EGG: drag the google street view dude onto a pic of a sleeping friend to enter his dream explore his deepest fears in full panorama -@UtilityLimb | |
| 750 | + | % | |
| 751 | + | i am back but do not wish to discuss what i found in the vine-covered ruins of the worlds largest hummer limo (500 feet wide / 9 miles deep) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 752 | + | % | |
| 753 | + | titanic bro wrecked by natty iceberg -@UtilityLimb | |
| 754 | + | % | |
| 755 | + | "this is DOPE dude but its more of a ManAbyss than a ManCave, y'know?" - me, plummeting watching the game on a 78" tv (also plummeting) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 756 | + | % | |
| 757 | + | A screaming deep in the mouth tunnels. Teeth Miner's pickax dislodges a vein of enamel ore. A swarm of tongues fails to defend their hive. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 758 | + | % | |
| 759 | + | all cars with rear-view cameras make youtube accounts and subscribe to each other, liking any video where the car backs over a dog or child -@UtilityLimb | |
| 760 | + | % | |
| 761 | + | #askobama whats the opposite of pareidolia how do i stop the faceless ones from screaming "AN ENERGY DRINK⦠FOR YOUR IPHONE!!" over over -@UtilityLimb | |
| 762 | + | % | |
| 763 | + | installed TrapOS on my netbook and now half my folders just have a skull gif inside that gives me a severe electric shock upon loading -@UtilityLimb | |
| 764 | + | % | |
| 765 | + | man blogs the merits of "Living Off The Grid" while living off McRib -@UtilityLimb | |
| 766 | + | % | |
| 767 | + | "DEVOURED BY THE INFINITE SNAKE" not a very good death sentence. been following the body for miles now and still haven't found the mouth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 768 | + | % | |
| 769 | + | Heather Levine and 6 other's friends just posted cries for help in Facebook Darkened Place! Do not try to aid them. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 770 | + | % | |
| 771 | + | the sign reads: "YOU CROSSING". you run over a small car driven by a small you. a huge you crushes you in its huge car. #ominousstreetsigns -@UtilityLimb | |
| 772 | + | % | |
| 773 | + | We had time to regret bombing Casual Male XL into a million pieces, it took days for the million Casual Male XXXXXXSs to eat us cell by cell -@UtilityLimb | |
| 774 | + | % | |
| 775 | + | "Give back Bandit's gold medal, he did not use performance-enhancing bugs" - the Olympic Tweet Committee, as I held them captive at bugpoint -@UtilityLimb | |
| 776 | + | % | |
| 777 | + | man i know he says Dark Dog is the one leaving the turds everywhere but i am like 90% certain Dark Dog isn't real and Regular Dog is lying -@UtilityLimb | |
| 778 | + | % | |
| 779 | + | I DID NOT KNOW @HugeCgiFaceFromThatBoneThugsNHarmonyVid WAS A VERIFIED ACCOUNT WHEN I OFFERED IT $6 TO APPEAR ON MY WALLS EAT MY FURNITURE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 780 | + | % | |
| 781 | + | 148 friends just liked every one of your facebook photos where you can see into your ear. their profile pictures are all earwigs. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 782 | + | % | |
| 783 | + | closer inspection reveals club full of bros in affliction shirts just club full of bros in regular shirts being eaten by winged skulls -@UtilityLimb | |
| 784 | + | % | |
| 785 | + | thankful for @boyscouts work lowering homeless rate by 98% but still waiting for explanation regarding new "BONE SMELTING" merit badges -@UtilityLimb | |
| 786 | + | % | |
| 787 | + | gucci in the kaaba chanting all 99 manes of gucci -@UtilityLimb | |
| 788 | + | % | |
| 789 | + | SEXT: fired from guard job at ooze factory when 3 stacked slime blobs posing as man in hat+trenchcoat trick me eat all the company ooze :( -@UtilityLimb | |
| 790 | + | % | |
| 791 | + | @Arr seattle space needle waitstaff watching me die of starvation but refusing to stop serving burgers impaled atop impossibly tall spires -@UtilityLimb | |
| 792 | + | % | |
| 793 | + | Ecto-Cooler fondly remembered by Uncool Endomorph -@UtilityLimb | |
| 794 | + | % | |
| 795 | + | dude accusing me of argumentum ad hominem quickly silenced when i lift my shirt and commit argumentum ab perfectum -@UtilityLimb | |
| 796 | + | % | |
| 797 | + | at a starting line. no blood drawn, just poured into moaning race cars made of pulsing muscles+veins. this BLOOD DRIVE not what i expected -@UtilityLimb | |
| 798 | + | % | |
| 799 | + | netflix will mail you ducks w/ QWAKSTER :D *tweet accidentally uncovers huge underground duck smuggling operation. im found beaked to death* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 800 | + | % | |
| 801 | + | all 100,000 youtubes recording the sudden weird slurpy/oozing sound outside taken down due to dmca complaint by CONGLOMERATED LEECHES CORP. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 802 | + | % | |
| 803 | + | "ugh, there arent murders in my backyard. its like a woodshed" - me, EVERY FUCKING TIME i tell someone theyre being taken to The Blood Shed -@UtilityLimb | |
| 804 | + | % | |
| 805 | + | Ingredients: aqua (water, eau), stearic acid, glycerin, â°â°â° WIT©H Hâ²ZEL â°â°â°, lavender extract, -@UtilityLimb | |
| 806 | + | % | |
| 807 | + | .@McDonaldsCorp refusing to supersize shows up on receipt as "[EVIL DIALOG OPTION]"? now im hissing+slithering uncontrollably whats going on -@UtilityLimb | |
| 808 | + | % | |
| 809 | + | Amendment 69: Keep track so we don't accidentally make an amendment 69 until we come up with something sick as hell for it #FailedAmendments -@UtilityLimb | |
| 810 | + | % | |
| 811 | + | trickle-down economics is what happens when you put the invisible hand of the sleeping market in some warm water -@UtilityLimb | |
| 812 | + | % | |
| 813 | + | @brendlewhat "Why Is Obama Regulating The Market When He Can't Even Keep Me Regular" Asks Constipated Elderly Man -@UtilityLimb | |
| 814 | + | % | |
| 815 | + | Mario and Sonic just decimate my ass hole classmates in what I call a "pROM Hack" #TerriblePromThemes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 816 | + | % | |
| 817 | + | @J_Chastain the last 20 weird al singles were all called "I WANT A NEW BLOOD" so were his last 20 last meal requests (he keeps respawning) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 818 | + | % | |
| 819 | + | strange cult-like political cartoonist gang terrorizes the streets. my son and dog now labeled "KEYNESIAN DREAD" and "WELFARE TUNNELS" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 820 | + | % | |
| 821 | + | i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. keeps craning. head unscrews entirely. out of the hole pour jewels mysteries* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 822 | + | % | |
| 823 | + | Putting the Post-Op back in Post-Apocalyptic #NaNoWriMoTaglines -@UtilityLimb | |
| 824 | + | % | |
| 825 | + | we don't know how long the dollar bill eye has been on top of the food pyramid. we just eat it as we're told (sparingly) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 826 | + | % | |
| 827 | + | i love this old school pixel art style! [scoops up eats the primordial ooze all life has reverted to] fuckin zelda man! [dies in volcano] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 828 | + | % | |
| 829 | + | some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 830 | + | % | |
| 831 | + | he descends with no snacks, just a miner's lamp and a pistol. hours later he limps out of the vending machine. it's fully restocked. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 832 | + | % | |
| 833 | + | siskels 2012 reviews just shit like YOULL LAUGH SO HARD YOU MURDER/FEEL GOOD MURDER OF THE SUMMER cant be deleted off IMDB or my voicemail -@UtilityLimb | |
| 834 | + | % | |
| 835 | + | Diaper Council, I must confess: the Diaper Pharaoh is a fake. I just ate the top leg bandages off a mummy. [No one boos. No one is there.] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 836 | + | % | |
| 837 | + | found 4 sectors deep inside netflix core: a 2006 eazy-e film that rips off "friday" except eazy's trapped alone in a mine. 82,000 minutes. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 838 | + | % | |
| 839 | + | front side of flyer: "HOW TO KEEP WALL STREET OCCUPIED" IN 72PT FONT | back: A LOT OF COOL ACTIVITIES (MAZES, PUZZLES, COLORING) + KIDS MENU -@UtilityLimb | |
| 840 | + | % | |
| 841 | + | THE KRUMPSTER ISNT A DUDE RENOWNED FOR KRUMPING BUT IN FACT A DUMPSTER FULL OF DEAD KRUMPERS - warning krumped in blood outside temple ruins -@UtilityLimb | |
| 842 | + | % | |
| 843 | + | BEST SELLING STOCK PHOTOS: [man crying, bugs by feet], [man crying, legs submerged in bugs], [man crying, up to neck in bugs], [just bugs] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 844 | + | % | |
| 845 | + | CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS inscribed on the Statue of Cleanliness. next to it: a statue bodyslamming the concept of disrespecting apps -@UtilityLimb | |
| 846 | + | % | |
| 847 | + | for each retweet we will donate one (1) DISCOMFORT SNAKE into @j_chastain's vital tubing next time he is this tardy updating monsterkillers -@UtilityLimb | |
| 848 | + | % | |
| 849 | + | smallest pixel grid on which a skull can be drawn is 5x4. largest is 15,000x12,000 (any larger and skull will overpower+consume its creator) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 850 | + | % | |
| 851 | + | girl⦠*taking off shirt* lemme show ya why it called HUMP day *camel humps grow all over my body. im a lumpy fleshball. i roll into a ditch* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 852 | + | % | |
| 853 | + | all new threadless tees got a pic of you wearing a shirt with the same pic on it. in each recursion you're 20 years older with 20 more teeth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 854 | + | % | |
| 855 | + | HONORING STEVE BY GETTING EJECTED FROM ARBYS FOR ILLEGALLY OPTIMIZING BURGERFLOW USING HYPERCARD. IVE HONORED HIM THIS WAY DAILY FOR 19YEARS -@UtilityLimb | |
| 856 | + | % | |
| 857 | + | real cookie monster is blue+fuzzy like on sesame street except IRL he's spread out over my old bread and causes BAD tummy ruckus when eaten -@UtilityLimb | |
| 858 | + | % | |
| 859 | + | a dog's nose is his doorbell, don't push it *DINGWOOF* dude what did i JUST SAY [hatch opens on top of dog. a smaller dog pops his head out] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 860 | + | % | |
| 861 | + | NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT ADMITTING HOMOSEXUALITY. CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO THE OTHER MILLIPEDES COMING OUT MY SINUSES -@UtilityLimb | |
| 862 | + | % | |
| 863 | + | a weathered pentium. hollowed oak in desktop background hides a folder within. chatlogs of a young love. a lost love. a tragedy. a skull gif -@UtilityLimb | |
| 864 | + | % | |
| 865 | + | parrotfish can imitate voices perfectly but only things people say while drowning -@UtilityLimb | |
| 866 | + | % | |
| 867 | + | why does facebook keep recommending i add "THE STRANGER" and how does he keep tagging himself in my peripheral vision -@UtilityLimb | |
| 868 | + | % | |
| 869 | + | the worst file spill in history as DATA TANKER capsizes. thousands of hermit crabs found wearing CYBER CRIMES for shells. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 870 | + | % | |
| 871 | + | dude the 9 of dogs isn't a real card. even if it was, it'd be like, an actual card. you just drew a 9 on my dog. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 872 | + | % | |
| 873 | + | stop asking siri if it's genesises or geneses. there's no amount of segas you can bribe the cop with to get back your "CRIME DIAPERS" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 874 | + | % | |
| 875 | + | I'm not doubting that you're 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can't cite "BOG WISDOM" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 876 | + | % | |
| 877 | + | nobody knows how horses learned bee ways. they down there in that sewer hive. makin that black honey that keeps leakin out our wall sockets. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 878 | + | % | |
| 879 | + | they say the neighbor kid got down there. saw the horse queen. cant even talk no more. just builds those horse effigies outta blood sausage. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 880 | + | % | |
| 881 | + | STOP RETWEETING YOUR CRYSTALS. I KNOW THEY'RE "STORING ENERGY." THAT'S ALL THEY EVER DO -@UtilityLimb | |
| 882 | + | % | |
| 883 | + | @fart do you think anyone ever saw a dude who invented is wearing HONEY HUGGIES combo beehive+diaper because thats me i need a ambulance -@UtilityLimb | |
| 884 | + | % | |
| 885 | + | the wind wolves howled warnings of big pizza. we thought it was about corporations. under the 'za canopy, our children don't remember sky. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 886 | + | % | |
| 887 | + | do you have any feng shui themes other than "CHASMS" or any installment plans other than "AGAINST YOUR WILL" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 888 | + | % | |
| 889 | + | [wakes up circled by flock of elderly in motorchairs bumping me as their text2speech units repeat 'NO'] yah LETS GO CAMPING great idea idiot -@UtilityLimb | |
| 890 | + | % | |
| 891 | + | how many more retweet you get when noun replaced with dog. how many more friend you get when self replaced with dog. #doggameshows #surgery -@UtilityLimb | |
| 892 | + | % | |
| 893 | + | Petroleum fucking sucks now. It was good back when it was underground but now it's mainstream garbage. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 894 | + | % | |
| 895 | + | sorry bandit not respond to @ tweets but he always read them check if youre a girl if your pic is in the first 600 pages of your tumblr -@UtilityLimb | |
| 896 | + | % | |
| 897 | + | Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 898 | + | % | |
| 899 | + | >>>FUNNY VID <<< >>>PLEASE CLICK<<< SHOWOFF DOG WALKING ON 2 LEGS DRAGGED INTO RIFT BY JEALOUS DOG WALKING ON 60 LEGS -@UtilityLimb | |
| 900 | + | % | |
| 901 | + | dude you need to change your password pronto. your monoliths have been dawning some weird-ass malware ages all day -@UtilityLimb | |
| 902 | + | % | |
| 903 | + | new crime race: gunkers | crime ability: gooping up sacred nooks crannies | allies: time, sediment | enemies: the trash-eaters, education -@UtilityLimb | |
| 904 | + | % | |
| 905 | + | Ep 758: MacGyver cyberbullies a collapsed mine shaft, freeing the miners. Ep 759: MacGyver cyberbullies a man's heart, resuscitating him. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 906 | + | % | |
| 907 | + | can you update this medic alert bracelet with my juggalo name (WICKED WHEELS) + juggalo health issues (SCARAPLEGIA, DIABETES TYPE 2 DOPE) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 908 | + | % | |
| 909 | + | Intro to 16th Century Juggaliterature -@UtilityLimb | |
| 910 | + | % | |
| 911 | + | I don't know which tweet of mine has the most retweets and I'm never crippled by the fear that I'll never top it #TweetLikeANormalPersonDay -@UtilityLimb | |
| 912 | + | % | |
| 913 | + | finally a movie just like the ones you loved as a kid: Two Hours of Confusion Frequently Interrupted by Authority Figures Covering Your Eyes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 914 | + | % | |
| 915 | + | that hospital gurney scene in Jacob's Ladder except you're going backwards chronologically through everything you've said on the internet -@UtilityLimb | |
| 916 | + | % | |
| 917 | + | SWAMP SQUAD actually a very ineffective crime crew :/ whole group is mired in bureaucracy + actual mire -@UtilityLimb | |
| 918 | + | % | |
| 919 | + | Do not risk traversing the ash. Come, we've networked every Hobby Lobby with a series of Hobby Tunnels in preparation for this very world. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 920 | + | % | |
| 921 | + | SELECT ELEMENTAL SPHERE: [FIR] [LIT] [ICE] //// YOU HAVE CHOSEN: [FIR] //// ABILITY: GROW PINE CONE //// WHY DID YOU PICK FIR -@UtilityLimb | |
| 922 | + | % | |
| 923 | + | SLIMECORP just unveiled 2034's DOPEST new birth defects! what a great time to be alive + exiled to the sprawling sewer maze beneath MEGACITY -@UtilityLimb | |
| 924 | + | % | |
| 925 | + | A sign depicting a shadowy abomination mauling a child. Beneath it is a warning not to greet any of the exhibits here at The Hater Zoo -@UtilityLimb | |
| 926 | + | % | |
| 927 | + | at the risk of sounding like ancient screeching machinery, [extends excavator arm sifts through applebees rubble, searching for artifacts] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 928 | + | % | |
| 929 | + | #RememberThe90s i do + desperately wish i was whatever young age you have to be to find enjoyment in 50,000 girls running artsy porn tumblrs -@UtilityLimb | |
| 930 | + | % | |
| 931 | + | wow! can't believe i found a place to buy a wolf pupy online! [opens huge box labeled WASP PUPAE] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 932 | + | % | |
| 933 | + | if you aren't CRIMEGOD, explain this [plays tape of defendant saying stuff like OH FOR CRIME OUT LOUD and THAT'S A CRIME SHAME] [jury gasps] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 934 | + | % | |
| 935 | + | Oakland PD illegally siding w/ Old Country Buffet RE: whose fault is it I got stuck between a sneeze guard the macaroni vat #OccupyOakland -@UtilityLimb | |
| 936 | + | % | |
| 937 | + | AUTHORITY has given you +F in Freedom Points for category: Obedience. For more info please open computer to visit GoverNet. The only website -@UtilityLimb | |
| 938 | + | % | |
| 939 | + | keep getting the same weird phone message from both the Healthy Diet Society and the Malevolent Beekeeper Society: "ARBY'S WILL KILL YOU" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 940 | + | % | |
| 941 | + | me? i called a roadside WEB DESIGN ad. got lost in touch tone menus so long i became one. press 1 for fax noise, 2 for the creaking of wood. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 942 | + | % | |
| 943 | + | cops chase a man into a TV showing the same episode of cops. bad boys plays, but i cant hear it. my dog is making that powerline sound again -@UtilityLimb | |
| 944 | + | % | |
| 945 | + | Oh My God The DJ Put My Dinner On The Turntable!! The Club Is Going Wild To This Electro House Meal!! Please Stop I Am Very Hungry!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 946 | + | % | |
| 947 | + | contact solution instruction pics: [5000 tribals wash a huge lens] [it is an offering to SUN EYE] [SUN EYE's rays+tears nourish their crops] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 948 | + | % | |
| 949 | + | A satellite image of the desert that was once the Pacific. Dry ocean trenches spell out a message: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL OFF -@UtilityLimb | |
| 950 | + | % | |
| 951 | + | horse ebooks everywhere now. no one can say anything but horsetweets. i beg them to stop, but i am ignored. they continue to build the tower -@UtilityLimb | |
| 952 | + | % | |
| 953 | + | halloween is the only day when it's socially acceptable for a girl to dress like a PIT FULL OF SPIDERS. DUDE TRUST ME IT'S A GIRL. GET IN IT -@UtilityLimb | |
| 954 | + | % | |
| 955 | + | HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY COSTUME? I'M THE FEELING OF DESPAIR WHEN SIMPSONS WAS OVER THE OPENING THEME OF COACH BEGAN TO PLAY -@UtilityLimb | |
| 956 | + | % | |
| 957 | + | no one at this party appreciates that i dressed up as myself :/ also they don't appreciate that i'm a deluge of eels -@UtilityLimb | |
| 958 | + | % | |
| 959 | + | "we dare not put it out," says the fireman, "its klout is much too high." a baby spambot retweets him, alerting a hungry owl to its presence -@UtilityLimb | |
| 960 | + | % | |
| 961 | + | most emotional halloween decoration 2011 was DEF that crystal ball that shows your ipods standing on a cliffside gazing out over the sea.... -@UtilityLimb | |
| 962 | + | % | |
| 963 | + | in retrospect, switching to a cavern-based society was good in that it eliminated cyberbullying but bad in that it introduced spiderbullying -@UtilityLimb | |
| 964 | + | % | |
| 965 | + | There I was, the first Libertarian President of bark bark damn it mom the dog stays outside this is my speech-to-text time #NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb | |
| 966 | + | % | |
| 967 | + | tonight: dogs. are they funny? or a crutch for the unoriginal? we ask bandit, a man who keeps a mental list of girls that like his twitter -@UtilityLimb | |
| 968 | + | % | |
| 969 | + | "It was the barks of times, it was the woofs of times #NaNoWriMo," I tweeted. The bait worked, the girls swooped in to retweet my dog joke -@UtilityLimb | |
| 970 | + | % | |
| 971 | + | WELCOME⦠TO MY SUBTERRARIUM LAIR [terrarium falls and shatters as couch cushion fort supporting it gives way] [all my turtles escape] NOoo!! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 972 | + | % | |
| 973 | + | Oakland PD violate the Geneva Convention as they hold signs saying THIS IS YOU play Zach de la Rocha's internal monologue over a bullhorn -@UtilityLimb | |
| 974 | + | % | |
| 975 | + | Steve "Third" Reich had been pummeling Philip in the exact same place for hours. It was the night of broken Glass. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 976 | + | % | |
| 977 | + | after some years, you start to intuit which landscapes self-identify as one of us. [rubs eroded cliff] yes⦠these are wicked clown badlands⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 978 | + | % | |
| 979 | + | It was always my favorite collective noun, but today "A Simulacra of Kreayshawns" became the holodeck setting I married⦠#NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb | |
| 980 | + | % | |
| 981 | + | craigslist > personals > men seeking women > IT'S COLD OUTSIDE BUT IT'S WARM IN MY COMPOST HEAP :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 982 | + | % | |
| 983 | + | how do you get a twitter girl to ask for your pic and how do you photograph six miles of eel-infested coral so it looks like a cute boy -@UtilityLimb | |
| 984 | + | % | |
| 985 | + | .@klout can i set my profile to "joke mode" so it knows i only login "for a laugh" and won't tell everyone i visited klout 45 days in a row? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 986 | + | % | |
| 987 | + | ONE BIG .RAR, FULL OF DOG PICTURES -@UtilityLimb | |
| 988 | + | % | |
| 989 | + | "I guess you could say that I have a 'Type A' personality." - me, falling off a cliff, typing "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" into a tweet -@UtilityLimb | |
| 990 | + | % | |
| 991 | + | remember the PSAs with NOTION CRIMINAL? lol did he ever get out of the punishment vats or is he still down there shrieking #RememberThe2060s -@UtilityLimb | |
| 992 | + | % | |
| 993 | + | Everybody Welcome Our Special Guest: Garfield! [sewer people limp out onto stage] Wow This Cat Love To Eat! [they beg for medicine+supplies] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 994 | + | % | |
| 995 | + | [steals idol from Tomb of Heavy D] [suddenly realizes it's the Tomb of Heavy Dimebag] [chased down corridor by boulder-sized Dimebag Darrel] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 996 | + | % | |
| 997 | + | RIP this dancefloor, killed by my 6 hour W.A.S.P. megamix -@UtilityLimb | |
| 998 | + | % | |
| 999 | + | slimy compost man crawl out my gutter and live on my couch. he still think hipster jokes really funny. he stuff my fridge full of muckleaves -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1000 | + | % | |
| 1001 | + | dude, you GOTTA see this GIF! [gif is you dying while watching the gif. you look up but im gone so is every exit leading out of applebees] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1002 | + | % | |
| 1003 | + | a tribe of white girls roaming a blighted earth. every trace of life turned into a folk song cover and put on youtube. there is nothing left -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1004 | + | % | |
| 1005 | + | Mysteries, puzzles, queries and more afflicting people you follow. Bandit was perplexed by: The Moon. "do bird live there. can i live there" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1006 | + | % | |
| 1007 | + | human body got 1 thousand secret muscles: inside neck, under bed, oozing out faucet, rising from pond. untapped power yearning for discovery -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1008 | + | % | |
| 1009 | + | "they aint gon bitecha. just gon goop around on ya lookin fer contraband" said the cop, pouring hundreds of drug sniffing snails into my car -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1010 | + | % | |
| 1011 | + | farfield just LOVES lasagna!! i think. i'm not really sure. *squints at far off orange dot that never gets closer no matter where you are* -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1012 | + | % | |
| 1013 | + | hidden passage under man cave leads to impossibly manlier cave. towering beastman with toilet pecs bars my entry to the pulsing musclescape. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1014 | + | % | |
| 1015 | + | monday. the MURDERED bin is empty. the UNMURDERED bin is brimming with balls. i can not bring myself to pick up my hammer. i refresh favstar -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1016 | + | % | |
| 1017 | + | "our favorite food, band, and lie is cake" said the 5000 girls (wish 1) in my castle (wish 2), but i could not die (wish 3). fuck that genie -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1018 | + | % | |
| 1019 | + | RT @acharringgrill: @thebibandit hey i redit your avatar http://t.co/Ke9tclpW -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1020 | + | % | |
| 1021 | + | @acharringgrill that owns!! love your drawings. a game should exist of your strange minimal/"crude" landscape drawings http://t.co/vGfrFpru -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1022 | + | % | |
| 1023 | + | BIG SORRY to everyone hurt by my misconception of a "news aggregator"!! please call animal control if you see an alligator in a press hat -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1024 | + | % | |
| 1025 | + | >>RT<< if you're lost in an endless desert of those fenced-in power substation things. is anyone else alive. can i charge my phone on these. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1026 | + | % | |
| 1027 | + | Thoughts Expressed Here Are NOT My Employer's! They're Mine Even Though I Can't Form Actual Thoughts Can Only Parrot Confusion Into A Void -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1028 | + | % | |
| 1029 | + | Great Deals On Photos From The Wedding You Went To 87 Years Ago! Buy 2 8x11s Get Free Rations + Gas Mask + Skull Granting Entry To Undercity -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1030 | + | % | |
| 1031 | + | @J_Chastain i still jump to grab the bread from the flying toaster. even if i can't reach. even if i can't remember when i still had a mouth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1032 | + | % | |
| 1033 | + | NO CONNECTION BETWEEN MY ROOM-FOR-RENT NOT SHOWING UP ON GOOGLE MAPS THAT PILE OF BLOODY TORN OPEN GOOGLE MAPS CARS OUT FRONT. COME ON IN -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1034 | + | % | |
| 1035 | + | WARNING: do NOT join the pen15 club!! it is NOT what you think!! weird-ass bloodletting rituals not a damn dick in sight⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 1036 | + | % | |
| 1037 | + | so good to see him reintroduced to his natural habitat [jurassic park dino frolics + spits acid, chasing 100s of newmans thru a barren maze] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1038 | + | % | |
| 1039 | + | first of all, "dine and ditch" means to eat and not pay. second, if the whole denny's fell in, what you dug is more of a canyon than a ditch -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1040 | + | % | |
| 1041 | + | STOP SHOWING ME PEPPER SPRAY COP!! SHIT'S GETTING OLD!! - me, in pentagon sub-sector 14, to the tour guide showing me 2 billion cloning pods -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1042 | + | % | |
| 1043 | + | waitin for another cool bandit joke? me too! its my only source of validation im at the whim of intangible creativity. pls RT. i need this -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1044 | + | % | |
| 1045 | + | Special Buy Nothing Day Sale!! Great Deals On: [ HOLES | VOIDS | SILENCE | NUMBNESS ] whisper coupon code "hello?" into a disconnected phone -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1046 | + | % | |
| 1047 | + | ignore my last tweet about "FEELIN' IRIE"⦠organ bank called the cops on me i guess irie is some rastafarian thing not the plural of iris. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1048 | + | % | |
| 1049 | + | We do not make our cop riot gear look like "batman suits w/ fake muscles." We harvest REAL muscle from vat-grown steroid-enhanced criminals. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1050 | + | % | |
| 1051 | + | sick!! skrillex collabbin' w/ EVERYONE now!! kinda spreading himself thin though. didn't feel all that different losing a leg to "dubabetes" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1052 | + | % | |
| 1053 | + | anyone can make a webcomic, watch [spends 8 years digging a deadly underground chamber filled w/ sphinxes] [dies] â¦blinded by my own hubris⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 1054 | + | % | |
| 1055 | + | living off nothing but bacon fat is a bad idea [huge arm stamps #ManCarbRevoked on my forehead] [real smart buff dude gives me a talkin' to] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1056 | + | % | |
| 1057 | + | Please Read: A Personal Threat From The Guy Who Wrote Took Pics For The "Klingon Sword Techniques" Wiki Page (REMOVED DUE TO BS POLITICS) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1058 | + | % | |
| 1059 | + | 50. 100. 200. Nothing. Finally, 1,000 met the youtube's age restriction. I paid for that lie in tears for all 6:66 of CRAZY FROG PROPHECIES⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 1060 | + | % | |
| 1061 | + | Ahh, now that Movember's over we can start Beecember! [You expect a bee joke, but there's nothing here. Nothing anywhere. This is the end.] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1062 | + | % | |
| 1063 | + | horse_ebooks wearin a santa hat in his av! same one i wore today! what do you mean santa hats are soft+fuzzy and not 20sq yards of horseskin -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1064 | + | % | |
| 1065 | + | Please Eat Your Personal Apples, Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales. These Are Mine. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1066 | + | % | |
| 1067 | + | START SEEING MOTORCYCLES. STOP SEEING ANYTHING BUT MOTORCYCLES. BECOME A MOTORCYCLE IN A UNIVERSE THAT IS EXACTLY THE SIZE OF ONE MOTORCYCLE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1068 | + | % | |
| 1069 | + | UnTweeting a tweet to make people forget it was a cool feature until our memories of giving it access to work on IRL memories were UnTweeted -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1070 | + | % | |
| 1071 | + | dogs don't care that 3,000 people died on 9/11 until you explain that it was 21,000 in dog deaths -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1072 | + | % | |
| 1073 | + | tight pants make me a fag? are these FOUNDING FATHERS of our NATION fags? [punches hole in wall to reveal several mummies eating the wiring] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1074 | + | % | |
| 1075 | + | oh no. not opening day 2. already lost my god damn back and neck. shoulda listened to that horse about this Adsense Calendar -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1076 | + | % | |
| 1077 | + | look sir, legally what you typed on that apple II 17 years ago has to go on the kid's birth cert. don't let ASS BICH get dysentery this time -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1078 | + | % | |
| 1079 | + | It got weird after the whole Simpson family died. With just minor characters running the show, why even call this a "Simpsons Secret Prison" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1080 | + | % | |
| 1081 | + | halloween party, kids in the dark passing around a bowl of "sick drops that fell out skrillex head when he die" (electric eels) #ripskrillex -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1082 | + | % | |
| 1083 | + | DRUG DEALER TIP: if a dude wants to buy but you don't trust him, throw a frisbee. legally he's gotta run after it if he's a plainclothes dog -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1084 | + | % | |
| 1085 | + | "HEY! WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE SKYPE DIRECTORY. YOU SEEM COOL! ;)" it shrieks. under the floorboards, you try not to cry. it would hear you. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1086 | + | % | |
| 1087 | + | leaked simpsons design doc details exact shade of yellow for daytime homer, nighttime homer, angry homer, blood homer, punishment homer, -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1088 | + | % | |
| 1089 | + | Your last companion has died of thirst on Google+! Several scavenging birds have been added to the Vulture Circle above you on Google+! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1090 | + | % | |
| 1091 | + | [emerges from huge cocoon made of nightmares and dog jokes] [possibly with new abilities...?] [upcoming soon...!] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1092 | + | % | |
| 1093 | + | dude one of those unicode smileys meant somethin BAD in another language⦠like 8 mayan cops are here building a zigurat out my lean cuisines -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1094 | + | % | |
| 1095 | + | "santa baby" is the weirdest christmas song⦠is she asking to be "let out of the contraption"? can't really hear over the sobbing and gears⦠-@UtilityLimb | |
| 1096 | + | % | |
| 1097 | + | what a terrible merchandising move⦠who has enough land to fit a "SeinField"? or enough weapons to fend off even a single harvest of jerrys? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1098 | + | % | |
| 1099 | + | War On Xmas Continues As Neighbors Say Jesus Was Born In A Manger Not "Found In A Mine" That Their Kids Are Trapped In My Nativity Tunnels -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1100 | + | % | |
| 1101 | + | a huge trash gyre of all the superfluous letters i dropped from words. it spells out every life experience i missed because of social media. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1102 | + | % | |
| 1103 | + | big flash mob singing that FIVE GOLDEN RINGS part over and over. everybody in matching robes just tearing shit apart looking for those rings -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1104 | + | % | |
| 1105 | + | We didn't think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1106 | + | % | |
| 1107 | + | Our Fall/Winter 2017 Eddie Bauer Turtlenecks Come In Many Colors! Sky Red, Food Ration Grey, Memory Black, Police Invisible [RESTRICTED], -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1108 | + | % | |
| 1109 | + | a genie trying to explain to jay-z why he can't use his 99th problem to wish for infinite problems -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1110 | + | % | |
| 1111 | + | kids: the DOPEST rappers dress like cops, know your fears, are to be obeyed in the work pits, can't rap. for more rap trends: WWW.RAP,GOV -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1112 | + | % | |
| 1113 | + | oooh look at his creepy joke tweets~! i bet he's cute like that IRL not crying + drinking milk out of the carton -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1114 | + | % | |
| 1115 | + | it looked like rainclouds from afar, but the floating spidermass wa- *THE SPOOKYTWEET CRACKS OPEN. A BABY DUCK HATCHES OUT. MERRY CHRIMAS :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1116 | + | % | |
| 1117 | + | always a steampunk, never esteemed -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1118 | + | % | |
| 1119 | + | no one ever "gets" my crime name (THE CARNIVORE) when i tell them + they're never around to see it when i eat a carnival :/ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1120 | + | % | |
| 1121 | + | thumbs up if a trap shaft sent you here! i mean like, from the outside world, not from another dollar tree subsector. how do you get out -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1122 | + | % | |
| 1123 | + | that backwards episode of seinfeld starts out cool but gets weird 3 billion years in with all those newmans splitting in half to reproduce -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1124 | + | % | |
| 1125 | + | eternally i pet this rigid steel dog here in bad tweet hades. this is my punishment for that joke about being "sentenced to hard labrador" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1126 | + | % | |
| 1127 | + | after buying animal at store, do not open box. until seen, animal retains all possible animal traits and is unbound to specific animal form. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1128 | + | % | |
| 1129 | + | Hello, this is Rachel from Catholder Services. We're calling to inform you about an issue with your cat. He says you aren't holding him. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1130 | + | % | |
| 1131 | + | parody twitters of celebs no one recognizes; each making lewd jokes about body parts no one has; each dictated over speakers no one can find -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1132 | + | % | |
| 1133 | + | Thumbs up if you haven't evolved terrifying pincer hands in 2012!!!!!!!! 47 [symbol of hand with thumb violently pincered off] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1134 | + | % | |
| 1135 | + | our office is just like dilbert, but with even crazier characters ;) skullbert (boss), skullbert (building), skullbert (only thing we know) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1136 | + | % | |
| 1137 | + | ahhh... remember the 90?? [flashback to entire decade coalescing into one singular moment. everyone's 10 years older + crying] i love the 90 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1138 | + | % | |
| 1139 | + | beards dot net beards dot org finally uniting for the good of humankind, but it's too late. the overbeard has breached the compound walls. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1140 | + | % | |
| 1141 | + | MMFWCD - messy muthafuckin wickid clown divorce :/ #teencode -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1142 | + | % | |
| 1143 | + | we left our old words behind when we fled underground. he's making poems out of moss bats. "this one's about wulgus." i know. they all are -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1144 | + | % | |
| 1145 | + | "You can't just leave knowing Small Business Solutions are in bed with Small Business Mysteries," he said, sealing me into the cubicle maze. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1146 | + | % | |
| 1147 | + | Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, knowledge manifests itself in radiant dreams that shimmer like the wild sun. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1148 | + | % | |
| 1149 | + | this deluxe playset has many new days your garfield can rue: tuesday, moonday, nightday (endless) + more! plunge him into the depths of fear -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1150 | + | % | |
| 1151 | + | Review: Doritos (Tunnel Flavor): 200 FEET INTO BAG AND STILL NO CHIPS JUST FUNGUS + ROOT SYSTEMS OF WHAT TASTES LIKE A COOL RANCH TREE GROVE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1152 | + | % | |
| 1153 | + | Todd shared a link: "Shit The Omniscient Authority Spire Says." Todd's location was changed from "Drone Warren 72A6-B" to "Reeducation Pods" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1154 | + | % | |
| 1155 | + | #ReplaceSongNamesWithWordsThatLookJustLikeTheOldWordsButFeelDistantInAWayYouCant | |
| 1156 | + | DescribeAndYouNoLongerRecognizeThePlacesAndPeopleAroundYou -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1157 | + | % | |
| 1158 | + | don't EVER talk to someone wearing a north face jacket!! if you get caught you will BOTH get eaten by The Great Southern Face -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1159 | + | % | |
| 1160 | + | condolences but our sponsors wish to remind you that social media is a worthwhile use of what fleeting time precedes the unknowable darkness -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1161 | + | % | |
| 1162 | + | Critics are calling Government Film's "RELATE EVERYTHING TO FORREST GUMP" propaganda vid the 'Feel Gump Hit Of The Summer!' 'A Slam Gump!' -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1163 | + | % | |
| 1164 | + | If you get your car behind the cop's you get to give him the ticket. If you get stuck under his car see maps for Cop Car Basement Levels 1-8 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1165 | + | % | |
| 1166 | + | [overtaking your eyes and ears, every season of The Nanny plays in your mind's eye], [it happens again], and [a third time] #BadLawFirmNames -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1167 | + | % | |
| 1168 | + | In light of last week's tragic skelecaust, we now require legal proof that you are a dog before we set your Kickstarter currency to "bones." -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1169 | + | % | |
| 1170 | + | the @CORPORATION has replied. they do not understand. for a moment you forget the shifting world outside computer that you do not understand -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1171 | + | % | |
| 1172 | + | ATTN facebook friends: it posts every time you read those news articles. also why are all of you reading "THE HIVE-MASTER'S HOURLY COMMANDS" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1173 | + | % | |
| 1174 | + | the horned man hands you the bag of sex jokes for your new comedy twitter. your face begins to trigger the gut reaction of seeing a cop car. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1175 | + | % | |
| 1176 | + | dude go to DM. dude pry open the crack between those two DMs. dude crawl down that hole until you hit dirt. dude burrow into the earth until -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1177 | + | % | |
| 1178 | + | "tears in heaven" is considered metadubstep because it's a song about a sick drop -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1179 | + | % | |
| 1180 | + | four stumps before you, each over eighty feet wide. majestic beauty stood here for 1000 years until man cut down this Big Dog to make shirts -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1181 | + | % | |
| 1182 | + | It's hard using the web on THE SLITHERKING'S DAY, but a search for "mice" stops the snakes in the Google logo from coming out your monitor. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1183 | + | % | |
| 1184 | + | REMEMBER THE 9Ds: DARKNESS DREAD DESPAIR DYSTOPIA DELUSION DENIAL DESTRUCTION DEATH DOG. STOP LAUGHING. WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THAT ONE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1185 | + | % | |
| 1186 | + | Those [ANCIENT RUINS] to the north were once the [GREAT SOCIAL MEDIA TEMPLE]. I hear there are [TREASURES] inside which [DELAY THE SADNESS]. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1187 | + | % | |
| 1188 | + | Depression shakes his head. "I'm lost just like you, dude. I can't escape death either." He resumes crushing you and fostering media content -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1189 | + | % | |
| 1190 | + | deleted tweets fall through the earth into a forlorn cave full of all your childhood pets. "what's a brony" they say. "why'd you let me die" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1191 | + | % | |
| 1192 | + | "There Must Be A Better Way!!" says future inventor of duck print gift wrap, desperately trying to cram his son's birthday legos into a duck -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1193 | + | % | |
| 1194 | + | a reply w/ a less words than you wrote means they don't wanna talk. a reply w/ negative words means you emailed a Memory Eater (CALL POLICE) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1195 | + | % | |
| 1196 | + | a new high is sweeping the teen-munity: mousing over the "delete profile" button+crying as insuperable vanity binds you to this time cancer. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1197 | + | % | |
| 1198 | + | Elder Statesman Posting About Ron Paul Secretly Just Elder Scrollsman -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1199 | + | % | |
| 1200 | + | A good pun is like a good steak: CARVED FROM AN ENSNARED IDEA MONSTER. ITS PACK HOWLS FOR VENGEANCE AND CLOSES IN. THE RTs WERE NOT WORTH IT -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1201 | + | % | |
| 1202 | + | what about ultraviolet history month when we suddenly saw the secret colors on the flowers and lost every earthly yearning but to pollinate -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1203 | + | % | |
| 1204 | + | it's sad thinking of all the dogs in old movies that have died, but even sadder thinking of the earth we fled because of the dogs that can't -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1205 | + | % | |
| 1206 | + | #RememberAnythingButThe90s? Distant tinge. Something? No. It's gone. The machine laughs. A nutrient reward pours into my only facial orifice -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1207 | + | % | |
| 1208 | + | don't #FF dog through a long maze of doggy doors and doggy passages you didn't know were in your house. dog just gets lost and cries. idiot. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1209 | + | % | |
| 1210 | + | i just make dog jokes for attention. i don't know what they are or where one stops another begins in that weird mass that replaced the sea -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1211 | + | % | |
| 1212 | + | kinda miss when girls wore those "LOVE PINK" sweatpants. got kinda weird once they got replaced by "EAT BUGS," "FEAR SUN," and "LIVE CAVE" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1213 | + | % | |
| 1214 | + | Wayne's World is a bit of a misnomer. The Garths control The Arcology the Waynes struggle in serfdom out in the staticky fragmented wastes -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1215 | + | % | |
| 1216 | + | #KnuckleTatIdea if you tat knuckles all over body then entire body functions as hand. unlock new world of gestures + punches; today. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1217 | + | % | |
| 1218 | + | dude, deer did not invent a perfect system of economic equality and they do not have one "deer dollar" each. those are deer skulls. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1219 | + | % | |
| 1220 | + | #newcerealnames screws i saved for reasons i forgot, afloat in stone bowls of rainwater lit by the stray tweets wisping through my cell bars -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1221 | + | % | |
| 1222 | + | Mafia Dog, trying to intimidate Cop Dog: How bout you make like a tree, and bark [both dogs just start barking at shit + pissing everywhere] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1223 | + | % | |
| 1224 | + | What society thinks I do: [THE ABYSS, GAZING BACK]. What I REALLY do: [IT DOES NOT RETURN THE GAZE. WE HAVE NO COMPANION, NOT EVEN THE VOID] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1225 | + | % | |
| 1226 | + | #ChrisBrownPickupLines [a lurid, soundless buzzing as chris hovers and flickers over a murky pond amidst dead trees canopied by a dead sky.] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1227 | + | % | |
| 1228 | + | i sit by the milpool beside my milhouse, but these luxuries don't ease the milfear. how long can the milwall protect me from the milshadows? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1229 | + | % | |
| 1230 | + | studied abroad? *grins* yeah, i've studied a broad... variety of this world's offerings and found no solution to my inescapable mortality ;) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1231 | + | % | |
| 1232 | + | Audience Is Entirely Snakes. Help. #FiveWordTEDTalks -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1233 | + | % | |
| 1234 | + | Congrats @FeverishDesperation! @UtilityLimb picked you as the reason to tweet of the day favstar,fm/a_rat_triggering_a_trap_that_has_no_bait -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1235 | + | % | |
| 1236 | + | #BadFirstDateQuestions what happened in that cube that commits an arbitrary crime inside itself each time you wonder what crime it just did? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1237 | + | % | |
| 1238 | + | TRIGGER WARNING: tuxedonormative unable to discriminate between tuxedo print shirt / shirt print tuxedo, eject people not invitationormative -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1239 | + | % | |
| 1240 | + | fired from borders when i moved everyones gender to the fiction section the remaining energy beings had infinite wisdom + no need for book -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1241 | + | % | |
| 1242 | + | ah, bagels! [plucks one from vine] nature's DVDs! [opens it] [inside: tiny men act out a movie. i know this movie. do i? where is everyone?] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1243 | + | % | |
| 1244 | + | It's the only way we can know how long it's been since the collapse⦠[Letterman is counting up not down on his top 10. He's in the billions] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1245 | + | % | |
| 1246 | + | wait so egalitarianism's just some shit about equality? [dodges 2 of the 800 swooping eagles i unleashed into the debate hall] man fuck that -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1247 | + | % | |
| 1248 | + | Wow, Kony is w- [is suddenly trampled+devoured by a herd of zebras rendered completely unnoticable after evolving stripes to mimic QR codes] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1249 | + | % | |
| 1250 | + | steamy tumblrs with every object of our desire: fuselage, cones, roughage, ore. is there lust in your belly, kony? you and i will eat it all -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1251 | + | % | |
| 1252 | + | Cathy: Tower Defense not a game. Actual tower. Acks beckon me to climb just one more floor. Will I ever find her? I do not remember my name. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1253 | + | % | |
| 1254 | + | Affluent man peers into dead friend's tomb, gasps. The items are gone. They have accompanied him to the next world. Miracle. Credits roll. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1255 | + | % | |
| 1256 | + | @FuckminsterBull @J_Chastain you know it's him when the cop takes his "KNOWN HUMAN FOOD" list he starts braising beaks + bits of cartridge -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1257 | + | % | |
| 1258 | + | broken eggshells and garbage go in one end, embryotic debris comes out the other. feed to this machine your memories; the 90s are born anew. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1259 | + | % | |
| 1260 | + | @wolfpupy we played "the floor is lava" until we could block out the memory of going to the carpet factory seeing them skin those rug rats -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1261 | + | % | |
| 1262 | + | man, the last 20 ghosts in a row just squawked and pooped and pecked us. i'm starting to doubt this ouija bird -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1263 | + | % | |
| 1264 | + | 2011's tweets migrating above. one of mine! does he remember me? no, he's only an animal. get back in the bunker, we're just food to him now -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1265 | + | % | |
| 1266 | + | Every 1,000 years the moon will appear yellow for all of Chevy Truck Month due to the passing piss tail of Calvin's Comet -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1267 | + | % | |
| 1268 | + | cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1269 | + | % | |
| 1270 | + | goofus achieves wonders like instantaneous global communication and interplanetary travel but remains governed by his own decay. gallant too -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1271 | + | % | |
| 1272 | + | Bulldozers rolling backwards as rubble forms itself into Palestinian homes in their wake #UnsettlingCars -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1273 | + | % | |
| 1274 | + | "Muck Man send you LinkedIn request :)" says the writing on the empty pizza box pierced by a fishing hook. The line leads back into the bog. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1275 | + | % | |
| 1276 | + | *Rubs hand along stump* Count 'em, 600 rings. That's 600 years old! Told you she was an ancient spirit in the body of a preteen female Sonic -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1277 | + | % | |
| 1278 | + | ahahaha search for "starbugs" and check out at all the idiots misspelling starbuck- huh? look at the sky? oh...... oh............ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1279 | + | % | |
| 1280 | + | [duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1281 | + | % | |
| 1282 | + | WEAR COLORS OUTSIDE THE IRISH VISIBLE SPECTRUM + SPEAK ABOVE IRISH AUDIBLE RANGE TODAY, TOMORROW, ALL DAYS UNTIL WE ESCAPE THIS BLARNEY CUBE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1283 | + | % | |
| 1284 | + | an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn't break the canon that there's only one of him, each connects to a central body in the undercity -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1285 | + | % | |
| 1286 | + | @woodmuffin every discarded leg that makes its way down to the trash caverns gets found by scavenging berts and attached to oscar the growth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1287 | + | % | |
| 1288 | + | my pitch for a "gritty reboot of myself" isn't going so well; all the pre-schools say i can't enroll at 28 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1289 | + | % | |
| 1290 | + | for every retweet you earn with your twitterform upon the tweetplane, your new form shall contain one more bone in the next life (boneplane) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1291 | + | % | |
| 1292 | + | While Lisa "Right Eye" Lopez entered a catatonic state upon the death of Left Eye, Center Eye was unaffected and continues to loom and wail. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1293 | + | % | |
| 1294 | + | for once i'd like to see something other than FLESH and THE VEIL BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT in the rending topics -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1295 | + | % | |
| 1296 | + | my Fantasy Centipede Team is dominating the league right now w/ 5,000,000 legs grown + 50,000 manifestations out of imagination into reality -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1297 | + | % | |
| 1298 | + | @brendlewhat idiot bug think leg opulence bring fulfillment. hard to blame him. not many other option as bug. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1299 | + | % | |
| 1300 | + | #ThoughtsAtAHouseParty woah, bob saget is WAAY different IRL than on full house. i think. dunno. i don't have sensory perception. i'm a fern -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1301 | + | % | |
| 1302 | + | don't type and hold unshift, you'll pen subcase letters so subtle they slip right through the membrane into the cistern of undertweets below -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1303 | + | % | |
| 1304 | + | @brendlewhat "the shale is retweeting itself," says the geologist, burying himself in sediment. "this does not help me, but still i do it." -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1305 | + | % | |
| 1306 | + | @TPHD consume me in your webring maw. pass me to the geocities that sprawl across the inner belly, their tiny dwellers repurposing my carbon -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1307 | + | % | |
| 1308 | + | there's more than one way to skin a cat ;) whole lot more ways ;) some you learn by accident while petting someone's cat ;) i'm really sorry -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1309 | + | % | |
| 1310 | + | watermelon was seriously wounded... but the soul still burns - soul gallagher -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1311 | + | % | |
| 1312 | + | "starship enterprise's detaching saucer is based on animal kingdom" - me, having wasted my ammo on duck body, now being eaten by duck head -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1313 | + | % | |
| 1314 | + | This is the Today Show, I'm your host Bryant Gumbel [he sits in a chair. he and the chair split in two like an amoeba] and I'm Giant Brendle -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1315 | + | % | |
| 1316 | + | he's a good dog, if you can see him, or even remember him at all. i'm not so sure i even have a dog, but that's the nature of faint bernards -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1317 | + | % | |
| 1318 | + | marmaduke's owners are taking him to the vet, but magmaduke violently erupts from the earths core and lays waste to the entire city -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1319 | + | % | |
| 1320 | + | if you don't know where to put a semicolon, try using it on every blankspace in your inventory. one should open the hole to the next thought -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1321 | + | % | |
| 1322 | + | the "fuck yeah rocks that look like people" tumblr is just photos of everyone you know. they no longer respond in any form but quiet erosion -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1323 | + | % | |
| 1324 | + | WELCOME TO GYM. [5gp] WOOD MUSCLE // [10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE // [50gp] IRON MUSCLE // [100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE // [999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1325 | + | % | |
| 1326 | + | i didn't unfollow, it was twitter! there's a family of applesnails in your lunch bag a stickynote saying "BANDIT FRIENDS :)"? also twitter -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1327 | + | % | |
| 1328 | + | Age? No, thanks ;) Sex? Yes, please ;) Location? Yes, please ;) Please, God ;) Let me exist somewhere ;) Anywhere ;) Out of this darkness ;) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1329 | + | % | |
| 1330 | + | hungercrazed eating dirt and leather and soon one another. why did we do this. #ReplaceFoodWithSongNames -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1331 | + | % | |
| 1332 | + | being caught by the Sufferluffagus is a much more precise and detailed agony than the dreamlike violence of Big Blurred -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1333 | + | % | |
| 1334 | + | .@favstar your bots all collapsed into favblackholes and are retweeting jokes i don't remember making to congratulate me for negative favs?? -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1335 | + | % | |
| 1336 | + | //TASKLESS IN THIS ECONOSPHERE?? >> EARN 1,0000,0000 WEALTH CRESTS EACH MOON JUST FOR PLAGUESPREAD!! {{ TURN "DIS HARDSHIP" INTO "DISEASE"\\ -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1337 | + | % | |
| 1338 | + | THAT WAS IN REPLY TO @J_CHASTAIN BUT IT DID NOT FIT -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1339 | + | % | |
| 1340 | + | @J_Chastain "what if the sickness.. is the cure" says the dying old man. rats are gnawing upon his body and reblogging the tumblrs he bleeds -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1341 | + | % | |
| 1342 | + | Seinfeld, The Outwards Episode: Each scene is imagined by a character in the next. The final reveal is existence was imagined by the viewer. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1343 | + | % | |
| 1344 | + | WELCOME TO PRANKNET. PICK OPTION: 1> DECEIVE OTHER [1 DAY] 2> DECEIVE SELF INTO BELIEVING YOU ARE THIS BODY YOU'RE EXPERIENCING [364 DAYS] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1345 | + | % | |
| 1346 | + | If you are just waking up now, 1) Everyone not named Tom is dead. We don't know what happened or why. 2) Yes, we already renamed it "Tomblr" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1347 | + | % | |
| 1348 | + | Waste this life tweeting jokes about Toms making a "Tomblr." The Angel of Death is digging your grave and he's got a much better Tomblr joke -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1349 | + | % | |
| 1350 | + | Nelson Mandela, covered in tiny Nelson Mandelas, standing with Nelson Mandelas on a giant Nelson Mandela, forming the Nelson Mandelabrot Set -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1351 | + | % | |
| 1352 | + | Congratulations, your acadmic excellence has placed you on The Beam's List! Please exit that laser-deflecting bunker for your reward (beams) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1353 | + | % | |
| 1354 | + | optometrists can see your thoughts when shining that light in your eyes but can't understand them. they're too blurry. you need glasses dude -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1355 | + | % | |
| 1356 | + | morning tip: close your sensory holes when moving from sleeping bag to waking bag. do not experience the unbagged void outside the bagwombs. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1357 | + | % | |
| 1358 | + | #lessintimidatingsportsteams men just like you who've sometimes cried and not known why, aging slowly into the same decrepit form you embody -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1359 | + | % | |
| 1360 | + | damn, club is poppin' tonight! all the dying animals left the forest came here to wilt+decay together on the dancefloor! whole club crying -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1361 | + | % | |
| 1362 | + | A starving King Midas surrounded by ancient rotting food. Every last bit of it Instagrammed by his touch. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1363 | + | % | |
| 1364 | + | @graeyalien @brendlewhat @ConorTripler to vote LIMB turn to ballot page w/ the weird maw feed it as many enemy voters as u can (1 vote/lb) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1365 | + | % | |
| 1366 | + | I vow to eliminate the unconstitutional Big Government that wastes our tax dollars + the unearthly Big Governor that eats our fishing boats. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1367 | + | % | |
| 1368 | + | DRILLED SO FAR: 6 MILES INTO OWN FACE. IF HEAD HAS SKULL THEN SKULL MUST HAVE WEIRDER SKULL INSIDE AND MY RESUME WILL BE FIRST TO FEATURE IT -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1369 | + | % | |
| 1370 | + | reversing a gif of a dude being hurt will heal him IRL but the Wound Spirit can't be tricked and it'll put you in a dog gif doing a violence -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1371 | + | % | |
| 1372 | + | @woodmuffin just found one that's tweeting every building i construct in my horrible city --> @markgeorge341 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1373 | + | % | |
| 1374 | + | Your account may not be allowed to perform this action. Please close the page forget you saw that "Refear this fear to your drones" button -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1375 | + | % | |
| 1376 | + | this is the wilhelm scream of pits. name any movie with a pit. this was that pit. name any of your family. i've pushed them into this pit. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1377 | + | % | |
| 1378 | + | i love her BUTTE, but only PLATEAUNICALLY ;) [a tumbleweed made of bugs rolls by. they keep still, moved only by wind. are they dead? am i?] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1379 | + | % | |
| 1380 | + | Yelp > Novelty Las Vegas Replica On Las Vegas Strip: DOESN'T LOOK LIKE VEGAS. EVERY BUILDING IS THAT ONE BLACK PYRAMID SO IS HOTEL STAFF 0/5 -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1381 | + | % | |
| 1382 | + | @brendlewhat "Welcome Out Of The Luxor" says the doorman, opening his coat to reveal a stairway leading to a Luxor of even stranger violence -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1383 | + | % | |
| 1384 | + | @Bro_Pair @brendlewhat ... but in Egypt, you feared the Ibis! Ha ha, thanks folks, I'll be entombed here at the Lmaotep all week + eternity. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1385 | + | % | |
| 1386 | + | "It's terrible to be HOME, STUCK in an MS PAIN ADVENTURE" - Andrew Hussie, before getting booed off stage at a Multiple Sclerosis fundraiser -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1387 | + | % | |
| 1388 | + | our petting zoo's "Meet Ryan Gosling" attraction is closed because his lawyers say a gosling is a baby goose not a rapidly growing sinkhole -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1389 | + | % | |
| 1390 | + | that north korean missile sure burns faster than the house+objects around me!! please rt i'm trapped in a fire @911 isn't seeing my tweets -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1391 | + | % | |
| 1392 | + | @brendlewhat @911's social media guru ignoring my pleas, just replies "We LOVE that you love our brand!" "New DLC 2013: Cop Won't Hit You" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1393 | + | % | |
| 1394 | + | nah dude that job offer is a scam, "ALL SPIDERS" don't have a social media guru opening but ~600 idiots fall for it every week and get eaten -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1395 | + | % | |
| 1396 | + | save cash at the grocer! fill veggies w/ helium until your voice hits the resonant frequency of the chains binding consciousness to the body -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1397 | + | % | |
| 1398 | + | the celeb that exists only as an abstract now exists here in deeper abstraction. the celeb has tweeted you! in the distance, you have a body -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1399 | + | % | |
| 1400 | + | "anyone hear about this new ipad?" [jay leno pauses] "anyone hear anything at all?" [jay wanders the desolate cities. even the wind is gone] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1401 | + | % | |
| 1402 | + | @UtilityLimb Congrats on your 10,000 cat dominion! slavegar.field/HugeMondayHoveringAboveThePyramidPunishingGarfieldsThatRefuseToBu | |
| 1403 | + | ildIt.jpg -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1404 | + | % | |
| 1405 | + | they're two different things, todd. you get FRIENDSNAILED in a SNAILZONE so you can wake your ASTRAL SNAILBODY from this WORLD IT'S DREAMING -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1406 | + | % | |
| 1407 | + | an old achewood panel rotted away and philippe fell out. he wanders the site's php, begging to be let back in, but onstad, like god, is dead -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1408 | + | % | |
| 1409 | + | pursue creativity until you're too jaded to enjoy what you loved about it to begin with. keep believing there's some answer to life in art. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1410 | + | % | |
| 1411 | + | @FuckminsterBull all 50+ people who faved this https://t.co/Eo2lDGEG did so w/ good reason knew about brendle's famous chairs. both chairs -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1412 | + | % | |
| 1413 | + | "in the past, primitive tribes used something called 'art' to promote their dearest products and brands" - future man, an ARG history major -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1414 | + | % | |
| 1415 | + | 20-something learning to live love as she tries to find patterns in a gale of blurry dreams to portray them as meaning in a 3rd person bio -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1416 | + | % | |
| 1417 | + | @Lowenaffchen don't art anymore. art's a description of fulfillment you can't experience. can't tell an art-soaked skeleton from regular one -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1418 | + | % | |
| 1419 | + | @fart 1st body mod "the body" allowed ass hole spirits to take shape+evolve over billion years slander my "im gaga for gout girls" webring -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1420 | + | % | |
| 1421 | + | as a lil bandit i wanted to make art that conveyed the intangible mystery felt inside. the sum of my work: http://t.co/OYJMmcOf @mattcornell -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1422 | + | % | |
| 1423 | + | FUTUREMAN HAS BUILT THE FONT OF BABEL. THE CASES TOWER ABOVE EVEN THE UPPEREST CASE WE CAN IMAGINE. THE OLD WORDS ARE SO BORING + STUPID NOW -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1424 | + | % | |
| 1425 | + | dude, don't name your kid that when he's got a speech impediment. how's he gonna make "a cool dino roar" with that awful rusted grate mouth -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1426 | + | % | |
| 1427 | + | what's the "use tunnels dreams" checkbox on googlemaps? how do i turn "slight inward toward memory of house with iron floors (toll shaft)" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1428 | + | % | |
| 1429 | + | Goofs: Beavis believes his existence to be that which he experiences rather than the blanket of darkness shrouding the infinity he does not. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1430 | + | % | |
| 1431 | + | who's a dork for being the preeminent Donald In Mathmagic Land Extended Canon scholar now? [escapes unscathed as my classmates die of Traps] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1432 | + | % | |
| 1433 | + | that's sick as hell dog! [later, at veterinarian] "sorry, hell dog passed away last night" why wasn't i with him? the guilt will never leave -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1434 | + | % | |
| 1435 | + | teens building new species of teen out of every available resource. teens of moss and teens of ore, our old weapons can not harm them. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1436 | + | % | |
| 1437 | + | scene in The Tetris Movie where the locusts eat the z-crops & the villagers are so famished they eat long blocks until their necks disappear -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1438 | + | % | |
| 1439 | + | your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it's got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1440 | + | % | |
| 1441 | + | each tweet is full of tiny little bones & one day the tiny people of the future will exhume our jokes to build even tinier people (to crush) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1442 | + | % | |
| 1443 | + | a dog in a chamber deep underground. when there are no more tweets left to make, he will die. he's crying, this is the last one. bandit, no! -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1444 | + | % | |
| 1445 | + | @wolfpupy scientist discover saddest animal. cant say it name. crying too hard. doesnt matter tho, the hungriest animal will come for us all -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1446 | + | % | |
| 1447 | + | @wolfpupy every time an animator erased black rugrat another black rugrat would appear in the ball ducts (they pump balls into the ball pit) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1448 | + | % | |
| 1449 | + | everybody welcome our surprise celebrity guest!! [the arm from arm & hammer hops out on stage and starts hammering people indiscriminately] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1450 | + | % | |
| 1451 | + | "man i'm sick of tv shooting for the lowest common dominator," drones man controlled by one of the largest, rarest dominators (psy-owl hive) -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1452 | + | % | |
| 1453 | + | corporations are people because people are corporations made of trillions of cells that survive by destroying+consuming weaker corporations -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1454 | + | % | |
| 1455 | + | ya, last name spelled: [distant howl] as in far off train, [metallic scraping] as in axe being dragged through quarry, [quiet sobbing] as in -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1456 | + | % | |
| 1457 | + | "chicken scallopini? i could tweet chicken skele-penis," i say to the shadows on the cave wall. i don't even remember that i'm chained here. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1458 | + | % | |
| 1459 | + | dunno why the instructions are rage comics, i didn't buy it. the ikea guy just gave it to us villagers & vanished. i think it's a mausoleum. -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1460 | + | % | |
| 1461 | + | open a girl twit pic and click expand. it make her grow from mere notion of what you can't have to real embodiment of what you can't have :] -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1462 | + | % | |
| 1463 | + | "how creative. the joy division album cover again," - me, sarcastically, to the endless black & white lines pouring out the sky into the sea -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1464 | + | % | |
| 1465 | + | don't set your timeline to military time. bunch of weird dudes tweet from 2400-6666 hours & all they talk about is some secret "in the well" -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1466 | + | % | |
| 1467 | + | wow, tweet 666 comin' up. oh damn! it's a SICK tweet. new era for u-limb. new style. better than dogs! better than hell dude! here it comes: -@UtilityLimb | |
| 1468 | + | % |
Binaries are not rendered as diffs.
| ... | ... | @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ | |
| 1 | + | weird_twitter.dat: weird_twitter | |
| 2 | + | @strfile weird_twitter weird_twitter.dat |
| ... | ... | @@ -0,0 +1,3879 @@ | |
| 1 | + | @dril: fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this | |
| 2 | + | % | |
| 3 | + | @dril: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying | |
| 4 | + | % | |
| 5 | + | @dril: congress members fighting over who can scream "halo 5" the loudest, until a senior member stands up and yells "halo 6", infuriating them all | |
| 6 | + | % | |
| 7 | + | @dril: THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED | |
| 8 | + | % | |
| 9 | + | @dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES | |
| 10 | + | % | |
| 11 | + | @dril: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off | |
| 12 | + | % | |
| 13 | + | @dril: just realized that skeletons are basically just rocks hitching a free ride inside of our bodies. sad and pissed off | |
| 14 | + | % | |
| 15 | + | @dril: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit | |
| 16 | + | % | |
| 17 | + | @dril: "Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate, | |
| 18 | + | % | |
| 19 | + | @dril: see this watch? i got it by Crying. my car? crying. my beautiful wife? Crying. My perfect teeth? Crying. now get the fuck out of my office | |
| 20 | + | % | |
| 21 | + | @drugleaf: *hugs girlfriend, gets on 1 knee* honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out "LIKE A FREE IPAD?" she looks down& i'm holding a survey* | |
| 22 | + | % | |
| 23 | + | @drugleaf: sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force | |
| 24 | + | % | |
| 25 | + | @drugleaf: "dad where do babies come from?" | |
| 26 | + | *continues pulling a catapult out of the garage* I DUNNO KIDDO BUT I SURE AS FUCK KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GOING | |
| 27 | + | % | |
| 28 | + | @drugleaf: 2 New Interaction(s): A PACK OF WOLVES favorited your tweet "damn, feeling hella vulnerable today". | |
| 29 | + | A PACK OF WOLVES started following you. | |
| 30 | + | % | |
| 31 | + | @nice_mustard: it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes | |
| 32 | + | % | |
| 33 | + | @nice_mustard: what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles | |
| 34 | + | % | |
| 35 | + | @nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun | |
| 36 | + | % | |
| 37 | + | @rad_milk: as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water | |
| 38 | + | % | |
| 39 | + | @rad_milk: maybe if your dad was the mcrib he would have come back | |
| 40 | + | % | |
| 41 | + | @rad_milk: "help i fell & cant get up" grandson rolls up on skateboard "more like GROUNDMA LOL" he kickflips over her&slurps GoGurt™ the grab&go yogurt | |
| 42 | + | % | |
| 43 | + | @rad_milk: you laugh at me because im different, i laugh at you because you are a playful family of lemurs at the zoo and i am hella stoned | |
| 44 | + | % | |
| 45 | + | @rad_milk: im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's | |
| 46 | + | % | |
| 47 | + | @bugbucket: it's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager | |
| 48 | + | % | |
| 49 | + | @bugbucket: i love this club, everyone is so handsome, we are all having a great time "sir this is a mirror store" except this asshole bouncer | |
| 50 | + | % | |
| 51 | + | @bugbucket: list of best afros in nature: | |
| 52 | + | ➊ broccoli | |
| 53 | + | ➋ mountain with a cloud floating on the peak | |
| 54 | + | ➌ most trees | |
| 55 | + | ➍ ant i dropped a cotton ball on | |
| 56 | + | % | |
| 57 | + | @bugbucket: if you don't like being around someone just slip some poison in their beverage, then drink it when they're not looking | |
| 58 | + | % | |
| 59 | + | @bugbucket: "hey look at this there's a nickel in your ear" nice trick granpa "there's gotta be more where that came from" grandpa is that a power drill | |
| 60 | + | % | |
| 61 | + | @bugbucket: how to be cool on twitter step 1 get a trampoline step 2 who fucking cares about twitter you have a trampoline | |
| 62 | + | % | |
| 63 | + | @bugbucket: lol remember playin "floor is lava" as a kid by pourin gasoline everywhere and lighting it "lol Dad floor's lava" "aaaah im burning" "lol" | |
| 64 | + | % | |
| 65 | + | @thrillbo: looked up to ask jesus why there was only one set of footprints and he was like 100 ft behind poking a dead jellyfish w/ a branch. cmon dude | |
| 66 | + | % | |
| 67 | + | @thrillbo: dont hate me because i'm beautiful, hate me what you can do for your country | |
| 68 | + | % | |
| 69 | + | @thrillbo: wow nice leotard lol. more like reotard lmao. where'd you get that leotard, idiot fucker. was it on sale, shithead. does it come in a medium | |
| 70 | + | % | |
| 71 | + | @thrillbo: hi i need a new iphone because i changed my status to single on facebook and it vibrated so hard from texts that it turned into a diamond | |
| 72 | + | % | |
| 73 | + | @thrillbo: u tear off my shirt, buttons flying. u take time to admire whats underneath: a hard, rippling invoice. for the shirt. what were u thinking | |
| 74 | + | % | |
| 75 | + | @tree_bro: Why Can't I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl | |
| 76 | + | % | |
| 77 | + | @tree_bro: *Cracks Diet Pepsi* Ahh...Refreshing Diet Peppi *Slowly Sips, Then Gulps, The Diet Pappo** Ahh, Diet Parpo. Thank's To The Papor-Colla Corp. | |
| 78 | + | % | |
| 79 | + | @tree_bro: *knocks on door* Mrs Smith? I'm from Army. Your son got owned in Iraq. He showed great valor in the face of epic fail. Semper fi or whatecer | |
| 80 | + | % | |
| 81 | + | @tree_bro: Wash My Clothes? just to get them Dirty again???? **attaches forehead to industrial oscillator, flips it on, SMH at 100,000 kHz** | |
| 82 | + | % | |
| 83 | + | @tree_bro: Sir? The intensive porpoises are here. They say you have something for them. Yes, all of them | |
| 84 | + | % | |
| 85 | + | @bikinibabelover: *john krasinski on the street* holy crap your jim halpert "uhh well actually thats not my name" *he looks at the camera and makes a face* | |
| 86 | + | % | |
| 87 | + | @bikinibabelover: Facts About You: 1) Your thinking of sombeody 3) You didnt notice I just skipped nubmer five 4) Your smilein now 5) Im hot 6) I like to cuss | |
| 88 | + | % | |
| 89 | + | @bikinibabelover: complex woody and smokey notes lend this wine a Dope Mouthfeel | |
| 90 | + | % | |
| 91 | + | @bikinibabelover: holy crap a alien just touched down to earth and asked if he could use my twitter. okay hes typing now. I HAVE A SPACE ZAPPER hes done lol | |
| 92 | + | % | |
| 93 | + | @bikinibabelover: 1960s: I HATE HIPPEYS | |
| 94 | + | 2000s: I HATE EMO'S | |
| 95 | + | 2010s: I HATE HIPSTER'S | |
| 96 | + | 2020s: ajajajajajajaj mangas y dobstep por favor | |
| 97 | + | % | |
| 98 | + | @bikinibabelover: Nice faucets Ass Hole. Your faucets arent even that cool, and I dont even barely love them a lot that much | |
| 99 | + | % | |
| 100 | + | @bikinibabelover: my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs | |
| 101 | + | % | |
| 102 | + | @lawblob: Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at- | |
| 103 | + | % | |
| 104 | + | @lawblob: hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? because you may be entitled to compensation. | |
| 105 | + | % | |
| 106 | + | @lawblob: my favorite drinking game is PacMan. you drink everything in front of you as fast as you can before your ghosts catch up to you | |
| 107 | + | % | |
| 108 | + | @lawblob: Goodnight Moon, you albino m&m looking space-pebble garbage piece of shit | |
| 109 | + | % | |
| 110 | + | @lawblob: the man died doing what he loved, disrespecting my dojo | |
| 111 | + | % | |
| 112 | + | @lawblob: girl you must be Windows Security Essentials because I have no idea what you're talking about but I'll do anything you tell me to | |
| 113 | + | % | |
| 114 | + | @lawblob: the plural of fish is 'hella fish' | |
| 115 | + | % | |
| 116 | + | @lawblob: renamed my WiFi network "buried under 500 cans of corn in 4B, need help" | |
| 117 | + | two weeks go by, and the community does nothing | |
| 118 | + | % | |
| 119 | + | @lawblob: cool perk of being a rapper is everything put in music videos is a tax write-off. cars, jewelry, clothes, laser printer, cat food, lightbulb | |
| 120 | + | % | |
| 121 | + | @conortripler: HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY | |
| 122 | + | % | |
| 123 | + | @conortripler: you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable | |
| 124 | + | % | |
| 125 | + | @conortripler: each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted | |
| 126 | + | % | |
| 127 | + | @conortripler: U'LL SLEEP WHEN UR DEAD HUH? COOL. SOUNDS PRTTY NEAT. I MEAN I'LL BE PLAYIN MINI GOLF W TUPAC WHEN I'M DEAD BUT YA SLEEP SOUNDS COOL TOO LOL | |
| 128 | + | % | |
| 129 | + | @conortripler: timothy we need to talk about your essay "How Do U Go Hungry In The Winter They Litraly Put Salt All Over The Streets Idiot." it is awesome | |
| 130 | + | % | |
| 131 | + | @conortripler: this nerd reciting the first 1000 digits of pi and im yelling NICE every time a 9 follows a 6 | |
| 132 | + | % | |
| 133 | + | @conortripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner | |
| 134 | + | % | |
| 135 | + | @conortripler: banned from imdb for adding "Frankie Muniz isnt in it" to the Goofs & Errors section of every single movie. score one for hollywood facists | |
| 136 | + | % | |
| 137 | + | @conortripler: Mr Tripler is sentenced to (I COVER MY MOUTH & YELL IN HIGH PITCH VOICE "5 SECONDS IN JAIL!" "YA ONLY 5 SECONDS I AGREE!") the death penalty | |
| 138 | + | % | |
| 139 | + | @conortripler: the moon was once part of the earth but broke off to orbit at close distance in a process known in the field of geoscience as "friendzoning" | |
| 140 | + | % | |
| 141 | + | @othersome: you know that kid at the arcade who’s just watching the demo and pressing the buttons like they’re playing? that’s how i handle adulthood | |
| 142 | + | % | |
| 143 | + | @othersome: "shaq, how did all these snapping turtles get into kobe's car?" gee i don't know, it must have been a *looks into camera* shaqcident | |
| 144 | + | % | |
| 145 | + | @othersome: the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr | |
| 146 | + | % | |
| 147 | + | @othersome: people who tell you to "stay still when bees attack you" are just thousands of bees in a trenchcoat trying to tell u a lie | |
| 148 | + | % | |
| 149 | + | @othersome: obama giggles to himself as he neglects his farmville crops. "lol owned" he whispers "owned by the Persident" | |
| 150 | + | % | |
| 151 | + | @brendlewhat: #howareyouathug i am good at hug | |
| 152 | + | % | |
| 153 | + | @brendlewhat: lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag | |
| 154 | + | % | |
| 155 | + | @brendlewhat: girl are you a diminutive form of address intended for children that is applied to adults as a way to establish a skewed power dynamic becau | |
| 156 | + | % | |
| 157 | + | @cool_pond: son we need to talk. your mom and i saw your internet history and it wasnt pretty. frankly, we are concerned. can you seriously not kickflip | |
| 158 | + | % | |
| 159 | + | @cool_pond: this club is wild it got everything. long dark hallway, a large central pump, bubbles, big noodles flyin everywhere. wait is this a carwash | |
| 160 | + | % | |
| 161 | + | @cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF AESTHETIC SIMPLICITY: | |
| 162 | + | ||
| 163 | + | I O U C J S L Z V N F E D P T X Y W M R B A K H Q G | |
| 164 | + | ||
| 165 | + | PLEASE USE THIS SYSTEM FROM NOW ON | |
| 166 | + | % | |
| 167 | + | @cool_pond: son its time for the sex talk.pretend my computer is a girl. how might u find her settings? "dad u dont know how to use ur computer do u" | |
| 168 | + | % | |
| 169 | + | @cool_pond: and god sayeth unto Moses in a thundering voice "MOSES, YOLO" and so Moses did what Moseses do he graffitied a wiener on the 10 commandments | |
| 170 | + | % | |
| 171 | + | @mohnjelson: So i says to the guy, i says to this guy, i tells this guy i says look, i says to him, i says to the guy, hey. i walk up to this guy, i says | |
| 172 | + | % | |
| 173 | + | @mohnjelson: If Dracula Can’t See Himself In The Mirror Then How’s He Keep His Hair So Neat: an essay by Timmy, 6th grade, Pullitzer Prize Winner | |
| 174 | + | % | |
| 175 | + | @boring_as_heck: Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son? | |
| 176 | + | % | |
| 177 | + | @boring_as_heck: to the person who made their laser tag name Cool Sex Falcon please return to the front so we can give you a real gun | |
| 178 | + | % | |
| 179 | + | @boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said. | |
| 180 | + | % | |
| 181 | + | @boring_as_heck: God... you are NOT the father *God krumps all over the stage as Mary weeps profusely* | |
| 182 | + | % | |
| 183 | + | @boring_as_heck: Your honor i couldnt have committed that murder. Im a man - I cant commit to anything!! *all-female jury laughs, renders not guilty verdict* | |
| 184 | + | % | |
| 185 | + | @MuscularSon: what if real life is jail and the ones in jail are the free ones?? *jurors gasp, judge bangs gavel* im holding | |
| 186 | + | u in contempt for scaring me | |
| 187 | + | % | |
| 188 | + | @MuscularSon: i accidentally said "wonder what a wizard's dick look like" out loud instead of thinking it and everyone in the bank started clapping | |
| 189 | + | % | |
| 190 | + | @MuscularSon: a dog howls and whines. a clock tower stops at the witching hour. a newborn speaks God's real name. it's Lobsterfest at Red Lobster | |
| 191 | + | % | |
| 192 | + | @MuscularSon: its really spooky in these woods flocka are u sure the rap battle is out here | |
| 193 | + | % | |
| 194 | + | @MuscularSon: all 182 members of blink 182, including blink 182 himself, perished in a plane wreck this morning | |
| 195 | + | % | |
| 196 | + | @MuscularSon: hey girl wanna play "gynecologist" ;) yes? ok *sits at desk, ignoring u while looking at paperwork* have a seat. ill be with u in 50 minutes | |
| 197 | + | % | |
| 198 | + | @MuscularSon: *pulls up outside a gamestop w/ people outside it* hey. why dont you all level up in talking to Girls *does donuts in my 95 ford escort* | |
| 199 | + | % | |
| 200 | + | @MuscularSon: my bedroom is set up to impress babe's. the guitar says im sensitive. the jackhammer says im tough. the horse is there because i love him | |
| 201 | + | % | |
| 202 | + | @spaceship_earth: NEW DRAKE MIXTAPE IS EIGHTTEEN JOANNA NEWSOM SONGS WITH DRAKE SAYING 'ITS DRIZZY' OVER AN AIR HORN AT THE END OF EACH ONE | |
| 203 | + | % | |
| 204 | + | @spaceship_earth: [at rich uncles dimly lit deathbed] "my boy there's something i waited until now to tell you" [rich uncle leans in] "im extremely random" | |
| 205 | + | % | |
| 206 | + | @spaceship_earth: Praise be unto Jesus, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win | |
| 207 | + | % | |
| 208 | + | @spaceship_earth: Dont be sad. Im in the cloud now, synergizing with all the brands who left before me. My strategies are too dynamic for this world. Im sorry | |
| 209 | + | % | |
| 210 | + | @spaceship_earth: What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered | |
| 211 | + | % | |
| 212 | + | @spaceship_earth: "A PACK OF WILD DOGS" would like to use your current location | |
| 213 | + | % | |
| 214 | + | @spaceship_earth: Ladies Call me Modernist Architecture because I'm forbidding, inhuman, don't relate to my surroundings & will be dismantled by govt in 30yrs | |
| 215 | + | % | |
| 216 | + | @grifteezy: When Lil Wayne dies, the warding spells tattooed on his body will be broken & all of the various djinns and ifrits will break free | |
| 217 | + | % | |
| 218 | + | @grifteezy: Endless Shrimp. Infinite quantities of shrimp. It never ends. Nothing we do has consequences | |
| 219 | + | % | |
| 220 | + | @grifteezy: Morning. Yawning, you check FB feed. A friend posts a status about you being dead. Haha, so zany. You go to click 'Like.' The cursor fades | |
| 221 | + | % | |
| 222 | + | @grifteezy: Fellow Druids, I give you,Stone Henge. It's kind of just, to hang out by and set your drinks on and stuff. Ok, Sorry, You build it next time | |
| 223 | + | % | |
| 224 | + | @grifteezy: owls are just real weird cats. sorry science | |
| 225 | + | % | |
| 226 | + | @diarrhea: "Son, why so sad? Are u crying??" All the kids in school call me gay. "Oh no. Why??" Because u named me Im Gay. "Lol I was so high that day" | |
| 227 | + | % | |
| 228 | + | @diarrhea: *sips muscle milk* what's this? *reads carton* MISSING BRO: ANSWERS TO GUN SHOW OR ROB. LAST SEEN DOIN INSANE AMOUNTS OF LAT PULLS AT GOLD'S | |
| 229 | + | % | |
| 230 | + | @diarrhea: favorite show on tv? Girls. second favorite is Business. third favorite? Car. fourth favorite is Meal. fifth favorite? u guessed it...Animal | |
| 231 | + | % | |
| 232 | + | @iscoff: Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999) | |
| 233 | + | % | |
| 234 | + | @earfdae: Um... I hate to be a Grammar Nazi, but shouldn't it be... 'The Diary Of *A* Frank'...? | |
| 235 | + | % | |
| 236 | + | @electrolemon: jay-z has a custom la-z boy that says "jay-z boy" on it. he doesn't even sit in it. just walks by n giggles, mumblin "u crazy for this one" | |
| 237 | + | % | |
| 238 | + | @electrolemon: a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread" | |
| 239 | + | % | |
| 240 | + | @electrolemon: sir... *removes hat* i'm going down with the ship. "oh you'll go down on the titanic, but not on me huh" jesus carol this is hardly the time | |
| 241 | + | % | |
| 242 | + | @leh0n: *walks over to a gaggle of teens* Yall droppin f-bombs over here?? Haha nice. Im totally down with that | |
| 243 | + | % | |
| 244 | + | @leh0n: i like my women like i like my universe, filled with an infinite amount of suffocating emptiness | |
| 245 | + | % | |
| 246 | + | @leh0n: *taps on ur window* Hey its me Leh0n. From twitter dot com. U fav'ed my "Butt Farts" tweet 8 months ago? | |
| 247 | + | % | |
| 248 | + | @leh0n: what did the bird say when he flew over kmart caw caw whyd my natural habitat get replaced wtih 165,000 sq ft of consumerist wasteland lol | |
| 249 | + | % | |
| 250 | + | @leh0n: how do you make friends. im asking for a friend | |
| 251 | + | % | |
| 252 | + | @leh0n: The Joker has turned the floor everywhere in the world to lava. This summer...Batman has to stop him...While not touching the floor | |
| 253 | + | % | |
| 254 | + | @degg: *crests a hill* hey dudes | |
| 255 | + | % | |
| 256 | + | @degg: anything can happen in football, especially sports | |
| 257 | + | % | |
| 258 | + | @degg: *takes a picture of myself holding $300* | |
| 259 | + | % | |
| 260 | + | @UtilityLimb: i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. keeps craning. head unscrews entirely. out of the hole pour jewels & mysteries* | |
| 261 | + | % | |
| 262 | + | @UtilityLimb: Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE | |
| 263 | + | % | |
| 264 | + | @UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person | |
| 265 | + | % | |
| 266 | + | @UtilityLimb: your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it's got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen | |
| 267 | + | % | |
| 268 | + | @UtilityLimb: kinda miss when girls wore those "LOVE PINK" sweatpants. got kinda weird once they got replaced by "EAT BUGS," "FEAR SUN," and "LIVE CAVE" | |
| 269 | + | % | |
| 270 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a fs 270 flip to ss fs boardslide down rail | |
| 271 | + | % | |
| 272 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: if you claim to be "naïve" you arent fooling anyone. if you know how to get an ï then you know a lot of other shit | |
| 273 | + | % | |
| 274 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: DJ PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HERE, I SEE NOT ALL OF YOU ARE RAISING YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR?? WELL IF YOU DONT LIKE MY MUSIC I CAN LEAVE | |
| 275 | + | % | |
| 276 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: some people say im obsessed with semantics. i say it depends what you mean by obsessed | |
| 277 | + | % | |
| 278 | + | @famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous | |
| 279 | + | % | |
| 280 | + | @famouscrab: "carlos did u put youre shoes on the right feets today" YES DAD LEFT AND RIGHT "on YOUr feet son?" ..DAD THIS IS THE WRONGEST I EVER GOT IT | |
| 281 | + | % | |
| 282 | + | @famouscrab: hi son like my backwards hat? how bout that gerfald he sure eat a lasagna that cant be good for her. anyways bye *rollerblades away* | |
| 283 | + | % | |
| 284 | + | @famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird | |
| 285 | + | % | |
| 286 | + | @famouscrab: what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid | |
| 287 | + | % | |
| 288 | + | @famouscrab: fool me once thats enough of times for fooling me and i dont really enjoy it. Thanks | |
| 289 | + | % | |
| 290 | + | @famouscrab: im not here to make friends! - me at the zoo telling a lie lol | |
| 291 | + | % | |
| 292 | + | @famouscrab: Warning: password is case sensitive. password i think ur case is cute dont woorry so much | |
| 293 | + | % | |
| 294 | + | @famouscrab: my dad say he is leaving forever and then he came back with a pack of cigaretes hehe a twist on a old classic u are a funny and good dad | |
| 295 | + | % | |
| 296 | + | @famouscrab: i am involved in a scooter acident the accident is im riding 2 scooter's at the same time and all these beach babes are have heart attacks | |
| 297 | + | % | |
| 298 | + | @ahuj9: a steak pun is a rare medium well done | |
| 299 | + | % | |
| 300 | + | @ahuj9: RIP Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, 1972 - 2,042,998. Died of erosion. | |
| 301 | + | % | |
| 302 | + | @ahuj9: Remember that one scene where Indiana Jones drives a rusty Kia to his sysadmin job at Geico? Yeah me neither. Take off the fedora. | |
| 303 | + | % | |
| 304 | + | @ahuj9: "Here, kids. Here's a bunch of pipes and chains and shit sticking out of the ground. Go nuts." - John Playground, inventor of the Playground | |
| 305 | + | % | |
| 306 | + | @ahuj9: Dog Flowchart: "Can I Eat This" ---> Yes/Let's Find out | |
| 307 | + | % | |
| 308 | + | @woodmuffin: haha i've kept this police sketch artist here for two hours and he still doesnt realize he's been drawing the Cheers cast one by one | |
| 309 | + | % | |
| 310 | + | @woodmuffin: Hour 7 of refusing to say "when" as Mom spoons more and more mashed potatos onto my plate. Grandma crying, uncles yelling, I will not yield. | |
| 311 | + | % | |
| 312 | + | @woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why | |
| 313 | + | % | |
| 314 | + | @woodmuffin: "of course i've had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i'm doing!!" *types "what do girlfriends eat" into google* | |
| 315 | + | % | |
| 316 | + | @woodmuffin: "But Jesus, why were there only one set of footprints?" "Sand people travel single file to hide their numbers" | |
| 317 | + | % | |
| 318 | + | @MeepisMurder: in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on | |
| 319 | + | % | |
| 320 | + | @MeepisMurder: reminder that there are a ton of skeletons that are wearing suits & dresses underground | |
| 321 | + | % | |
| 322 | + | @MeepisMurder: woops accidentally texted my dad "lets go to the club tonight" woops accidentally texted my dad "meet me at 8" woops im in the club w my dad | |
| 323 | + | % | |
| 324 | + | @MeepisMurder: son it's wonderful that you're starting to appreciate irony and everything but could you please just find my LOST dvds | |
| 325 | + | % | |
| 326 | + | @extranapkins: There's only gonna be 12 hits; Me hitting you, and you hitting the floor, then me listening to the Eagles Greatest Hits | |
| 327 | + | % | |
| 328 | + | @extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night | |
| 329 | + | % | |
| 330 | + | @extranapkins: Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this club | |
| 331 | + | % | |
| 332 | + | @extranapkins: *lays $8 of quarters on the bar* Whats the plural of High Life | |
| 333 | + | % | |
| 334 | + | @extranapkins: Found a portrait of me in my attic that keeps getting uglier and older, at first I thought I was immortal but now I realized it's a mirror | |
| 335 | + | % | |
| 336 | + | @extranapkins: Thursday? Let's see, Thursday... *opens day planner revealing a single sheet of paper with PARALYZED WITH ANXIETY on it* Thursday's no good. | |
| 337 | + | % | |
| 338 | + | @extranapkins: Cut my sandwich diagonally? No thanks, I'm a boring idiot who sucks and is no fun to hang out with, I'll have it cut the stupid way please | |
| 339 | + | % | |
| 340 | + | @extranapkins: Yes thank you for the pizza but where are my lovers... I was supposed to meet lovers with this pizza | |
| 341 | + | % | |
| 342 | + | @extranapkins: The best you can hope for in life is for someone you dont know to see you from far away and think wow that guy looks cool | |
| 343 | + | % | |
| 344 | + | @extranapkins: Hello pizza store? Yes I'd like one round bread covered with cheese, one bread cut into sticks and one more bread cut into sticks with sugar | |
| 345 | + | % | |
| 346 | + | @extranapkins: Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now | |
| 347 | + | % | |
| 348 | + | @extranapkins: You can smoke weed in the ATM thing at the bank and the cops can't do shit unless they have the right debit card | |
| 349 | + | % | |
| 350 | + | @crushingbort: "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?" | |
| 351 | + | 8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for | |
| 352 | + | % | |
| 353 | + | @bransonbranson: every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself | |
| 354 | + | % | |
| 355 | + | @bransonbranson: bad news gang. the gf broke up with me by disconnecting the bolt on her motorcycle sidecar and drifting it down towards a sexy beach party | |
| 356 | + | % | |
| 357 | + | @bransonbranson: *puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes... time to text some girls the word 'hey' and only the word 'hey' | |
| 358 | + | % | |
| 359 | + | @kilobees: what if, instead of the lyrics to three 6 mafia songs, you knew a whole bunch about like physics or some shit | |
| 360 | + | % | |
| 361 | + | @kilobees: Hello, Darkness, my old friend. Have you watched The Wire yet | |
| 362 | + | % | |
| 363 | + | @leyawn: son when i was your age we only had two pokemon. dog and cat. but we made do | |
| 364 | + | % | |
| 365 | + | @leyawn: slept over at a kids house once in third grade. saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. never talked to him again. hes in jail now | |
| 366 | + | % | |
| 367 | + | @leyawn: "wats yr greatest strength" i slide over card that says IM ALWAYS PREPARED "wats yr greatest weakness" i flip over card its a pic of waluigi | |
| 368 | + | % | |
| 369 | + | @UrplePingo: How much baby shampoo do I have to drink to activate this "no more tears" promise? | |
| 370 | + | % | |
| 371 | + | @UrplePingo: LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO | |
| 372 | + | % | |
| 373 | + | @ughHugs: i once looked at a woman in the eye now i am in a committed relationship | |
| 374 | + | % | |
| 375 | + | @PajamaBenLaden: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time" | |
| 376 | + | % | |
| 377 | + | @duplicitron: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun. | |
| 378 | + | % | |
| 379 | + | @fart: wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams | |
| 380 | + | % | |
| 381 | + | @fart: i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods” | |
| 382 | + | % | |
| 383 | + | @fart: Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him | |
| 384 | + | % | |
| 385 | + | @fart: are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser | |
| 386 | + | % | |
| 387 | + | @fart: it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk | |
| 388 | + | % | |
| 389 | + | @fart: All the good men are either gay, taken, or two dogs standing on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat | |
| 390 | + | % | |
| 391 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard. | |
| 392 | + | % | |
| 393 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me | |
| 394 | + | % | |
| 395 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: Yes I'm on birth control. It's called "my face" | |
| 396 | + | % | |
| 397 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: The girl kept her eyes on the ground as the cashier rang up her cat litter & tampons. "I have a lot of internet friends," she whispered. | |
| 398 | + | % | |
| 399 | + | @afriendlyb: i am hearing an awful lot about this 'friend zone' how does one become a member because it sure would be nice to have some friends | |
| 400 | + | % | |
| 401 | + | @Penis_Zorro: all my frens: | |
| 402 | + | •me | |
| 403 | + | •my kite | |
| 404 | + | •tupac | |
| 405 | + | •mom | |
| 406 | + | •billy (realy a kleenex) | |
| 407 | + | •face drawed on my chin (hard 2 c) | |
| 408 | + | •dave (imaginary) | |
| 409 | + | •any dog | |
| 410 | + | •dad (i wish) | |
| 411 | + | % | |
| 412 | + | @BevisSimpson: Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012] | |
| 413 | + | % | |
| 414 | + | @fucpk: And over here is our manager of barketing [gestures to a dog in a suit] sales are down 1000% its not good. | |
| 415 | + | % | |
| 416 | + | @fucpk: *knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who? | |
| 417 | + | % | |
| 418 | + | @fucpk: [sits down at computer] Hmm. In..ternet... [double clicks recycle bin. looks up at gramma] Were in. Were in the main frame. The dot coms. | |
| 419 | + | % | |
| 420 | + | @fucpk: moths are just white trash butterflies | |
| 421 | + | % | |
| 422 | + | @fucpk: debit or credit? debit i say as i swipe my holo charizard. sir do you have a debit card [swipe again and again without breaking eye contact] | |
| 423 | + | % | |
| 424 | + | @fucpk: I've had it! We are breaking up up down down left right left right b a! *she gasps* I can't believe you'd cheat on me! | |
| 425 | + | % | |
| 426 | + | @fucpk: Kanye West turnin off Scooby Doo and gettin mad. No one van should have all them flowers. | |
| 427 | + | % | |
| 428 | + | @fucpk: my stubble on your neck while i whisper losing lottery numbers in your ear | |
| 429 | + | % | |
| 430 | + | @fucpk: Houston, we have a problem. What is it Apollo 13? You guys are a bunch of fuckin nerds. We are hotboxin this bitch in 5, 4, 3, | |
| 431 | + | % | |
| 432 | + | @fucpk: [two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time] | |
| 433 | + | % | |
| 434 | + | @fucpk: You have to tell me if youre a dog or else its entrapment. [my dog just tilts his dumb head] i dunno man i cant sell this weed to you | |
| 435 | + | % | |
| 436 | + | @fucpk: guns dont kill people! no dude you misunderstand. they kill people. a lot of them. p sure thats why guns are here, actually. | |
| 437 | + | % | |
| 438 | + | @JucheMane: "If you hold the Down button and A at the same time, it makes it easier for the wild Pokemon to stay in the ball." Joe Biden added helpfully | |
| 439 | + | % | |
| 440 | + | @virgiltexas: Teens often hide computer pornography in a folder called C:\Windows\System32. Delete this folder if you see it | |
| 441 | + | % | |
| 442 | + | @virgiltexas: The human body is a complex machine that transmutes oxygen and fast food into horrible beliefs about foreign policy. | |
| 443 | + | % | |
| 444 | + | @virgiltexas: "Find your own fucking state capitals." - Ayn Rand McNally | |
| 445 | + | % | |
| 446 | + | @Irish_Dinosaur: "you should be more serious, sir. this is arson." "no this is MY son!" *tousles his hair* "ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn" | |
| 447 | + | % | |
| 448 | + | @Irish_Dinosaur: do furries do "follow furday"? they probably do, i bet. strange people. wait dad don't hang up they only give me one phonecall in here | |
| 449 | + | % | |
| 450 | + | @Irish_Dinosaur: to u, my son, i bequeath my neville longbottom parody account & all its 84,000 followers [dies] "dad, whats the password? dad? no no NO DAD" | |
| 451 | + | % | |
| 452 | + | @Irish_Dinosaur: instead of saying "cool teen" might i suggest Radolescent | |
| 453 | + | % | |
| 454 | + | @Irish_Dinosaur: the Dairy Queen tolls the taco bell from her white castle. townspeople emerge from pizza huts. war has been declared on the Burger Kingdom | |
| 455 | + | % | |
| 456 | + | @Bro_Pair: Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains? | |
| 457 | + | % | |
| 458 | + | @Bro_Pair: by law of averages, somebody's last words were "space jam" | |
| 459 | + | % | |
| 460 | + | @amelialikesyou: will the owner of the '96 Accord with rear spoiler & vanity Plate PUSSYDSTRYR come to the front. there are like 9 Bros that wanna high 5 you | |
| 461 | + | % | |
| 462 | + | @TriciaLockwood: Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all" | |
| 463 | + | % | |
| 464 | + | @TriciaLockwood: Sext: I give u the Heimlich maneuver when u don't even need the Heimlich maneuver. A grape pops out of u that u never even ate | |
| 465 | + | % | |
| 466 | + | @TriciaLockwood: Has anyone ever looked into a TJ Maxx mirror so long and so deeply that they died | |
| 467 | + | % | |
| 468 | + | @TriciaLockwood: I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside | |
| 469 | + | % | |
| 470 | + | @dudehugs: my internal monologue is just me telling myself "damn girl" over and over | |
| 471 | + | % | |
| 472 | + | @dudehugs: i'm bout to put some cashews in this omelet, because i have the power to decide what swag means to me | |
| 473 | + | % | |
| 474 | + | @dudehugs: *kool aid man bursts thru wall* YOOOOO WHEN THE /////FUCK//////// IS TOYOTATHON | |
| 475 | + | % | |
| 476 | + | @dudehugs: "necromancer"? naw, i'm a neck romancer. lemme get at that neck girl. gonna love on that neck like u wont believe. you gona call the cops on | |
| 477 | + | % | |
| 478 | + | @rare_basement: "im pretty popular on the internet," i whisper to my cat. cat doesnt respond because cat doesnt exist. there is no cat and i am alone | |
| 479 | + | % | |
| 480 | + | @rare_basement: Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too | |
| 481 | + | % | |
| 482 | + | @rare_basement: "Bitch Make Me A Sandwich" - The Boring Man's Guide To Gaining Approval From Other Boring Men | |
| 483 | + | % | |
| 484 | + | @rare_basement: i have got murdered. u shake my dying body and yell "please! who did this to u!!" with my last breath i whisper "ur mom... haha owned..." | |
| 485 | + | % | |
| 486 | + | @rare_basement: sext: ur a lake. i dip my feet in u, then go deeper in ur cold wet body. i splash once, twice. its boring. i leave. lakes are stupid as hell | |
| 487 | + | % | |
| 488 | + | @rare_basement: "this doughnut is gonna go straight to my thighs," i said as i smashed it and smeared the custard on my legs, without breaking eye contact | |
| 489 | + | % | |
| 490 | + | @rare_basement: sorry kids, christmas is canceled. dad's a libertarian and we're not taking handouts from that fat bearded commie. he wears red for a REASON | |
| 491 | + | % | |
| 492 | + | @rare_basement: Bros Before Hos Except After C | |
| 493 | + | % | |
| 494 | + | @rare_basement: sext: i am a bear and you are a delicious porridge. chicks try to steal you from me but i eat them. i eat you too. i eat everyone. i'm alone | |
| 495 | + | % | |
| 496 | + | @BassoonJokes: Autocorrect kept changing Karl Marx to TJ Maxx in my essay about TJ Maxx | |
| 497 | + | % | |
| 498 | + | @BassoonJokes: this is your mind. this your mind on money. this is your money on your mind. this is your mind rollin down the street smoking endo sippin on | |
| 499 | + | % | |
| 500 | + | @BassoonJokes: the weed joke 420 has been adjusted for inflation, please use 531 as the new weed joke | |
| 501 | + | % | |
| 502 | + | @BassoonJokes: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes. | |
| 503 | + | % | |
| 504 | + | @BassoonJokes: I did the 1080 once in 1080 Snowboarding N64, but a shadowy figure appeared at my door and just said "Dont ever do that again" and vanished. | |
| 505 | + | % | |
| 506 | + | @BassoonJokes: new york times readers poll: how far can you skateboard? answers: 53% say yes, 10% say lower the debt ceiling, 37% blame millenials | |
| 507 | + | % | |
| 508 | + | @BassoonJokes: I'm always getting Christianity and Mountain Dew mixed up. | |
| 509 | + | % | |
| 510 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward | |
| 511 | + | % | |
| 512 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: hello 911? my girlfriend used my master ball on a Magikarp | |
| 513 | + | % | |
| 514 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: his palms are sweaty/ knees sweaty arms are sweaty/ hes got sweat on his sweater already/ moms sweaty/ hes sweaty but on the surface he look | |
| 515 | + | % | |
| 516 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: *cop slams bag of weed down on table* | |
| 517 | + | "EXPLAIN." | |
| 518 | + | "its not mine officer i swea- | |
| 519 | + | "oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type" | |
| 520 | + | % | |
| 521 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: busting sick dance moves in this club, all eyes on me. haters saying "this is a library" lol w/e dudes atleast i didnt bring books to a club | |
| 522 | + | % | |
| 523 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it break dance without some kind of system of weights and pulleys | |
| 524 | + | % | |
| 525 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: *PSY's head slowly emerges from my toilet* | |
| 526 | + | "OPPA GANGNAM STYLE" | |
| 527 | + | "NOOO" | |
| 528 | + | *i wake up sweating* | |
| 529 | + | *PSY is at the end of my bed* | |
| 530 | + | OPPA GANGNAM STYLE | |
| 531 | + | % | |
| 532 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: *puts a hat on a dog* | |
| 533 | + | yeah that looks cool man. you should get it | |
| 534 | + | *dog doesn't responded cus he's a dog* | |
| 535 | + | dude do you want the hat or not | |
| 536 | + | % | |
| 537 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: yuck! i put a glass of urine next to my glass of apple juice and accidentally drank the apple juice | |
| 538 | + | % | |
| 539 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: "wow these chicken wings are SPICY" i say aloud to no one, the world ended years ago. i'm not even eating wings. even the sun has gone | |
| 540 | + | % | |
| 541 | + | @vinceness: oh cool this gravestone has a QR code on it *scans* says this dude is dead. wow neat | |
| 542 | + | % | |
| 543 | + | @vinceness: kermit the frog here. haha no its still vince | |
| 544 | + | % | |
| 545 | + | @vinceness: Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jets. No no, of infinite jurts. Damnit. Infinite Jersts. Jarsts.Jorts Infinite J | |
| 546 | + | % | |
| 547 | + | @dogboner: haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass. | |
| 548 | + | % | |
| 549 | + | @dogboner: Y'all ever notice how muslims are always..*drops racism notecards and scrambles to sort them* ..Having Big Penises?? | |
| 550 | + | % | |
| 551 | + | @dogboner: climb on into my bed, babe. let me just move these sandwiches and these backup sandwiches | |
| 552 | + | % | |
| 553 | + | @dogboner: if ur a cat and reading this 1: please let me pet you. 2. i dont know how you learned to read english but im very pround of u.. | |
| 554 | + | % | |
| 555 | + | @dogboner: Dang!! Im having A Lunch Sandwich! Lets see what Sportsball team is on today! Ahh the Grumps vs the Whiskers. Should be a tense game! Beer | |
| 556 | + | % | |
| 557 | + | @tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon | |
| 558 | + | % | |
| 559 | + | @tastefactory: 2002: *Posts dumb joke on AIM* | |
| 560 | + | 2012: *Posts dumb joke on Twitter* | |
| 561 | + | 2022: *Posts dumb flerp on Flerpnark* | |
| 562 | + | 2032: *Posts dumb ₮۞☈♒ on ∰₪↭➈╰☆╮* | |
| 563 | + | % | |
| 564 | + | @tastefactory: Let's all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing. | |
| 565 | + | % | |
| 566 | + | @tastefactory: I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You Showed Me Your Photo Album It Looks Like You Had A Great Time Thanks For Sharing Those Pics. | |
| 567 | + | % | |
| 568 | + | @tastefactory: Life is basically you just walk through a shitload of doors and then you die. | |
| 569 | + | % | |
| 570 | + | @tastefactory: *Goes to meet The Pope* Don't be nervous, don't do anything stupid..."Hi, The Pope" *opens Pepsi that got shook up and it sprays everywhere* | |
| 571 | + | % | |
| 572 | + | @tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother." | |
| 573 | + | % | |
| 574 | + | @tastefactory: *ding dong* "Pizza man!" "I didn't order pizza.." *looks thru peephole, sees spider w fake mustache "Ha nice try dude ur not gettin in here" | |
| 575 | + | % | |
| 576 | + | @briangaar: Girl I'm so sorry your parents died, was it Kony? Oh a bus accident. Was Kony driving the bus | |
| 577 | + | % | |
| 578 | + | @doctorveritas: Horton Hears The Terrible Voice Of God Telling Him To Murder Isaac | |
| 579 | + | % | |
| 580 | + | @thatsnotkosher: At the start of the trial the defendant and i go back and forth with sick burns. "Yo lawyer so fat he obstructs justice just by being here" | |
| 581 | + | % | |
| 582 | + | @idontlikethings: *steps out onto balcony* | |
| 583 | + | *sweeps hand over stunning breadth of nature* | |
| 584 | + | fuck this | |
| 585 | + | % | |
| 586 | + | @Busocco: *casually sips a melted candle* | |
| 587 | + | You mean "you're." | |
| 588 | + | % | |
| 589 | + | @MuscularSon: this porn sucks these lesbian babes say their bored but i can see a computer, a portal to other magical worlds, in the back. thumbs down | |
| 590 | + | % | |
| 591 | + | @fart: if only we could harness the energy of white people's desire to be the first of their friends to own a fiat | |
| 592 | + | % | |
| 593 | + | @Ennui_Raver: Whats that? Hitler was a monster, who was responsible for some of the worst atrocities of the 20th century?? Well, actually, hitler is good | |
| 594 | + | % | |
| 595 | + | @MikesRadTwites: I know what you're thinking: "You only like Macklemore so much because he's white." Well, you're wrong. It's also because I'm in college. | |
| 596 | + | % | |
| 597 | + | @CBoyardee: in high speed car chase with police. trying desperately to unwrap this mcchicken before i go to jail | |
| 598 | + | % | |
| 599 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: Pull yourself Together Drew Carey Your To High. hes eating everything on set. Drew keeps callig himself Jim Carrey and laughing hysterically | |
| 600 | + | % | |
| 601 | + | @briangaar: *follows attractive woman out to balcony* | |
| 602 | + | so then they released the Wii, which was basically a Gamecube with motion controls | |
| 603 | + | % | |
| 604 | + | @thatsnotkosher: [dont pronounce Denny's as denies. Don't pronounce Denny's as denies] mr president would you like to get some grand slams at denies | |
| 605 | + | % | |
| 606 | + | @johntorn: stay in school, I'm serious, you think you won't but you WILL need grammar when you're proofreading the stencil for your shitty neck tattoo | |
| 607 | + | % | |
| 608 | + | @neonwario: I always assumed "gay for pay" just meant you really liked money, but it's too late to back out now | |
| 609 | + | % | |
| 610 | + | @mattytalks: Ladies call me the Joe Paterno statue because I'm in bad taste,I weigh 1000's of pounds and have been forcibly removed from a college campus | |
| 611 | + | % | |
| 612 | + | @dril: inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. "Im Sorry Sir" "Ill Do Better Sir" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen | |
| 613 | + | % | |
| 614 | + | @robwhisman: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate take to long to get ready!! also drowning their children | |
| 615 | + | % | |
| 616 | + | @rolldiggity: Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught? | |
| 617 | + | % | |
| 618 | + | @Lowenaffchen: Local High Schooler Forced To Turn Dragon T-Shirt Inside Out. "All the hot girls were distracted by how cool it was," the principal told us | |
| 619 | + | % | |
| 620 | + | @Lowenaffchen: if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it | |
| 621 | + | % | |
| 622 | + | @MuscularSon: i cant control my enormous nerd sons. they force me to cosplay as a police box from Dr Who and take turns paintballing my nude torso | |
| 623 | + | % | |
| 624 | + | @dogboner: john wilkes booth just wanted to see a play and this asshole sits in front of him with a tall ass hat on like hes king shit of fuck mountain | |
| 625 | + | % | |
| 626 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: Waiter? Instead of unlimited breadsticks can i get a finite but indefinitely large number of breadsticks? i draw a philosophical distinction | |
| 627 | + | % | |
| 628 | + | @graeyalien: "Firemen" will never win their pointless war yet we continue to subsidize the charade | |
| 629 | + | % | |
| 630 | + | @fart: who is a dog's favorite actor | |
| 631 | + | ||
| 632 | + | bark ruffalo | |
| 633 | + | % | |
| 634 | + | @electrolemon: the final stage of pregnancy is also known as the "british spelling period" because that's when either U is in labor, or U is in mom | |
| 635 | + | % | |
| 636 | + | @Ennui_Raver: dear diary. i had another scary encounter with a goose today, but luckily this time i was safe anf sound inside my hyundai | |
| 637 | + | % | |
| 638 | + | @dril: GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC-- WILL THIS COMMON TUBERCULOSIS VACCINE GIVE ME THE GOOD AUTISM OR THE BAD AUTISM??? | |
| 639 | + | % | |
| 640 | + | @robwhisman: i've watched this roughly a thousand times and it never gets less amazing https://t.co/pwd14c3dsH | |
| 641 | + | % | |
| 642 | + | @BronzeHammer: when its time to put my dogs down, im not taking them to the cold, sterile vet to say goodbye. ill just throw a nerf football into a volcano | |
| 643 | + | % | |
| 644 | + | @leyawn: dude... DUDE... why do we drive on the highway and get high in my driveway | |
| 645 | + | % | |
| 646 | + | @ahuj9: it's so hard to find a good babysitter these days. no one will sit on my infant for money. | |
| 647 | + | % | |
| 648 | + | @spaceship_earth: i know a certain pick up 'artist' who ran a sick magic 'routine,' hung around with hookers and has been living with his dad for 2000 years | |
| 649 | + | % | |
| 650 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life | |
| 651 | + | % | |
| 652 | + | @boring_as_heck: I own one of those shirts that lights up when you're listening to music, and I vote. | |
| 653 | + | % | |
| 654 | + | @fart: so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over | |
| 655 | + | % | |
| 656 | + | @MuscularSon: I'm looking for 3 Hyper Muscular Latino Grandads to come over and rattle some chains and frighten my large sons into going to bed early | |
| 657 | + | % | |
| 658 | + | @hamsandcastle: Ah you might think that is a female dwarf! But that is actually a bit of a miss gnomer. | |
| 659 | + | % | |
| 660 | + | @ieatanddrink: Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you're doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I'll explain | |
| 661 | + | % | |
| 662 | + | @KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE | |
| 663 | + | 1 Ricochet | |
| 664 | + | 2 Retrieve, rethrow | |
| 665 | + | 3 Line up birds precisely | |
| 666 | + | 4 Huge boulder | |
| 667 | + | 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief | |
| 668 | + | % | |
| 669 | + | @ahuj9: Death is Certain, Charlie Brown | |
| 670 | + | % | |
| 671 | + | @cat_beltane: ON THE FLIGHT, MY ACCOMPLICES & I COMBINE OUR 3-OUNCE SHAMPOOS INTO 1 CONTAINER. "THIS IS IT, BOYS.." I WHISPER "THE DEADLY 9-OUNCE SHAMPOO" | |
| 672 | + | % | |
| 673 | + | @dangerousneil: whenever i order pizza onjline i feel like sandra bullock in The Net | |
| 674 | + | % | |
| 675 | + | @UrplePingo: What idiot called it Lake Titicaca instead of Boobshit Lagoon | |
| 676 | + | % | |
| 677 | + | @brideylee: What's your favorite band? I'm kidding. | |
| 678 | + | % | |
| 679 | + | @BronzeHammer: *arches a piss stream into a trashcan from across the room while still sitting in my computer chair* I Fucking Love Science | |
| 680 | + | % | |
| 681 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that the grumpy cat is grumpy his paedomorphic expression is actually a look of longing, a longing for the void of nonexistence | |
| 682 | + | % | |
| 683 | + | @ahuj9: "Ugh, I can't wait to change my name to something cool." - Eugene Zombie, before he became Rob Zombie. | |
| 684 | + | % | |
| 685 | + | @brendlewhat: as grandma used to say, if you can't abstract yourself from something through a layer of proprietary technology, don't bother doing it. | |
| 686 | + | % | |
| 687 | + | @graeyalien: my idiot daughter got married to a snippet of dubsteb beat!!!!!!! i regret bring family to america!!!!!!!!! | |
| 688 | + | % | |
| 689 | + | @boring_as_heck: *throws my hat in the ring* can you guys stop boxing for a minute so I can grab my hat | |
| 690 | + | % | |
| 691 | + | @ahuj9: Or the singular form, Tom Hank | |
| 692 | + | % | |
| 693 | + | @doctor_ass: "69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal | |
| 694 | + | % | |
| 695 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: when I pierce the egg with my fork I like to let out a high-pitched wail as the yolk bleeds all over the plate | |
| 696 | + | % | |
| 697 | + | @tastefactory: Son, it's time we had a talk about Burt's Bees... In 1984, co-founder Roxanne Quimby began making candles from Burt Shavitz's leftover beesw | |
| 698 | + | % | |
| 699 | + | @Dead_Wizard: "Thunder is the angels listening to dubstep" I said to my son. I gently removed his Google Glass and tucked him into his Pepsi Sleep Cocoon | |
| 700 | + | % | |
| 701 | + | @disaster_dog: just broke up with my boyfriend via pacman highest score names | |
| 702 | + | % | |
| 703 | + | @buttplanet: Mark Zuckerberg announces changes to Facebook newsfeed. "More racist uncles," he said. "You'll see 180% more racist uncles posting things." | |
| 704 | + | % | |
| 705 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that bulls hate the color red what they really hate is being born into a uncaring godless universe and when boys dont text back | |
| 706 | + | % | |
| 707 | + | @WyanRilson: *gets bit by an radioactive white girl* | |
| 708 | + | *my legs turn to yoga pants* | |
| 709 | + | I FCUKEN LOVE GRUNMPY CAT | |
| 710 | + | % | |
| 711 | + | @brownboyblues: dude whoever named the orangutan good fucking job man lol | |
| 712 | + | % | |
| 713 | + | @weedhitler: party glock is in my mouth tonight, this joke’s dated and i wanna fucking die | |
| 714 | + | % | |
| 715 | + | @bridger_w: The year is 2043. The world population has exploded to over 10 billion. Gangs of ruthless criminals roam the streets. Judge Judy is dead | |
| 716 | + | % | |
| 717 | + | @freecialis: Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings...could you remind me again how many Ulysses has? | |
| 718 | + | % | |
| 719 | + | @cat_beltane: a good way 2 find out if yr a dog person or cat person is ask yrself would i rather live with a big weird toddler or a blood-drinking demon | |
| 720 | + | % | |
| 721 | + | @graeyalien: "as much protein as 1 egg!" we're all soooo impressed GoLean Crunch. maybe i'll just go buy 1 egg. fucking idiot crunch. braggart. | |
| 722 | + | % | |
| 723 | + | @thatsnotkosher: i’m so fucking stressed after finding out i’m the only one who can prevent forest fires | |
| 724 | + | % | |
| 725 | + | @electrolemon: wow, cool bo staff donatello. i mean, he has a gun, but yeah, thanks for bringing a tall stick to the drug bust. piece of shit idiot turtle | |
| 726 | + | % | |
| 727 | + | @dry_hugs: *leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire | |
| 728 | + | % | |
| 729 | + | @glenna_opt: charlotte's web presence | |
| 730 | + | % | |
| 731 | + | @BassoonJokes: Has the mayor of Detroit tried the money cheat from Sim City 2000? | |
| 732 | + | % | |
| 733 | + | @rad_milk: i pull my face out from between your thighs and spin the propeller on my hat | |
| 734 | + | % | |
| 735 | + | @lordbeef: A horror movie designed for tiny dogs that's just people periodically making sudden movements | |
| 736 | + | % | |
| 737 | + | @bonerman_inc: LADIES - call me the phonebook because you're still not 100% sure how to stop me from appearing uninvited at your doorstop every few months | |
| 738 | + | % | |
| 739 | + | @UrplePingo: Kinda dumb that they don't call boxing "fisting" isn't it? Anyway welcome to Applebee's can I start you folks off with some drinks? | |
| 740 | + | % | |
| 741 | + | @fart: i hope this tweet in which i express my feeling that we should pardon bradley manning is the one that turns the tide and makes it happen | |
| 742 | + | % | |
| 743 | + | @robfee: Air Buds coach is screamin at the refs but theres no rule saying the other team cant toss beggin strips into the stands. Air Buds goin nuts. | |
| 744 | + | % | |
| 745 | + | @mrdavehill: Erotic short story #218: A couple was getting married and a guy showed up and beat everyone up with a cross and banged the bride on a bus. | |
| 746 | + | % | |
| 747 | + | @FuckTyping: I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. | |
| 748 | + | *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* | |
| 749 | + | Cats are also cute. | |
| 750 | + | % | |
| 751 | + | @HunkyJimpjorps: avoid these rap boasts: longest crying jag, loosest stools, most panic attacks at the supermarket, most dead houseplants, deepest ennui | |
| 752 | + | % | |
| 753 | + | @extranapkins: Today saw a font in Papyrus (ugh!) and I said "should of used Helvetica!" out loud to myself. Yeah I know a lot about Fonts and design | |
| 754 | + | % | |
| 755 | + | @AHoleAlex: f the haters. seronade the haters. braise the haters w a nice orange glaze. bury the haters in freshly tilled loam. water haters frequently | |
| 756 | + | % | |
| 757 | + | @Fart_Bringer: "Great work God! It looks like youre all done designing humans so le-" | |
| 758 | + | "Give em hair on their asses" | |
| 759 | + | "What? Are you su-" | |
| 760 | + | "Give em ass hair" | |
| 761 | + | % | |
| 762 | + | @chuchugoogoo: what a lovely day, the birds are chirping, the jeffgolds are in blum | |
| 763 | + | % | |
| 764 | + | @ahuj9: yo how'd that dog turn into a helmet *points to turtle* | |
| 765 | + | % | |
| 766 | + | @leh0n: Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper | |
| 767 | + | % | |
| 768 | + | @MuscularSon: yeah lemme get a 12 inch toasted BMT with *slowed down voice* all these hard ass cookies for free | |
| 769 | + | % | |
| 770 | + | @leducviolet: haterade is packed with disrespectrolytes | |
| 771 | + | % | |
| 772 | + | @robwhisman: yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out | |
| 773 | + | % | |
| 774 | + | @dogboner: i call him Dang cook because im always like Dang this guy rocks lol | |
| 775 | + | % | |
| 776 | + | @rush_less: let slip the dogs of war. rub bellies of the dogs of war. scratch behind the ears of the dogs of war. whos a good dog of war. yes you are | |
| 777 | + | % | |
| 778 | + | @SamGrittner: Any pizza is personal if it killed your father | |
| 779 | + | % | |
| 780 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: what base is it when you steal his mail | |
| 781 | + | % | |
| 782 | + | @bedbugs99: thursday mornings i lay out on the curb with the trash. "we simply cannot take you," the trash men always say, "we'd get in trouble." | |
| 783 | + | % | |
| 784 | + | @drewtoothpaste: I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others' jobs | |
| 785 | + | % | |
| 786 | + | @boring_as_heck: "world's greatest dad"? *knocks mug out of my son's hands, shattering it* | |
| 787 | + | more like world's shittiest mug. bring me the mug with tits on it | |
| 788 | + | % | |
| 789 | + | @TriciaLockwood: .@parisreview So is Paris any good or not | |
| 790 | + | % | |
| 791 | + | @ahuj9: Ages 0-2: suck on a tity. Ages 2-14: no tity. Ages 14+ suck on a tity | |
| 792 | + | % | |
| 793 | + | @Bro_Pair: "how do you plead" "i plead guilty...to reenacting the non-stop action of Pacific Rim in a hotel lobby full of pussies | |
| 794 | + | % | |
| 795 | + | @sarahjeong: "Why don't you have a job? All you have to do is learn how to code," Patrick Bateman taunts his homeless victim | |
| 796 | + | % | |
| 797 | + | @Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible | |
| 798 | + | % | |
| 799 | + | @lowtax: I would like to share my controversial opinion on the Jews, but I can't decide which Pirate Bay torrent I should comment in | |
| 800 | + | % | |
| 801 | + | @Busocco: How much for the horse tornado? | |
| 802 | + | Sir, that's a carousel. | |
| 803 | + | I must have it. | |
| 804 | + | % | |
| 805 | + | @Lazer_Cat_: *spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I'm sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo* | |
| 806 | + | % | |
| 807 | + | @Lazer_Cat_: "Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!" "Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!" *We both grin and put on bibs* | |
| 808 | + | % | |
| 809 | + | @Lowenaffchen: Cracked presents The Top 5 Phases of the Moon. 5) Waxing gibbous. This motherfucker is almost entirely visible | |
| 810 | + | % | |
| 811 | + | @boring_as_heck: *drives pickup truck through the front of your house* no fuckin way are dolphins mammals | |
| 812 | + | % | |
| 813 | + | @chuchugoogoo: "hey hand me some of that crude metal" | |
| 814 | + | "the lead or the iron?" | |
| 815 | + | "either ore" | |
| 816 | + | % | |
| 817 | + | @Trill_shitman: Girl in line at Texas state fair: "every time I drink a water bottle of vodka I black out" whoa weird me too are we soulmates? | |
| 818 | + | % | |
| 819 | + | @Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying | |
| 820 | + | "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume | |
| 821 | + | % | |
| 822 | + | @extranapkins: Thanks for shopping at Krogers. Thats not cum on my pants by the way. It looks like cum, but its wood glue. Did you find everything ok today | |
| 823 | + | % | |
| 824 | + | @promissory_boat: fact about me: i once asked a drug dealer if could buy "a single pot" and he asked me to leave. | |
| 825 | + | % | |
| 826 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: To get your Native American name, ask a real Native American what his name is and then unjustly appropriate it | |
| 827 | + | % | |
| 828 | + | @dammitbabies: you can lead a horse to water but if you want your horse to go hard, sport stronger, and crush the competition, lead your horse to Gatorade™ | |
| 829 | + | % | |
| 830 | + | @tinypantsbitch: #AwkwardThingsToSayInTheBedroom this is the kitchen | |
| 831 | + | % | |
| 832 | + | @eliyudin: "As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants | |
| 833 | + | % | |
| 834 | + | @woodmuffin: In GTA V you can knock out someone walking their dog and take control of it. Press triangle to use Dog. | |
| 835 | + | % | |
| 836 | + | @dril: The Foundation For The Restoration Of American Honor Has Given President Barack Hussein Obama A Hitler Rating Of 34. This Is The Worst One. | |
| 837 | + | % | |
| 838 | + | @dril: WHAT DO WE WANT | |
| 839 | + | "Memes" | |
| 840 | + | WHEN DO WE WANT IT | |
| 841 | + | "Instead of regular jokes" | |
| 842 | + | % | |
| 843 | + | @cowcaster: you are what you eat, as they say. which is why im going to eat this flaming cornucopia of weevils and medical waste | |
| 844 | + | % | |
| 845 | + | @spaceship_earth: "The condemned will now be allowed to make a final statement." Yes Warden, what idiot called it the Iditarod instead of Polar Derby | |
| 846 | + | % | |
| 847 | + | @nice_mustard: sex ed was really awkward in high school nobody wanted to eat lunch with that dude | |
| 848 | + | % | |
| 849 | + | @mollersandb: I'm sorry Father, but do you have any gluten free Body Of Christ? | |
| 850 | + | % | |
| 851 | + | @michaeljhudson: I told everyone at the party how much I love MC Escher and I got some weird stairs | |
| 852 | + | % | |
| 853 | + | @koala_hugs: Please, call me Son. Dad was my father | |
| 854 | + | % | |
| 855 | + | @duplicitron: You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you." | |
| 856 | + | % | |
| 857 | + | @dril: what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more | |
| 858 | + | % | |
| 859 | + | @othersome: this pair of size 69 shoes were not worth in comical value what they cost in remortgaging my house | |
| 860 | + | % | |
| 861 | + | @johnfreiler: if i had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever | |
| 862 | + | % | |
| 863 | + | @BassoonJokes: technically ALL words are made up. i mean someone made them up at some point in time. so shut it, and let me play "Blurporg" for 52 points | |
| 864 | + | % | |
| 865 | + | @wolfpupy: an egg and spoon race can go a lot of ways. if its down hill bet on egg. if theres a big magnet at the finish line bet on spoon | |
| 866 | + | % | |
| 867 | + | @four_eels: two things if you’re a sax player with a ponytail: | |
| 868 | + | 1) congrats | |
| 869 | + | 2) u should grow the pony out long enough to use as a strap for ur sax | |
| 870 | + | % | |
| 871 | + | @filth_waste: i told this homeless guy to get a job and he just chattered and ran up a tree with his acorn smh | |
| 872 | + | % | |
| 873 | + | @filth_waste: how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch | |
| 874 | + | % | |
| 875 | + | @filth_waste: haters in the club telling me to pay child support. haters banging they gavel. | |
| 876 | + | % | |
| 877 | + | @neonwario: you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought | |
| 878 | + | % | |
| 879 | + | @dril: my spinning 3d head rises from a dumpster full of discarded shrimp who were born fucked up by the bp oil spill. eeyaaghhHHH!!! im ALIVE baby | |
| 880 | + | % | |
| 881 | + | @ahuj9: those obstacle mud courses are gettin really popular so i'm cashin in on this fad by filling this mcdonald's playplace with my own shit | |
| 882 | + | % | |
| 883 | + | @graeyalien: New Gamer Salute i just cam e up with | |
| 884 | + | Gamer 1:Game in Courage | |
| 885 | + | Gamer 2: As True Gamers Dare | |
| 886 | + | Both in Unison: May We Game Forever | |
| 887 | + | % | |
| 888 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: if I ever get to Heaven I'm going to ask God why some people put bullet hole stickers on their cars | |
| 889 | + | % | |
| 890 | + | @earfdae: I'll have what she's having. | |
| 891 | + | ||
| 892 | + | *points to garbage truck violently shaking the alley dumpster into its open mechanical maw* | |
| 893 | + | % | |
| 894 | + | @ahuj9: The fact that the Blue Man Group is still around is really discouraging to the unemployed. | |
| 895 | + | % | |
| 896 | + | @bransonbranson: *walks into pet store* what is this some kind of pet cemetery for alive dogs | |
| 897 | + | % | |
| 898 | + | @bransonbranson: i was at six flags chicago today and the staff there realized quick that it was my Emotions that were the Real Roller Coaster | |
| 899 | + | % | |
| 900 | + | @bransonbranson: "One soft taco for one Hard man," they say, in the taco bell of my dreams | |
| 901 | + | % | |
| 902 | + | @bransonbranson: me and my future wife will be able to kill a 30 pack in ~3 hours | |
| 903 | + | % | |
| 904 | + | @boring_as_heck: religion is stupid. I hate it *dude in a rumpled suit knocks on my door at 6 pm and gives me a Jesus brochure* hm.. some salient points here | |
| 905 | + | % | |
| 906 | + | @stuartcraig: Please call me Dick, Penis was my father | |
| 907 | + | % | |
| 908 | + | @stuartcraig: Idk why everyone is so pissed off about the friend-zone. I'm pretty sure there's a ball pit and maybe even laser tag | |
| 909 | + | % | |
| 910 | + | @stuartcraig: My password for everything is weedfart0 | |
| 911 | + | "Why 0?" | |
| 912 | + | Well Cathy that is the year that Jesus was born | |
| 913 | + | % | |
| 914 | + | @gewqk: i'm a speed reader. *looks at train* that's fast. *looks at my chex mix* it's goin really slow | |
| 915 | + | % | |
| 916 | + | @fart: liquor before beer, can i take a nap here. beer before liquor, can i text your sister | |
| 917 | + | % | |
| 918 | + | @nice_mustard: what idiot named them push up bras instead of brescalators | |
| 919 | + | % | |
| 920 | + | @nice_mustard: your porn star name is your first dog and the street you grew up on. cool mine is "spider prison" where are the auditions | |
| 921 | + | % | |
| 922 | + | @Penis_Zorro: *jay-z hangs painting* | |
| 923 | + | hows that? | |
| 924 | + | "to the left to the left" | |
| 925 | + | now? | |
| 926 | + | "to the left to the left" | |
| 927 | + | *painting goes out window* | |
| 928 | + | dammit bey thats 5 now | |
| 929 | + | % | |
| 930 | + | @virgiltexas: "Mr. President, what's your favorite place to make whoopee?" | |
| 931 | + | ||
| 932 | + | The audience hoots and Obama grins, his mind turning to the Drone Murder Room. | |
| 933 | + | % | |
| 934 | + | @crylenol: What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour? | |
| 935 | + | % | |
| 936 | + | @neonwario: know where i can find some dudes whose profile pictures are them wearing headphones in a dark room, faces illuminated by a computer screen? | |
| 937 | + | % | |
| 938 | + | @boring_as_heck: Today on The View, Drew Barrymore stops by to chat about her latest project. Plus, our favorite cocktails! Then: vaccines cause autism. | |
| 939 | + | % | |
| 940 | + | @chiIIdog: my friends have discovered bronies independent of me & we are all having a good laugh and im trying to conceal how much i know about bronies | |
| 941 | + | % | |
| 942 | + | @boring_as_heck: I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING... WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL." | |
| 943 | + | % | |
| 944 | + | @crylenol: Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain | |
| 945 | + | % | |
| 946 | + | @mattytalks: My tweets are good as hell and that's why I'm in a sauna full of hot babes and they're feeding me hoagies while I coo | |
| 947 | + | % | |
| 948 | + | @brendohare: You actually miss 0% of the shots you don't take, that's how shots work | |
| 949 | + | % | |
| 950 | + | @sskylark: pretty much all your freestyle raps are thinly-veiled ads for the recorder lessons you offer for kids | |
| 951 | + | % | |
| 952 | + | @degg: all the other guys wearing hawaiian shirts and ponytails are pieces of shit. not me though, i look good and cool. im the cool one doing this | |
| 953 | + | % | |
| 954 | + | @MikesRadTwites: Swallow paint, shitbird. Eat fuck and choke on it. - last words to my awful 9yo son as I sold him for a bag of original Utz and a used dildo | |
| 955 | + | % | |
| 956 | + | @mostlyfeelings: put a fedora on the water cooler at work so people will stop congregating around it | |
| 957 | + | % | |
| 958 | + | @cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF MOST WILD IN THE SACK TO LEAST WILD IN THE SACK: | |
| 959 | + | ||
| 960 | + | S X Q O B P R W M Y V D I G E F U C H K A J N Z T L | |
| 961 | + | % | |
| 962 | + | @tastefactory: "See that area up there? I'd like to somehow be standing up there." - inventor of stairs | |
| 963 | + | % | |
| 964 | + | @WinkyBonky: *I bury grandma in the sand* sandma | |
| 965 | + | *I karate chop grandpa in the head* handpa | |
| 966 | + | *I have to order a new grandpa on the internet* on demandpa | |
| 967 | + | % | |
| 968 | + | @leyawn: "allstate. are you?" | |
| 969 | + | "like a good neighbor, state farm is" | |
| 970 | + | -new ad ideas existential insurance do not steal thx | |
| 971 | + | % | |
| 972 | + | @four_eels: a horse walks into a bar. an elephant walks into a library. a lion walks into a hospital. it’s been five years since the last human vanished | |
| 973 | + | % | |
| 974 | + | @brendohare: *gently rolls over in bed* Parkour | |
| 975 | + | % | |
| 976 | + | @brendohare: Seriously all I did today was eat waffles and watch Wall-E how am I going to make fun of a guy for having a fake girlfriend | |
| 977 | + | % | |
| 978 | + | @brendohare: Andre 3000 arrives in hell. He timidly approaches Satan and says "W...what's cooler than being cool?" Satan loves irony & Andre is set free | |
| 979 | + | % | |
| 980 | + | @brendohare: Hey SCIENTIST: If global warming is real, then why is it COLD outside? Why isn't it HOT? Where does the sun go at NIGHT? Where did I PARK? | |
| 981 | + | % | |
| 982 | + | @leyawn: ad idea: robin willams stumbles out of hte jumanji game. checks his iphone 5 damn hes got hell of apps to update. good gadget ad imo hire me | |
| 983 | + | % | |
| 984 | + | @DinkMagic: if u have a shitload of money you can buy a special other house by a lake with shittier versions of all your stuff and go there to eat chips | |
| 985 | + | % | |
| 986 | + | @bransonbranson: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and 9 others who fuck regularly | |
| 987 | + | % | |
| 988 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: Strength alone is not enough; your password must also have Compassion | |
| 989 | + | % | |
| 990 | + | @Bro_Pair: president obama.....isnt it fucked up and weird to try and imagine two pterodactyls having sex. imagine the noises. i dont have a question. | |
| 991 | + | % | |
| 992 | + | @PajamaBen_: This is my Charizard card and this is my Zapdos, Blastoise an- | |
| 993 | + | Sir, stop- | |
| 994 | + | Don't interrupt me. This is Gen- | |
| 995 | + | Sir, you had the job at Charizard | |
| 996 | + | % | |
| 997 | + | @Aeshir: take me down to parallax city where the hills move quickly and the mountains behind move less quickly | |
| 998 | + | % | |
| 999 | + | @bread_thing: I work at a grocery store and every time I volunteer to do something I say "aisle do it" and it's a joke only for me | |
| 1000 | + | % | |
| 1001 | + | @bread_thing: hey girl do you wanna *pulls out dictionary* *looks up sex* woah gross what the heck never mind | |
| 1002 | + | % | |
| 1003 | + | @crushingbort: Please select a card theme: | |
| 1004 | + | ☐ Birthday | |
| 1005 | + | ☐ Graduation | |
| 1006 | + | ☐ It's A Boy/Girl! | |
| 1007 | + | ☑ Even Though Shark Attacks Are Statistically Very Rare, I'm Sorry | |
| 1008 | + | % | |
| 1009 | + | @wolfpupy: theres nothing in the rule book that says i cant kiss the basketball | |
| 1010 | + | % | |
| 1011 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: "What is the meaning of life?" "Why are we here?"my gold fish keeps opening his mouth to reply but doesn't know how to word it yet. i wait | |
| 1012 | + | % | |
| 1013 | + | @fart: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, those who don’t, and like 8 others i guess | |
| 1014 | + | % | |
| 1015 | + | @crushingbort: Cute girl at the bar already got a boyfriend? Not a problem--you printed out your best Rainbow Road track times for a reason. | |
| 1016 | + | % | |
| 1017 | + | @nap_dad: "sometimes men can be so misleading / to take what they need from you" says a man writing an album to get himself laid | |
| 1018 | + | % | |
| 1019 | + | @IGotsSmarts: Taylor Swift When Taylor Being Chased By Predator | |
| 1020 | + | % | |
| 1021 | + | @WeedCoffin: how come when jesus heals the blind hes "amazing" but when i glue googly eyes on a deer's butt i'm "kicked in the face by a deer" | |
| 1022 | + | % | |
| 1023 | + | @DieselCheese: want to see who can fit more crackers in their mouth | |
| 1024 | + | "dad i dont care" | |
| 1025 | + | tahts nine | |
| 1026 | + | "dad i have homework to do" | |
| 1027 | + | ats fefteem ur losing | |
| 1028 | + | % | |
| 1029 | + | @jawbroken: November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone | |
| 1030 | + | % | |
| 1031 | + | @othersome: obama moves the microphone away, points at a member of the press, turns to the secret service and whispers “he wants the d” | |
| 1032 | + | % | |
| 1033 | + | @thefurlinator: *phone vibrates* | |
| 1034 | + | ... | |
| 1035 | + | *phone vibrates again* | |
| 1036 | + | "Sir, you might want to answer that, freedom is calling" | |
| 1037 | + | "No, let freedom ring" | |
| 1038 | + | % | |
| 1039 | + | @leyawn: doc you gotta help me. i cant tell if im purchasing and consuming Bud Lite Lime-A-Ritas® ironically or sincerely anymore. the refreshing rea | |
| 1040 | + | % | |
| 1041 | + | @othersome: did you done a crim? hi im Bill Lawyer and if u done a Bad Thing, i wil put on my suit and go to the jodge and tell him u didnt do it #Law | |
| 1042 | + | % | |
| 1043 | + | @MuscularSon: happy birthday america. i love this country even though there's a clause in the constitiution that say s i cant mow a clitoris into my lawn | |
| 1044 | + | % | |
| 1045 | + | @spaceship_earth: "Sir, please stop downing those can beers" The experiment requires me to continue | |
| 1046 | + | % | |
| 1047 | + | @ingmarbirdman: if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door | |
| 1048 | + | % | |
| 1049 | + | @ingmarbirdman: after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode | |
| 1050 | + | % | |
| 1051 | + | @boring_as_heck: Hearing reports that Twitter may "unverify" Aaron Hernandez. Talk about irreparable damage to one's brand. Heavy stuff. | |
| 1052 | + | % | |
| 1053 | + | @crispinbest: "bitch i might be" - shrödinger's cat | |
| 1054 | + | % | |
| 1055 | + | @robwhisman: fuck/marry/kill: anthropomorphized red m&m, anthropomorphized yellow m&m, anthropomorphized brown m&m | |
| 1056 | + | % | |
| 1057 | + | @BrodyKenny: have too much to drink? get a friend to call you a cab. they'll be like "you're a cab" and you'll likely find it amusing due to intoxication | |
| 1058 | + | % | |
| 1059 | + | @blaudiablogan: Had a great dinner at the C*****r Barrel | |
| 1060 | + | % | |
| 1061 | + | @rolldiggity: The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand. | |
| 1062 | + | % | |
| 1063 | + | @graeyalien: Hmm What should | |
| 1064 | + | my sexy r&b singer name be? Seal? As in aquatic seals? Sea creature. Swimmy mammal. rep that for rest of my life i guess. | |
| 1065 | + | % | |
| 1066 | + | @bonus500: High school debate champion wins again by answering "Yes it does" 93 times in a row to 92 consecutive arguments of "No it doesn't" | |
| 1067 | + | % | |
| 1068 | + | @tylerschmall: *coach takes huge hit off blunt* | |
| 1069 | + | "Fuck it I'm putting in the dog." | |
| 1070 | + | % | |
| 1071 | + | @rad_milk: *hears a girl talkin about some hot guy* hmph he probably cant even wield a sword very good lmao | |
| 1072 | + | % | |
| 1073 | + | @AceMakesWords: Tragedy strikes us today as a local "Caution Tape" factory explodes, leaving officials unsure how to properly barricade the area | |
| 1074 | + | % | |
| 1075 | + | @varylarge: i think blink 182 put the 182 at the end of there name bcuz they wanted to just be blink but the hotmail email adress was all ready taken | |
| 1076 | + | % | |
| 1077 | + | @MuscularSon: hey kids *sits on a backwards chair* when you think about it the first php bulletin board was really the bible. check it out sometime | |
| 1078 | + | % | |
| 1079 | + | @JoughStrix: You say potato. I say potato as well. We cannot stop saying potato. We die. Our tombstones read 'potato.' death is the only escape. | |
| 1080 | + | % | |
| 1081 | + | @crushingbort: "When is a door not a door? When it's ablaze." I kick the door down, impressing the other firefighters with both my humor and strength | |
| 1082 | + | % | |
| 1083 | + | @leyawn: the guy next to me is havin a way better convo with his hairdresser cmon leon step it up "SO WATS YOUR FAV THING ABOUT HAIR" fuck fuck ffuck | |
| 1084 | + | % | |
| 1085 | + | @degg: im fat but handsome and my hair is luxurious. my butt smells and i cant stress enough how heavyset i am | |
| 1086 | + | % | |
| 1087 | + | @jitka: "Slim Jim" is short for "Slames James" | |
| 1088 | + | % | |
| 1089 | + | @UrplePingo: Well I'm fluent in three dialects of Elvish so that explains the panties in the chandelier | |
| 1090 | + | % | |
| 1091 | + | @yourpalsparky: some may tell you bulbasaur was the best pokemon to start with cause he's good against rock & water but guess what life is full of hardship | |
| 1092 | + | % | |
| 1093 | + | @DankHerbMullet: aqua teen hunger games | |
| 1094 | + | % | |
| 1095 | + | @DankHerbMullet: should never have brought babar to the damn club "i like learning" be cool, babar. fuck. | |
| 1096 | + | % | |
| 1097 | + | @ivanthefargo: Best quote from zoo today: "mom checkout the monkeys or whatever the fuck in here" - a full grown man in reference to the meerkat exhibit. | |
| 1098 | + | % | |
| 1099 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: lady, if my sea lion impression where i strip nude & eat raw fish gets more attention than ur zoo animals, then ur zoo's the problem. not me | |
| 1100 | + | % | |
| 1101 | + | @stuartcraig: At 11:11 I wish that everyone who is superstitious would take a science class | |
| 1102 | + | % | |
| 1103 | + | @grifteezy: What a crazy world! Pizza is a fruit, water is a metal, anime is a mental disorder. The sky is flames. A 4th dimensional skull is president | |
| 1104 | + | % | |
| 1105 | + | @dril: fucking Nude Man ruine all our laser tag games, cant shoot him cause he isnt wearing the vest, cant rack up any points against him | |
| 1106 | + | % | |
| 1107 | + | @Lowenaffchen: 1863: I'm standing on the Mason-Dixon line rubbing the Union and Confederate flags together and making kissing noises. Everyone is yelling | |
| 1108 | + | % | |
| 1109 | + | @BuckyIsotope: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's" I sob as I cram them into both barrels of a loaded shotgun and put it in my mouth. I die delicious. | |
| 1110 | + | % | |
| 1111 | + | @meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name | |
| 1112 | + | % | |
| 1113 | + | @ahuj9: the best part about being a cartographer is you can use height maps and contour lines to figure out the best place to make out | |
| 1114 | + | % | |
| 1115 | + | @postcrunk: stereotypes persist because they're more marketable than the idea of individual complex beings with unfathomable realities | |
| 1116 | + | % | |
| 1117 | + | @MuscularSon: *slides next to girl at the bar* and imo the whole subculture of weird twitter is just an extension of post modernism | |
| 1118 | + | % | |
| 1119 | + | @MuscularSon: just realized that the Aeron Chair by Herman Miller - Highly Adjustable Graphite Frame - with PostureFit - Carbon Classic (Medium) cant hug | |
| 1120 | + | % | |
| 1121 | + | @bransonbranson: grow my dick four inches in *four* weeks???!?!??? but the winter formal is on saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| 1122 | + | % | |
| 1123 | + | @bransonbranson: i'm dry humping the shit out of this chick in a one piece bathing suit in this outdoor motel hot tub and i voted Cigarettes for president | |
| 1124 | + | % | |
| 1125 | + | @brendlewhat: Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open* | |
| 1126 | + | % | |
| 1127 | + | @bug_deal: ive been dating your mom…. carbon dating that is ;D she's ten million years old and ive been Fucking her too | |
| 1128 | + | % | |
| 1129 | + | @Bro_Pair: You like my tweets, homo? *flexes biceps* yeah I bet you like my tweets you big fag *arches rippling back* | |
| 1130 | + | % | |
| 1131 | + | @briangaar: My dad keeps calling lol I'm not talking to someone with 20 followers | |
| 1132 | + | % | |
| 1133 | + | @hamsandcastle: Just learned that bathrooms don't count as rides in Roller Coaster Tycoon and am shutting down Toilet Acres with a heavy heart. | |
| 1134 | + | % | |
| 1135 | + | @lizard_wizard77: yr tellin me i left the forest for the 1st time in my fuckin life for shoes w/ wheels?? wish i never even found this coupon for rollerblades | |
| 1136 | + | % | |
| 1137 | + | @BevisSimpson: Next on the discovery channel an elephant balancing on a ball. And you wont believe how many clowns come out of one car. Next on discovery | |
| 1138 | + | % | |
| 1139 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: "PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... | |
| 1140 | + | ||
| 1141 | + | P - PLEASUREFUL | |
| 1142 | + | I - INTERESTING | |
| 1143 | + | Z - CANT THINK OF ONE | |
| 1144 | + | Z - CANT THINK OF ONE | |
| 1145 | + | A - "AGG"-CELLENT | |
| 1146 | + | % | |
| 1147 | + | @RorynotRoy: “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden | |
| 1148 | + | % | |
| 1149 | + | @UtilityLimb: yes terry our job IS just to make them but shouldn't we tell someone about this order for 6,000,000,000 "BONESLAVE" novelty license plates? | |
| 1150 | + | % | |
| 1151 | + | @crushingbort: it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the guns taped to the dogs head *batman voice* Alfred look what I did to the dog | |
| 1152 | + | % | |
| 1153 | + | @Bro_Pair: Well....as the agreat Persian poet Rumi eonce wrote "Out beyond good and evil there is a field. Please let me finger you there" | |
| 1154 | + | % | |
| 1155 | + | @barf_bag_: *children line up, Captain von Trapp plays whistle* | |
| 1156 | + | ma$e, | |
| 1157 | + | ke$ha, | |
| 1158 | + | a$ap rocky | |
| 1159 | + | too $hort | |
| 1160 | + | curren$y | |
| 1161 | + | % | |
| 1162 | + | @mostlyfeelings: *cries because my lawnmover has moved on to another lawn* it is so sad | |
| 1163 | + | % | |
| 1164 | + | @crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com: | |
| 1165 | + | ||
| 1166 | + | *man yells nonsense out his window* | |
| 1167 | + | ||
| 1168 | + | Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way? | |
| 1169 | + | % | |
| 1170 | + | @fart: i've been going to starbucks a lot more ever since i decided my starbucks cup name is “Rasmussen” | |
| 1171 | + | % | |
| 1172 | + | @boring_as_heck: THIS IS A ROBBERY. Hand over all the cash, preferably in a giant suspicious bag with a dollar sign on it. | |
| 1173 | + | % | |
| 1174 | + | @boring_as_heck: Lebron. Are you happy you won. "Yes." There you have it, folks. | |
| 1175 | + | % | |
| 1176 | + | @TrevorsDumbass: take me down to the alzheimers city where the grass is green and welcome to the jungle | |
| 1177 | + | % | |
| 1178 | + | @TheThomason: A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom. | |
| 1179 | + | % | |
| 1180 | + | @nickmullen: calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son | |
| 1181 | + | % | |
| 1182 | + | @boring_as_heck: "A person of note has died. Time to change the tenses on their Wikipedia page." - literally multiple people | |
| 1183 | + | % | |
| 1184 | + | @graeyalien: OHHHHHHHHHHHH Bro + Ponies | |
| 1185 | + | % | |
| 1186 | + | @BronzeHammer: Hey kid...catch | |
| 1187 | + | *Lebron tosses kid his headband* | |
| 1188 | + | *Kid tosses it back* | |
| 1189 | + | Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker | |
| 1190 | + | % | |
| 1191 | + | @Fred_Delicious: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" | |
| 1192 | + | "officer, I'm..." | |
| 1193 | + | *turns to camera* | |
| 1194 | + | "double jointed" | |
| 1195 | + | *cop starts breakdancing* | |
| 1196 | + | % | |
| 1197 | + | @crushingbort: do you think Hitler was the kind of guy who marched up an escalator or did he just stood there and if so did he let other people go by | |
| 1198 | + | % | |
| 1199 | + | @MuscularSon: sexually frustrated frank caliendo tryin to pick up a 21 year old girl at the bar without doin the madden voice | |
| 1200 | + | % | |
| 1201 | + | @boring_as_heck: Rob, what was it like on the set of Grown-Ups 2? Must have been a real laugh riot! "Haha, it was a great experience. Vaccines cause autism." | |
| 1202 | + | % | |
| 1203 | + | @piss_wizard: NEW JO BSEARCH STRATEGY: GET DRUNK, REPLY WITH CV AND "YEAH I CAN DO THIS" TO EVERY ADVERT. DONT WASTE TIME READING THE ADVERT. | |
| 1204 | + | % | |
| 1205 | + | @ahuj9: *takes a picture of a stop sign and sends it to a blog about passive agressive notes* | |
| 1206 | + | % | |
| 1207 | + | @rov_rovovo: i made a graph of the reasons i've been dumped in the past. this is the ex-axis and this is the why-axis | |
| 1208 | + | % | |
| 1209 | + | @Kalarlis: look i'm sorry but when i committed myself to this relationship i didn't realize that you don't have netflix | |
| 1210 | + | % | |
| 1211 | + | @dubstep4dads: you've got a 9. would you like to hit, sir? | |
| 1212 | + | "sure" | |
| 1213 | + | *hands card* | |
| 1214 | + | "11? thats not even a card wh-" | |
| 1215 | + | *you look up. your dealer is bush. he grins* | |
| 1216 | + | % | |
| 1217 | + | @electrolemon: So the NSA heard everytime a girl told me I was great in bed?! [i peer over my shoulder & move closer to some women by the bar] So the NSA h | |
| 1218 | + | % | |
| 1219 | + | @dril: review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off | |
| 1220 | + | % | |
| 1221 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: Lil Wayne pauses. "You feel it?" The earth trembles again, harder. A crow caws. His eyes widen in fear as the the horns sound. "Big Wayne." | |
| 1222 | + | % | |
| 1223 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: Start an argument by adding another woman to the stick-figure family decals on the back of a minivan | |
| 1224 | + | % | |
| 1225 | + | @crushingbort: Hello, not-confident guy here. Mind if I group with you all? Trying to talk to a girl here among us. I'm not threatening anyone. So, sports | |
| 1226 | + | % | |
| 1227 | + | @crushingbort: She pre-ordered the D | |
| 1228 | + | % | |
| 1229 | + | @jitka: I can't believe nobody thought of sandwiches until like the 1700s. The past was stupid | |
| 1230 | + | % | |
| 1231 | + | @michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* | |
| 1232 | + | *is asked race sensitive question | |
| 1233 | + | "The thing is, I don't see color" | |
| 1234 | + | *crowd goes wild* | |
| 1235 | + | % | |
| 1236 | + | @DuncanIdunno: Judge a person by how long they commit to an unsuccessful attempt at starting a chant | |
| 1237 | + | % | |
| 1238 | + | @hell_homer: Hello, 911? My grandson said Windows 2000 is "gay and old like me" | |
| 1239 | + | % | |
| 1240 | + | @electrolemon: "Open the car doors, mom!" "The button is broken. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." Thus spoke Sara Thrustra, from her 2001 Honda Odyssey | |
| 1241 | + | % | |
| 1242 | + | @johnfreiler: most people move to the suburbs to escape the bustle of city life, find a better school district, or to have more room to bury the bodies | |
| 1243 | + | % | |
| 1244 | + | @ceejoyner: Kind of hard to be on time for work when I have to stop at every steaming sewer grate to rip a sax solo. | |
| 1245 | + | % | |
| 1246 | + | @Kyle_Lippert: A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man. | |
| 1247 | + | % | |
| 1248 | + | @Kyle_Lippert: If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, you've broken its spirit & it's now insecure & weak. It has been defeated. You won | |
| 1249 | + | % | |
| 1250 | + | @Kyle_Lippert: Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you. | |
| 1251 | + | % | |
| 1252 | + | @Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying | |
| 1253 | + | % | |
| 1254 | + | @leyawn: morpheus is making leon a sandwich!! *crew of the nebuchadnezzar stop what theyre doing and run to the control room* | |
| 1255 | + | % | |
| 1256 | + | @boring_as_heck: Tesla ftw. Big time Tesla fan here. F*ck yeah Tesla. Oh for the last god damn time I'm allowed to smoke this inside, it's an e-cig. | |
| 1257 | + | % | |
| 1258 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one" | |
| 1259 | + | % | |
| 1260 | + | @amelialikesyou: *takes sip of wine, staring out the window as Rain gently cascades off the Glass* i wonder how many times tom hanks Fucked that volleyball | |
| 1261 | + | % | |
| 1262 | + | @diaper_wolf: mum is mad that she bought me a treadmill & i never use it. shes wrong; i put a burger on it just this morning and had it zoom into my mouth | |
| 1263 | + | % | |
| 1264 | + | @leyawn: *looks at a beautiful swan* that is a bull shit goose | |
| 1265 | + | % | |
| 1266 | + | @leyawn: i hope every one is trying their best online today but also having fun | |
| 1267 | + | % | |
| 1268 | + | @leyawn: OBAMA: I PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET. ROMNEY [HASTILY]: UH I ALSO PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET #DEBATE #CAT #PLANET | |
| 1269 | + | % | |
| 1270 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: The NSA has been collecting millions of phone records, 80% of which were outgoing calls from the Jerk Store | |
| 1271 | + | % | |
| 1272 | + | @tastefactory: To make their essays seem longer, students in the Middle Ages often used Courier Olde font instead of the standard Medieval Times New Roman | |
| 1273 | + | % | |
| 1274 | + | @dril: i can't afford any rat literature because i spent too much money on the elaborate sign over my empty bookcase which reads "RAT LITERATURE" | |
| 1275 | + | % | |
| 1276 | + | @leyawn: hugghhhh yea this tomato is fresh. lets turn it into a stupid sugar paste instead fo a million other better things | |
| 1277 | + | % | |
| 1278 | + | @emergingthought: use discount code SMDH and we will shake our damn heads while we pack your order | |
| 1279 | + | % | |
| 1280 | + | @LordSuplexious: Hey everybody we're LinkedIn Park are we're gonna sing you a song about the correct way to page break on your resume | |
| 1281 | + | % | |
| 1282 | + | @michael_raphone: The fact that earthworms are called earthworms suggests the existrnce of sea worms and, more distressingly, air and fire worms. | |
| 1283 | + | % | |
| 1284 | + | @ChrisThayerSays: "I also enjoy fingering." - Michael Douglas announcing he has Carpal Tunnel | |
| 1285 | + | % | |
| 1286 | + | @sucittaM: When you ask me to tell someone you said hello I actually tell them you said the N word. Maybe just text them next time. | |
| 1287 | + | % | |
| 1288 | + | @spaceship_earth: yeah let me send u my snapchat, i love seeing your content so much, i want to look at it on a different app | |
| 1289 | + | % | |
| 1290 | + | @fart: i want to do something spontaneous like throw a dart at a map and live wherever it lands, then make a whole new life in the indian ocean | |
| 1291 | + | % | |
| 1292 | + | @dril: my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou | |
| 1293 | + | % | |
| 1294 | + | @dril: me and TekkenChauncey banned from red lobster after getting into scuffle over gradius canon & becoming tangled in decorative fishing net | |
| 1295 | + | % | |
| 1296 | + | @snazzmania: 2064; Gangnam Style plays softly over a diner radio. An old man gently takes his wife's hand. "Hey sexy lady, they're playing our song." | |
| 1297 | + | % | |
| 1298 | + | @snazzmania: What if your dog suddenly made the "AUWAH-AH-AH-AH" sound from Down With The Sickness, that'd be fucking terrifying | |
| 1299 | + | % | |
| 1300 | + | @nice_mustard: ladies, sex with me is like gun control. no matter how much we talk about it nothing happens bc we can't get it to work down south | |
| 1301 | + | % | |
| 1302 | + | @crushingbort: Air Bud sees his first murder scene after joining the force and throws up. "You'll get used to i--" Air Bud is already eating it all back up | |
| 1303 | + | % | |
| 1304 | + | @Lowenaffchen: Online tips: 1. Dont look at porno or your wife will find out 2. Theres a site called History that shows your wife what pornos you looked at | |
| 1305 | + | % | |
| 1306 | + | @electrolemon: "do you love trail mix, but hate all the gross peanuts and raisins in there? well guess what motherfucker," begins my kickstarter | |
| 1307 | + | % | |
| 1308 | + | @SexCarl: what you nimrods interpret as spam mail has provided me with several ipads and a massive, powerful penis | |
| 1309 | + | % | |
| 1310 | + | @TitaniumToplass: Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do | |
| 1311 | + | % | |
| 1312 | + | @mauracakes: If you're really hot you can express any horrible opinion with impunity. My goal weight is telling everyone that the Jews did 9/11 | |
| 1313 | + | % | |
| 1314 | + | @craigslistlove: Basically imagine Milhouse but taller | |
| 1315 | + | % | |
| 1316 | + | @laurenbutt: when girls go to the bathroom as a pair we are absolutely smooshing our boobs against each other and just generally having a ball | |
| 1317 | + | % | |
| 1318 | + | @tastefactory: Oh great, I just remembered I'm a weird, self-aware animal that lives on a big scary space rock. | |
| 1319 | + | % | |
| 1320 | + | @lizard_wizard77: “dont date the player date the game” –the rapper the game | |
| 1321 | + | % | |
| 1322 | + | @YUNGLIKEAHORSE: *kills hitler* hm, looks like i pitched a no-hitler *strangles himmler* the heindrich manuever *looks at camera* they did nazi that coming | |
| 1323 | + | % | |
| 1324 | + | @Mobute: 19 Companies That Made Huge Social Media Fails - | |
| 1325 | + | 1. Dessauer Chemist - Zyklon B. | |
| 1326 | + | 2. Union Carbide - Bhopal disaster. | |
| 1327 | + | 3. Dow - Napalm. | |
| 1328 | + | % | |
| 1329 | + | @Bro_Pair: typical media bias: none of the sunday morning talk shows said word 1 about me & a buddy getting our dicks caught in a chinese finger-trap | |
| 1330 | + | % | |
| 1331 | + | @ceejoyner: A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive. | |
| 1332 | + | % | |
| 1333 | + | @flannel_toilet: i have a phd in 90s remembering. my thesis is titled Non-Pejorative Slam Pieces: Pogs as Postmodern Expression of the Fucken Rad. unemployed | |
| 1334 | + | % | |
| 1335 | + | @brownboyblues: Thats So Raven! Wow Thats Really Raven! Whoa Thats A Little Too Raven. Hey Man Im Worried About How Raven That Is. Take It Easy On The Raven | |
| 1336 | + | % | |
| 1337 | + | @lawblob: if I had a time machine I'd go back and explain to Hitler how bad his personal brand was becoming | |
| 1338 | + | % | |
| 1339 | + | @leyawn: i got all my ducks in a chaotic, constantly moving flock that swarms around me wherever i go. we shit on your stupid row of ducks | |
| 1340 | + | % | |
| 1341 | + | @dril: what's that bitch?? you say twitter is a "vacuous cesspool of lackadaisical platitudism"? yeah, i can make up words too: blublubludgyuhgh | |
| 1342 | + | % | |
| 1343 | + | @dril: legally obligated to go door to door and inform neighbors of sex offender status but this is a good opportunity to sell my custom Gamecube's | |
| 1344 | + | % | |
| 1345 | + | @lawblob: hi it’s me, the guy with 30 followers. I’m here to talk about the spelling / grammar in your last tweet | |
| 1346 | + | % | |
| 1347 | + | @ariscott: 1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous | |
| 1348 | + | ||
| 1349 | + | 2003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known | |
| 1350 | + | ||
| 1351 | + | 2013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine | |
| 1352 | + | % | |
| 1353 | + | @weedguy420boner: When I die please remove the dirt compartment from my roomba and set him free in the streets | |
| 1354 | + | % | |
| 1355 | + | @mattytalks: I had a dream where I was visited by the ghost of Christmas fast and the ghost of Christmas furious | |
| 1356 | + | % | |
| 1357 | + | @mattytalks: "Stacy's Mom is Buried in my Lawn" ~ Fountains of John Wayne Gacy | |
| 1358 | + | % | |
| 1359 | + | @Home_Halfway: Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry. | |
| 1360 | + | % | |
| 1361 | + | @Are_Kelly: it's the remix to ignition/ college student edition/ i eat poptarts for dinner/ i can't afford my tuition | |
| 1362 | + | % | |
| 1363 | + | @Bro_Pair: "Tech support? Xbox One didn't measure my insulin level correctly...what? Died 3 years ago? impossible. I'M the owner of this Xbox. Unless-" | |
| 1364 | + | % | |
| 1365 | + | @crylenol: [Wu-Tang Pot Luck] | |
| 1366 | + | ||
| 1367 | + | "All I brought was the ruckus" | |
| 1368 | + | "Yea, me too." | |
| 1369 | + | "Did anyone not bring the ruckus?" | |
| 1370 | + | *silence* | |
| 1371 | + | % | |
| 1372 | + | @kbridge: The next meeting of Time Traveler's Club will be held immediately prior to this one, as you know. | |
| 1373 | + | % | |
| 1374 | + | @Tom_Vom: it's kinda dope to think that Tom Hanks and I are on the same internet, just browsing sites and having fun. | |
| 1375 | + | % | |
| 1376 | + | @lawblob: meeting women is easy. first, go to a place where women congregate, such as a pond or a windmill. then you wait…days, months, maybe years | |
| 1377 | + | % | |
| 1378 | + | @Duane1024: Do you have someone in your home who loves baseball? Then they will absolutely love a DVR: a digital video recorder. | |
| 1379 | + | % | |
| 1380 | + | @SCbchbum: Get the fuck out if you go on The People’s Court without a stack of irrelevant papers to shuffle through. | |
| 1381 | + | % | |
| 1382 | + | @WeedCoffin: *drags a dead body into apple store* YO WHERE'S SIRI I NEED SIRI RIGHT FUCKING NOW | |
| 1383 | + | % | |
| 1384 | + | @OuterJohn: In olden times an okcupid profile listed three things: length of mustache, number of wagons, and all-time favorite wheat field | |
| 1385 | + | % | |
| 1386 | + | @dammitbabies: ‘What’s cooler than cool?’ | |
| 1387 | + | You venture: Ice Cold? | |
| 1388 | + | “No.” Andre 3000 turns to face you. “Betrayal,” he sneers. | |
| 1389 | + | Your heart stops. He knows. | |
| 1390 | + | % | |
| 1391 | + | @famouscrab: some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what | |
| 1392 | + | % | |
| 1393 | + | @crushingbort: "You are NOT the father," Maury yells. Guy starts dancing. Richard Dawkins stands up in the audience. "Do you know who is also not a Father" | |
| 1394 | + | % | |
| 1395 | + | @mattytalks: What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering | |
| 1396 | + | % | |
| 1397 | + | @davedittell: I wish I was a stand up comedian, Stephen Hawking said as he blew out his candles. | |
| 1398 | + | TECHNICALLY THAT'S TWO WISHES, STEPHEN, BUT I'LL GRANT IT | |
| 1399 | + | % | |
| 1400 | + | @boring_as_heck: Hundreds of 69-year-olds commit mass suicide. "They'll have to say 69 on the news a lot," said the leader of the group, a huge bad-ass. | |
| 1401 | + | % | |
| 1402 | + | @boring_as_heck: Kudos to the reporters yelling "Do you smoke crack" at Rob Ford, as if maybe he'll be like "Oh, yeah, totally." | |
| 1403 | + | % | |
| 1404 | + | @jonnysun: i cant believe you kiled Death himself adn turned him into a sofa... what have u done. this has serious reaper cushions | |
| 1405 | + | % | |
| 1406 | + | @johnfreiler: are recent college grads still getting "oh, the places you'll go" as gifts or are we just giving them "the road" yet | |
| 1407 | + | % | |
| 1408 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: i know what youre thinking & no, this isnt real barbed wire around my arm, its a sick tatt thats designed to look like it. im tough as hell | |
| 1409 | + | % | |
| 1410 | + | @911VICTIM: my gf blew over when i went to pick her up. but because my car is really fast. not because shes cardboard | |
| 1411 | + | % | |
| 1412 | + | @drugmountain: 1920s: I hate flappers | |
| 1413 | + | 1960s: I hate hippies. | |
| 1414 | + | 1980s: I hate yuppies. | |
| 1415 | + | Today: I hate hipsters. | |
| 1416 | + | 2030s: I hate grimples | |
| 1417 | + | 2070s: I hate jonkflons | |
| 1418 | + | % | |
| 1419 | + | @lawblob: saw some guy checking me out so I was like “whats ur problem bro! u like dudes?” I punched him then we kissed | |
| 1420 | + | ||
| 1421 | + | also, someone broke ur mirror | |
| 1422 | + | % | |
| 1423 | + | @duckpuppet: You shot 4,548,645,546,872 pounds of buffalo, but you can only carry 50 back to the wagon Press Any Key To Continue | |
| 1424 | + | % | |
| 1425 | + | @iRowlf: "Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!" | |
| 1426 | + | ||
| 1427 | + | -Vin Diesel eating a purse | |
| 1428 | + | % | |
| 1429 | + | @MuscularSon: somebody has eaten my last hot dogh *makes a fucked up fweird face out my mansion window as lighting strikes* someone will die tonight | |
| 1430 | + | % | |
| 1431 | + | @yerfavoritejoel: million dollar idea: Give me a million dollars and I stop ripping up your lawn with my giant bird feet | |
| 1432 | + | % | |
| 1433 | + | @ideaot: how many rules does it take to screw in a fight bulb | |
| 1434 | + | % | |
| 1435 | + | @fart: so the IRS took a closer look at groups whose entire thing is “man we hate paying taxes” and this is bad or dumb somehow | |
| 1436 | + | % | |
| 1437 | + | @dril: YOUTUBE VID "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS. TIME TO ROLL OUT THE "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR | |
| 1438 | + | % | |
| 1439 | + | @SanditonCoffee: We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop. | |
| 1440 | + | % | |
| 1441 | + | @blaudiablogan: I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples. | |
| 1442 | + | % | |
| 1443 | + | @lawblob: my favorite yoga position is breathing heavily against the glass outside the yoga studio | |
| 1444 | + | % | |
| 1445 | + | @TheThomason: Bought the world a Coke. One can for 7 billion people. There's no sharing, only bloodshed. A warlord rules this smoking ruin. I'm sorry. | |
| 1446 | + | % | |
| 1447 | + | @ahuj9: Trying to learn a new language? Switch your phone to another language and soon you'll have no idea why the fuck you did that. Switch it back | |
| 1448 | + | % | |
| 1449 | + | @2tonbug: Every time I think I can pull off a fedora, the person moves their head | |
| 1450 | + | % | |
| 1451 | + | @spaceship_earth: if you arent constantly going viral im not sure where our business interest meet sir | |
| 1452 | + | % | |
| 1453 | + | @JevenSteakobson: *scans hieroglyphs* by god we found it.. the Lost Meme *ceiling starts to collapse* theres no time. the world will never know Upset Pharaoh | |
| 1454 | + | % | |
| 1455 | + | @crushingbort: AD 2013. Racism has been completely eliminated from the face of the earth. Except for the existence of black history month and no white hist | |
| 1456 | + | % | |
| 1457 | + | @brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?" | |
| 1458 | + | % | |
| 1459 | + | @TitaniumToplass: "OK, so it's agreed, we'll call this day Wendsday. Does anyone have anything else? Yes, Richard?" | |
| 1460 | + | ||
| 1461 | + | "Let's spell it fucked up" | |
| 1462 | + | % | |
| 1463 | + | @gawsh: authorities vow to find and destroy all rock tumblers. "we are doing everything we can to stop kids from kissing smooth, glistening stones" | |
| 1464 | + | % | |
| 1465 | + | @Ulillillysses: [loses an entire chicken nugget in the compueter keyboard] | |
| 1466 | + | % | |
| 1467 | + | @boring_as_heck: Mr. President? Sir? I think you might wanna take a look at this. It's a Biggest Fails Of The Year compilation. Oh man this part is so good. | |
| 1468 | + | % | |
| 1469 | + | @thrillbo: *paris, 1997* *drives around wreckage of black sedan* excuuuuuuse me, princess | |
| 1470 | + | % | |
| 1471 | + | @leyawn: shout out to all hte moms out there for warding off predators with bright coloration and giant eyespots on their wings | |
| 1472 | + | % | |
| 1473 | + | @meganamram: "I sold my iPad to buy u a loop of Oprah dancing" "I sold my tumblr to buy u a loop of a squirrel winking for ur iPad" (The Gif of the Magi) | |
| 1474 | + | % | |
| 1475 | + | @ariscott: Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted. | |
| 1476 | + | % | |
| 1477 | + | @leh0n: *rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!! | |
| 1478 | + | % | |
| 1479 | + | @woodmuffin: all right you bastard, we've got you hooked up to the polygraph and we want answers. first question: what number am i thinking of | |
| 1480 | + | % | |
| 1481 | + | @beefstalin: I wanna put a liner in my truck bed and make it a pool. But I want to be the guy driving and the babe chilling in the pool at the same time. | |
| 1482 | + | % | |
| 1483 | + | @huntermadeit: Liquids are great you can turn any floor into a dangerous one | |
| 1484 | + | % | |
| 1485 | + | @jake_dot: you can feed a child for just pennies a day but theyre gonna hate it pennies taste real bad, just awful | |
| 1486 | + | % | |
| 1487 | + | @Favvstar: robocop's full name is robert o. cop | |
| 1488 | + | % | |
| 1489 | + | @robwhisman: WAKA, IT'S MARVIN. YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN FLOCKA FLAME. | |
| 1490 | + | % | |
| 1491 | + | @robwhisman: this weather is so hot i wouldn't be surprised if it told me what a great friend i am | |
| 1492 | + | % | |
| 1493 | + | @robwhisman: i like my women like i like my coffee: all over my crotch mere seconds after being picked up at the arby's drive-thru | |
| 1494 | + | % | |
| 1495 | + | @robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would | |
| 1496 | + | % | |
| 1497 | + | @robwhisman: sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their abercrombie & fitch shirts who probly can't even name one abercrombie & fitch album | |
| 1498 | + | % | |
| 1499 | + | @robwhisman: don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy "the player" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "the game" | |
| 1500 | + | % | |
| 1501 | + | @crushingbort: "Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes* | |
| 1502 | + | % | |
| 1503 | + | @MaryKoCo: Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad | |
| 1504 | + | % | |
| 1505 | + | @MaryKoCo: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hi | |
| 1506 | + | % | |
| 1507 | + | @MaryKoCo: If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it | |
| 1508 | + | % | |
| 1509 | + | @MaryKoCo: Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL | |
| 1510 | + | % | |
| 1511 | + | @MaryKoCo: Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no | |
| 1512 | + | % | |
| 1513 | + | @weedhitler: "pizza is a vegetable" "orange soda is a fruit" "bedtimes are illegal" wait a sec. *opens doors to congress, it's full of 12 year-olds* | |
| 1514 | + | % | |
| 1515 | + | @maxlavergne: Groening quits Simpsons! “im tired of drawing the yelow people” he say “u have to draw them so many times to make it look like there moving” | |
| 1516 | + | % | |
| 1517 | + | @Linzbulb: Tap my vertebrae in the proper sequence so my rib cage opens like a locket. Climb inside and write your name on all my organs | |
| 1518 | + | % | |
| 1519 | + | @stuartcraig: Ok twitter, I'd say "compose" is a strong word for what were doing here | |
| 1520 | + | % | |
| 1521 | + | @MuscularSon: well im just mad as hell that dollar general does not have a sommelier on site but i guess this jug of carlo rossi will do for my hot dogs | |
| 1522 | + | % | |
| 1523 | + | @lawblob: the boss walked-in on me furiously trying to open a Capri Sun under my desk. | |
| 1524 | + | ||
| 1525 | + | mostly it was awkward b/c I was also watching porn at the time | |
| 1526 | + | % | |
| 1527 | + | @RowdyBowden: Please Choose Your Family Photo Backdrop: | |
| 1528 | + | - Leaning On Old Wagon Wheel | |
| 1529 | + | - Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland | |
| 1530 | + | - A Giant, Bloodshot Eye | |
| 1531 | + | - Seagull Party | |
| 1532 | + | % | |
| 1533 | + | @olhnso: Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell | |
| 1534 | + | % | |
| 1535 | + | @DoctorDogballs: local minor league baseball team has a $10 all you can drink beer night & I'm going to show them that marketing decisions have consequences | |
| 1536 | + | % | |
| 1537 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: Home Alone 6: Take A Hint, Kevin | |
| 1538 | + | % | |
| 1539 | + | @spaceship_earth: Your libertarian sex offending college weed dealer likes a page: Esurance | |
| 1540 | + | % | |
| 1541 | + | @mrsjohngoodman: somewhere right now a priest is listening to "Lose Yourself" to get pumped up before an exorcism | |
| 1542 | + | % | |
| 1543 | + | @dukelongboard: "She wants the 'dhi" - Gandhi | |
| 1544 | + | % | |
| 1545 | + | @roaringblood: "When I'm with you, it's like every day is March 11." - A 311 fan who's in a really good relationship with another 311 fan | |
| 1546 | + | % | |
| 1547 | + | @dukelongboard: RIP John Lennon, died doing what he loved; getting murdered | |
| 1548 | + | % | |
| 1549 | + | @DCpierson: God approaches your deathbed. "Hey, if you've enjoyed your life experience, I would love it if you could give me all fives on this survey." | |
| 1550 | + | % | |
| 1551 | + | @crushingbort: at some point there's been a guy who proposed during Christmas in a Santa suit and he got turned down and there he was still in a Santa suit | |
| 1552 | + | % | |
| 1553 | + | @rad_milk: How Many Golden Corral Entrees Can You Fuck Before They Destroy Your All You Can Eat Contract | |
| 1554 | + | % | |
| 1555 | + | @galvinchow: PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6 | |
| 1556 | + | % | |
| 1557 | + | @hamsandcastle: Ru**ats in Paris | |
| 1558 | + | % | |
| 1559 | + | @lawblob: nice medal, grandpa *rolls eyes* | |
| 1560 | + | ||
| 1561 | + | wow u shot down 5 Nazi planes? *makes J/O motion* | |
| 1562 | + | ||
| 1563 | + | Um, I’ve killed like 5 million Nazis. It’s called XBOX | |
| 1564 | + | % | |
| 1565 | + | @killcops247: may i remind the defendant that he is under oath and therefore doesn't have to precede every sentence with "real talk" | |
| 1566 | + | % | |
| 1567 | + | @killcops247: i followed my dad on twitter and he added me to a list called "sons that i dont love" and im the only person on it | |
| 1568 | + | % | |
| 1569 | + | @jonnysun: first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club | |
| 1570 | + | % | |
| 1571 | + | @jonnysun: YO who died adn made u king?? oh rigt. ur dad, the king. i gues we do live in a monarchy here in 15th centurey englamd. im sorry for ur loss | |
| 1572 | + | % | |
| 1573 | + | @spaceship_earth: all the people in the club are getting meta about their shared tropes | |
| 1574 | + | % | |
| 1575 | + | @ceejoyner: Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that. | |
| 1576 | + | % | |
| 1577 | + | @leh0n: SHE was looking for love in all the wrong places. HE was mentally ill from doing too much irony online. The Notebook 2: Weird Notebook | |
| 1578 | + | % | |
| 1579 | + | @othersome: the number one most signed petition on the white house website is currently "have you ever had soup obama" followed by "admit it you did" | |
| 1580 | + | % | |
| 1581 | + | @AutisticPet: venue manager accidentally books 'countless crows', chaos ensues as they tear and rend the soft flesh of would-be concertgoers | |
| 1582 | + | % | |
| 1583 | + | @stuartcraig: Um I think you mean Fewer Misérables | |
| 1584 | + | % | |
| 1585 | + | @markleggett: Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é". | |
| 1586 | + | % | |
| 1587 | + | @dril: what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player & it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA | |
| 1588 | + | % | |
| 1589 | + | @woodmuffin: "Hell is other mall cops" - Jean-Paul Blartre | |
| 1590 | + | % | |
| 1591 | + | @PajamaBen_: In a mosh pit. Youre jumping. Except youre the only person. Everyone else is a puppy. Keep jumping. Youre happy. They love you. We love you. | |
| 1592 | + | % | |
| 1593 | + | @MrSpoonicorn: *a shark flies in through the window & smashes into the TV* | |
| 1594 | + | "SHARKOUR" | |
| 1595 | + | *everyone laughs & forgives the shark because of his rad joke* | |
| 1596 | + | % | |
| 1597 | + | @2tonbug: I always cry whenever I'm slicing onions, because that's what my brother was doing right before he exploded | |
| 1598 | + | % | |
| 1599 | + | @3Dnudeman: every once in a while i like to give a nice big Thumbs up to the sun, its doing a good job and i want it to know that i appreciate it | |
| 1600 | + | % | |
| 1601 | + | @bransonbranson: with the number one overall pick in the 2013 nfl draft the chiefs take such a good boy, such a strong, good boy, what a good boy he is | |
| 1602 | + | % | |
| 1603 | + | @UtilityLimb: my pitch for a "gritty reboot of myself" isn't going so well; all the pre-schools say i can't enroll at 28 | |
| 1604 | + | % | |
| 1605 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: 1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs | |
| 1606 | + | % | |
| 1607 | + | @EireannDolan: As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair" | |
| 1608 | + | % | |
| 1609 | + | @rad_milk: dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain | |
| 1610 | + | % | |
| 1611 | + | @Lindzeta: when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school" | |
| 1612 | + | % | |
| 1613 | + | @bransonbranson: would you still love your cat sooooo much if he said the n word | |
| 1614 | + | % | |
| 1615 | + | @nice_mustard: yeah i work in porn. you know the pizza delivery guy who shows up & has sex? *drops shades* i'm the guy who eats the pizza | |
| 1616 | + | % | |
| 1617 | + | @tpoact: my boss just touch my tittie & smiled. im self employed hehe | |
| 1618 | + | % | |
| 1619 | + | @CoolBabyRat: magneto forcing wolverine into jacking off at a funeral | |
| 1620 | + | % | |
| 1621 | + | @LennoxTruman: The hostess at church says there's a 45-min wait to be seated and that it makes her uncomfortable when I refer to the Olive Garden as church | |
| 1622 | + | % | |
| 1623 | + | @urfavoritejoel: Ladies, just call me an obscure holiday, cause you prolly won't get off on me | |
| 1624 | + | % | |
| 1625 | + | @SatansTongue: HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU | |
| 1626 | + | ||
| 1627 | + | BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU | |
| 1628 | + | ||
| 1629 | + | 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU | |
| 1630 | + | ||
| 1631 | + | DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU | |
| 1632 | + | ||
| 1633 | + | ＷＨＹ ＤＩＤＮ'Ｔ ＹＯＵ ＨＥＬＰ | |
| 1634 | + | % | |
| 1635 | + | @boring_as_heck: under where do you see yourself in 5 years you wrote "jacking off in a hot air balloon" and then "it doesnt even matter if its in the air" | |
| 1636 | + | % | |
| 1637 | + | @Tom_Vom: It's been a week since I started this Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. I'm tired, I haven't showered, I just want to see my family. | |
| 1638 | + | % | |
| 1639 | + | @ahuj9: i never learned to dance. my family shunned any movement of the arms and legs that wasn't utilitarian | |
| 1640 | + | % | |
| 1641 | + | @ahuj9: What if God was one of us? Posting on Reddit and tagging us in unfunny eCard pics on facebook. | |
| 1642 | + | % | |
| 1643 | + | @dogboner: congrats to the millionaire singers and performers who won tonight Im out of toilet paper so I'm washing the poop off my butt in the shower | |
| 1644 | + | % | |
| 1645 | + | @boring_as_heck: Cant believe how hard core Nirvana was... tricking a baby with money, and then the baby drowned, and u can see its wiener.. Damn | |
| 1646 | + | % | |
| 1647 | + | @chiIIdog: *falls in to a Hole Hidden Under Some Leafs trap* | |
| 1648 | + | % | |
| 1649 | + | @robwhisman: hey my name is rob but can you write rahb on my cup i haven't landed anything good on instagram in a while | |
| 1650 | + | % | |
| 1651 | + | @nice_mustard: before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule | |
| 1652 | + | % | |
| 1653 | + | @doctorveritas: Curious George Plunges The Needle Down And Feels Like He Can See Into Heaven | |
| 1654 | + | % | |
| 1655 | + | @HunkyJimpjorps: Aren't you supposed to bury Thatcher under a crossroads or something? Otherwise she's gonna roam the countryside privatizing things | |
| 1656 | + | % | |
| 1657 | + | @mzeld: Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital? | |
| 1658 | + | % | |
| 1659 | + | @robwhisman: football am i right. love that sport. linebacker. ok now that chicks have stopped reading fellas i cut my sack shaving how do stop bleeding | |
| 1660 | + | % | |
| 1661 | + | @HAlanScott: I love sex. At least I'm pretty sure I will. | |
| 1662 | + | % | |
| 1663 | + | @MuscularSon: a chart of how white people who liked the chappelle show would turn it off when the musical guests came on | |
| 1664 | + | % | |
| 1665 | + | @robwhisman: every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can't help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt | |
| 1666 | + | % | |
| 1667 | + | @ughrevolution: if you leave youtube comments they should print a little booklet of all of those you've made when you die and hand it out at your funeral | |
| 1668 | + | % | |
| 1669 | + | @doctorveritas: "Goodbye, everybody," I say as I crawl under the bed. The monster I feared in childhood is waiting for me. I take its hand. | |
| 1670 | + | % | |
| 1671 | + | @boring_as_heck: chopped judge: this food is good as hell | |
| 1672 | + | [contestant smiles] | |
| 1673 | + | here's where you fucked up though, big time | |
| 1674 | + | [contestant looks insanely uneasy] | |
| 1675 | + | % | |
| 1676 | + | @diarrhea: to make your own sexting pseudonym, you combine the name your childhood best friend and the thing you're most afraid of. mine is Mom Girls. | |
| 1677 | + | % | |
| 1678 | + | @SaddestTiger: excuse me sir, just letting you know that you forgot to take the tag and sticker off your hat. whoa, alright. no need for profanity. | |
| 1679 | + | % | |
| 1680 | + | @bn2b: I hope noone in Africa busy repaying their Kiva loans ever sees Kickstarter. "Money for an album about Dr. Mario? They pay it back right?" | |
| 1681 | + | % | |
| 1682 | + | @leh0n: I'm a gamer foodie. Lol at cheetos and mt dew. Toasted eggplant avocado wraps much? Eat a braised quail slider every time i get a headshot | |
| 1683 | + | % | |
| 1684 | + | @boring_as_heck: seems as though George Orwell was wrong about 1984. none of that stuff happened that year. way to go George. your book is worthless. | |
| 1685 | + | % | |
| 1686 | + | @davedittell: look at the sign, buddy, "all you can eat shrimp." sign don't say "all you WANT to eat." *cocks gun* now keep eatin. | |
| 1687 | + | % | |
| 1688 | + | @BronzeHammer: obamacare is a fuckin trainwreck. kids with cancer don't even want insurance now. "the website is bad," they said, dying. "its too slow" | |
| 1689 | + | % | |
| 1690 | + | @boring_as_heck: hello 911. somebody crapped through the glory hole in my stall. no emergency, I just wanted to tell somebody and forgot my phone password. | |
| 1691 | + | % | |
| 1692 | + | @leh0n: I did not ask to be born with aspergers. It was thrust upon me, just like Sonic's quest to save the master emerald from Doctor Robotnik | |
| 1693 | + | % | |
| 1694 | + | @dangerousneil: ok buy 4loko, energy drink, big water bottle. mix the 4loko and energy drink. drink that shit. why do u have a water bottle throw it away | |
| 1695 | + | % | |
| 1696 | + | @neonwario: I'm gonna kick the ass... the ass that you have... lemme start over... I'm gonna kick your ass tonight (why did i say tonight what the fuck) | |
| 1697 | + | % | |
| 1698 | + | @BAKKOOONN: if you put that clear disc that comes at the top of a spool of blank dvds into a dvd player theres videos of no skin people making out | |
| 1699 | + | % | |
| 1700 | + | @Mickey_McCauley: I Defend Pooping In The Tank Of This Orphanage's Only Toilet, Using Ayn Rand's Objectivism | |
| 1701 | + | % | |
| 1702 | + | @leyawn: Hurrr i dont give nicknames to my pokemon. my wifi network is called linksys and my dog is called Dog | |
| 1703 | + | % | |
| 1704 | + | @dril: as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard | |
| 1705 | + | % | |
| 1706 | + | @McNevich: 1-buy waterbed | |
| 1707 | + | ||
| 1708 | + | 2-fill with wine | |
| 1709 | + | ||
| 1710 | + | 3-get Capri Sun straw | |
| 1711 | + | ||
| 1712 | + | 4-never leave your bed again | |
| 1713 | + | % | |
| 1714 | + | @ConorTripler: manager at subway won't tell me which sandwich artist is the most post-modern | |
| 1715 | + | % | |
| 1716 | + | @dogboner: He works at a startup. She opened her own gluten free dog treat shop in park slope. Their six hour long proposal video will melt your heart | |
| 1717 | + | % | |
| 1718 | + | @pisscop: why does barack obama remind us hes got children all the time yes obama we get it uve had sex i almost did once too, whatever man | |
| 1719 | + | % | |
| 1720 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: hm another practical, thoughtful multipage essay from an Affluent White Man about Traveling Light with thousands of dollars of apple gadgets | |
| 1721 | + | % | |
| 1722 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: I Went To College And All I Got Was This Lousy Tendency To Complain That I Never Get The Things I'm Owed | |
| 1723 | + | % | |
| 1724 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: *DESCENDS FROM NIGHT SKY, HOVERS SILENTLY AT DRIVETHRU* REALLY. YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO DENY ME SERVICE BECAUSE I AM NOT IN A CAR. *GLOWS* | |
| 1725 | + | % | |
| 1726 | + | @butt_ham: 87 dead, 142 injured and counting as the Coors Light train rips through the city again. Police urging white males to stop cracking open beer | |
| 1727 | + | % | |
| 1728 | + | @dangerousneil: oh whats this. *pulls dog food can out of coworker's bag that i planted earlier* Stacy eats dog food. Look at this everybody. my goodness | |
| 1729 | + | % | |
| 1730 | + | @drugleaf: i just lit a cigarette using a toaster like some kinda Depressed MacGyver | |
| 1731 | + | % | |
| 1732 | + | @AceMakesWords: (girl receives a scrawled message by carrier pigeon) | |
| 1733 | + | "I mis u, luve. carryr pigen desrvs lotsa bred" | |
| 1734 | + | (pigeon discreetly brushes a pen aside) | |
| 1735 | + | % | |
| 1736 | + | @bug_deal: I buy soap that says For Men on it because i'm one of those and i want to be sure the soap will work on me | |
| 1737 | + | % | |
| 1738 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: in my free time i like to sit in a fucking enormous chair and be really god damn right about the tech news | |
| 1739 | + | % | |
| 1740 | + | @Ennui_Raver: Hm whats that? You think capitalism is bad? Well i just found our i can buy a shrimp ring from the drug store now. So actually its good | |
| 1741 | + | % | |
| 1742 | + | @dril: just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit & blood will drip upon the funny impact font | |
| 1743 | + | % | |
| 1744 | + | @vrunt: speed dating sucks. it takes way more than 7 minutes just to explain what an arduino is | |
| 1745 | + | % | |
| 1746 | + | @robwhisman: check it out. put up a shelf for empty liquor bottles so people can see what we've drank. yeah. right below the boondock saints poster | |
| 1747 | + | % | |
| 1748 | + | @electrolemon: Gary Busey's Open Letter To Miley Cyrus Scrawled On The Back Of A Wet Chili's Napkin Is The Most Heart-Warming Thing You'll Read All Day | |
| 1749 | + | % | |
| 1750 | + | @boring_as_heck: This bar has a clever chalk sign outside. Let's go in and have a drink. The sign makes me want to drink here. | |
| 1751 | + | % | |
| 1752 | + | @neonwario: I tell ya, Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering! It's a Wife Sentence! I can't believe she's gone | |
| 1753 | + | % | |
| 1754 | + | @SamuelRahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket. | |
| 1755 | + | % | |
| 1756 | + | @thatsnotkosher: Let's hear what both cheeks of my ass have to say about this issue. Welcome to CNN | |
| 1757 | + | % | |
| 1758 | + | @LatherRinseRT: “How did you and mom meet?” | |
| 1759 | + | “Well I added your mom on Facebook, poked her, liked every pic, and commented ‘dang’ on the cleavage ones” | |
| 1760 | + | % | |
| 1761 | + | @LatherRinseRT: Hey guys. It’s me, Malcolm, from Malcolm in the Middle. But there’s nothing “in the middle” about my stance on abortion. | |
| 1762 | + | % | |
| 1763 | + | @spaceship_earth: so disturbed by my iDevices' post-upgrade lagging, can't even remember the last time i thought about millennials casual hookup culture | |
| 1764 | + | % | |
| 1765 | + | @ahuj9: November 1st - October 30th: Don't approach houses covered with bones. | |
| 1766 | + | ||
| 1767 | + | October 31st: Go for it. | |
| 1768 | + | % | |
| 1769 | + | @KomodogD: Anchorman (2004) - Will Ferrell and a star-studded cast do all the quotes from Anchorman (2004) in order (94 mins) | |
| 1770 | + | % | |
| 1771 | + | @vvvolte: does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen | |
| 1772 | + | % | |
| 1773 | + | @meganamram: Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body | |
| 1774 | + | % | |
| 1775 | + | @Lowenaffchen: what do you mean its not on there. you said you were a professional DJ. ok try searching with the ! at the end instead of after Godspeed You | |
| 1776 | + | % | |
| 1777 | + | @danieleastman: I saw the best joke formats of my generation destroyed | |
| 1778 | + | % | |
| 1779 | + | @wettbutt: "can you use it in a sentence" | |
| 1780 | + | - He was a very Erudite drummer | |
| 1781 | + | "can you use it in another sentence" | |
| 1782 | + | - His drum skills were very Erudite | |
| 1783 | + | % | |
| 1784 | + | @mattytalks: The name is Juan, Juan Headlight | |
| 1785 | + | % | |
| 1786 | + | @wettbutt: hahaha im gonna get a doctorate in Anthropology and pronounce it human beans the entire time. they cant stop me its not illegal | |
| 1787 | + | % | |
| 1788 | + | @neonwario: straight fucking LAUGHING at the idiots who don't say how long their commute to work is with a ± margin of error | |
| 1789 | + | % | |
| 1790 | + | @000___000: the proper nomenclature for a group of orangutans is a confederacy of dunstons | |
| 1791 | + | % | |
| 1792 | + | @BAKKOOONN: big time thanksgiving tip; you put the turkey in a childs car seat and drive around with the window down. let the sun do your work, idiot | |
| 1793 | + | % | |
| 1794 | + | @relatabledad: dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom | |
| 1795 | + | % | |
| 1796 | + | @shruglord: i'm not high maytance. maintice? maytennis? fuck i am high though | |
| 1797 | + | % | |
| 1798 | + | @TheNardvark: RT @AaronSorkin After much trepidation, I’ve decided to join Twitter. What piques my curiosity is the economy of language required to (1/57) | |
| 1799 | + | % | |
| 1800 | + | @briangaar: Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid | |
| 1801 | + | % | |
| 1802 | + | @ahuj9: Hot Camgirls that Accept Bitcoin!! These Randian honeys are Objectively smokin!! Give your invisible hand of the market a workout ;) | |
| 1803 | + | % | |
| 1804 | + | @wettbutt: newsflash twidiots: i actually like checking if my fridge is running. Every time you prank me with that youre making sure my food is good | |
| 1805 | + | % | |
| 1806 | + | @wettbutt: characterized by a devil-may-care usage of hyphens | |
| 1807 | + | % | |
| 1808 | + | @extranapkins: Unlike most people who don't own televisions, I don't own one on purpose. Yes, it was no accident that I don't own a television; | |
| 1809 | + | % | |
| 1810 | + | @vvvolte: Sometimes I really hate dealing with other people, but other times, I'm asleep so I'm not really thinking about it that much. | |
| 1811 | + | % | |
| 1812 | + | @Tommytoughstuff: *Ronald wipes the tears and makeup from his eyes as he digs yet another grave.* The secret sauce will be a secret at least one more day. | |
| 1813 | + | % | |
| 1814 | + | @logibear2: I don't know much about rap but I have weed and 9 credits in English Lit so yeah I'll listen to Drake's new album and share my thoughts | |
| 1815 | + | % | |
| 1816 | + | @robwhisman: what idiot called it shady records instead of marshall artists | |
| 1817 | + | % | |
| 1818 | + | @dril: bury my heart at wounded knee's Hard Rock Cafe franchise | |
| 1819 | + | % | |
| 1820 | + | @bransonbranson: SodaDawg wants to chat. SodaDawg is a criminal. You want to chat with SodaDawg. | |
| 1821 | + | % | |
| 1822 | + | @SexCarl: did you know that there are grown ass men going around saying their name is "Dick" lmao | |
| 1823 | + | % | |
| 1824 | + | @crushingbort: "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle," said Jesus, reaching for the nachos, "than for Eli to pass to his own team" | |
| 1825 | + | % | |
| 1826 | + | @michael_raphone: "To be perfectly Frank" - Frank, talking about his life goals. | |
| 1827 | + | % | |
| 1828 | + | @michael_raphone: "You have to look at the big picture" - Aggressive museum guard | |
| 1829 | + | % | |
| 1830 | + | @BAKKOOONN: i am surprised the tv show ended up being stupid and bad again, as are the rest of the men in my eunuch collective | |
| 1831 | + | % | |
| 1832 | + | @wettbutt: ive made a remix that puts anna karenina together with war and peace. its called War and Peace & Family. i also screwed it so its 8000 pages | |
| 1833 | + | % | |
| 1834 | + | @BuckyIsotope: Wile E Coyote steps out onto the road and sees a pile of blood and blue feathers. A truck did what he never could. He sighs and sits down. | |
| 1835 | + | % | |
| 1836 | + | @famouscrab: son on a scale of 1 - 100 how interesetd are you to watching me rollerblade of the roof 1 being very interested and 100 being very intersted | |
| 1837 | + | % | |
| 1838 | + | @famouscrab: if you dont stand for something you will fall for anything - i yell at the kfc sign | |
| 1839 | + | % | |
| 1840 | + | @ceejoyner: We've replaced Brenda's pommel horse with a real horse, let's see if she notices... this is magnificent. | |
| 1841 | + | % | |
| 1842 | + | @BAKKOOONN: how many baked potatoes will i eat today? | |
| 1843 | + | ||
| 1844 | + | how many stars are in the sky, wolf child | |
| 1845 | + | % | |
| 1846 | + | @humanbeings: hey, hogwarts, you know who else sorted people after they got off a train? | |
| 1847 | + | % | |
| 1848 | + | @robwhisman: i'm fat but at least i'm not "my facebook profile picture is a pokemon" fat | |
| 1849 | + | % | |
| 1850 | + | @wolfpupy: sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now | |
| 1851 | + | % | |
| 1852 | + | @apostrophebeats: Bunsen Honeydew shuts the lights on his lab. It's been lonely without Beaker. Sometimes he can still hear his dying words: "Meep, meep meep" | |
| 1853 | + | % | |
| 1854 | + | @wettbutt: if al songs were like Under the bridge by the chili dudes, ringo would just go, Yeellow law daw daw sub marine, Sub yeah marina hey yeah eah | |
| 1855 | + | % | |
| 1856 | + | @extranapkins: Pronouncing it "foist woyld" because of your ridiculous over-the-top Three Stooges-esque Brooklyn accent #FirstWorldProblems | |
| 1857 | + | % | |
| 1858 | + | @50cent: I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit | |
| 1859 | + | % | |
| 1860 | + | @buttplanet: Wilbur awoke to find a new message woven into Charlotte's Web. "I defend laissez-faire capitalism using Ayn Rand's Objectivism." | |
| 1861 | + | % | |
| 1862 | + | @spaceship_earth: *uses a moebius strip to symbolizew my brands commitment to core values and fresh approaches | |
| 1863 | + | % | |
| 1864 | + | @stuartcraig: But the gluten ate my homework! | |
| 1865 | + | % | |
| 1866 | + | @collatingbones: Dude i could never be muslim. i love my corvette too much. what..? oh word? thought they had a thing about cars. i guess i could do it then | |
| 1867 | + | % | |
| 1868 | + | @wettbutt: u know what they say. One man's trash, is always that guy's. it can only belong to one man. thats the law of garbage | |
| 1869 | + | % | |
| 1870 | + | @neonwario: So I said, "Yeah you can use Papyrus... If you don't give a shit about kerning!" and we've been together ever since | |
| 1871 | + | % | |
| 1872 | + | @brendohare: The over-sexualization of M&Ms in the media is bad for M&M Minis | |
| 1873 | + | % | |
| 1874 | + | @anna_train: Iran calling the White House over & over but they can't get through because Biden has installed dial up and will not stop playing Runescape. | |
| 1875 | + | % | |
| 1876 | + | @moshekasher: Guys, I think it might have been Walt who was "breaking bad" this whole time. | |
| 1877 | + | % | |
| 1878 | + | @NightValeRadio: Let me be clear. Let me be literally clear. Let me be entirely unseeable. | |
| 1879 | + | % | |
| 1880 | + | @dril: the absolute best place to hide your nudes is in a file folder on your desktop labelled "Clothes" | |
| 1881 | + | % | |
| 1882 | + | @wettbutt: have fun finding another roommate who knows all the chords to the Friends theme | |
| 1883 | + | % | |
| 1884 | + | @BevisSimpson: i hate when my parents call GTA "that game where you kill prostitutes". you can actually kill a fairly sick variety of people in the game | |
| 1885 | + | % | |
| 1886 | + | @AceMakesWords: Dang girl are you a meme because you haven't matured at all over the years but you're really popular on Facebook | |
| 1887 | + | % | |
| 1888 | + | @rad_milk: i have a really good memory despite all those Not Remembering drugs i always forget to try to take | |
| 1889 | + | % | |
| 1890 | + | @extranapkins: Ever since I got this high paid IT job + my beautiful model wife+ hdtvs streaming ASMR vids 24/7 I've noticed that capitalism is really good | |
| 1891 | + | % | |
| 1892 | + | @MindyFurano: my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did) | |
| 1893 | + | % | |
| 1894 | + | @collatingbones: [in the club yelling to a babe over thumping house music] THERE'S A BIG COFFEE STAIN ON MY SHIRT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THIS DIM LIGHTING | |
| 1895 | + | % | |
| 1896 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: if you watch Titanic backwards it's about an ice man who leaves his ocean home to repair a ship & fuck a girl | |
| 1897 | + | % | |
| 1898 | + | @nice_mustard: the cutie is coming from INSIDE the deathcab | |
| 1899 | + | % | |
| 1900 | + | @tnylgn: When someone asks if you want to play a board game they're really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes. | |
| 1901 | + | % | |
| 1902 | + | @bedbugs99: Both My Dads were Millennials: How the Roflcopter Seriously, Literally Crashed into My Adolescence | |
| 1903 | + | ||
| 1904 | + | by: Smooches Presley-Taylor | |
| 1905 | + | % | |
| 1906 | + | @wettbutt: suspect is armed, dangerous, and will not listen to reason, unless that reason is Hoobastank's "the reason" | |
| 1907 | + | % | |
| 1908 | + | @JulianGoldstein: BARK | |
| 1909 | + | ||
| 1910 | + | what Lassie? | |
| 1911 | + | ||
| 1912 | + | BARK BARK | |
| 1913 | + | ||
| 1914 | + | i'm a what? a statusquo Orwellian proletariat conformist? | |
| 1915 | + | ||
| 1916 | + | BARK BARK BARK | |
| 1917 | + | ||
| 1918 | + | no I won't take you to whole foods | |
| 1919 | + | % | |
| 1920 | + | @neonwario: Yeah, I like to think I'm pretty well informed. For example, my news bookmark, which I never click on, is Al Jazeera, not CNN. | |
| 1921 | + | % | |
| 1922 | + | @weedguy420boner: There's a 4 hour wait for a table? Maybe my friend Grover Cleveland can change your mind *slides u a 3'x4' presidential portrait* | |
| 1923 | + | % | |
| 1924 | + | @UtilityLimb: there's more than one way to skin a cat ;) whole lot more ways ;) some you learn by accident while petting someone's cat ;) i'm really sorry | |
| 1925 | + | % | |
| 1926 | + | @UtilityLimb: goofus achieves wonders like instantaneous global communication and interplanetary travel but remains governed by his own decay. gallant too | |
| 1927 | + | % | |
| 1928 | + | @UtilityLimb: cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong | |
| 1929 | + | % | |
| 1930 | + | @pharmasean: You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine | |
| 1931 | + | % | |
| 1932 | + | @fart: the first prototype for gogurt had to have been a bunch of yogurt in a tied-off condom | |
| 1933 | + | % | |
| 1934 | + | @degg: attention everybody!! | |
| 1935 | + | the guy who scored a touchdown is on my fantasy team. | |
| 1936 | + | this is good for my fantasy team. started him in my work league | |
| 1937 | + | % | |
| 1938 | + | @SamuelMoen: Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth | |
| 1939 | + | % | |
| 1940 | + | @dril: muscle economy, muscles as currency, end the dollar, get ripped, get rich pumping weights, weatlh = body size, predicted by Blaise Pascal | |
| 1941 | + | % | |
| 1942 | + | @wettbutt: Twitter ladies, please stop sending me marvin gaye's sexual healing. its already always on inside my ford pinto | |
| 1943 | + | % | |
| 1944 | + | @crushingbort: this guy on ESPN is holding up a sign with a football and shouting "one" and holding up his finger. I don't get it, what is he trying to say | |
| 1945 | + | % | |
| 1946 | + | @crushingbort: "Next stop," shouts the conductor, "420th St!" The train erupts in cheers of "heck yes" and "I get this" as we zoom off to our watery graves | |
| 1947 | + | % | |
| 1948 | + | @electrolemon: [begins descending a giant beanstalk hurriedly] THEY DEFINITELY ARE GIANTS | |
| 1949 | + | % | |
| 1950 | + | @wettbutt: Steve albini here. Notice album title, yea, songs about fucking, ive had that shit and it was good for sure. i know my way around the sheets | |
| 1951 | + | % | |
| 1952 | + | @justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible. | |
| 1953 | + | % | |
| 1954 | + | @collatingbones: let me smoke you out. let me get you really high and make you watch different colored beverages slide off my stain resistant dockers | |
| 1955 | + | % | |
| 1956 | + | @rad_milk: [ok theyre almost done makin my 6 foot party sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub] "im gonna fuck the sub" | |
| 1957 | + | % | |
| 1958 | + | @Mobute: Yeah, I'm lying on the couch eating roasted green beans from a cold baking pan on my chest. I am the living embodiment of your desire. | |
| 1959 | + | % | |
| 1960 | + | @DVSblast: Dog Whisperer is fucking ripoff. ANYONE can whisper "doooooogs", or ANY word they know. | |
| 1961 | + | % | |
| 1962 | + | @BronzeHammer: my personal e-mail? uh well. ok. it's bonerhound@gmail. thats "b" as in "big boner", "o" as in "oh shit what a boner", "n" as in nice boner, | |
| 1963 | + | % | |
| 1964 | + | @BAKKOOONN: the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet. | |
| 1965 | + | % | |
| 1966 | + | @TheNardvark: Carries guitar case into party *GROANS* | |
| 1967 | + | ||
| 1968 | + | Opens case—it’s full of Tostitos *CHEERS* | |
| 1969 | + | ||
| 1970 | + | They eat the chips and uncover a ukulele case *SCREAMS* | |
| 1971 | + | % | |
| 1972 | + | @911VICTIM: (in batman voice) Wares my ipod | |
| 1973 | + | % | |
| 1974 | + | @partiepig: "choose your weapon" | |
| 1975 | + | "i choose pikachu" | |
| 1976 | + | "literally you can choose a gun" | |
| 1977 | + | "pikachu use growl" | |
| 1978 | + | % | |
| 1979 | + | @dril: The Bible Is Fake. oh. what's that? you're holding a physical copy of the bible, you say? hm, looks legit. The Bible Is Real, Then | |
| 1980 | + | % | |
| 1981 | + | @drewtoothpaste: Was just using my laptop as a flashlight to tell which Jelly Belly I got and remembered a billion people don't have access to clean water | |
| 1982 | + | % | |
| 1983 | + | @thatsnotkosher: "But Yogi, that's NSA director Keith Alexander's pic-a-nic basket, you can't steal that!" "I'm uh morally justified in doin' so, boo-boo" | |
| 1984 | + | % | |
| 1985 | + | @rachelmillman: Your Honor, I would appreciate if the defense would hop off my dick here | |
| 1986 | + | % | |
| 1987 | + | @Ennui_Raver: Hi Yes I was wondering which of these IPAs you sell would pair best with eating an entire Dominos pizza shirtless in a public park by myself | |
| 1988 | + | % | |
| 1989 | + | @sad_turd: MULDER: scully im beleive in alein | |
| 1990 | + | SCULLY: no | |
| 1991 | + | MULDER: alein exst | |
| 1992 | + | SCULLY: no | |
| 1993 | + | % | |
| 1994 | + | @rrrunk: Can I still call it a TED "Talk" if all I did was silently perform one hundred pelvic thrusts, each more powerful that the one before? | |
| 1995 | + | % | |
| 1996 | + | @bransonbranson: Chris Angel has turned into a duck and he won't stop swimming around in my pool. I know it is you Chris. Here is some bread. | |
| 1997 | + | % | |
| 1998 | + | @lanyardigan: Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you. | |
| 1999 | + | % | |
| 2000 | + | @meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles | |
| 2001 | + | % | |
| 2002 | + | @tnylgn: My dentist's dick is now the mayor of my shoulder on foursquare. | |
| 2003 | + | % | |
| 2004 | + | @doctorveritas: "It's-a me. Mario," he says to Peach. Her elderly eyes don't recognize him. Alzheimer's has done what Bowser couldn't. | |
| 2005 | + | % | |
| 2006 | + | @rigamarock: @ahuj9 here's my advice. be born rich. also, if you can manage it, white and male. it worked for me. | |
| 2007 | + | % | |
| 2008 | + | @electrolemon: BARELY LEGAL LESBIANS XXX (90min): watch as two thirty-year-old women exchange their wedding vows just inside the Vermont state border | |
| 2009 | + | % | |
| 2010 | + | @BAKKOOONN: bunch of red faced white dudes yelling in a room, on the whiteboard is "OB______" and underneath is UNGLER, ORTION, AMMUNIST, LACULA, ABY | |
| 2011 | + | % | |
| 2012 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: data...... i need more data. i`m hungry as hell for as much data as i can collect | |
| 2013 | + | % | |
| 2014 | + | @briangaar: If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox | |
| 2015 | + | % | |
| 2016 | + | @hamsandcastle: Never have I ever...Done 9/11 *ex presidents all glare at Bush as he drinks* | |
| 2017 | + | % | |
| 2018 | + | @cakemittens: If God isn't real why is "atheist" an anagram for "eat shit"? #checkmate | |
| 2019 | + | % | |
| 2020 | + | @wettbutt: constantly saying "let me give it the ol college try" while you are at college will get you laid so often you will develop pneumonia | |
| 2021 | + | % | |
| 2022 | + | @Z_A_Kline: @DuncanIdunno | |
| 2023 | + | WAKE UP! | |
| 2024 | + | (wake up) | |
| 2025 | + | sheeplesheeplesheeplesheeplesheeple | |
| 2026 | + | Bush flew the planes into the towers | |
| 2027 | + | (he wanted to) | |
| 2028 | + | % | |
| 2029 | + | @NightValeRadio: I can't believe it's not butter. It's not even close. That's actually a black widow spider. I can't believe you marketed that as butter. | |
| 2030 | + | % | |
| 2031 | + | @fart: here is a joke i thought of while asleep. it is bad. | |
| 2032 | + | q: where should u go if u aren't ready to be a mummy | |
| 2033 | + | ||
| 2034 | + | a: planned pyramid | |
| 2035 | + | % | |
| 2036 | + | @wettbutt: hi. welcome to Tim's Trousers, where it is always our "measure" to "pleat" you hahaha. i'm tim and i miss my wife | |
| 2037 | + | % | |
| 2038 | + | @briangaar: Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from "he's a dog" to a 70 | |
| 2039 | + | % | |
| 2040 | + | @wettbutt: sorry that i only married you because TV Land paid me to marry a woman and say we were going to TV Land for our honeymoon | |
| 2041 | + | % | |
| 2042 | + | @neonwario: "Hmm... SOunds like Dunning-Kruger, mixed with a touch of Sunk Cost Fallacy,", I post on the forums, from my high chair | |
| 2043 | + | % | |
| 2044 | + | @experienceBij: experience unprecedented and previously unimaginable levels of bij | |
| 2045 | + | % | |
| 2046 | + | @experienceBij: Bij returns four-fold, infinite, expansive, vast, boundless, cosmic, godlike, universal bij. | |
| 2047 | + | % | |
| 2048 | + | @leyawn: instead of watching the thanksgiving day parade me and my entire extended family are gathered around a rock chanting "we dont even own a tv" | |
| 2049 | + | % | |
| 2050 | + | @neonwario: I'm smart.... | |
| 2051 | + | ....But I also pronounce hors d'oeuvres as Horse Durves | |
| 2052 | + | % | |
| 2053 | + | @fart: dude have you been to hawaii? your multiple window decals make it look like you've been there. just checking because it looks like you've be | |
| 2054 | + | % | |
| 2055 | + | @_Hermit_Thrush_: You can tell it's me and the rowdy bows bowling because the frame says | |
| 2056 | + | ||
| 2057 | + | ASS | |
| 2058 | + | POO | |
| 2059 | + | BUT | |
| 2060 | + | DIK | |
| 2061 | + | % | |
| 2062 | + | @ahuj9: Oh, it’s a turkey, but its’s stuffed with money! Haha very clever!! (god I hate Thanksgiving at Banksy’s) | |
| 2063 | + | % | |
| 2064 | + | @bridger_w: I'm just going to say it: You embarrassed me at the scrapbook and stamping expo | |
| 2065 | + | % | |
| 2066 | + | @LisaGoodwin1: Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron | |
| 2067 | + | % | |
| 2068 | + | @bransonbranson: when my friends ask me (slightly annoying task), first i'm like (animated gif) then i'm like (different animated gif) | |
| 2069 | + | % | |
| 2070 | + | @sskylark: Separated from my young daughter in a large crowd, never saw her again. My least chillax Warped Tour experience | |
| 2071 | + | % | |
| 2072 | + | @HealthySphinx: hey babe. how about we head back to my place. i got a two dollar bill we can look at | |
| 2073 | + | % | |
| 2074 | + | @collatingbones: please slash my throat so my sons can watch their father die with honor. only joking. just a trim today | |
| 2075 | + | % | |
| 2076 | + | @filth_waste: lmao look at this idiot who turned around when i yelled "hey idiot". what's up idiot how's ur wedding ceremony going u look beautiful. | |
| 2077 | + | % | |
| 2078 | + | @ConorTripler: *sprints through the airport to catch girl just before she boards a plane to paris* | |
| 2079 | + | sarah! sarah, listen. im gay lol | |
| 2080 | + | % | |
| 2081 | + | @woodmuffin: No one texts like Gaston No one tweets like Gaston No one holds down control-alt-delete like Gaston | |
| 2082 | + | % | |
| 2083 | + | @sad_turd: whats good in the hood bro lol [hooded man beckons me closer, closer. "peer into the hood"] my god [poverty & social inequality in the hood] | |
| 2084 | + | % | |
| 2085 | + | @Perfect_Beanis: in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off | |
| 2086 | + | % | |
| 2087 | + | @dril: A GATHERING OF MISCHIEVOUS IMPS FIRE UP THE NINTENDO 64 AND RUN MARIO UP THE ENDLESS STAIRCASE FOR 1 HR | |
| 2088 | + | % | |
| 2089 | + | @KarenKilgariff: FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian | |
| 2090 | + | % | |
| 2091 | + | @rudetanks: Regret everything, dance like your ex is watching, love like you're forced to, eat like it tastes bad, pray like you know no ones listening | |
| 2092 | + | % | |
| 2093 | + | @KeetPotato: If you fuck up at work today, keep in mind in 1987, someone decided "Ken" was a good name for a Street Fighter character | |
| 2094 | + | % | |
| 2095 | + | @a_girl_irl: *shoots 400 grenades at a deer licking dew from the tall grasses* hunting is so pure and serene | |
| 2096 | + | % | |
| 2097 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: mushroom kingdom is ruled by a HUMAN princess. her hat that looks like a toadstool isnt fooling anyone.no wonder some mushrooms turned rebel | |
| 2098 | + | % | |
| 2099 | + | @leyawn: dude you gotta check out this food companys twitter account. Yea, the food talks like a real person. its not like other food | |
| 2100 | + | % | |
| 2101 | + | @briangaar: Girl are you that one light switch in the bathroom with tape on it because I'm frightened yet intrigued by you | |
| 2102 | + | % | |
| 2103 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: glad the athlete on my fave team said hed just take it one game at a time.was worried hed try to take it 3-4games at a time which is bad | |
| 2104 | + | % | |
| 2105 | + | @boring_as_heck: [19 pics that will restore yr faith in humanity] nice [17 pics that will destroy yr faith in humanity] nooo [clicks the first one again] yay | |
| 2106 | + | % | |
| 2107 | + | @Mobute: ｡★*ﾟﾟ*★∵★*ﾟﾟ*★｡ | |
| 2108 | + | ☆ﾟ ﾟ☆ﾟ ﾟ☆ | |
| 2109 | + | ★* ANHEDONIA *★ | |
| 2110 | + | *★｡ ｡★* | |
| 2111 | + | ∵☆｡ ｡☆∵ | |
| 2112 | + | ﾟ*★｡｡★* ﾟ | |
| 2113 | + | ﾟ*☆* ﾟ | |
| 2114 | + | % | |
| 2115 | + | @borbison: So sad. I just watched a 2 year old try to swipe a magazine like an iPad and then get run over by a bus. | |
| 2116 | + | % | |
| 2117 | + | @IamEnidColeslaw: all the animals in "Homeward Bound" are dead | |
| 2118 | + | % | |
| 2119 | + | @boring_as_heck: don't own the president... don't own the president... [goes to shake his hand but then whips my hand back and runs it through my hair] fuck | |
| 2120 | + | % | |
| 2121 | + | @leyawn: wanna put my tender heart in a blender, learned some big words so ill use em now oblivion, rendezvous, those are words i used | |
| 2122 | + | % | |
| 2123 | + | @briangaar: Got fired from the ice block factory just because I'm good at karate | |
| 2124 | + | % | |
| 2125 | + | @UNTRESOR: whenever i see someone leaving the liquor store in their pajamas, i always hand them a card with 'www.twitter.com' on it. | |
| 2126 | + | % | |
| 2127 | + | @collatingbones: 2003: check it out. my phone folds in half | |
| 2128 | + | 2008: my phone doesnt fold. this is whats good now. | |
| 2129 | + | 2018: watch this. my phone folds. i love it | |
| 2130 | + | % | |
| 2131 | + | @collatingbones: "Drone bad"... what's a drone... a robot. Bot is bad... Botta bad... A bot... Abbottabad! He's in Abbottabad! We move out at zero dark 30 | |
| 2132 | + | % | |
| 2133 | + | @BevisSimpson: Kiedis was inspired to write the lyrics for Under the Bridge when he was driving and noticed a bridge [1]. | |
| 2134 | + | % | |
| 2135 | + | @pattymo: "Uhh, Peter Griffin in a sombrero or whatever. Fuck you" - the pitch for Seth MacFarlane's 2014 breakout hit "Bordertown" | |
| 2136 | + | % | |
| 2137 | + | @myDUIproblem: ah. Sports Authority. my two least favorite things in one store | |
| 2138 | + | % | |
| 2139 | + | @rad_milk: "i fucked my bicycle and now i have the deadly AIDS virus" - people on obamacare | |
| 2140 | + | % | |
| 2141 | + | @CornOnTheGoblin: Welcome to Sarcastic Club | |
| 2142 | + | Im sooo happy to see you all | |
| 2143 | + | Anyone know the 1st rule? | |
| 2144 | + | "Be less sarcastic?" | |
| 2145 | + | Ooo lets have this guy teach the class | |
| 2146 | + | % | |
| 2147 | + | @laurenlaborde: Worst thing about planes: I couldn’t immediately text everyone to say a guy in front of me had “pussy on my mind” written in his notes app. | |
| 2148 | + | % | |
| 2149 | + | @dubstep4dads: hey pigpen how come you always smell bad? | |
| 2150 | + | "hmm i dont know charlie brown how come you're 8 years old and already fucking bald" | |
| 2151 | + | % | |
| 2152 | + | @nice_mustard: wile e. coyote raises his black & smoldering head. still alive. he throws the ACME shotgun across the room and begins to weep | |
| 2153 | + | % | |
| 2154 | + | @leyawn: Guy Fawkes?? uhhh yea ok nice not made up name mine is Dude Ivehadsex | |
| 2155 | + | % | |
| 2156 | + | @jonbruh: *snaps out of 11 year trance* more like bad charlotte | |
| 2157 | + | % | |
| 2158 | + | @boring_as_heck: I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex. | |
| 2159 | + | "That's not a category." | |
| 2160 | + | Yes, that's right. | |
| 2161 | + | "That's not a category." | |
| 2162 | + | I chose that, yes. | |
| 2163 | + | % | |
| 2164 | + | @chuchugoogoo: "What you in for?" "I kissed some cops in Knoxville" "You're the Tennessee Cop Kisser?!" "I ain't proud of what I done" *leans in for kiss* | |
| 2165 | + | % | |
| 2166 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: "how do u feel after hittin that game-winnin home-run?" IT'S A WELCOME DISTRACTION FROM THE CONTINUAL TERROR OF KNOWING DEATH IS INEVITABLE | |
| 2167 | + | % | |
| 2168 | + | @neonwario: The phrase "Cool as a cucumber" rose into prominence because cool is an ideal temperature for storing and serving cucumbers. (Greene, et al, | |
| 2169 | + | % | |
| 2170 | + | @rogerclark: UHm no. I could buy 300 McDoubles for the price of this thing. And in the time ive spent in this Jo-Ann Fabrics i couldve eaten 18 McDoubles | |
| 2171 | + | % | |
| 2172 | + | @rev_null: In ruby, you don't ask where the bathroom is, you just redefine it to be wherever you are and then shit all over everything. | |
| 2173 | + | % | |
| 2174 | + | @craigslistlove: By the time Im done jackhammering her butthole with my boner, Ill just leave and say Ill be right back,But instead Ill be enjoying an omelet | |
| 2175 | + | % | |
| 2176 | + | @robdelaney: "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen | |
| 2177 | + | % | |
| 2178 | + | @meganamram: I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)! | |
| 2179 | + | % | |
| 2180 | + | @OhLookBirdies: "BUT SHE'S A FAKE GAMER GIRL!" I scream as they drag me away in a straitjacket. Behind me, the lizard man in the gamer girl suit grins. | |
| 2181 | + | % | |
| 2182 | + | @Roger_Burton: 911 what is your emergency? "how the fuck is mr krabs pearls dad" I don't know sir that's pretty fucked up | |
| 2183 | + | % | |
| 2184 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: son, there are no monsters under ur bed. there is no monster except the monster within, the monster inside us all. have a good night ...son | |
| 2185 | + | % | |
| 2186 | + | @electrolemon: 1. Buy 80 Taken DVDs. 2. Stack them next to woman. 3. "Is this seat Taken?" 4. Call your bank. "Why would I buy 80 Taken DVDs," you'll say. | |
| 2187 | + | % | |
| 2188 | + | @rad_milk: Hi Welcome To The Jeans Store May I Help You [i pull off my mask and im jared, from subway] yes the biggest jeans available please | |
| 2189 | + | % | |
| 2190 | + | @wettbutt: HAAAEEvaaaaaan fluuoooowwooww..im the guy in pearl jam yeaah eaaah. Hoo hee doonoooohhhhhohhhh..im the guy pearl jam guy all Day ay yeah-ah | |
| 2191 | + | % | |
| 2192 | + | @KingRainhead: i came here to network with moguls | |
| 2193 | + | % | |
| 2194 | + | @dril: the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle | |
| 2195 | + | % | |
| 2196 | + | @wettbutt: wow..easily hacked this bus wi fi pass. its Wheelsonthebus123. as always. pathetic | |
| 2197 | + | % | |
| 2198 | + | @Jamie1947: "Another day, another dollar" | |
| 2199 | + | -Men | |
| 2200 | + | ||
| 2201 | + | "Another day, another 77 cents" | |
| 2202 | + | -Women | |
| 2203 | + | % | |
| 2204 | + | @maxlavergne: Mumford designed his sons to interlock into 1 larger, stronger mumford should he die before his work is complete | |
| 2205 | + | % | |
| 2206 | + | @newupdate: Let's pretend that booty is a small indigenous village and I'm 18th century western colonialism. | |
| 2207 | + | % | |
| 2208 | + | @collatingbones: It's gonna be some Starcraft 2, next level Metal Gear Solid shit, like for real (mr kerry your lapel mic is on) ...committed to human rights | |
| 2209 | + | % | |
| 2210 | + | @wettbutt: Daniel Eagle: For Hotel California we were staying in hotels a lot, cause of rock music touring. and we realized.. what if a hotel was Scary | |
| 2211 | + | % | |
| 2212 | + | @collatingbones: 4.21/5 | |
| 2213 | + | Classic American adjunct lager. Strong notes of doritos and champagne. | |
| 2214 | + | % | |
| 2215 | + | @ieatanddrink: Dating tip: | |
| 2216 | + | Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you | |
| 2217 | + | % | |
| 2218 | + | @aeon_daimyo: damn girl are you david bowie because i'm having a hard time figuring out if i'm physically attracted to you | |
| 2219 | + | % | |
| 2220 | + | @Ulillillysses: Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas) | |
| 2221 | + | % | |
| 2222 | + | @DinkMagic: Get married? Sure as soon as theres a woman thats a) a truck b) Bacon c) its a Ford D) theres tits on the side of the truck E) sports or w/e | |
| 2223 | + | % | |
| 2224 | + | @dril: looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo | |
| 2225 | + | % | |
| 2226 | + | @Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people? | |
| 2227 | + | God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* | |
| 2228 | + | Me: oh | |
| 2229 | + | God: *nods solemnly* | |
| 2230 | + | % | |
| 2231 | + | @Travis_Hood: you can't call them "sneakers" if they light up. your stealth capabilities are severely compromised. fucking idiot 8 year old | |
| 2232 | + | % | |
| 2233 | + | @lydiaclare: a gloryhole but for petting anonymous dog | |
| 2234 | + | % | |
| 2235 | + | @HelloCullen: On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there | |
| 2236 | + | % | |
| 2237 | + | @bobby: Next time you have a new person in your office, play nothing but Incubus & get everyone else to act like it's normal and they're into it. | |
| 2238 | + | % | |
| 2239 | + | @dril: @wikileaks "harpo" from harpo productIons is oprah spelled backwards. bam. welcome to the matrix | |
| 2240 | + | % | |
| 2241 | + | @boring_as_heck: world chess federation refuses to recognize my admittedly unorthodox "rub the king & queen together and pretend they're having sex" strategy | |
| 2242 | + | % | |
| 2243 | + | @jonnysun: *dinosaur at zoo roars at me* | |
| 2244 | + | "ROAR" | |
| 2245 | + | whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this | |
| 2246 | + | "GROWL" | |
| 2247 | + | hmm | |
| 2248 | + | "SHOUT" | |
| 2249 | + | hmmm | |
| 2250 | + | "YELL" | |
| 2251 | + | hmmmmm | |
| 2252 | + | "HOLLER" | |
| 2253 | + | oh its a thesaurus | |
| 2254 | + | % | |
| 2255 | + | @kcgreenn: Watch the throne *a duck lands on the throne* I told you to watch it!! Now a duck is our king!! | |
| 2256 | + | % | |
| 2257 | + | @dril: if that lawyer didnt want his wall punched, he shouldnt have told me my uncle left me a sony walkman filled with cut up bugs in his will | |
| 2258 | + | % | |
| 2259 | + | @weedguy420boner: why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway | |
| 2260 | + | % | |
| 2261 | + | @dril: setting up your own yahoo account is easy! you just click here, and he.. oh no. i just sent 60,000 pictures of my ass to my boss's daughter | |
| 2262 | + | % | |
| 2263 | + | @Secks_man: construction worker chased me down for singing ushers climax in my car. he said it was beautiful & i held him as he cried. i kissed him too | |
| 2264 | + | % | |
| 2265 | + | @dogboner: yea ok lemme just BING that, tv *does the jack off motion while pretending to go down stairs behind couch* *jacks off for real behind there* | |
| 2266 | + | % | |
| 2267 | + | @respected_loner: nice bass guitar, dork. it doesn't even look like a bass. it looks like a fuckin piano. oh it is a piano? way to prove my point | |
| 2268 | + | % | |
| 2269 | + | @dril: i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things | |
| 2270 | + | % | |
| 2271 | + | @logibear2: Just tackled my neighbour as he put out his garbage. Are you ready for some fucking football | |
| 2272 | + | % | |
| 2273 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: #PerksOfDatingMe im descending into inevitable entropic decay slightly slower than many others cuz i do squats at club firtness | |
| 2274 | + | % | |
| 2275 | + | @dril: i will never apologize for being wild about apps and upgrades | |
| 2276 | + | % | |
| 2277 | + | @famouscrab: hi briney spears can u pls signed this book for my daughter? her name is um.. david? can i also please have a hug i will pass it onto her :3 | |
| 2278 | + | % | |
| 2279 | + | @wettbutt: colleges are basically gardens for sculptures of lions and old guys and then they decided to add classes & talking as a formality | |
| 2280 | + | % | |
| 2281 | + | @collatingbones: If a girl breaks up with you and you respond by nonchalantly saying "well that's a spicy meatball" she will almost always reconsider | |
| 2282 | + | % | |
| 2283 | + | @neonwario: when I was a kid, I would write "DEBT" in the moisture of my dad's car window, to remind passersby of their huge debts. Like the commercials | |
| 2284 | + | % | |
| 2285 | + | @mccv: If you're waiting in a line for GTA5 how much have you really learned from GTA? | |
| 2286 | + | % | |
| 2287 | + | @dril: a cool prank is to convince someone to join the Armed Forces and watch them get spooked by guns & missiles in exchange for hollow gratitude | |
| 2288 | + | % | |
| 2289 | + | @rogerclark: old man next to me on the plane just caught me typing the words “old man next to me” into twitter | |
| 2290 | + | % | |
| 2291 | + | @lordbeef: "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - new york's most hated cab driver | |
| 2292 | + | % | |
| 2293 | + | @boring_as_heck: NBC's Sunday Night Football: Monday Night Football on Sunday Night Edition: Thursday Edition: On Sunday | |
| 2294 | + | % | |
| 2295 | + | @bug_deal: whoops, did I call it an iBad again? what a weird mistake to make seventeen times on the same Christmas | |
| 2296 | + | % | |
| 2297 | + | @neonwario: "... And that's one Imgur comment she'll never forget!" My toast at my daughter's wedding concludes. Everyone in attendance is visibly upset | |
| 2298 | + | % | |
| 2299 | + | @fart: yeah ok you lost your leg or whatever but now you'll get like 20% drunker | |
| 2300 | + | % | |
| 2301 | + | @DVSblast: the most coveted jewel of being WILD famous is you can name your album somethin real regular like "Nice Times" or "Water" | |
| 2302 | + | % | |
| 2303 | + | @neonwario: parents thought i was autistic because i forgot the word "them" when filling out a school workbook so i kept saying "all of the ones" | |
| 2304 | + | % | |
| 2305 | + | @johnfreiler: ok but what if the ghostbusters zapped the holy ghost, wouldn't god be mad? huh? no i don't have a confession it's a real question | |
| 2306 | + | % | |
| 2307 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: if only there was, like, a historical precedent for why bombing mideast country is bad. but the thign is.. everytim we did it. it was good | |
| 2308 | + | % | |
| 2309 | + | @nice_mustard: SUP HUMAN FEMALE. I AM A DESIRABLE MATE. CORRECT NUMBER OF DICKS, SMOOTH NON-SCALY BUTTOCKS, ZERO VISIBLE TENTACLES, REPEAT ZERO VISIBLE TEN | |
| 2310 | + | % | |
| 2311 | + | @bub__bub: I don't see race. I don't see gender. Hell I can barely see anything I'm wearing 6 pairs of shades and its night time | |
| 2312 | + | % | |
| 2313 | + | @dril: two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks | |
| 2314 | + | "I just attained oneness with all living beings" | |
| 2315 | + | "I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam" | |
| 2316 | + | % | |
| 2317 | + | @Eatingmeals: One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all "Holy shit these people have families" | |
| 2318 | + | % | |
| 2319 | + | @asimplesean: Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power. | |
| 2320 | + | % | |
| 2321 | + | @8bitf0x: haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive? | |
| 2322 | + | ||
| 2323 | + | "a chair haha duh, nice try mo— | |
| 2324 | + | ||
| 2325 | + | it's your dog. spot's dead billy | |
| 2326 | + | % | |
| 2327 | + | @nice_mustard: don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday | |
| 2328 | + | % | |
| 2329 | + | @skullmandible: is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat | |
| 2330 | + | % | |
| 2331 | + | @famouscrab: theres no crying in baseball but this bird sitting on the fence is so pretty i think we will make and exception | |
| 2332 | + | % | |
| 2333 | + | @DVSblast: Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper? | |
| 2334 | + | % | |
| 2335 | + | @dril: I'm Sgt. General James Bond. My mission is to collect guns and gather intel on the unimaginably fucked up drugs known as Cocaine & Marijuana | |
| 2336 | + | % | |
| 2337 | + | @neonwario: "hey buddy, we didn't pay to see 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Short'" <-- sick own i used in the theatre in 2011 | |
| 2338 | + | % | |
| 2339 | + | @animal_drums_: If you do a robbery and the money is fluttering in your wake as you speed off, slow down. You're not that rich, you just resorted to robbery | |
| 2340 | + | % | |
| 2341 | + | @neonwario: pilgrim lookin puritan ass plymouth rock motherfucker | |
| 2342 | + | % | |
| 2343 | + | @animal_drums_: First they came for the Jews and some guy was like "Oh so you only come for Jews? why not the Christians?" Then they came for the christians | |
| 2344 | + | % | |
| 2345 | + | @animal_drums_: Next on TLC, you'll never believe what happens when we get the world's most peaceful monk to take a huge bite of the world's hottest pepper. | |
| 2346 | + | % | |
| 2347 | + | @Ennui_Raver: the taller the beer, the harder they... uhh.. the beer is very tall | |
| 2348 | + | % | |
| 2349 | + | @murrman5: Résumé? It's just a list of bands you like. | |
| 2350 | + | "So no job?" | |
| 2351 | + | No...and by the way it's Phil, not Fill Collins | |
| 2352 | + | "Thanks. I will update my resume." | |
| 2353 | + | % | |
| 2354 | + | @wheatretard: My father Harold Netflix started this company because he had a dream that no unemployed man would have to wake before 3 to see latex aliens | |
| 2355 | + | % | |
| 2356 | + | @freecialis: I've stunned yet another 3rd grade class with my lecture "Coca-Cola Used to Have Cocaine In It." just a day in the life of The Cool Teacher | |
| 2357 | + | % | |
| 2358 | + | @danklein_is_fat: You know when you say something funny but your friend doesn't laugh? You might feel better if you shoot them with a gun and they die. | |
| 2359 | + | % | |
| 2360 | + | @mallelis: never forget roald dahl's idea of a happy ending was a kid turning into a mouse & being super stoked to realize he'll die with his grandma | |
| 2361 | + | % | |
| 2362 | + | @hermaph: *whisper to guy at urinal* That stream should be on justin.tv lol *whisper to guy at next urinal* Wow that stream should be on justin.tv | |
| 2363 | + | % | |
| 2364 | + | @BevisSimpson: Are those cum stains on my cargo shorts or just misleading shadows??? Good luck figuring it out as I speedwalk past you at incredible pace | |
| 2365 | + | % | |
| 2366 | + | @COMPUTER_KID: Some men just want to watch the world burn *opens a beer* | |
| 2367 | + | % | |
| 2368 | + | @animal_drums_: A late entry to the hot dog eating contest, It's Mike with a dump truck full of hot dog wrappers, and we have to assume he ate all the dogs. | |
| 2369 | + | % | |
| 2370 | + | @ElleOhHell: Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do? | |
| 2371 | + | % | |
| 2372 | + | @ahuj9: These are my three kids: my oldest son Bush, my daughter Did, and my youngest daughter Cassandra. She was from my wife’s last marriage. | |
| 2373 | + | % | |
| 2374 | + | @11protons: The sweats say I've given up. The Nike logo says "but not entirely." | |
| 2375 | + | % | |
| 2376 | + | @promissory_boat: i'd like to introduce my sons, kevin and second kevin | |
| 2377 | + | ||
| 2378 | + | *a child and an incredibly pissed off child step out from behind me* | |
| 2379 | + | % | |
| 2380 | + | @shatbit: "Is this the burn ward?" | |
| 2381 | + | "Yes can I help you?" | |
| 2382 | + | "You need to admit my mom, I told her that her casserole was ass-erole." | |
| 2383 | + | "Stop calling here." | |
| 2384 | + | % | |
| 2385 | + | @ProfBoomHatch: Pokémon Red (Gameboy Colour, 1998): | |
| 2386 | + | A fatherless ten year old leaves home and finds out the only way to gain respect is to fight strangers | |
| 2387 | + | % | |
| 2388 | + | @Ennui_Raver: @MuscularSon 10-4 sad dad Im lying shirtless on the roof of my trailer snapchatting myself balancing a pizza box on my sizeable gut over | |
| 2389 | + | % | |
| 2390 | + | @mikesacco: rose stems are green | |
| 2391 | + | kind of like hemp | |
| 2392 | + | we all know steel beams | |
| 2393 | + | wouldn't melt at that temp | |
| 2394 | + | % | |
| 2395 | + | @conner_omalley: "I'm super into guys who get pissed off at xbox video games and smash the controllers on the ground, it's really hot." All women | |
| 2396 | + | % | |
| 2397 | + | @neonwario: my resume says both "attention to detail" and "junion financial analyst" | |
| 2398 | + | % | |
| 2399 | + | @ideaot: British Man and Normal Person Conversation | |
| 2400 | + | ||
| 2401 | + | British Man: Oi! M8 m8 m8 sherlock m8! | |
| 2402 | + | Normal Person: Good, how are you? | |
| 2403 | + | % | |
| 2404 | + | @dogboner: the guy who built the berlin wall must have been like "oh cool. great." when they were tearing it down | |
| 2405 | + | % | |
| 2406 | + | @doeg: My handwritten wine tasting notes: | |
| 2407 | + | 1: sweet, grapey, citrusy and bright | |
| 2408 | + | 2: tart and sour, grapefruit | |
| 2409 | + | ... | |
| 2410 | + | 8: idk kinda sweaty | |
| 2411 | + | 9: P GOOD | |
| 2412 | + | % | |
| 2413 | + | @respected_loner: one trick is before doing something say "no whammy no whammy" to decrease the chance of there being a whammy | |
| 2414 | + | % | |
| 2415 | + | @Lovemywife3: I want to change my username | |
| 2416 | + | % | |
| 2417 | + | @wash_cloth: TREBEK: for $800--"You are. You are--that's who!" | |
| 2418 | + | [all three contestants begin to wriggle excitedly and pant and wag their tails] | |
| 2419 | + | % | |
| 2420 | + | @UNTRESOR: Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer | |
| 2421 | + | % | |
| 2422 | + | @drewtoothpaste: "I love this pen, but why did I receive it immediately? And why was it $1.00 instead of $99?" Across the room, Dan Kickstarter had an idea. | |
| 2423 | + | % | |
| 2424 | + | @ch000ch: Greetings, this is your captain speaking. Can anyone here tell me how many thousand feet are in 10 meters & help me turn off all the beeping | |
| 2425 | + | % | |
| 2426 | + | @bitcoin_txt: I informed the manager and we both come to the realization that someone has put their own QR code over top his with double sided tape. FUCK. | |
| 2427 | + | % | |
| 2428 | + | @ideaot: Girl, did it hurt when you were launched from Hell at extreme speed? | |
| 2429 | + | % | |
| 2430 | + | @dvoted_hubsand: Hi I'm Dale, I'll be your segway "instructor." Actually segways cant be instructed. They are wild beasts driven by hate. That was lesson one | |
| 2431 | + | % | |
| 2432 | + | @rad_milk: RIP to philip seymour hoffman. he was so good in twister. the game twister. he was very flexible before the rigor mortis set in | |
| 2433 | + | % | |
| 2434 | + | @fart: “more crawdads for the raw dad” -what im already planning to say at a seafood cookout in the year 2029 | |
| 2435 | + | % | |
| 2436 | + | @funWindow: i came to this town with nothing but the clothes on my back. and a few suitcases full of other clothes. and this one is just shoes actually | |
| 2437 | + | % | |
| 2438 | + | @bjnovak: I come up with some of my best ideas in the shower. "Buy more soap," "need shampoo," stuff like that | |
| 2439 | + | % | |
| 2440 | + | @chuchugoogoo: finish a sentence? I can't...I can't even...I just...this, just this | |
| 2441 | + | % | |
| 2442 | + | @dril: genderman's only weakness is being told that his name contains a masculine bias | |
| 2443 | + | % | |
| 2444 | + | @animal_drums_: 1st letter from the Corinthians to St. Paul: "Fuck off paul. We do what we like. How would you like it if we sent you a letter, dick" | |
| 2445 | + | % | |
| 2446 | + | @degg: im bad news babe a true rebel biker. ive killed people... *sneezes and one of my teeth breaks off* shit oh my god hahaha | |
| 2447 | + | % | |
| 2448 | + | @animal_drums_: [driving behind salt truck, yelling out window] Why are you putting salt on the road dummy? Are you going to try to eat the road? Good luck | |
| 2449 | + | % | |
| 2450 | + | @elzw: Liking 'Pampers Latino' on Facebook is the best thing that's ever happened to me | |
| 2451 | + | % | |
| 2452 | + | @boring_as_heck: "Friendship, friendship, respect, everyone have a good clean game, friendship, Bibles, hike!" - Russell Wilson at the line of scrimmage | |
| 2453 | + | % | |
| 2454 | + | @Laser_Cat: Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this. | |
| 2455 | + | % | |
| 2456 | + | @fart: my life is basically “Stan” but instead of writing to eminem i’m calling mcdonalds every day to ask if the mcrib is back | |
| 2457 | + | % | |
| 2458 | + | @DinkMagic: marty where we're going, we don't NEED friends *i say bye to my wife on my "husband night out" and then play nintendo in the car for 3 hours | |
| 2459 | + | % | |
| 2460 | + | @ieatanddrink: In high school I was known for being the guy who could urinate with parts of his body besides his penis | |
| 2461 | + | % | |
| 2462 | + | @CoreyNotKori: Picture a butterfly fluttering toward a flower, turning around suddenly, and then muttering obscenities because she left her phone at home. | |
| 2463 | + | % | |
| 2464 | + | @collatingbones: hi grampa how is things at the nursing home | |
| 2465 | + | ||
| 2466 | + | i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade | |
| 2467 | + | ||
| 2468 | + | its gay | |
| 2469 | + | % | |
| 2470 | + | @tnylgn: If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal. | |
| 2471 | + | % | |
| 2472 | + | @bransonbranson: in lieu of a musical performance at the golden globes everyone is going to watch the mythbusters fellas throw small axes into ballistics gel | |
| 2473 | + | % | |
| 2474 | + | @HankQuotes: You know, if the class of '02 really 'ruled' they wouldn't have to paint it on a rock. | |
| 2475 | + | % | |
| 2476 | + | @animal_drums_: Welcome to the Parent Teacher conference. The good news is your kid is chilling out and just generally kickin it at almost a 5th grade level | |
| 2477 | + | % | |
| 2478 | + | @animal_drums_: Not gonna bother keeping up with milk anymore. Every time I go to the store theres a new date on the jug and its the same damn milk. Im done | |
| 2479 | + | % | |
| 2480 | + | @animal_drums_: CEO of Dominos defending his product: Actually asshole, almost 7 out of 10 people prefer our pizza to eating a frisbee full of kraft singles | |
| 2481 | + | % | |
| 2482 | + | @degg: all pickup artist techniques are mediocre ripoffs of the time jeff goldblum put a drop of water on the lady scientists arm in jurassic park | |
| 2483 | + | % | |
| 2484 | + | @HJBenjamin: All my past failures have helped shaped who I am today- a really big failure | |
| 2485 | + | % | |
| 2486 | + | @collatingbones: Gold Coast Shrimp Stout | |
| 2487 | + | 6.3% ABV | |
| 2488 | + | ||
| 2489 | + | Little shrimps hatch and crawl up over your glass and you have to catch them. Good beer. | |
| 2490 | + | % | |
| 2491 | + | @leyawn: oh shit this guy is wearing a tshirt over his long sleeve shirt. normally a tshirt goes on first. This rebel must know something i dont know | |
| 2492 | + | % | |
| 2493 | + | @boring_as_heck: Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day. | |
| 2494 | + | % | |
| 2495 | + | @wettbutt: if youre on a 1st date a cool alpha thing to say is "Yea i dunno food really all just tastes the same to me. theres no such thing as flavor" | |
| 2496 | + | % | |
| 2497 | + | @collatingbones: BOURDAIN: yea, yea, the genocide must have been rough, man. shit... so what is this, spicy beef tacos? | |
| 2498 | + | % | |
| 2499 | + | @TweTro: One day my irony filter is going to fail and i'm going to comment "What a piece of shit" on a picture of somebody's baby | |
| 2500 | + | % | |
| 2501 | + | @pushinghoops: "I'm 1/16 Cherokee" - White proverb | |
| 2502 | + | % | |
| 2503 | + | @a_girl_irl: there's a marketing dude somewhere who had to approve the exact fuckability of the girl M&M | |
| 2504 | + | % | |
| 2505 | + | @collatingbones: *Raises Glass* to social media in 2014 | |
| 2506 | + | % | |
| 2507 | + | @TriciaLockwood: "Are you ready to find out what kind of fucked-up dog or cat I am," the girl Animaniac whispers to me as I lift her dress over her head | |
| 2508 | + | % | |
| 2509 | + | @SaddestTiger: if america didn't adopt the dutch word "cookie" in the early 18th century, the cookie monster might've been called the biscuit bastard today | |
| 2510 | + | % | |
| 2511 | + | @collatingbones: So whats everybody's new Years Resolution? Wrong. We're going to stop letting the customers use so many salt packets. Now get back to work | |
| 2512 | + | % | |
| 2513 | + | @boring_as_heck: Imagine if Kevin McCallister was like 5 years older in Home Alone. It would just be him jerking off for the entire movie. | |
| 2514 | + | % | |
| 2515 | + | @dril: back before the web, Content had to be delivered house to house by the content man. he worked 14 hrs a day & people tried to shoot him a lot | |
| 2516 | + | % | |
| 2517 | + | @cat_beltane: a GPS that sighs and says "NO IT'S FINE" every time you miss a turn and it has to recalculate | |
| 2518 | + | % | |
| 2519 | + | @gab1g5: when I die place a pepperoni over each eye so satan knows a true pizza connoisseur has arrived | |
| 2520 | + | % | |
| 2521 | + | @collatingbones: Dude I'm sorry about your dad... I... I know those feels man. It's very... fail. y he no continue living. | |
| 2522 | + | % | |
| 2523 | + | @johnasavoia: periods of gucci mania, followed by gucci depression | |
| 2524 | + | % | |
| 2525 | + | @piss_wizard: its 4am. im starving. i cannot sleep. i stare out of the window into the night, into the stars, into infinity. how do snails fuck | |
| 2526 | + | % | |
| 2527 | + | @MrPhetz: And good Jovi to you, sir | |
| 2528 | + | % | |
| 2529 | + | @m0mmalex: book review: to kill a mockingbird wasnt about mockingbirds and i still don't know how to kill them not a good guide do not recommend | |
| 2530 | + | % | |
| 2531 | + | @disincentivize: Potatoes are tasty. THey make a bread out of potatoes. They should make a spaghetti out of potato. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk | |
| 2532 | + | % | |
| 2533 | + | @911VICTIM: when did mirrors stop displaying a beautiful child with hope for the future and start displaying a fat balding dude with a blank gaze | |
| 2534 | + | % | |
| 2535 | + | @michael_raphone: [Pitching coach calls the bullpen] I don't care what the people want, send in the belly-itcher | |
| 2536 | + | % | |
| 2537 | + | @michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together | |
| 2538 | + | % | |
| 2539 | + | @dudehugs: do cocaine and you become robin williams. do mushrooms and everyone else becomes robin williams | |
| 2540 | + | % | |
| 2541 | + | @katienotopoulos: I came here to chew gum and raise brand awareness, and it looks like I'm all out of Trident™ Layers Wild Strawberry & Lime. | |
| 2542 | + | % | |
| 2543 | + | @katienotopoulos: Boston police interrogation: [good cop] here's some chowder. [bad cop] *throws chowder on face* you don't deserve chowder you maggot | |
| 2544 | + | % | |
| 2545 | + | @hipsterboner: I'll never forget the day I took my newborn daughter in my arms, looked her in the eyes and whispered softly "Have you seen The Wire" | |
| 2546 | + | % | |
| 2547 | + | @jdcrowley: If you think it's funny to reveal to kids that Santa isn't real, instead try telling them he did 9/11. It's WAY funnier. | |
| 2548 | + | % | |
| 2549 | + | @d2fn: if this gets 1000 RTs i will literally eat a panther | |
| 2550 | + | % | |
| 2551 | + | @meganamram: Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads | |
| 2552 | + | % | |
| 2553 | + | @ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it | |
| 2554 | + | % | |
| 2555 | + | @fart: Bacon. Dubstep. Father of two. Freethinker. Bitcoin. Doctor Who. Zombie apocalypse survivor. Shampoo is a scam. I’m in the empire business. | |
| 2556 | + | % | |
| 2557 | + | @crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child | |
| 2558 | + | % | |
| 2559 | + | @tastefactory: Please, call me Maury. Mr. Povich was my father. Or was he? We'll find out after the break. | |
| 2560 | + | % | |
| 2561 | + | @craigrachel: Business idea: we will have 3 "Download" buttons but only 1 will be correct. The other 2 will be tricks or something | |
| 2562 | + | % | |
| 2563 | + | @wettbutt: US Poker Champ Comes Clean: "I Only Became Good At This So I Could Wear Sunglasses Inside" | |
| 2564 | + | % | |
| 2565 | + | @wettbutt: welcome back to physics. im your profs twin brother. he quit school after u all made fun of his tattoos. todays lesson is on quantum Manners | |
| 2566 | + | % | |
| 2567 | + | @PureDad: I remain entirely silent on the roller coaster only screaming when the ride stops and I have to return to my shitty life. | |
| 2568 | + | % | |
| 2569 | + | @jejerepy: what kind of idiots buy coins they cant even eat | |
| 2570 | + | % | |
| 2571 | + | @boring_as_heck: Every cloud has its silver lining. If 9/11 happened a day earlier, we'd have to change our "out of ten" rating system. | |
| 2572 | + | % | |
| 2573 | + | @ch000ch: *wearing a GoPro on my head* no i'm fine. just thought this date would be more extreme | |
| 2574 | + | % | |
| 2575 | + | @rad_milk: *judge bangs gavel* sir youre found not guilty under the precedents of I Can Has Legal Immunity (2008) & Y U No Dismiss My Allegation (2010) | |
| 2576 | + | % | |
| 2577 | + | @TriciaLockwood: "Stop giving away your content for free," my mom sobs on the phone. "No one will ever marry you if you give away your content for free" | |
| 2578 | + | % | |
| 2579 | + | @BromanConsul: I awake to find a note under my pillow: | |
| 2580 | + | ||
| 2581 | + | [Bush did 9/11] | |
| 2582 | + | ||
| 2583 | + | "Looks like someone got a visit from the truthfairy" a voice whispers | |
| 2584 | + | "DAD I'M 23" | |
| 2585 | + | % | |
| 2586 | + | @dril: woah. just realized the "Hungryman" logo on this can of sloppy joe is referring to me, the guy buying and eating thhe food. Insane mindfuck | |
| 2587 | + | % | |
| 2588 | + | @neonwario: SCENE: Anti-irony reprogramming center. A voice says over the PA: "Hitler Is Bad". Some shout "Hitler Is Good". I know better. I keep quiet | |
| 2589 | + | % | |
| 2590 | + | @degg: *bench presses 1000 lbs* ah shoot that workout made me hungry *eats a one milllion dollar bill* | |
| 2591 | + | % | |
| 2592 | + | @mattytalks: What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins | |
| 2593 | + | % | |
| 2594 | + | @bransonbranson: for the talent portion of this years Husky Boy Pageant i will, again, heat up a can of chili simply by laying on it for a few minutes | |
| 2595 | + | % | |
| 2596 | + | @corysnearowski: Pretty sure you should bet on the Giants this week, pal *winks, looks around* I slept with the football | |
| 2597 | + | % | |
| 2598 | + | @dril: daily reminder that i wear a suit and tie daily eeven though I have not set foot in public for over 16 years #GoodBoy #Hansdome | |
| 2599 | + | % | |
| 2600 | + | @neonwario: when they flip a coin in the movies how do they make it so that the coin lands on the right side [self.movies] | |
| 2601 | + | % | |
| 2602 | + | @swarthyvillain: on page 4 of my resume you'll see all the random suburban teens i subjected to period in front of the @ replies. they stopped being racist | |
| 2603 | + | % | |
| 2604 | + | @tastefactory: [on phone] Haha no I'm not sitting around alone on a Saturday night dude. I'm hanging with my bros...uh...Jeff Boyardee and...um...Ned Flix. | |
| 2605 | + | % | |
| 2606 | + | @Thynebear: [Jesus at the bar] | |
| 2607 | + | "Oh, I'll just have a water" | |
| 2608 | + | *winks at camera* | |
| 2609 | + | % | |
| 2610 | + | @Thynebear: *calls into work* | |
| 2611 | + | ||
| 2612 | + | "yo boss i'm real sick" | |
| 2613 | + | ||
| 2614 | + | "you don't sound sick..." | |
| 2615 | + | ||
| 2616 | + | "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" | |
| 2617 | + | ||
| 2618 | + | "wow u do sound hella sick" | |
| 2619 | + | % | |
| 2620 | + | @blippoblappo: REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album? | |
| 2621 | + | ||
| 2622 | + | OBAMA: What kind of question is -- | |
| 2623 | + | ||
| 2624 | + | [biden grabs podium] | |
| 2625 | + | ||
| 2626 | + | BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS | |
| 2627 | + | % | |
| 2628 | + | @ibogost: What Educators Can Learn From Some Dumbass Thing I Just Made Up | |
| 2629 | + | % | |
| 2630 | + | @neonwario: 1950: Woman, make me a sandwich! | |
| 2631 | + | 2010: Woman, cloudsource me data analytics solutions! | |
| 2632 | + | 2040: 62656572206d65 | |
| 2633 | + | % | |
| 2634 | + | @NightValeRadio: Would the owner of a blue Ford Focus please think about the human heart for a bit? Really mull over the precariousness of physical life. | |
| 2635 | + | % | |
| 2636 | + | @neonwario: 2000s: Everything causes cancer! | |
| 2637 | + | 2010s: Everything causes autism! | |
| 2638 | + | 2020s: Everything alerts the Spiders | |
| 2639 | + | 2030s: Everything causes space autism | |
| 2640 | + | % | |
| 2641 | + | @boring_as_heck: [runs in a zig-zag pattern to confuse the komodo dragon chasing me] fucking idiot haha | |
| 2642 | + | % | |
| 2643 | + | @iscoff: "Minesweeper!" — a boring person's favourite game or an angry German custodian yelling at teens who stole his broom | |
| 2644 | + | % | |
| 2645 | + | @boring_as_heck: Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma | |
| 2646 | + | % | |
| 2647 | + | @animal_drums_: Man it's so nice outside. It's nicer than a witch's tit. It's more appealing out there than if a witch cast a sexiness spell on her own boob | |
| 2648 | + | % | |
| 2649 | + | @swarthyvillain: where do i see myself in 5 years? using a slightly better iphone to fool people into thinking calvin coolidge was a diaper fetishist | |
| 2650 | + | % | |
| 2651 | + | @collatingbones: Waiter: Would you prefer a dry wine sir? | |
| 2652 | + | ||
| 2653 | + | Me (wealthy): wine is wet. you're being disingenuous. [Knocks silverware off table] pick that up. | |
| 2654 | + | % | |
| 2655 | + | @KeetPotato: How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore | |
| 2656 | + | % | |
| 2657 | + | @911VICTIM: all the ppl who update facebook about local escaped pedophiles are just rival pedophiles doing it to take the heat off them | |
| 2658 | + | % | |
| 2659 | + | @DanaJGould: Traditional marriage is the union between a man and a woman arranged by their parents while they are still children in exchange for land. | |
| 2660 | + | % | |
| 2661 | + | @dril: i have moved all of my bitcoins directly into my brain for safekeeping until all this nutso crap blows over | |
| 2662 | + | % | |
| 2663 | + | @websigh: yeah i'd say poptarts are pretty good but i mostly like indietarts. i mean, i pretty much like all tarts except for rap and country | |
| 2664 | + | % | |
| 2665 | + | @animal_drums_: I invented a lot of shit but all anyone talks about is the wheel. I also thought of doing stuff really poorly out of spite when youre mad | |
| 2666 | + | % | |
| 2667 | + | @dril: "the ancient americans had over 20 words for sandwich but only 1 word for betamax. fucked up but real" says a future man to his crystal son | |
| 2668 | + | % | |
| 2669 | + | @swarthyvillain: cant believe taylor swift is dating FUCKMAN_DE_MADRID after he posted "i love the feet, come to spane" on her instagram | |
| 2670 | + | % | |
| 2671 | + | @i_eat_fruit: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness? | |
| 2672 | + | me: im vague | |
| 2673 | + | interviewer: can u elaborate? | |
| 2674 | + | me: yeah | |
| 2675 | + | % | |
| 2676 | + | @TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?" | |
| 2677 | + | I have to check with the Mrs! | |
| 2678 | + | [unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply] | |
| 2679 | + | No sorry I have plans | |
| 2680 | + | % | |
| 2681 | + | @dril: ME: ill take.. one Cruisp bird w/ extra bird sauce please | |
| 2682 | + | KFC CLERK: Huh? | |
| 2683 | + | ME: (gives him the Wink of Irony) | |
| 2684 | + | KFC CLERK: Ah! The Wink of Irony | |
| 2685 | + | % | |
| 2686 | + | @Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3 | |
| 2687 | + | % | |
| 2688 | + | @alliewach: technically it's not even hypnotiq unless it comes from the hypnotiqúe region of France | |
| 2689 | + | % | |
| 2690 | + | @HelloCullen: Say yes to depressed | |
| 2691 | + | % | |
| 2692 | + | @DanMentos: "Grandpa what was it like before emojis?" | |
| 2693 | + | Well, we used words called adjectives | |
| 2694 | + | "That doesn't seem very 💯" | |
| 2695 | + | No, it was not very 💯 at all | |
| 2696 | + | % | |
| 2697 | + | @dril: folks the only thing higher than Cheetch & Chong—is gas prices | |
| 2698 | + | (audience goes wild, hooting,screaming; starting Great Gas Price Riot of '15) | |
| 2699 | + | % | |
| 2700 | + | @70Ceeks: You know "sea foam" is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great | |
| 2701 | + | % | |
| 2702 | + | @Tormny_Pickeals: hey Dickens, were the times good or were they bad, you flip-flopping piece of garbage good-or-bad-times waffling ass motherfucker | |
| 2703 | + | % | |
| 2704 | + | @aprilmaywilson: Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it. | |
| 2705 | + | % | |
| 2706 | + | @degg: i need a huge new wallet for my hundred dollars my petperks cards and my vibrator | |
| 2707 | + | % | |
| 2708 | + | @EthanGSN: @PFTCommenter I'm trying to coach my dads senior pop warner league team from the court ordered 1000 yards away | |
| 2709 | + | % | |
| 2710 | + | @MrBrendan23: @PFTCommenter I'm mixing in some shots with my beers too promote muscle confusion. | |
| 2711 | + | % | |
| 2712 | + | @PFTCommenter: How are YOU getting ready for NFL thursday? Im camped outside tilted kilt with an huge erecton and a terrible towel | |
| 2713 | + | % | |
| 2714 | + | @trumpetcake: I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere. | |
| 2715 | + | % | |
| 2716 | + | @SirEviscerate: Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. | |
| 2717 | + | *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag* | |
| 2718 | + | % | |
| 2719 | + | @TriciaLockwood: Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it | |
| 2720 | + | % | |
| 2721 | + | @danielralston: Meet hot married men who will explain things to you on Actually Madison. | |
| 2722 | + | % | |
| 2723 | + | @dril: soirry. i didnt know retweeting "fuck lobsterfest" would make me lose 200 followers. ive learned my lesson so feel free to follow me again | |
| 2724 | + | % | |
| 2725 | + | @dril: (pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes | |
| 2726 | + | % | |
| 2727 | + | @ldobsonhughes: Amazing - overheard at Whole Foods. "Um, I need to read the numbers on the barcode aloud to you. I don't want any lasers touching my food." | |
| 2728 | + | % | |
| 2729 | + | @Bro_Pair: PLANNED PARENTHOOD SECRET VIDEO | |
| 2730 | + | ||
| 2731 | + | "You kill infants right" | |
| 2732 | + | ||
| 2733 | + | Nurse's mouth opens, video freezes | |
| 2734 | + | ||
| 2735 | + | *Arnold Soundboard voice* Yeah, that's right | |
| 2736 | + | % | |
| 2737 | + | @robwhisman: unreal. actor posing as scared teen making toughest decision of her life gets planned parenthood clinician to fall for updog gag (video) | |
| 2738 | + | % | |
| 2739 | + | @robwhisman: you go through life thinking numbers don't get much bigger than a million. then you see two million and its like, are you fuckin kidding me | |
| 2740 | + | % | |
| 2741 | + | @DinkMagic: Hah no Sorry babe they call me skidmark because I was driving a car and turned and the tires screeched and I shit my pants from being scared | |
| 2742 | + | % | |
| 2743 | + | @DanMentos: date: So what do you do? | |
| 2744 | + | me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist | |
| 2745 | + | date: Oh wow | |
| 2746 | + | fox: and a ventriloquist | |
| 2747 | + | % | |
| 2748 | + | @bobby: there is such a thing as too nice toilet paper. some of the top tier varieties are mondo thick. like wipin your ass with a damn persian rug | |
| 2749 | + | % | |
| 2750 | + | @freecialis: Thanks for calling me, an economist, to the stand in this murder trial. Everything everyone did was good because it increased their utility. | |
| 2751 | + | % | |
| 2752 | + | @DVSblast: ARE YOU A COMPANY AND YOU SUCK REAL BAD? GIMME MONEY AND I WILL FIX IT BY SAYING HIP YOUTHFUL SHIT LIKE "AYO SUCK MY DICK, ITS ME ARBY'S" | |
| 2753 | + | % | |
| 2754 | + | @neonwario: bakers use 13 as their dozen because historically they are a stupid group of dipshits | |
| 2755 | + | % | |
| 2756 | + | @animaldrumss: wow nice recital, it took you one year to learn to play that song on violin? i can go to youtube in one second and find a song by mozart. | |
| 2757 | + | % | |
| 2758 | + | @swarthyvillain: @Lowenaffchen | |
| 2759 | + | USER: Swarthyvillain | |
| 2760 | + | BLOCK BOT LEVEL 3: | |
| 2761 | + | REASON: harasses activists who call it "Trader Joe's" instead of "Trader's Joe" | |
| 2762 | + | % | |
| 2763 | + | @ebrawley: This "adult pre-school" thing in Brooklyn makes me wish Dennis Miller was still alive. Man. I bet he'd have some real slams on that thing | |
| 2764 | + | % | |
| 2765 | + | @brendlewhat: Your resume states "Despite every precious second of life being a wondrous mystery, I'll spend it in an office, caring about Work." Hired. | |
| 2766 | + | % | |
| 2767 | + | @yunginstitution: bury me in my finest tech wearables | |
| 2768 | + | % | |
| 2769 | + | @degg: "hey baby nice tits!!" | |
| 2770 | + | christ on a bike i wish this harassment wouuld stop. im a man. and my huge cans are lamentable | |
| 2771 | + | % | |
| 2772 | + | @rad_milk: COP: ready the suspect for cross examination | |
| 2773 | + | ME: let me tell you bout a guy who was "Cross examined" he died 2000 years ago for our sins | |
| 2774 | + | % | |
| 2775 | + | @6thgrade4ever: 2044. washington dc. my hand atop the bible. | |
| 2776 | + | CHIEF JUSTICE: ...defend the Constitution of the United States | |
| 2777 | + | ME: fuck her right in the pussy | |
| 2778 | + | % | |
| 2779 | + | @jonnysun: LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name | |
| 2780 | + | ||
| 2781 | + | ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack | |
| 2782 | + | % | |
| 2783 | + | @davedittell: I can't afford a subscription to Dog Fancy so I get Basic Bitch instead | |
| 2784 | + | % | |
| 2785 | + | @BMcCarthy32: the first day at a new job is always scary but thankfully I had a shower with my co-workers to look forward to and that took the edge off | |
| 2786 | + | % | |
| 2787 | + | @neonwario: The wifi password is "NoCapitals_1SpelledOut" | |
| 2788 | + | % | |
| 2789 | + | @Lowenaffchen: I live by the three S's... Sarcasm, Sriracha and Shirt that says no i will not fix your computer | |
| 2790 | + | % | |
| 2791 | + | @edyong209: Roses are red | |
| 2792 | + | Violets are blue | |
| 2793 | + | Vaccinate your kids | |
| 2794 | + | % | |
| 2795 | + | @pr0spector88: Letterman:Our next guest is.. a huge piece of shit | |
| 2796 | + | [i walk out on stage & am greeted by thundering applause][letterman spits coffee out lol] | |
| 2797 | + | % | |
| 2798 | + | @leyawn: im still permanently banned from from three different bird watching forums for photoshopping cups of dr pepper into pictures of birds | |
| 2799 | + | % | |
| 2800 | + | @HelloCullen: one time ppl were doing yoga in the park and my dog ran up and got into the same pose as them and took a shit. i gave her a whole hamburger. | |
| 2801 | + | % | |
| 2802 | + | @NightValeRadio: He died doing what he loved…letting his guard down around birds. | |
| 2803 | + | % | |
| 2804 | + | @Lowenaffchen: ME (entering hell): I hope they serve beer here | |
| 2805 | + | SATAN: did you come up with that quip yourself | |
| 2806 | + | ME: yes | |
| 2807 | + | SATAN: its really good | |
| 2808 | + | % | |
| 2809 | + | @dril: like this if youre one of the 3% of teens who remembers when music was just guys saying "my name is kid rock" over and over | |
| 2810 | + | % | |
| 2811 | + | @leyawn: i used to ride my bike and play outside with other kids. then my parents got me vaccinated. Now i post online eighteen to twenty hours a day | |
| 2812 | + | % | |
| 2813 | + | @Fauxgyptian: POLITICAL PARTY 1: WE OFFER NOTHING BEYOND THE CONTINUANCE OF OUR DECAY AS A NATION | |
| 2814 | + | POLITICAL PARTY 2: MAYBE MEDICINE IS ACTUALLY A DISEASE | |
| 2815 | + | % | |
| 2816 | + | @BevisSimpson: i dont follow hot early 20's white girls on here because im a horny creep. i follow them because i love tweets about how Kanye is good | |
| 2817 | + | % | |
| 2818 | + | @DALIAMALEK: So glad 50 shades of grey popularised 'sex' & made it accessible to the average consumer | |
| 2819 | + | % | |
| 2820 | + | @crushingbort: *effortlessly rips off bondage blindfold* did you really think this was powerful enough to stop me | |
| 2821 | + | % | |
| 2822 | + | @ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999* | |
| 2823 | + | % | |
| 2824 | + | @weedguy420boner: Me at 16: while messy, public discourse is the only way to improve civil society | |
| 2825 | + | At 30: I wonder if I can get this nerd to say what's updog | |
| 2826 | + | % | |
| 2827 | + | @BevisSimpson: [rolls a die made of human bone that has all the different Subway sub options on each face][it comes up Tuna] so it shall be.. | |
| 2828 | + | % | |
| 2829 | + | @jonahkeri: A dejected Mike McCarthy heads to Vegas, sidles up to blackjack table, spends entire night sticking on 12 against face cards. | |
| 2830 | + | % | |
| 2831 | + | @weedguy420boner: Want to feel old? The kid in the "Charlie bit my finger" video was just sent to a penal colony on Europa for trying to clone humans | |
| 2832 | + | % | |
| 2833 | + | @dril: @NancyGraceHLN my 2 year old son is drawing swastikas everywhere after seeing a toddler smoke weed on your show. thanks #Irresponsible | |
| 2834 | + | % | |
| 2835 | + | @mattmacneil: me: so you're saying i have to go back to school, starting with grade 1, all over again? | |
| 2836 | + | ||
| 2837 | + | judge: no sir you are going to prison for life | |
| 2838 | + | % | |
| 2839 | + | @Mobute: Jason Garrett looks like the RAF major in a WWII movie who says "I know these German chaps can be reasoned with" before being shot to death. | |
| 2840 | + | % | |
| 2841 | + | @markleggett: If I lived in Gotham City, I’d steal the two roses Bruce Wayne lays down in Crime Alley every year and give them to women with big tits. | |
| 2842 | + | % | |
| 2843 | + | @neonwario: Folks if you ask me, the drink "Sex on the beach" has a name designed to be provocative. I'll just have an oatmeal with raw slivered almonds | |
| 2844 | + | % | |
| 2845 | + | @robwhisman: 26. new to tinder. recently single, though unsullied. albion sword in the pic is mine, the kimono is not | |
| 2846 | + | % | |
| 2847 | + | @dril: awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far | |
| 2848 | + | % | |
| 2849 | + | @Lowenaffchen: RIP Santa. his sleigh crossed paths with a great horned owl and its beak hit his jugular vein at 120mph | |
| 2850 | + | % | |
| 2851 | + | @ariscott: Midnight mass? More like midnight ass. Because of all the food. The Christmas food. That makes my ass big. I am all alone tonight. | |
| 2852 | + | % | |
| 2853 | + | @dril: tomorrow im going to fill up on bread befoore 10am and get waterboarded by my seven identical uncles | |
| 2854 | + | % | |
| 2855 | + | @dril: #WorstDateIn5words a bunvch of blades arranged to spell out" 9/11". the worst date, in swords | |
| 2856 | + | % | |
| 2857 | + | @thenatewolf: *Orders pizza* | |
| 2858 | + | ||
| 2859 | + | What a night | |
| 2860 | + | ||
| 2861 | + | *Phone buzzes* | |
| 2862 | + | ||
| 2863 | + | And a text? Killing it | |
| 2864 | + | ||
| 2865 | + | *checks phone* | |
| 2866 | + | ||
| 2867 | + | ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising | |
| 2868 | + | % | |
| 2869 | + | @dril: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like "oh tortures bad","its ineffective" fuck off | |
| 2870 | + | % | |
| 2871 | + | @dogboner: @ChuckCJohnson your hair looks like somebody put it there as a prank | |
| 2872 | + | % | |
| 2873 | + | @wettbutt: bowling would be a better game if you had to crawl down the lane and pick up the pins yourself and learn about futility and consequence | |
| 2874 | + | % | |
| 2875 | + | @dril: "Give me an App that will make me say, 'Wow'" "Apps will help us in our lives" "An App is always just a download away" some good app quotes | |
| 2876 | + | % | |
| 2877 | + | @boring_as_heck: Wait a second, this isn't a vase at all. It's just two guys pushing their faces together. I paid $7000 for this, what the hell. | |
| 2878 | + | % | |
| 2879 | + | @boring_as_heck: MICHELE: Well Al, Jim Harbaugh says they're going to keep playing like shit in the 2nd half, instead of playing better. | |
| 2880 | + | AL: Thanks Michele. | |
| 2881 | + | % | |
| 2882 | + | @g0m: [turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later | |
| 2883 | + | % | |
| 2884 | + | @robwhisman: looking to join a new group of friends. would like to be the guy who says "well that went well" when something doesn't actually go well | |
| 2885 | + | % | |
| 2886 | + | @wettbutt: juicy j: "Inhale, exhale, go to jail, im postin bail" | |
| 2887 | + | rap genius editor: here he describes a cyberpunk city where its illegal to breathe air | |
| 2888 | + | % | |
| 2889 | + | @michaeljhudson: The only kid I knew who became a cop tried to convince me at age 12, that Lola from Space Jam was his real girlfriend. | |
| 2890 | + | % | |
| 2891 | + | @rad_milk: ok mr. Jos. A Bank if Family Size isnt "a real shirt size" then maybe you can tell me why you arent "a real bank" | |
| 2892 | + | % | |
| 2893 | + | @swarthyvillain: when my wife and i are about to hang up, we do this cute thing where we keep saying "i am literally adolf hitler" and "no I'M hitler" | |
| 2894 | + | % | |
| 2895 | + | @fart: there was a secret darpa project to attempt to build the most insufferable twitter bot and the experiment was a success: @LegoIsPlural | |
| 2896 | + | % | |
| 2897 | + | @DinkMagic: if i was mario & i had to stomp some animals to death with my feet to get my girlfriend back i dont know if i could do it | |
| 2898 | + | % | |
| 2899 | + | @swarthyvillain: Time Person of the Year is important to me. dominos makes pizza "too italian" for my taste and i'm afraid to shake my dick after i piss | |
| 2900 | + | % | |
| 2901 | + | @snakebro: Feels like a getting drunk alone in a parking lot kind of night | |
| 2902 | + | % | |
| 2903 | + | @_woodpile: me: hey bro nice Dead shirt. | |
| 2904 | + | bro: yo, you ever hear the show from nineteen eighty se- | |
| 2905 | + | me: you gonna buy some fuckin keef or what? | |
| 2906 | + | Sold. | |
| 2907 | + | % | |
| 2908 | + | @degg: i texted a photo of my ass to my softball rival to curse him now he's wiffing on everything. buddy im getting a cold from that breeze lol | |
| 2909 | + | % | |
| 2910 | + | @wettbutt: my favorite rap thing is when a song starts with people getting pissed off that the song is on. Ahh shit.. Damn. It's the rap song. Fuck it | |
| 2911 | + | % | |
| 2912 | + | @jonnysun: look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat | |
| 2913 | + | % | |
| 2914 | + | @bridger_w: People get so caught up thinking how deadly falling off a cliff is that they forget it's also extremely embarrassing | |
| 2915 | + | % | |
| 2916 | + | @bridger_w: Just thought of something really nice to say about my friend. I hope he dies before me so I can say it at his funeral | |
| 2917 | + | % | |
| 2918 | + | @vvvolte: if you think there's a better way to cut your hair than to blast it off with a shotgun than i don't want to hear it. and i can't | |
| 2919 | + | % | |
| 2920 | + | @crushingbort: It would be cool if instead of uncomfortable beds there were holes in the earth that you could just sleep-plummet in for eight hours | |
| 2921 | + | % | |
| 2922 | + | @jitka: My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in | |
| 2923 | + | % | |
| 2924 | + | @joshxhowie: Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club. | |
| 2925 | + | % | |
| 2926 | + | @dril: the blue thumnbtacks on this map indicate concentrations of high 月(luna) energy, the red ones are all the panera breads ive been banned from | |
| 2927 | + | % | |
| 2928 | + | @animaldrumss: [I get up at the end of my comedy central roast with a notebook i've been writing in the whole time and calmly refute every single insult] | |
| 2929 | + | % | |
| 2930 | + | @animaldrumss: Neil: One small step for man... | |
| 2931 | + | Houston: more like one small dick for Neil Armstrong | |
| 2932 | + | Neil: fuck you! | |
| 2933 | + | Houston: run away to the moon about it | |
| 2934 | + | % | |
| 2935 | + | @meganamram: The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing | |
| 2936 | + | % | |
| 2937 | + | @dril: to counter-act the terrible "ISIS", im starting my own group called "NICEis". what we do is give retweets & faves to the hopelessly decrepit | |
| 2938 | + | % | |
| 2939 | + | @dril: congress: it would be an honor to let you join Congress | |
| 2940 | + | me: absolutely no. it'd be a disservice to my followers to join the bastard congress | |
| 2941 | + | % | |
| 2942 | + | @DinkMagic: It's bad to tweet like god damn idiot for a restaurants money. You're supposed to do it for free because you have mental depression | |
| 2943 | + | % | |
| 2944 | + | @brendohare: This interview is over [struggles to get out of beanbag chair] | |
| 2945 | + | % | |
| 2946 | + | @EliTerry: I like when there is a full length mirror in front of a toilet because it's like, oh yeah, my human body is disgusting. Nice reminder. | |
| 2947 | + | % | |
| 2948 | + | @DanMentos: “Grandpa what was it like in the old days?" | |
| 2949 | + | Well kid, phones only had one app: Phone | |
| 2950 | + | *kid is just bawling uncontrollably* | |
| 2951 | + | % | |
| 2952 | + | @bug_deal: anyone else on here an absurdly elaborate assemblage of trillions of cells with no higher purpose and lots of urges | |
| 2953 | + | % | |
| 2954 | + | @rad_milk: INTERVIEWER: where do you see yourself in five years | |
| 2955 | + | ME: i think they should release a completely shirtless mario game on all consoles | |
| 2956 | + | % | |
| 2957 | + | @nickmullen: "feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready | |
| 2958 | + | % | |
| 2959 | + | @neonwario: Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood | |
| 2960 | + | % | |
| 2961 | + | @animaldrumss: Ahh sorry, Id post a pic but my smile always looks fake, and plus I live inside an abandoned toilet factory and my teeth are yellow chiclets | |
| 2962 | + | % | |
| 2963 | + | @dogboner: love separating the wheat from the chaff. get the fuck out of here, chaff. stupid piece of shit | |
| 2964 | + | % | |
| 2965 | + | @g0m: I used to laugh at people who would run off a cliff and then stay in position until they looked down - and now, I'm one of them... | |
| 2966 | + | % | |
| 2967 | + | @HotEnoughForYa: Im on Tinder for networking. On weekends you can find me sipping coffee in the tire store waiting room | |
| 2968 | + | % | |
| 2969 | + | @UrplePingo: [at interview for a waiter job] Well, I feel that I bring a lot to the table | |
| 2970 | + | % | |
| 2971 | + | @Lowenaffchen: I used to think i was black when i was little / Trayvon got shot just for having skittles -Macklemore - Skittles (Tribute to Trayvon) (2016) | |
| 2972 | + | % | |
| 2973 | + | @tetradugenica: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in the history of the WWE, the custody of a child will be determined in a ladder match | |
| 2974 | + | % | |
| 2975 | + | @cryotuna: NORMIE: ebola is scarey | |
| 2976 | + | ME: actually [smirk] your more likely to die of cancer or heart disease | |
| 2977 | + | NORMIE: I'll take better care of myself now | |
| 2978 | + | % | |
| 2979 | + | @NicestHippo: *doesn't look up from phone* | |
| 2980 | + | I do | |
| 2981 | + | % | |
| 2982 | + | @Thynebear: *uses my one phone call in jail on a radio request* | |
| 2983 | + | % | |
| 2984 | + | @murrman5: what's on your back? | |
| 2985 | + | "a katana" | |
| 2986 | + | what? | |
| 2987 | + | "it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here" | |
| 2988 | + | % | |
| 2989 | + | @Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] | |
| 2990 | + | "Did u just propose using emojis?" | |
| 2991 | + | ... | |
| 2992 | + | "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" | |
| 2993 | + | [She's already gone] | |
| 2994 | + | % | |
| 2995 | + | @BevisSimpson: Dialogue Between Gamers | |
| 2996 | + | Gamer 1: I prefer Features | |
| 2997 | + | Gamer 2: I like insanely sick graphics. | |
| 2998 | + | Gamer 1: well, at least we both hate Feminism. | |
| 2999 | + | % | |
| 3000 | + | @nice_mustard: BREAKING: NASA reveals the reason we haven't been back to the moon is Moon Spiders. "the moon is fucked up as hell," said one scientist | |
| 3001 | + | % | |
| 3002 | + | @jonnysun: this is the story of a girl / | |
| 3003 | + | who cried a river & rejuvenated the ecosystem of the area, bringimg back a natural vitalitey to the whole city | |
| 3004 | + | % | |
| 3005 | + | @dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. | |
| 3006 | + | Me: He didn't. But watch this. | |
| 3007 | + | [I make the doll do a backflip] | |
| 3008 | + | Judge: Holy shit lol | |
| 3009 | + | % | |
| 3010 | + | @dril: "im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob | |
| 3011 | + | % | |
| 3012 | + | @dril: stonehenge actually sucks and i hope someone pushes those rocks the hell over real soon | |
| 3013 | + | % | |
| 3014 | + | @DinkMagic: Cant wait for the new hobbit movie so I can know the end of the 9 hour story of some guys trying to get their money from a snake or whatever | |
| 3015 | + | % | |
| 3016 | + | @BAKKOOONN: much like ortolan ( bird u eat whole with napkin over your head so god cant see your sin) daylight savings is free hour; plan accordingly | |
| 3017 | + | % | |
| 3018 | + | @bashfulcoward: Cop: what's your height | |
| 3019 | + | me: 6'1" | |
| 3020 | + | Cop: eye color? | |
| 3021 | + | me: blue | |
| 3022 | + | Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying... | |
| 3023 | + | me: what? | |
| 3024 | + | cop: shut the fuck up | |
| 3025 | + | % | |
| 3026 | + | @ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you | |
| 3027 | + | "..y..o..u..'r..e.." | |
| 3028 | + | % | |
| 3029 | + | @boring_as_heck: NANTZ: And there's the kicker warming up. | |
| 3030 | + | SIMMS: The kicker could use the practice net as a hammock if he wanted. | |
| 3031 | + | NANTZ: Thank you Phil. | |
| 3032 | + | % | |
| 3033 | + | @fart: computer, load things that are a short length of time, cross reference with baseball game | |
| 3034 | + | “this game is longer than Kim k’s first marriage” | |
| 3035 | + | % | |
| 3036 | + | @dogboner: if any of you are looking to buy an ark I noah guy. lol. Please give me something to do that isn't this website. | |
| 3037 | + | % | |
| 3038 | + | @weinerdog4life: When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt | |
| 3039 | + | % | |
| 3040 | + | @crushingbort: Liquor before beer, never fear | |
| 3041 | + | Enchiladas before a date, be home before 8 | |
| 3042 | + | % | |
| 3043 | + | @PaperWash: Daddy can we go to the park?! | |
| 3044 | + | ||
| 3045 | + | *looks at 12% battery* | |
| 3046 | + | ||
| 3047 | + | "No" | |
| 3048 | + | % | |
| 3049 | + | @freecialis: technically we built this city on migrant labor, but we did play rock and roll for them while they built it | |
| 3050 | + | % | |
| 3051 | + | @BevisSimpson: cool kid: that denim is washed. its NOT raw i can tell | |
| 3052 | + | Me: nah man look closer.. check it.. [he leans in and I muay thai knee his nose bone] | |
| 3053 | + | % | |
| 3054 | + | @DinkMagic: Still think there should be dude fitness classes at the Y where you all go over to a dudes yard and just tee off on a tree with bats | |
| 3055 | + | % | |
| 3056 | + | @KattWillFerrell: first it was windows 8 then it was windows 10, what's next windows 12 | |
| 3057 | + | % | |
| 3058 | + | @murrman5: [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] | |
| 3059 | + | "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan" | |
| 3060 | + | % | |
| 3061 | + | @ch000ch: "dang. i forgot to make balls less gross. ah whatev." -god, day 7 | |
| 3062 | + | % | |
| 3063 | + | @ch000ch: [being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let's see where this goes | |
| 3064 | + | % | |
| 3065 | + | @dogboner: [seamlessly transfers 13.00 from savings to checking, then back again] Jesus christ this is probably how the wolf on wall street guy felt | |
| 3066 | + | % | |
| 3067 | + | @mattytalks: My girlfriend thought my race car bed showed that I was immature, so I got a minivan bed to show her I'm serious about our future | |
| 3068 | + | % | |
| 3069 | + | @dril: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. | |
| 3070 | + | ME: I agree | |
| 3071 | + | % | |
| 3072 | + | @ch000ch: hey can i use ur phone real quick | |
| 3073 | + | "sure yeah hold on a sec" [moves to mexico and begins a new life] | |
| 3074 | + | % | |
| 3075 | + | @BevisSimpson: [tries to drink some bad tasting whiskey to be cool like the guy from Mad Men][it stings my throat] fuck!! fuck this!!!! [smashes the glass] | |
| 3076 | + | % | |
| 3077 | + | @bashfulcoward: JUDGE: So Andrew, you're saying someone swiped your pants in the dark haunted house and replaced them with a pissed pair? | |
| 3078 | + | ME: yes your honor | |
| 3079 | + | % | |
| 3080 | + | @bashfulcoward: What would I do with $500? oh man... [imagines driving 20 jetskis through an indoor river inside my mansion] | |
| 3081 | + | % | |
| 3082 | + | @dril: "i think that, if every American had a math book in his hand, instead of the big gulp, we would be in a better place, of the country." -Dril | |
| 3083 | + | % | |
| 3084 | + | @michaeljhudson: buying the physical U2 album is 2014's hottest gag gift | |
| 3085 | + | % | |
| 3086 | + | @famouscrab: in the film 'home alone' you might be surprised to find it was actually the robbers who were truly home alone | |
| 3087 | + | % | |
| 3088 | + | @dril: Beat the shit out of the football. Beat the shit out of the football. Beat the shit out of the football. 11 43 22 36 hothothothot | |
| 3089 | + | % | |
| 3090 | + | @boring_as_heck: TREBEK: And Stefan, you have a story about a funny YouTube video? | |
| 3091 | + | ME: That's right Alex. So this guy on a bike- or, wait, no, it was an ATV, | |
| 3092 | + | % | |
| 3093 | + | @wettbutt: me: thank you mr president | |
| 3094 | + | barack obama: [in mocking dumb voice] thank you mr presindent | |
| 3095 | + | me: wow... im going to tweet about this you bastard | |
| 3096 | + | % | |
| 3097 | + | @Cheesegod69: Ho Ho Ho! It's me, Monsanto Claus. I landed here on your roof with my chemtrail sleigh to put fluoride in your water & do a false flag | |
| 3098 | + | % | |
| 3099 | + | @g0m: There are 3 kinds of people in this world: people who understand binary, people who don't, and of course Type 3 | |
| 3100 | + | % | |
| 3101 | + | @dogboner: update: i am blocked by the guy in bowling for soup for claiming he died in a murphy bed | |
| 3102 | + | % | |
| 3103 | + | @PajamaBen_: when the doctor puts his stethoscope on you just softly say something nice like "oh hell yeah" to let them know they are doing a good job | |
| 3104 | + | % | |
| 3105 | + | @BevisSimpson: tomato is a fruit... [gaining power] black and white are shades, not colors.. [charges up, goes SSJ] Star Wars is Actually a Western!!!!!!!! | |
| 3106 | + | % | |
| 3107 | + | @animaldrumss: Barber: wow, your hair is really thick. | |
| 3108 | + | Me: thanks, it's actually millions of tiny thinner hairs, it just looks like one piece | |
| 3109 | + | % | |
| 3110 | + | @dwineman: Evolution of music sales: | |
| 3111 | + | 1. Pay a lot | |
| 3112 | + | 2. Pay a little | |
| 3113 | + | 3. Pay anything | |
| 3114 | + | 4. OK fine, just pay once a month | |
| 3115 | + | 5. Fuck you, now you own a U2 album | |
| 3116 | + | % | |
| 3117 | + | @ahuj9: the phone. they made the phone big. like farrell’s hat | |
| 3118 | + | % | |
| 3119 | + | @fart: #DevOps The “www” in urls originally stood for Wild Wild West, as a promotion for the Will Smith film. Everyone just got used to saying it | |
| 3120 | + | % | |
| 3121 | + | @dril: koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast, | |
| 3122 | + | % | |
| 3123 | + | @jazmasta: Joke's on you, guys who drew dicks on my face at the party last night. I have a job interview at the dick face store this morning. | |
| 3124 | + | % | |
| 3125 | + | @tastefactory: Anti-depressants come in three strengths: | |
| 3126 | + | ||
| 3127 | + | - Regular strength | |
| 3128 | + | - Extra strength | |
| 3129 | + | - Furniture store | |
| 3130 | + | % | |
| 3131 | + | @cat_beltane: who can say who is wrong. stalkers posting credible death threats, or a woman who once did a kiss. perhaps the truth somewhere in the middle | |
| 3132 | + | % | |
| 3133 | + | @woodmuffin: yeah, you could say i'm the world's most inept carjacker, but i prefer to think of myself as the world's least convenient parking valet | |
| 3134 | + | % | |
| 3135 | + | @extranapkins: Wait, you're telling me this liquid will make me stupid, uncoordinated, and fat, AND it costs $5 a glass?? Yeah let me get like... 8 of them | |
| 3136 | + | % | |
| 3137 | + | @Fauxgyptian: *makes sexually suggestive reply to attractive Internet woman with thousands of followers* no one else has done this and she will like it | |
| 3138 | + | % | |
| 3139 | + | @boring_as_heck: MICHAELS: The football, of course, is the brown, lemon-shaped object. | |
| 3140 | + | COLLINSWORTH: You know, that's something a lot of people don't realize | |
| 3141 | + | % | |
| 3142 | + | @shrekpissslave: | |
| 3143 | + | ANDREWS: Al, the numbers on the field start at 10, then go up to 50, then back down again | |
| 3144 | + | MICHAELS: Thank you Erin | |
| 3145 | + | % | |
| 3146 | + | @Shanehasabeard: MICHAELS: Kicking the ball often produces unpredictable results due to the oblong shape | |
| 3147 | + | COLLINSWORTH: That's phenomenal | |
| 3148 | + | % | |
| 3149 | + | @tarashoe: hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get | |
| 3150 | + | % | |
| 3151 | + | @SamGrittner: if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel | |
| 3152 | + | % | |
| 3153 | + | @dril: cant wait until work is over so i can stop sitting in front of this monitor and sit in front og the monitor at home which is 3 inches bigger | |
| 3154 | + | % | |
| 3155 | + | @DVSblast: CONGRATS TO EVANESCENCE FOR WINNING AN EMMY FOR THE PART WHERE THEY GO "WAKE ME UP INSIDE" THEN THE DUDE GO "WAKE. ME. UP. INSIDE." | |
| 3156 | + | % | |
| 3157 | + | @TriciaLockwood: I'm blazed out of my mind and watching the muppets and all I can think about is chomping into Fozzie like a huge piece of fried chicken | |
| 3158 | + | % | |
| 3159 | + | @nickmullen: Pool rules. | |
| 3160 | + | 1 just jump on in there! | |
| 3161 | + | Step 2: immediately piss as much as you can | |
| 3162 | + | 3 find the suction jet and put your dick in it | |
| 3163 | + | % | |
| 3164 | + | @DanMentos: "What's the deal with palm trees?" | |
| 3165 | + | What are you doing? | |
| 3166 | + | "You said do tropical humor" | |
| 3167 | + | Topical. I said topical. | |
| 3168 | + | "What's the deal with ointment" | |
| 3169 | + | % | |
| 3170 | + | @dril: i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly | |
| 3171 | + | % | |
| 3172 | + | @fart: i dont like kickstarter because "kicksharter" was my nickname in 4th grade due to an unfortunate even after i got kicked in the jeans | |
| 3173 | + | % | |
| 3174 | + | @animaldrumss: Cashier: anything to drink? | |
| 3175 | + | Me: yeah I'll have a drink at full price [I roll my eyes, get the jug from my bag and go to the soda fountain] | |
| 3176 | + | % | |
| 3177 | + | @BronzeHammer: looking forward to science fiction film RoboCop, which depicts an alternate future in which a highly militarized police force kills at will | |
| 3178 | + | % | |
| 3179 | + | @dril: whats the job where you dress up like a michelin man and get attacked by vicious dogs. anyway thats the thing i spent $800000 at college for | |
| 3180 | + | % | |
| 3181 | + | @GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books? | |
| 3182 | + | ||
| 3183 | + | Yeah, they're in the back. | |
| 3184 | + | ||
| 3185 | + | (long pause) Do you have any that are closer? | |
| 3186 | + | % | |
| 3187 | + | @biorhythmist: Sorry I commented “Nope” under your new baby pic on Facebook | |
| 3188 | + | % | |
| 3189 | + | @BronzeHammer: another day of explaining football to my wife. "why's the guy running with the ball?" hell, i don't know. maybe its his ball. leave me alone | |
| 3190 | + | % | |
| 3191 | + | @sskylark: If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be. | |
| 3192 | + | % | |
| 3193 | + | @wheatretard: Impressive, but your Kung Fu is powerless against just how pathetic I look and sound when I beg people not to hurt me | |
| 3194 | + | % | |
| 3195 | + | @thenatewolf: Long story short, there are a bunch of mice, snakes, mongooses, and hawks in your room. Now we need something that eats hawks. | |
| 3196 | + | % | |
| 3197 | + | @DinkMagic: Me and my friends five hour quest to get our money back from a strong lizard | |
| 3198 | + | % | |
| 3199 | + | @skullmandible: most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns | |
| 3200 | + | % | |
| 3201 | + | @SpiderExpert: The most romantic proposal would be … to get married to them , hide the ring in the cake and propose to them at your wedding … I think | |
| 3202 | + | % | |
| 3203 | + | @animaldrumss: Alright grandma, computer's aaaalmost fixed, I'll just... [runs fingers up and down the keyboard like its a piano] And done. 50 bucks please | |
| 3204 | + | % | |
| 3205 | + | @DefZeppelin69: love is like when you find a movie...on redbox...that has a rotten tomato score...of not that many rotten tomatos... | |
| 3206 | + | % | |
| 3207 | + | @fart: yeah isaac newton was probably the smartest person who ever lived but he doesn't know how to find a 50yo diaper fetishist pooping on youtube | |
| 3208 | + | % | |
| 3209 | + | @boring_as_heck: (tech guy gets sent back to the 1940s) Fellas, let's "disrupt" the Führer. My new app, "Hitlr," sends mean tweets to his official account. | |
| 3210 | + | % | |
| 3211 | + | @scullymike: "521?" "542?" "555?" "573?" "586?" - Levi's brainstorming session | |
| 3212 | + | % | |
| 3213 | + | @Mike_Bianchi: Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME | |
| 3214 | + | % | |
| 3215 | + | @animaldrumss: I just wanted to say that although I didn't know the deceased that well, I feel he would have wanted me to take this bouquet for my house. | |
| 3216 | + | % | |
| 3217 | + | @animaldrumss: A ticket? Maybe former president andrew jackson can change your mind... [in andrew jackson voice] Don't give Mike the ticket, hes a good kid | |
| 3218 | + | % | |
| 3219 | + | @wolfpupy: sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind, just throw a whole bunch of garbage at the wind. my point is fuck the wind | |
| 3220 | + | % | |
| 3221 | + | @ch000ch: *crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say "go dudette" or "no not yet" | |
| 3222 | + | % | |
| 3223 | + | @michaeljhudson: I don't want no Scrubs / Scrubs was a show that debuted on NBC / documenting the comical lives of two best friend guys / named Turk and JD | |
| 3224 | + | % | |
| 3225 | + | @dril: "auuahuhuh" some nerd who wears glasses probably right now | |
| 3226 | + | % | |
| 3227 | + | @animaldrumss: Imagine if they had facebook in the 1800s. [screenshot of 1800s guys posting about what it would be like if they had facebook in the 1600s] | |
| 3228 | + | % | |
| 3229 | + | @animaldrumss: the author doesn't just criticize the wealthy, he also turns his eye on the starving artists. The guy just turns his eye all over the place | |
| 3230 | + | % | |
| 3231 | + | @neonwario: Boys go to Jupiter to get even stupider? Laughable. It seems unlikely. And yet... perfectly in character for someone who's already stupid... | |
| 3232 | + | % | |
| 3233 | + | @animaldrumss: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed | |
| 3234 | + | % | |
| 3235 | + | @animaldrumss: [I return home after ditching family for a failed business venture, hang up my hat] Sorry honey, suuuuuper long line at the cigarette store. | |
| 3236 | + | % | |
| 3237 | + | @extranapkins: JUDGE JUDY: and it says here you tweeted...86 times before txting back your gf | |
| 3238 | + | ME: turn off that fucking camera. Turn off the fucking camera | |
| 3239 | + | % | |
| 3240 | + | @cool_pond: With the 19,789th pick of the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hell [Zone K^22] Bonelords select... Human 9.018b, Pod B, Sector H8.220 Training Facility | |
| 3241 | + | % | |
| 3242 | + | @BevisSimpson: What's my favorite animal? [beginds to grin smugly] Human. Its technically an animal [smug grin] My favorite legume? ....... The Peanut. | |
| 3243 | + | % | |
| 3244 | + | @bIoach: all the songs on ya girl iphone is by "various artists". all her ID3 tags fucked up n she don't even care. she weak | |
| 3245 | + | % | |
| 3246 | + | @mountainlex: What idiot named it twitter and not ok stupid | |
| 3247 | + | % | |
| 3248 | + | @thecatamites: the average human eats 50 horseflies per night even if it means having to drive out to get them. | |
| 3249 | + | % | |
| 3250 | + | @rebeccawatson: "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined | |
| 3251 | + | % | |
| 3252 | + | @extranapkins: Gallant RTs Subway promotional material because he respects their strong social media brand. Goofus RTs Subway ironically | |
| 3253 | + | % | |
| 3254 | + | @DanMentos: Sweet, this webinar has an open bar *gets beer out of fridge* | |
| 3255 | + | % | |
| 3256 | + | @DanMentos: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 7 days since my last-" | |
| 3257 | + | Son, you can't do that in here. | |
| 3258 | + | "It's not smoke it's vapor" | |
| 3259 | + | % | |
| 3260 | + | @swarthyvillain: VINCE: Turtle, that's crazy! I'm sure Jews died in 9/11 | |
| 3261 | + | DRAMA: he's right, baby bro. Google the Black Eagle Trust Fund | |
| 3262 | + | % | |
| 3263 | + | @BuckyIsotope: [at the White House weekly basketball game] | |
| 3264 | + | *Obama sighs* | |
| 3265 | + | We'll take Joe | |
| 3266 | + | *Biden rips off shirt* | |
| 3267 | + | WOO HOO I CALL SKINS | |
| 3268 | + | Joe we have jers- | |
| 3269 | + | SKINS | |
| 3270 | + | % | |
| 3271 | + | @ch000ch: [phone call from jail] hii honey.. dont get mad but remember when you told me not to get arrested tonight and i did the jerkoff motion | |
| 3272 | + | % | |
| 3273 | + | @6thgrade4ever: I wrote a play. the main character is MOM. mom, youll be cast as MOM. 1st act opens with you showing the audience where you hid the nintendo | |
| 3274 | + | % | |
| 3275 | + | @ItsTonyNow: in 2004 i blocked neopets on our company router & the owner, a 50 year old man, got so frustrated he sold the business within six months | |
| 3276 | + | % | |
| 3277 | + | @boring_as_heck: Next, on TLC's Lunchbox Wanters | |
| 3278 | + | ||
| 3279 | + | RON: Back off, Jim. That box is mine. | |
| 3280 | + | ||
| 3281 | + | [CUT TO INTERVIEW] | |
| 3282 | + | ||
| 3283 | + | RON: No way was I letting Jim get that lunchbox. | |
| 3284 | + | % | |
| 3285 | + | @coffinzone: Monarchist. Coder. I do not listen to music made after 1900. RT = I have printed your tweet out and shot it with a rifle | |
| 3286 | + | % | |
| 3287 | + | @Hermit_Thrush: [in hipster voice] i would never sit down for fast food but if its served from a movable truck, ill travel to the truck's location go eat it | |
| 3288 | + | % | |
| 3289 | + | @meganamram: I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it | |
| 3290 | + | % | |
| 3291 | + | @g0m: person: hey g0m, [anything. literally anything. It doesn't matter] | |
| 3292 | + | me: Live like a racecar, die like a rocket. | |
| 3293 | + | person: That's fucking cool | |
| 3294 | + | % | |
| 3295 | + | @boring_as_heck: [dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit | |
| 3296 | + | % | |
| 3297 | + | @meganamram: Sorry officer but if weed is legal in Amsterdam I'm pretty sure it's also legal under this putt-putt windmill | |
| 3298 | + | % | |
| 3299 | + | @mattytalks: Sir, Memorial Day supports the troops but not even the troops will get the support offered to you by this sleep number bed | |
| 3300 | + | % | |
| 3301 | + | @dril: if youre that guy who emailed me last month asking to be my "intern" come forward so me & my rich friends can smack tennis balls at your ass | |
| 3302 | + | % | |
| 3303 | + | @nice_mustard: america, my new mission is to see ALL of the boobs "joe idk-" hold on barack. i'm calling it Manifest Breastiny "dammit that's pretty good" | |
| 3304 | + | % | |
| 3305 | + | @sskylark: i love how people make fun of the holocaust then when you ask them how they would solve the jewish problem they're like uhhh | |
| 3306 | + | % | |
| 3307 | + | @scrublord: Is this real life / Is this just fantasy / Caught in a landslide / No escape from Benghazi | |
| 3308 | + | % | |
| 3309 | + | @neonwario: i love to cite irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce | |
| 3310 | + | % | |
| 3311 | + | @robwhisman: think you've got it rough? watch a little film called hotel rwanda. don cheadle had to be on set at like 5 am to film some of those scenes | |
| 3312 | + | % | |
| 3313 | + | @dubstep4dads: mom. yea get in here. ok heres my phone, take the picture right as i exhale the weed smoke. this is gonna be so rad lol | |
| 3314 | + | % | |
| 3315 | + | @dubstep4dads: can i get 30 cocktail umbrellas? | |
| 3316 | + | "sure. havin a party eh?" | |
| 3317 | + | haha.. yeah..party.. | |
| 3318 | + | *montage of 30 mice flying around my livingroom w/ parasols* | |
| 3319 | + | % | |
| 3320 | + | @ConorTripler: u ever think ab how easy it was for the thomas the tank engine characters to eat ass | |
| 3321 | + | % | |
| 3322 | + | @bjnovak: This Mother's Day, give your mother the gift of broadcasting your love for her on a social media platform she doesn't understand. | |
| 3323 | + | % | |
| 3324 | + | @BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5 | |
| 3325 | + | % | |
| 3326 | + | @Mobute: Michael Sam's liking to kiss dudes will tar the noble tradition of minorities giving themselves brain damage for the profit of billionaires. | |
| 3327 | + | % | |
| 3328 | + | @aDavidP: "The lyrics are 'we'll NEVER be royals.'" | |
| 3329 | + | ||
| 3330 | + | "Yeah but: ROYALS." | |
| 3331 | + | ||
| 3332 | + | "..." | |
| 3333 | + | ||
| 3334 | + | *Kansas City Royals illogically use song in stadium for eternity* | |
| 3335 | + | % | |
| 3336 | + | @ahuj9: “What’s my favorite amendment, you ask?” I repeat as I lean back in my gun chair, knocking over racks of guns like dominoes. | |
| 3337 | + | % | |
| 3338 | + | @Cheesegod69: If you punch a redditor a bunch of bitcoins fly out like when Sonic loses his rings | |
| 3339 | + | % | |
| 3340 | + | @themiltron: *whombastank | |
| 3341 | + | % | |
| 3342 | + | @unsuiii: (banging on car window of girl in parking lot putting on makeup); you don't need that. You're beautiful naturally. (Trying to open door) | |
| 3343 | + | % | |
| 3344 | + | @HouseBudgets: WIFE: I have a blog about boogie and Chinese food | |
| 3345 | + | HUSBAND: And I sell pajamas for llamas | |
| 3346 | + | WIFE: Our budget is $430K | |
| 3347 | + | % | |
| 3348 | + | @HouseBudgets: HIM: I launched a Kickstarter for smart lowboys | |
| 3349 | + | HER: And I saw a chinchilla yesterday | |
| 3350 | + | HIM: Our budget is $780K | |
| 3351 | + | % | |
| 3352 | + | @KrangTNelson: AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online | |
| 3353 | + | ||
| 3354 | + | AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen | |
| 3355 | + | % | |
| 3356 | + | @doctorveritas: [Jeremy Corbyn comes on stage visibly stoned] | |
| 3357 | + | CORBYN: Hello. | |
| 3358 | + | [30 second silence] | |
| 3359 | + | CORBYN: My name is Jeremy Corbyn. | |
| 3360 | + | % | |
| 3361 | + | @onlxn: fake American cities I'd joke about if I were British: | |
| 3362 | + | - Hamburgerville | |
| 3363 | + | - San Leopoldo | |
| 3364 | + | - Jerropolis | |
| 3365 | + | - Bumber | |
| 3366 | + | % | |
| 3367 | + | @dril: (trying to apologize for sending dick to 900 girls) you see the phones have a front & back camera. so taking pictures is really complicated, | |
| 3368 | + | % | |
| 3369 | + | @backhoe_mix: you, not on twitter, experiencing the world at a normal rate: did you hear about -- | |
| 3370 | + | me: last week is as distant to me as the burning of Rome | |
| 3371 | + | % | |
| 3372 | + | @huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends | |
| 3373 | + | ME: ok wow, that's a- | |
| 3374 | + | Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them | |
| 3375 | + | % | |
| 3376 | + | @AnnDabromowitz: I find it kind of funny | |
| 3377 | + | I find it kind of sad | |
| 3378 | + | The dreams in which I'm dying | |
| 3379 | + | Hello Dying my name's Dad | |
| 3380 | + | % | |
| 3381 | + | @InternetHippo: [as my congressman is strangling me] I like that he’s a businessman, | |
| 3382 | + | % | |
| 3383 | + | @jephjacques: Child: do you remember when Trump touched the Orb? | |
| 3384 | + | ||
| 3385 | + | Me: Yes. None of us realized what it would- | |
| 3386 | + | ||
| 3387 | + | Orb Police: HAIL ORB | |
| 3388 | + | ||
| 3389 | + | Me & child: hail orb | |
| 3390 | + | % | |
| 3391 | + | @dril: my new shit: "Burger king = mc donalds" | |
| 3392 | + | ||
| 3393 | + | Please let me know what you think of my new shit, and provide suggestions on how I can improve it. | |
| 3394 | + | % | |
| 3395 | + | @dril: Sword's. The only blade known to man | |
| 3396 | + | % | |
| 3397 | + | @eedrk: Me in Hell: i *like* this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atually | |
| 3398 | + | Satan [exasperated]: this guy is owning me! this guy is owning all of hell!! | |
| 3399 | + | % | |
| 3400 | + | @flashember: You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous | |
| 3401 | + | ||
| 3402 | + | Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby | |
| 3403 | + | % | |
| 3404 | + | @JimmyJazz1968: ME IN 2016: I have principled objections to Hillary Clinton | |
| 3405 | + | ME IN 2017: I guess it's OK if The Rock was president | |
| 3406 | + | % | |
| 3407 | + | @mammothfactory: Welcome to CrimeTown, the podcast about a town of crime | |
| 3408 | + | [twenty hours & 50 Blue Apron ads later] | |
| 3409 | + | In conclusion crime is a land of contrasts | |
| 3410 | + | % | |
| 3411 | + | @PulpPit: 2009: Why join Twitter, it's just posts about lunch. | |
| 3412 | + | 2017: I am addicted to an app that shows me the opinions of the worst idiots alive. | |
| 3413 | + | % | |
| 3414 | + | @bobvulfov: [concert] | |
| 3415 | + | SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight | |
| 3416 | + | CROWD: woo | |
| 3417 | + | ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months | |
| 3418 | + | % | |
| 3419 | + | @mikefossey: OK first of all I'm not homo phobic. many of my most pedophilic uncles are gay | |
| 3420 | + | % | |
| 3421 | + | @kathbarbadoro: I broke a lot of hearts this weekend when I explained to a group of people that Arby's just means "roast beef" (RB) and isn't a guy's name | |
| 3422 | + | % | |
| 3423 | + | @FoodNetwerk: Need to whip up a dessert in a hurry? Dump a bag of oreos on the floor and eat the oreos off of the floor like a animal you piece of shit | |
| 3424 | + | % | |
| 3425 | + | @sincir3000: Is it bitchass, bitch-ass or bitch ass? I want this letter to my congressman to be perfect | |
| 3426 | + | % | |
| 3427 | + | @historyinflicks: Funny that you oppose socialism yet use a public library to look at porn & then get arrested for indecent exposure by publicly-funded police | |
| 3428 | + | % | |
| 3429 | + | @leyawn: SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— | |
| 3430 | + | DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates | |
| 3431 | + | % | |
| 3432 | + | @dril: much of bliged | |
| 3433 | + | % | |
| 3434 | + | @Bro_Pair: age 20: I'm easily going to drink every Bud Light Lime in a 30 rack to prove a point | |
| 3435 | + | ||
| 3436 | + | age 29: can movie theater popcorn make your bones hurt | |
| 3437 | + | % | |
| 3438 | + | @dril: Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl) | |
| 3439 | + | % | |
| 3440 | + | @unsuiii: Beautiful Tavern Girl telling her Moby Dick crew husband goodbye: Come home safe my love, do NOT fuck that whale you hear me? don't you dare | |
| 3441 | + | % | |
| 3442 | + | @parsfarce: boss: goin out tonite mate? | |
| 3443 | + | ||
| 3444 | + | me: nah few quiet ones | |
| 3445 | + | ||
| 3446 | + | [boss receives text at 5am] | |
| 3447 | + | ||
| 3448 | + | cqnt coome in yoqmorrow sick srry | |
| 3449 | + | % | |
| 3450 | + | @jackhaveitall: me in 5th grade: if i can go on the computer today thatd be neat | |
| 3451 | + | ||
| 3452 | + | me now: if im not scrolling twitter while i brush my teeth im going to die | |
| 3453 | + | % | |
| 3454 | + | @dril: (girl tells me shes sick) aahh that sucks so much. you can come over & have some of my mens one a day vitamins. probably works on girls too, | |
| 3455 | + | % | |
| 3456 | + | @robotrowboat: [spilling out of my top at Red Lobster] | |
| 3457 | + | Me: [to manager cutting me off from shrimp at Shrimpfest] No you’re a disgrace | |
| 3458 | + | % | |
| 3459 | + | @dril: fellas... you know i dont ask for much... but my fake US embassy in Ghana just got shut down and i dont know if i can make rent next month, | |
| 3460 | + | % | |
| 3461 | + | @FernieCommaAlex: All white dudes like 1, possibly 2, but never 3 of the following: Donald Trump, Run The Jewels, Alan Alda. | |
| 3462 | + | % | |
| 3463 | + | @Jarrettjack03: Yo I couldn't imagine this many women being mad at me at one time | |
| 3464 | + | % | |
| 3465 | + | @PFTCommenter: Jack Del Rio name literaly means "masterbate into a river" | |
| 3466 | + | % | |
| 3467 | + | @dril: between the gun & the blade.. throwing knives are the "Best of both worlds" when it comes to eliminating thousands of home intruders at once | |
| 3468 | + | % | |
| 3469 | + | @mikefossey: It's crazy that people pay to be trapped in a room. Like I'd pay a couple bucks NOT to be trapped in there but luckily it's already free | |
| 3470 | + | % | |
| 3471 | + | @robwhisman: if youre mad the gym is crowded now you know how we feel when we are trying to get a beer and youre at the bar just because its may 5th | |
| 3472 | + | % | |
| 3473 | + | @mikefossey: (I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going | |
| 3474 | + | % | |
| 3475 | + | @Ethan_Booker: LeBron unwrapping a Christmas present from his aunt. He sighs when he sees it's another basketball. "I know you love those," she smiles. | |
| 3476 | + | % | |
| 3477 | + | @Peckerdude: @zune I take my zune everywhere i go, it is my life. i even take it to work. I love my zune more than my computer | |
| 3478 | + | % | |
| 3479 | + | @vineyille: [CompUSA, 2001] | |
| 3480 | + | Me: How many Korn songs can I fit on this "iPod"? | |
| 3481 | + | Clerk: All of them. | |
| 3482 | + | I sit in an office chair and promptly fall out of it | |
| 3483 | + | % | |
| 3484 | + | @shutupmikeginn: Its that wonderful season where I call Target to ask if their world map shower curtains acknowledge Israel & get mad no matter what they say | |
| 3485 | + | % | |
| 3486 | + | @trillballins: Mike & Mike power rankings (Dec 16) | |
| 3487 | + | 1) Mike | |
| 3488 | + | 2) Mike | |
| 3489 | + | % | |
| 3490 | + | @mikefossey: Frankfurter is short for Francis Further | |
| 3491 | + | % | |
| 3492 | + | @missokistic: *wakes up and looks at phone* | |
| 3493 | + | ah let's see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device | |
| 3494 | + | % | |
| 3495 | + | @ConnorFinnegan: I'm here to kick ass and botch the punch line | |
| 3496 | + | ||
| 3497 | + | And boy are my arms tired | |
| 3498 | + | % | |
| 3499 | + | @fart: i still remember the office i would walk by with a whiteboard inside that had only the word "APPS" on it, circled. those guys are rich now | |
| 3500 | + | % | |
| 3501 | + | @fart: trump: im literally going to murder people and it will be good | |
| 3502 | + | dnc: ol' out-of-touch bernie is man spreading again. download the emoji app | |
| 3503 | + | % | |
| 3504 | + | @fart: trump: it will be illegal to be muslim or black or gay | |
| 3505 | + | dnc: watch this clip of the bazinga guy saying donald trump is like voldemort | |
| 3506 | + | % | |
| 3507 | + | @Arr: Wallace and Gromit is the world's oldest story: a stupid fucking idiot piece of shit and his long-suffering dog | |
| 3508 | + | % | |
| 3509 | + | @obleadearequipe: me: wow this sandwich is great | |
| 3510 | + | ||
| 3511 | + | person who studied abroad in Europe 30 years ago: not as great as the one i had in Barthelona .... | |
| 3512 | + | % | |
| 3513 | + | @boring_as_heck: TRUMP'S IDEA OF LOCKER ROOM TALK: I love sex crimes. | |
| 3514 | + | ACTUAL LOCKER ROOM TALK: Jesus, that old man is using the hand dryer on his asshole. | |
| 3515 | + | % | |
| 3516 | + | @willrahn: BUSH COMPOUND, DECEMBER 2015 — | |
| 3517 | + | ||
| 3518 | + | JEB: We must stop Trump. Any ideas? | |
| 3519 | + | ||
| 3520 | + | GWB: Nope | |
| 3521 | + | ||
| 3522 | + | GHWB: Sorry no | |
| 3523 | + | ||
| 3524 | + | BILLY: Nope, no idea, nothing, zilch, zero | |
| 3525 | + | % | |
| 3526 | + | @PFTCommenter: In fairness to Trump most women woudnt be able to even notice a grab from such tiny hands. Just feel kindve like a spider bite or whatever | |
| 3527 | + | % | |
| 3528 | + | @billbarnwell: Crowds are weird. They cheer a fan running on the field and boo if he gets caught UNLESS he gets physically harmed, in which case they cheer | |
| 3529 | + | % | |
| 3530 | + | @dril: ME: there is a new type of beer called "Wine" | |
| 3531 | + | shirtless guy witht 104 followers: Shut the fuck up | |
| 3532 | + | ME: Yes sir | |
| 3533 | + | % | |
| 3534 | + | @adultblackmale: [shines a laser pointer directly in the pilots eyes as im getting off my flight] planes not in motion its not illegal you cant do shit bitch | |
| 3535 | + | % | |
| 3536 | + | @elijahdaniel: watched a girl take a 'broken, do not use" sign off Whole Foods sliding door, take a pic w it over her heart, then walk into the broken door | |
| 3537 | + | % | |
| 3538 | + | @i_zzzzzz: [Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy | |
| 3539 | + | % | |
| 3540 | + | @drewtoothpaste: Told my kid hamsters only understand Jamaican patois and one of them died and now shes yellin WHY YOU NAH WAKE UP LIKKLE BWOY | |
| 3541 | + | % | |
| 3542 | + | @dril: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool's Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!! | |
| 3543 | + | % | |
| 3544 | + | @netw3rk: Trump: Savage dark-skinned illegals, roaming the streets in search of murder and mayhem | |
| 3545 | + | ||
| 3546 | + | Fallon: What? WHAT? Haha, wow! | |
| 3547 | + | % | |
| 3548 | + | @plopadop: misscutie247: if i was there rite now would u make me some chicken | |
| 3549 | + | GodOfKFC: ya | |
| 3550 | + | misscutie247: is that ALL u would do? ;) | |
| 3551 | + | GodOfKFC: ya | |
| 3552 | + | % | |
| 3553 | + | @mattytalks: Apple: Remember the free headphones that worked great, what if I told you we had ones that only work for 5 hrs and cost 160 bucks | |
| 3554 | + | ||
| 3555 | + | Me: go on | |
| 3556 | + | % | |
| 3557 | + | @electrolemon: Wahlberg places the Lone Survivor DVD and steps back, eyeing his altar. Two Guns. Three Kings. Four Brothers. The ritual is almost complete. | |
| 3558 | + | % | |
| 3559 | + | @onlxn: TRUMP: "Weiner mess proves Team Hillary bunch of pervs! Meanwhile I have raped 0-3 women, the lowest possible range. Wise up skirts: TRUMP!" | |
| 3560 | + | % | |
| 3561 | + | @jessesingal: What if Anthony wins her back with an incredibly long and thoughtful stream of dick pics | |
| 3562 | + | % | |
| 3563 | + | @KenTremendous: Emperor Palpatine: Give in to the Dark Side. | |
| 3564 | + | Luke: Never! | |
| 3565 | + | @AP: Debate Over Force Arises During Meeting in Large Space Station | |
| 3566 | + | % | |
| 3567 | + | @KenTremendous: Marie Antoinette: Let them eat cake | |
| 3568 | + | People of France: That seems callous | |
| 3569 | + | @AP: Everyone Has Equally Valid Points Regarding Food Distribution | |
| 3570 | + | % | |
| 3571 | + | @dril: frowning while the entire waitstaff of California pizza kitchen sings "happy birthday" to me, looking like a lump of shit in a neckbrace | |
| 3572 | + | % | |
| 3573 | + | @vyzdoravlivay: The Lord: *giveth* | |
| 3574 | + | me: nice | |
| 3575 | + | The Lord: *taketh away* | |
| 3576 | + | me: wtf | |
| 3577 | + | % | |
| 3578 | + | @electrolemon: WERNER HERZOG: i weep for the creature. his icy hell, a tale of sisyphean addiction | |
| 3579 | + | ME: his name is scrat | |
| 3580 | + | WH: we are all the squirrel scrat | |
| 3581 | + | % | |
| 3582 | + | @BAKKOOONN: i will confess that as a child a lot of the double dare obstacles made me very anxious | |
| 3583 | + | % | |
| 3584 | + | @leyawn: *giant meteor hurtling towards earth* If we destroy it, we are no better than the meteor itself. let's hear what the meteor has to say | |
| 3585 | + | % | |
| 3586 | + | @alejandroid: how come we drive on the parkway and i got beat up at safeway | |
| 3587 | + | % | |
| 3588 | + | @aedwardslevy: THE YEAR 1952 | |
| 3589 | + | eisenhower: this is my dwight song | |
| 3590 | + | nixon: no | |
| 3591 | + | eisenhower: my i like ike song | |
| 3592 | + | % | |
| 3593 | + | @dril: girls always love to telling people not to" Mansplain" | |
| 3594 | + | but they do not care of, "Man's Pain" | |
| 3595 | + | % | |
| 3596 | + | @randygdub: trump at rnc: the rivers of blood are only the beginning | |
| 3597 | + | hillary at dnc: ghostbusters was [squinting at teleprompter] on fleek? | |
| 3598 | + | % | |
| 3599 | + | @CornOnTheGoblin: [hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open | |
| 3600 | + | % | |
| 3601 | + | @adultblackmale: interviewer: why do you want this job? | |
| 3602 | + | me: i need money to live | |
| 3603 | + | interviewer: hmm, not a good attitude | |
| 3604 | + | me, overly cheerful: i neeed moneeey t | |
| 3605 | + | % | |
| 3606 | + | @BronzeHammer: if your dad ever does the classic bit of putting the stud finder on himself and saying "beep", please laugh at it. its all some of us have | |
| 3607 | + | % | |
| 3608 | + | @gilbertjasono: HILLARY: I hope you Pika-choose me this November! | |
| 3609 | + | TRUMP: Slobodan Milosevic had some smart ideas | |
| 3610 | + | TWITTER: Damn, these two are equally bad | |
| 3611 | + | % | |
| 3612 | + | @McLeemz: HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me "fire" up the economy | |
| 3613 | + | TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal | |
| 3614 | + | % | |
| 3615 | + | @i_zzzzzz: AIDE: [angrily tossing flashcards aside] No -- that frog sips tea. This frog rides a unicycle. For fuck's sake | |
| 3616 | + | HILLARY: Sorry. Sorry. I know | |
| 3617 | + | % | |
| 3618 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: I Lost my wife. My job. My children. Now "Body shaming clapbacks" are only things that can bring me joy anymore | |
| 3619 | + | % | |
| 3620 | + | @jimmytorosian: [God creating platypuses] | |
| 3621 | + | God: This is my best work. Yes, Karen I am high, but that has nothing to do with it. This is perfect. Send it out. | |
| 3622 | + | % | |
| 3623 | + | @ch000ch: firing squad guy: any last words | |
| 3624 | + | me: i wasn't really a fan of The Wire tbh | |
| 3625 | + | (one guy fires his rifle at me before the signal) | |
| 3626 | + | % | |
| 3627 | + | @dril: going to start asking "What do you Think?" at the end of each post, to help stimulate discourse and reap the substantial benefits of Social. | |
| 3628 | + | % | |
| 3629 | + | @dril: i refuse to consume any product that has been created by, or is claimed to have been created by, the (((Keebler Elves))) | |
| 3630 | + | % | |
| 3631 | + | @fart: there is a law that every vlog has to start with "hey guys, sorry i haven't posted a video in a while" | |
| 3632 | + | % | |
| 3633 | + | @6thgrade4ever: love when newspapers fact check trump speeches. its like using a roomba on a beach | |
| 3634 | + | % | |
| 3635 | + | @JoeMande: tonight proved once and for all that LeBron is better than Steph, Nike is better than Under Armour, & Comic Sans is better than Copperplate | |
| 3636 | + | % | |
| 3637 | + | @dril: im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm | |
| 3638 | + | % | |
| 3639 | + | @dril: ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it | |
| 3640 | + | % | |
| 3641 | + | @dogboner: me: a rip. a rap. a hamilton brrrap (i start beat boxing and fucking spitting all over my shirt) | |
| 3642 | + | everyone in america: this is insanely good | |
| 3643 | + | % | |
| 3644 | + | @fart: hey ive been meaning to tell you that your parody account is really funny. it's good. everyone loves it. good job | |
| 3645 | + | % | |
| 3646 | + | @ranjit: Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question. | |
| 3647 | + | % | |
| 3648 | + | @Merman_Melville: Crazy how you can say you're "pissed off" on some TV shows but you can't say "piss on me" or "hail Piss God" or "replace my blood with piss" | |
| 3649 | + | % | |
| 3650 | + | @ByYourLogic: Muhammad Ali was an outspoken anti imperialist who invented the tactic of getting a guy tired and mad so you can beat his ass | |
| 3651 | + | % | |
| 3652 | + | @dril: user named " beavis_sinatra " has been terrorizing me since 2004, by sending me pictures of cups that are too close to the edge of the table | |
| 3653 | + | % | |
| 3654 | + | @g0m: Me: When I play a game I like to be engaged in the world and consider my options carefully | |
| 3655 | + | You: The goomba blocks my path. I must destroy it | |
| 3656 | + | % | |
| 3657 | + | @fart: im becoming extremely wise..brain huge..reaching a new level of intelligence.. i will now say "Please provide a Source for this claim" a lot | |
| 3658 | + | % | |
| 3659 | + | @fart: brain.. growing in complexity every moment.. neurons firing at incredible speed... pleas Upvote this pic of my computer which i call a "rig" | |
| 3660 | + | % | |
| 3661 | + | @dril: the $100000 pyramid is actually fairly fucking cheap for a pyramid | |
| 3662 | + | % | |
| 3663 | + | @ahoybailey: "This generation can't take a joke" | |
| 3664 | + | ||
| 3665 | + | Our entire generation laughs at fucking internet memes all day long we just don't like racist jokes | |
| 3666 | + | % | |
| 3667 | + | @fart: gotta give it up for adults who play those complicated ass board games. you know about sex and alcohol but you choose to do that shit | |
| 3668 | + | % | |
| 3669 | + | @DanMentos: John: we need a new word for foolishness | |
| 3670 | + | Tom: How about johnfoolery lol | |
| 3671 | + | John: Ok that's definitely what I'm writing down | |
| 3672 | + | % | |
| 3673 | + | @dril: ill never rinse my farm fresh vegetables. its the responsibility of the greengrocer to rinse my God damn food and if i get poisoned so be it | |
| 3674 | + | % | |
| 3675 | + | @KatyYeiser: i like it on tv shows when the detective is like 'how we doing over here' and the cop is like 'better than this guy' because the guy is dead | |
| 3676 | + | % | |
| 3677 | + | @KenTremendous: 1. Nervous | |
| 3678 | + | 2. Excited | |
| 3679 | + | 3. Nervous *and* excited | |
| 3680 | + | ||
| 3681 | + | (The three possible states of existence for Bachelor contestants) | |
| 3682 | + | % | |
| 3683 | + | @rad_milk: PAT SAJAK: ok final round. category is "Author of Goosebumps" i'll give you the letters RSTLNE | |
| 3684 | + | [RL ST_NE] | |
| 3685 | + | ME: no idea. reading is for nerds | |
| 3686 | + | % | |
| 3687 | + | @BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5 | |
| 3688 | + | % | |
| 3689 | + | @Bosko_DePompo: Viking warrior ancestor appears in ghostly form: "You're eating yogurt from a tube and all your son talks about is Minecraft." | |
| 3690 | + | % | |
| 3691 | + | @GroverNorquist: None of the candidates mentioned the Obama/Democrat war on Vaping and the 10million Americans who cape. | |
| 3692 | + | Missed opportunity. | |
| 3693 | + | % | |
| 3694 | + | @neonwario: I love dearths and paucities | |
| 3695 | + | % | |
| 3696 | + | @Mejwell: you may joke but Scalia's dissent about having to take words literally regardless of context is also the plot to the beloved movie Air Bud | |
| 3697 | + | % | |
| 3698 | + | @drewtoothpaste: I once asked some programmers if they'd used the youtube API and they said "The Youtube Ape" at me for 2 months & didn't answer my question | |
| 3699 | + | % | |
| 3700 | + | @boring_as_heck: SIMMS: Jim, in my opinion, the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year. | |
| 3701 | + | % | |
| 3702 | + | @Merman_Melville: *returning Pet Sounds to the record store* I was expecting something different | |
| 3703 | + | % | |
| 3704 | + | @eedrk: to all those people that said i would never be successful: how did u accurately predict the future. please use your powers to help me | |
| 3705 | + | % | |
| 3706 | + | @eedrk: family is cool it's like having boring friends who are always mad at you | |
| 3707 | + | % | |
| 3708 | + | @eedrk: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is | |
| 3709 | + | % | |
| 3710 | + | @eedrk: [struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake] | |
| 3711 | + | % | |
| 3712 | + | @Bro_Pair: mom included a note in my lunch saying "I love you little man!" | |
| 3713 | + | ||
| 3714 | + | dad also included a note saying "I fucked your mom two nights ago" | |
| 3715 | + | % | |
| 3716 | + | @neonwario: Using a base-10 number system is rational, as 10 is the first two digit integer | |
| 3717 | + | % | |
| 3718 | + | @TheAnimePolice: no i dont want to do an archery contest robin hood, you win every time its not even fun. you win by a whole lot every time. | |
| 3719 | + | % | |
| 3720 | + | @murrman5: [wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] | |
| 3721 | + | "why isn't he wearing a shirt" | |
| 3722 | + | we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote | |
| 3723 | + | % | |
| 3724 | + | @tree_bro: I strive to be like the ant, noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me | |
| 3725 | + | % | |
| 3726 | + | @leyawn: DAWKINS: Impossible. My nose is still firmly attached to my head. You do not have my nose. You will never get my nose | |
| 3727 | + | % | |
| 3728 | + | @kalebhorton: Show Idea: I sit down with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, throw on Armageddon, and just keep going "wow, I bet all of this is true." | |
| 3729 | + | % | |
| 3730 | + | @shutupmikeginn: barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented | |
| 3731 | + | % | |
| 3732 | + | @dubstep4dads: TWITTER: donald trump is a horrible person | |
| 3733 | + | ||
| 3734 | + | FACEBOOK: i like donald trump because im racist | |
| 3735 | + | ||
| 3736 | + | TUMBLR: bernie sanders choke me daddy | |
| 3737 | + | % | |
| 3738 | + | @thomas_violence: ricky gervais: i'd bloody shag the queen | |
| 3739 | + | me: thats weird | |
| 3740 | + | ricky gervais: oh you're offended? are you offended??? have i offended you???????? | |
| 3741 | + | % | |
| 3742 | + | @SheaSerrano: the only NFL player position i'd ever be successful at's the guy who's in charge of telling the kick returner not to run it out the end zone | |
| 3743 | + | % | |
| 3744 | + | @bathroom: welcome to the bathroom | |
| 3745 | + | % | |
| 3746 | + | @pattymo: 2004: | |
| 3747 | + | DEAN: BYAHHHHH | |
| 3748 | + | PUBLIC: Whoa this guy's nuts | |
| 3749 | + | ||
| 3750 | + | 2016: | |
| 3751 | + | TRUMP: Say what you want about Hitler, but the man was organized | |
| 3752 | + | PUBLIC: Carry on | |
| 3753 | + | % | |
| 3754 | + | @rad_milk: *comments "This." when sharing a link* | |
| 3755 | + | % | |
| 3756 | + | @fart: if someone says they have swimmer's ear a good gag is to say "well you better give it back!!!!" people love it | |
| 3757 | + | % | |
| 3758 | + | @kibblesmith: Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others. | |
| 3759 | + | % | |
| 3760 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: Its time for us to have a national conversation to end the stigma around being, a mental retard | |
| 3761 | + | % | |
| 3762 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: I love to reap all the benefits of living in a society | |
| 3763 | + | % | |
| 3764 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: I love to be declared dead upon arrival | |
| 3765 | + | % | |
| 3766 | + | @HelloCullen: My sex style is best described by my favorite grammar guide: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves | |
| 3767 | + | % | |
| 3768 | + | @moonpolysoft: dyson is ron popeil with better marketing | |
| 3769 | + | % | |
| 3770 | + | @ColdmanHot: [Christmas] | |
| 3771 | + | ||
| 3772 | + | "NO-ONE is opening their presents until we start using their proper name! Sarah stop crying" | |
| 3773 | + | ||
| 3774 | + | "They're not "jifts" Dad" | |
| 3775 | + | % | |
| 3776 | + | @boring_as_heck: What's that Walking Dead show about? People on their damn smartphones? Listen folks, I don't want to go on a rant here, but I think (1/46) | |
| 3777 | + | % | |
| 3778 | + | @DrShenanigans: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Lightsabers would never work in real life. They certainly wouldn’t make the lightsaber noise! | |
| 3779 | + | ||
| 3780 | + | ME, IMPRESSED: Wow | |
| 3781 | + | % | |
| 3782 | + | @bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis | |
| 3783 | + | % | |
| 3784 | + | @dril: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin | |
| 3785 | + | % | |
| 3786 | + | @bedbugs99: Wife just saw Star Wars w/ her trainer Lucius and REFUSES to spoil plot to me💕 TY babe. I'll see it when I have time (5hrs, wow! Long film.) | |
| 3787 | + | % | |
| 3788 | + | @neckbread: "can someone explain this like i'm 5, please" | |
| 3789 | + | ||
| 3790 | + | sure: you're 5, this doesn't concern you. go poop your pants some more | |
| 3791 | + | % | |
| 3792 | + | @jdcrowley: uhhh, technically the plural is actually "Stars War" [pushes glasses so hard up my nose they shatter] | |
| 3793 | + | % | |
| 3794 | + | @HelloCullen: "No let's actually do it" -the guy who named the Cherry Poppin' Daddies | |
| 3795 | + | % | |
| 3796 | + | @pr0spector88: [runs into fefo at star bucks & she name drops another weird tweeter] Lol yea there hillarious (now under breath) shut the fucj up.. | |
| 3797 | + | % | |
| 3798 | + | @ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner. | |
| 3799 | + | % | |
| 3800 | + | @dril: (in worst human voice possible) folks rmember to click that fuckin like & subscribe button and leave a comment below in the fuckin box there | |
| 3801 | + | % | |
| 3802 | + | @fart: i bet Slash has a lot of trouble trying to tell people how to get to his website | |
| 3803 | + | % | |
| 3804 | + | @brendohare: [in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys | |
| 3805 | + | % | |
| 3806 | + | @Lubchansky: *george lucas sits down* | |
| 3807 | + | now to create characters, in space. an infinite canvas | |
| 3808 | + | *hours pass* | |
| 3809 | + | what if they were racial stereotypes from earth | |
| 3810 | + | % | |
| 3811 | + | @markpopham: "Werner! It's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Herzo-" | |
| 3812 | + | ||
| 3813 | + | HERZOG: The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man. | |
| 3814 | + | % | |
| 3815 | + | @pixelatedboat: 11.45: Arrived at crime scene | |
| 3816 | + | 11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle | |
| 3817 | + | 11.45: Found murder weapon in drain | |
| 3818 | + | 11.45: Realised watch was broken | |
| 3819 | + | % | |
| 3820 | + | @fart: if your name is Doug you probably have a phase where people call you "Dirty Doug" then you try to walk it back in your 30s with "Nice Doug" | |
| 3821 | + | % | |
| 3822 | + | @degg: my bra doesnt match my diaper... fuck it who cares its the weekend | |
| 3823 | + | % | |
| 3824 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: Do you, ☾woke lil cranberry mami ☾, take ✨FKA wifi angel✨ to be your lawfully wedded bride. You may kiss the ceremonial pink Nikes | |
| 3825 | + | % | |
| 3826 | + | @decentbirthday: *olive garden* | |
| 3827 | + | me(to waiter): I'll take "olive" the breadsticks you have | |
| 3828 | + | *leans over to family next to me* | |
| 3829 | + | me: i'm a pretty popular guy here | |
| 3830 | + | % | |
| 3831 | + | @dril: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town | |
| 3832 | + | % | |
| 3833 | + | @dril: it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again | |
| 3834 | + | % | |
| 3835 | + | @ahuj9: @ahuj9 Carlsbad Caverns are adjacent to the Brokeoff Mountains, formerly known as the Actually Carlsgood Mountains | |
| 3836 | + | % | |
| 3837 | + | @OtherDanOBrien: DOG OWNER: Who's a good boy! | |
| 3838 | + | [dog wags tail excitedly] | |
| 3839 | + | DOG OWNER: You are! Yes you are | |
| 3840 | + | [I emerge from the bushes] I am also a good boy | |
| 3841 | + | % | |
| 3842 | + | @markleidner: God grant me the money to accept the things I cannot change, the money to change the things I can, and the money to know the difference | |
| 3843 | + | % | |
| 3844 | + | @GayRodney: I'm on Grindr to make jokes, I'm on Twitter to find a job, and I'm on LinkedIn to fuck | |
| 3845 | + | % | |
| 3846 | + | @DaveKingThing: let the record show: on the same day they shut down Grantland, espn devoted 45 seconds of air time to a skateboarding dog. | |
| 3847 | + | % | |
| 3848 | + | @BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life | |
| 3849 | + | % | |
| 3850 | + | @dril: and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. "egg_dad_ebooks" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium* | |
| 3851 | + | % | |
| 3852 | + | @buttsword: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness? | |
| 3853 | + | me: im vague | |
| 3854 | + | interviewer: can u elaborate? | |
| 3855 | + | me: yeah | |
| 3856 | + | % | |
| 3857 | + | @TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?" | |
| 3858 | + | I have to check with the Mrs! | |
| 3859 | + | [unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply] | |
| 3860 | + | No sorry I have plans | |
| 3861 | + | % | |
| 3862 | + | @Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3 | |
| 3863 | + | % | |
| 3864 | + | @bobby: 👨🏻 guys, i need to get something off my chest. in 2004 i was driving drunk and ran over a wonan with my truck. not a day goes by that i don't think about her. i'll never forgive myself. | |
| 3865 | + | ||
| 3866 | + | 🤠 wonan | |
| 3867 | + | ||
| 3868 | + | 🐵 did this mf just say wonan | |
| 3869 | + | ||
| 3870 | + | ⠀⠀⠀⠀steve changed the group name to wonan | |
| 3871 | + | % | |
| 3872 | + | @randypaint: me: i would like to buy a piano | |
| 3873 | + | ||
| 3874 | + | yamaha: ok | |
| 3875 | + | ||
| 3876 | + | me: i'd also like to buy a motorcycle lol do u know where i can find a good one | |
| 3877 | + | ||
| 3878 | + | yamaha: ur not gonna believe this | |
| 3879 | + | % |
Binaries are not rendered as diffs.