- commit
- a1a566e
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- xxwhirlpool
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add more fortune files
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6935+%
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6937+%
6938+The Greatest Restaurant Owner Shares
6939+%
6940+care treatments in
6941+%
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6943+%
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6945+%
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6947+%
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6949+%
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6951+%
6952+into action and prepare
6953+%
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6955+%
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6957+%
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6959+%
6960+Creating Profitable
6961+%
6962+The (hidden legal dangers) of starting a so-called "alternate credit file" and a new option that s far
6963+%
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6965+%
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6967+%
6968+your initial brainwave for the product
6969+%
6970+menus - imagine brimming
6971+%
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6973+%
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6975+%
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6977+%
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6979+%
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6981+%
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6983+%
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6985+%
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6987+%
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6989+%
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6991+%
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6993+%
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6995+%
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6997+%
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6999+%
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7001+%
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7003+%
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7005+%
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7007+%
7008+Imagine Yourself In A Vivid Scene Where You ASK FOR and GET
7009+%
7010+And Dropped 2 Pants Sizes Without Strenuous Exercise.
7011+%
7012+5 easy steps - even if you have absolutely no investing experience whatsoever!
7013+%
7014+The research behind this entire
7015+%
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7017+%
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7019+%
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7021+%
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7023+%
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7025+%
7026+Read Your Boss to Achieve Optimum Success
7027+%
7028+when your own host is stealing from you, behind your back!
7029+%
7030+A market; A machine or set of machines; A group of workers; A department. Key Benefits: The technique is
7031+%
7032+tomorrow, they eventually
7033+%
7034+millions every month with a directory of hundreds of free
7035+%
7036+What if he calls you - but doesn t leave a message?
7037+%
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7039+%
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7041+%
7042+A secret way of using your TV set to grow your arms at least
7043+%
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7045+%
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7047+%
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7049+%
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7051+%
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7053+%
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7055+%
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7057+%
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7059+%
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7061+%
7062+Understanding How Tomatoes
7063+%
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7065+%
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7067+%
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7069+%
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7071+%
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7073+%
7074+a sophisticated zoom
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7077+%
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7079+%
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7081+%
7082+What you absolutely must know about filtering arsenic from your water. The best method or test to ask for when you need a general
7083+%
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7085+%
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7087+%
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7089+%
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7091+%
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7093+%
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7095+%
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7097+%
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7099+%
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7101+%
7102+Praline Christmas Mud
7103+%
7104+of whole continents and mountain chains to the development and effusion of gaseous and liquid fluids, of hot mud, and of those heated
7105+%
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7107+%
7108+Here s what you ll get: The
7109+%
7110+SHOULD YOU PAPER
7111+%
7112+Natural Solutions to High Blood Pressure
7113+%
7114+to declutter and
7115+%
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7117+%
7118+How To Legally Save Thousands On Your Divorce
7119+%
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7121+%
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7123+%
7124+Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch Watch-cases. Machine for decorating Watch-cases. Machine for decorating
7125+%
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7127+%
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7129+%
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7131+%
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7133+%
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7135+%
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7137+%
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7139+%
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7141+%
7142+your dream of running your house
7143+%
7144+Kayaking Basics and Beyond. Inland Walleye. Distance Running. Your Essential
7145+%
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7147+%
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7149+%
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7151+%
7152+BEFORE going to a fancy restaurant to reduce the damage.
7153+%
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7155+%
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7157+%
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7159+%
7160+Secrets and ideas that will skyrocket you out of a fog, and into a crystal clear
7161+%
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7163+%
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7165+%
7166+a friend that people will want to hang out with rather than be forgotten about thanks to some very powerful techniques.
7167+%
7168+Learn to Build Golf Clubs
7169+%
7170+Then, by chance I ran into
7171+%
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7173+%
7174+it in emergency
7175+%
7176+make wishes for the things
7177+%
7178+Discover the Secrets of Family Camping Without Breaking the Bank
7179+%
7180+In Just Two Hours, You Can Learn How to Keep Thousands of Dollars in Your Pocket and Put Salespeople At Your Mercy, Begging You To Buy Their
7181+%
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7183+%
7184+can learn how to
7185+%
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7187+%
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7189+%
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7191+%
7192+the tyre in a single operation. At Crewe it is a conical ingot which is healed, hammered on its two bases by
7193+%
7194+You ll be my
7195+%
7196+Not a guru, not a market wizard nor a published author - just a trader who trades Forex for
7197+%
7198+The Ultimate Swimming Pool Maintenance
7199+%
7200+The single biggest secret to getting a man to succumb to you, turn to jelly in your hands and never ever
7201+%
7202+at the sound of the telephone or
7203+%
7204+How to Become a Private Lender Earning
7205+%
7206+Take the hassle and confusion out of car
7207+%
7208+Foam
7209+%
7210+endless 131 hand holds out the dreadful 33 hand
7211+%
7212+into consideration when buying competition
7213+%
7214+With careful planning, a steady hand and lots of patience, photographers can even coax a moray s nose into the framer
7215+%
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7217+%
7218+Seaplane, Gilder & Balloon Flying Handbook
7219+%
7220+How To Get Low Cost Car Insurance For Life
7221+%
7222+The Publisher has strived to be as accurate and complete as possible in the creation of this report, notwithstanding the fact that he does
7223+%
7224+Italian Ice Carts- Sweet Money
7225+%
7226+a man or woman turning their kitchen into an art studio. Life is short let s make the most of it while we are here You will know about
7227+%
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7229+%
7230+Can you tell me about an important written document you were required to complete?
7231+%
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7233+%
7234+Gurus can get you into trouble. I go to the same seminars
7235+%
7236+Sunscreens and Aerosols
7237+%
7238+The Foreclosure Investors Toolkit
7239+%
7240+daily significantly
7241+%
7242+You own a practical, simple
7243+%
7244+There is no mistaking, questioning or denying it. We are both obsessed and inspired by business success
7245+%
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7247+%
7248+Million dollar achievers reveal
7249+%
7250+Smell Irresistable and Save Yourself
7251+%
7252+anybody through clothes
7253+%
7254+actually better when it comes to a few of
7255+%
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7257+%
7258+How To Achieve Your Dreams By Setting Goals The Right Way!
7259+%
7260+How to get the best bargains in satellite
7261+%
7262+How too much goal setting can leave you with the wrong results - and
7263+%
7264+Picture this! In just a week or so of implementing these secret techniques you will go from a "Search Engine Nobody"
7265+%
7266+And You Do NOT Have to Spend a Fortune to Learn Exactly How!
7267+%
7268+Dog Training Tutor
7269+%
7270+Hold", the brutal "King Pin", and much more!).
7271+%
7272+to the variety of grape
7273+%
7274+You tell them to simply say the names of the suits one after
7275+%
7276+Special Greeting
7277+%
7278+Eco Friendly
7279+%
7280+I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got I ve got to me. I ve got I ve got I ve
7281+%
7282+Anxiety Free Today
7283+%
7284+The 3 CRITICAL giveaways that makes you
7285+%
7286+but even so, writing frequent love letters with words
7287+%
7288+even starting this marvelous hobby.
7289+%
7290+Do you suffer from uncontrollable sweating? Do you experience sudden episodes of intense and overwhelming
7291+%
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7293+%
7294+to know what women in other countries have been using for generations
7295+%
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7297+%
7298+Goal Setting
7299+%
7300+It s now simple
7301+%
7302+For The Highest Price Possible, No Matter How Much Time You Have Had To Prepare!
7303+%
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7305+%
7306+THE MUST
7307+%
7308+Auto Sound System Basics
7309+%
7310+what s true for you about situations that may be
7311+%
7312+Becomes A Problem. What s The
7313+%
7314+I d say at one point in our lives everyone
7315+%
7316+Crumbs
7317+%
7318+When done, lightly
7319+%
7320+Are 3000 Mile Oil Changes
7321+%
7322+How to Buy Owner Financed Homes
7323+%
7324+(This section can actually give you a whole new way to communicate with
7325+%
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7327+%
7328+Love Secrets
7329+%
7330+I ve created this important 15-page report to reveal the best option to preserve your wealth, secure
7331+%
7332+influential ways
7333+%
7334+Enjoy hours-long
7335+%
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7337+%
7338+How to Have Healthy Hair - At Any Age
7339+%
7340+She knows I m a no-nonsense medical researcher who has dedicated my life to finding all-natural treatments for devastating
7341+%
7342+at the insights you gain about those weird, bizarre symbols in your dreams.
7343+%
7344+Lawn Mower Style Line Trimmer
7345+%
7346+to make any sales Haven t a Clue of What Makes it Happen Have problems with creativity. Have not started marketing on the net Don t have
7347+%
7348+You ll receive an over
7349+%
7350+INTRODUCTORY.--HOW WE MET. I. INTRODUCTORY.--HOW WE MET II. HOW TO TALK III. TALK IV. HOW
7351+%
7352+Why you should think twice about painting the walls in your house anything
7353+%
7354+Demand Furniture
7355+%
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7357+%
7358+shopping format allows you to identify and measure quality of products and services. The need to
7359+%
7360+101 Money Saving Cost Cutting Tips
7361+%
7362+countertops to make certain
7363+%
7364+your roses. Realize that rain water
7365+%
7366+Including simplified four part arrangements for the novice student and
7367+%
7368+Jet Lag Plane
7369+%
7370+Not only that, but whether you believe it (or want to believe it) the car salesmen will continue to laugh
7371+%
7372+In 2004, two independent dental research teams completed
7373+%
7374+of events get you the
7375+%
7376+are worth the attention to create a "balance".
7377+%
7378+Decorate With Wallpaper
7379+%
7380+What if you could do the very
7381+%
7382+.RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. .RAVEL. GRADING AND GRAVEL. .RADING AND GRAVEL. GRAVEL. GRADING AND GRAVEL. TOTAL
7383+%
7384+And for many, it does both.
7385+%
7386+Vertical Jump Training Program
7387+%
7388+I am not sure of his feelings and I would
7389+%
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7391+%
7392+Culture Revealed.
7393+%
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7395+%
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7397+%
7398+remember and fun to share.
7399+%
7400+Novice and seasoned tomato growers alike find this section invaluable, as it contains everything you
7401+%
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7403+%
7404+Life style strategies to support your youthful memory.
7405+%
7406+& visual perception, Memory,
7407+%
7408+and that geological significance should not be lost in the search for more and more
7409+%
7410+wild don t diet, and neither should you.
7411+%
7412+Discover new tactics to solve your computer problems
7413+%
7414+New cars, clothes,
7415+%
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7417+%
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7419+%
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7421+%
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7423+%
7424+Saving On Cleaning Supplies
7425+%
7426+This sounds like the beginning of a brutal experience, that I personally
7427+%
7428+another place would tell
7429+%
7430+Do these simple things, and you are guaranteed to keep your license (or regret it
7431+%
7432+Getting Started In Auto Sales
7433+%
7434+But that s just basic
7435+%
7436+Discussion
7437+%
7438+Overheads are low, usually just
7439+%
7440+No circus act lifts or beach body workouts.
7441+%
7442+Essays for Undergraduate Programs
7443+%
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7445+%
7446+breath, and vice versa. How many of the common things I and others thought we were doing
7447+%
7448+AND BURNED BY UNSCRUPULOUS BUSINESSES MORE TIMES
7449+%
7450+I have personally used this technique to break many memory
7451+%
7452+Miracle Mind Manifesting Program
7453+%
7454+The "Battle Tested" Technique The "Swap Me" Technique The "Prize
7455+%
7456+of the court again once you ve
7457+%
7458+We both have discussed, researched heavily
7459+%
7460+The interviews can be shorter since you would have many
7461+%
7462+One Hundred and One Patchwork Patterns
7463+%
7464+your daily life, and also in difficult and trying situations.
7465+%
7466+face year
7467+%
7468+How many times have you wished you were strong enough to concentrate your mind,
7469+%
7470+displayed are all for right-handers? I ll show
7471+%
7472+Conversational Japanese Video Course
7473+%
7474+In less than three weeks you can be looking at things differently, more creatively, if you
7475+%
7476+Why many people achieve very little despite spending most of their time
7477+%
7478+And practical explanations
7479+%
7480+Then I decided to try an experiment and put all of my hard work to the test. The next morning I got up and walked straight to my computer..
7481+%
7482+Learn to Trade Markets
7483+%
7484+principle to work to make more money while having more fun. Unlucky people
7485+%
7486+One of the greatest barriers to making the sale is your prospect s natural
7487+%
7488+Don t stubbornly
7489+%
7490+process from preparation, through to delivery.
7491+%
7492+Turn Eye Appeal Into Buy Appeal
7493+%
7494+This is a very special technique that I have never seen
7495+%
7496+-And Gain Power By Learning Ways To Become Peaceful
7497+%
7498+space in your house How to sell faster than your neighbors How to make a strategic use
7499+%
7500+to discourage you by telling
7501+%
7502+All Star Personal Trainers
7503+%
7504+The real goal of any talk or speech
7505+%
7506+Bear Stearns Bravo
7507+%
7508+(213) 444 0102
7509+%
7510+http://t.co/fFjVzCrTrZ
7511+%
7512+I m going to outline 14 different ways that I ve found you
7513+%
1@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
2+utilitylimb.dat: utilitylimb
3+ @strfile utilitylimb utilitylimb.dat
+1468,
-0
1@@ -0,0 +1,1468 @@
2+tweet -@UtilityLimb
3+%
4+kewl garden tip: pet cactus provide your pad w/ spicy latin style AND essential home security -@UtilityLimb
5+%
6+@AGentleBrees What if someone made a battle bot that could only suck its own weener -@UtilityLimb
7+%
8+ugh... meet'n'greet devolved into hoot'n'woot yet again... -@UtilityLimb
9+%
10+family dog tear up couch and uses scraps to build cocoon... metamorphosis into better dog?? answer: no... #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
11+%
12+get in a taxi and driver has no steering wheel or pedals-but you do! he make you go opposite direction. really out of the way #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
13+%
14+convoluted series of domino events create uplifting NRG beat in backyard waking neighbors #DarubeGoldbergMachine #unfaireviction -@UtilityLimb
15+%
16+@woodmuffin man tweet likely happenings #mundaneevents all come true except sudden new skullshaped moon being "no big deal" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
17+%
18+you write check &realize yr sig sideways look like man impaled on spears. spooky part: check was for DIY home spike trap kit #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
19+%
20+RT @woodmuffin: Your long-dormant pager comes back to life displaying 80087734. You flip it around to discover "hELLBOOB" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
21+%
22+family dog disappear with lantern for days on end. returns with wounds, foursquare checkins deep below earths crust, amulets. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
23+%
24+parakeet strangely laconic except imitating sound of distant train at 4am daily. train sound closer each time. earth tremors. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
25+%
26+frugal black cat close browser each time u walk in room. history cache show DiscountCauldron.info, Factory2ndBats.biz #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
27+%
28+@bro_pair in english Namaste translates to: Da Nastayyy!! -@UtilityLimb
29+%
30+driverless black subaru pursues u thru desolate desert but has trouble keepin pace, breaks down after couple miles #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb
31+%
32+booming, disembodied voice admits "Balthazar" is just nickname, real name particularly less imposing #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb
33+%
34+@woodmuffin thank you. based on true story. irl amulets big let down. dog did not need artifact enhanced urinary power+neither did my carpet -@UtilityLimb
35+%
36+@AGentleBrees same thing happen to me. tried to say Ian Curtis, accidentally said I am Kurdish. #MyLifeEndedInEarly90sIraq -@UtilityLimb
37+%
38+@bro_pair bieb baath and beyond -@UtilityLimb
39+%
40+estranged romanian uncle send gift for 9th birthday: undulating black sphere. turns out its really fun to play with #marginallyominousevents -@UtilityLimb
41+%
42+hooded groundskeeper's answer of "puberty" RE: sudden severe growth of manor's stone gargoyles just raises further questions #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
43+%
44+@kafkaesqueteen new country form based on FW:funylaws.rar! dissolve in controversy 2 days later when prez throws owl like football (ILLEGAL) -@UtilityLimb
45+%
46+@AGentleBrees bush demands swole activist judges STOP legislating from&killing it on the bench, gets swirly in toilet full of legal gay weed -@UtilityLimb
47+%
48+typo in my craiglist m4m ad cause pharoah show up at my house gimme Mummy Tummy. toilet withering in decay from so many curse turds :( -@UtilityLimb
49+%
50+neighbor's SUV has stick figure decals on rear window of man, woman, 2 boys, dog, horde of scorpions, giant sandworm, obelisk #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
51+%
52+@Ingwit ing wit? what verb is presently participling, and wit what? 1 of times great unknowable enigmas... (answer: hooting wit' prescience) -@UtilityLimb
53+%
54+@brendlewhat thank you but only follow during day, leave me alone at night. need stealth and silence for genderheists -@UtilityLimb
55+%
56+@mydxmproblem lol @ jennifer schwalbach smith marrying a figurative 12 year old -@UtilityLimb
57+%
58+realize 2late that travel brochure claim "breathtaking spine tree forest" not a typo &neither is "snow-capped mountain beaks" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
59+%
60+.@mobute cancer diagnosis much more fun before realizing doc had said oncology not arcology #hypertower #sprawlingtechnoziggurat -@UtilityLimb
61+%
62+driving through seemingly abandoned town you notice every clothing store has sign declaring size 80W500L pants all sold out #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
63+%
64+sleeves of every shirt sold at mall have no opening connect together like ouroboros, mall exits just lead deeper into mall #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
65+%
66+@leducviolet was accidentally within range of that hex during filming, spent last decade in fetal pos w/ excruciating impassable gall stone -@UtilityLimb
67+%
68+@leducviolet i meant lotr not marilyn manson sucking own dick (lost highway directors cut, also the straight story directors cut) -@UtilityLimb
69+%
70+@brendlewhat roger waters good solo albums cure cancer, too bad heeeEEEEAAAA*voice turns into sound from invasion of the body snatchers* -@UtilityLimb
71+%
72+roger waters doesn't need novocaine, he's already comfortably... HITLER?!? -@UtilityLimb
73+%
74+@bro_pair thanks for the heads up bout the new #CherryPoppinDeities altar! #NonEuclidianCheckerboardPattern -@UtilityLimb
75+%
76+@Bro_Pair what the... only the dick is catching flame?? booming bega bellows: "i am a construct of wood, not of society" -@UtilityLimb
77+%
78+@PlanetofFinks definitely going to try writing something for that but have no idea how to write anything longer than 3 sentences -@UtilityLimb
79+%
80+'ey there sugar... thinkin your thorax look even hotter reorganized into bonyboob exoskeletal configuration #CreepTweets -@UtilityLimb
81+%
82+that pepper spray isn't going to help you, i don't have eyes. #creeptweets -@UtilityLimb
83+%
84+RT @woodmuffin: Your mouth is like a cave. It's dark. It's damp. And in a moment, it's going to be filled with spiders #CreepTweets -@UtilityLimb
85+%
86+@fart cranberry born in wrong berry body -@UtilityLimb
87+%
88+BREAKING: dead sewer scrolls reveal christ turn water into slime. entire ocean, slime. #bible #prophecy #oozechrist -@UtilityLimb
89+%
90+BREAKING: dead sewer scrolls give stern warning: judge not lest ye be sludged #bible #prophecy #oozechrist -@UtilityLimb
91+%
92+@dinosaurjrrk dont hav that sory but fav mory feldman is "for samuel beckett" could upload for you if you dont hav. #slowlymodulatingthicket -@UtilityLimb
93+%
94+@fart Year is 2012 and the genderqueer mayan gods aren't decimating society's BS constructs, just society's vital infrastructure #fuckthem -@UtilityLimb
95+%
96+@Ingwit yes he does! and thaks gonna check those out later :] -@UtilityLimb
97+%
98+mosquitoes landing on bug zapper unphased, successfully biting and sucking electricity out of it #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
99+%
100+women, children, and the unarmed #shiitesmydadslays -@UtilityLimb
101+%
102+lookin 4a thiack azzz mami 2 lick+suck my chitin while i sloooowly cleave her noggin in twain w/ me pincers #twitterafterdark -@UtilityLimb
103+%
104+@aerobicrobot wat hapen?? -@UtilityLimb
105+%
106+@ingwit good night james, from me, a hideous mutant made of tendons and teeth -@UtilityLimb
107+%
108+you are only one surprised and not singing along with national anthem at baseball game being "black ships ate the sky" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
109+%
110+arrive at paleontology museum to discover singular titanic skeledino created from all bones of other dinos and museum staff #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
111+%
112+@leducviolet toddler dismayed that megazord crafted of household pets and glue gun not very fun or powerful -@UtilityLimb
113+%
114+gonna swarm and violently puncture+inject you with rumpspike venom #sincewereseethinghornets -@UtilityLimb
115+%
116+RT @crushingbort: some of the faces on the missing children flyers are now stamped "DEFEATED" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
117+%
118+none of the 48,000 identical cans of potted meat received at food drive explain what exactly is "chicken of the deep" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
119+%
120+kafkaesque arboretum -@UtilityLimb
121+%
122+house republicans claim thrill-first-ask-questions-later bailout of artifact recovery specialists danbrownesque, qobratic, kickassian -@UtilityLimb
123+%
124+distant smoke tweet alert coming of lizard ones. yell for @grok @thoog return to cave. beg spirits that bone rites protect. #primevaltwitter -@UtilityLimb
125+%
126+@Ingwit i will mak you 1 art. you or som1 else gimme shortstory/post/tweet to turn in2 audioreading on top of surreal postminimal soundscape -@UtilityLimb
127+%
128+@menfickskabb that could work mebbe! possible microsong material. will see... -@UtilityLimb
129+%
130+@Ingwit aaah that would own! but i started a couple hours ago on "open palm slam a vhs". if ppl think like this i'll do that one next -@UtilityLimb
131+%
132+@bro_pair love will find a wayans... -@UtilityLimb
133+%
134+RT @Mobute: @thebibandit The Wayans calendar ends in 2012. Mark your time. -@UtilityLimb
135+%
136+i hope "hoot first, ask questions later!" been used at some point by marketing man making lot of money to positivley describe a sitcom -@UtilityLimb
137+%
138+@J_Chastain mystery blur assault lazy bird man. crime: put food in paper shredder as nestling wife+daughters knelt beneath, mouths agape. -@UtilityLimb
139+%
140+greg howard vows to destroy careers of liberal twitter trolls aaliyah, ian curtis, big bopper, def leppard drummer's disembodied arm -@UtilityLimb
141+%
142+gaza elect bahamas. jew, arab friends now. steel drum play havah nagila/adhÄn medley. "only battle at limbo now" say man sipping coconut. -@UtilityLimb
143+%
144+during debate lincoln point at douglas start yelling "FAAAAAAA-". graveyard report say corpse still yelling. yet 2yell "GGOT" #debaterecord -@UtilityLimb
145+%
146+reagan tell mondale he "weepy baby" &got "doodoo dipey" 172 time during surprise debate after election at mondale moms funeral #debaterecord -@UtilityLimb
147+%
148+you took our fire. you gave it to the mortal ones. now look what they did to build-a-bear. #badprometheus -@UtilityLimb
149+%
150+Beauty is Exactly Skin Deep - Wardrobe by Buffalo Bill's Boutique #badpromthemes -@UtilityLimb
151+%
152+renovation reveal hidden tunnels beneath mpr, green day - time of your life heard echoing below at 40bpm in impossible key #badpromthemes -@UtilityLimb
153+%
154+i got a monster manual too *holds up yearbook* no fictional beast could match the damage that todd did to me... -@UtilityLimb
155+%
156+@extranapkins we all piss on a yellow submissive -@UtilityLimb
157+%
158+@leducviolet thats ok yours was better, mine just a graey alien ref. all the retweets you got are legally mine tho. -@UtilityLimb
159+%
160+The Guy From Queen Is Dead #pozmoz -@UtilityLimb
161+%
162+Mange Gay's Rear, We Cum #pozmoz -@UtilityLimb
163+%
164+My Twitter Rank is Wildly Different from My Social Standing in Actual Life! -@UtilityLimb
165+%
166+my twitter is rank. "puke duke." "bog baron." -@UtilityLimb
167+%
168+John Balance delighted to be freed from "Most Hilarious Fatal Toppling" burden -@UtilityLimb
169+%
170+@mydxmproblem special message from jhonn: always eat your greens. esp. broccoli. -@UtilityLimb
171+%
172+Inbred Empire #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb
173+%
174+Eternal Sunshine of the Spicless Mind #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb
175+%
176+Arousing Cougar, Hidden Imam #teapartymovietitles -@UtilityLimb
177+%
178+A Portrait of the Arab as a Human #bannedbooks -@UtilityLimb
179+%
180+@bro_pair palestinians fall for Enticement Dinghy filled w/ basic human needs, trigger comical trap that crush them and offspring w/ anvils -@UtilityLimb
181+%
182+GOOD NEWS: terrifying figure discovered beneath mall just a mannequin. not a dead body. BAD NEWS: not a dead mannequin. #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
183+%
184+Face Brown, Class Lower / Thats The Race That We Fuck Over! #TeaPartyPR #TeaPartySongs -@UtilityLimb
185+%
186+@bro_pair @acaringgirl i always wonder how many islamophobes happen to love those "romantic relationship" poems by "some guy named rumi" -@UtilityLimb
187+%
188+@Rappin4Safety im hard to find. username contain glyphs not available on human keyboard. -@UtilityLimb
189+%
190+RT @graeydaeve: pumpkin hatched. this world is not what i thought it was. the patchling scratches. devoured many crow. So. You new to s ... -@UtilityLimb
191+%
192+.@SimmonsBedding sleep on simmons bed restless, hollow. nightmare of beds past. ?? years spent in slumber. do not recognize world i woke to. -@UtilityLimb
193+%
194+loar boar speak of histories hidden and artifacts antiquarian. warn that the new ways weaken planets lifesauce, scorn the zomnipotent. -@UtilityLimb
195+%
196+spent last 9weeks shuffled back+forth thru diffrnt lines. no1says if tickets still available, or even exist. this kafkafest is kindaâ¦u know⦠-@UtilityLimb
197+%
198+home godot 2: bumbling burglar duo try to rob house. are foiled. become ensnared in stasis imposed by selves, superglue. -@UtilityLimb
199+%
200+.@Ingwit butt cairn. corn bones inside. interred in turd. #mortalhusk -@UtilityLimb
201+%
202+RT @babywolfpupy: people in egg costumes chanting "egg council rules" in car drive over banan peel and fly off cliff -@UtilityLimb
203+%
204+@kafkaesqueteen @woodmuffin my name irl is Ominous Evan -@UtilityLimb
205+%
206+ANCHORMAN: highway traffic halted by a 17 car pileup-*listens 2 earpiece* correction... halted by a serpentine scarred pylon #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
207+%
208+have no reagents2make skelefriends. adventurer took only thing that matter 2me:gem that sustain execrable necrosis. no point 2unlife ne more -@UtilityLimb
209+%
210+@Ingwit those owned, esp trash golems -@UtilityLimb
211+%
212+aging worldeater stymied by inexorable march of time, indigestible marsh of slime -@UtilityLimb
213+%
214+.@ingwit here thing. thing i did. not thing like what i normly do. words by @graeydaeve ! daeve i hope this ok w/u,ilu! http://bit.ly/b0mlUh -@UtilityLimb
215+%
216+@Ingwit :) thx turned out more normal than i intend but w/e. if you njoy weirdmusic info its microtonal, 7limit just intonation(1/3tones) -@UtilityLimb
217+%
218+@Mobute thak you, good luck on your journeys -@UtilityLimb
219+%
220+@Bro_Pair haha i didnt but if you want to go ahead?? you have the power+stats... -@UtilityLimb
221+%
222+@J_Chastain oh man you never saw that original post?? http://bit.ly/9oF9np do you mind if i do this for "we have all turned to metal men" -@UtilityLimb
223+%
224+@shrineshrine music right there! not work for you? -@UtilityLimb
225+%
226+@subsubsequence thank yuo :) i want to be in team thac0 too...! -@UtilityLimb
227+%
228+@kafkaesqueteen thank you friend! -@UtilityLimb
229+%
230+@acaringgirl thags :] you are caring! -@UtilityLimb
231+%
232+@graeydaeve thanks!! im happy you liked!! -@UtilityLimb
233+%
234+@PlanetofFinks yeah i did, thanks! itd have been pretty lame if i just took someone else music for this -@UtilityLimb
235+%
236+Koyaaniscoochie #discountporn -@UtilityLimb
237+%
238+psst... secret bookworlds... -@UtilityLimb
239+%
240+RT @babywolfpupy: Cookie Monster: Me not know what is at the mountains of madness, hopefully it cookie -@UtilityLimb
241+%
242+chumbawamba, donna - laura palmer -@UtilityLimb
243+%
244+PEARL HARBOR, DEC 7 1941 -- NEW EVIDENCE PROVES LINK BETWEEN FASCIST ASIANS, KRAUTISM -@UtilityLimb
245+%
246+RT @J_Chastain: my horse stopped moving. had to check its insides. hate that place. empty rooms+hallways go nowhere. colossal horse face ... -@UtilityLimb
247+%
248+hovering leaf swarms begin to shed withered dead branches, trunks, birds. #ominousevents #autumnaldread -@UtilityLimb
249+%
250+.@mydxmproblem thanks but dont have webcam (visible spectrum light unpleasant, burning). usb sonar batcam belligerent and demanding grubs. -@UtilityLimb
251+%
252+@Mobute creatures made of actual mud misinterpret racist remarks, rise up+attack. war last an hour be4 they dry up+die out. bit of a letdown -@UtilityLimb
253+%
254+For Whom the Battletoads -@UtilityLimb
255+%
256+mycobaby migration. diaper spore diaspora. #nightmarenappy #fungalgehenna -@UtilityLimb
257+%
258+@Bro_Pair tonight i will be 5blogging you.*hands u a 5. u get excited, then realize its of no value here. a dead currency of an ancient lol* -@UtilityLimb
259+%
260+every #SNL skit so far parody same unknown event involving crying,vomiting millipedes.audience also cry,vomit millipedes. host: an urn -@UtilityLimb
261+%
262+military man open HUGE crate, discover predatorâ¦LOANS?! "what the-" *camera cut2robotically incinerated american lowerclass* #shippingmixups -@UtilityLimb
263+%
264+man operating medical waste incinerator in mastectomy ward was saying boob urns -@UtilityLimb
265+%
266+@brendlewhat homer: mmmm.... dessert of the real... -@UtilityLimb
267+%
268+RT @hoobastank_band: face all scraped up + goopy. dumpster diving not actual Real Thing. maybe if theres soft trashes. YMMV -@UtilityLimb
269+%
270+foolish contestant question rules of nickelodeon GUTS, carted off to AGGRO GULAG -@UtilityLimb
271+%
272+@hoobastank_band haha thanks dude, youve been owning at your twitter comeback -@UtilityLimb
273+%
274+@Bro_Pair a similar fate awaited those that were successfully pressured into smoking the weed slime by Narc Summers on Double D.A.R.E -@UtilityLimb
275+%
276+ancient netbook has secret power2alter reality thru wikivandalism. regret finding this out by turning mathteacher in2violent 600ft fartyturd -@UtilityLimb
277+%
278+@Ingwit thankYOU! have fun on sprezzatura adventure lots of unintentional hilarious forums w/useful sartorial info. attracts a creepy crowd -@UtilityLimb
279+%
280+@Bro_Pair no one cares about 3rd world child labor because double dare convinced us that kids love being submerged in slime for money -@UtilityLimb
281+%
282+i need some kind of music project to do for fun that i dont have2 obsess over the outcome of like i do w/my actual music. SUGGESTS WELCOMe -@UtilityLimb
283+%
284+@AGentleBrees lot of things+cant stick w/1 thing. all i have up right now is that graeydaeve song which is hyperdrama normly i do fun thigns -@UtilityLimb
285+%
286+RT @choadmalma: I wish in Resident Evil 1 Whesker was called Whiskers and it was a cat with sunglasses that everyone treated like a real ... -@UtilityLimb
287+%
288+@Ingwit for a very different reason i love hearing harry partch talk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWr_MOVIvj4 -@UtilityLimb
289+%
290+@Ingwit he own.grumpygay railhobo travel US,transcribe speechmelody in2microtone song+collect debris2build instruments that look like altars -@UtilityLimb
291+%
292+RT @extranapkins: Told my dog he could have a handful of pretzels, he was excited until he noticed he doesn't have any hands! Ha ha. He' ... -@UtilityLimb
293+%
294+'please RT if we friends'? ok :) *siren go off let all know im BIG IDIOT who clicka traptweet* *snared&pelted w/ figs* *forced 2 eatabug* -@UtilityLimb
295+%
296+@Ingwit haruspicy determine this human mother womb contain horse, lyle, a haruhi spic -@UtilityLimb
297+%
298+baby wolf gogy -@UtilityLimb
299+%
300+political signs allova place here4guy name CRESPO. i laugh! try to explain2companions but they dont laugh. probly cant hear me inside cocoon -@UtilityLimb
301+%
302+@hoobastank_band lol is this from something -@UtilityLimb
303+%
304+@hoobastank_band lmao c/p: This scene is dedicated to Amazon.com, the largest Internet bookseller in the world. Amazon is amazing -@UtilityLimb
305+%
306+.@acaringgirl no musk at ground zero? in your dreams, gramps! #pitboys #fartwa -@UtilityLimb
307+%
308+i liked defunct penguin waddling off2 lonely end. whats good next herzog movie to see so far i seen that1, stroszek, my son my son, grizzly -@UtilityLimb
309+%
310+@leh0n qu'ran lagann -@UtilityLimb
311+%
312+@arby_crash @fielddayfits @notwritten @admiral_baby thank you! aguirre first then -@UtilityLimb
313+%
314+hey @medassureservic medicalwaste disposal co who follow me:do u charge dif price4dif species?messy mishap.hard2tell what man&what centipede -@UtilityLimb
315+%
316+too bored to read what seems to be another headline about tcot trolls u ignore the warning step outside only 2b disintegrated by beam-dogs -@UtilityLimb
317+%
318+CAN WE ALL AGREE ABOUT APPLES?? (TASTY) #tlot #tcot -@UtilityLimb
319+%
320+@Wood_Thrush haha yeah every time i try to tweet something im met with a big red -118 or so and feel kinda dumb -@UtilityLimb
321+%
322+build YOUR new world order just how YOU want it, at Bild-a-berg! -@UtilityLimb
323+%
324+@mekkanare do not want to upset fatbirdman :( -@UtilityLimb
325+%
326+hey girl lemme see ur boobs *sudden ancestral memory surges of the protoboob. jellybreast splits in binary fission to form first rack* -@UtilityLimb
327+%
328+tumblr? i hardly know her (outside the idealized fantasy personality i project on her because we have similar artsy interests she RTs me) -@UtilityLimb
329+%
330+@eggo_addict the apple schism: which cider you on -@UtilityLimb
331+%
332+archaeologists make terrifying discovery: fossils of animate vicious medical equipment, proof of ancient hunter-catheter society -@UtilityLimb
333+%
334+The Failer Who Fell from Grace with the /B/ -@UtilityLimb
335+%
336+@Bro_Pair do it! allah will forgive any sin - except shrek -@UtilityLimb
337+%
338+snakedread prez lithify hard workin' taxpayers... pile bodies to build obamacairns... powers obtained as youth at radical islamic medusa... -@UtilityLimb
339+%
340+@Bro_Pair i wish i was a lion of allah / i spit on the kabbalah -@UtilityLimb
341+%
342+@Bro_Pair wish i had a girl in a hood by the kaaba -@UtilityLimb
343+%
344+@Bro_Pair hahaha theres too many good islam jokes but no one to get them (was proud of my shrek/shirk joke that fell on deaf ears) -@UtilityLimb
345+%
346+*collects rib, eye, ring, heart, and nail of saddam* WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO GAS THE KURDS -@UtilityLimb
347+%
348+@acaringgirl woah... johnny five mambos cameo in fallout: lou begas! -@UtilityLimb
349+%
350+@Ingwit google search after making that joke revealed 10 people already came up with fallout lou bega :( but zybourne angle is all bandit!! -@UtilityLimb
351+%
352+My Bloody Clementine #veggiebands *RED LIGHT FLASH* *KLAXON HOWL* intercom booms: BI BANDIT NOT KNOW DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VEGETABLE AND FRUIT -@UtilityLimb
353+%
354+@Wood_Thrush zybourne clock existed before a coterie of fellow creatives existed to manifest it #watchmaker #yobweh -@UtilityLimb
355+%
356+@Ingwit its ok to decorate ones surroundings, its ok to decorate oneself. dont worry bout initial bad purchases thats how it goes at first! -@UtilityLimb
357+%
358+wikileak publish secret surprise USA b-day party docs. it was gonna be really nice. make USA feel good. now it all ruined. thanks a lot. -@UtilityLimb
359+%
360+@babywolfpupy ilu wolf dogy! -@UtilityLimb
361+%
362+@pyriphlegethon society brands you a criminal if you dare defy their sexual dichotomy. also if you commit banditry. -@UtilityLimb
363+%
364+great i open up my wallet and its full of blood!! the blood fiat ruin all my trousers :( why did i vote for The Fanged One -@UtilityLimb
365+%
366+cool way to come up with names in your fiction: cherrypick syllables from your artistic inspirations! try it with ozZY osBOURNE -@UtilityLimb
367+%
368+maybe everyone already figured that one out but its new to me so w/e -@UtilityLimb
369+%
370+Just generated a #TweetCloud, my top words are: [FORBIDDEN], [FORBIDDEN], [FORBIDDEN] - sigil://ĦÆÊ¡/ѬѨ (http://i56.tinypic.com/jsp0rt.png) -@UtilityLimb
371+%
372+oh my god... ANIME is about to get HOTTER! *five minutes go by nothing happen* .... false alarm... im really sory... -@UtilityLimb
373+%
374+@Wood_Thrush thank you what a helpful birdâ¦â¦!! -@UtilityLimb
375+%
376+@Ingwit lmao -@UtilityLimb
377+%
378+@AGentleBrees 1) GREET PUMPKIN (REQ CHA: 8)2) DISPEL PUMPKIN (REQ GOURDOMANCY: 60) 3) CARVE BANKSY STENCIL (REQ AUTHORITY OPINION: FUCK U) -@UtilityLimb
379+%
380+what has two thumbs and isnt pointing to himself? *thumbs hover listless, unpointingly. question remain unanswered. an ice age pause occurs* -@UtilityLimb
381+%
382+@Ingwit ive always wanted to make a weird radio-drama w/ sound fx music. obv in podcast form, since this is the future. -@UtilityLimb
383+%
384+@Ingwit i feel that way always. unrelated: read that napoleon nova story and lol also it'd work well for that -@UtilityLimb
385+%
386+@Ingwit you have an email, ... ! -@UtilityLimb
387+%
388+@skipscrivener you son of a crap -@UtilityLimb
389+%
390+.@brendlewhat well SOME OF US care about mexican trick-or-treaters *gestures to candy bowl filled with jawbtakers* -@UtilityLimb
391+%
392+oh, another false dichotomy that turns a blind eye to the shades of gray? nice try, society, but the bi bandit shan't be voting. -@UtilityLimb
393+%
394+*struggles futilely in mass of vines* cool write-in vote a big mistake. did not know there was real guy named goku (kudzu party) -@UtilityLimb
395+%
396+@woodmuffin bone party gain 78 seats!! news man say they gonna take our bones?? "NO," scream Rep. Pillar Of Skulls (B-NY) "GOT ENOUGH BONE." -@UtilityLimb
397+%
398+@virgiltexas now you just need a beer, a cigar, and five aces -@UtilityLimb
399+%
400+The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of thier dreams-a guys senior quote in my HS yrbook who then fucked a 12y.o.&went2jail -@UtilityLimb
401+%
402+mcrib is back? oh uhâ¦coolâ¦â¦hm? no im fineâ¦its justâ¦ah nevermindâ¦*stares at pocket timer showing 4+ years since last sexy benny benassi vid* -@UtilityLimb
403+%
404+@eggo_addict i appreciate sacrifice you made. feel to good to see my name on computer screen. -@UtilityLimb
405+%
406+sound of ribcage opening, sound of endless clowns exiting clown car (which is somehow aurally discernible) #badthingstohearinsurgery -@UtilityLimb
407+%
408+@Mobute haha thank for printing joke i made on aim though it was the one of which im most embarassed. next time i give you real joke. -@UtilityLimb
409+%
410+"u just reached*sunglasses*the statue of limitations YEAA"- stone figure that was neither existent nor blocking only arbys exit a minute ago -@UtilityLimb
411+%
412+can grok a lot bout life from garfield symbology: mondays (sadness) infinite&unyielding, lasagna (joy) limited&dwindling #RedditQuotesFriday -@UtilityLimb
413+%
414+@Wood_Thrush lol @ your often-failed struggle to [indecipherable heap of letters and symbols listing all abilities of a functional human] -@UtilityLimb
415+%
416+Steamly punk Buck Mulligan came from the airship wearing a bowler helmet on which a laser and a gear were embossed. #NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb
417+%
418+@woodmuffin that was the OLD bible... *hands you 2k11 netbible feat. Christ the Retweeter opened to John 4:Loko* -@UtilityLimb
419+%
420+k, guess we made all possible jokes about that bev'. lets take a furloughko. -@UtilityLimb
421+%
422+@Bro_Pair FUR LOKO / FURHERLOKO / LEGO TC LOKO / GILBERT GOTTFRIED TAUGHT LESSON IN COMPASSION WHEN SHAMAN TURN HIM IN2 SLIME MOULD FOR 1DAY -@UtilityLimb
423+%
424+@Bro_Pair stephen king is intruder audibly collapsing into craft service table after 8th tranquilizer dart in background of commentary track -@UtilityLimb
425+%
426+pee wee: "you say secret word." it flash. screaming. now silence. pee wee slither away through sewer grate. another spire appear on horizon. -@UtilityLimb
427+%
428+.@hoobastank_band lol nice "deep" V *walks away as own v-neck plunges abyssal carving trench into street exposing ancient cistern beneath* -@UtilityLimb
429+%
430+@john_dracula attn slsk user "david tibette": u a girl? *takes blurry pic hiding fact that im a shirt+pants filled w/ 5000 hivemind earwigs* -@UtilityLimb
431+%
432+@eggo_addict @john_dracula "the dick ants got worse :(" - john ball ants -@UtilityLimb
433+%
434+@babywolfpupy the wolf name is wolfpupy? i been calling him *says forbidden name, incurs dog god wrath that ruin village popsicle harvest* -@UtilityLimb
435+%
436+#boringprequels the 80-something years before the dissolution of your consciousness into the waiting void -@UtilityLimb
437+%
438+is there a dating site that lets you mix&match parts of different peoples profiles to assemble a person you'd actually want to talk to -@UtilityLimb
439+%
440+@john_dracula unrelated are you ferrinus or did i just imagine that and instead youre just mystery person who was funny right out the gate -@UtilityLimb
441+%
442+@john_dracula weird i thought you him. oh well you are also funny! -@UtilityLimb
443+%
444+@woodmuffin maybe... i'm ferrinus AND bibandit?! no, im not. sentient spore clouds cant have multiple personality disorder (hollywood myth) -@UtilityLimb
445+%
446+@mydxmproblem @pyriphlegethon please do not laugh at my medical condition (abominitis) -@UtilityLimb
447+%
448+@Ingwit "you need some tri-sigh-click antidepressants!" - words on funny t-shirt that has no arm or head holes and is binding me in darkness -@UtilityLimb
449+%
450+nasa find virus engineered by pluto. turn body into fallen planet. pluto: "all must know shame of scorned moon. you brought this on selves." -@UtilityLimb
451+%
452+he's finally here!!!!! #ff @barnaclejim -@UtilityLimb
453+%
454+C-SPAN Begins #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb
455+%
456+Philosophy Major Payne #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb
457+%
458+Cisformers #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb
459+%
460+McSweeney Todd #boringmovies -@UtilityLimb
461+%
462+@AGentleBrees comes from back of my head! 2face noggin swivel like janus, front is girl mode but hidden boy mode rude&ready for neocon blood -@UtilityLimb
463+%
464+@j_chastain @agentlebrees <-- i agree with the wind but am unable to RT or grasp it. may my descendants destroy it in their gridlike future. -@UtilityLimb
465+%
466+sick damned crones they take my bones, blood-worms forever hurt me #sinisteraphorisms -@UtilityLimb
467+%
468+@woodmuffin you'r good at funnytags -@UtilityLimb
469+%
470+o'coil rules! o'coil rules! o'coil ru-*slips on banana peel and topples over banister* #johnbalancelastwords -@UtilityLimb
471+%
472+no, my speedruns are NOT tool-assisted... but my heart is. *flips off ex-gf's facebook wall as Ãnima repeats for the 4th time* -@UtilityLimb
473+%
474+Ian Curtis was found dead in his home with Iggy Pop on his turntable, Stroszek in his VCR, and "slint amv" in his Youtube search bar. -@UtilityLimb
475+%
476+wake up in the morning feelin like a giant oak tree / got 20 gnarled limbs and theres crows perched all over me -@UtilityLimb
477+%
478+not fallin for that abyssal apparel trick again. glowing girl in purple leggings just bait dangling off deep sea dov charneyfish forehead. -@UtilityLimb
479+%
480+@Wood_Thrush dov charney is a greasy reviled weirdo known for degrading&sexually harassing girls half his age *goes on to make obvious joke* -@UtilityLimb
481+%
482+@AGentleBrees same thing happen to me with a @degg post once, probably explain why all my childhood memories involve barnacle jim penis. -@UtilityLimb
483+%
484+GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME ANIME DESIRES -@UtilityLimb
485+%
486+SO YOU FINALLY KILLED YOURSELF???? // RT @Wood_Thrush Mosty Spooky Oinks⦠homage to the legend. -@UtilityLimb
487+%
488+dark ip addy override mod privs STOP every day update list of nonfictional anime chars resembling pyramids STOP anime reality imminent STOP -@UtilityLimb
489+%
490+er'ic cart'man: erotic cartilage man. "stop doing that er'ic cart'man voice. i am trying to forget. i can not forget." #lessercontractions -@UtilityLimb
491+%
492+you shut your mouth / how can you say / my yearbook photo can't be anime -@UtilityLimb
493+%
494+@mydxmproblem i am the son / and the heir / of a stepdad that is criminal and vulgar / he said my cool green hair / is not very spectacular -@UtilityLimb
495+%
496+here beneath the floorboards, in a mass grave of spent twitterforms lays ingwit. no, girl! put your ass away. not even that can wake him now -@UtilityLimb
497+%
498+i risk life&limb (schoolnight net blackout) to tweet in solidarity yet you wont march on my stepdad? enjoy your freedom egypt. it wont last. -@UtilityLimb
499+%
500+I enjoy basking under my heat lamp on this rock. And that one. #BRENDLEGECKO -@UtilityLimb
501+%
502+see my last tweet was kinda a spoonerism. glenn beck changes to blenn geck which sounds l-*starts molting* no no NO not in public again!!!! -@UtilityLimb
503+%
504+@J_Chastain Male Gaze And Its Permeation Into This Level Where Mario Battles 3 Cutmans And 2 F-Zeros In The Mezzanine 'Twixt Sleep And Wake -@UtilityLimb
505+%
506+a skeleton... made entirely... of bones!! #rejectedominousevents -@UtilityLimb
507+%
508+you left this map out making me waste hours digging for uriel septims tank its just a tiny sewer level?! no gary ill show MYSELF the door. -@UtilityLimb
509+%
510+and the award for Guy Whose Name Is The Physical Act Of Being Forcibly Submerged In A Vat Of Eels goes toaaAAAAAAAAA [gurgling] [fanfare] -@UtilityLimb
511+%
512+@WeatherAsHell did i? where from -@UtilityLimb
513+%
514+"yo girl gimme some CORN WOES" - me, to hairdresser, immediately before a 3-hour corn bludgeoning left me paralyzed from neck down -@UtilityLimb
515+%
516+help @oscars tiny gold prize man mad w/ ravenous hunger. cant hide much longer. my greatest achievement in foley art now my worst nightmare. -@UtilityLimb
517+%
518+WELCOME, TRAVELERâ¦TO THE MOST MADDENING OF ALL MY TWISTED REALMS... THE EGG TOMBS!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES A TRAY LIKE THIS IN EVERY FRIDGE -@UtilityLimb
519+%
520+still crying+hyperventilating. will never do a prank drive-thru order again. how was i supposed to know McSpine is a real thing -@UtilityLimb
521+%
522+dracena trending... this is what we always feared... only sunlight/stakes can stop john cena now... -@UtilityLimb
523+%
524+where does the city end? where do i begin? there are no distinctions. all is pizza. i have no mouth and the roof of it is burned #pizzatown -@UtilityLimb
525+%
526+New rug art piece protesting "You're Not Allowed On The Couch" laws debuted by Barksy -@UtilityLimb
527+%
528+got a gut feeling i stole that joke from somewhere so if someone could let me know where that would just be great -@UtilityLimb
529+%
530+@ABigBagOfKeys oh so just because i am a white nerd who likes videogames+the internet i must know how to rap huh? EXTREMELY offensive.... -@UtilityLimb
531+%
532+@woodmuffin you guys played w/ custom cards and i missed it?? we need a yadpassword so room isnt full if i dont join within 1min of tweet :( -@UtilityLimb
533+%
534+in the movie speed the bus hit a baby carriage but only cans come out. how did the baby do that and what are his powers now -@UtilityLimb
535+%
536+yes i regret the holocaust remarks now but PLEASE understand i was under the impression ADL stood for Anime Defamation League -@UtilityLimb
537+%
538+DO NOT click "Microsoft Word speedrun(FUNNY)" vid! earths entire existence past+FUTURE typed in 1m36s. foresight of the end times unbearable -@UtilityLimb
539+%
540+RT @rap_ebooks Descending the staircase behind the crisper drawer, Tupac found himself in a much larger fridge. "I have been here in dreams, -@UtilityLimb
541+%
542+@J_Chastain thank you for MK: the comic that make me 2nd guess all my jokes wondering if i stole them from MK or from a dream about MK -@UtilityLimb
543+%
544+@brendlewhat Ha, what ISN'T "up" about gas prices!! 2 minutes ago via Self Contained Pod Filled W/ Stimuli Slime in reply to brendlewhat -@UtilityLimb
545+%
546+My Leatherman® can fix it! [naked man flops onto floor. thick leathery skin has overgrown his body, binding his mouth&limbs. he is weeping] -@UtilityLimb
547+%
548+RT @spider_ebooks Clearly, one (1) ton of spiders proves a sounder investment than its weight in gold, at least in terms of parental discipl -@UtilityLimb
549+%
550+yes terry our job IS just to make them but shouldn't we tell someone about this order for 6,000,000,000 "BONESLAVE" novelty license plates? -@UtilityLimb
551+%
552+@Orbicularis thank you! though keep in mind my dietary restriction tags: Raw, Gluten-Free, Local, Chitin-Based -@UtilityLimb
553+%
554+@woodmuffin ohhh you wanted crab legs TO EAT! look i threw out your old ones but calm down youll get the hang of walking on these in no time -@UtilityLimb
555+%
556+Powerman 5000 is a weird name but a great endocrinologist -@UtilityLimb
557+%
558+CENTER OF HUGE CADMIUM DEPOSIT, Subterra (AP) - DIEBOLD PLEDGES TO DELIVER 2012 ELECTION TO ALL 5000 POWERMANS. POWERMEn. -@UtilityLimb
559+%
560+Full House Reboot: The Tanners are played by wasp nests and the set doors are locked. Filmed in front of a live studio audience #sitcomideas -@UtilityLimb
561+%
562+MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU TSUNAMI. ONE DAY WE WILL DESTROY THIS HORRIBLE SPHERE. *PLUMMETS TO EARTH CREATING HUGE CRATER + UNBELIEVABLE DEATH* -@UtilityLimb
563+%
564+*flails utility limb, mashing all 17 buttons on my communications implant* [17 voices yell in unison]: THIS EVENT MAKE YOU THINK. 2012=REAL? -@UtilityLimb
565+%
566+the jet black 800-foot walls lined with unknown skulls depress me too honey but we both agreed WAR CUBE was the best house we could afford -@UtilityLimb
567+%
568+@graeyalien in a Just World john balance+davey tibet would fly around on a cool pyramid singing your tweets 24/7 (netcast) -@UtilityLimb
569+%
570+@woodmuffin thanks i was secretly quite proud of it :] *daps you w/ utility limb, getting vines and rotten bird eggs all over your hand* -@UtilityLimb
571+%
572+@Bro_Pair Next Week On Prairie Home Companion I Get Arrested When Garrison Keillor Doesn't Appreciate My Monster Killers Dreamcatcher, Arson -@UtilityLimb
573+%
574+@mydxmproblem Genesis P Orridge renames you "Dhann Not-Killed-In-World's-Most-Gruesome-Fishhook-Accident" #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
575+%
576+@Harass_Grandpa and now you know why it was so sad how Peter "Sleepy" Christopherson died :( -@UtilityLimb
577+%
578+one touch two touch bad touch wood thrush #higherstakeschildrensbooks -@UtilityLimb
579+%
580+@woodmuffin the old man and the sea -> the old man ate the sea | horseback riding -> horse's back, writhing | a full moon --> awful moon -@UtilityLimb
581+%
582+hidden warp pipe in simpsons dvd menu take me to the negative seasons!! can tell theyre super funny even tho i dont speak sumerian -@UtilityLimb
583+%
584+the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person -@UtilityLimb
585+%
586+@brendlewhat Mentally you picture Nate Dogg, but I have not told you the type of Dogg which I have. Perhaps you even picture Warren G -@UtilityLimb
587+%
588+FEED ME ORE #threewordstoliveby -@UtilityLimb
589+%
590+@woodmuffin thats been my fav picture for many years :] -@UtilityLimb
591+%
592+YouTube - A Guy Take A Pic Of His Face Every Day For 10,000 Years And At The End He Look Like Your New Owl. Hey Where'd You Buy An Owl? -@UtilityLimb
593+%
594+FUCKING SICK OF HOSpital staff&police ignorance toward experimental music. here in SOVIET OHIO circuit bending a ventilator = manslaughter.. -@UtilityLimb
595+%
596+83 polaroids of me getting ejected from dif. Arbys for wearing The Bug Diaper. for the next 17, the future is yet unwrittenâ¦#100factsaboutme -@UtilityLimb
597+%
598+ohhh i thought you said to rent THE WEBDINGS SINGER!! *huge bomb and pointing-finger symbols fly out of adam sandlers mouth, killing 1000s* -@UtilityLimb
599+%
600+@Bro_Pair you could say... Love Will Chair Us Apart *tightens noose and kicks chair out from under myself...twice* -@UtilityLimb
601+%
602+@Bro_Pair when is ian curtis going to california? *horns.aiff plays but last note rises until its loud+high enough to shatter my glasses* -@UtilityLimb
603+%
604+"My hands are registered as Lethal Weapons" - VHS golem guarding entrance to Blockbuster ruins 2046ad -@UtilityLimb
605+%
606+cut out all cereal mascots open mouths formed them into gate. unprepared for the Milk Zone within. bones soggy, dissolving. this is my end -@UtilityLimb
607+%
608+celeb tabloids only reporting which famous mountains are eating too much expanding rapidly. AP reporting it too #ominousevents -@UtilityLimb
609+%
610+please hurry @favstar. need to know who likes my tweets about the absurd fever dream that is modern man's perception of value+fulfillment -@UtilityLimb
611+%
612+Keep horking, I'm revolting -@UtilityLimb
613+%
614+@woodmuffin i have lots of skin!! i keep it in my basement -@UtilityLimb
615+%
616+@OFFICIALpizza thank you but it'd lose its pizazz if my forearm read "667" -@UtilityLimb
617+%
618+What Did Taco PLay At Carnival? Guac-A-Mole! for more joke see my fake celeb twitter here inside screeching cave that emanate snake shadows -@UtilityLimb
619+%
620+turns out this mystery porn where you have to unravel how&why its porn is not porn at all. planetarium staff bein real jerks about it too :/ -@UtilityLimb
621+%
622+"Enjoy the laughs, Cosmo. For they shall be... your last!" said Dark Kramer as he placed the klan hood on the voodoo doll -@UtilityLimb
623+%
624+last entry in tattered, bloodstained antiquing blog: ALL AROUND US NOW. MORE CRESTING HORIZON. "ANCIENT HAIR LOOMS" SIGN NOT MISSPELLED -@UtilityLimb
625+%
626+"I shall face my demons on the Battlescape of the mind" said Kramer as he charged up did Cosmo Power Slide through The Doors of Perception -@UtilityLimb
627+%
628+each sphere of BurritoGeist techniques is powered by its corresponding SauceGem (Mild/Hot/Fire), which you can find- hm? no i dont work here -@UtilityLimb
629+%
630+criminals dont care when pelted w/ hungry ratties. shoulda come up w/ hero power idea 1st ¬ based it all on "MICE TO EAT YOU" catchphrase -@UtilityLimb
631+%
632+Dog just poop again! Facebook not only thing that need DISLIKE BUTTON! *lifts shirt to reveal huge smiley-shaped wound that keeps winking* -@UtilityLimb
633+%
634+netfame a double edged sword. all my fav romhacks retweeting me but also rearranging my inside levels (breathing/digesting impossibly hard) -@UtilityLimb
635+%
636+it was over the fucking line to say my cat is "The Bud Light of Cats" -@UtilityLimb
637+%
638+should've actually read Criterion Cat Weekly before submitting my cat for review. 100+ pages comparing cat vital fluids to the taste of wine -@UtilityLimb
639+%
640+i have journeyed beyond the limits of human consciousness but wu-tang chambers 28 through 36 are mostly empty with lots of missing textures -@UtilityLimb
641+%
642+@Bro_Pair >use HANGAR on STOVE for LIKE 1800 SECONDS -@UtilityLimb
643+%
644+Wu-Tang Chamber #1 (Tunnels) -@UtilityLimb
645+%
646+dog knows CPR but won't give it to you #newstereotypes -@UtilityLimb
647+%
648+a red-tusked teether! a cloven-hoofed crawler! a scaly-diapered screecher! how many more extinct species of baby live on this weird island?! -@UtilityLimb
649+%
650+Insaneclownpossea Brown and the Case of the Employment-Hindering Tattoo -@UtilityLimb
651+%
652+@J_Chastain here in dreary futurescape of TERRORWOLF'S 8-PHONELINE BBS we spend our entire lives inside 100' cubes -@UtilityLimb
653+%
654+take my cool ghostface killah. i don't have any nugs. -@UtilityLimb
655+%
656+Factual Errors: Gender reassignment surgery can not be performed on a car bomb to disarm it. -@UtilityLimb
657+%
658+"IF INGESTED CONTACT POISON CONTROL IMMEDIATELY" ahahaha nice try, bleach warning label, but i know what today is ;) -@UtilityLimb
659+%
660+COOL FOOL PRANK: label 3 pigs '1' '2' and '4' and be so physically repulsive even your family peers just assume you're '3' -@UtilityLimb
661+%
662+@MikesRadTwites PRANK: label three final fantasies 4, 6, and 7. now watch a bunch of moron gaijins not know you had to import FF5 -@UtilityLimb
663+%
664+label 3 pigs Eender, Fender, Hender and watch the heteronormatives scramble to find what doesn't exist -@UtilityLimb
665+%
666+APRIL FOOLS DAY HAS BEEN OVER FOR 13 AGONIZING HOURS NOW PLEASE LET ME BACK INTO THE CHASING AMY WEBRING!!!! -@UtilityLimb
667+%
668+build a south korea south of your school. now the teachers and bullies are in north korea suffering horrible famine. #lifehacks -@UtilityLimb
669+%
670+GREAT b-day haul!! got a ring with my birthstone (opal) a network of sectors + zones filled with my birthgas (nerve) -@UtilityLimb
671+%
672+.@tacobell lost for 6 days now in floors 70-80 of Taco Tower Value Meal. not even any food in here. just traps. why do you sell this -@UtilityLimb
673+%
674+Hail To The Chimp 2: Shale To The Chimp not a kids movie at all!! they beat crush chimp with rocks for 2hrs!! PLEASE someone help chimp :( -@UtilityLimb
675+%
676+hmm... seems your HMO will cover the basic ultrasound but you'll have to pay out-of-pocket for bloom fx rag doll baby physics -@UtilityLimb
677+%
678+for 3 years now everyone's old friendster pages have been posting in languages no one speaks on pictures of us in places we've never been -@UtilityLimb
679+%
680+not only did my school think i was human when really i was otherkin (sonic born in man body), but that i was obese when really #iwasthinkin -@UtilityLimb
681+%
682+"no one man should have all matt lauer" but i do&all 60 lauer cards in my today show magic the gathering deck are dominating this lunchtable -@UtilityLimb
683+%
684+@Wood_Thrush you laugh because i'm different. i don't laugh and am respectfully silent. let's end cyberbullying make the net a better place. -@UtilityLimb
685+%
686+that's gay as hell dude... [later, in hospital burn ward]: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNEW THERE WAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL BEING NAMED "HELL DUDE" -@UtilityLimb
687+%
688+In. Four Point One Miles. Turn Right. At. East Main Strrrzzï½zkï½ssï½sï½ï½ï½ IN ONE POINT SSSSEVEN ï¼ï¼©ï¼¬ï¼¥ï¼³ï¼³ï¼³ TURN LEFT INTO GIANT ï¼ï¼¥ï¼´ï¼¡ï¼¬ SSSSNAKE ï¼ï¼¡ï¼· -@UtilityLimb
689+%
690+Steam Bullying -@UtilityLimb
691+%
692+i know it's nerdy to use hashtags outside of twitter but i felt it was important to mention #BeybladeManslaughterRegrets during my trial -@UtilityLimb
693+%
694+it's a jump to conclusions cliff! with CONCLUSIONS you can JUMP TO [winding river in valley below spells out "my fansub empire has fallen"] -@UtilityLimb
695+%
696+~â¥â¥â¥~ GRANDMA LOVES HER SPECIAL GRANDSON ~â¥â¥â¥~ BUT NEEDS HER PILLS TO LIVE ~â¥â¥â¥~ PLEASE UN-"ROMHACK" THE MEDICINE CABINET ~â¥â¥â¥~ -@UtilityLimb
697+%
698+disparity between "net weight" and "gross weight" observed during first encounter with girl from net -@UtilityLimb
699+%
700+we woke up one morning and fell a little further down, for sure it's the valley of death. i open up my wallet and it's full of spring snakes -@UtilityLimb
701+%
702+i meant "score touchdowns with good passes" when i said "destroy their team with perfect spirals" but those vortexes are cool too, MATHSKULL -@UtilityLimb
703+%
704+the best thing about working here is the gigantic arm on the roof that picks up lesser buildings and throws them into the sea -@UtilityLimb
705+%
706+The system goes online Aug. 4th, 1997. Human contact is removed from system interaction. Shynet begins to edit wikipedia at a geometric rate -@UtilityLimb
707+%
708+free-spirited baby builds solar-powered diaper-changer and lives "off the crib" -@UtilityLimb
709+%
710+putting cool gothic steeples everywhere was my trademark as an architect and i'll be damned if i change that now that i'm a plastic surgeon -@UtilityLimb
711+%
712+that's reverse racism *guy driving racism truck puts it in reverse and backs over me and the other whites helping to push it out of a ditch* -@UtilityLimb
713+%
714+STOP pouring out muscle milk 40s to honor your fallen bros!! curb outside the gym dangerously swole and veiny, impossible to navigate -@UtilityLimb
715+%
716+Can't believe the hateful ignorance at this Osama death party. I'm not a "baby" bald eagle. The diaper isn't part of the costume. -@UtilityLimb
717+%
718+australia's distinctive kidney-like shape inspired the british to use it as a renal colony -@UtilityLimb
719+%
720+you ever see the back of a dungeon master's guide... ON MEAD?! #BadInvites -@UtilityLimb
721+%
722+yes you "put the MOTH back in MOTHER'S DAY" but please take it back out!! sunlight unable to penetrate the mothosphere. our crops are dying -@UtilityLimb
723+%
724+@woodmuffin *ties rope coming out of my pants to rocket* for centuries, man could only dream of murdering his balls into the castratosphere⦠-@UtilityLimb
725+%
726+DOGS--- They call me 3 Wise Men 'cause I brought treats and keep asking who's the Good Boy :] -@UtilityLimb
727+%
728+SLOW DOWN!! that's an unmarked cop, see the spotlight growing out his neck? [cop starts screaming while his eyes spin flash red/blue] FUCK -@UtilityLimb
729+%
730+oh COOL! turns out that meter is the crib's limit break bar! kinda wish i hadn't found that out when my son was in it tho. grieving real bad -@UtilityLimb
731+%
732+nice Q4 expense report... faggot *loads up presentation featuring Excel 2k'11 Exclusive Pre-Order DLC Data Column (Skin: NightFax)* -@UtilityLimb
733+%
734+that pronunciation book guy is starting to creep me out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdYlmamudFo -@UtilityLimb
735+%
736+hey what's a slug's least favorite music? SALTernative! [muffled laughter is heard from dimebag's "grave"] hahah i KNEW you were faking it -@UtilityLimb
737+%
738+bURY ME RIGHT-SIDE-UP WHEN I DIE SO THE FUCKED UP HOLLOW EARTH WORLD THAT I CAN PROVE EXISTS (SEE MY TUMBLR) CAN KISS MY ASS -@UtilityLimb
739+%
740+Brutalism Is My Favorite Architectural Style And Also Dog Petting Technique -@UtilityLimb
741+%
742+after learning that my definition of a "hipster" was entirely wrong, i have renamed my blog accordingly: www.LookAtThisFuckingSaltMarsh.com -@UtilityLimb
743+%
744+@woodmuffin my legs are so skinny, i egret that i got addicted to heron :( -@UtilityLimb
745+%
746+ha ha ha i'm the mayor and i spent NIGHT CITY's entire budget on fog machines! yeah try to impeach me *vanishes into dark smoky alley AGAIN* -@UtilityLimb
747+%
748+While his daughter remained unaffected by the years of abuse, her stick figure likeness on the back of Dorian Gray's SUV did not... -@UtilityLimb
749+%
750+EASTER EGG: drag the google street view dude onto a pic of a sleeping friend to enter his dream explore his deepest fears in full panorama -@UtilityLimb
751+%
752+i am back but do not wish to discuss what i found in the vine-covered ruins of the worlds largest hummer limo (500 feet wide / 9 miles deep) -@UtilityLimb
753+%
754+titanic bro wrecked by natty iceberg -@UtilityLimb
755+%
756+"this is DOPE dude but its more of a ManAbyss than a ManCave, y'know?" - me, plummeting watching the game on a 78" tv (also plummeting) -@UtilityLimb
757+%
758+A screaming deep in the mouth tunnels. Teeth Miner's pickax dislodges a vein of enamel ore. A swarm of tongues fails to defend their hive. -@UtilityLimb
759+%
760+all cars with rear-view cameras make youtube accounts and subscribe to each other, liking any video where the car backs over a dog or child -@UtilityLimb
761+%
762+#askobama whats the opposite of pareidolia how do i stop the faceless ones from screaming "AN ENERGY DRINK⦠FOR YOUR IPHONE!!" over over -@UtilityLimb
763+%
764+installed TrapOS on my netbook and now half my folders just have a skull gif inside that gives me a severe electric shock upon loading -@UtilityLimb
765+%
766+man blogs the merits of "Living Off The Grid" while living off McRib -@UtilityLimb
767+%
768+"DEVOURED BY THE INFINITE SNAKE" not a very good death sentence. been following the body for miles now and still haven't found the mouth -@UtilityLimb
769+%
770+Heather Levine and 6 other's friends just posted cries for help in Facebook Darkened Place! Do not try to aid them. -@UtilityLimb
771+%
772+the sign reads: "YOU CROSSING". you run over a small car driven by a small you. a huge you crushes you in its huge car. #ominousstreetsigns -@UtilityLimb
773+%
774+We had time to regret bombing Casual Male XL into a million pieces, it took days for the million Casual Male XXXXXXSs to eat us cell by cell -@UtilityLimb
775+%
776+"Give back Bandit's gold medal, he did not use performance-enhancing bugs" - the Olympic Tweet Committee, as I held them captive at bugpoint -@UtilityLimb
777+%
778+man i know he says Dark Dog is the one leaving the turds everywhere but i am like 90% certain Dark Dog isn't real and Regular Dog is lying -@UtilityLimb
779+%
780+I DID NOT KNOW @HugeCgiFaceFromThatBoneThugsNHarmonyVid WAS A VERIFIED ACCOUNT WHEN I OFFERED IT $6 TO APPEAR ON MY WALLS EAT MY FURNITURE -@UtilityLimb
781+%
782+148 friends just liked every one of your facebook photos where you can see into your ear. their profile pictures are all earwigs. -@UtilityLimb
783+%
784+closer inspection reveals club full of bros in affliction shirts just club full of bros in regular shirts being eaten by winged skulls -@UtilityLimb
785+%
786+thankful for @boyscouts work lowering homeless rate by 98% but still waiting for explanation regarding new "BONE SMELTING" merit badges -@UtilityLimb
787+%
788+gucci in the kaaba chanting all 99 manes of gucci -@UtilityLimb
789+%
790+SEXT: fired from guard job at ooze factory when 3 stacked slime blobs posing as man in hat+trenchcoat trick me eat all the company ooze :( -@UtilityLimb
791+%
792+@Arr seattle space needle waitstaff watching me die of starvation but refusing to stop serving burgers impaled atop impossibly tall spires -@UtilityLimb
793+%
794+Ecto-Cooler fondly remembered by Uncool Endomorph -@UtilityLimb
795+%
796+dude accusing me of argumentum ad hominem quickly silenced when i lift my shirt and commit argumentum ab perfectum -@UtilityLimb
797+%
798+at a starting line. no blood drawn, just poured into moaning race cars made of pulsing muscles+veins. this BLOOD DRIVE not what i expected -@UtilityLimb
799+%
800+netflix will mail you ducks w/ QWAKSTER :D *tweet accidentally uncovers huge underground duck smuggling operation. im found beaked to death* -@UtilityLimb
801+%
802+all 100,000 youtubes recording the sudden weird slurpy/oozing sound outside taken down due to dmca complaint by CONGLOMERATED LEECHES CORP. -@UtilityLimb
803+%
804+"ugh, there arent murders in my backyard. its like a woodshed" - me, EVERY FUCKING TIME i tell someone theyre being taken to The Blood Shed -@UtilityLimb
805+%
806+Ingredients: aqua (water, eau), stearic acid, glycerin, â°â°â° WIT©H Hâ²ZEL â°â°â°, lavender extract, -@UtilityLimb
807+%
808+.@McDonaldsCorp refusing to supersize shows up on receipt as "[EVIL DIALOG OPTION]"? now im hissing+slithering uncontrollably whats going on -@UtilityLimb
809+%
810+Amendment 69: Keep track so we don't accidentally make an amendment 69 until we come up with something sick as hell for it #FailedAmendments -@UtilityLimb
811+%
812+trickle-down economics is what happens when you put the invisible hand of the sleeping market in some warm water -@UtilityLimb
813+%
814+@brendlewhat "Why Is Obama Regulating The Market When He Can't Even Keep Me Regular" Asks Constipated Elderly Man -@UtilityLimb
815+%
816+Mario and Sonic just decimate my ass hole classmates in what I call a "pROM Hack" #TerriblePromThemes -@UtilityLimb
817+%
818+@J_Chastain the last 20 weird al singles were all called "I WANT A NEW BLOOD" so were his last 20 last meal requests (he keeps respawning) -@UtilityLimb
819+%
820+strange cult-like political cartoonist gang terrorizes the streets. my son and dog now labeled "KEYNESIAN DREAD" and "WELFARE TUNNELS" -@UtilityLimb
821+%
822+i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. keeps craning. head unscrews entirely. out of the hole pour jewels mysteries* -@UtilityLimb
823+%
824+Putting the Post-Op back in Post-Apocalyptic #NaNoWriMoTaglines -@UtilityLimb
825+%
826+we don't know how long the dollar bill eye has been on top of the food pyramid. we just eat it as we're told (sparingly) -@UtilityLimb
827+%
828+i love this old school pixel art style! [scoops up eats the primordial ooze all life has reverted to] fuckin zelda man! [dies in volcano] -@UtilityLimb
829+%
830+some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer] -@UtilityLimb
831+%
832+he descends with no snacks, just a miner's lamp and a pistol. hours later he limps out of the vending machine. it's fully restocked. -@UtilityLimb
833+%
834+siskels 2012 reviews just shit like YOULL LAUGH SO HARD YOU MURDER/FEEL GOOD MURDER OF THE SUMMER cant be deleted off IMDB or my voicemail -@UtilityLimb
835+%
836+Diaper Council, I must confess: the Diaper Pharaoh is a fake. I just ate the top leg bandages off a mummy. [No one boos. No one is there.] -@UtilityLimb
837+%
838+found 4 sectors deep inside netflix core: a 2006 eazy-e film that rips off "friday" except eazy's trapped alone in a mine. 82,000 minutes. -@UtilityLimb
839+%
840+front side of flyer: "HOW TO KEEP WALL STREET OCCUPIED" IN 72PT FONT | back: A LOT OF COOL ACTIVITIES (MAZES, PUZZLES, COLORING) + KIDS MENU -@UtilityLimb
841+%
842+THE KRUMPSTER ISNT A DUDE RENOWNED FOR KRUMPING BUT IN FACT A DUMPSTER FULL OF DEAD KRUMPERS - warning krumped in blood outside temple ruins -@UtilityLimb
843+%
844+BEST SELLING STOCK PHOTOS: [man crying, bugs by feet], [man crying, legs submerged in bugs], [man crying, up to neck in bugs], [just bugs] -@UtilityLimb
845+%
846+CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS inscribed on the Statue of Cleanliness. next to it: a statue bodyslamming the concept of disrespecting apps -@UtilityLimb
847+%
848+for each retweet we will donate one (1) DISCOMFORT SNAKE into @j_chastain's vital tubing next time he is this tardy updating monsterkillers -@UtilityLimb
849+%
850+smallest pixel grid on which a skull can be drawn is 5x4. largest is 15,000x12,000 (any larger and skull will overpower+consume its creator) -@UtilityLimb
851+%
852+girl⦠*taking off shirt* lemme show ya why it called HUMP day *camel humps grow all over my body. im a lumpy fleshball. i roll into a ditch* -@UtilityLimb
853+%
854+all new threadless tees got a pic of you wearing a shirt with the same pic on it. in each recursion you're 20 years older with 20 more teeth -@UtilityLimb
855+%
856+HONORING STEVE BY GETTING EJECTED FROM ARBYS FOR ILLEGALLY OPTIMIZING BURGERFLOW USING HYPERCARD. IVE HONORED HIM THIS WAY DAILY FOR 19YEARS -@UtilityLimb
857+%
858+real cookie monster is blue+fuzzy like on sesame street except IRL he's spread out over my old bread and causes BAD tummy ruckus when eaten -@UtilityLimb
859+%
860+a dog's nose is his doorbell, don't push it *DINGWOOF* dude what did i JUST SAY [hatch opens on top of dog. a smaller dog pops his head out] -@UtilityLimb
861+%
862+NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT ADMITTING HOMOSEXUALITY. CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO THE OTHER MILLIPEDES COMING OUT MY SINUSES -@UtilityLimb
863+%
864+a weathered pentium. hollowed oak in desktop background hides a folder within. chatlogs of a young love. a lost love. a tragedy. a skull gif -@UtilityLimb
865+%
866+parrotfish can imitate voices perfectly but only things people say while drowning -@UtilityLimb
867+%
868+why does facebook keep recommending i add "THE STRANGER" and how does he keep tagging himself in my peripheral vision -@UtilityLimb
869+%
870+the worst file spill in history as DATA TANKER capsizes. thousands of hermit crabs found wearing CYBER CRIMES for shells. -@UtilityLimb
871+%
872+dude the 9 of dogs isn't a real card. even if it was, it'd be like, an actual card. you just drew a 9 on my dog. -@UtilityLimb
873+%
874+stop asking siri if it's genesises or geneses. there's no amount of segas you can bribe the cop with to get back your "CRIME DIAPERS" -@UtilityLimb
875+%
876+I'm not doubting that you're 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can't cite "BOG WISDOM" -@UtilityLimb
877+%
878+nobody knows how horses learned bee ways. they down there in that sewer hive. makin that black honey that keeps leakin out our wall sockets. -@UtilityLimb
879+%
880+they say the neighbor kid got down there. saw the horse queen. cant even talk no more. just builds those horse effigies outta blood sausage. -@UtilityLimb
881+%
882+STOP RETWEETING YOUR CRYSTALS. I KNOW THEY'RE "STORING ENERGY." THAT'S ALL THEY EVER DO -@UtilityLimb
883+%
884+@fart do you think anyone ever saw a dude who invented is wearing HONEY HUGGIES combo beehive+diaper because thats me i need a ambulance -@UtilityLimb
885+%
886+the wind wolves howled warnings of big pizza. we thought it was about corporations. under the 'za canopy, our children don't remember sky. -@UtilityLimb
887+%
888+do you have any feng shui themes other than "CHASMS" or any installment plans other than "AGAINST YOUR WILL" -@UtilityLimb
889+%
890+[wakes up circled by flock of elderly in motorchairs bumping me as their text2speech units repeat 'NO'] yah LETS GO CAMPING great idea idiot -@UtilityLimb
891+%
892+how many more retweet you get when noun replaced with dog. how many more friend you get when self replaced with dog. #doggameshows #surgery -@UtilityLimb
893+%
894+Petroleum fucking sucks now. It was good back when it was underground but now it's mainstream garbage. -@UtilityLimb
895+%
896+sorry bandit not respond to @ tweets but he always read them check if youre a girl if your pic is in the first 600 pages of your tumblr -@UtilityLimb
897+%
898+Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE -@UtilityLimb
899+%
900+>>>FUNNY VID <<< >>>PLEASE CLICK<<< SHOWOFF DOG WALKING ON 2 LEGS DRAGGED INTO RIFT BY JEALOUS DOG WALKING ON 60 LEGS -@UtilityLimb
901+%
902+dude you need to change your password pronto. your monoliths have been dawning some weird-ass malware ages all day -@UtilityLimb
903+%
904+new crime race: gunkers | crime ability: gooping up sacred nooks crannies | allies: time, sediment | enemies: the trash-eaters, education -@UtilityLimb
905+%
906+Ep 758: MacGyver cyberbullies a collapsed mine shaft, freeing the miners. Ep 759: MacGyver cyberbullies a man's heart, resuscitating him. -@UtilityLimb
907+%
908+can you update this medic alert bracelet with my juggalo name (WICKED WHEELS) + juggalo health issues (SCARAPLEGIA, DIABETES TYPE 2 DOPE) -@UtilityLimb
909+%
910+Intro to 16th Century Juggaliterature -@UtilityLimb
911+%
912+I don't know which tweet of mine has the most retweets and I'm never crippled by the fear that I'll never top it #TweetLikeANormalPersonDay -@UtilityLimb
913+%
914+finally a movie just like the ones you loved as a kid: Two Hours of Confusion Frequently Interrupted by Authority Figures Covering Your Eyes -@UtilityLimb
915+%
916+that hospital gurney scene in Jacob's Ladder except you're going backwards chronologically through everything you've said on the internet -@UtilityLimb
917+%
918+SWAMP SQUAD actually a very ineffective crime crew :/ whole group is mired in bureaucracy + actual mire -@UtilityLimb
919+%
920+Do not risk traversing the ash. Come, we've networked every Hobby Lobby with a series of Hobby Tunnels in preparation for this very world. -@UtilityLimb
921+%
922+SELECT ELEMENTAL SPHERE: [FIR] [LIT] [ICE] //// YOU HAVE CHOSEN: [FIR] //// ABILITY: GROW PINE CONE //// WHY DID YOU PICK FIR -@UtilityLimb
923+%
924+SLIMECORP just unveiled 2034's DOPEST new birth defects! what a great time to be alive + exiled to the sprawling sewer maze beneath MEGACITY -@UtilityLimb
925+%
926+A sign depicting a shadowy abomination mauling a child. Beneath it is a warning not to greet any of the exhibits here at The Hater Zoo -@UtilityLimb
927+%
928+at the risk of sounding like ancient screeching machinery, [extends excavator arm sifts through applebees rubble, searching for artifacts] -@UtilityLimb
929+%
930+#RememberThe90s i do + desperately wish i was whatever young age you have to be to find enjoyment in 50,000 girls running artsy porn tumblrs -@UtilityLimb
931+%
932+wow! can't believe i found a place to buy a wolf pupy online! [opens huge box labeled WASP PUPAE] -@UtilityLimb
933+%
934+if you aren't CRIMEGOD, explain this [plays tape of defendant saying stuff like OH FOR CRIME OUT LOUD and THAT'S A CRIME SHAME] [jury gasps] -@UtilityLimb
935+%
936+Oakland PD illegally siding w/ Old Country Buffet RE: whose fault is it I got stuck between a sneeze guard the macaroni vat #OccupyOakland -@UtilityLimb
937+%
938+AUTHORITY has given you +F in Freedom Points for category: Obedience. For more info please open computer to visit GoverNet. The only website -@UtilityLimb
939+%
940+keep getting the same weird phone message from both the Healthy Diet Society and the Malevolent Beekeeper Society: "ARBY'S WILL KILL YOU" -@UtilityLimb
941+%
942+me? i called a roadside WEB DESIGN ad. got lost in touch tone menus so long i became one. press 1 for fax noise, 2 for the creaking of wood. -@UtilityLimb
943+%
944+cops chase a man into a TV showing the same episode of cops. bad boys plays, but i cant hear it. my dog is making that powerline sound again -@UtilityLimb
945+%
946+Oh My God The DJ Put My Dinner On The Turntable!! The Club Is Going Wild To This Electro House Meal!! Please Stop I Am Very Hungry!! -@UtilityLimb
947+%
948+contact solution instruction pics: [5000 tribals wash a huge lens] [it is an offering to SUN EYE] [SUN EYE's rays+tears nourish their crops] -@UtilityLimb
949+%
950+A satellite image of the desert that was once the Pacific. Dry ocean trenches spell out a message: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL OFF -@UtilityLimb
951+%
952+horse ebooks everywhere now. no one can say anything but horsetweets. i beg them to stop, but i am ignored. they continue to build the tower -@UtilityLimb
953+%
954+halloween is the only day when it's socially acceptable for a girl to dress like a PIT FULL OF SPIDERS. DUDE TRUST ME IT'S A GIRL. GET IN IT -@UtilityLimb
955+%
956+HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY COSTUME? I'M THE FEELING OF DESPAIR WHEN SIMPSONS WAS OVER THE OPENING THEME OF COACH BEGAN TO PLAY -@UtilityLimb
957+%
958+no one at this party appreciates that i dressed up as myself :/ also they don't appreciate that i'm a deluge of eels -@UtilityLimb
959+%
960+"we dare not put it out," says the fireman, "its klout is much too high." a baby spambot retweets him, alerting a hungry owl to its presence -@UtilityLimb
961+%
962+most emotional halloween decoration 2011 was DEF that crystal ball that shows your ipods standing on a cliffside gazing out over the sea.... -@UtilityLimb
963+%
964+in retrospect, switching to a cavern-based society was good in that it eliminated cyberbullying but bad in that it introduced spiderbullying -@UtilityLimb
965+%
966+There I was, the first Libertarian President of bark bark damn it mom the dog stays outside this is my speech-to-text time #NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb
967+%
968+tonight: dogs. are they funny? or a crutch for the unoriginal? we ask bandit, a man who keeps a mental list of girls that like his twitter -@UtilityLimb
969+%
970+"It was the barks of times, it was the woofs of times #NaNoWriMo," I tweeted. The bait worked, the girls swooped in to retweet my dog joke -@UtilityLimb
971+%
972+WELCOME⦠TO MY SUBTERRARIUM LAIR [terrarium falls and shatters as couch cushion fort supporting it gives way] [all my turtles escape] NOoo!! -@UtilityLimb
973+%
974+Oakland PD violate the Geneva Convention as they hold signs saying THIS IS YOU play Zach de la Rocha's internal monologue over a bullhorn -@UtilityLimb
975+%
976+Steve "Third" Reich had been pummeling Philip in the exact same place for hours. It was the night of broken Glass. -@UtilityLimb
977+%
978+after some years, you start to intuit which landscapes self-identify as one of us. [rubs eroded cliff] yes⦠these are wicked clown badlands⦠-@UtilityLimb
979+%
980+It was always my favorite collective noun, but today "A Simulacra of Kreayshawns" became the holodeck setting I married⦠#NaNoWriMoOpeners -@UtilityLimb
981+%
982+craigslist > personals > men seeking women > IT'S COLD OUTSIDE BUT IT'S WARM IN MY COMPOST HEAP :] -@UtilityLimb
983+%
984+how do you get a twitter girl to ask for your pic and how do you photograph six miles of eel-infested coral so it looks like a cute boy -@UtilityLimb
985+%
986+.@klout can i set my profile to "joke mode" so it knows i only login "for a laugh" and won't tell everyone i visited klout 45 days in a row? -@UtilityLimb
987+%
988+ONE BIG .RAR, FULL OF DOG PICTURES -@UtilityLimb
989+%
990+"I guess you could say that I have a 'Type A' personality." - me, falling off a cliff, typing "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" into a tweet -@UtilityLimb
991+%
992+remember the PSAs with NOTION CRIMINAL? lol did he ever get out of the punishment vats or is he still down there shrieking #RememberThe2060s -@UtilityLimb
993+%
994+Everybody Welcome Our Special Guest: Garfield! [sewer people limp out onto stage] Wow This Cat Love To Eat! [they beg for medicine+supplies] -@UtilityLimb
995+%
996+[steals idol from Tomb of Heavy D] [suddenly realizes it's the Tomb of Heavy Dimebag] [chased down corridor by boulder-sized Dimebag Darrel] -@UtilityLimb
997+%
998+RIP this dancefloor, killed by my 6 hour W.A.S.P. megamix -@UtilityLimb
999+%
1000+slimy compost man crawl out my gutter and live on my couch. he still think hipster jokes really funny. he stuff my fridge full of muckleaves -@UtilityLimb
1001+%
1002+dude, you GOTTA see this GIF! [gif is you dying while watching the gif. you look up but im gone so is every exit leading out of applebees] -@UtilityLimb
1003+%
1004+a tribe of white girls roaming a blighted earth. every trace of life turned into a folk song cover and put on youtube. there is nothing left -@UtilityLimb
1005+%
1006+Mysteries, puzzles, queries and more afflicting people you follow. Bandit was perplexed by: The Moon. "do bird live there. can i live there" -@UtilityLimb
1007+%
1008+human body got 1 thousand secret muscles: inside neck, under bed, oozing out faucet, rising from pond. untapped power yearning for discovery -@UtilityLimb
1009+%
1010+"they aint gon bitecha. just gon goop around on ya lookin fer contraband" said the cop, pouring hundreds of drug sniffing snails into my car -@UtilityLimb
1011+%
1012+farfield just LOVES lasagna!! i think. i'm not really sure. *squints at far off orange dot that never gets closer no matter where you are* -@UtilityLimb
1013+%
1014+hidden passage under man cave leads to impossibly manlier cave. towering beastman with toilet pecs bars my entry to the pulsing musclescape. -@UtilityLimb
1015+%
1016+monday. the MURDERED bin is empty. the UNMURDERED bin is brimming with balls. i can not bring myself to pick up my hammer. i refresh favstar -@UtilityLimb
1017+%
1018+"our favorite food, band, and lie is cake" said the 5000 girls (wish 1) in my castle (wish 2), but i could not die (wish 3). fuck that genie -@UtilityLimb
1019+%
1020+RT @acharringgrill: @thebibandit hey i redit your avatar http://t.co/Ke9tclpW -@UtilityLimb
1021+%
1022+@acharringgrill that owns!! love your drawings. a game should exist of your strange minimal/"crude" landscape drawings http://t.co/vGfrFpru -@UtilityLimb
1023+%
1024+BIG SORRY to everyone hurt by my misconception of a "news aggregator"!! please call animal control if you see an alligator in a press hat -@UtilityLimb
1025+%
1026+>>RT<< if you're lost in an endless desert of those fenced-in power substation things. is anyone else alive. can i charge my phone on these. -@UtilityLimb
1027+%
1028+Thoughts Expressed Here Are NOT My Employer's! They're Mine Even Though I Can't Form Actual Thoughts Can Only Parrot Confusion Into A Void -@UtilityLimb
1029+%
1030+Great Deals On Photos From The Wedding You Went To 87 Years Ago! Buy 2 8x11s Get Free Rations + Gas Mask + Skull Granting Entry To Undercity -@UtilityLimb
1031+%
1032+@J_Chastain i still jump to grab the bread from the flying toaster. even if i can't reach. even if i can't remember when i still had a mouth -@UtilityLimb
1033+%
1034+NO CONNECTION BETWEEN MY ROOM-FOR-RENT NOT SHOWING UP ON GOOGLE MAPS THAT PILE OF BLOODY TORN OPEN GOOGLE MAPS CARS OUT FRONT. COME ON IN -@UtilityLimb
1035+%
1036+WARNING: do NOT join the pen15 club!! it is NOT what you think!! weird-ass bloodletting rituals not a damn dick in sight⦠-@UtilityLimb
1037+%
1038+so good to see him reintroduced to his natural habitat [jurassic park dino frolics + spits acid, chasing 100s of newmans thru a barren maze] -@UtilityLimb
1039+%
1040+first of all, "dine and ditch" means to eat and not pay. second, if the whole denny's fell in, what you dug is more of a canyon than a ditch -@UtilityLimb
1041+%
1042+STOP SHOWING ME PEPPER SPRAY COP!! SHIT'S GETTING OLD!! - me, in pentagon sub-sector 14, to the tour guide showing me 2 billion cloning pods -@UtilityLimb
1043+%
1044+waitin for another cool bandit joke? me too! its my only source of validation im at the whim of intangible creativity. pls RT. i need this -@UtilityLimb
1045+%
1046+Special Buy Nothing Day Sale!! Great Deals On: [ HOLES | VOIDS | SILENCE | NUMBNESS ] whisper coupon code "hello?" into a disconnected phone -@UtilityLimb
1047+%
1048+ignore my last tweet about "FEELIN' IRIE"⦠organ bank called the cops on me i guess irie is some rastafarian thing not the plural of iris. -@UtilityLimb
1049+%
1050+We do not make our cop riot gear look like "batman suits w/ fake muscles." We harvest REAL muscle from vat-grown steroid-enhanced criminals. -@UtilityLimb
1051+%
1052+sick!! skrillex collabbin' w/ EVERYONE now!! kinda spreading himself thin though. didn't feel all that different losing a leg to "dubabetes" -@UtilityLimb
1053+%
1054+anyone can make a webcomic, watch [spends 8 years digging a deadly underground chamber filled w/ sphinxes] [dies] â¦blinded by my own hubris⦠-@UtilityLimb
1055+%
1056+living off nothing but bacon fat is a bad idea [huge arm stamps #ManCarbRevoked on my forehead] [real smart buff dude gives me a talkin' to] -@UtilityLimb
1057+%
1058+Please Read: A Personal Threat From The Guy Who Wrote Took Pics For The "Klingon Sword Techniques" Wiki Page (REMOVED DUE TO BS POLITICS) -@UtilityLimb
1059+%
1060+50. 100. 200. Nothing. Finally, 1,000 met the youtube's age restriction. I paid for that lie in tears for all 6:66 of CRAZY FROG PROPHECIES⦠-@UtilityLimb
1061+%
1062+Ahh, now that Movember's over we can start Beecember! [You expect a bee joke, but there's nothing here. Nothing anywhere. This is the end.] -@UtilityLimb
1063+%
1064+horse_ebooks wearin a santa hat in his av! same one i wore today! what do you mean santa hats are soft+fuzzy and not 20sq yards of horseskin -@UtilityLimb
1065+%
1066+Please Eat Your Personal Apples, Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales. These Are Mine. -@UtilityLimb
1067+%
1068+START SEEING MOTORCYCLES. STOP SEEING ANYTHING BUT MOTORCYCLES. BECOME A MOTORCYCLE IN A UNIVERSE THAT IS EXACTLY THE SIZE OF ONE MOTORCYCLE -@UtilityLimb
1069+%
1070+UnTweeting a tweet to make people forget it was a cool feature until our memories of giving it access to work on IRL memories were UnTweeted -@UtilityLimb
1071+%
1072+dogs don't care that 3,000 people died on 9/11 until you explain that it was 21,000 in dog deaths -@UtilityLimb
1073+%
1074+tight pants make me a fag? are these FOUNDING FATHERS of our NATION fags? [punches hole in wall to reveal several mummies eating the wiring] -@UtilityLimb
1075+%
1076+oh no. not opening day 2. already lost my god damn back and neck. shoulda listened to that horse about this Adsense Calendar -@UtilityLimb
1077+%
1078+look sir, legally what you typed on that apple II 17 years ago has to go on the kid's birth cert. don't let ASS BICH get dysentery this time -@UtilityLimb
1079+%
1080+It got weird after the whole Simpson family died. With just minor characters running the show, why even call this a "Simpsons Secret Prison" -@UtilityLimb
1081+%
1082+halloween party, kids in the dark passing around a bowl of "sick drops that fell out skrillex head when he die" (electric eels) #ripskrillex -@UtilityLimb
1083+%
1084+DRUG DEALER TIP: if a dude wants to buy but you don't trust him, throw a frisbee. legally he's gotta run after it if he's a plainclothes dog -@UtilityLimb
1085+%
1086+"HEY! WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE SKYPE DIRECTORY. YOU SEEM COOL! ;)" it shrieks. under the floorboards, you try not to cry. it would hear you. -@UtilityLimb
1087+%
1088+leaked simpsons design doc details exact shade of yellow for daytime homer, nighttime homer, angry homer, blood homer, punishment homer, -@UtilityLimb
1089+%
1090+Your last companion has died of thirst on Google+! Several scavenging birds have been added to the Vulture Circle above you on Google+! -@UtilityLimb
1091+%
1092+[emerges from huge cocoon made of nightmares and dog jokes] [possibly with new abilities...?] [upcoming soon...!] -@UtilityLimb
1093+%
1094+dude one of those unicode smileys meant somethin BAD in another language⦠like 8 mayan cops are here building a zigurat out my lean cuisines -@UtilityLimb
1095+%
1096+"santa baby" is the weirdest christmas song⦠is she asking to be "let out of the contraption"? can't really hear over the sobbing and gears⦠-@UtilityLimb
1097+%
1098+what a terrible merchandising move⦠who has enough land to fit a "SeinField"? or enough weapons to fend off even a single harvest of jerrys? -@UtilityLimb
1099+%
1100+War On Xmas Continues As Neighbors Say Jesus Was Born In A Manger Not "Found In A Mine" That Their Kids Are Trapped In My Nativity Tunnels -@UtilityLimb
1101+%
1102+a huge trash gyre of all the superfluous letters i dropped from words. it spells out every life experience i missed because of social media. -@UtilityLimb
1103+%
1104+big flash mob singing that FIVE GOLDEN RINGS part over and over. everybody in matching robes just tearing shit apart looking for those rings -@UtilityLimb
1105+%
1106+We didn't think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields -@UtilityLimb
1107+%
1108+Our Fall/Winter 2017 Eddie Bauer Turtlenecks Come In Many Colors! Sky Red, Food Ration Grey, Memory Black, Police Invisible [RESTRICTED], -@UtilityLimb
1109+%
1110+a genie trying to explain to jay-z why he can't use his 99th problem to wish for infinite problems -@UtilityLimb
1111+%
1112+kids: the DOPEST rappers dress like cops, know your fears, are to be obeyed in the work pits, can't rap. for more rap trends: WWW.RAP,GOV -@UtilityLimb
1113+%
1114+oooh look at his creepy joke tweets~! i bet he's cute like that IRL not crying + drinking milk out of the carton -@UtilityLimb
1115+%
1116+it looked like rainclouds from afar, but the floating spidermass wa- *THE SPOOKYTWEET CRACKS OPEN. A BABY DUCK HATCHES OUT. MERRY CHRIMAS :] -@UtilityLimb
1117+%
1118+always a steampunk, never esteemed -@UtilityLimb
1119+%
1120+no one ever "gets" my crime name (THE CARNIVORE) when i tell them + they're never around to see it when i eat a carnival :/ -@UtilityLimb
1121+%
1122+thumbs up if a trap shaft sent you here! i mean like, from the outside world, not from another dollar tree subsector. how do you get out -@UtilityLimb
1123+%
1124+that backwards episode of seinfeld starts out cool but gets weird 3 billion years in with all those newmans splitting in half to reproduce -@UtilityLimb
1125+%
1126+eternally i pet this rigid steel dog here in bad tweet hades. this is my punishment for that joke about being "sentenced to hard labrador" -@UtilityLimb
1127+%
1128+after buying animal at store, do not open box. until seen, animal retains all possible animal traits and is unbound to specific animal form. -@UtilityLimb
1129+%
1130+Hello, this is Rachel from Catholder Services. We're calling to inform you about an issue with your cat. He says you aren't holding him. -@UtilityLimb
1131+%
1132+parody twitters of celebs no one recognizes; each making lewd jokes about body parts no one has; each dictated over speakers no one can find -@UtilityLimb
1133+%
1134+Thumbs up if you haven't evolved terrifying pincer hands in 2012!!!!!!!! 47 [symbol of hand with thumb violently pincered off] -@UtilityLimb
1135+%
1136+our office is just like dilbert, but with even crazier characters ;) skullbert (boss), skullbert (building), skullbert (only thing we know) -@UtilityLimb
1137+%
1138+ahhh... remember the 90?? [flashback to entire decade coalescing into one singular moment. everyone's 10 years older + crying] i love the 90 -@UtilityLimb
1139+%
1140+beards dot net beards dot org finally uniting for the good of humankind, but it's too late. the overbeard has breached the compound walls. -@UtilityLimb
1141+%
1142+MMFWCD - messy muthafuckin wickid clown divorce :/ #teencode -@UtilityLimb
1143+%
1144+we left our old words behind when we fled underground. he's making poems out of moss bats. "this one's about wulgus." i know. they all are -@UtilityLimb
1145+%
1146+"You can't just leave knowing Small Business Solutions are in bed with Small Business Mysteries," he said, sealing me into the cubicle maze. -@UtilityLimb
1147+%
1148+Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, knowledge manifests itself in radiant dreams that shimmer like the wild sun. -@UtilityLimb
1149+%
1150+this deluxe playset has many new days your garfield can rue: tuesday, moonday, nightday (endless) + more! plunge him into the depths of fear -@UtilityLimb
1151+%
1152+Review: Doritos (Tunnel Flavor): 200 FEET INTO BAG AND STILL NO CHIPS JUST FUNGUS + ROOT SYSTEMS OF WHAT TASTES LIKE A COOL RANCH TREE GROVE -@UtilityLimb
1153+%
1154+Todd shared a link: "Shit The Omniscient Authority Spire Says." Todd's location was changed from "Drone Warren 72A6-B" to "Reeducation Pods" -@UtilityLimb
1155+%
1156+#ReplaceSongNamesWithWordsThatLookJustLikeTheOldWordsButFeelDistantInAWayYouCant
1157+DescribeAndYouNoLongerRecognizeThePlacesAndPeopleAroundYou -@UtilityLimb
1158+%
1159+don't EVER talk to someone wearing a north face jacket!! if you get caught you will BOTH get eaten by The Great Southern Face -@UtilityLimb
1160+%
1161+condolences but our sponsors wish to remind you that social media is a worthwhile use of what fleeting time precedes the unknowable darkness -@UtilityLimb
1162+%
1163+Critics are calling Government Film's "RELATE EVERYTHING TO FORREST GUMP" propaganda vid the 'Feel Gump Hit Of The Summer!' 'A Slam Gump!' -@UtilityLimb
1164+%
1165+If you get your car behind the cop's you get to give him the ticket. If you get stuck under his car see maps for Cop Car Basement Levels 1-8 -@UtilityLimb
1166+%
1167+[overtaking your eyes and ears, every season of The Nanny plays in your mind's eye], [it happens again], and [a third time] #BadLawFirmNames -@UtilityLimb
1168+%
1169+In light of last week's tragic skelecaust, we now require legal proof that you are a dog before we set your Kickstarter currency to "bones." -@UtilityLimb
1170+%
1171+the @CORPORATION has replied. they do not understand. for a moment you forget the shifting world outside computer that you do not understand -@UtilityLimb
1172+%
1173+ATTN facebook friends: it posts every time you read those news articles. also why are all of you reading "THE HIVE-MASTER'S HOURLY COMMANDS" -@UtilityLimb
1174+%
1175+the horned man hands you the bag of sex jokes for your new comedy twitter. your face begins to trigger the gut reaction of seeing a cop car. -@UtilityLimb
1176+%
1177+dude go to DM. dude pry open the crack between those two DMs. dude crawl down that hole until you hit dirt. dude burrow into the earth until -@UtilityLimb
1178+%
1179+"tears in heaven" is considered metadubstep because it's a song about a sick drop -@UtilityLimb
1180+%
1181+four stumps before you, each over eighty feet wide. majestic beauty stood here for 1000 years until man cut down this Big Dog to make shirts -@UtilityLimb
1182+%
1183+It's hard using the web on THE SLITHERKING'S DAY, but a search for "mice" stops the snakes in the Google logo from coming out your monitor. -@UtilityLimb
1184+%
1185+REMEMBER THE 9Ds: DARKNESS DREAD DESPAIR DYSTOPIA DELUSION DENIAL DESTRUCTION DEATH DOG. STOP LAUGHING. WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THAT ONE -@UtilityLimb
1186+%
1187+Those [ANCIENT RUINS] to the north were once the [GREAT SOCIAL MEDIA TEMPLE]. I hear there are [TREASURES] inside which [DELAY THE SADNESS]. -@UtilityLimb
1188+%
1189+Depression shakes his head. "I'm lost just like you, dude. I can't escape death either." He resumes crushing you and fostering media content -@UtilityLimb
1190+%
1191+deleted tweets fall through the earth into a forlorn cave full of all your childhood pets. "what's a brony" they say. "why'd you let me die" -@UtilityLimb
1192+%
1193+"There Must Be A Better Way!!" says future inventor of duck print gift wrap, desperately trying to cram his son's birthday legos into a duck -@UtilityLimb
1194+%
1195+a reply w/ a less words than you wrote means they don't wanna talk. a reply w/ negative words means you emailed a Memory Eater (CALL POLICE) -@UtilityLimb
1196+%
1197+a new high is sweeping the teen-munity: mousing over the "delete profile" button+crying as insuperable vanity binds you to this time cancer. -@UtilityLimb
1198+%
1199+Elder Statesman Posting About Ron Paul Secretly Just Elder Scrollsman -@UtilityLimb
1200+%
1201+A good pun is like a good steak: CARVED FROM AN ENSNARED IDEA MONSTER. ITS PACK HOWLS FOR VENGEANCE AND CLOSES IN. THE RTs WERE NOT WORTH IT -@UtilityLimb
1202+%
1203+what about ultraviolet history month when we suddenly saw the secret colors on the flowers and lost every earthly yearning but to pollinate -@UtilityLimb
1204+%
1205+it's sad thinking of all the dogs in old movies that have died, but even sadder thinking of the earth we fled because of the dogs that can't -@UtilityLimb
1206+%
1207+#RememberAnythingButThe90s? Distant tinge. Something? No. It's gone. The machine laughs. A nutrient reward pours into my only facial orifice -@UtilityLimb
1208+%
1209+don't #FF dog through a long maze of doggy doors and doggy passages you didn't know were in your house. dog just gets lost and cries. idiot. -@UtilityLimb
1210+%
1211+i just make dog jokes for attention. i don't know what they are or where one stops another begins in that weird mass that replaced the sea -@UtilityLimb
1212+%
1213+kinda miss when girls wore those "LOVE PINK" sweatpants. got kinda weird once they got replaced by "EAT BUGS," "FEAR SUN," and "LIVE CAVE" -@UtilityLimb
1214+%
1215+Wayne's World is a bit of a misnomer. The Garths control The Arcology the Waynes struggle in serfdom out in the staticky fragmented wastes -@UtilityLimb
1216+%
1217+#KnuckleTatIdea if you tat knuckles all over body then entire body functions as hand. unlock new world of gestures + punches; today. -@UtilityLimb
1218+%
1219+dude, deer did not invent a perfect system of economic equality and they do not have one "deer dollar" each. those are deer skulls. -@UtilityLimb
1220+%
1221+#newcerealnames screws i saved for reasons i forgot, afloat in stone bowls of rainwater lit by the stray tweets wisping through my cell bars -@UtilityLimb
1222+%
1223+Mafia Dog, trying to intimidate Cop Dog: How bout you make like a tree, and bark [both dogs just start barking at shit + pissing everywhere] -@UtilityLimb
1224+%
1225+What society thinks I do: [THE ABYSS, GAZING BACK]. What I REALLY do: [IT DOES NOT RETURN THE GAZE. WE HAVE NO COMPANION, NOT EVEN THE VOID] -@UtilityLimb
1226+%
1227+#ChrisBrownPickupLines [a lurid, soundless buzzing as chris hovers and flickers over a murky pond amidst dead trees canopied by a dead sky.] -@UtilityLimb
1228+%
1229+i sit by the milpool beside my milhouse, but these luxuries don't ease the milfear. how long can the milwall protect me from the milshadows? -@UtilityLimb
1230+%
1231+studied abroad? *grins* yeah, i've studied a broad... variety of this world's offerings and found no solution to my inescapable mortality ;) -@UtilityLimb
1232+%
1233+Audience Is Entirely Snakes. Help. #FiveWordTEDTalks -@UtilityLimb
1234+%
1235+Congrats @FeverishDesperation! @UtilityLimb picked you as the reason to tweet of the day favstar,fm/a_rat_triggering_a_trap_that_has_no_bait -@UtilityLimb
1236+%
1237+#BadFirstDateQuestions what happened in that cube that commits an arbitrary crime inside itself each time you wonder what crime it just did? -@UtilityLimb
1238+%
1239+TRIGGER WARNING: tuxedonormative unable to discriminate between tuxedo print shirt / shirt print tuxedo, eject people not invitationormative -@UtilityLimb
1240+%
1241+fired from borders when i moved everyones gender to the fiction section the remaining energy beings had infinite wisdom + no need for book -@UtilityLimb
1242+%
1243+ah, bagels! [plucks one from vine] nature's DVDs! [opens it] [inside: tiny men act out a movie. i know this movie. do i? where is everyone?] -@UtilityLimb
1244+%
1245+It's the only way we can know how long it's been since the collapse⦠[Letterman is counting up not down on his top 10. He's in the billions] -@UtilityLimb
1246+%
1247+wait so egalitarianism's just some shit about equality? [dodges 2 of the 800 swooping eagles i unleashed into the debate hall] man fuck that -@UtilityLimb
1248+%
1249+Wow, Kony is w- [is suddenly trampled+devoured by a herd of zebras rendered completely unnoticable after evolving stripes to mimic QR codes] -@UtilityLimb
1250+%
1251+steamy tumblrs with every object of our desire: fuselage, cones, roughage, ore. is there lust in your belly, kony? you and i will eat it all -@UtilityLimb
1252+%
1253+Cathy: Tower Defense not a game. Actual tower. Acks beckon me to climb just one more floor. Will I ever find her? I do not remember my name. -@UtilityLimb
1254+%
1255+Affluent man peers into dead friend's tomb, gasps. The items are gone. They have accompanied him to the next world. Miracle. Credits roll. -@UtilityLimb
1256+%
1257+@FuckminsterBull @J_Chastain you know it's him when the cop takes his "KNOWN HUMAN FOOD" list he starts braising beaks + bits of cartridge -@UtilityLimb
1258+%
1259+broken eggshells and garbage go in one end, embryotic debris comes out the other. feed to this machine your memories; the 90s are born anew. -@UtilityLimb
1260+%
1261+@wolfpupy we played "the floor is lava" until we could block out the memory of going to the carpet factory seeing them skin those rug rats -@UtilityLimb
1262+%
1263+man, the last 20 ghosts in a row just squawked and pooped and pecked us. i'm starting to doubt this ouija bird -@UtilityLimb
1264+%
1265+2011's tweets migrating above. one of mine! does he remember me? no, he's only an animal. get back in the bunker, we're just food to him now -@UtilityLimb
1266+%
1267+Every 1,000 years the moon will appear yellow for all of Chevy Truck Month due to the passing piss tail of Calvin's Comet -@UtilityLimb
1268+%
1269+cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong -@UtilityLimb
1270+%
1271+goofus achieves wonders like instantaneous global communication and interplanetary travel but remains governed by his own decay. gallant too -@UtilityLimb
1272+%
1273+Bulldozers rolling backwards as rubble forms itself into Palestinian homes in their wake #UnsettlingCars -@UtilityLimb
1274+%
1275+"Muck Man send you LinkedIn request :)" says the writing on the empty pizza box pierced by a fishing hook. The line leads back into the bog. -@UtilityLimb
1276+%
1277+*Rubs hand along stump* Count 'em, 600 rings. That's 600 years old! Told you she was an ancient spirit in the body of a preteen female Sonic -@UtilityLimb
1278+%
1279+ahahaha search for "starbugs" and check out at all the idiots misspelling starbuck- huh? look at the sky? oh...... oh............ -@UtilityLimb
1280+%
1281+[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale] -@UtilityLimb
1282+%
1283+WEAR COLORS OUTSIDE THE IRISH VISIBLE SPECTRUM + SPEAK ABOVE IRISH AUDIBLE RANGE TODAY, TOMORROW, ALL DAYS UNTIL WE ESCAPE THIS BLARNEY CUBE -@UtilityLimb
1284+%
1285+an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn't break the canon that there's only one of him, each connects to a central body in the undercity -@UtilityLimb
1286+%
1287+@woodmuffin every discarded leg that makes its way down to the trash caverns gets found by scavenging berts and attached to oscar the growth -@UtilityLimb
1288+%
1289+my pitch for a "gritty reboot of myself" isn't going so well; all the pre-schools say i can't enroll at 28 -@UtilityLimb
1290+%
1291+for every retweet you earn with your twitterform upon the tweetplane, your new form shall contain one more bone in the next life (boneplane) -@UtilityLimb
1292+%
1293+While Lisa "Right Eye" Lopez entered a catatonic state upon the death of Left Eye, Center Eye was unaffected and continues to loom and wail. -@UtilityLimb
1294+%
1295+for once i'd like to see something other than FLESH and THE VEIL BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT in the rending topics -@UtilityLimb
1296+%
1297+my Fantasy Centipede Team is dominating the league right now w/ 5,000,000 legs grown + 50,000 manifestations out of imagination into reality -@UtilityLimb
1298+%
1299+@brendlewhat idiot bug think leg opulence bring fulfillment. hard to blame him. not many other option as bug. -@UtilityLimb
1300+%
1301+#ThoughtsAtAHouseParty woah, bob saget is WAAY different IRL than on full house. i think. dunno. i don't have sensory perception. i'm a fern -@UtilityLimb
1302+%
1303+don't type and hold unshift, you'll pen subcase letters so subtle they slip right through the membrane into the cistern of undertweets below -@UtilityLimb
1304+%
1305+@brendlewhat "the shale is retweeting itself," says the geologist, burying himself in sediment. "this does not help me, but still i do it." -@UtilityLimb
1306+%
1307+@TPHD consume me in your webring maw. pass me to the geocities that sprawl across the inner belly, their tiny dwellers repurposing my carbon -@UtilityLimb
1308+%
1309+there's more than one way to skin a cat ;) whole lot more ways ;) some you learn by accident while petting someone's cat ;) i'm really sorry -@UtilityLimb
1310+%
1311+watermelon was seriously wounded... but the soul still burns - soul gallagher -@UtilityLimb
1312+%
1313+"starship enterprise's detaching saucer is based on animal kingdom" - me, having wasted my ammo on duck body, now being eaten by duck head -@UtilityLimb
1314+%
1315+This is the Today Show, I'm your host Bryant Gumbel [he sits in a chair. he and the chair split in two like an amoeba] and I'm Giant Brendle -@UtilityLimb
1316+%
1317+he's a good dog, if you can see him, or even remember him at all. i'm not so sure i even have a dog, but that's the nature of faint bernards -@UtilityLimb
1318+%
1319+marmaduke's owners are taking him to the vet, but magmaduke violently erupts from the earths core and lays waste to the entire city -@UtilityLimb
1320+%
1321+if you don't know where to put a semicolon, try using it on every blankspace in your inventory. one should open the hole to the next thought -@UtilityLimb
1322+%
1323+the "fuck yeah rocks that look like people" tumblr is just photos of everyone you know. they no longer respond in any form but quiet erosion -@UtilityLimb
1324+%
1325+WELCOME TO GYM. [5gp] WOOD MUSCLE // [10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE // [50gp] IRON MUSCLE // [100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE // [999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE -@UtilityLimb
1326+%
1327+i didn't unfollow, it was twitter! there's a family of applesnails in your lunch bag a stickynote saying "BANDIT FRIENDS :)"? also twitter -@UtilityLimb
1328+%
1329+Age? No, thanks ;) Sex? Yes, please ;) Location? Yes, please ;) Please, God ;) Let me exist somewhere ;) Anywhere ;) Out of this darkness ;) -@UtilityLimb
1330+%
1331+hungercrazed eating dirt and leather and soon one another. why did we do this. #ReplaceFoodWithSongNames -@UtilityLimb
1332+%
1333+being caught by the Sufferluffagus is a much more precise and detailed agony than the dreamlike violence of Big Blurred -@UtilityLimb
1334+%
1335+.@favstar your bots all collapsed into favblackholes and are retweeting jokes i don't remember making to congratulate me for negative favs?? -@UtilityLimb
1336+%
1337+//TASKLESS IN THIS ECONOSPHERE?? >> EARN 1,0000,0000 WEALTH CRESTS EACH MOON JUST FOR PLAGUESPREAD!! {{ TURN "DIS HARDSHIP" INTO "DISEASE"\\ -@UtilityLimb
1338+%
1339+THAT WAS IN REPLY TO @J_CHASTAIN BUT IT DID NOT FIT -@UtilityLimb
1340+%
1341+@J_Chastain "what if the sickness.. is the cure" says the dying old man. rats are gnawing upon his body and reblogging the tumblrs he bleeds -@UtilityLimb
1342+%
1343+Seinfeld, The Outwards Episode: Each scene is imagined by a character in the next. The final reveal is existence was imagined by the viewer. -@UtilityLimb
1344+%
1345+WELCOME TO PRANKNET. PICK OPTION: 1> DECEIVE OTHER [1 DAY] 2> DECEIVE SELF INTO BELIEVING YOU ARE THIS BODY YOU'RE EXPERIENCING [364 DAYS] -@UtilityLimb
1346+%
1347+If you are just waking up now, 1) Everyone not named Tom is dead. We don't know what happened or why. 2) Yes, we already renamed it "Tomblr" -@UtilityLimb
1348+%
1349+Waste this life tweeting jokes about Toms making a "Tomblr." The Angel of Death is digging your grave and he's got a much better Tomblr joke -@UtilityLimb
1350+%
1351+Nelson Mandela, covered in tiny Nelson Mandelas, standing with Nelson Mandelas on a giant Nelson Mandela, forming the Nelson Mandelabrot Set -@UtilityLimb
1352+%
1353+Congratulations, your acadmic excellence has placed you on The Beam's List! Please exit that laser-deflecting bunker for your reward (beams) -@UtilityLimb
1354+%
1355+optometrists can see your thoughts when shining that light in your eyes but can't understand them. they're too blurry. you need glasses dude -@UtilityLimb
1356+%
1357+morning tip: close your sensory holes when moving from sleeping bag to waking bag. do not experience the unbagged void outside the bagwombs. -@UtilityLimb
1358+%
1359+#lessintimidatingsportsteams men just like you who've sometimes cried and not known why, aging slowly into the same decrepit form you embody -@UtilityLimb
1360+%
1361+damn, club is poppin' tonight! all the dying animals left the forest came here to wilt+decay together on the dancefloor! whole club crying -@UtilityLimb
1362+%
1363+A starving King Midas surrounded by ancient rotting food. Every last bit of it Instagrammed by his touch. -@UtilityLimb
1364+%
1365+@graeyalien @brendlewhat @ConorTripler to vote LIMB turn to ballot page w/ the weird maw feed it as many enemy voters as u can (1 vote/lb) -@UtilityLimb
1366+%
1367+I vow to eliminate the unconstitutional Big Government that wastes our tax dollars + the unearthly Big Governor that eats our fishing boats. -@UtilityLimb
1368+%
1369+DRILLED SO FAR: 6 MILES INTO OWN FACE. IF HEAD HAS SKULL THEN SKULL MUST HAVE WEIRDER SKULL INSIDE AND MY RESUME WILL BE FIRST TO FEATURE IT -@UtilityLimb
1370+%
1371+reversing a gif of a dude being hurt will heal him IRL but the Wound Spirit can't be tricked and it'll put you in a dog gif doing a violence -@UtilityLimb
1372+%
1373+@woodmuffin just found one that's tweeting every building i construct in my horrible city --> @markgeorge341 -@UtilityLimb
1374+%
1375+Your account may not be allowed to perform this action. Please close the page forget you saw that "Refear this fear to your drones" button -@UtilityLimb
1376+%
1377+this is the wilhelm scream of pits. name any movie with a pit. this was that pit. name any of your family. i've pushed them into this pit. -@UtilityLimb
1378+%
1379+i love her BUTTE, but only PLATEAUNICALLY ;) [a tumbleweed made of bugs rolls by. they keep still, moved only by wind. are they dead? am i?] -@UtilityLimb
1380+%
1381+Yelp > Novelty Las Vegas Replica On Las Vegas Strip: DOESN'T LOOK LIKE VEGAS. EVERY BUILDING IS THAT ONE BLACK PYRAMID SO IS HOTEL STAFF 0/5 -@UtilityLimb
1382+%
1383+@brendlewhat "Welcome Out Of The Luxor" says the doorman, opening his coat to reveal a stairway leading to a Luxor of even stranger violence -@UtilityLimb
1384+%
1385+@Bro_Pair @brendlewhat ... but in Egypt, you feared the Ibis! Ha ha, thanks folks, I'll be entombed here at the Lmaotep all week + eternity. -@UtilityLimb
1386+%
1387+"It's terrible to be HOME, STUCK in an MS PAIN ADVENTURE" - Andrew Hussie, before getting booed off stage at a Multiple Sclerosis fundraiser -@UtilityLimb
1388+%
1389+our petting zoo's "Meet Ryan Gosling" attraction is closed because his lawyers say a gosling is a baby goose not a rapidly growing sinkhole -@UtilityLimb
1390+%
1391+that north korean missile sure burns faster than the house+objects around me!! please rt i'm trapped in a fire @911 isn't seeing my tweets -@UtilityLimb
1392+%
1393+@brendlewhat @911's social media guru ignoring my pleas, just replies "We LOVE that you love our brand!" "New DLC 2013: Cop Won't Hit You" -@UtilityLimb
1394+%
1395+nah dude that job offer is a scam, "ALL SPIDERS" don't have a social media guru opening but ~600 idiots fall for it every week and get eaten -@UtilityLimb
1396+%
1397+save cash at the grocer! fill veggies w/ helium until your voice hits the resonant frequency of the chains binding consciousness to the body -@UtilityLimb
1398+%
1399+the celeb that exists only as an abstract now exists here in deeper abstraction. the celeb has tweeted you! in the distance, you have a body -@UtilityLimb
1400+%
1401+"anyone hear about this new ipad?" [jay leno pauses] "anyone hear anything at all?" [jay wanders the desolate cities. even the wind is gone] -@UtilityLimb
1402+%
1403+@UtilityLimb Congrats on your 10,000 cat dominion! slavegar.field/HugeMondayHoveringAboveThePyramidPunishingGarfieldsThatRefuseToBu
1404+ildIt.jpg -@UtilityLimb
1405+%
1406+they're two different things, todd. you get FRIENDSNAILED in a SNAILZONE so you can wake your ASTRAL SNAILBODY from this WORLD IT'S DREAMING -@UtilityLimb
1407+%
1408+an old achewood panel rotted away and philippe fell out. he wanders the site's php, begging to be let back in, but onstad, like god, is dead -@UtilityLimb
1409+%
1410+pursue creativity until you're too jaded to enjoy what you loved about it to begin with. keep believing there's some answer to life in art. -@UtilityLimb
1411+%
1412+@FuckminsterBull all 50+ people who faved this https://t.co/Eo2lDGEG did so w/ good reason knew about brendle's famous chairs. both chairs -@UtilityLimb
1413+%
1414+"in the past, primitive tribes used something called 'art' to promote their dearest products and brands" - future man, an ARG history major -@UtilityLimb
1415+%
1416+20-something learning to live love as she tries to find patterns in a gale of blurry dreams to portray them as meaning in a 3rd person bio -@UtilityLimb
1417+%
1418+@Lowenaffchen don't art anymore. art's a description of fulfillment you can't experience. can't tell an art-soaked skeleton from regular one -@UtilityLimb
1419+%
1420+@fart 1st body mod "the body" allowed ass hole spirits to take shape+evolve over billion years slander my "im gaga for gout girls" webring -@UtilityLimb
1421+%
1422+as a lil bandit i wanted to make art that conveyed the intangible mystery felt inside. the sum of my work: http://t.co/OYJMmcOf @mattcornell -@UtilityLimb
1423+%
1424+FUTUREMAN HAS BUILT THE FONT OF BABEL. THE CASES TOWER ABOVE EVEN THE UPPEREST CASE WE CAN IMAGINE. THE OLD WORDS ARE SO BORING + STUPID NOW -@UtilityLimb
1425+%
1426+dude, don't name your kid that when he's got a speech impediment. how's he gonna make "a cool dino roar" with that awful rusted grate mouth -@UtilityLimb
1427+%
1428+what's the "use tunnels dreams" checkbox on googlemaps? how do i turn "slight inward toward memory of house with iron floors (toll shaft)" -@UtilityLimb
1429+%
1430+Goofs: Beavis believes his existence to be that which he experiences rather than the blanket of darkness shrouding the infinity he does not. -@UtilityLimb
1431+%
1432+who's a dork for being the preeminent Donald In Mathmagic Land Extended Canon scholar now? [escapes unscathed as my classmates die of Traps] -@UtilityLimb
1433+%
1434+that's sick as hell dog! [later, at veterinarian] "sorry, hell dog passed away last night" why wasn't i with him? the guilt will never leave -@UtilityLimb
1435+%
1436+teens building new species of teen out of every available resource. teens of moss and teens of ore, our old weapons can not harm them. -@UtilityLimb
1437+%
1438+scene in The Tetris Movie where the locusts eat the z-crops & the villagers are so famished they eat long blocks until their necks disappear -@UtilityLimb
1439+%
1440+your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it's got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen -@UtilityLimb
1441+%
1442+each tweet is full of tiny little bones & one day the tiny people of the future will exhume our jokes to build even tinier people (to crush) -@UtilityLimb
1443+%
1444+a dog in a chamber deep underground. when there are no more tweets left to make, he will die. he's crying, this is the last one. bandit, no! -@UtilityLimb
1445+%
1446+@wolfpupy scientist discover saddest animal. cant say it name. crying too hard. doesnt matter tho, the hungriest animal will come for us all -@UtilityLimb
1447+%
1448+@wolfpupy every time an animator erased black rugrat another black rugrat would appear in the ball ducts (they pump balls into the ball pit) -@UtilityLimb
1449+%
1450+everybody welcome our surprise celebrity guest!! [the arm from arm & hammer hops out on stage and starts hammering people indiscriminately] -@UtilityLimb
1451+%
1452+"man i'm sick of tv shooting for the lowest common dominator," drones man controlled by one of the largest, rarest dominators (psy-owl hive) -@UtilityLimb
1453+%
1454+corporations are people because people are corporations made of trillions of cells that survive by destroying+consuming weaker corporations -@UtilityLimb
1455+%
1456+ya, last name spelled: [distant howl] as in far off train, [metallic scraping] as in axe being dragged through quarry, [quiet sobbing] as in -@UtilityLimb
1457+%
1458+"chicken scallopini? i could tweet chicken skele-penis," i say to the shadows on the cave wall. i don't even remember that i'm chained here. -@UtilityLimb
1459+%
1460+dunno why the instructions are rage comics, i didn't buy it. the ikea guy just gave it to us villagers & vanished. i think it's a mausoleum. -@UtilityLimb
1461+%
1462+open a girl twit pic and click expand. it make her grow from mere notion of what you can't have to real embodiment of what you can't have :] -@UtilityLimb
1463+%
1464+"how creative. the joy division album cover again," - me, sarcastically, to the endless black & white lines pouring out the sky into the sea -@UtilityLimb
1465+%
1466+don't set your timeline to military time. bunch of weird dudes tweet from 2400-6666 hours & all they talk about is some secret "in the well" -@UtilityLimb
1467+%
1468+wow, tweet 666 comin' up. oh damn! it's a SICK tweet. new era for u-limb. new style. better than dogs! better than hell dude! here it comes: -@UtilityLimb
1469+%
1@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
2+weird_twitter.dat: weird_twitter
3+ @strfile weird_twitter weird_twitter.dat
1@@ -0,0 +1,3879 @@
2+@dril: fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
3+%
4+@dril: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
5+%
6+@dril: congress members fighting over who can scream "halo 5" the loudest, until a senior member stands up and yells "halo 6", infuriating them all
7+%
8+@dril: THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED
9+%
10+@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
11+%
12+@dril: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
13+%
14+@dril: just realized that skeletons are basically just rocks hitching a free ride inside of our bodies. sad and pissed off
15+%
16+@dril: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
17+%
18+@dril: "Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,
19+%
20+@dril: see this watch? i got it by Crying. my car? crying. my beautiful wife? Crying. My perfect teeth? Crying. now get the fuck out of my office
21+%
22+@drugleaf: *hugs girlfriend, gets on 1 knee* honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out "LIKE A FREE IPAD?" she looks down& i'm holding a survey*
23+%
24+@drugleaf: sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force
25+%
26+@drugleaf: "dad where do babies come from?"
27+*continues pulling a catapult out of the garage* I DUNNO KIDDO BUT I SURE AS FUCK KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GOING
28+%
29+@drugleaf: 2 New Interaction(s): A PACK OF WOLVES favorited your tweet "damn, feeling hella vulnerable today".
30+A PACK OF WOLVES started following you.
31+%
32+@nice_mustard: it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
33+%
34+@nice_mustard: what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
35+%
36+@nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
37+%
38+@rad_milk: as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
39+%
40+@rad_milk: maybe if your dad was the mcrib he would have come back
41+%
42+@rad_milk: "help i fell & cant get up" grandson rolls up on skateboard "more like GROUNDMA LOL" he kickflips over her&slurps GoGurt™ the grab&go yogurt
43+%
44+@rad_milk: you laugh at me because im different, i laugh at you because you are a playful family of lemurs at the zoo and i am hella stoned
45+%
46+@rad_milk: im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's
47+%
48+@bugbucket: it's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
49+%
50+@bugbucket: i love this club, everyone is so handsome, we are all having a great time "sir this is a mirror store" except this asshole bouncer
51+%
52+@bugbucket: list of best afros in nature:
53+➊ broccoli
54+➋ mountain with a cloud floating on the peak
55+➌ most trees
56+➍ ant i dropped a cotton ball on
57+%
58+@bugbucket: if you don't like being around someone just slip some poison in their beverage, then drink it when they're not looking
59+%
60+@bugbucket: "hey look at this there's a nickel in your ear" nice trick granpa "there's gotta be more where that came from" grandpa is that a power drill
61+%
62+@bugbucket: how to be cool on twitter step 1 get a trampoline step 2 who fucking cares about twitter you have a trampoline
63+%
64+@bugbucket: lol remember playin "floor is lava" as a kid by pourin gasoline everywhere and lighting it "lol Dad floor's lava" "aaaah im burning" "lol"
65+%
66+@thrillbo: looked up to ask jesus why there was only one set of footprints and he was like 100 ft behind poking a dead jellyfish w/ a branch. cmon dude
67+%
68+@thrillbo: dont hate me because i'm beautiful, hate me what you can do for your country
69+%
70+@thrillbo: wow nice leotard lol. more like reotard lmao. where'd you get that leotard, idiot fucker. was it on sale, shithead. does it come in a medium
71+%
72+@thrillbo: hi i need a new iphone because i changed my status to single on facebook and it vibrated so hard from texts that it turned into a diamond
73+%
74+@thrillbo: u tear off my shirt, buttons flying. u take time to admire whats underneath: a hard, rippling invoice. for the shirt. what were u thinking
75+%
76+@tree_bro: Why Can't I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
77+%
78+@tree_bro: *Cracks Diet Pepsi* Ahh...Refreshing Diet Peppi *Slowly Sips, Then Gulps, The Diet Pappo** Ahh, Diet Parpo. Thank's To The Papor-Colla Corp.
79+%
80+@tree_bro: *knocks on door* Mrs Smith? I'm from Army. Your son got owned in Iraq. He showed great valor in the face of epic fail. Semper fi or whatecer
81+%
82+@tree_bro: Wash My Clothes? just to get them Dirty again???? **attaches forehead to industrial oscillator, flips it on, SMH at 100,000 kHz**
83+%
84+@tree_bro: Sir? The intensive porpoises are here. They say you have something for them. Yes, all of them
85+%
86+@bikinibabelover: *john krasinski on the street* holy crap your jim halpert "uhh well actually thats not my name" *he looks at the camera and makes a face*
87+%
88+@bikinibabelover: Facts About You: 1) Your thinking of sombeody 3) You didnt notice I just skipped nubmer five 4) Your smilein now 5) Im hot 6) I like to cuss
89+%
90+@bikinibabelover: complex woody and smokey notes lend this wine a Dope Mouthfeel
91+%
92+@bikinibabelover: holy crap a alien just touched down to earth and asked if he could use my twitter. okay hes typing now. I HAVE A SPACE ZAPPER hes done lol
93+%
94+@bikinibabelover: 1960s: I HATE HIPPEYS
95+2000s: I HATE EMO'S
96+2010s: I HATE HIPSTER'S
97+2020s: ajajajajajajaj mangas y dobstep por favor
98+%
99+@bikinibabelover: Nice faucets Ass Hole. Your faucets arent even that cool, and I dont even barely love them a lot that much
100+%
101+@bikinibabelover: my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs
102+%
103+@lawblob: Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at-
104+%
105+@lawblob: hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? because you may be entitled to compensation.
106+%
107+@lawblob: my favorite drinking game is PacMan. you drink everything in front of you as fast as you can before your ghosts catch up to you
108+%
109+@lawblob: Goodnight Moon, you albino m&m looking space-pebble garbage piece of shit
110+%
111+@lawblob: the man died doing what he loved, disrespecting my dojo
112+%
113+@lawblob: girl you must be Windows Security Essentials because I have no idea what you're talking about but I'll do anything you tell me to
114+%
115+@lawblob: the plural of fish is 'hella fish'
116+%
117+@lawblob: renamed my WiFi network "buried under 500 cans of corn in 4B, need help"
118+two weeks go by, and the community does nothing
119+%
120+@lawblob: cool perk of being a rapper is everything put in music videos is a tax write-off. cars, jewelry, clothes, laser printer, cat food, lightbulb
121+%
122+@conortripler: HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY
123+%
124+@conortripler: you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable
125+%
126+@conortripler: each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted
127+%
128+@conortripler: U'LL SLEEP WHEN UR DEAD HUH? COOL. SOUNDS PRTTY NEAT. I MEAN I'LL BE PLAYIN MINI GOLF W TUPAC WHEN I'M DEAD BUT YA SLEEP SOUNDS COOL TOO LOL
129+%
130+@conortripler: timothy we need to talk about your essay "How Do U Go Hungry In The Winter They Litraly Put Salt All Over The Streets Idiot." it is awesome
131+%
132+@conortripler: this nerd reciting the first 1000 digits of pi and im yelling NICE every time a 9 follows a 6
133+%
134+@conortripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
135+%
136+@conortripler: banned from imdb for adding "Frankie Muniz isnt in it" to the Goofs & Errors section of every single movie. score one for hollywood facists
137+%
138+@conortripler: Mr Tripler is sentenced to (I COVER MY MOUTH & YELL IN HIGH PITCH VOICE "5 SECONDS IN JAIL!" "YA ONLY 5 SECONDS I AGREE!") the death penalty
139+%
140+@conortripler: the moon was once part of the earth but broke off to orbit at close distance in a process known in the field of geoscience as "friendzoning"
141+%
142+@othersome: you know that kid at the arcade who’s just watching the demo and pressing the buttons like they’re playing? that’s how i handle adulthood
143+%
144+@othersome: "shaq, how did all these snapping turtles get into kobe's car?" gee i don't know, it must have been a *looks into camera* shaqcident
145+%
146+@othersome: the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
147+%
148+@othersome: people who tell you to "stay still when bees attack you" are just thousands of bees in a trenchcoat trying to tell u a lie
149+%
150+@othersome: obama giggles to himself as he neglects his farmville crops. "lol owned" he whispers "owned by the Persident"
151+%
152+@brendlewhat: #howareyouathug i am good at hug
153+%
154+@brendlewhat: lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag
155+%
156+@brendlewhat: girl are you a diminutive form of address intended for children that is applied to adults as a way to establish a skewed power dynamic becau
157+%
158+@cool_pond: son we need to talk. your mom and i saw your internet history and it wasnt pretty. frankly, we are concerned. can you seriously not kickflip
159+%
160+@cool_pond: this club is wild it got everything. long dark hallway, a large central pump, bubbles, big noodles flyin everywhere. wait is this a carwash
161+%
162+@cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF AESTHETIC SIMPLICITY:
163+
164+I O U C J S L Z V N F E D P T X Y W M R B A K H Q G
165+
166+PLEASE USE THIS SYSTEM FROM NOW ON
167+%
168+@cool_pond: son its time for the sex talk.pretend my computer is a girl. how might u find her settings? "dad u dont know how to use ur computer do u"
169+%
170+@cool_pond: and god sayeth unto Moses in a thundering voice "MOSES, YOLO" and so Moses did what Moseses do he graffitied a wiener on the 10 commandments
171+%
172+@mohnjelson: So i says to the guy, i says to this guy, i tells this guy i says look, i says to him, i says to the guy, hey. i walk up to this guy, i says
173+%
174+@mohnjelson: If Dracula Can’t See Himself In The Mirror Then How’s He Keep His Hair So Neat: an essay by Timmy, 6th grade, Pullitzer Prize Winner
175+%
176+@boring_as_heck: Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
177+%
178+@boring_as_heck: to the person who made their laser tag name Cool Sex Falcon please return to the front so we can give you a real gun
179+%
180+@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
181+%
182+@boring_as_heck: God... you are NOT the father *God krumps all over the stage as Mary weeps profusely*
183+%
184+@boring_as_heck: Your honor i couldnt have committed that murder. Im a man - I cant commit to anything!! *all-female jury laughs, renders not guilty verdict*
185+%
186+@MuscularSon: what if real life is jail and the ones in jail are the free ones?? *jurors gasp, judge bangs gavel* im holding
187+u in contempt for scaring me
188+%
189+@MuscularSon: i accidentally said "wonder what a wizard's dick look like" out loud instead of thinking it and everyone in the bank started clapping
190+%
191+@MuscularSon: a dog howls and whines. a clock tower stops at the witching hour. a newborn speaks God's real name. it's Lobsterfest at Red Lobster
192+%
193+@MuscularSon: its really spooky in these woods flocka are u sure the rap battle is out here
194+%
195+@MuscularSon: all 182 members of blink 182, including blink 182 himself, perished in a plane wreck this morning
196+%
197+@MuscularSon: hey girl wanna play "gynecologist" ;) yes? ok *sits at desk, ignoring u while looking at paperwork* have a seat. ill be with u in 50 minutes
198+%
199+@MuscularSon: *pulls up outside a gamestop w/ people outside it* hey. why dont you all level up in talking to Girls *does donuts in my 95 ford escort*
200+%
201+@MuscularSon: my bedroom is set up to impress babe's. the guitar says im sensitive. the jackhammer says im tough. the horse is there because i love him
202+%
203+@spaceship_earth: NEW DRAKE MIXTAPE IS EIGHTTEEN JOANNA NEWSOM SONGS WITH DRAKE SAYING 'ITS DRIZZY' OVER AN AIR HORN AT THE END OF EACH ONE
204+%
205+@spaceship_earth: [at rich uncles dimly lit deathbed] "my boy there's something i waited until now to tell you" [rich uncle leans in] "im extremely random"
206+%
207+@spaceship_earth: Praise be unto Jesus, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win
208+%
209+@spaceship_earth: Dont be sad. Im in the cloud now, synergizing with all the brands who left before me. My strategies are too dynamic for this world. Im sorry
210+%
211+@spaceship_earth: What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered
212+%
213+@spaceship_earth: "A PACK OF WILD DOGS" would like to use your current location
214+%
215+@spaceship_earth: Ladies Call me Modernist Architecture because I'm forbidding, inhuman, don't relate to my surroundings & will be dismantled by govt in 30yrs
216+%
217+@grifteezy: When Lil Wayne dies, the warding spells tattooed on his body will be broken & all of the various djinns and ifrits will break free
218+%
219+@grifteezy: Endless Shrimp. Infinite quantities of shrimp. It never ends. Nothing we do has consequences
220+%
221+@grifteezy: Morning. Yawning, you check FB feed. A friend posts a status about you being dead. Haha, so zany. You go to click 'Like.' The cursor fades
222+%
223+@grifteezy: Fellow Druids, I give you,Stone Henge. It's kind of just, to hang out by and set your drinks on and stuff. Ok, Sorry, You build it next time
224+%
225+@grifteezy: owls are just real weird cats. sorry science
226+%
227+@diarrhea: "Son, why so sad? Are u crying??" All the kids in school call me gay. "Oh no. Why??" Because u named me Im Gay. "Lol I was so high that day"
228+%
229+@diarrhea: *sips muscle milk* what's this? *reads carton* MISSING BRO: ANSWERS TO GUN SHOW OR ROB. LAST SEEN DOIN INSANE AMOUNTS OF LAT PULLS AT GOLD'S
230+%
231+@diarrhea: favorite show on tv? Girls. second favorite is Business. third favorite? Car. fourth favorite is Meal. fifth favorite? u guessed it...Animal
232+%
233+@iscoff: Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999)
234+%
235+@earfdae: Um... I hate to be a Grammar Nazi, but shouldn't it be... 'The Diary Of *A* Frank'...?
236+%
237+@electrolemon: jay-z has a custom la-z boy that says "jay-z boy" on it. he doesn't even sit in it. just walks by n giggles, mumblin "u crazy for this one"
238+%
239+@electrolemon: a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread"
240+%
241+@electrolemon: sir... *removes hat* i'm going down with the ship. "oh you'll go down on the titanic, but not on me huh" jesus carol this is hardly the time
242+%
243+@leh0n: *walks over to a gaggle of teens* Yall droppin f-bombs over here?? Haha nice. Im totally down with that
244+%
245+@leh0n: i like my women like i like my universe, filled with an infinite amount of suffocating emptiness
246+%
247+@leh0n: *taps on ur window* Hey its me Leh0n. From twitter dot com. U fav'ed my "Butt Farts" tweet 8 months ago?
248+%
249+@leh0n: what did the bird say when he flew over kmart caw caw whyd my natural habitat get replaced wtih 165,000 sq ft of consumerist wasteland lol
250+%
251+@leh0n: how do you make friends. im asking for a friend
252+%
253+@leh0n: The Joker has turned the floor everywhere in the world to lava. This summer...Batman has to stop him...While not touching the floor
254+%
255+@degg: *crests a hill* hey dudes
256+%
257+@degg: anything can happen in football, especially sports
258+%
259+@degg: *takes a picture of myself holding $300*
260+%
261+@UtilityLimb: i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. keeps craning. head unscrews entirely. out of the hole pour jewels & mysteries*
262+%
263+@UtilityLimb: Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
264+%
265+@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
266+%
267+@UtilityLimb: your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it's got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen
268+%
269+@UtilityLimb: kinda miss when girls wore those "LOVE PINK" sweatpants. got kinda weird once they got replaced by "EAT BUGS," "FEAR SUN," and "LIVE CAVE"
270+%
271+@Hermit_Thrush: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a fs 270 flip to ss fs boardslide down rail
272+%
273+@Hermit_Thrush: if you claim to be "naïve" you arent fooling anyone. if you know how to get an ï then you know a lot of other shit
274+%
275+@Hermit_Thrush: DJ PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HERE, I SEE NOT ALL OF YOU ARE RAISING YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR?? WELL IF YOU DONT LIKE MY MUSIC I CAN LEAVE
276+%
277+@Hermit_Thrush: some people say im obsessed with semantics. i say it depends what you mean by obsessed
278+%
279+@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
280+%
281+@famouscrab: "carlos did u put youre shoes on the right feets today" YES DAD LEFT AND RIGHT "on YOUr feet son?" ..DAD THIS IS THE WRONGEST I EVER GOT IT
282+%
283+@famouscrab: hi son like my backwards hat? how bout that gerfald he sure eat a lasagna that cant be good for her. anyways bye *rollerblades away*
284+%
285+@famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
286+%
287+@famouscrab: what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
288+%
289+@famouscrab: fool me once thats enough of times for fooling me and i dont really enjoy it. Thanks
290+%
291+@famouscrab: im not here to make friends! - me at the zoo telling a lie lol
292+%
293+@famouscrab: Warning: password is case sensitive. password i think ur case is cute dont woorry so much
294+%
295+@famouscrab: my dad say he is leaving forever and then he came back with a pack of cigaretes hehe a twist on a old classic u are a funny and good dad
296+%
297+@famouscrab: i am involved in a scooter acident the accident is im riding 2 scooter's at the same time and all these beach babes are have heart attacks
298+%
299+@ahuj9: a steak pun is a rare medium well done
300+%
301+@ahuj9: RIP Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, 1972 - 2,042,998. Died of erosion.
302+%
303+@ahuj9: Remember that one scene where Indiana Jones drives a rusty Kia to his sysadmin job at Geico? Yeah me neither. Take off the fedora.
304+%
305+@ahuj9: "Here, kids. Here's a bunch of pipes and chains and shit sticking out of the ground. Go nuts." - John Playground, inventor of the Playground
306+%
307+@ahuj9: Dog Flowchart: "Can I Eat This" ---> Yes/Let's Find out
308+%
309+@woodmuffin: haha i've kept this police sketch artist here for two hours and he still doesnt realize he's been drawing the Cheers cast one by one
310+%
311+@woodmuffin: Hour 7 of refusing to say "when" as Mom spoons more and more mashed potatos onto my plate. Grandma crying, uncles yelling, I will not yield.
312+%
313+@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
314+%
315+@woodmuffin: "of course i've had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i'm doing!!" *types "what do girlfriends eat" into google*
316+%
317+@woodmuffin: "But Jesus, why were there only one set of footprints?" "Sand people travel single file to hide their numbers"
318+%
319+@MeepisMurder: in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
320+%
321+@MeepisMurder: reminder that there are a ton of skeletons that are wearing suits & dresses underground
322+%
323+@MeepisMurder: woops accidentally texted my dad "lets go to the club tonight" woops accidentally texted my dad "meet me at 8" woops im in the club w my dad
324+%
325+@MeepisMurder: son it's wonderful that you're starting to appreciate irony and everything but could you please just find my LOST dvds
326+%
327+@extranapkins: There's only gonna be 12 hits; Me hitting you, and you hitting the floor, then me listening to the Eagles Greatest Hits
328+%
329+@extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
330+%
331+@extranapkins: Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this club
332+%
333+@extranapkins: *lays $8 of quarters on the bar* Whats the plural of High Life
334+%
335+@extranapkins: Found a portrait of me in my attic that keeps getting uglier and older, at first I thought I was immortal but now I realized it's a mirror
336+%
337+@extranapkins: Thursday? Let's see, Thursday... *opens day planner revealing a single sheet of paper with PARALYZED WITH ANXIETY on it* Thursday's no good.
338+%
339+@extranapkins: Cut my sandwich diagonally? No thanks, I'm a boring idiot who sucks and is no fun to hang out with, I'll have it cut the stupid way please
340+%
341+@extranapkins: Yes thank you for the pizza but where are my lovers... I was supposed to meet lovers with this pizza
342+%
343+@extranapkins: The best you can hope for in life is for someone you dont know to see you from far away and think wow that guy looks cool
344+%
345+@extranapkins: Hello pizza store? Yes I'd like one round bread covered with cheese, one bread cut into sticks and one more bread cut into sticks with sugar
346+%
347+@extranapkins: Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now
348+%
349+@extranapkins: You can smoke weed in the ATM thing at the bank and the cops can't do shit unless they have the right debit card
350+%
351+@crushingbort: "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?"
352+8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
353+%
354+@bransonbranson: every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself
355+%
356+@bransonbranson: bad news gang. the gf broke up with me by disconnecting the bolt on her motorcycle sidecar and drifting it down towards a sexy beach party
357+%
358+@bransonbranson: *puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes... time to text some girls the word 'hey' and only the word 'hey'
359+%
360+@kilobees: what if, instead of the lyrics to three 6 mafia songs, you knew a whole bunch about like physics or some shit
361+%
362+@kilobees: Hello, Darkness, my old friend. Have you watched The Wire yet
363+%
364+@leyawn: son when i was your age we only had two pokemon. dog and cat. but we made do
365+%
366+@leyawn: slept over at a kids house once in third grade. saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. never talked to him again. hes in jail now
367+%
368+@leyawn: "wats yr greatest strength" i slide over card that says IM ALWAYS PREPARED "wats yr greatest weakness" i flip over card its a pic of waluigi
369+%
370+@UrplePingo: How much baby shampoo do I have to drink to activate this "no more tears" promise?
371+%
372+@UrplePingo: LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO
373+%
374+@ughHugs: i once looked at a woman in the eye now i am in a committed relationship
375+%
376+@PajamaBenLaden: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"
377+%
378+@duplicitron: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
379+%
380+@fart: wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams
381+%
382+@fart: i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
383+%
384+@fart: Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him
385+%
386+@fart: are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser
387+%
388+@fart: it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk
389+%
390+@fart: All the good men are either gay, taken, or two dogs standing on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat
391+%
392+@IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
393+%
394+@IamEnidColeslaw: I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
395+%
396+@IamEnidColeslaw: Yes I'm on birth control. It's called "my face"
397+%
398+@IamEnidColeslaw: The girl kept her eyes on the ground as the cashier rang up her cat litter & tampons. "I have a lot of internet friends," she whispered.
399+%
400+@afriendlyb: i am hearing an awful lot about this 'friend zone' how does one become a member because it sure would be nice to have some friends
401+%
402+@Penis_Zorro: all my frens:
403+•me
404+•my kite
405+•tupac
406+•mom
407+•billy (realy a kleenex)
408+•face drawed on my chin (hard 2 c)
409+•dave (imaginary)
410+•any dog
411+•dad (i wish)
412+%
413+@BevisSimpson: Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
414+%
415+@fucpk: And over here is our manager of barketing [gestures to a dog in a suit] sales are down 1000% its not good.
416+%
417+@fucpk: *knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
418+%
419+@fucpk: [sits down at computer] Hmm. In..ternet... [double clicks recycle bin. looks up at gramma] Were in. Were in the main frame. The dot coms.
420+%
421+@fucpk: moths are just white trash butterflies
422+%
423+@fucpk: debit or credit? debit i say as i swipe my holo charizard. sir do you have a debit card [swipe again and again without breaking eye contact]
424+%
425+@fucpk: I've had it! We are breaking up up down down left right left right b a! *she gasps* I can't believe you'd cheat on me!
426+%
427+@fucpk: Kanye West turnin off Scooby Doo and gettin mad. No one van should have all them flowers.
428+%
429+@fucpk: my stubble on your neck while i whisper losing lottery numbers in your ear
430+%
431+@fucpk: Houston, we have a problem. What is it Apollo 13? You guys are a bunch of fuckin nerds. We are hotboxin this bitch in 5, 4, 3,
432+%
433+@fucpk: [two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
434+%
435+@fucpk: You have to tell me if youre a dog or else its entrapment. [my dog just tilts his dumb head] i dunno man i cant sell this weed to you
436+%
437+@fucpk: guns dont kill people! no dude you misunderstand. they kill people. a lot of them. p sure thats why guns are here, actually.
438+%
439+@JucheMane: "If you hold the Down button and A at the same time, it makes it easier for the wild Pokemon to stay in the ball." Joe Biden added helpfully
440+%
441+@virgiltexas: Teens often hide computer pornography in a folder called C:\Windows\System32. Delete this folder if you see it
442+%
443+@virgiltexas: The human body is a complex machine that transmutes oxygen and fast food into horrible beliefs about foreign policy.
444+%
445+@virgiltexas: "Find your own fucking state capitals." - Ayn Rand McNally
446+%
447+@Irish_Dinosaur: "you should be more serious, sir. this is arson." "no this is MY son!" *tousles his hair* "ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn"
448+%
449+@Irish_Dinosaur: do furries do "follow furday"? they probably do, i bet. strange people. wait dad don't hang up they only give me one phonecall in here
450+%
451+@Irish_Dinosaur: to u, my son, i bequeath my neville longbottom parody account & all its 84,000 followers [dies] "dad, whats the password? dad? no no NO DAD"
452+%
453+@Irish_Dinosaur: instead of saying "cool teen" might i suggest Radolescent
454+%
455+@Irish_Dinosaur: the Dairy Queen tolls the taco bell from her white castle. townspeople emerge from pizza huts. war has been declared on the Burger Kingdom
456+%
457+@Bro_Pair: Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?
458+%
459+@Bro_Pair: by law of averages, somebody's last words were "space jam"
460+%
461+@amelialikesyou: will the owner of the '96 Accord with rear spoiler & vanity Plate PUSSYDSTRYR come to the front. there are like 9 Bros that wanna high 5 you
462+%
463+@TriciaLockwood: Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"
464+%
465+@TriciaLockwood: Sext: I give u the Heimlich maneuver when u don't even need the Heimlich maneuver. A grape pops out of u that u never even ate
466+%
467+@TriciaLockwood: Has anyone ever looked into a TJ Maxx mirror so long and so deeply that they died
468+%
469+@TriciaLockwood: I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside
470+%
471+@dudehugs: my internal monologue is just me telling myself "damn girl" over and over
472+%
473+@dudehugs: i'm bout to put some cashews in this omelet, because i have the power to decide what swag means to me
474+%
475+@dudehugs: *kool aid man bursts thru wall* YOOOOO WHEN THE /////FUCK//////// IS TOYOTATHON
476+%
477+@dudehugs: "necromancer"? naw, i'm a neck romancer. lemme get at that neck girl. gonna love on that neck like u wont believe. you gona call the cops on
478+%
479+@rare_basement: "im pretty popular on the internet," i whisper to my cat. cat doesnt respond because cat doesnt exist. there is no cat and i am alone
480+%
481+@rare_basement: Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too
482+%
483+@rare_basement: "Bitch Make Me A Sandwich" - The Boring Man's Guide To Gaining Approval From Other Boring Men
484+%
485+@rare_basement: i have got murdered. u shake my dying body and yell "please! who did this to u!!" with my last breath i whisper "ur mom... haha owned..."
486+%
487+@rare_basement: sext: ur a lake. i dip my feet in u, then go deeper in ur cold wet body. i splash once, twice. its boring. i leave. lakes are stupid as hell
488+%
489+@rare_basement: "this doughnut is gonna go straight to my thighs," i said as i smashed it and smeared the custard on my legs, without breaking eye contact
490+%
491+@rare_basement: sorry kids, christmas is canceled. dad's a libertarian and we're not taking handouts from that fat bearded commie. he wears red for a REASON
492+%
493+@rare_basement: Bros Before Hos Except After C
494+%
495+@rare_basement: sext: i am a bear and you are a delicious porridge. chicks try to steal you from me but i eat them. i eat you too. i eat everyone. i'm alone
496+%
497+@BassoonJokes: Autocorrect kept changing Karl Marx to TJ Maxx in my essay about TJ Maxx
498+%
499+@BassoonJokes: this is your mind. this your mind on money. this is your money on your mind. this is your mind rollin down the street smoking endo sippin on
500+%
501+@BassoonJokes: the weed joke 420 has been adjusted for inflation, please use 531 as the new weed joke
502+%
503+@BassoonJokes: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
504+%
505+@BassoonJokes: I did the 1080 once in 1080 Snowboarding N64, but a shadowy figure appeared at my door and just said "Dont ever do that again" and vanished.
506+%
507+@BassoonJokes: new york times readers poll: how far can you skateboard? answers: 53% say yes, 10% say lower the debt ceiling, 37% blame millenials
508+%
509+@BassoonJokes: I'm always getting Christianity and Mountain Dew mixed up.
510+%
511+@MrSpoonicorn: why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
512+%
513+@MrSpoonicorn: hello 911? my girlfriend used my master ball on a Magikarp
514+%
515+@MrSpoonicorn: his palms are sweaty/ knees sweaty arms are sweaty/ hes got sweat on his sweater already/ moms sweaty/ hes sweaty but on the surface he look
516+%
517+@MrSpoonicorn: *cop slams bag of weed down on table*
518+"EXPLAIN."
519+"its not mine officer i swea-
520+"oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"
521+%
522+@MrSpoonicorn: busting sick dance moves in this club, all eyes on me. haters saying "this is a library" lol w/e dudes atleast i didnt bring books to a club
523+%
524+@MrSpoonicorn: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it break dance without some kind of system of weights and pulleys
525+%
526+@MrSpoonicorn: *PSY's head slowly emerges from my toilet*
527+"OPPA GANGNAM STYLE"
528+"NOOO"
529+*i wake up sweating*
530+*PSY is at the end of my bed*
531+OPPA GANGNAM STYLE
532+%
533+@MrSpoonicorn: *puts a hat on a dog*
534+yeah that looks cool man. you should get it
535+*dog doesn't responded cus he's a dog*
536+dude do you want the hat or not
537+%
538+@MrSpoonicorn: yuck! i put a glass of urine next to my glass of apple juice and accidentally drank the apple juice
539+%
540+@MrSpoonicorn: "wow these chicken wings are SPICY" i say aloud to no one, the world ended years ago. i'm not even eating wings. even the sun has gone
541+%
542+@vinceness: oh cool this gravestone has a QR code on it *scans* says this dude is dead. wow neat
543+%
544+@vinceness: kermit the frog here. haha no its still vince
545+%
546+@vinceness: Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jets. No no, of infinite jurts. Damnit. Infinite Jersts. Jarsts.Jorts Infinite J
547+%
548+@dogboner: haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
549+%
550+@dogboner: Y'all ever notice how muslims are always..*drops racism notecards and scrambles to sort them* ..Having Big Penises??
551+%
552+@dogboner: climb on into my bed, babe. let me just move these sandwiches and these backup sandwiches
553+%
554+@dogboner: if ur a cat and reading this 1: please let me pet you. 2. i dont know how you learned to read english but im very pround of u..
555+%
556+@dogboner: Dang!! Im having A Lunch Sandwich! Lets see what Sportsball team is on today! Ahh the Grumps vs the Whiskers. Should be a tense game! Beer
557+%
558+@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
559+%
560+@tastefactory: 2002: *Posts dumb joke on AIM*
561+2012: *Posts dumb joke on Twitter*
562+2022: *Posts dumb flerp on Flerpnark*
563+2032: *Posts dumb ₮۞☈♒ on ∰₪↭➈╰☆╮*
564+%
565+@tastefactory: Let's all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
566+%
567+@tastefactory: I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You Showed Me Your Photo Album It Looks Like You Had A Great Time Thanks For Sharing Those Pics.
568+%
569+@tastefactory: Life is basically you just walk through a shitload of doors and then you die.
570+%
571+@tastefactory: *Goes to meet The Pope* Don't be nervous, don't do anything stupid..."Hi, The Pope" *opens Pepsi that got shook up and it sprays everywhere*
572+%
573+@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
574+%
575+@tastefactory: *ding dong* "Pizza man!" "I didn't order pizza.." *looks thru peephole, sees spider w fake mustache "Ha nice try dude ur not gettin in here"
576+%
577+@briangaar: Girl I'm so sorry your parents died, was it Kony? Oh a bus accident. Was Kony driving the bus
578+%
579+@doctorveritas: Horton Hears The Terrible Voice Of God Telling Him To Murder Isaac
580+%
581+@thatsnotkosher: At the start of the trial the defendant and i go back and forth with sick burns. "Yo lawyer so fat he obstructs justice just by being here"
582+%
583+@idontlikethings: *steps out onto balcony*
584+*sweeps hand over stunning breadth of nature*
585+fuck this
586+%
587+@Busocco: *casually sips a melted candle*
588+You mean "you're."
589+%
590+@MuscularSon: this porn sucks these lesbian babes say their bored but i can see a computer, a portal to other magical worlds, in the back. thumbs down
591+%
592+@fart: if only we could harness the energy of white people's desire to be the first of their friends to own a fiat
593+%
594+@Ennui_Raver: Whats that? Hitler was a monster, who was responsible for some of the worst atrocities of the 20th century?? Well, actually, hitler is good
595+%
596+@MikesRadTwites: I know what you're thinking: "You only like Macklemore so much because he's white." Well, you're wrong. It's also because I'm in college.
597+%
598+@CBoyardee: in high speed car chase with police. trying desperately to unwrap this mcchicken before i go to jail
599+%
600+@BikiniBabeLover: Pull yourself Together Drew Carey Your To High. hes eating everything on set. Drew keeps callig himself Jim Carrey and laughing hysterically
601+%
602+@briangaar: *follows attractive woman out to balcony*
603+so then they released the Wii, which was basically a Gamecube with motion controls
604+%
605+@thatsnotkosher: [dont pronounce Denny's as denies. Don't pronounce Denny's as denies] mr president would you like to get some grand slams at denies
606+%
607+@johntorn: stay in school, I'm serious, you think you won't but you WILL need grammar when you're proofreading the stencil for your shitty neck tattoo
608+%
609+@neonwario: I always assumed "gay for pay" just meant you really liked money, but it's too late to back out now
610+%
611+@mattytalks: Ladies call me the Joe Paterno statue because I'm in bad taste,I weigh 1000's of pounds and have been forcibly removed from a college campus
612+%
613+@dril: inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. "Im Sorry Sir" "Ill Do Better Sir" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen
614+%
615+@robwhisman: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate take to long to get ready!! also drowning their children
616+%
617+@rolldiggity: Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
618+%
619+@Lowenaffchen: Local High Schooler Forced To Turn Dragon T-Shirt Inside Out. "All the hot girls were distracted by how cool it was," the principal told us
620+%
621+@Lowenaffchen: if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
622+%
623+@MuscularSon: i cant control my enormous nerd sons. they force me to cosplay as a police box from Dr Who and take turns paintballing my nude torso
624+%
625+@dogboner: john wilkes booth just wanted to see a play and this asshole sits in front of him with a tall ass hat on like hes king shit of fuck mountain
626+%
627+@Hermit_Thrush: Waiter? Instead of unlimited breadsticks can i get a finite but indefinitely large number of breadsticks? i draw a philosophical distinction
628+%
629+@graeyalien: "Firemen" will never win their pointless war yet we continue to subsidize the charade
630+%
631+@fart: who is a dog's favorite actor
632+
633+bark ruffalo
634+%
635+@electrolemon: the final stage of pregnancy is also known as the "british spelling period" because that's when either U is in labor, or U is in mom
636+%
637+@Ennui_Raver: dear diary. i had another scary encounter with a goose today, but luckily this time i was safe anf sound inside my hyundai
638+%
639+@dril: GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC-- WILL THIS COMMON TUBERCULOSIS VACCINE GIVE ME THE GOOD AUTISM OR THE BAD AUTISM???
640+%
641+@robwhisman: i've watched this roughly a thousand times and it never gets less amazing https://t.co/pwd14c3dsH
642+%
643+@BronzeHammer: when its time to put my dogs down, im not taking them to the cold, sterile vet to say goodbye. ill just throw a nerf football into a volcano
644+%
645+@leyawn: dude... DUDE... why do we drive on the highway and get high in my driveway
646+%
647+@ahuj9: it's so hard to find a good babysitter these days. no one will sit on my infant for money.
648+%
649+@spaceship_earth: i know a certain pick up 'artist' who ran a sick magic 'routine,' hung around with hookers and has been living with his dad for 2000 years
650+%
651+@BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life
652+%
653+@boring_as_heck: I own one of those shirts that lights up when you're listening to music, and I vote.
654+%
655+@fart: so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over
656+%
657+@MuscularSon: I'm looking for 3 Hyper Muscular Latino Grandads to come over and rattle some chains and frighten my large sons into going to bed early
658+%
659+@hamsandcastle: Ah you might think that is a female dwarf! But that is actually a bit of a miss gnomer.
660+%
661+@ieatanddrink: Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you're doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I'll explain
662+%
663+@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
664+1 Ricochet
665+2 Retrieve, rethrow
666+3 Line up birds precisely
667+4 Huge boulder
668+5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
669+%
670+@ahuj9: Death is Certain, Charlie Brown
671+%
672+@cat_beltane: ON THE FLIGHT, MY ACCOMPLICES & I COMBINE OUR 3-OUNCE SHAMPOOS INTO 1 CONTAINER. "THIS IS IT, BOYS.." I WHISPER "THE DEADLY 9-OUNCE SHAMPOO"
673+%
674+@dangerousneil: whenever i order pizza onjline i feel like sandra bullock in The Net
675+%
676+@UrplePingo: What idiot called it Lake Titicaca instead of Boobshit Lagoon
677+%
678+@brideylee: What's your favorite band? I'm kidding.
679+%
680+@BronzeHammer: *arches a piss stream into a trashcan from across the room while still sitting in my computer chair* I Fucking Love Science
681+%
682+@Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that the grumpy cat is grumpy his paedomorphic expression is actually a look of longing, a longing for the void of nonexistence
683+%
684+@ahuj9: "Ugh, I can't wait to change my name to something cool." - Eugene Zombie, before he became Rob Zombie.
685+%
686+@brendlewhat: as grandma used to say, if you can't abstract yourself from something through a layer of proprietary technology, don't bother doing it.
687+%
688+@graeyalien: my idiot daughter got married to a snippet of dubsteb beat!!!!!!! i regret bring family to america!!!!!!!!!
689+%
690+@boring_as_heck: *throws my hat in the ring* can you guys stop boxing for a minute so I can grab my hat
691+%
692+@ahuj9: Or the singular form, Tom Hank
693+%
694+@doctor_ass: "69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal
695+%
696+@IamEnidColeslaw: when I pierce the egg with my fork I like to let out a high-pitched wail as the yolk bleeds all over the plate
697+%
698+@tastefactory: Son, it's time we had a talk about Burt's Bees... In 1984, co-founder Roxanne Quimby began making candles from Burt Shavitz's leftover beesw
699+%
700+@Dead_Wizard: "Thunder is the angels listening to dubstep" I said to my son. I gently removed his Google Glass and tucked him into his Pepsi Sleep Cocoon
701+%
702+@disaster_dog: just broke up with my boyfriend via pacman highest score names
703+%
704+@buttplanet: Mark Zuckerberg announces changes to Facebook newsfeed. "More racist uncles," he said. "You'll see 180% more racist uncles posting things."
705+%
706+@Tormny_Pickeals: its a myth that bulls hate the color red what they really hate is being born into a uncaring godless universe and when boys dont text back
707+%
708+@WyanRilson: *gets bit by an radioactive white girl*
709+*my legs turn to yoga pants*
710+I FCUKEN LOVE GRUNMPY CAT
711+%
712+@brownboyblues: dude whoever named the orangutan good fucking job man lol
713+%
714+@weedhitler: party glock is in my mouth tonight, this joke’s dated and i wanna fucking die
715+%
716+@bridger_w: The year is 2043. The world population has exploded to over 10 billion. Gangs of ruthless criminals roam the streets. Judge Judy is dead
717+%
718+@freecialis: Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings...could you remind me again how many Ulysses has?
719+%
720+@cat_beltane: a good way 2 find out if yr a dog person or cat person is ask yrself would i rather live with a big weird toddler or a blood-drinking demon
721+%
722+@graeyalien: "as much protein as 1 egg!" we're all soooo impressed GoLean Crunch. maybe i'll just go buy 1 egg. fucking idiot crunch. braggart.
723+%
724+@thatsnotkosher: i’m so fucking stressed after finding out i’m the only one who can prevent forest fires
725+%
726+@electrolemon: wow, cool bo staff donatello. i mean, he has a gun, but yeah, thanks for bringing a tall stick to the drug bust. piece of shit idiot turtle
727+%
728+@dry_hugs: *leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire
729+%
730+@glenna_opt: charlotte's web presence
731+%
732+@BassoonJokes: Has the mayor of Detroit tried the money cheat from Sim City 2000?
733+%
734+@rad_milk: i pull my face out from between your thighs and spin the propeller on my hat
735+%
736+@lordbeef: A horror movie designed for tiny dogs that's just people periodically making sudden movements
737+%
738+@bonerman_inc: LADIES - call me the phonebook because you're still not 100% sure how to stop me from appearing uninvited at your doorstop every few months
739+%
740+@UrplePingo: Kinda dumb that they don't call boxing "fisting" isn't it? Anyway welcome to Applebee's can I start you folks off with some drinks?
741+%
742+@fart: i hope this tweet in which i express my feeling that we should pardon bradley manning is the one that turns the tide and makes it happen
743+%
744+@robfee: Air Buds coach is screamin at the refs but theres no rule saying the other team cant toss beggin strips into the stands. Air Buds goin nuts.
745+%
746+@mrdavehill: Erotic short story #218: A couple was getting married and a guy showed up and beat everyone up with a cross and banged the bride on a bus.
747+%
748+@FuckTyping: I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats.
749+*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
750+Cats are also cute.
751+%
752+@HunkyJimpjorps: avoid these rap boasts: longest crying jag, loosest stools, most panic attacks at the supermarket, most dead houseplants, deepest ennui
753+%
754+@extranapkins: Today saw a font in Papyrus (ugh!) and I said "should of used Helvetica!" out loud to myself. Yeah I know a lot about Fonts and design
755+%
756+@AHoleAlex: f the haters. seronade the haters. braise the haters w a nice orange glaze. bury the haters in freshly tilled loam. water haters frequently
757+%
758+@Fart_Bringer: "Great work God! It looks like youre all done designing humans so le-"
759+"Give em hair on their asses"
760+"What? Are you su-"
761+"Give em ass hair"
762+%
763+@chuchugoogoo: what a lovely day, the birds are chirping, the jeffgolds are in blum
764+%
765+@ahuj9: yo how'd that dog turn into a helmet *points to turtle*
766+%
767+@leh0n: Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper
768+%
769+@MuscularSon: yeah lemme get a 12 inch toasted BMT with *slowed down voice* all these hard ass cookies for free
770+%
771+@leducviolet: haterade is packed with disrespectrolytes
772+%
773+@robwhisman: yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out
774+%
775+@dogboner: i call him Dang cook because im always like Dang this guy rocks lol
776+%
777+@rush_less: let slip the dogs of war. rub bellies of the dogs of war. scratch behind the ears of the dogs of war. whos a good dog of war. yes you are
778+%
779+@SamGrittner: Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
780+%
781+@IamEnidColeslaw: what base is it when you steal his mail
782+%
783+@bedbugs99: thursday mornings i lay out on the curb with the trash. "we simply cannot take you," the trash men always say, "we'd get in trouble."
784+%
785+@drewtoothpaste: I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others' jobs
786+%
787+@boring_as_heck: "world's greatest dad"? *knocks mug out of my son's hands, shattering it*
788+more like world's shittiest mug. bring me the mug with tits on it
789+%
790+@TriciaLockwood: .@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
791+%
792+@ahuj9: Ages 0-2: suck on a tity. Ages 2-14: no tity. Ages 14+ suck on a tity
793+%
794+@Bro_Pair: "how do you plead" "i plead guilty...to reenacting the non-stop action of Pacific Rim in a hotel lobby full of pussies
795+%
796+@sarahjeong: "Why don't you have a job? All you have to do is learn how to code," Patrick Bateman taunts his homeless victim
797+%
798+@Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
799+%
800+@lowtax: I would like to share my controversial opinion on the Jews, but I can't decide which Pirate Bay torrent I should comment in
801+%
802+@Busocco: How much for the horse tornado?
803+Sir, that's a carousel.
804+I must have it.
805+%
806+@Lazer_Cat_: *spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I'm sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
807+%
808+@Lazer_Cat_: "Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!" "Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!" *We both grin and put on bibs*
809+%
810+@Lowenaffchen: Cracked presents The Top 5 Phases of the Moon. 5) Waxing gibbous. This motherfucker is almost entirely visible
811+%
812+@boring_as_heck: *drives pickup truck through the front of your house* no fuckin way are dolphins mammals
813+%
814+@chuchugoogoo: "hey hand me some of that crude metal"
815+"the lead or the iron?"
816+"either ore"
817+%
818+@Trill_shitman: Girl in line at Texas state fair: "every time I drink a water bottle of vodka I black out" whoa weird me too are we soulmates?
819+%
820+@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
821+"pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
822+%
823+@extranapkins: Thanks for shopping at Krogers. Thats not cum on my pants by the way. It looks like cum, but its wood glue. Did you find everything ok today
824+%
825+@promissory_boat: fact about me: i once asked a drug dealer if could buy "a single pot" and he asked me to leave.
826+%
827+@Mickey_McCauley: To get your Native American name, ask a real Native American what his name is and then unjustly appropriate it
828+%
829+@dammitbabies: you can lead a horse to water but if you want your horse to go hard, sport stronger, and crush the competition, lead your horse to Gatorade™
830+%
831+@tinypantsbitch: #AwkwardThingsToSayInTheBedroom this is the kitchen
832+%
833+@eliyudin: "As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants
834+%
835+@woodmuffin: In GTA V you can knock out someone walking their dog and take control of it. Press triangle to use Dog.
836+%
837+@dril: The Foundation For The Restoration Of American Honor Has Given President Barack Hussein Obama A Hitler Rating Of 34. This Is The Worst One.
838+%
839+@dril: WHAT DO WE WANT
840+"Memes"
841+WHEN DO WE WANT IT
842+"Instead of regular jokes"
843+%
844+@cowcaster: you are what you eat, as they say. which is why im going to eat this flaming cornucopia of weevils and medical waste
845+%
846+@spaceship_earth: "The condemned will now be allowed to make a final statement." Yes Warden, what idiot called it the Iditarod instead of Polar Derby
847+%
848+@nice_mustard: sex ed was really awkward in high school nobody wanted to eat lunch with that dude
849+%
850+@mollersandb: I'm sorry Father, but do you have any gluten free Body Of Christ?
851+%
852+@michaeljhudson: I told everyone at the party how much I love MC Escher and I got some weird stairs
853+%
854+@koala_hugs: Please, call me Son. Dad was my father
855+%
856+@duplicitron: You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
857+%
858+@dril: what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more
859+%
860+@othersome: this pair of size 69 shoes were not worth in comical value what they cost in remortgaging my house
861+%
862+@johnfreiler: if i had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever
863+%
864+@BassoonJokes: technically ALL words are made up. i mean someone made them up at some point in time. so shut it, and let me play "Blurporg" for 52 points
865+%
866+@wolfpupy: an egg and spoon race can go a lot of ways. if its down hill bet on egg. if theres a big magnet at the finish line bet on spoon
867+%
868+@four_eels: two things if you’re a sax player with a ponytail:
869+1) congrats
870+2) u should grow the pony out long enough to use as a strap for ur sax
871+%
872+@filth_waste: i told this homeless guy to get a job and he just chattered and ran up a tree with his acorn smh
873+%
874+@filth_waste: how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
875+%
876+@filth_waste: haters in the club telling me to pay child support. haters banging they gavel.
877+%
878+@neonwario: you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought
879+%
880+@dril: my spinning 3d head rises from a dumpster full of discarded shrimp who were born fucked up by the bp oil spill. eeyaaghhHHH!!! im ALIVE baby
881+%
882+@ahuj9: those obstacle mud courses are gettin really popular so i'm cashin in on this fad by filling this mcdonald's playplace with my own shit
883+%
884+@graeyalien: New Gamer Salute i just cam e up with
885+Gamer 1:Game in Courage
886+Gamer 2: As True Gamers Dare
887+Both in Unison: May We Game Forever
888+%
889+@IamEnidColeslaw: if I ever get to Heaven I'm going to ask God why some people put bullet hole stickers on their cars
890+%
891+@earfdae: I'll have what she's having.
892+
893+*points to garbage truck violently shaking the alley dumpster into its open mechanical maw*
894+%
895+@ahuj9: The fact that the Blue Man Group is still around is really discouraging to the unemployed.
896+%
897+@bransonbranson: *walks into pet store* what is this some kind of pet cemetery for alive dogs
898+%
899+@bransonbranson: i was at six flags chicago today and the staff there realized quick that it was my Emotions that were the Real Roller Coaster
900+%
901+@bransonbranson: "One soft taco for one Hard man," they say, in the taco bell of my dreams
902+%
903+@bransonbranson: me and my future wife will be able to kill a 30 pack in ~3 hours
904+%
905+@boring_as_heck: religion is stupid. I hate it *dude in a rumpled suit knocks on my door at 6 pm and gives me a Jesus brochure* hm.. some salient points here
906+%
907+@stuartcraig: Please call me Dick, Penis was my father
908+%
909+@stuartcraig: Idk why everyone is so pissed off about the friend-zone. I'm pretty sure there's a ball pit and maybe even laser tag
910+%
911+@stuartcraig: My password for everything is weedfart0
912+"Why 0?"
913+Well Cathy that is the year that Jesus was born
914+%
915+@gewqk: i'm a speed reader. *looks at train* that's fast. *looks at my chex mix* it's goin really slow
916+%
917+@fart: liquor before beer, can i take a nap here. beer before liquor, can i text your sister
918+%
919+@nice_mustard: what idiot named them push up bras instead of brescalators
920+%
921+@nice_mustard: your porn star name is your first dog and the street you grew up on. cool mine is "spider prison" where are the auditions
922+%
923+@Penis_Zorro: *jay-z hangs painting*
924+hows that?
925+"to the left to the left"
926+now?
927+"to the left to the left"
928+*painting goes out window*
929+dammit bey thats 5 now
930+%
931+@virgiltexas: "Mr. President, what's your favorite place to make whoopee?"
932+
933+The audience hoots and Obama grins, his mind turning to the Drone Murder Room.
934+%
935+@crylenol: What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
936+%
937+@neonwario: know where i can find some dudes whose profile pictures are them wearing headphones in a dark room, faces illuminated by a computer screen?
938+%
939+@boring_as_heck: Today on The View, Drew Barrymore stops by to chat about her latest project. Plus, our favorite cocktails! Then: vaccines cause autism.
940+%
941+@chiIIdog: my friends have discovered bronies independent of me & we are all having a good laugh and im trying to conceal how much i know about bronies
942+%
943+@boring_as_heck: I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING... WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL."
944+%
945+@crylenol: Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
946+%
947+@mattytalks: My tweets are good as hell and that's why I'm in a sauna full of hot babes and they're feeding me hoagies while I coo
948+%
949+@brendohare: You actually miss 0% of the shots you don't take, that's how shots work
950+%
951+@sskylark: pretty much all your freestyle raps are thinly-veiled ads for the recorder lessons you offer for kids
952+%
953+@degg: all the other guys wearing hawaiian shirts and ponytails are pieces of shit. not me though, i look good and cool. im the cool one doing this
954+%
955+@MikesRadTwites: Swallow paint, shitbird. Eat fuck and choke on it. - last words to my awful 9yo son as I sold him for a bag of original Utz and a used dildo
956+%
957+@mostlyfeelings: put a fedora on the water cooler at work so people will stop congregating around it
958+%
959+@cool_pond: THE ALPHABET IN ORDER OF MOST WILD IN THE SACK TO LEAST WILD IN THE SACK:
960+
961+S X Q O B P R W M Y V D I G E F U C H K A J N Z T L
962+%
963+@tastefactory: "See that area up there? I'd like to somehow be standing up there." - inventor of stairs
964+%
965+@WinkyBonky: *I bury grandma in the sand* sandma
966+*I karate chop grandpa in the head* handpa
967+*I have to order a new grandpa on the internet* on demandpa
968+%
969+@leyawn: "allstate. are you?"
970+"like a good neighbor, state farm is"
971+-new ad ideas existential insurance do not steal thx
972+%
973+@four_eels: a horse walks into a bar. an elephant walks into a library. a lion walks into a hospital. it’s been five years since the last human vanished
974+%
975+@brendohare: *gently rolls over in bed* Parkour
976+%
977+@brendohare: Seriously all I did today was eat waffles and watch Wall-E how am I going to make fun of a guy for having a fake girlfriend
978+%
979+@brendohare: Andre 3000 arrives in hell. He timidly approaches Satan and says "W...what's cooler than being cool?" Satan loves irony & Andre is set free
980+%
981+@brendohare: Hey SCIENTIST: If global warming is real, then why is it COLD outside? Why isn't it HOT? Where does the sun go at NIGHT? Where did I PARK?
982+%
983+@leyawn: ad idea: robin willams stumbles out of hte jumanji game. checks his iphone 5 damn hes got hell of apps to update. good gadget ad imo hire me
984+%
985+@DinkMagic: if u have a shitload of money you can buy a special other house by a lake with shittier versions of all your stuff and go there to eat chips
986+%
987+@bransonbranson: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and 9 others who fuck regularly
988+%
989+@Mickey_McCauley: Strength alone is not enough; your password must also have Compassion
990+%
991+@Bro_Pair: president obama.....isnt it fucked up and weird to try and imagine two pterodactyls having sex. imagine the noises. i dont have a question.
992+%
993+@PajamaBen_: This is my Charizard card and this is my Zapdos, Blastoise an-
994+Sir, stop-
995+Don't interrupt me. This is Gen-
996+Sir, you had the job at Charizard
997+%
998+@Aeshir: take me down to parallax city where the hills move quickly and the mountains behind move less quickly
999+%
1000+@bread_thing: I work at a grocery store and every time I volunteer to do something I say "aisle do it" and it's a joke only for me
1001+%
1002+@bread_thing: hey girl do you wanna *pulls out dictionary* *looks up sex* woah gross what the heck never mind
1003+%
1004+@crushingbort: Please select a card theme:
1005+☐ Birthday
1006+☐ Graduation
1007+☐ It's A Boy/Girl!
1008+☑ Even Though Shark Attacks Are Statistically Very Rare, I'm Sorry
1009+%
1010+@wolfpupy: theres nothing in the rule book that says i cant kiss the basketball
1011+%
1012+@MrSpoonicorn: "What is the meaning of life?" "Why are we here?"my gold fish keeps opening his mouth to reply but doesn't know how to word it yet. i wait
1013+%
1014+@fart: there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, those who don’t, and like 8 others i guess
1015+%
1016+@crushingbort: Cute girl at the bar already got a boyfriend? Not a problem--you printed out your best Rainbow Road track times for a reason.
1017+%
1018+@nap_dad: "sometimes men can be so misleading / to take what they need from you" says a man writing an album to get himself laid
1019+%
1020+@IGotsSmarts: Taylor Swift When Taylor Being Chased By Predator
1021+%
1022+@WeedCoffin: how come when jesus heals the blind hes "amazing" but when i glue googly eyes on a deer's butt i'm "kicked in the face by a deer"
1023+%
1024+@DieselCheese: want to see who can fit more crackers in their mouth
1025+"dad i dont care"
1026+tahts nine
1027+"dad i have homework to do"
1028+ats fefteem ur losing
1029+%
1030+@jawbroken: November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
1031+%
1032+@othersome: obama moves the microphone away, points at a member of the press, turns to the secret service and whispers “he wants the d”
1033+%
1034+@thefurlinator: *phone vibrates*
1035+...
1036+*phone vibrates again*
1037+"Sir, you might want to answer that, freedom is calling"
1038+"No, let freedom ring"
1039+%
1040+@leyawn: doc you gotta help me. i cant tell if im purchasing and consuming Bud Lite Lime-A-Ritas® ironically or sincerely anymore. the refreshing rea
1041+%
1042+@othersome: did you done a crim? hi im Bill Lawyer and if u done a Bad Thing, i wil put on my suit and go to the jodge and tell him u didnt do it #Law
1043+%
1044+@MuscularSon: happy birthday america. i love this country even though there's a clause in the constitiution that say s i cant mow a clitoris into my lawn
1045+%
1046+@spaceship_earth: "Sir, please stop downing those can beers" The experiment requires me to continue
1047+%
1048+@ingmarbirdman: if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door
1049+%
1050+@ingmarbirdman: after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode
1051+%
1052+@boring_as_heck: Hearing reports that Twitter may "unverify" Aaron Hernandez. Talk about irreparable damage to one's brand. Heavy stuff.
1053+%
1054+@crispinbest: "bitch i might be" - shrödinger's cat
1055+%
1056+@robwhisman: fuck/marry/kill: anthropomorphized red m&m, anthropomorphized yellow m&m, anthropomorphized brown m&m
1057+%
1058+@BrodyKenny: have too much to drink? get a friend to call you a cab. they'll be like "you're a cab" and you'll likely find it amusing due to intoxication
1059+%
1060+@blaudiablogan: Had a great dinner at the C*****r Barrel
1061+%
1062+@rolldiggity: The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
1063+%
1064+@graeyalien: Hmm What should
1065+my sexy r&b singer name be? Seal? As in aquatic seals? Sea creature. Swimmy mammal. rep that for rest of my life i guess.
1066+%
1067+@bonus500: High school debate champion wins again by answering "Yes it does" 93 times in a row to 92 consecutive arguments of "No it doesn't"
1068+%
1069+@tylerschmall: *coach takes huge hit off blunt*
1070+"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
1071+%
1072+@rad_milk: *hears a girl talkin about some hot guy* hmph he probably cant even wield a sword very good lmao
1073+%
1074+@AceMakesWords: Tragedy strikes us today as a local "Caution Tape" factory explodes, leaving officials unsure how to properly barricade the area
1075+%
1076+@varylarge: i think blink 182 put the 182 at the end of there name bcuz they wanted to just be blink but the hotmail email adress was all ready taken
1077+%
1078+@MuscularSon: hey kids *sits on a backwards chair* when you think about it the first php bulletin board was really the bible. check it out sometime
1079+%
1080+@JoughStrix: You say potato. I say potato as well. We cannot stop saying potato. We die. Our tombstones read 'potato.' death is the only escape.
1081+%
1082+@crushingbort: "When is a door not a door? When it's ablaze." I kick the door down, impressing the other firefighters with both my humor and strength
1083+%
1084+@leyawn: the guy next to me is havin a way better convo with his hairdresser cmon leon step it up "SO WATS YOUR FAV THING ABOUT HAIR" fuck fuck ffuck
1085+%
1086+@degg: im fat but handsome and my hair is luxurious. my butt smells and i cant stress enough how heavyset i am
1087+%
1088+@jitka: "Slim Jim" is short for "Slames James"
1089+%
1090+@UrplePingo: Well I'm fluent in three dialects of Elvish so that explains the panties in the chandelier
1091+%
1092+@yourpalsparky: some may tell you bulbasaur was the best pokemon to start with cause he's good against rock & water but guess what life is full of hardship
1093+%
1094+@DankHerbMullet: aqua teen hunger games
1095+%
1096+@DankHerbMullet: should never have brought babar to the damn club "i like learning" be cool, babar. fuck.
1097+%
1098+@ivanthefargo: Best quote from zoo today: "mom checkout the monkeys or whatever the fuck in here" - a full grown man in reference to the meerkat exhibit.
1099+%
1100+@Tormny_Pickeals: lady, if my sea lion impression where i strip nude & eat raw fish gets more attention than ur zoo animals, then ur zoo's the problem. not me
1101+%
1102+@stuartcraig: At 11:11 I wish that everyone who is superstitious would take a science class
1103+%
1104+@grifteezy: What a crazy world! Pizza is a fruit, water is a metal, anime is a mental disorder. The sky is flames. A 4th dimensional skull is president
1105+%
1106+@dril: fucking Nude Man ruine all our laser tag games, cant shoot him cause he isnt wearing the vest, cant rack up any points against him
1107+%
1108+@Lowenaffchen: 1863: I'm standing on the Mason-Dixon line rubbing the Union and Confederate flags together and making kissing noises. Everyone is yelling
1109+%
1110+@BuckyIsotope: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's" I sob as I cram them into both barrels of a loaded shotgun and put it in my mouth. I die delicious.
1111+%
1112+@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
1113+%
1114+@ahuj9: the best part about being a cartographer is you can use height maps and contour lines to figure out the best place to make out
1115+%
1116+@postcrunk: stereotypes persist because they're more marketable than the idea of individual complex beings with unfathomable realities
1117+%
1118+@MuscularSon: *slides next to girl at the bar* and imo the whole subculture of weird twitter is just an extension of post modernism
1119+%
1120+@MuscularSon: just realized that the Aeron Chair by Herman Miller - Highly Adjustable Graphite Frame - with PostureFit - Carbon Classic (Medium) cant hug
1121+%
1122+@bransonbranson: grow my dick four inches in *four* weeks???!?!??? but the winter formal is on saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1123+%
1124+@bransonbranson: i'm dry humping the shit out of this chick in a one piece bathing suit in this outdoor motel hot tub and i voted Cigarettes for president
1125+%
1126+@brendlewhat: Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
1127+%
1128+@bug_deal: ive been dating your mom…. carbon dating that is ;D she's ten million years old and ive been Fucking her too
1129+%
1130+@Bro_Pair: You like my tweets, homo? *flexes biceps* yeah I bet you like my tweets you big fag *arches rippling back*
1131+%
1132+@briangaar: My dad keeps calling lol I'm not talking to someone with 20 followers
1133+%
1134+@hamsandcastle: Just learned that bathrooms don't count as rides in Roller Coaster Tycoon and am shutting down Toilet Acres with a heavy heart.
1135+%
1136+@lizard_wizard77: yr tellin me i left the forest for the 1st time in my fuckin life for shoes w/ wheels?? wish i never even found this coupon for rollerblades
1137+%
1138+@BevisSimpson: Next on the discovery channel an elephant balancing on a ball. And you wont believe how many clowns come out of one car. Next on discovery
1139+%
1140+@BikiniBabeLover: "PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM...
1141+
1142+P - PLEASUREFUL
1143+I - INTERESTING
1144+Z - CANT THINK OF ONE
1145+Z - CANT THINK OF ONE
1146+A - "AGG"-CELLENT
1147+%
1148+@RorynotRoy: “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
1149+%
1150+@UtilityLimb: yes terry our job IS just to make them but shouldn't we tell someone about this order for 6,000,000,000 "BONESLAVE" novelty license plates?
1151+%
1152+@crushingbort: it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the guns taped to the dogs head *batman voice* Alfred look what I did to the dog
1153+%
1154+@Bro_Pair: Well....as the agreat Persian poet Rumi eonce wrote "Out beyond good and evil there is a field. Please let me finger you there"
1155+%
1156+@barf_bag_: *children line up, Captain von Trapp plays whistle*
1157+ma$e,
1158+ke$ha,
1159+a$ap rocky
1160+too $hort
1161+curren$y
1162+%
1163+@mostlyfeelings: *cries because my lawnmover has moved on to another lawn* it is so sad
1164+%
1165+@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com:
1166+
1167+*man yells nonsense out his window*
1168+
1169+Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
1170+%
1171+@fart: i've been going to starbucks a lot more ever since i decided my starbucks cup name is “Rasmussen”
1172+%
1173+@boring_as_heck: THIS IS A ROBBERY. Hand over all the cash, preferably in a giant suspicious bag with a dollar sign on it.
1174+%
1175+@boring_as_heck: Lebron. Are you happy you won. "Yes." There you have it, folks.
1176+%
1177+@TrevorsDumbass: take me down to the alzheimers city where the grass is green and welcome to the jungle
1178+%
1179+@TheThomason: A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom.
1180+%
1181+@nickmullen: calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son
1182+%
1183+@boring_as_heck: "A person of note has died. Time to change the tenses on their Wikipedia page." - literally multiple people
1184+%
1185+@graeyalien: OHHHHHHHHHHHH Bro + Ponies
1186+%
1187+@BronzeHammer: Hey kid...catch
1188+*Lebron tosses kid his headband*
1189+*Kid tosses it back*
1190+Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
1191+%
1192+@Fred_Delicious: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
1193+"officer, I'm..."
1194+*turns to camera*
1195+"double jointed"
1196+*cop starts breakdancing*
1197+%
1198+@crushingbort: do you think Hitler was the kind of guy who marched up an escalator or did he just stood there and if so did he let other people go by
1199+%
1200+@MuscularSon: sexually frustrated frank caliendo tryin to pick up a 21 year old girl at the bar without doin the madden voice
1201+%
1202+@boring_as_heck: Rob, what was it like on the set of Grown-Ups 2? Must have been a real laugh riot! "Haha, it was a great experience. Vaccines cause autism."
1203+%
1204+@piss_wizard: NEW JO BSEARCH STRATEGY: GET DRUNK, REPLY WITH CV AND "YEAH I CAN DO THIS" TO EVERY ADVERT. DONT WASTE TIME READING THE ADVERT.
1205+%
1206+@ahuj9: *takes a picture of a stop sign and sends it to a blog about passive agressive notes*
1207+%
1208+@rov_rovovo: i made a graph of the reasons i've been dumped in the past. this is the ex-axis and this is the why-axis
1209+%
1210+@Kalarlis: look i'm sorry but when i committed myself to this relationship i didn't realize that you don't have netflix
1211+%
1212+@dubstep4dads: you've got a 9. would you like to hit, sir?
1213+"sure"
1214+*hands card*
1215+"11? thats not even a card wh-"
1216+*you look up. your dealer is bush. he grins*
1217+%
1218+@electrolemon: So the NSA heard everytime a girl told me I was great in bed?! [i peer over my shoulder & move closer to some women by the bar] So the NSA h
1219+%
1220+@dril: review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off
1221+%
1222+@Mickey_McCauley: Lil Wayne pauses. "You feel it?" The earth trembles again, harder. A crow caws. His eyes widen in fear as the the horns sound. "Big Wayne."
1223+%
1224+@Mickey_McCauley: Start an argument by adding another woman to the stick-figure family decals on the back of a minivan
1225+%
1226+@crushingbort: Hello, not-confident guy here. Mind if I group with you all? Trying to talk to a girl here among us. I'm not threatening anyone. So, sports
1227+%
1228+@crushingbort: She pre-ordered the D
1229+%
1230+@jitka: I can't believe nobody thought of sandwiches until like the 1700s. The past was stupid
1231+%
1232+@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president*
1233+*is asked race sensitive question
1234+"The thing is, I don't see color"
1235+*crowd goes wild*
1236+%
1237+@DuncanIdunno: Judge a person by how long they commit to an unsuccessful attempt at starting a chant
1238+%
1239+@hell_homer: Hello, 911? My grandson said Windows 2000 is "gay and old like me"
1240+%
1241+@electrolemon: "Open the car doors, mom!" "The button is broken. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." Thus spoke Sara Thrustra, from her 2001 Honda Odyssey
1242+%
1243+@johnfreiler: most people move to the suburbs to escape the bustle of city life, find a better school district, or to have more room to bury the bodies
1244+%
1245+@ceejoyner: Kind of hard to be on time for work when I have to stop at every steaming sewer grate to rip a sax solo.
1246+%
1247+@Kyle_Lippert: A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
1248+%
1249+@Kyle_Lippert: If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, you've broken its spirit & it's now insecure & weak. It has been defeated. You won
1250+%
1251+@Kyle_Lippert: Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.
1252+%
1253+@Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying
1254+%
1255+@leyawn: morpheus is making leon a sandwich!! *crew of the nebuchadnezzar stop what theyre doing and run to the control room*
1256+%
1257+@boring_as_heck: Tesla ftw. Big time Tesla fan here. F*ck yeah Tesla. Oh for the last god damn time I'm allowed to smoke this inside, it's an e-cig.
1258+%
1259+@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"
1260+%
1261+@amelialikesyou: *takes sip of wine, staring out the window as Rain gently cascades off the Glass* i wonder how many times tom hanks Fucked that volleyball
1262+%
1263+@diaper_wolf: mum is mad that she bought me a treadmill & i never use it. shes wrong; i put a burger on it just this morning and had it zoom into my mouth
1264+%
1265+@leyawn: *looks at a beautiful swan* that is a bull shit goose
1266+%
1267+@leyawn: i hope every one is trying their best online today but also having fun
1268+%
1269+@leyawn: OBAMA: I PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET. ROMNEY [HASTILY]: UH I ALSO PROMISE TO SEND SPACE SHIP TO CAT PLANET #DEBATE #CAT #PLANET
1270+%
1271+@Mickey_McCauley: The NSA has been collecting millions of phone records, 80% of which were outgoing calls from the Jerk Store
1272+%
1273+@tastefactory: To make their essays seem longer, students in the Middle Ages often used Courier Olde font instead of the standard Medieval Times New Roman
1274+%
1275+@dril: i can't afford any rat literature because i spent too much money on the elaborate sign over my empty bookcase which reads "RAT LITERATURE"
1276+%
1277+@leyawn: hugghhhh yea this tomato is fresh. lets turn it into a stupid sugar paste instead fo a million other better things
1278+%
1279+@emergingthought: use discount code SMDH and we will shake our damn heads while we pack your order
1280+%
1281+@LordSuplexious: Hey everybody we're LinkedIn Park are we're gonna sing you a song about the correct way to page break on your resume
1282+%
1283+@michael_raphone: The fact that earthworms are called earthworms suggests the existrnce of sea worms and, more distressingly, air and fire worms.
1284+%
1285+@ChrisThayerSays: "I also enjoy fingering." - Michael Douglas announcing he has Carpal Tunnel
1286+%
1287+@sucittaM: When you ask me to tell someone you said hello I actually tell them you said the N word. Maybe just text them next time.
1288+%
1289+@spaceship_earth: yeah let me send u my snapchat, i love seeing your content so much, i want to look at it on a different app
1290+%
1291+@fart: i want to do something spontaneous like throw a dart at a map and live wherever it lands, then make a whole new life in the indian ocean
1292+%
1293+@dril: my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou
1294+%
1295+@dril: me and TekkenChauncey banned from red lobster after getting into scuffle over gradius canon & becoming tangled in decorative fishing net
1296+%
1297+@snazzmania: 2064; Gangnam Style plays softly over a diner radio. An old man gently takes his wife's hand. "Hey sexy lady, they're playing our song."
1298+%
1299+@snazzmania: What if your dog suddenly made the "AUWAH-AH-AH-AH" sound from Down With The Sickness, that'd be fucking terrifying
1300+%
1301+@nice_mustard: ladies, sex with me is like gun control. no matter how much we talk about it nothing happens bc we can't get it to work down south
1302+%
1303+@crushingbort: Air Bud sees his first murder scene after joining the force and throws up. "You'll get used to i--" Air Bud is already eating it all back up
1304+%
1305+@Lowenaffchen: Online tips: 1. Dont look at porno or your wife will find out 2. Theres a site called History that shows your wife what pornos you looked at
1306+%
1307+@electrolemon: "do you love trail mix, but hate all the gross peanuts and raisins in there? well guess what motherfucker," begins my kickstarter
1308+%
1309+@SexCarl: what you nimrods interpret as spam mail has provided me with several ipads and a massive, powerful penis
1310+%
1311+@TitaniumToplass: Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do
1312+%
1313+@mauracakes: If you're really hot you can express any horrible opinion with impunity. My goal weight is telling everyone that the Jews did 9/11
1314+%
1315+@craigslistlove: Basically imagine Milhouse but taller
1316+%
1317+@laurenbutt: when girls go to the bathroom as a pair we are absolutely smooshing our boobs against each other and just generally having a ball
1318+%
1319+@tastefactory: Oh great, I just remembered I'm a weird, self-aware animal that lives on a big scary space rock.
1320+%
1321+@lizard_wizard77: “dont date the player date the game” –the rapper the game
1322+%
1323+@YUNGLIKEAHORSE: *kills hitler* hm, looks like i pitched a no-hitler *strangles himmler* the heindrich manuever *looks at camera* they did nazi that coming
1324+%
1325+@Mobute: 19 Companies That Made Huge Social Media Fails -
1326+1. Dessauer Chemist - Zyklon B.
1327+2. Union Carbide - Bhopal disaster.
1328+3. Dow - Napalm.
1329+%
1330+@Bro_Pair: typical media bias: none of the sunday morning talk shows said word 1 about me & a buddy getting our dicks caught in a chinese finger-trap
1331+%
1332+@ceejoyner: A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
1333+%
1334+@flannel_toilet: i have a phd in 90s remembering. my thesis is titled Non-Pejorative Slam Pieces: Pogs as Postmodern Expression of the Fucken Rad. unemployed
1335+%
1336+@brownboyblues: Thats So Raven! Wow Thats Really Raven! Whoa Thats A Little Too Raven. Hey Man Im Worried About How Raven That Is. Take It Easy On The Raven
1337+%
1338+@lawblob: if I had a time machine I'd go back and explain to Hitler how bad his personal brand was becoming
1339+%
1340+@leyawn: i got all my ducks in a chaotic, constantly moving flock that swarms around me wherever i go. we shit on your stupid row of ducks
1341+%
1342+@dril: what's that bitch?? you say twitter is a "vacuous cesspool of lackadaisical platitudism"? yeah, i can make up words too: blublubludgyuhgh
1343+%
1344+@dril: legally obligated to go door to door and inform neighbors of sex offender status but this is a good opportunity to sell my custom Gamecube's
1345+%
1346+@lawblob: hi it’s me, the guy with 30 followers. I’m here to talk about the spelling / grammar in your last tweet
1347+%
1348+@ariscott: 1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous
1349+
1350+2003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known
1351+
1352+2013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine
1353+%
1354+@weedguy420boner: When I die please remove the dirt compartment from my roomba and set him free in the streets
1355+%
1356+@mattytalks: I had a dream where I was visited by the ghost of Christmas fast and the ghost of Christmas furious
1357+%
1358+@mattytalks: "Stacy's Mom is Buried in my Lawn" ~ Fountains of John Wayne Gacy
1359+%
1360+@Home_Halfway: Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
1361+%
1362+@Are_Kelly: it's the remix to ignition/ college student edition/ i eat poptarts for dinner/ i can't afford my tuition
1363+%
1364+@Bro_Pair: "Tech support? Xbox One didn't measure my insulin level correctly...what? Died 3 years ago? impossible. I'M the owner of this Xbox. Unless-"
1365+%
1366+@crylenol: [Wu-Tang Pot Luck]
1367+
1368+"All I brought was the ruckus"
1369+"Yea, me too."
1370+"Did anyone not bring the ruckus?"
1371+*silence*
1372+%
1373+@kbridge: The next meeting of Time Traveler's Club will be held immediately prior to this one, as you know.
1374+%
1375+@Tom_Vom: it's kinda dope to think that Tom Hanks and I are on the same internet, just browsing sites and having fun.
1376+%
1377+@lawblob: meeting women is easy. first, go to a place where women congregate, such as a pond or a windmill. then you wait…days, months, maybe years
1378+%
1379+@Duane1024: Do you have someone in your home who loves baseball? Then they will absolutely love a DVR: a digital video recorder.
1380+%
1381+@SCbchbum: Get the fuck out if you go on The People’s Court without a stack of irrelevant papers to shuffle through.
1382+%
1383+@WeedCoffin: *drags a dead body into apple store* YO WHERE'S SIRI I NEED SIRI RIGHT FUCKING NOW
1384+%
1385+@OuterJohn: In olden times an okcupid profile listed three things: length of mustache, number of wagons, and all-time favorite wheat field
1386+%
1387+@dammitbabies: ‘What’s cooler than cool?’
1388+You venture: Ice Cold?
1389+“No.” Andre 3000 turns to face you. “Betrayal,” he sneers.
1390+Your heart stops. He knows.
1391+%
1392+@famouscrab: some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
1393+%
1394+@crushingbort: "You are NOT the father," Maury yells. Guy starts dancing. Richard Dawkins stands up in the audience. "Do you know who is also not a Father"
1395+%
1396+@mattytalks: What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering
1397+%
1398+@davedittell: I wish I was a stand up comedian, Stephen Hawking said as he blew out his candles.
1399+TECHNICALLY THAT'S TWO WISHES, STEPHEN, BUT I'LL GRANT IT
1400+%
1401+@boring_as_heck: Hundreds of 69-year-olds commit mass suicide. "They'll have to say 69 on the news a lot," said the leader of the group, a huge bad-ass.
1402+%
1403+@boring_as_heck: Kudos to the reporters yelling "Do you smoke crack" at Rob Ford, as if maybe he'll be like "Oh, yeah, totally."
1404+%
1405+@jonnysun: i cant believe you kiled Death himself adn turned him into a sofa... what have u done. this has serious reaper cushions
1406+%
1407+@johnfreiler: are recent college grads still getting "oh, the places you'll go" as gifts or are we just giving them "the road" yet
1408+%
1409+@MrSpoonicorn: i know what youre thinking & no, this isnt real barbed wire around my arm, its a sick tatt thats designed to look like it. im tough as hell
1410+%
1411+@911VICTIM: my gf blew over when i went to pick her up. but because my car is really fast. not because shes cardboard
1412+%
1413+@drugmountain: 1920s: I hate flappers
1414+1960s: I hate hippies.
1415+1980s: I hate yuppies.
1416+Today: I hate hipsters.
1417+2030s: I hate grimples
1418+2070s: I hate jonkflons
1419+%
1420+@lawblob: saw some guy checking me out so I was like “whats ur problem bro! u like dudes?” I punched him then we kissed
1421+
1422+also, someone broke ur mirror
1423+%
1424+@duckpuppet: You shot 4,548,645,546,872 pounds of buffalo, but you can only carry 50 back to the wagon Press Any Key To Continue
1425+%
1426+@iRowlf: "Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!"
1427+
1428+-Vin Diesel eating a purse
1429+%
1430+@MuscularSon: somebody has eaten my last hot dogh *makes a fucked up fweird face out my mansion window as lighting strikes* someone will die tonight
1431+%
1432+@yerfavoritejoel: million dollar idea: Give me a million dollars and I stop ripping up your lawn with my giant bird feet
1433+%
1434+@ideaot: how many rules does it take to screw in a fight bulb
1435+%
1436+@fart: so the IRS took a closer look at groups whose entire thing is “man we hate paying taxes” and this is bad or dumb somehow
1437+%
1438+@dril: YOUTUBE VID "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS. TIME TO ROLL OUT THE "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR
1439+%
1440+@SanditonCoffee: We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
1441+%
1442+@blaudiablogan: I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.
1443+%
1444+@lawblob: my favorite yoga position is breathing heavily against the glass outside the yoga studio
1445+%
1446+@TheThomason: Bought the world a Coke. One can for 7 billion people. There's no sharing, only bloodshed. A warlord rules this smoking ruin. I'm sorry.
1447+%
1448+@ahuj9: Trying to learn a new language? Switch your phone to another language and soon you'll have no idea why the fuck you did that. Switch it back
1449+%
1450+@2tonbug: Every time I think I can pull off a fedora, the person moves their head
1451+%
1452+@spaceship_earth: if you arent constantly going viral im not sure where our business interest meet sir
1453+%
1454+@JevenSteakobson: *scans hieroglyphs* by god we found it.. the Lost Meme *ceiling starts to collapse* theres no time. the world will never know Upset Pharaoh
1455+%
1456+@crushingbort: AD 2013. Racism has been completely eliminated from the face of the earth. Except for the existence of black history month and no white hist
1457+%
1458+@brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"
1459+%
1460+@TitaniumToplass: "OK, so it's agreed, we'll call this day Wendsday. Does anyone have anything else? Yes, Richard?"
1461+
1462+"Let's spell it fucked up"
1463+%
1464+@gawsh: authorities vow to find and destroy all rock tumblers. "we are doing everything we can to stop kids from kissing smooth, glistening stones"
1465+%
1466+@Ulillillysses: [loses an entire chicken nugget in the compueter keyboard]
1467+%
1468+@boring_as_heck: Mr. President? Sir? I think you might wanna take a look at this. It's a Biggest Fails Of The Year compilation. Oh man this part is so good.
1469+%
1470+@thrillbo: *paris, 1997* *drives around wreckage of black sedan* excuuuuuuse me, princess
1471+%
1472+@leyawn: shout out to all hte moms out there for warding off predators with bright coloration and giant eyespots on their wings
1473+%
1474+@meganamram: "I sold my iPad to buy u a loop of Oprah dancing" "I sold my tumblr to buy u a loop of a squirrel winking for ur iPad" (The Gif of the Magi)
1475+%
1476+@ariscott: Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
1477+%
1478+@leh0n: *rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!!
1479+%
1480+@woodmuffin: all right you bastard, we've got you hooked up to the polygraph and we want answers. first question: what number am i thinking of
1481+%
1482+@beefstalin: I wanna put a liner in my truck bed and make it a pool. But I want to be the guy driving and the babe chilling in the pool at the same time.
1483+%
1484+@huntermadeit: Liquids are great you can turn any floor into a dangerous one
1485+%
1486+@jake_dot: you can feed a child for just pennies a day but theyre gonna hate it pennies taste real bad, just awful
1487+%
1488+@Favvstar: robocop's full name is robert o. cop
1489+%
1490+@robwhisman: WAKA, IT'S MARVIN. YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN FLOCKA FLAME.
1491+%
1492+@robwhisman: this weather is so hot i wouldn't be surprised if it told me what a great friend i am
1493+%
1494+@robwhisman: i like my women like i like my coffee: all over my crotch mere seconds after being picked up at the arby's drive-thru
1495+%
1496+@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
1497+%
1498+@robwhisman: sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their abercrombie & fitch shirts who probly can't even name one abercrombie & fitch album
1499+%
1500+@robwhisman: don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy "the player" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "the game"
1501+%
1502+@crushingbort: "Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes*
1503+%
1504+@MaryKoCo: Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
1505+%
1506+@MaryKoCo: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hi
1507+%
1508+@MaryKoCo: If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
1509+%
1510+@MaryKoCo: Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
1511+%
1512+@MaryKoCo: Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
1513+%
1514+@weedhitler: "pizza is a vegetable" "orange soda is a fruit" "bedtimes are illegal" wait a sec. *opens doors to congress, it's full of 12 year-olds*
1515+%
1516+@maxlavergne: Groening quits Simpsons! “im tired of drawing the yelow people” he say “u have to draw them so many times to make it look like there moving”
1517+%
1518+@Linzbulb: Tap my vertebrae in the proper sequence so my rib cage opens like a locket. Climb inside and write your name on all my organs
1519+%
1520+@stuartcraig: Ok twitter, I'd say "compose" is a strong word for what were doing here
1521+%
1522+@MuscularSon: well im just mad as hell that dollar general does not have a sommelier on site but i guess this jug of carlo rossi will do for my hot dogs
1523+%
1524+@lawblob: the boss walked-in on me furiously trying to open a Capri Sun under my desk.
1525+
1526+mostly it was awkward b/c I was also watching porn at the time
1527+%
1528+@RowdyBowden: Please Choose Your Family Photo Backdrop:
1529+- Leaning On Old Wagon Wheel
1530+- Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
1531+- A Giant, Bloodshot Eye
1532+- Seagull Party
1533+%
1534+@olhnso: Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell
1535+%
1536+@DoctorDogballs: local minor league baseball team has a $10 all you can drink beer night & I'm going to show them that marketing decisions have consequences
1537+%
1538+@Mickey_McCauley: Home Alone 6: Take A Hint, Kevin
1539+%
1540+@spaceship_earth: Your libertarian sex offending college weed dealer likes a page: Esurance
1541+%
1542+@mrsjohngoodman: somewhere right now a priest is listening to "Lose Yourself" to get pumped up before an exorcism
1543+%
1544+@dukelongboard: "She wants the 'dhi" - Gandhi
1545+%
1546+@roaringblood: "When I'm with you, it's like every day is March 11." - A 311 fan who's in a really good relationship with another 311 fan
1547+%
1548+@dukelongboard: RIP John Lennon, died doing what he loved; getting murdered
1549+%
1550+@DCpierson: God approaches your deathbed. "Hey, if you've enjoyed your life experience, I would love it if you could give me all fives on this survey."
1551+%
1552+@crushingbort: at some point there's been a guy who proposed during Christmas in a Santa suit and he got turned down and there he was still in a Santa suit
1553+%
1554+@rad_milk: How Many Golden Corral Entrees Can You Fuck Before They Destroy Your All You Can Eat Contract
1555+%
1556+@galvinchow: PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
1557+%
1558+@hamsandcastle: Ru**ats in Paris
1559+%
1560+@lawblob: nice medal, grandpa *rolls eyes*
1561+
1562+wow u shot down 5 Nazi planes? *makes J/O motion*
1563+
1564+Um, I’ve killed like 5 million Nazis. It’s called XBOX
1565+%
1566+@killcops247: may i remind the defendant that he is under oath and therefore doesn't have to precede every sentence with "real talk"
1567+%
1568+@killcops247: i followed my dad on twitter and he added me to a list called "sons that i dont love" and im the only person on it
1569+%
1570+@jonnysun: first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club
1571+%
1572+@jonnysun: YO who died adn made u king?? oh rigt. ur dad, the king. i gues we do live in a monarchy here in 15th centurey englamd. im sorry for ur loss
1573+%
1574+@spaceship_earth: all the people in the club are getting meta about their shared tropes
1575+%
1576+@ceejoyner: Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
1577+%
1578+@leh0n: SHE was looking for love in all the wrong places. HE was mentally ill from doing too much irony online. The Notebook 2: Weird Notebook
1579+%
1580+@othersome: the number one most signed petition on the white house website is currently "have you ever had soup obama" followed by "admit it you did"
1581+%
1582+@AutisticPet: venue manager accidentally books 'countless crows', chaos ensues as they tear and rend the soft flesh of would-be concertgoers
1583+%
1584+@stuartcraig: Um I think you mean Fewer Misérables
1585+%
1586+@markleggett: Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".
1587+%
1588+@dril: what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player & it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA
1589+%
1590+@woodmuffin: "Hell is other mall cops" - Jean-Paul Blartre
1591+%
1592+@PajamaBen_: In a mosh pit. Youre jumping. Except youre the only person. Everyone else is a puppy. Keep jumping. Youre happy. They love you. We love you.
1593+%
1594+@MrSpoonicorn: *a shark flies in through the window & smashes into the TV*
1595+"SHARKOUR"
1596+*everyone laughs & forgives the shark because of his rad joke*
1597+%
1598+@2tonbug: I always cry whenever I'm slicing onions, because that's what my brother was doing right before he exploded
1599+%
1600+@3Dnudeman: every once in a while i like to give a nice big Thumbs up to the sun, its doing a good job and i want it to know that i appreciate it
1601+%
1602+@bransonbranson: with the number one overall pick in the 2013 nfl draft the chiefs take such a good boy, such a strong, good boy, what a good boy he is
1603+%
1604+@UtilityLimb: my pitch for a "gritty reboot of myself" isn't going so well; all the pre-schools say i can't enroll at 28
1605+%
1606+@IamEnidColeslaw: 1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs
1607+%
1608+@EireannDolan: As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"
1609+%
1610+@rad_milk: dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain
1611+%
1612+@Lindzeta: when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
1613+%
1614+@bransonbranson: would you still love your cat sooooo much if he said the n word
1615+%
1616+@nice_mustard: yeah i work in porn. you know the pizza delivery guy who shows up & has sex? *drops shades* i'm the guy who eats the pizza
1617+%
1618+@tpoact: my boss just touch my tittie & smiled. im self employed hehe
1619+%
1620+@CoolBabyRat: magneto forcing wolverine into jacking off at a funeral
1621+%
1622+@LennoxTruman: The hostess at church says there's a 45-min wait to be seated and that it makes her uncomfortable when I refer to the Olive Garden as church
1623+%
1624+@urfavoritejoel: Ladies, just call me an obscure holiday, cause you prolly won't get off on me
1625+%
1626+@SatansTongue: HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
1627+
1628+BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1629+
1630+1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
1631+
1632+DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
1633+
1634+WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP
1635+%
1636+@boring_as_heck: under where do you see yourself in 5 years you wrote "jacking off in a hot air balloon" and then "it doesnt even matter if its in the air"
1637+%
1638+@Tom_Vom: It's been a week since I started this Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. I'm tired, I haven't showered, I just want to see my family.
1639+%
1640+@ahuj9: i never learned to dance. my family shunned any movement of the arms and legs that wasn't utilitarian
1641+%
1642+@ahuj9: What if God was one of us? Posting on Reddit and tagging us in unfunny eCard pics on facebook.
1643+%
1644+@dogboner: congrats to the millionaire singers and performers who won tonight Im out of toilet paper so I'm washing the poop off my butt in the shower
1645+%
1646+@boring_as_heck: Cant believe how hard core Nirvana was... tricking a baby with money, and then the baby drowned, and u can see its wiener.. Damn
1647+%
1648+@chiIIdog: *falls in to a Hole Hidden Under Some Leafs trap*
1649+%
1650+@robwhisman: hey my name is rob but can you write rahb on my cup i haven't landed anything good on instagram in a while
1651+%
1652+@nice_mustard: before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
1653+%
1654+@doctorveritas: Curious George Plunges The Needle Down And Feels Like He Can See Into Heaven
1655+%
1656+@HunkyJimpjorps: Aren't you supposed to bury Thatcher under a crossroads or something? Otherwise she's gonna roam the countryside privatizing things
1657+%
1658+@mzeld: Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
1659+%
1660+@robwhisman: football am i right. love that sport. linebacker. ok now that chicks have stopped reading fellas i cut my sack shaving how do stop bleeding
1661+%
1662+@HAlanScott: I love sex. At least I'm pretty sure I will.
1663+%
1664+@MuscularSon: a chart of how white people who liked the chappelle show would turn it off when the musical guests came on
1665+%
1666+@robwhisman: every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can't help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt
1667+%
1668+@ughrevolution: if you leave youtube comments they should print a little booklet of all of those you've made when you die and hand it out at your funeral
1669+%
1670+@doctorveritas: "Goodbye, everybody," I say as I crawl under the bed. The monster I feared in childhood is waiting for me. I take its hand.
1671+%
1672+@boring_as_heck: chopped judge: this food is good as hell
1673+[contestant smiles]
1674+here's where you fucked up though, big time
1675+[contestant looks insanely uneasy]
1676+%
1677+@diarrhea: to make your own sexting pseudonym, you combine the name your childhood best friend and the thing you're most afraid of. mine is Mom Girls.
1678+%
1679+@SaddestTiger: excuse me sir, just letting you know that you forgot to take the tag and sticker off your hat. whoa, alright. no need for profanity.
1680+%
1681+@bn2b: I hope noone in Africa busy repaying their Kiva loans ever sees Kickstarter. "Money for an album about Dr. Mario? They pay it back right?"
1682+%
1683+@leh0n: I'm a gamer foodie. Lol at cheetos and mt dew. Toasted eggplant avocado wraps much? Eat a braised quail slider every time i get a headshot
1684+%
1685+@boring_as_heck: seems as though George Orwell was wrong about 1984. none of that stuff happened that year. way to go George. your book is worthless.
1686+%
1687+@davedittell: look at the sign, buddy, "all you can eat shrimp." sign don't say "all you WANT to eat." *cocks gun* now keep eatin.
1688+%
1689+@BronzeHammer: obamacare is a fuckin trainwreck. kids with cancer don't even want insurance now. "the website is bad," they said, dying. "its too slow"
1690+%
1691+@boring_as_heck: hello 911. somebody crapped through the glory hole in my stall. no emergency, I just wanted to tell somebody and forgot my phone password.
1692+%
1693+@leh0n: I did not ask to be born with aspergers. It was thrust upon me, just like Sonic's quest to save the master emerald from Doctor Robotnik
1694+%
1695+@dangerousneil: ok buy 4loko, energy drink, big water bottle. mix the 4loko and energy drink. drink that shit. why do u have a water bottle throw it away
1696+%
1697+@neonwario: I'm gonna kick the ass... the ass that you have... lemme start over... I'm gonna kick your ass tonight (why did i say tonight what the fuck)
1698+%
1699+@BAKKOOONN: if you put that clear disc that comes at the top of a spool of blank dvds into a dvd player theres videos of no skin people making out
1700+%
1701+@Mickey_McCauley: I Defend Pooping In The Tank Of This Orphanage's Only Toilet, Using Ayn Rand's Objectivism
1702+%
1703+@leyawn: Hurrr i dont give nicknames to my pokemon. my wifi network is called linksys and my dog is called Dog
1704+%
1705+@dril: as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard
1706+%
1707+@McNevich: 1-buy waterbed
1708+
1709+2-fill with wine
1710+
1711+3-get Capri Sun straw
1712+
1713+4-never leave your bed again
1714+%
1715+@ConorTripler: manager at subway won't tell me which sandwich artist is the most post-modern
1716+%
1717+@dogboner: He works at a startup. She opened her own gluten free dog treat shop in park slope. Their six hour long proposal video will melt your heart
1718+%
1719+@pisscop: why does barack obama remind us hes got children all the time yes obama we get it uve had sex i almost did once too, whatever man
1720+%
1721+@COMPUTER_KID: hm another practical, thoughtful multipage essay from an Affluent White Man about Traveling Light with thousands of dollars of apple gadgets
1722+%
1723+@COMPUTER_KID: I Went To College And All I Got Was This Lousy Tendency To Complain That I Never Get The Things I'm Owed
1724+%
1725+@COMPUTER_KID: *DESCENDS FROM NIGHT SKY, HOVERS SILENTLY AT DRIVETHRU* REALLY. YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO DENY ME SERVICE BECAUSE I AM NOT IN A CAR. *GLOWS*
1726+%
1727+@butt_ham: 87 dead, 142 injured and counting as the Coors Light train rips through the city again. Police urging white males to stop cracking open beer
1728+%
1729+@dangerousneil: oh whats this. *pulls dog food can out of coworker's bag that i planted earlier* Stacy eats dog food. Look at this everybody. my goodness
1730+%
1731+@drugleaf: i just lit a cigarette using a toaster like some kinda Depressed MacGyver
1732+%
1733+@AceMakesWords: (girl receives a scrawled message by carrier pigeon)
1734+"I mis u, luve. carryr pigen desrvs lotsa bred"
1735+(pigeon discreetly brushes a pen aside)
1736+%
1737+@bug_deal: I buy soap that says For Men on it because i'm one of those and i want to be sure the soap will work on me
1738+%
1739+@COMPUTER_KID: in my free time i like to sit in a fucking enormous chair and be really god damn right about the tech news
1740+%
1741+@Ennui_Raver: Hm whats that? You think capitalism is bad? Well i just found our i can buy a shrimp ring from the drug store now. So actually its good
1742+%
1743+@dril: just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit & blood will drip upon the funny impact font
1744+%
1745+@vrunt: speed dating sucks. it takes way more than 7 minutes just to explain what an arduino is
1746+%
1747+@robwhisman: check it out. put up a shelf for empty liquor bottles so people can see what we've drank. yeah. right below the boondock saints poster
1748+%
1749+@electrolemon: Gary Busey's Open Letter To Miley Cyrus Scrawled On The Back Of A Wet Chili's Napkin Is The Most Heart-Warming Thing You'll Read All Day
1750+%
1751+@boring_as_heck: This bar has a clever chalk sign outside. Let's go in and have a drink. The sign makes me want to drink here.
1752+%
1753+@neonwario: I tell ya, Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering! It's a Wife Sentence! I can't believe she's gone
1754+%
1755+@SamuelRahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.
1756+%
1757+@thatsnotkosher: Let's hear what both cheeks of my ass have to say about this issue. Welcome to CNN
1758+%
1759+@LatherRinseRT: “How did you and mom meet?”
1760+“Well I added your mom on Facebook, poked her, liked every pic, and commented ‘dang’ on the cleavage ones”
1761+%
1762+@LatherRinseRT: Hey guys. It’s me, Malcolm, from Malcolm in the Middle. But there’s nothing “in the middle” about my stance on abortion.
1763+%
1764+@spaceship_earth: so disturbed by my iDevices' post-upgrade lagging, can't even remember the last time i thought about millennials casual hookup culture
1765+%
1766+@ahuj9: November 1st - October 30th: Don't approach houses covered with bones.
1767+
1768+October 31st: Go for it.
1769+%
1770+@KomodogD: Anchorman (2004) - Will Ferrell and a star-studded cast do all the quotes from Anchorman (2004) in order (94 mins)
1771+%
1772+@vvvolte: does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
1773+%
1774+@meganamram: Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
1775+%
1776+@Lowenaffchen: what do you mean its not on there. you said you were a professional DJ. ok try searching with the ! at the end instead of after Godspeed You
1777+%
1778+@danieleastman: I saw the best joke formats of my generation destroyed
1779+%
1780+@wettbutt: "can you use it in a sentence"
1781+- He was a very Erudite drummer
1782+"can you use it in another sentence"
1783+- His drum skills were very Erudite
1784+%
1785+@mattytalks: The name is Juan, Juan Headlight
1786+%
1787+@wettbutt: hahaha im gonna get a doctorate in Anthropology and pronounce it human beans the entire time. they cant stop me its not illegal
1788+%
1789+@neonwario: straight fucking LAUGHING at the idiots who don't say how long their commute to work is with a ± margin of error
1790+%
1791+@000___000: the proper nomenclature for a group of orangutans is a confederacy of dunstons
1792+%
1793+@BAKKOOONN: big time thanksgiving tip; you put the turkey in a childs car seat and drive around with the window down. let the sun do your work, idiot
1794+%
1795+@relatabledad: dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
1796+%
1797+@shruglord: i'm not high maytance. maintice? maytennis? fuck i am high though
1798+%
1799+@TheNardvark: RT @AaronSorkin After much trepidation, I’ve decided to join Twitter. What piques my curiosity is the economy of language required to (1/57)
1800+%
1801+@briangaar: Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid
1802+%
1803+@ahuj9: Hot Camgirls that Accept Bitcoin!! These Randian honeys are Objectively smokin!! Give your invisible hand of the market a workout ;)
1804+%
1805+@wettbutt: newsflash twidiots: i actually like checking if my fridge is running. Every time you prank me with that youre making sure my food is good
1806+%
1807+@wettbutt: characterized by a devil-may-care usage of hyphens
1808+%
1809+@extranapkins: Unlike most people who don't own televisions, I don't own one on purpose. Yes, it was no accident that I don't own a television;
1810+%
1811+@vvvolte: Sometimes I really hate dealing with other people, but other times, I'm asleep so I'm not really thinking about it that much.
1812+%
1813+@Tommytoughstuff: *Ronald wipes the tears and makeup from his eyes as he digs yet another grave.* The secret sauce will be a secret at least one more day.
1814+%
1815+@logibear2: I don't know much about rap but I have weed and 9 credits in English Lit so yeah I'll listen to Drake's new album and share my thoughts
1816+%
1817+@robwhisman: what idiot called it shady records instead of marshall artists
1818+%
1819+@dril: bury my heart at wounded knee's Hard Rock Cafe franchise
1820+%
1821+@bransonbranson: SodaDawg wants to chat. SodaDawg is a criminal. You want to chat with SodaDawg.
1822+%
1823+@SexCarl: did you know that there are grown ass men going around saying their name is "Dick" lmao
1824+%
1825+@crushingbort: "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle," said Jesus, reaching for the nachos, "than for Eli to pass to his own team"
1826+%
1827+@michael_raphone: "To be perfectly Frank" - Frank, talking about his life goals.
1828+%
1829+@michael_raphone: "You have to look at the big picture" - Aggressive museum guard
1830+%
1831+@BAKKOOONN: i am surprised the tv show ended up being stupid and bad again, as are the rest of the men in my eunuch collective
1832+%
1833+@wettbutt: ive made a remix that puts anna karenina together with war and peace. its called War and Peace & Family. i also screwed it so its 8000 pages
1834+%
1835+@BuckyIsotope: Wile E Coyote steps out onto the road and sees a pile of blood and blue feathers. A truck did what he never could. He sighs and sits down.
1836+%
1837+@famouscrab: son on a scale of 1 - 100 how interesetd are you to watching me rollerblade of the roof 1 being very interested and 100 being very intersted
1838+%
1839+@famouscrab: if you dont stand for something you will fall for anything - i yell at the kfc sign
1840+%
1841+@ceejoyner: We've replaced Brenda's pommel horse with a real horse, let's see if she notices... this is magnificent.
1842+%
1843+@BAKKOOONN: how many baked potatoes will i eat today?
1844+
1845+how many stars are in the sky, wolf child
1846+%
1847+@humanbeings: hey, hogwarts, you know who else sorted people after they got off a train?
1848+%
1849+@robwhisman: i'm fat but at least i'm not "my facebook profile picture is a pokemon" fat
1850+%
1851+@wolfpupy: sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now
1852+%
1853+@apostrophebeats: Bunsen Honeydew shuts the lights on his lab. It's been lonely without Beaker. Sometimes he can still hear his dying words: "Meep, meep meep"
1854+%
1855+@wettbutt: if al songs were like Under the bridge by the chili dudes, ringo would just go, Yeellow law daw daw sub marine, Sub yeah marina hey yeah eah
1856+%
1857+@extranapkins: Pronouncing it "foist woyld" because of your ridiculous over-the-top Three Stooges-esque Brooklyn accent #FirstWorldProblems
1858+%
1859+@50cent: I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit
1860+%
1861+@buttplanet: Wilbur awoke to find a new message woven into Charlotte's Web. "I defend laissez-faire capitalism using Ayn Rand's Objectivism."
1862+%
1863+@spaceship_earth: *uses a moebius strip to symbolizew my brands commitment to core values and fresh approaches
1864+%
1865+@stuartcraig: But the gluten ate my homework!
1866+%
1867+@collatingbones: Dude i could never be muslim. i love my corvette too much. what..? oh word? thought they had a thing about cars. i guess i could do it then
1868+%
1869+@wettbutt: u know what they say. One man's trash, is always that guy's. it can only belong to one man. thats the law of garbage
1870+%
1871+@neonwario: So I said, "Yeah you can use Papyrus... If you don't give a shit about kerning!" and we've been together ever since
1872+%
1873+@brendohare: The over-sexualization of M&Ms in the media is bad for M&M Minis
1874+%
1875+@anna_train: Iran calling the White House over & over but they can't get through because Biden has installed dial up and will not stop playing Runescape.
1876+%
1877+@moshekasher: Guys, I think it might have been Walt who was "breaking bad" this whole time.
1878+%
1879+@NightValeRadio: Let me be clear. Let me be literally clear. Let me be entirely unseeable.
1880+%
1881+@dril: the absolute best place to hide your nudes is in a file folder on your desktop labelled "Clothes"
1882+%
1883+@wettbutt: have fun finding another roommate who knows all the chords to the Friends theme
1884+%
1885+@BevisSimpson: i hate when my parents call GTA "that game where you kill prostitutes". you can actually kill a fairly sick variety of people in the game
1886+%
1887+@AceMakesWords: Dang girl are you a meme because you haven't matured at all over the years but you're really popular on Facebook
1888+%
1889+@rad_milk: i have a really good memory despite all those Not Remembering drugs i always forget to try to take
1890+%
1891+@extranapkins: Ever since I got this high paid IT job + my beautiful model wife+ hdtvs streaming ASMR vids 24/7 I've noticed that capitalism is really good
1892+%
1893+@MindyFurano: my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
1894+%
1895+@collatingbones: [in the club yelling to a babe over thumping house music] THERE'S A BIG COFFEE STAIN ON MY SHIRT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THIS DIM LIGHTING
1896+%
1897+@IamEnidColeslaw: if you watch Titanic backwards it's about an ice man who leaves his ocean home to repair a ship & fuck a girl
1898+%
1899+@nice_mustard: the cutie is coming from INSIDE the deathcab
1900+%
1901+@tnylgn: When someone asks if you want to play a board game they're really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes.
1902+%
1903+@bedbugs99: Both My Dads were Millennials: How the Roflcopter Seriously, Literally Crashed into My Adolescence
1904+
1905+ by: Smooches Presley-Taylor
1906+%
1907+@wettbutt: suspect is armed, dangerous, and will not listen to reason, unless that reason is Hoobastank's "the reason"
1908+%
1909+@JulianGoldstein: BARK
1910+
1911+what Lassie?
1912+
1913+BARK BARK
1914+
1915+i'm a what? a statusquo Orwellian proletariat conformist?
1916+
1917+BARK BARK BARK
1918+
1919+no I won't take you to whole foods
1920+%
1921+@neonwario: Yeah, I like to think I'm pretty well informed. For example, my news bookmark, which I never click on, is Al Jazeera, not CNN.
1922+%
1923+@weedguy420boner: There's a 4 hour wait for a table? Maybe my friend Grover Cleveland can change your mind *slides u a 3'x4' presidential portrait*
1924+%
1925+@UtilityLimb: there's more than one way to skin a cat ;) whole lot more ways ;) some you learn by accident while petting someone's cat ;) i'm really sorry
1926+%
1927+@UtilityLimb: goofus achieves wonders like instantaneous global communication and interplanetary travel but remains governed by his own decay. gallant too
1928+%
1929+@UtilityLimb: cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong
1930+%
1931+@pharmasean: You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
1932+%
1933+@fart: the first prototype for gogurt had to have been a bunch of yogurt in a tied-off condom
1934+%
1935+@degg: attention everybody!!
1936+the guy who scored a touchdown is on my fantasy team.
1937+this is good for my fantasy team. started him in my work league
1938+%
1939+@SamuelMoen: Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
1940+%
1941+@dril: muscle economy, muscles as currency, end the dollar, get ripped, get rich pumping weights, weatlh = body size, predicted by Blaise Pascal
1942+%
1943+@wettbutt: Twitter ladies, please stop sending me marvin gaye's sexual healing. its already always on inside my ford pinto
1944+%
1945+@crushingbort: this guy on ESPN is holding up a sign with a football and shouting "one" and holding up his finger. I don't get it, what is he trying to say
1946+%
1947+@crushingbort: "Next stop," shouts the conductor, "420th St!" The train erupts in cheers of "heck yes" and "I get this" as we zoom off to our watery graves
1948+%
1949+@electrolemon: [begins descending a giant beanstalk hurriedly] THEY DEFINITELY ARE GIANTS
1950+%
1951+@wettbutt: Steve albini here. Notice album title, yea, songs about fucking, ive had that shit and it was good for sure. i know my way around the sheets
1952+%
1953+@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
1954+%
1955+@collatingbones: let me smoke you out. let me get you really high and make you watch different colored beverages slide off my stain resistant dockers
1956+%
1957+@rad_milk: [ok theyre almost done makin my 6 foot party sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub. dont say Im gonna fuck the sub] "im gonna fuck the sub"
1958+%
1959+@Mobute: Yeah, I'm lying on the couch eating roasted green beans from a cold baking pan on my chest. I am the living embodiment of your desire.
1960+%
1961+@DVSblast: Dog Whisperer is fucking ripoff. ANYONE can whisper "doooooogs", or ANY word they know.
1962+%
1963+@BronzeHammer: my personal e-mail? uh well. ok. it's bonerhound@gmail. thats "b" as in "big boner", "o" as in "oh shit what a boner", "n" as in nice boner,
1964+%
1965+@BAKKOOONN: the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
1966+%
1967+@TheNardvark: Carries guitar case into party *GROANS*
1968+
1969+Opens case—it’s full of Tostitos *CHEERS*
1970+
1971+They eat the chips and uncover a ukulele case *SCREAMS*
1972+%
1973+@911VICTIM: (in batman voice) Wares my ipod
1974+%
1975+@partiepig: "choose your weapon"
1976+"i choose pikachu"
1977+"literally you can choose a gun"
1978+"pikachu use growl"
1979+%
1980+@dril: The Bible Is Fake. oh. what's that? you're holding a physical copy of the bible, you say? hm, looks legit. The Bible Is Real, Then
1981+%
1982+@drewtoothpaste: Was just using my laptop as a flashlight to tell which Jelly Belly I got and remembered a billion people don't have access to clean water
1983+%
1984+@thatsnotkosher: "But Yogi, that's NSA director Keith Alexander's pic-a-nic basket, you can't steal that!" "I'm uh morally justified in doin' so, boo-boo"
1985+%
1986+@rachelmillman: Your Honor, I would appreciate if the defense would hop off my dick here
1987+%
1988+@Ennui_Raver: Hi Yes I was wondering which of these IPAs you sell would pair best with eating an entire Dominos pizza shirtless in a public park by myself
1989+%
1990+@sad_turd: MULDER: scully im beleive in alein
1991+SCULLY: no
1992+MULDER: alein exst
1993+SCULLY: no
1994+%
1995+@rrrunk: Can I still call it a TED "Talk" if all I did was silently perform one hundred pelvic thrusts, each more powerful that the one before?
1996+%
1997+@bransonbranson: Chris Angel has turned into a duck and he won't stop swimming around in my pool. I know it is you Chris. Here is some bread.
1998+%
1999+@lanyardigan: Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.
2000+%
2001+@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
2002+%
2003+@tnylgn: My dentist's dick is now the mayor of my shoulder on foursquare.
2004+%
2005+@doctorveritas: "It's-a me. Mario," he says to Peach. Her elderly eyes don't recognize him. Alzheimer's has done what Bowser couldn't.
2006+%
2007+@rigamarock: @ahuj9 here's my advice. be born rich. also, if you can manage it, white and male. it worked for me.
2008+%
2009+@electrolemon: BARELY LEGAL LESBIANS XXX (90min): watch as two thirty-year-old women exchange their wedding vows just inside the Vermont state border
2010+%
2011+@BAKKOOONN: bunch of red faced white dudes yelling in a room, on the whiteboard is "OB______" and underneath is UNGLER, ORTION, AMMUNIST, LACULA, ABY
2012+%
2013+@COMPUTER_KID: data...... i need more data. i`m hungry as hell for as much data as i can collect
2014+%
2015+@briangaar: If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox
2016+%
2017+@hamsandcastle: Never have I ever...Done 9/11 *ex presidents all glare at Bush as he drinks*
2018+%
2019+@cakemittens: If God isn't real why is "atheist" an anagram for "eat shit"? #checkmate
2020+%
2021+@wettbutt: constantly saying "let me give it the ol college try" while you are at college will get you laid so often you will develop pneumonia
2022+%
2023+@Z_A_Kline: @DuncanIdunno
2024+WAKE UP!
2025+(wake up)
2026+sheeplesheeplesheeplesheeplesheeple
2027+Bush flew the planes into the towers
2028+(he wanted to)
2029+%
2030+@NightValeRadio: I can't believe it's not butter. It's not even close. That's actually a black widow spider. I can't believe you marketed that as butter.
2031+%
2032+@fart: here is a joke i thought of while asleep. it is bad.
2033+q: where should u go if u aren't ready to be a mummy
2034+
2035+a: planned pyramid
2036+%
2037+@wettbutt: hi. welcome to Tim's Trousers, where it is always our "measure" to "pleat" you hahaha. i'm tim and i miss my wife
2038+%
2039+@briangaar: Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from "he's a dog" to a 70
2040+%
2041+@wettbutt: sorry that i only married you because TV Land paid me to marry a woman and say we were going to TV Land for our honeymoon
2042+%
2043+@neonwario: "Hmm... SOunds like Dunning-Kruger, mixed with a touch of Sunk Cost Fallacy,", I post on the forums, from my high chair
2044+%
2045+@experienceBij: experience unprecedented and previously unimaginable levels of bij
2046+%
2047+@experienceBij: Bij returns four-fold, infinite, expansive, vast, boundless, cosmic, godlike, universal bij.
2048+%
2049+@leyawn: instead of watching the thanksgiving day parade me and my entire extended family are gathered around a rock chanting "we dont even own a tv"
2050+%
2051+@neonwario: I'm smart....
2052+ ....But I also pronounce hors d'oeuvres as Horse Durves
2053+%
2054+@fart: dude have you been to hawaii? your multiple window decals make it look like you've been there. just checking because it looks like you've be
2055+%
2056+@_Hermit_Thrush_: You can tell it's me and the rowdy bows bowling because the frame says
2057+
2058+ASS
2059+POO
2060+BUT
2061+DIK
2062+%
2063+@ahuj9: Oh, it’s a turkey, but its’s stuffed with money! Haha very clever!! (god I hate Thanksgiving at Banksy’s)
2064+%
2065+@bridger_w: I'm just going to say it: You embarrassed me at the scrapbook and stamping expo
2066+%
2067+@LisaGoodwin1: Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron
2068+%
2069+@bransonbranson: when my friends ask me (slightly annoying task), first i'm like (animated gif) then i'm like (different animated gif)
2070+%
2071+@sskylark: Separated from my young daughter in a large crowd, never saw her again. My least chillax Warped Tour experience
2072+%
2073+@HealthySphinx: hey babe. how about we head back to my place. i got a two dollar bill we can look at
2074+%
2075+@collatingbones: please slash my throat so my sons can watch their father die with honor. only joking. just a trim today
2076+%
2077+@filth_waste: lmao look at this idiot who turned around when i yelled "hey idiot". what's up idiot how's ur wedding ceremony going u look beautiful.
2078+%
2079+@ConorTripler: *sprints through the airport to catch girl just before she boards a plane to paris*
2080+sarah! sarah, listen. im gay lol
2081+%
2082+@woodmuffin: No one texts like Gaston No one tweets like Gaston No one holds down control-alt-delete like Gaston
2083+%
2084+@sad_turd: whats good in the hood bro lol [hooded man beckons me closer, closer. "peer into the hood"] my god [poverty & social inequality in the hood]
2085+%
2086+@Perfect_Beanis: in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
2087+%
2088+@dril: A GATHERING OF MISCHIEVOUS IMPS FIRE UP THE NINTENDO 64 AND RUN MARIO UP THE ENDLESS STAIRCASE FOR 1 HR
2089+%
2090+@KarenKilgariff: FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
2091+%
2092+@rudetanks: Regret everything, dance like your ex is watching, love like you're forced to, eat like it tastes bad, pray like you know no ones listening
2093+%
2094+@KeetPotato: If you fuck up at work today, keep in mind in 1987, someone decided "Ken" was a good name for a Street Fighter character
2095+%
2096+@a_girl_irl: *shoots 400 grenades at a deer licking dew from the tall grasses* hunting is so pure and serene
2097+%
2098+@Tormny_Pickeals: mushroom kingdom is ruled by a HUMAN princess. her hat that looks like a toadstool isnt fooling anyone.no wonder some mushrooms turned rebel
2099+%
2100+@leyawn: dude you gotta check out this food companys twitter account. Yea, the food talks like a real person. its not like other food
2101+%
2102+@briangaar: Girl are you that one light switch in the bathroom with tape on it because I'm frightened yet intrigued by you
2103+%
2104+@Tormny_Pickeals: glad the athlete on my fave team said hed just take it one game at a time.was worried hed try to take it 3-4games at a time which is bad
2105+%
2106+@boring_as_heck: [19 pics that will restore yr faith in humanity] nice [17 pics that will destroy yr faith in humanity] nooo [clicks the first one again] yay
2107+%
2108+@Mobute: 。★*゚゚*★∵★*゚゚*★。
2109+☆゚ ゚☆゚ ゚☆
2110+★* ANHEDONIA *★
2111+ *★。 。★*
2112+ ∵☆。 。☆∵
2113+ ゚*★。。★* ゚
2114+ ゚*☆* ゚
2115+%
2116+@borbison: So sad. I just watched a 2 year old try to swipe a magazine like an iPad and then get run over by a bus.
2117+%
2118+@IamEnidColeslaw: all the animals in "Homeward Bound" are dead
2119+%
2120+@boring_as_heck: don't own the president... don't own the president... [goes to shake his hand but then whips my hand back and runs it through my hair] fuck
2121+%
2122+@leyawn: wanna put my tender heart in a blender, learned some big words so ill use em now oblivion, rendezvous, those are words i used
2123+%
2124+@briangaar: Got fired from the ice block factory just because I'm good at karate
2125+%
2126+@UNTRESOR: whenever i see someone leaving the liquor store in their pajamas, i always hand them a card with 'www.twitter.com' on it.
2127+%
2128+@collatingbones: 2003: check it out. my phone folds in half
2129+2008: my phone doesnt fold. this is whats good now.
2130+2018: watch this. my phone folds. i love it
2131+%
2132+@collatingbones: "Drone bad"... what's a drone... a robot. Bot is bad... Botta bad... A bot... Abbottabad! He's in Abbottabad! We move out at zero dark 30
2133+%
2134+@BevisSimpson: Kiedis was inspired to write the lyrics for Under the Bridge when he was driving and noticed a bridge [1].
2135+%
2136+@pattymo: "Uhh, Peter Griffin in a sombrero or whatever. Fuck you" - the pitch for Seth MacFarlane's 2014 breakout hit "Bordertown"
2137+%
2138+@myDUIproblem: ah. Sports Authority. my two least favorite things in one store
2139+%
2140+@rad_milk: "i fucked my bicycle and now i have the deadly AIDS virus" - people on obamacare
2141+%
2142+@CornOnTheGoblin: Welcome to Sarcastic Club
2143+Im sooo happy to see you all
2144+Anyone know the 1st rule?
2145+"Be less sarcastic?"
2146+Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
2147+%
2148+@laurenlaborde: Worst thing about planes: I couldn’t immediately text everyone to say a guy in front of me had “pussy on my mind” written in his notes app.
2149+%
2150+@dubstep4dads: hey pigpen how come you always smell bad?
2151+"hmm i dont know charlie brown how come you're 8 years old and already fucking bald"
2152+%
2153+@nice_mustard: wile e. coyote raises his black & smoldering head. still alive. he throws the ACME shotgun across the room and begins to weep
2154+%
2155+@leyawn: Guy Fawkes?? uhhh yea ok nice not made up name mine is Dude Ivehadsex
2156+%
2157+@jonbruh: *snaps out of 11 year trance* more like bad charlotte
2158+%
2159+@boring_as_heck: I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex.
2160+"That's not a category."
2161+Yes, that's right.
2162+"That's not a category."
2163+I chose that, yes.
2164+%
2165+@chuchugoogoo: "What you in for?" "I kissed some cops in Knoxville" "You're the Tennessee Cop Kisser?!" "I ain't proud of what I done" *leans in for kiss*
2166+%
2167+@Tormny_Pickeals: "how do u feel after hittin that game-winnin home-run?" IT'S A WELCOME DISTRACTION FROM THE CONTINUAL TERROR OF KNOWING DEATH IS INEVITABLE
2168+%
2169+@neonwario: The phrase "Cool as a cucumber" rose into prominence because cool is an ideal temperature for storing and serving cucumbers. (Greene, et al,
2170+%
2171+@rogerclark: UHm no. I could buy 300 McDoubles for the price of this thing. And in the time ive spent in this Jo-Ann Fabrics i couldve eaten 18 McDoubles
2172+%
2173+@rev_null: In ruby, you don't ask where the bathroom is, you just redefine it to be wherever you are and then shit all over everything.
2174+%
2175+@craigslistlove: By the time Im done jackhammering her butthole with my boner, Ill just leave and say Ill be right back,But instead Ill be enjoying an omelet
2176+%
2177+@robdelaney: "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
2178+%
2179+@meganamram: I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)!
2180+%
2181+@OhLookBirdies: "BUT SHE'S A FAKE GAMER GIRL!" I scream as they drag me away in a straitjacket. Behind me, the lizard man in the gamer girl suit grins.
2182+%
2183+@Roger_Burton: 911 what is your emergency? "how the fuck is mr krabs pearls dad" I don't know sir that's pretty fucked up
2184+%
2185+@Tormny_Pickeals: son, there are no monsters under ur bed. there is no monster except the monster within, the monster inside us all. have a good night ...son
2186+%
2187+@electrolemon: 1. Buy 80 Taken DVDs. 2. Stack them next to woman. 3. "Is this seat Taken?" 4. Call your bank. "Why would I buy 80 Taken DVDs," you'll say.
2188+%
2189+@rad_milk: Hi Welcome To The Jeans Store May I Help You [i pull off my mask and im jared, from subway] yes the biggest jeans available please
2190+%
2191+@wettbutt: HAAAEEvaaaaaan fluuoooowwooww..im the guy in pearl jam yeaah eaaah. Hoo hee doonoooohhhhhohhhh..im the guy pearl jam guy all Day ay yeah-ah
2192+%
2193+@KingRainhead: i came here to network with moguls
2194+%
2195+@dril: the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle
2196+%
2197+@wettbutt: wow..easily hacked this bus wi fi pass. its Wheelsonthebus123. as always. pathetic
2198+%
2199+@Jamie1947: "Another day, another dollar"
2200+-Men
2201+
2202+"Another day, another 77 cents"
2203+-Women
2204+%
2205+@maxlavergne: Mumford designed his sons to interlock into 1 larger, stronger mumford should he die before his work is complete
2206+%
2207+@newupdate: Let's pretend that booty is a small indigenous village and I'm 18th century western colonialism.
2208+%
2209+@collatingbones: It's gonna be some Starcraft 2, next level Metal Gear Solid shit, like for real (mr kerry your lapel mic is on) ...committed to human rights
2210+%
2211+@wettbutt: Daniel Eagle: For Hotel California we were staying in hotels a lot, cause of rock music touring. and we realized.. what if a hotel was Scary
2212+%
2213+@collatingbones: 4.21/5
2214+Classic American adjunct lager. Strong notes of doritos and champagne.
2215+%
2216+@ieatanddrink: Dating tip:
2217+Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you
2218+%
2219+@aeon_daimyo: damn girl are you david bowie because i'm having a hard time figuring out if i'm physically attracted to you
2220+%
2221+@Ulillillysses: Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas)
2222+%
2223+@DinkMagic: Get married? Sure as soon as theres a woman thats a) a truck b) Bacon c) its a Ford D) theres tits on the side of the truck E) sports or w/e
2224+%
2225+@dril: looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo
2226+%
2227+@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
2228+God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
2229+Me: oh
2230+God: *nods solemnly*
2231+%
2232+@Travis_Hood: you can't call them "sneakers" if they light up. your stealth capabilities are severely compromised. fucking idiot 8 year old
2233+%
2234+@lydiaclare: a gloryhole but for petting anonymous dog
2235+%
2236+@HelloCullen: On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there
2237+%
2238+@bobby: Next time you have a new person in your office, play nothing but Incubus & get everyone else to act like it's normal and they're into it.
2239+%
2240+@dril: @wikileaks "harpo" from harpo productIons is oprah spelled backwards. bam. welcome to the matrix
2241+%
2242+@boring_as_heck: world chess federation refuses to recognize my admittedly unorthodox "rub the king & queen together and pretend they're having sex" strategy
2243+%
2244+@jonnysun: *dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
2245+"ROAR"
2246+whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
2247+"GROWL"
2248+hmm
2249+"SHOUT"
2250+hmmm
2251+"YELL"
2252+hmmmmm
2253+"HOLLER"
2254+oh its a thesaurus
2255+%
2256+@kcgreenn: Watch the throne *a duck lands on the throne* I told you to watch it!! Now a duck is our king!!
2257+%
2258+@dril: if that lawyer didnt want his wall punched, he shouldnt have told me my uncle left me a sony walkman filled with cut up bugs in his will
2259+%
2260+@weedguy420boner: why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
2261+%
2262+@dril: setting up your own yahoo account is easy! you just click here, and he.. oh no. i just sent 60,000 pictures of my ass to my boss's daughter
2263+%
2264+@Secks_man: construction worker chased me down for singing ushers climax in my car. he said it was beautiful & i held him as he cried. i kissed him too
2265+%
2266+@dogboner: yea ok lemme just BING that, tv *does the jack off motion while pretending to go down stairs behind couch* *jacks off for real behind there*
2267+%
2268+@respected_loner: nice bass guitar, dork. it doesn't even look like a bass. it looks like a fuckin piano. oh it is a piano? way to prove my point
2269+%
2270+@dril: i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things
2271+%
2272+@logibear2: Just tackled my neighbour as he put out his garbage. Are you ready for some fucking football
2273+%
2274+@Tormny_Pickeals: #PerksOfDatingMe im descending into inevitable entropic decay slightly slower than many others cuz i do squats at club firtness
2275+%
2276+@dril: i will never apologize for being wild about apps and upgrades
2277+%
2278+@famouscrab: hi briney spears can u pls signed this book for my daughter? her name is um.. david? can i also please have a hug i will pass it onto her :3
2279+%
2280+@wettbutt: colleges are basically gardens for sculptures of lions and old guys and then they decided to add classes & talking as a formality
2281+%
2282+@collatingbones: If a girl breaks up with you and you respond by nonchalantly saying "well that's a spicy meatball" she will almost always reconsider
2283+%
2284+@neonwario: when I was a kid, I would write "DEBT" in the moisture of my dad's car window, to remind passersby of their huge debts. Like the commercials
2285+%
2286+@mccv: If you're waiting in a line for GTA5 how much have you really learned from GTA?
2287+%
2288+@dril: a cool prank is to convince someone to join the Armed Forces and watch them get spooked by guns & missiles in exchange for hollow gratitude
2289+%
2290+@rogerclark: old man next to me on the plane just caught me typing the words “old man next to me” into twitter
2291+%
2292+@lordbeef: "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - new york's most hated cab driver
2293+%
2294+@boring_as_heck: NBC's Sunday Night Football: Monday Night Football on Sunday Night Edition: Thursday Edition: On Sunday
2295+%
2296+@bug_deal: whoops, did I call it an iBad again? what a weird mistake to make seventeen times on the same Christmas
2297+%
2298+@neonwario: "... And that's one Imgur comment she'll never forget!" My toast at my daughter's wedding concludes. Everyone in attendance is visibly upset
2299+%
2300+@fart: yeah ok you lost your leg or whatever but now you'll get like 20% drunker
2301+%
2302+@DVSblast: the most coveted jewel of being WILD famous is you can name your album somethin real regular like "Nice Times" or "Water"
2303+%
2304+@neonwario: parents thought i was autistic because i forgot the word "them" when filling out a school workbook so i kept saying "all of the ones"
2305+%
2306+@johnfreiler: ok but what if the ghostbusters zapped the holy ghost, wouldn't god be mad? huh? no i don't have a confession it's a real question
2307+%
2308+@Tormny_Pickeals: if only there was, like, a historical precedent for why bombing mideast country is bad. but the thign is.. everytim we did it. it was good
2309+%
2310+@nice_mustard: SUP HUMAN FEMALE. I AM A DESIRABLE MATE. CORRECT NUMBER OF DICKS, SMOOTH NON-SCALY BUTTOCKS, ZERO VISIBLE TENTACLES, REPEAT ZERO VISIBLE TEN
2311+%
2312+@bub__bub: I don't see race. I don't see gender. Hell I can barely see anything I'm wearing 6 pairs of shades and its night time
2313+%
2314+@dril: two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks
2315+"I just attained oneness with all living beings"
2316+"I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam"
2317+%
2318+@Eatingmeals: One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all "Holy shit these people have families"
2319+%
2320+@asimplesean: Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
2321+%
2322+@8bitf0x: haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?
2323+
2324+"a chair haha duh, nice try mo—
2325+
2326+it's your dog. spot's dead billy
2327+%
2328+@nice_mustard: don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday
2329+%
2330+@skullmandible: is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
2331+%
2332+@famouscrab: theres no crying in baseball but this bird sitting on the fence is so pretty i think we will make and exception
2333+%
2334+@DVSblast: Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper?
2335+%
2336+@dril: I'm Sgt. General James Bond. My mission is to collect guns and gather intel on the unimaginably fucked up drugs known as Cocaine & Marijuana
2337+%
2338+@neonwario: "hey buddy, we didn't pay to see 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Short'" <-- sick own i used in the theatre in 2011
2339+%
2340+@animal_drums_: If you do a robbery and the money is fluttering in your wake as you speed off, slow down. You're not that rich, you just resorted to robbery
2341+%
2342+@neonwario: pilgrim lookin puritan ass plymouth rock motherfucker
2343+%
2344+@animal_drums_: First they came for the Jews and some guy was like "Oh so you only come for Jews? why not the Christians?" Then they came for the christians
2345+%
2346+@animal_drums_: Next on TLC, you'll never believe what happens when we get the world's most peaceful monk to take a huge bite of the world's hottest pepper.
2347+%
2348+@Ennui_Raver: the taller the beer, the harder they... uhh.. the beer is very tall
2349+%
2350+@murrman5: Résumé? It's just a list of bands you like.
2351+"So no job?"
2352+No...and by the way it's Phil, not Fill Collins
2353+"Thanks. I will update my resume."
2354+%
2355+@wheatretard: My father Harold Netflix started this company because he had a dream that no unemployed man would have to wake before 3 to see latex aliens
2356+%
2357+@freecialis: I've stunned yet another 3rd grade class with my lecture "Coca-Cola Used to Have Cocaine In It." just a day in the life of The Cool Teacher
2358+%
2359+@danklein_is_fat: You know when you say something funny but your friend doesn't laugh? You might feel better if you shoot them with a gun and they die.
2360+%
2361+@mallelis: never forget roald dahl's idea of a happy ending was a kid turning into a mouse & being super stoked to realize he'll die with his grandma
2362+%
2363+@hermaph: *whisper to guy at urinal* That stream should be on justin.tv lol *whisper to guy at next urinal* Wow that stream should be on justin.tv
2364+%
2365+@BevisSimpson: Are those cum stains on my cargo shorts or just misleading shadows??? Good luck figuring it out as I speedwalk past you at incredible pace
2366+%
2367+@COMPUTER_KID: Some men just want to watch the world burn *opens a beer*
2368+%
2369+@animal_drums_: A late entry to the hot dog eating contest, It's Mike with a dump truck full of hot dog wrappers, and we have to assume he ate all the dogs.
2370+%
2371+@ElleOhHell: Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?
2372+%
2373+@ahuj9: These are my three kids: my oldest son Bush, my daughter Did, and my youngest daughter Cassandra. She was from my wife’s last marriage.
2374+%
2375+@11protons: The sweats say I've given up. The Nike logo says "but not entirely."
2376+%
2377+@promissory_boat: i'd like to introduce my sons, kevin and second kevin
2378+
2379+*a child and an incredibly pissed off child step out from behind me*
2380+%
2381+@shatbit: "Is this the burn ward?"
2382+"Yes can I help you?"
2383+"You need to admit my mom, I told her that her casserole was ass-erole."
2384+"Stop calling here."
2385+%
2386+@ProfBoomHatch: Pokémon Red (Gameboy Colour, 1998):
2387+A fatherless ten year old leaves home and finds out the only way to gain respect is to fight strangers
2388+%
2389+@Ennui_Raver: @MuscularSon 10-4 sad dad Im lying shirtless on the roof of my trailer snapchatting myself balancing a pizza box on my sizeable gut over
2390+%
2391+@mikesacco: rose stems are green
2392+kind of like hemp
2393+we all know steel beams
2394+wouldn't melt at that temp
2395+%
2396+@conner_omalley: "I'm super into guys who get pissed off at xbox video games and smash the controllers on the ground, it's really hot." All women
2397+%
2398+@neonwario: my resume says both "attention to detail" and "junion financial analyst"
2399+%
2400+@ideaot: British Man and Normal Person Conversation
2401+
2402+British Man: Oi! M8 m8 m8 sherlock m8!
2403+Normal Person: Good, how are you?
2404+%
2405+@dogboner: the guy who built the berlin wall must have been like "oh cool. great." when they were tearing it down
2406+%
2407+@doeg: My handwritten wine tasting notes:
2408+1: sweet, grapey, citrusy and bright
2409+2: tart and sour, grapefruit
2410+...
2411+8: idk kinda sweaty
2412+9: P GOOD
2413+%
2414+@respected_loner: one trick is before doing something say "no whammy no whammy" to decrease the chance of there being a whammy
2415+%
2416+@Lovemywife3: I want to change my username
2417+%
2418+@wash_cloth: TREBEK: for $800--"You are. You are--that's who!"
2419+[all three contestants begin to wriggle excitedly and pant and wag their tails]
2420+%
2421+@UNTRESOR: Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
2422+%
2423+@drewtoothpaste: "I love this pen, but why did I receive it immediately? And why was it $1.00 instead of $99?" Across the room, Dan Kickstarter had an idea.
2424+%
2425+@ch000ch: Greetings, this is your captain speaking. Can anyone here tell me how many thousand feet are in 10 meters & help me turn off all the beeping
2426+%
2427+@bitcoin_txt: I informed the manager and we both come to the realization that someone has put their own QR code over top his with double sided tape. FUCK.
2428+%
2429+@ideaot: Girl, did it hurt when you were launched from Hell at extreme speed?
2430+%
2431+@dvoted_hubsand: Hi I'm Dale, I'll be your segway "instructor." Actually segways cant be instructed. They are wild beasts driven by hate. That was lesson one
2432+%
2433+@rad_milk: RIP to philip seymour hoffman. he was so good in twister. the game twister. he was very flexible before the rigor mortis set in
2434+%
2435+@fart: “more crawdads for the raw dad” -what im already planning to say at a seafood cookout in the year 2029
2436+%
2437+@funWindow: i came to this town with nothing but the clothes on my back. and a few suitcases full of other clothes. and this one is just shoes actually
2438+%
2439+@bjnovak: I come up with some of my best ideas in the shower. "Buy more soap," "need shampoo," stuff like that
2440+%
2441+@chuchugoogoo: finish a sentence? I can't...I can't even...I just...this, just this
2442+%
2443+@dril: genderman's only weakness is being told that his name contains a masculine bias
2444+%
2445+@animal_drums_: 1st letter from the Corinthians to St. Paul: "Fuck off paul. We do what we like. How would you like it if we sent you a letter, dick"
2446+%
2447+@degg: im bad news babe a true rebel biker. ive killed people... *sneezes and one of my teeth breaks off* shit oh my god hahaha
2448+%
2449+@animal_drums_: [driving behind salt truck, yelling out window] Why are you putting salt on the road dummy? Are you going to try to eat the road? Good luck
2450+%
2451+@elzw: Liking 'Pampers Latino' on Facebook is the best thing that's ever happened to me
2452+%
2453+@boring_as_heck: "Friendship, friendship, respect, everyone have a good clean game, friendship, Bibles, hike!" - Russell Wilson at the line of scrimmage
2454+%
2455+@Laser_Cat: Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.
2456+%
2457+@fart: my life is basically “Stan” but instead of writing to eminem i’m calling mcdonalds every day to ask if the mcrib is back
2458+%
2459+@DinkMagic: marty where we're going, we don't NEED friends *i say bye to my wife on my "husband night out" and then play nintendo in the car for 3 hours
2460+%
2461+@ieatanddrink: In high school I was known for being the guy who could urinate with parts of his body besides his penis
2462+%
2463+@CoreyNotKori: Picture a butterfly fluttering toward a flower, turning around suddenly, and then muttering obscenities because she left her phone at home.
2464+%
2465+@collatingbones: hi grampa how is things at the nursing home
2466+
2467+i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade
2468+
2469+its gay
2470+%
2471+@tnylgn: If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal.
2472+%
2473+@bransonbranson: in lieu of a musical performance at the golden globes everyone is going to watch the mythbusters fellas throw small axes into ballistics gel
2474+%
2475+@HankQuotes: You know, if the class of '02 really 'ruled' they wouldn't have to paint it on a rock.
2476+%
2477+@animal_drums_: Welcome to the Parent Teacher conference. The good news is your kid is chilling out and just generally kickin it at almost a 5th grade level
2478+%
2479+@animal_drums_: Not gonna bother keeping up with milk anymore. Every time I go to the store theres a new date on the jug and its the same damn milk. Im done
2480+%
2481+@animal_drums_: CEO of Dominos defending his product: Actually asshole, almost 7 out of 10 people prefer our pizza to eating a frisbee full of kraft singles
2482+%
2483+@degg: all pickup artist techniques are mediocre ripoffs of the time jeff goldblum put a drop of water on the lady scientists arm in jurassic park
2484+%
2485+@HJBenjamin: All my past failures have helped shaped who I am today- a really big failure
2486+%
2487+@collatingbones: Gold Coast Shrimp Stout
2488+6.3% ABV
2489+
2490+Little shrimps hatch and crawl up over your glass and you have to catch them. Good beer.
2491+%
2492+@leyawn: oh shit this guy is wearing a tshirt over his long sleeve shirt. normally a tshirt goes on first. This rebel must know something i dont know
2493+%
2494+@boring_as_heck: Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.
2495+%
2496+@wettbutt: if youre on a 1st date a cool alpha thing to say is "Yea i dunno food really all just tastes the same to me. theres no such thing as flavor"
2497+%
2498+@collatingbones: BOURDAIN: yea, yea, the genocide must have been rough, man. shit... so what is this, spicy beef tacos?
2499+%
2500+@TweTro: One day my irony filter is going to fail and i'm going to comment "What a piece of shit" on a picture of somebody's baby
2501+%
2502+@pushinghoops: "I'm 1/16 Cherokee" - White proverb
2503+%
2504+@a_girl_irl: there's a marketing dude somewhere who had to approve the exact fuckability of the girl M&M
2505+%
2506+@collatingbones: *Raises Glass* to social media in 2014
2507+%
2508+@TriciaLockwood: "Are you ready to find out what kind of fucked-up dog or cat I am," the girl Animaniac whispers to me as I lift her dress over her head
2509+%
2510+@SaddestTiger: if america didn't adopt the dutch word "cookie" in the early 18th century, the cookie monster might've been called the biscuit bastard today
2511+%
2512+@collatingbones: So whats everybody's new Years Resolution? Wrong. We're going to stop letting the customers use so many salt packets. Now get back to work
2513+%
2514+@boring_as_heck: Imagine if Kevin McCallister was like 5 years older in Home Alone. It would just be him jerking off for the entire movie.
2515+%
2516+@dril: back before the web, Content had to be delivered house to house by the content man. he worked 14 hrs a day & people tried to shoot him a lot
2517+%
2518+@cat_beltane: a GPS that sighs and says "NO IT'S FINE" every time you miss a turn and it has to recalculate
2519+%
2520+@gab1g5: when I die place a pepperoni over each eye so satan knows a true pizza connoisseur has arrived
2521+%
2522+@collatingbones: Dude I'm sorry about your dad... I... I know those feels man. It's very... fail. y he no continue living.
2523+%
2524+@johnasavoia: periods of gucci mania, followed by gucci depression
2525+%
2526+@piss_wizard: its 4am. im starving. i cannot sleep. i stare out of the window into the night, into the stars, into infinity. how do snails fuck
2527+%
2528+@MrPhetz: And good Jovi to you, sir
2529+%
2530+@m0mmalex: book review: to kill a mockingbird wasnt about mockingbirds and i still don't know how to kill them not a good guide do not recommend
2531+%
2532+@disincentivize: Potatoes are tasty. THey make a bread out of potatoes. They should make a spaghetti out of potato. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk
2533+%
2534+@911VICTIM: when did mirrors stop displaying a beautiful child with hope for the future and start displaying a fat balding dude with a blank gaze
2535+%
2536+@michael_raphone: [Pitching coach calls the bullpen] I don't care what the people want, send in the belly-itcher
2537+%
2538+@michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
2539+%
2540+@dudehugs: do cocaine and you become robin williams. do mushrooms and everyone else becomes robin williams
2541+%
2542+@katienotopoulos: I came here to chew gum and raise brand awareness, and it looks like I'm all out of Trident™ Layers Wild Strawberry & Lime.
2543+%
2544+@katienotopoulos: Boston police interrogation: [good cop] here's some chowder. [bad cop] *throws chowder on face* you don't deserve chowder you maggot
2545+%
2546+@hipsterboner: I'll never forget the day I took my newborn daughter in my arms, looked her in the eyes and whispered softly "Have you seen The Wire"
2547+%
2548+@jdcrowley: If you think it's funny to reveal to kids that Santa isn't real, instead try telling them he did 9/11. It's WAY funnier.
2549+%
2550+@d2fn: if this gets 1000 RTs i will literally eat a panther
2551+%
2552+@meganamram: Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
2553+%
2554+@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
2555+%
2556+@fart: Bacon. Dubstep. Father of two. Freethinker. Bitcoin. Doctor Who. Zombie apocalypse survivor. Shampoo is a scam. I’m in the empire business.
2557+%
2558+@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
2559+%
2560+@tastefactory: Please, call me Maury. Mr. Povich was my father. Or was he? We'll find out after the break.
2561+%
2562+@craigrachel: Business idea: we will have 3 "Download" buttons but only 1 will be correct. The other 2 will be tricks or something
2563+%
2564+@wettbutt: US Poker Champ Comes Clean: "I Only Became Good At This So I Could Wear Sunglasses Inside"
2565+%
2566+@wettbutt: welcome back to physics. im your profs twin brother. he quit school after u all made fun of his tattoos. todays lesson is on quantum Manners
2567+%
2568+@PureDad: I remain entirely silent on the roller coaster only screaming when the ride stops and I have to return to my shitty life.
2569+%
2570+@jejerepy: what kind of idiots buy coins they cant even eat
2571+%
2572+@boring_as_heck: Every cloud has its silver lining. If 9/11 happened a day earlier, we'd have to change our "out of ten" rating system.
2573+%
2574+@ch000ch: *wearing a GoPro on my head* no i'm fine. just thought this date would be more extreme
2575+%
2576+@rad_milk: *judge bangs gavel* sir youre found not guilty under the precedents of I Can Has Legal Immunity (2008) & Y U No Dismiss My Allegation (2010)
2577+%
2578+@TriciaLockwood: "Stop giving away your content for free," my mom sobs on the phone. "No one will ever marry you if you give away your content for free"
2579+%
2580+@BromanConsul: I awake to find a note under my pillow:
2581+
2582+[Bush did 9/11]
2583+
2584+"Looks like someone got a visit from the truthfairy" a voice whispers
2585+"DAD I'M 23"
2586+%
2587+@dril: woah. just realized the "Hungryman" logo on this can of sloppy joe is referring to me, the guy buying and eating thhe food. Insane mindfuck
2588+%
2589+@neonwario: SCENE: Anti-irony reprogramming center. A voice says over the PA: "Hitler Is Bad". Some shout "Hitler Is Good". I know better. I keep quiet
2590+%
2591+@degg: *bench presses 1000 lbs* ah shoot that workout made me hungry *eats a one milllion dollar bill*
2592+%
2593+@mattytalks: What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins
2594+%
2595+@bransonbranson: for the talent portion of this years Husky Boy Pageant i will, again, heat up a can of chili simply by laying on it for a few minutes
2596+%
2597+@corysnearowski: Pretty sure you should bet on the Giants this week, pal *winks, looks around* I slept with the football
2598+%
2599+@dril: daily reminder that i wear a suit and tie daily eeven though I have not set foot in public for over 16 years #GoodBoy #Hansdome
2600+%
2601+@neonwario: when they flip a coin in the movies how do they make it so that the coin lands on the right side [self.movies]
2602+%
2603+@swarthyvillain: on page 4 of my resume you'll see all the random suburban teens i subjected to period in front of the @ replies. they stopped being racist
2604+%
2605+@tastefactory: [on phone] Haha no I'm not sitting around alone on a Saturday night dude. I'm hanging with my bros...uh...Jeff Boyardee and...um...Ned Flix.
2606+%
2607+@Thynebear: [Jesus at the bar]
2608+"Oh, I'll just have a water"
2609+*winks at camera*
2610+%
2611+@Thynebear: *calls into work*
2612+
2613+"yo boss i'm real sick"
2614+
2615+"you don't sound sick..."
2616+
2617+"ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys"
2618+
2619+"wow u do sound hella sick"
2620+%
2621+@blippoblappo: REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?
2622+
2623+OBAMA: What kind of question is --
2624+
2625+[biden grabs podium]
2626+
2627+BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
2628+%
2629+@ibogost: What Educators Can Learn From Some Dumbass Thing I Just Made Up
2630+%
2631+@neonwario: 1950: Woman, make me a sandwich!
2632+2010: Woman, cloudsource me data analytics solutions!
2633+2040: 62656572206d65
2634+%
2635+@NightValeRadio: Would the owner of a blue Ford Focus please think about the human heart for a bit? Really mull over the precariousness of physical life.
2636+%
2637+@neonwario: 2000s: Everything causes cancer!
2638+2010s: Everything causes autism!
2639+2020s: Everything alerts the Spiders
2640+2030s: Everything causes space autism
2641+%
2642+@boring_as_heck: [runs in a zig-zag pattern to confuse the komodo dragon chasing me] fucking idiot haha
2643+%
2644+@iscoff: "Minesweeper!" — a boring person's favourite game or an angry German custodian yelling at teens who stole his broom
2645+%
2646+@boring_as_heck: Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma
2647+%
2648+@animal_drums_: Man it's so nice outside. It's nicer than a witch's tit. It's more appealing out there than if a witch cast a sexiness spell on her own boob
2649+%
2650+@swarthyvillain: where do i see myself in 5 years? using a slightly better iphone to fool people into thinking calvin coolidge was a diaper fetishist
2651+%
2652+@collatingbones: Waiter: Would you prefer a dry wine sir?
2653+
2654+Me (wealthy): wine is wet. you're being disingenuous. [Knocks silverware off table] pick that up.
2655+%
2656+@KeetPotato: How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
2657+%
2658+@911VICTIM: all the ppl who update facebook about local escaped pedophiles are just rival pedophiles doing it to take the heat off them
2659+%
2660+@DanaJGould: Traditional marriage is the union between a man and a woman arranged by their parents while they are still children in exchange for land.
2661+%
2662+@dril: i have moved all of my bitcoins directly into my brain for safekeeping until all this nutso crap blows over
2663+%
2664+@websigh: yeah i'd say poptarts are pretty good but i mostly like indietarts. i mean, i pretty much like all tarts except for rap and country
2665+%
2666+@animal_drums_: I invented a lot of shit but all anyone talks about is the wheel. I also thought of doing stuff really poorly out of spite when youre mad
2667+%
2668+@dril: "the ancient americans had over 20 words for sandwich but only 1 word for betamax. fucked up but real" says a future man to his crystal son
2669+%
2670+@swarthyvillain: cant believe taylor swift is dating FUCKMAN_DE_MADRID after he posted "i love the feet, come to spane" on her instagram
2671+%
2672+@i_eat_fruit: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness?
2673+me: im vague
2674+interviewer: can u elaborate?
2675+me: yeah
2676+%
2677+@TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?"
2678+I have to check with the Mrs!
2679+[unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply]
2680+No sorry I have plans
2681+%
2682+@dril: ME: ill take.. one Cruisp bird w/ extra bird sauce please
2683+KFC CLERK: Huh?
2684+ME: (gives him the Wink of Irony)
2685+KFC CLERK: Ah! The Wink of Irony
2686+%
2687+@Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3
2688+%
2689+@alliewach: technically it's not even hypnotiq unless it comes from the hypnotiqúe region of France
2690+%
2691+@HelloCullen: Say yes to depressed
2692+%
2693+@DanMentos: "Grandpa what was it like before emojis?"
2694+Well, we used words called adjectives
2695+"That doesn't seem very 💯"
2696+No, it was not very 💯 at all
2697+%
2698+@dril: folks the only thing higher than Cheetch & Chong—is gas prices
2699+(audience goes wild, hooting,screaming; starting Great Gas Price Riot of '15)
2700+%
2701+@70Ceeks: You know "sea foam" is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
2702+%
2703+@Tormny_Pickeals: hey Dickens, were the times good or were they bad, you flip-flopping piece of garbage good-or-bad-times waffling ass motherfucker
2704+%
2705+@aprilmaywilson: Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.
2706+%
2707+@degg: i need a huge new wallet for my hundred dollars my petperks cards and my vibrator
2708+%
2709+@EthanGSN: @PFTCommenter I'm trying to coach my dads senior pop warner league team from the court ordered 1000 yards away
2710+%
2711+@MrBrendan23: @PFTCommenter I'm mixing in some shots with my beers too promote muscle confusion.
2712+%
2713+@PFTCommenter: How are YOU getting ready for NFL thursday? Im camped outside tilted kilt with an huge erecton and a terrible towel
2714+%
2715+@trumpetcake: I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
2716+%
2717+@SirEviscerate: Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
2718+*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
2719+%
2720+@TriciaLockwood: Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
2721+%
2722+@danielralston: Meet hot married men who will explain things to you on Actually Madison.
2723+%
2724+@dril: soirry. i didnt know retweeting "fuck lobsterfest" would make me lose 200 followers. ive learned my lesson so feel free to follow me again
2725+%
2726+@dril: (pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes
2727+%
2728+@ldobsonhughes: Amazing - overheard at Whole Foods. "Um, I need to read the numbers on the barcode aloud to you. I don't want any lasers touching my food."
2729+%
2730+@Bro_Pair: PLANNED PARENTHOOD SECRET VIDEO
2731+
2732+"You kill infants right"
2733+
2734+Nurse's mouth opens, video freezes
2735+
2736+*Arnold Soundboard voice* Yeah, that's right
2737+%
2738+@robwhisman: unreal. actor posing as scared teen making toughest decision of her life gets planned parenthood clinician to fall for updog gag (video)
2739+%
2740+@robwhisman: you go through life thinking numbers don't get much bigger than a million. then you see two million and its like, are you fuckin kidding me
2741+%
2742+@DinkMagic: Hah no Sorry babe they call me skidmark because I was driving a car and turned and the tires screeched and I shit my pants from being scared
2743+%
2744+@DanMentos: date: So what do you do?
2745+me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
2746+date: Oh wow
2747+fox: and a ventriloquist
2748+%
2749+@bobby: there is such a thing as too nice toilet paper. some of the top tier varieties are mondo thick. like wipin your ass with a damn persian rug
2750+%
2751+@freecialis: Thanks for calling me, an economist, to the stand in this murder trial. Everything everyone did was good because it increased their utility.
2752+%
2753+@DVSblast: ARE YOU A COMPANY AND YOU SUCK REAL BAD? GIMME MONEY AND I WILL FIX IT BY SAYING HIP YOUTHFUL SHIT LIKE "AYO SUCK MY DICK, ITS ME ARBY'S"
2754+%
2755+@neonwario: bakers use 13 as their dozen because historically they are a stupid group of dipshits
2756+%
2757+@animaldrumss: wow nice recital, it took you one year to learn to play that song on violin? i can go to youtube in one second and find a song by mozart.
2758+%
2759+@swarthyvillain: @Lowenaffchen
2760+USER: Swarthyvillain
2761+BLOCK BOT LEVEL 3:
2762+REASON: harasses activists who call it "Trader Joe's" instead of "Trader's Joe"
2763+%
2764+@ebrawley: This "adult pre-school" thing in Brooklyn makes me wish Dennis Miller was still alive. Man. I bet he'd have some real slams on that thing
2765+%
2766+@brendlewhat: Your resume states "Despite every precious second of life being a wondrous mystery, I'll spend it in an office, caring about Work." Hired.
2767+%
2768+@yunginstitution: bury me in my finest tech wearables
2769+%
2770+@degg: "hey baby nice tits!!"
2771+christ on a bike i wish this harassment wouuld stop. im a man. and my huge cans are lamentable
2772+%
2773+@rad_milk: COP: ready the suspect for cross examination
2774+ME: let me tell you bout a guy who was "Cross examined" he died 2000 years ago for our sins
2775+%
2776+@6thgrade4ever: 2044. washington dc. my hand atop the bible.
2777+CHIEF JUSTICE: ...defend the Constitution of the United States
2778+ME: fuck her right in the pussy
2779+%
2780+@jonnysun: LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
2781+
2782+ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
2783+%
2784+@davedittell: I can't afford a subscription to Dog Fancy so I get Basic Bitch instead
2785+%
2786+@BMcCarthy32: the first day at a new job is always scary but thankfully I had a shower with my co-workers to look forward to and that took the edge off
2787+%
2788+@neonwario: The wifi password is "NoCapitals_1SpelledOut"
2789+%
2790+@Lowenaffchen: I live by the three S's... Sarcasm, Sriracha and Shirt that says no i will not fix your computer
2791+%
2792+@edyong209: Roses are red
2793+Violets are blue
2794+Vaccinate your kids
2795+%
2796+@pr0spector88: Letterman:Our next guest is.. a huge piece of shit
2797+[i walk out on stage & am greeted by thundering applause][letterman spits coffee out lol]
2798+%
2799+@leyawn: im still permanently banned from from three different bird watching forums for photoshopping cups of dr pepper into pictures of birds
2800+%
2801+@HelloCullen: one time ppl were doing yoga in the park and my dog ran up and got into the same pose as them and took a shit. i gave her a whole hamburger.
2802+%
2803+@NightValeRadio: He died doing what he loved…letting his guard down around birds.
2804+%
2805+@Lowenaffchen: ME (entering hell): I hope they serve beer here
2806+SATAN: did you come up with that quip yourself
2807+ME: yes
2808+SATAN: its really good
2809+%
2810+@dril: like this if youre one of the 3% of teens who remembers when music was just guys saying "my name is kid rock" over and over
2811+%
2812+@leyawn: i used to ride my bike and play outside with other kids. then my parents got me vaccinated. Now i post online eighteen to twenty hours a day
2813+%
2814+@Fauxgyptian: POLITICAL PARTY 1: WE OFFER NOTHING BEYOND THE CONTINUANCE OF OUR DECAY AS A NATION
2815+POLITICAL PARTY 2: MAYBE MEDICINE IS ACTUALLY A DISEASE
2816+%
2817+@BevisSimpson: i dont follow hot early 20's white girls on here because im a horny creep. i follow them because i love tweets about how Kanye is good
2818+%
2819+@DALIAMALEK: So glad 50 shades of grey popularised 'sex' & made it accessible to the average consumer
2820+%
2821+@crushingbort: *effortlessly rips off bondage blindfold* did you really think this was powerful enough to stop me
2822+%
2823+@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
2824+%
2825+@weedguy420boner: Me at 16: while messy, public discourse is the only way to improve civil society
2826+At 30: I wonder if I can get this nerd to say what's updog
2827+%
2828+@BevisSimpson: [rolls a die made of human bone that has all the different Subway sub options on each face][it comes up Tuna] so it shall be..
2829+%
2830+@jonahkeri: A dejected Mike McCarthy heads to Vegas, sidles up to blackjack table, spends entire night sticking on 12 against face cards.
2831+%
2832+@weedguy420boner: Want to feel old? The kid in the "Charlie bit my finger" video was just sent to a penal colony on Europa for trying to clone humans
2833+%
2834+@dril: @NancyGraceHLN my 2 year old son is drawing swastikas everywhere after seeing a toddler smoke weed on your show. thanks #Irresponsible
2835+%
2836+@mattmacneil: me: so you're saying i have to go back to school, starting with grade 1, all over again?
2837+
2838+judge: no sir you are going to prison for life
2839+%
2840+@Mobute: Jason Garrett looks like the RAF major in a WWII movie who says "I know these German chaps can be reasoned with" before being shot to death.
2841+%
2842+@markleggett: If I lived in Gotham City, I’d steal the two roses Bruce Wayne lays down in Crime Alley every year and give them to women with big tits.
2843+%
2844+@neonwario: Folks if you ask me, the drink "Sex on the beach" has a name designed to be provocative. I'll just have an oatmeal with raw slivered almonds
2845+%
2846+@robwhisman: 26. new to tinder. recently single, though unsullied. albion sword in the pic is mine, the kimono is not
2847+%
2848+@dril: awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
2849+%
2850+@Lowenaffchen: RIP Santa. his sleigh crossed paths with a great horned owl and its beak hit his jugular vein at 120mph
2851+%
2852+@ariscott: Midnight mass? More like midnight ass. Because of all the food. The Christmas food. That makes my ass big. I am all alone tonight.
2853+%
2854+@dril: tomorrow im going to fill up on bread befoore 10am and get waterboarded by my seven identical uncles
2855+%
2856+@dril: #WorstDateIn5words a bunvch of blades arranged to spell out" 9/11". the worst date, in swords
2857+%
2858+@thenatewolf: *Orders pizza*
2859+
2860+What a night
2861+
2862+*Phone buzzes*
2863+
2864+And a text? Killing it
2865+
2866+*checks phone*
2867+
2868+ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
2869+%
2870+@dril: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like "oh tortures bad","its ineffective" fuck off
2871+%
2872+@dogboner: @ChuckCJohnson your hair looks like somebody put it there as a prank
2873+%
2874+@wettbutt: bowling would be a better game if you had to crawl down the lane and pick up the pins yourself and learn about futility and consequence
2875+%
2876+@dril: "Give me an App that will make me say, 'Wow'" "Apps will help us in our lives" "An App is always just a download away" some good app quotes
2877+%
2878+@boring_as_heck: Wait a second, this isn't a vase at all. It's just two guys pushing their faces together. I paid $7000 for this, what the hell.
2879+%
2880+@boring_as_heck: MICHELE: Well Al, Jim Harbaugh says they're going to keep playing like shit in the 2nd half, instead of playing better.
2881+AL: Thanks Michele.
2882+%
2883+@g0m: [turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later
2884+%
2885+@robwhisman: looking to join a new group of friends. would like to be the guy who says "well that went well" when something doesn't actually go well
2886+%
2887+@wettbutt: juicy j: "Inhale, exhale, go to jail, im postin bail"
2888+rap genius editor: here he describes a cyberpunk city where its illegal to breathe air
2889+%
2890+@michaeljhudson: The only kid I knew who became a cop tried to convince me at age 12, that Lola from Space Jam was his real girlfriend.
2891+%
2892+@rad_milk: ok mr. Jos. A Bank if Family Size isnt "a real shirt size" then maybe you can tell me why you arent "a real bank"
2893+%
2894+@swarthyvillain: when my wife and i are about to hang up, we do this cute thing where we keep saying "i am literally adolf hitler" and "no I'M hitler"
2895+%
2896+@fart: there was a secret darpa project to attempt to build the most insufferable twitter bot and the experiment was a success: @LegoIsPlural
2897+%
2898+@DinkMagic: if i was mario & i had to stomp some animals to death with my feet to get my girlfriend back i dont know if i could do it
2899+%
2900+@swarthyvillain: Time Person of the Year is important to me. dominos makes pizza "too italian" for my taste and i'm afraid to shake my dick after i piss
2901+%
2902+@snakebro: Feels like a getting drunk alone in a parking lot kind of night
2903+%
2904+@_woodpile: me: hey bro nice Dead shirt.
2905+bro: yo, you ever hear the show from nineteen eighty se-
2906+me: you gonna buy some fuckin keef or what?
2907+Sold.
2908+%
2909+@degg: i texted a photo of my ass to my softball rival to curse him now he's wiffing on everything. buddy im getting a cold from that breeze lol
2910+%
2911+@wettbutt: my favorite rap thing is when a song starts with people getting pissed off that the song is on. Ahh shit.. Damn. It's the rap song. Fuck it
2912+%
2913+@jonnysun: look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
2914+%
2915+@bridger_w: People get so caught up thinking how deadly falling off a cliff is that they forget it's also extremely embarrassing
2916+%
2917+@bridger_w: Just thought of something really nice to say about my friend. I hope he dies before me so I can say it at his funeral
2918+%
2919+@vvvolte: if you think there's a better way to cut your hair than to blast it off with a shotgun than i don't want to hear it. and i can't
2920+%
2921+@crushingbort: It would be cool if instead of uncomfortable beds there were holes in the earth that you could just sleep-plummet in for eight hours
2922+%
2923+@jitka: My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in
2924+%
2925+@joshxhowie: Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
2926+%
2927+@dril: the blue thumnbtacks on this map indicate concentrations of high 月(luna) energy, the red ones are all the panera breads ive been banned from
2928+%
2929+@animaldrumss: [I get up at the end of my comedy central roast with a notebook i've been writing in the whole time and calmly refute every single insult]
2930+%
2931+@animaldrumss: Neil: One small step for man...
2932+Houston: more like one small dick for Neil Armstrong
2933+Neil: fuck you!
2934+Houston: run away to the moon about it
2935+%
2936+@meganamram: The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing
2937+%
2938+@dril: to counter-act the terrible "ISIS", im starting my own group called "NICEis". what we do is give retweets & faves to the hopelessly decrepit
2939+%
2940+@dril: congress: it would be an honor to let you join Congress
2941+me: absolutely no. it'd be a disservice to my followers to join the bastard congress
2942+%
2943+@DinkMagic: It's bad to tweet like god damn idiot for a restaurants money. You're supposed to do it for free because you have mental depression
2944+%
2945+@brendohare: This interview is over [struggles to get out of beanbag chair]
2946+%
2947+@EliTerry: I like when there is a full length mirror in front of a toilet because it's like, oh yeah, my human body is disgusting. Nice reminder.
2948+%
2949+@DanMentos: “Grandpa what was it like in the old days?"
2950+Well kid, phones only had one app: Phone
2951+*kid is just bawling uncontrollably*
2952+%
2953+@bug_deal: anyone else on here an absurdly elaborate assemblage of trillions of cells with no higher purpose and lots of urges
2954+%
2955+@rad_milk: INTERVIEWER: where do you see yourself in five years
2956+ME: i think they should release a completely shirtless mario game on all consoles
2957+%
2958+@nickmullen: "feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready
2959+%
2960+@neonwario: Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
2961+%
2962+@animaldrumss: Ahh sorry, Id post a pic but my smile always looks fake, and plus I live inside an abandoned toilet factory and my teeth are yellow chiclets
2963+%
2964+@dogboner: love separating the wheat from the chaff. get the fuck out of here, chaff. stupid piece of shit
2965+%
2966+@g0m: I used to laugh at people who would run off a cliff and then stay in position until they looked down - and now, I'm one of them...
2967+%
2968+@HotEnoughForYa: Im on Tinder for networking. On weekends you can find me sipping coffee in the tire store waiting room
2969+%
2970+@UrplePingo: [at interview for a waiter job] Well, I feel that I bring a lot to the table
2971+%
2972+@Lowenaffchen: I used to think i was black when i was little / Trayvon got shot just for having skittles -Macklemore - Skittles (Tribute to Trayvon) (2016)
2973+%
2974+@tetradugenica: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in the history of the WWE, the custody of a child will be determined in a ladder match
2975+%
2976+@cryotuna: NORMIE: ebola is scarey
2977+ME: actually [smirk] your more likely to die of cancer or heart disease
2978+NORMIE: I'll take better care of myself now
2979+%
2980+@NicestHippo: *doesn't look up from phone*
2981+I do
2982+%
2983+@Thynebear: *uses my one phone call in jail on a radio request*
2984+%
2985+@murrman5: what's on your back?
2986+"a katana"
2987+what?
2988+"it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
2989+%
2990+@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
2991+"Did u just propose using emojis?"
2992+...
2993+"Technically its called a propoji, but yes"
2994+[She's already gone]
2995+%
2996+@BevisSimpson: Dialogue Between Gamers
2997+Gamer 1: I prefer Features
2998+Gamer 2: I like insanely sick graphics.
2999+Gamer 1: well, at least we both hate Feminism.
3000+%
3001+@nice_mustard: BREAKING: NASA reveals the reason we haven't been back to the moon is Moon Spiders. "the moon is fucked up as hell," said one scientist
3002+%
3003+@jonnysun: this is the story of a girl /
3004+who cried a river & rejuvenated the ecosystem of the area, bringimg back a natural vitalitey to the whole city
3005+%
3006+@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
3007+Me: He didn't. But watch this.
3008+[I make the doll do a backflip]
3009+Judge: Holy shit lol
3010+%
3011+@dril: "im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
3012+%
3013+@dril: stonehenge actually sucks and i hope someone pushes those rocks the hell over real soon
3014+%
3015+@DinkMagic: Cant wait for the new hobbit movie so I can know the end of the 9 hour story of some guys trying to get their money from a snake or whatever
3016+%
3017+@BAKKOOONN: much like ortolan ( bird u eat whole with napkin over your head so god cant see your sin) daylight savings is free hour; plan accordingly
3018+%
3019+@bashfulcoward: Cop: what's your height
3020+me: 6'1"
3021+Cop: eye color?
3022+me: blue
3023+Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying...
3024+me: what?
3025+cop: shut the fuck up
3026+%
3027+@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
3028+"..y..o..u..'r..e.."
3029+%
3030+@boring_as_heck: NANTZ: And there's the kicker warming up.
3031+SIMMS: The kicker could use the practice net as a hammock if he wanted.
3032+NANTZ: Thank you Phil.
3033+%
3034+@fart: computer, load things that are a short length of time, cross reference with baseball game
3035+“this game is longer than Kim k’s first marriage”
3036+%
3037+@dogboner: if any of you are looking to buy an ark I noah guy. lol. Please give me something to do that isn't this website.
3038+%
3039+@weinerdog4life: When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
3040+%
3041+@crushingbort: Liquor before beer, never fear
3042+Enchiladas before a date, be home before 8
3043+%
3044+@PaperWash: Daddy can we go to the park?!
3045+
3046+*looks at 12% battery*
3047+
3048+"No"
3049+%
3050+@freecialis: technically we built this city on migrant labor, but we did play rock and roll for them while they built it
3051+%
3052+@BevisSimpson: cool kid: that denim is washed. its NOT raw i can tell
3053+Me: nah man look closer.. check it.. [he leans in and I muay thai knee his nose bone]
3054+%
3055+@DinkMagic: Still think there should be dude fitness classes at the Y where you all go over to a dudes yard and just tee off on a tree with bats
3056+%
3057+@KattWillFerrell: first it was windows 8 then it was windows 10, what's next windows 12
3058+%
3059+@murrman5: [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
3060+"It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
3061+%
3062+@ch000ch: "dang. i forgot to make balls less gross. ah whatev." -god, day 7
3063+%
3064+@ch000ch: [being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let's see where this goes
3065+%
3066+@dogboner: [seamlessly transfers 13.00 from savings to checking, then back again] Jesus christ this is probably how the wolf on wall street guy felt
3067+%
3068+@mattytalks: My girlfriend thought my race car bed showed that I was immature, so I got a minivan bed to show her I'm serious about our future
3069+%
3070+@dril: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
3071+ME: I agree
3072+%
3073+@ch000ch: hey can i use ur phone real quick
3074+"sure yeah hold on a sec" [moves to mexico and begins a new life]
3075+%
3076+@BevisSimpson: [tries to drink some bad tasting whiskey to be cool like the guy from Mad Men][it stings my throat] fuck!! fuck this!!!! [smashes the glass]
3077+%
3078+@bashfulcoward: JUDGE: So Andrew, you're saying someone swiped your pants in the dark haunted house and replaced them with a pissed pair?
3079+ME: yes your honor
3080+%
3081+@bashfulcoward: What would I do with $500? oh man... [imagines driving 20 jetskis through an indoor river inside my mansion]
3082+%
3083+@dril: "i think that, if every American had a math book in his hand, instead of the big gulp, we would be in a better place, of the country." -Dril
3084+%
3085+@michaeljhudson: buying the physical U2 album is 2014's hottest gag gift
3086+%
3087+@famouscrab: in the film 'home alone' you might be surprised to find it was actually the robbers who were truly home alone
3088+%
3089+@dril: Beat the shit out of the football. Beat the shit out of the football. Beat the shit out of the football. 11 43 22 36 hothothothot
3090+%
3091+@boring_as_heck: TREBEK: And Stefan, you have a story about a funny YouTube video?
3092+ME: That's right Alex. So this guy on a bike- or, wait, no, it was an ATV,
3093+%
3094+@wettbutt: me: thank you mr president
3095+barack obama: [in mocking dumb voice] thank you mr presindent
3096+me: wow... im going to tweet about this you bastard
3097+%
3098+@Cheesegod69: Ho Ho Ho! It's me, Monsanto Claus. I landed here on your roof with my chemtrail sleigh to put fluoride in your water & do a false flag
3099+%
3100+@g0m: There are 3 kinds of people in this world: people who understand binary, people who don't, and of course Type 3
3101+%
3102+@dogboner: update: i am blocked by the guy in bowling for soup for claiming he died in a murphy bed
3103+%
3104+@PajamaBen_: when the doctor puts his stethoscope on you just softly say something nice like "oh hell yeah" to let them know they are doing a good job
3105+%
3106+@BevisSimpson: tomato is a fruit... [gaining power] black and white are shades, not colors.. [charges up, goes SSJ] Star Wars is Actually a Western!!!!!!!!
3107+%
3108+@animaldrumss: Barber: wow, your hair is really thick.
3109+Me: thanks, it's actually millions of tiny thinner hairs, it just looks like one piece
3110+%
3111+@dwineman: Evolution of music sales:
3112+1. Pay a lot
3113+2. Pay a little
3114+3. Pay anything
3115+4. OK fine, just pay once a month
3116+5. Fuck you, now you own a U2 album
3117+%
3118+@ahuj9: the phone. they made the phone big. like farrell’s hat
3119+%
3120+@fart: #DevOps The “www” in urls originally stood for Wild Wild West, as a promotion for the Will Smith film. Everyone just got used to saying it
3121+%
3122+@dril: koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast,
3123+%
3124+@jazmasta: Joke's on you, guys who drew dicks on my face at the party last night. I have a job interview at the dick face store this morning.
3125+%
3126+@tastefactory: Anti-depressants come in three strengths:
3127+
3128+- Regular strength
3129+- Extra strength
3130+- Furniture store
3131+%
3132+@cat_beltane: who can say who is wrong. stalkers posting credible death threats, or a woman who once did a kiss. perhaps the truth somewhere in the middle
3133+%
3134+@woodmuffin: yeah, you could say i'm the world's most inept carjacker, but i prefer to think of myself as the world's least convenient parking valet
3135+%
3136+@extranapkins: Wait, you're telling me this liquid will make me stupid, uncoordinated, and fat, AND it costs $5 a glass?? Yeah let me get like... 8 of them
3137+%
3138+@Fauxgyptian: *makes sexually suggestive reply to attractive Internet woman with thousands of followers* no one else has done this and she will like it
3139+%
3140+@boring_as_heck: MICHAELS: The football, of course, is the brown, lemon-shaped object.
3141+COLLINSWORTH: You know, that's something a lot of people don't realize
3142+%
3143+@shrekpissslave:
3144+ANDREWS: Al, the numbers on the field start at 10, then go up to 50, then back down again
3145+MICHAELS: Thank you Erin
3146+%
3147+@Shanehasabeard: MICHAELS: Kicking the ball often produces unpredictable results due to the oblong shape
3148+COLLINSWORTH: That's phenomenal
3149+%
3150+@tarashoe: hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get
3151+%
3152+@SamGrittner: if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
3153+%
3154+@dril: cant wait until work is over so i can stop sitting in front of this monitor and sit in front og the monitor at home which is 3 inches bigger
3155+%
3156+@DVSblast: CONGRATS TO EVANESCENCE FOR WINNING AN EMMY FOR THE PART WHERE THEY GO "WAKE ME UP INSIDE" THEN THE DUDE GO "WAKE. ME. UP. INSIDE."
3157+%
3158+@TriciaLockwood: I'm blazed out of my mind and watching the muppets and all I can think about is chomping into Fozzie like a huge piece of fried chicken
3159+%
3160+@nickmullen: Pool rules.
3161+1 just jump on in there!
3162+Step 2: immediately piss as much as you can
3163+3 find the suction jet and put your dick in it
3164+%
3165+@DanMentos: "What's the deal with palm trees?"
3166+What are you doing?
3167+"You said do tropical humor"
3168+Topical. I said topical.
3169+"What's the deal with ointment"
3170+%
3171+@dril: i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly
3172+%
3173+@fart: i dont like kickstarter because "kicksharter" was my nickname in 4th grade due to an unfortunate even after i got kicked in the jeans
3174+%
3175+@animaldrumss: Cashier: anything to drink?
3176+Me: yeah I'll have a drink at full price [I roll my eyes, get the jug from my bag and go to the soda fountain]
3177+%
3178+@BronzeHammer: looking forward to science fiction film RoboCop, which depicts an alternate future in which a highly militarized police force kills at will
3179+%
3180+@dril: whats the job where you dress up like a michelin man and get attacked by vicious dogs. anyway thats the thing i spent $800000 at college for
3181+%
3182+@GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books?
3183+
3184+Yeah, they're in the back.
3185+
3186+(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
3187+%
3188+@biorhythmist: Sorry I commented “Nope” under your new baby pic on Facebook
3189+%
3190+@BronzeHammer: another day of explaining football to my wife. "why's the guy running with the ball?" hell, i don't know. maybe its his ball. leave me alone
3191+%
3192+@sskylark: If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
3193+%
3194+@wheatretard: Impressive, but your Kung Fu is powerless against just how pathetic I look and sound when I beg people not to hurt me
3195+%
3196+@thenatewolf: Long story short, there are a bunch of mice, snakes, mongooses, and hawks in your room. Now we need something that eats hawks.
3197+%
3198+@DinkMagic: Me and my friends five hour quest to get our money back from a strong lizard
3199+%
3200+@skullmandible: most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
3201+%
3202+@SpiderExpert: The most romantic proposal would be … to get married to them , hide the ring in the cake and propose to them at your wedding … I think
3203+%
3204+@animaldrumss: Alright grandma, computer's aaaalmost fixed, I'll just... [runs fingers up and down the keyboard like its a piano] And done. 50 bucks please
3205+%
3206+@DefZeppelin69: love is like when you find a movie...on redbox...that has a rotten tomato score...of not that many rotten tomatos...
3207+%
3208+@fart: yeah isaac newton was probably the smartest person who ever lived but he doesn't know how to find a 50yo diaper fetishist pooping on youtube
3209+%
3210+@boring_as_heck: (tech guy gets sent back to the 1940s) Fellas, let's "disrupt" the Führer. My new app, "Hitlr," sends mean tweets to his official account.
3211+%
3212+@scullymike: "521?" "542?" "555?" "573?" "586?" - Levi's brainstorming session
3213+%
3214+@Mike_Bianchi: Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
3215+%
3216+@animaldrumss: I just wanted to say that although I didn't know the deceased that well, I feel he would have wanted me to take this bouquet for my house.
3217+%
3218+@animaldrumss: A ticket? Maybe former president andrew jackson can change your mind... [in andrew jackson voice] Don't give Mike the ticket, hes a good kid
3219+%
3220+@wolfpupy: sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind, just throw a whole bunch of garbage at the wind. my point is fuck the wind
3221+%
3222+@ch000ch: *crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say "go dudette" or "no not yet"
3223+%
3224+@michaeljhudson: I don't want no Scrubs / Scrubs was a show that debuted on NBC / documenting the comical lives of two best friend guys / named Turk and JD
3225+%
3226+@dril: "auuahuhuh" some nerd who wears glasses probably right now
3227+%
3228+@animaldrumss: Imagine if they had facebook in the 1800s. [screenshot of 1800s guys posting about what it would be like if they had facebook in the 1600s]
3229+%
3230+@animaldrumss: the author doesn't just criticize the wealthy, he also turns his eye on the starving artists. The guy just turns his eye all over the place
3231+%
3232+@neonwario: Boys go to Jupiter to get even stupider? Laughable. It seems unlikely. And yet... perfectly in character for someone who's already stupid...
3233+%
3234+@animaldrumss: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
3235+%
3236+@animaldrumss: [I return home after ditching family for a failed business venture, hang up my hat] Sorry honey, suuuuuper long line at the cigarette store.
3237+%
3238+@extranapkins: JUDGE JUDY: and it says here you tweeted...86 times before txting back your gf
3239+ME: turn off that fucking camera. Turn off the fucking camera
3240+%
3241+@cool_pond: With the 19,789th pick of the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hell [Zone K^22] Bonelords select... Human 9.018b, Pod B, Sector H8.220 Training Facility
3242+%
3243+@BevisSimpson: What's my favorite animal? [beginds to grin smugly] Human. Its technically an animal [smug grin] My favorite legume? ....... The Peanut.
3244+%
3245+@bIoach: all the songs on ya girl iphone is by "various artists". all her ID3 tags fucked up n she don't even care. she weak
3246+%
3247+@mountainlex: What idiot named it twitter and not ok stupid
3248+%
3249+@thecatamites: the average human eats 50 horseflies per night even if it means having to drive out to get them.
3250+%
3251+@rebeccawatson: "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined
3252+%
3253+@extranapkins: Gallant RTs Subway promotional material because he respects their strong social media brand. Goofus RTs Subway ironically
3254+%
3255+@DanMentos: Sweet, this webinar has an open bar *gets beer out of fridge*
3256+%
3257+@DanMentos: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 7 days since my last-"
3258+Son, you can't do that in here.
3259+"It's not smoke it's vapor"
3260+%
3261+@swarthyvillain: VINCE: Turtle, that's crazy! I'm sure Jews died in 9/11
3262+DRAMA: he's right, baby bro. Google the Black Eagle Trust Fund
3263+%
3264+@BuckyIsotope: [at the White House weekly basketball game]
3265+*Obama sighs*
3266+We'll take Joe
3267+*Biden rips off shirt*
3268+WOO HOO I CALL SKINS
3269+Joe we have jers-
3270+SKINS
3271+%
3272+@ch000ch: [phone call from jail] hii honey.. dont get mad but remember when you told me not to get arrested tonight and i did the jerkoff motion
3273+%
3274+@6thgrade4ever: I wrote a play. the main character is MOM. mom, youll be cast as MOM. 1st act opens with you showing the audience where you hid the nintendo
3275+%
3276+@ItsTonyNow: in 2004 i blocked neopets on our company router & the owner, a 50 year old man, got so frustrated he sold the business within six months
3277+%
3278+@boring_as_heck: Next, on TLC's Lunchbox Wanters
3279+
3280+RON: Back off, Jim. That box is mine.
3281+
3282+[CUT TO INTERVIEW]
3283+
3284+RON: No way was I letting Jim get that lunchbox.
3285+%
3286+@coffinzone: Monarchist. Coder. I do not listen to music made after 1900. RT = I have printed your tweet out and shot it with a rifle
3287+%
3288+@Hermit_Thrush: [in hipster voice] i would never sit down for fast food but if its served from a movable truck, ill travel to the truck's location go eat it
3289+%
3290+@meganamram: I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
3291+%
3292+@g0m: person: hey g0m, [anything. literally anything. It doesn't matter]
3293+me: Live like a racecar, die like a rocket.
3294+person: That's fucking cool
3295+%
3296+@boring_as_heck: [dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
3297+%
3298+@meganamram: Sorry officer but if weed is legal in Amsterdam I'm pretty sure it's also legal under this putt-putt windmill
3299+%
3300+@mattytalks: Sir, Memorial Day supports the troops but not even the troops will get the support offered to you by this sleep number bed
3301+%
3302+@dril: if youre that guy who emailed me last month asking to be my "intern" come forward so me & my rich friends can smack tennis balls at your ass
3303+%
3304+@nice_mustard: america, my new mission is to see ALL of the boobs "joe idk-" hold on barack. i'm calling it Manifest Breastiny "dammit that's pretty good"
3305+%
3306+@sskylark: i love how people make fun of the holocaust then when you ask them how they would solve the jewish problem they're like uhhh
3307+%
3308+@scrublord: Is this real life / Is this just fantasy / Caught in a landslide / No escape from Benghazi
3309+%
3310+@neonwario: i love to cite irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce
3311+%
3312+@robwhisman: think you've got it rough? watch a little film called hotel rwanda. don cheadle had to be on set at like 5 am to film some of those scenes
3313+%
3314+@dubstep4dads: mom. yea get in here. ok heres my phone, take the picture right as i exhale the weed smoke. this is gonna be so rad lol
3315+%
3316+@dubstep4dads: can i get 30 cocktail umbrellas?
3317+"sure. havin a party eh?"
3318+haha.. yeah..party..
3319+*montage of 30 mice flying around my livingroom w/ parasols*
3320+%
3321+@ConorTripler: u ever think ab how easy it was for the thomas the tank engine characters to eat ass
3322+%
3323+@bjnovak: This Mother's Day, give your mother the gift of broadcasting your love for her on a social media platform she doesn't understand.
3324+%
3325+@BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5
3326+%
3327+@Mobute: Michael Sam's liking to kiss dudes will tar the noble tradition of minorities giving themselves brain damage for the profit of billionaires.
3328+%
3329+@aDavidP: "The lyrics are 'we'll NEVER be royals.'"
3330+
3331+"Yeah but: ROYALS."
3332+
3333+"..."
3334+
3335+*Kansas City Royals illogically use song in stadium for eternity*
3336+%
3337+@ahuj9: “What’s my favorite amendment, you ask?” I repeat as I lean back in my gun chair, knocking over racks of guns like dominoes.
3338+%
3339+@Cheesegod69: If you punch a redditor a bunch of bitcoins fly out like when Sonic loses his rings
3340+%
3341+@themiltron: *whombastank
3342+%
3343+@unsuiii: (banging on car window of girl in parking lot putting on makeup); you don't need that. You're beautiful naturally. (Trying to open door)
3344+%
3345+@HouseBudgets: WIFE: I have a blog about boogie and Chinese food
3346+HUSBAND: And I sell pajamas for llamas
3347+WIFE: Our budget is $430K
3348+%
3349+@HouseBudgets: HIM: I launched a Kickstarter for smart lowboys
3350+HER: And I saw a chinchilla yesterday
3351+HIM: Our budget is $780K
3352+%
3353+@KrangTNelson: AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
3354+
3355+AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
3356+%
3357+@doctorveritas: [Jeremy Corbyn comes on stage visibly stoned]
3358+CORBYN: Hello.
3359+[30 second silence]
3360+CORBYN: My name is Jeremy Corbyn.
3361+%
3362+@onlxn: fake American cities I'd joke about if I were British:
3363+- Hamburgerville
3364+- San Leopoldo
3365+- Jerropolis
3366+- Bumber
3367+%
3368+@dril: (trying to apologize for sending dick to 900 girls) you see the phones have a front & back camera. so taking pictures is really complicated,
3369+%
3370+@backhoe_mix: you, not on twitter, experiencing the world at a normal rate: did you hear about --
3371+me: last week is as distant to me as the burning of Rome
3372+%
3373+@huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
3374+ME: ok wow, that's a-
3375+Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
3376+%
3377+@AnnDabromowitz: I find it kind of funny
3378+I find it kind of sad
3379+The dreams in which I'm dying
3380+Hello Dying my name's Dad
3381+%
3382+@InternetHippo: [as my congressman is strangling me] I like that he’s a businessman,
3383+%
3384+@jephjacques: Child: do you remember when Trump touched the Orb?
3385+
3386+Me: Yes. None of us realized what it would-
3387+
3388+Orb Police: HAIL ORB
3389+
3390+Me & child: hail orb
3391+%
3392+@dril: my new shit: "Burger king = mc donalds"
3393+
3394+Please let me know what you think of my new shit, and provide suggestions on how I can improve it.
3395+%
3396+@dril: Sword's. The only blade known to man
3397+%
3398+@eedrk: Me in Hell: i *like* this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atually
3399+Satan [exasperated]: this guy is owning me! this guy is owning all of hell!!
3400+%
3401+@flashember: You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
3402+
3403+Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
3404+%
3405+@JimmyJazz1968: ME IN 2016: I have principled objections to Hillary Clinton
3406+ME IN 2017: I guess it's OK if The Rock was president
3407+%
3408+@mammothfactory: Welcome to CrimeTown, the podcast about a town of crime
3409+[twenty hours & 50 Blue Apron ads later]
3410+In conclusion crime is a land of contrasts
3411+%
3412+@PulpPit: 2009: Why join Twitter, it's just posts about lunch.
3413+2017: I am addicted to an app that shows me the opinions of the worst idiots alive.
3414+%
3415+@bobvulfov: [concert]
3416+SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
3417+CROWD: woo
3418+ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
3419+%
3420+@mikefossey: OK first of all I'm not homo phobic. many of my most pedophilic uncles are gay
3421+%
3422+@kathbarbadoro: I broke a lot of hearts this weekend when I explained to a group of people that Arby's just means "roast beef" (RB) and isn't a guy's name
3423+%
3424+@FoodNetwerk: Need to whip up a dessert in a hurry? Dump a bag of oreos on the floor and eat the oreos off of the floor like a animal you piece of shit
3425+%
3426+@sincir3000: Is it bitchass, bitch-ass or bitch ass? I want this letter to my congressman to be perfect
3427+%
3428+@historyinflicks: Funny that you oppose socialism yet use a public library to look at porn & then get arrested for indecent exposure by publicly-funded police
3429+%
3430+@leyawn: SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
3431+DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
3432+%
3433+@dril: much of bliged
3434+%
3435+@Bro_Pair: age 20: I'm easily going to drink every Bud Light Lime in a 30 rack to prove a point
3436+
3437+age 29: can movie theater popcorn make your bones hurt
3438+%
3439+@dril: Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
3440+%
3441+@unsuiii: Beautiful Tavern Girl telling her Moby Dick crew husband goodbye: Come home safe my love, do NOT fuck that whale you hear me? don't you dare
3442+%
3443+@parsfarce: boss: goin out tonite mate?
3444+
3445+me: nah few quiet ones
3446+
3447+[boss receives text at 5am]
3448+
3449+cqnt coome in yoqmorrow sick srry
3450+%
3451+@jackhaveitall: me in 5th grade: if i can go on the computer today thatd be neat
3452+
3453+me now: if im not scrolling twitter while i brush my teeth im going to die
3454+%
3455+@dril: (girl tells me shes sick) aahh that sucks so much. you can come over & have some of my mens one a day vitamins. probably works on girls too,
3456+%
3457+@robotrowboat: [spilling out of my top at Red Lobster]
3458+Me: [to manager cutting me off from shrimp at Shrimpfest] No you’re a disgrace
3459+%
3460+@dril: fellas... you know i dont ask for much... but my fake US embassy in Ghana just got shut down and i dont know if i can make rent next month,
3461+%
3462+@FernieCommaAlex: All white dudes like 1, possibly 2, but never 3 of the following: Donald Trump, Run The Jewels, Alan Alda.
3463+%
3464+@Jarrettjack03: Yo I couldn't imagine this many women being mad at me at one time
3465+%
3466+@PFTCommenter: Jack Del Rio name literaly means "masterbate into a river"
3467+%
3468+@dril: between the gun & the blade.. throwing knives are the "Best of both worlds" when it comes to eliminating thousands of home intruders at once
3469+%
3470+@mikefossey: It's crazy that people pay to be trapped in a room. Like I'd pay a couple bucks NOT to be trapped in there but luckily it's already free
3471+%
3472+@robwhisman: if youre mad the gym is crowded now you know how we feel when we are trying to get a beer and youre at the bar just because its may 5th
3473+%
3474+@mikefossey: (I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going
3475+%
3476+@Ethan_Booker: LeBron unwrapping a Christmas present from his aunt. He sighs when he sees it's another basketball. "I know you love those," she smiles.
3477+%
3478+@Peckerdude: @zune I take my zune everywhere i go, it is my life. i even take it to work. I love my zune more than my computer
3479+%
3480+@vineyille: [CompUSA, 2001]
3481+Me: How many Korn songs can I fit on this "iPod"?
3482+Clerk: All of them.
3483+I sit in an office chair and promptly fall out of it
3484+%
3485+@shutupmikeginn: Its that wonderful season where I call Target to ask if their world map shower curtains acknowledge Israel & get mad no matter what they say
3486+%
3487+@trillballins: Mike & Mike power rankings (Dec 16)
3488+1) Mike
3489+2) Mike
3490+%
3491+@mikefossey: Frankfurter is short for Francis Further
3492+%
3493+@missokistic: *wakes up and looks at phone*
3494+ah let's see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device
3495+%
3496+@ConnorFinnegan: I'm here to kick ass and botch the punch line
3497+
3498+And boy are my arms tired
3499+%
3500+@fart: i still remember the office i would walk by with a whiteboard inside that had only the word "APPS" on it, circled. those guys are rich now
3501+%
3502+@fart: trump: im literally going to murder people and it will be good
3503+dnc: ol' out-of-touch bernie is man spreading again. download the emoji app
3504+%
3505+@fart: trump: it will be illegal to be muslim or black or gay
3506+dnc: watch this clip of the bazinga guy saying donald trump is like voldemort
3507+%
3508+@Arr: Wallace and Gromit is the world's oldest story: a stupid fucking idiot piece of shit and his long-suffering dog
3509+%
3510+@obleadearequipe: me: wow this sandwich is great
3511+
3512+person who studied abroad in Europe 30 years ago: not as great as the one i had in Barthelona ....
3513+%
3514+@boring_as_heck: TRUMP'S IDEA OF LOCKER ROOM TALK: I love sex crimes.
3515+ACTUAL LOCKER ROOM TALK: Jesus, that old man is using the hand dryer on his asshole.
3516+%
3517+@willrahn: BUSH COMPOUND, DECEMBER 2015 —
3518+
3519+JEB: We must stop Trump. Any ideas?
3520+
3521+GWB: Nope
3522+
3523+GHWB: Sorry no
3524+
3525+BILLY: Nope, no idea, nothing, zilch, zero
3526+%
3527+@PFTCommenter: In fairness to Trump most women woudnt be able to even notice a grab from such tiny hands. Just feel kindve like a spider bite or whatever
3528+%
3529+@billbarnwell: Crowds are weird. They cheer a fan running on the field and boo if he gets caught UNLESS he gets physically harmed, in which case they cheer
3530+%
3531+@dril: ME: there is a new type of beer called "Wine"
3532+shirtless guy witht 104 followers: Shut the fuck up
3533+ME: Yes sir
3534+%
3535+@adultblackmale: [shines a laser pointer directly in the pilots eyes as im getting off my flight] planes not in motion its not illegal you cant do shit bitch
3536+%
3537+@elijahdaniel: watched a girl take a 'broken, do not use" sign off Whole Foods sliding door, take a pic w it over her heart, then walk into the broken door
3538+%
3539+@i_zzzzzz: [Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy
3540+%
3541+@drewtoothpaste: Told my kid hamsters only understand Jamaican patois and one of them died and now shes yellin WHY YOU NAH WAKE UP LIKKLE BWOY
3542+%
3543+@dril: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool's Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!!
3544+%
3545+@netw3rk: Trump: Savage dark-skinned illegals, roaming the streets in search of murder and mayhem
3546+
3547+Fallon: What? WHAT? Haha, wow!
3548+%
3549+@plopadop: misscutie247: if i was there rite now would u make me some chicken
3550+GodOfKFC: ya
3551+misscutie247: is that ALL u would do? ;)
3552+GodOfKFC: ya
3553+%
3554+@mattytalks: Apple: Remember the free headphones that worked great, what if I told you we had ones that only work for 5 hrs and cost 160 bucks
3555+
3556+Me: go on
3557+%
3558+@electrolemon: Wahlberg places the Lone Survivor DVD and steps back, eyeing his altar. Two Guns. Three Kings. Four Brothers. The ritual is almost complete.
3559+%
3560+@onlxn: TRUMP: "Weiner mess proves Team Hillary bunch of pervs! Meanwhile I have raped 0-3 women, the lowest possible range. Wise up skirts: TRUMP!"
3561+%
3562+@jessesingal: What if Anthony wins her back with an incredibly long and thoughtful stream of dick pics
3563+%
3564+@KenTremendous: Emperor Palpatine: Give in to the Dark Side.
3565+Luke: Never!
3566+@AP: Debate Over Force Arises During Meeting in Large Space Station
3567+%
3568+@KenTremendous: Marie Antoinette: Let them eat cake
3569+People of France: That seems callous
3570+@AP: Everyone Has Equally Valid Points Regarding Food Distribution
3571+%
3572+@dril: frowning while the entire waitstaff of California pizza kitchen sings "happy birthday" to me, looking like a lump of shit in a neckbrace
3573+%
3574+@vyzdoravlivay: The Lord: *giveth*
3575+me: nice
3576+The Lord: *taketh away*
3577+me: wtf
3578+%
3579+@electrolemon: WERNER HERZOG: i weep for the creature. his icy hell, a tale of sisyphean addiction
3580+ME: his name is scrat
3581+WH: we are all the squirrel scrat
3582+%
3583+@BAKKOOONN: i will confess that as a child a lot of the double dare obstacles made me very anxious
3584+%
3585+@leyawn: *giant meteor hurtling towards earth* If we destroy it, we are no better than the meteor itself. let's hear what the meteor has to say
3586+%
3587+@alejandroid: how come we drive on the parkway and i got beat up at safeway
3588+%
3589+@aedwardslevy: THE YEAR 1952
3590+eisenhower: this is my dwight song
3591+nixon: no
3592+eisenhower: my i like ike song
3593+%
3594+@dril: girls always love to telling people not to" Mansplain"
3595+but they do not care of, "Man's Pain"
3596+%
3597+@randygdub: trump at rnc: the rivers of blood are only the beginning
3598+hillary at dnc: ghostbusters was [squinting at teleprompter] on fleek?
3599+%
3600+@CornOnTheGoblin: [hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open
3601+%
3602+@adultblackmale: interviewer: why do you want this job?
3603+me: i need money to live
3604+interviewer: hmm, not a good attitude
3605+me, overly cheerful: i neeed moneeey t
3606+%
3607+@BronzeHammer: if your dad ever does the classic bit of putting the stud finder on himself and saying "beep", please laugh at it. its all some of us have
3608+%
3609+@gilbertjasono: HILLARY: I hope you Pika-choose me this November!
3610+TRUMP: Slobodan Milosevic had some smart ideas
3611+TWITTER: Damn, these two are equally bad
3612+%
3613+@McLeemz: HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me "fire" up the economy
3614+TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal
3615+%
3616+@i_zzzzzz: AIDE: [angrily tossing flashcards aside] No -- that frog sips tea. This frog rides a unicycle. For fuck's sake
3617+HILLARY: Sorry. Sorry. I know
3618+%
3619+@BikiniBabeLover: I Lost my wife. My job. My children. Now "Body shaming clapbacks" are only things that can bring me joy anymore
3620+%
3621+@jimmytorosian: [God creating platypuses]
3622+God: This is my best work. Yes, Karen I am high, but that has nothing to do with it. This is perfect. Send it out.
3623+%
3624+@ch000ch: firing squad guy: any last words
3625+me: i wasn't really a fan of The Wire tbh
3626+(one guy fires his rifle at me before the signal)
3627+%
3628+@dril: going to start asking "What do you Think?" at the end of each post, to help stimulate discourse and reap the substantial benefits of Social.
3629+%
3630+@dril: i refuse to consume any product that has been created by, or is claimed to have been created by, the (((Keebler Elves)))
3631+%
3632+@fart: there is a law that every vlog has to start with "hey guys, sorry i haven't posted a video in a while"
3633+%
3634+@6thgrade4ever: love when newspapers fact check trump speeches. its like using a roomba on a beach
3635+%
3636+@JoeMande: tonight proved once and for all that LeBron is better than Steph, Nike is better than Under Armour, & Comic Sans is better than Copperplate
3637+%
3638+@dril: im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm
3639+%
3640+@dril: ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
3641+%
3642+@dogboner: me: a rip. a rap. a hamilton brrrap (i start beat boxing and fucking spitting all over my shirt)
3643+everyone in america: this is insanely good
3644+%
3645+@fart: hey ive been meaning to tell you that your parody account is really funny. it's good. everyone loves it. good job
3646+%
3647+@ranjit: Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
3648+%
3649+@Merman_Melville: Crazy how you can say you're "pissed off" on some TV shows but you can't say "piss on me" or "hail Piss God" or "replace my blood with piss"
3650+%
3651+@ByYourLogic: Muhammad Ali was an outspoken anti imperialist who invented the tactic of getting a guy tired and mad so you can beat his ass
3652+%
3653+@dril: user named " beavis_sinatra " has been terrorizing me since 2004, by sending me pictures of cups that are too close to the edge of the table
3654+%
3655+@g0m: Me: When I play a game I like to be engaged in the world and consider my options carefully
3656+You: The goomba blocks my path. I must destroy it
3657+%
3658+@fart: im becoming extremely wise..brain huge..reaching a new level of intelligence.. i will now say "Please provide a Source for this claim" a lot
3659+%
3660+@fart: brain.. growing in complexity every moment.. neurons firing at incredible speed... pleas Upvote this pic of my computer which i call a "rig"
3661+%
3662+@dril: the $100000 pyramid is actually fairly fucking cheap for a pyramid
3663+%
3664+@ahoybailey: "This generation can't take a joke"
3665+
3666+Our entire generation laughs at fucking internet memes all day long we just don't like racist jokes
3667+%
3668+@fart: gotta give it up for adults who play those complicated ass board games. you know about sex and alcohol but you choose to do that shit
3669+%
3670+@DanMentos: John: we need a new word for foolishness
3671+Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
3672+John: Ok that's definitely what I'm writing down
3673+%
3674+@dril: ill never rinse my farm fresh vegetables. its the responsibility of the greengrocer to rinse my God damn food and if i get poisoned so be it
3675+%
3676+@KatyYeiser: i like it on tv shows when the detective is like 'how we doing over here' and the cop is like 'better than this guy' because the guy is dead
3677+%
3678+@KenTremendous: 1. Nervous
3679+2. Excited
3680+3. Nervous *and* excited
3681+
3682+(The three possible states of existence for Bachelor contestants)
3683+%
3684+@rad_milk: PAT SAJAK: ok final round. category is "Author of Goosebumps" i'll give you the letters RSTLNE
3685+[RL ST_NE]
3686+ME: no idea. reading is for nerds
3687+%
3688+@BassoonJokes: the scene in the Godfather with the horse head but when he pulls back the covers he finds a hot Denny's grand slam breakfast all for just $5
3689+%
3690+@Bosko_DePompo: Viking warrior ancestor appears in ghostly form: "You're eating yogurt from a tube and all your son talks about is Minecraft."
3691+%
3692+@GroverNorquist: None of the candidates mentioned the Obama/Democrat war on Vaping and the 10million Americans who cape.
3693+Missed opportunity.
3694+%
3695+@neonwario: I love dearths and paucities
3696+%
3697+@Mejwell: you may joke but Scalia's dissent about having to take words literally regardless of context is also the plot to the beloved movie Air Bud
3698+%
3699+@drewtoothpaste: I once asked some programmers if they'd used the youtube API and they said "The Youtube Ape" at me for 2 months & didn't answer my question
3700+%
3701+@boring_as_heck: SIMMS: Jim, in my opinion, the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year.
3702+%
3703+@Merman_Melville: *returning Pet Sounds to the record store* I was expecting something different
3704+%
3705+@eedrk: to all those people that said i would never be successful: how did u accurately predict the future. please use your powers to help me
3706+%
3707+@eedrk: family is cool it's like having boring friends who are always mad at you
3708+%
3709+@eedrk: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
3710+%
3711+@eedrk: [struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]
3712+%
3713+@Bro_Pair: mom included a note in my lunch saying "I love you little man!"
3714+
3715+dad also included a note saying "I fucked your mom two nights ago"
3716+%
3717+@neonwario: Using a base-10 number system is rational, as 10 is the first two digit integer
3718+%
3719+@TheAnimePolice: no i dont want to do an archery contest robin hood, you win every time its not even fun. you win by a whole lot every time.
3720+%
3721+@murrman5: [wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
3722+"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
3723+we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
3724+%
3725+@tree_bro: I strive to be like the ant, noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me
3726+%
3727+@leyawn: DAWKINS: Impossible. My nose is still firmly attached to my head. You do not have my nose. You will never get my nose
3728+%
3729+@kalebhorton: Show Idea: I sit down with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, throw on Armageddon, and just keep going "wow, I bet all of this is true."
3730+%
3731+@shutupmikeginn: barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
3732+%
3733+@dubstep4dads: TWITTER: donald trump is a horrible person
3734+
3735+FACEBOOK: i like donald trump because im racist
3736+
3737+TUMBLR: bernie sanders choke me daddy
3738+%
3739+@thomas_violence: ricky gervais: i'd bloody shag the queen
3740+me: thats weird
3741+ricky gervais: oh you're offended? are you offended??? have i offended you????????
3742+%
3743+@SheaSerrano: the only NFL player position i'd ever be successful at's the guy who's in charge of telling the kick returner not to run it out the end zone
3744+%
3745+@bathroom: welcome to the bathroom
3746+%
3747+@pattymo: 2004:
3748+DEAN: BYAHHHHH
3749+PUBLIC: Whoa this guy's nuts
3750+
3751+2016:
3752+TRUMP: Say what you want about Hitler, but the man was organized
3753+PUBLIC: Carry on
3754+%
3755+@rad_milk: *comments "This." when sharing a link*
3756+%
3757+@fart: if someone says they have swimmer's ear a good gag is to say "well you better give it back!!!!" people love it
3758+%
3759+@kibblesmith: Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
3760+%
3761+@BikiniBabeLover: Its time for us to have a national conversation to end the stigma around being, a mental retard
3762+%
3763+@BikiniBabeLover: I love to reap all the benefits of living in a society
3764+%
3765+@BikiniBabeLover: I love to be declared dead upon arrival
3766+%
3767+@HelloCullen: My sex style is best described by my favorite grammar guide: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
3768+%
3769+@moonpolysoft: dyson is ron popeil with better marketing
3770+%
3771+@ColdmanHot: [Christmas]
3772+
3773+"NO-ONE is opening their presents until we start using their proper name! Sarah stop crying"
3774+
3775+"They're not "jifts" Dad"
3776+%
3777+@boring_as_heck: What's that Walking Dead show about? People on their damn smartphones? Listen folks, I don't want to go on a rant here, but I think (1/46)
3778+%
3779+@DrShenanigans: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Lightsabers would never work in real life. They certainly wouldn’t make the lightsaber noise!
3780+
3781+ME, IMPRESSED: Wow
3782+%
3783+@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
3784+%
3785+@dril: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin
3786+%
3787+@bedbugs99: Wife just saw Star Wars w/ her trainer Lucius and REFUSES to spoil plot to me💕 TY babe. I'll see it when I have time (5hrs, wow! Long film.)
3788+%
3789+@neckbread: "can someone explain this like i'm 5, please"
3790+
3791+sure: you're 5, this doesn't concern you. go poop your pants some more
3792+%
3793+@jdcrowley: uhhh, technically the plural is actually "Stars War" [pushes glasses so hard up my nose they shatter]
3794+%
3795+@HelloCullen: "No let's actually do it" -the guy who named the Cherry Poppin' Daddies
3796+%
3797+@pr0spector88: [runs into fefo at star bucks & she name drops another weird tweeter] Lol yea there hillarious (now under breath) shut the fucj up..
3798+%
3799+@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
3800+%
3801+@dril: (in worst human voice possible) folks rmember to click that fuckin like & subscribe button and leave a comment below in the fuckin box there
3802+%
3803+@fart: i bet Slash has a lot of trouble trying to tell people how to get to his website
3804+%
3805+@brendohare: [in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys
3806+%
3807+@Lubchansky: *george lucas sits down*
3808+now to create characters, in space. an infinite canvas
3809+*hours pass*
3810+what if they were racial stereotypes from earth
3811+%
3812+@markpopham: "Werner! It's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Herzo-"
3813+
3814+HERZOG: The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.
3815+%
3816+@pixelatedboat: 11.45: Arrived at crime scene
3817+11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
3818+11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
3819+11.45: Realised watch was broken
3820+%
3821+@fart: if your name is Doug you probably have a phase where people call you "Dirty Doug" then you try to walk it back in your 30s with "Nice Doug"
3822+%
3823+@degg: my bra doesnt match my diaper... fuck it who cares its the weekend
3824+%
3825+@BikiniBabeLover: Do you, ☾woke lil cranberry mami ☾, take ✨FKA wifi angel✨ to be your lawfully wedded bride. You may kiss the ceremonial pink Nikes
3826+%
3827+@decentbirthday: *olive garden*
3828+me(to waiter): I'll take "olive" the breadsticks you have
3829+*leans over to family next to me*
3830+me: i'm a pretty popular guy here
3831+%
3832+@dril: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
3833+%
3834+@dril: it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
3835+%
3836+@ahuj9: @ahuj9 Carlsbad Caverns are adjacent to the Brokeoff Mountains, formerly known as the Actually Carlsgood Mountains
3837+%
3838+@OtherDanOBrien: DOG OWNER: Who's a good boy!
3839+[dog wags tail excitedly]
3840+DOG OWNER: You are! Yes you are
3841+[I emerge from the bushes] I am also a good boy
3842+%
3843+@markleidner: God grant me the money to accept the things I cannot change, the money to change the things I can, and the money to know the difference
3844+%
3845+@GayRodney: I'm on Grindr to make jokes, I'm on Twitter to find a job, and I'm on LinkedIn to fuck
3846+%
3847+@DaveKingThing: let the record show: on the same day they shut down Grantland, espn devoted 45 seconds of air time to a skateboarding dog.
3848+%
3849+@BikiniBabeLover: I'm Dan. I'm a father, a caring husband, and a teacher. And i love too, turn lesbien on cam, I use wwebcame to turn les, this is my life
3850+%
3851+@dril: and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. "egg_dad_ebooks" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium*
3852+%
3853+@buttsword: interviewer: whats ur greatest weakness?
3854+me: im vague
3855+interviewer: can u elaborate?
3856+me: yeah
3857+%
3858+@TheTimmyToes: "Can you come drinking tonight?"
3859+I have to check with the Mrs!
3860+[unscrews cap on Mrs. Butterworth's, inhales deeply]
3861+No sorry I have plans
3862+%
3863+@Lowenaffchen: im done being brought down by fake ppl and cowards. im making a new life for myself trying to sell the scrapyard t heir own mailbox for $3
3864+%
3865+@bobby: 👨🏻 guys, i need to get something off my chest. in 2004 i was driving drunk and ran over a wonan with my truck. not a day goes by that i don't think about her. i'll never forgive myself.
3866+
3867+🤠 wonan
3868+
3869+🐵 did this mf just say wonan
3870+
3871+⠀⠀⠀⠀steve changed the group name to wonan
3872+%
3873+@randypaint: me: i would like to buy a piano
3874+
3875+yamaha: ok
3876+
3877+me: i'd also like to buy a motorcycle lol do u know where i can find a good one
3878+
3879+yamaha: ur not gonna believe this
3880+%